Matt Stooks

Look at me. What a piece of filth.

“Gross, it’s a Gorby stain!”

“Yes, God gave me this, and he made me bald. WTF?”

Now, you might ask, “Why don’t you throw away your filthy, pit-stainy shirts, Stooks?” They’re undershirts, that’s why. It’s their job to sit there, under my shirt, protecting it from pit stains.

Apparently, I suffer pit stains because I overapply and/or don’t let my antiperspirant dry before “donning clothing.”

From SweatSolutions.org (gotta love the non-profit sweat-related sites):

“Just rinse the affected area of the garment with cold water before you wash it…It’s the acidity of antiperspirants that causes staining. Instead of washing those stains out, warm or hot water can ‘set’ them by causing a chemical reaction that binds the stain to the fabric. Pretreating with a stain remover can make the situation worse.”

And if that doesn’t work?

Call the toll-free customer service number located on the label of the antiperspirant. The manufacturer may have additional stain removal ideas or may even help you replace the damaged item.

I have to make that call. Not because I’m that desperate over pit stains, but because that would be a conversation to record/cherish for a lifetime.

I saw a guy at Target who had a beard and a fanny pack, a combination never witnessed before.

Here’s where a bearded fanny pack falls in the echelon of likeliness to wear a fanny pack:

1. Overweight woman at a theme park
2. Thin man with several kids at a theme park
…
167. Guy with a beard
168. Hugh Downs

I had a great time with my dad and brothers at Tuesday night’s Royals game.

The Royals ended up winning, and we had a great view.

Wait a minute. Zoom in. Is that Family Ties’ Michael Gross serving Bud Light?

In fact, this Michael Gross-a-like has been serving beer at Kauffman Stadium for as long as I can remember.

Cheers, bro. It’s been too long.

Now, where’s the peanut guy who looks like Jean Claude Van Damme and the “come on guys let’s buy this stuff” guy?

While perusing Careerbuilder today, I stumbled upon this interesting position.

Ten bucks an hour? Do you realize how many hours of nakedness you’d have to pull off to make a living?

Poor nudists. Always taken advantage of.

A blog post from Tangerine Toad mentioned the old “Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?” DOS failure message, and reminded me of this classic computer problem.

From Wikipedia:

The message would prompt the user to hit “A” to abort the operation, “R” to try reading the data again, or “F” to attempt to proceed without the necessary data…The Ignore option would just hand some ‘default’ data back to the application that requested the operation, and the user would have to hope that this ‘default’ data would not interfere with the operation of the program.

Most users, including myself, rarely had luck with any of the methods. But looking back, I see a bit of a personality test.

Which option did you choose?

Abort: You likely pressed “A” faster than any of the non-Abort DOS users pressed their respective keys. You freak out easily. What were you thinking trying to execute that command in the first place? Time to spend a couple weeks away from the computer. This might be a good thing. The last time your daughter got dysentery in Oregon Trail, despair drove you to plunge your wagon through an impassable river.

Retry: You’re a blind optimist. Luckily, your family came to expect long absences, as you endlessly pecked away at the “R” key. One day, a loved one bursts into the room: Windows 3.0 to the rescue. Unfortunately, you refuse to fail, continuing your never-ending stay in Dos purgatory.

Ignore: Your life is in shambles. You ignore anything negative in your day-to-day life. “Everything’s cool” is your mantra. If only your computer obeyed commands like your Geo Metro. It’s supposed to smoke like that. Now if they could just route the “I” button to a gas pedal…

Fail: You’re a Microsoft user for life.