I’ve expressed my thoughts on tattoos before, but Channel 9’s Crimestoppers has me thinking again.
“I drive a Camry.”
Criminals’ tattoos
“I drive a Camry.”
“I drive a Camry.”
WTF: Green Dot
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but NFL quarterbacks have ugly green dots on the back of their helmets this year.
Every helmet with a green dot has a headset inside. Only one headset is allowed on the offense at a time. With these fun dots, refs can make sure only one is on the field at any given time.
But that green dot is so lame. Here’s what I propose instead:
It’s much more visible, and Damon Huard could flip to a Patriots game when he gets bored watching the Chiefs offense.
How cops get vacation?
Don’t mess with a cop who looks like he needs vacation.
Almost every time a cop shoots his gun or tases someone, he goes on “paid leave,” a.k.a. vacation.
Obviously cops don’t typically shoot or tase people just to get time off, but it makes you think.
“Fluorescent power enabled!”
Adventures in Chicago
Here’s a narrated slide/video show I put together from our trip to Chicago.
WTF: Michael Jackson’s Black or White
(1:55 podcast) I’m getting annoyed by a certain part of Michael Jackson’s “Black or White.”
“Wait ’til I rip this shirt open, 12-year-old boys will be all over me.”
Jeffrey Flanagan blows
It was bad enough that Chiefs fans had to endure the sub-horrible announcing team of Matt Vasgersian and Jayice “J.C.” Pearson for today’s game against the Vikings.
Veteran KC Star sports hack Jeffrey Flanagan had to go and interview J.C. for this morning’s column.
Why would you want to get perspective from the one guy we’re going to pull our hair out listening to later the same day? And who cares what J.C. thinks, anyway? And I know sports fans everywhere have always wondered whether we should call Pearson “J.C.” or “Jayice.”
J.C.’s answer to that question doesn’t even make sense:
“People don’t know my name around the country, and it’s probably easier just to go with J.C. And people probably look at ‘Jayice’ and say ‘How the heck do I pronounce that?’”
You’re in broadcasting, jerkwad. How many people need to know how to pronounce your stupid-ass name? One. Your broadcast partner.
Flanagan then goes on to talk about some “folks” in St. Louis who want to break the Guinness record for the longest baseball game. Who cares?
I personally know 50 people more qualified to write Flanny’s column for the Star. Yet, he’s been there for ages. Terrible, terrible waste of space.
Reintroductions
I got burned last night by introducing myself to someone I’d met before.
Every once in awhile, I get the feeling I don’t have the skills to succeed in society.
I’m annoyed: Volume Controls
Hey, Internet!
Can I get a decent volume control over here?
90 percent of online video players have their volume sliders juiced all the way. Unfortunately, 50 percent of online videos have the volume set at some low-ass level. I need to be able to boost those levels, dumbasses!
Solution: keep the default volume where it is, but double the length of the volume slider so I can get some decent amplification. Must I explain everything?
My sweet, silky voice has left
My voice has been wrecked since Saturday morning before our trip to Chicago.
There’s nothing like being in a new place, meeting new people and not being able to do the one thing I’m decent at: boring the hell out of them with my voice.
I’ve uploaded pictures from the trip here. Or enjoy the slideshow below (click on a photo for the description).
Once my voice returns, I plan to do a narrated slideshow with some video we caught mixed in. It should be a good waste of time.
Does Lars know about this?
I was perusing my Facebook today when I stumbled upon this:
Lars, are you selling out to the Internet? The Internet that cost you millions of dollars? Or is this just Facebook continuing its transformation into MySpace?
For the sake of my fun, I’ll say Lars is selling out. Someone must’ve shown him a graph similar to the one I’ve constructed below.
He was just missing the y-axis all this time.
Phlegm on a plane!
I’m flying to Chicago tomorrow morning for a little mini vacation from whatever it is I do.
My friend Kevin and I are visiting Tony, some jerk we know from high school. Factoid: Tony’s nickname was Garden Hose in college.
Like any trip or major holiday, it looks like I’ll have some kind of cold to battle.
Star Jones before gastric bypass
I know I’ve got at least three ounces of phlegm in these lungs. Does that mean I need to take my lungs out and put them in a Ziplog bag for carry-on?
Rescuing Britney
Enjoy this video from a Britney Spears ally. Note: contains language not suitable for small children or a touchy workplace.
How do you look in spandex?
I don’t qualify for this Craig’s List posting, so I thought you might want to know about it (bold mine).
Are you interested in becoming a Marvel Super Hero?
A leading staffing agency is currently looking for talent to portray a famous action hero for upcoming live appearances in leading retail stores all over the nation! We are looking for responsible, creative, funny, and smart MALES to portray our client’s characters. You must be between 5’10” to 6’3″ tall, be physically fit and in shape to wear the spandex costume (spandex is not forgiving).
TO BE CONSIDERED YOU MUST:
-Include (2) current photos; at least one showing your body
-current stats (age, height, weight, waist size)
-CONTACT phone number
-WHICH CITY YOU ARE APPLYING TO WORK IN!!LOCATION:
Kansas City, MissouriDates and Times:
Saturday, November 3rd
(10:00am-2:00pm)Pay:
$80 for the Day
In no way could I get hired for this, but I’m feeling the need to send a shirtless picture in. More to come…
Stop hiding, Manute
(1:08) In this podcast, I address one of my biggest disappointments since returning to Kansas City.
Note: You are not hallucinating.
If you thought it was funny the first time…
“If you thought Superbad was funny the first time, just wait ’til you see it the second time.”
I’m not trying to pick on Superbad, as I would like to see it, but I’ve had enough of this “If you thought (blank) was (blank) the first time, just wait ’til you see it the second time” type of advertising.
How are they making good on their promise of “wait ’til you see it the second time?” Are they adding hilarious scenes to the movie weeks after it comes out? Are they giving out prizes for second-time viewers? No. They do nothing. Unacceptable.
Here’s how I propose fixing the problem:
“If you thought Superbad was funny the first time, just wait ’til you see it the second time. You see, you probably didn’t notice that if you watch the movie like it’s a Magic Eye, the movie morphs into a montage of midget clowns riding ponies and throwing whipped cream pies at each other.”
Hello? Hollywood? Why isn’t my phone ringing?
Running yourself to death
This article’s way too long to read, but I get the impression that it proves, once and for all, that endurance training makes you age quickly.
Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: Endurance training is antithetical to anti-aging. So it amazes me when guys in their 40s and 50s who are training for a marathon or Ironman suggest that doing so will keep them young. It won’t. You may feel like a stud now with your shaved legs and your magic marker biceps tattoos, but endurance training speeds up the aging process almost as fast as watching TV, drinking sodas and eating potato chips. Actually, in some cases, it speeds it up even faster.
I didn’t bother reading beyond this opening paragraph, or do any further research on my own, but there it is. On the Internet. Proof of what I’ve always hoped.
Fellow lazy asses: we’re getting drunk, eating pizza, and smoking Marlboro Reds tonight.
Poor Overland Park RV and Boat Owner
From the KC Star’s Letters to the Editor:
Overland Park is very close to changing its ordinance (PMV-2577) regarding parking and storage of RVs and boats…
Even though we will be grandfathered, it will be at a great financial burden to comply with the outrageous screening and side yard requirements.
Storage of RVs over 8 feet tall will not be allowed in the side yards any longer. Furthermore, screening to a height of 8 feet or more will be required on three sides of the RVs. Boats will not be allowed to be stored at all on the driveways and all open parts of boats must be covered with covers that are custom fit to the contours of the boat. The custom fit cover must be designed, manufactured and tailored to closely fit the body style and size group of the specific make, model and year of the item to be covered.
Stop being silly, upset Overland Park RV and Boat Owner. If you wanted to park your rusted-out boat and RV in your front yard with your ’83 LeBaron on cinder blocks, you chose the wrong city to live in. Jeez.
On the other hand, I’d hate to further burden financially strapped RV and boat owners in Overland Park.
Larry Craig’s Podcast
“There’s not one ounce of limp in that wrist” – Larry Craig
Sailor Jerry Reunion
Urinal carpet
On my return trip from Big Lake, Missouri, I had the honor of discovering an interesting restroom configuration.
As you know, most gas station restrooms are filthy, especially when located off the Interstate. While this restroom was clean and tidy, someone made the curious choice of putting a carpet square under the urinal.
Yes, taking a photo in a public restroom is as awkward as you think. Luckily, no one with a wide stance or otherwise was occupying the restroom.
So, why would you put a carpet square under the urinal? Here are the only reasons I could come up with.
1. To soak up piss for easy cleanup
2. Piss puddles are less apparent when soaked in carpet
3. It really brings a heretofore neglected sense of warmth to the urinal
Slip N Slide Obstacle Course
My friends Kevin and Dan hosted a Slip N Slide party yesterday.
For the obstacle course, participants start by chugging a beer. Then, a variety of water hazards await as the contestants pick up three flags in this timed challenge.
RIP: The "Wide Stance"
Thanks to Larry Craig, law-abiding visitors to public restrooms can no longer sit upon the toilet with a wide stance.
The officer then showed his police identification under the divider and pointed toward the exit “at which time the defendant exclaimed `No!'” the complaint said.
When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that “he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom” and that was why his foot may have touched the officer’s, the report said.
Botox, moles and a flashback clip
I had an interesting IM swap with Chris Casey moments ago.
Stooks
Stooks
Chris
Chris
Chris
Stooks: it reminded me of cindy crawford’s mole
Stooks
Chris
Chris
Stooks
Chris
Stooks
Chris
Stooks
Chris
Chris
(1:33 podcast) Here’s a flashback that helps make sense of it all.
The good thing about spam
Sick of dealing with spam? How about phishing?
You could blame people who are dense enough to fall for spam or phishing expeditions for enabling this type of activity.
Or you could rest easy knowing that you’re on the smarter side of the population.
I do both.
R.I.P. "Internets" and "Interweb"
Mascot wanted
In my daily perusal of Craig’s List for marketing gigs, I found this (emphasis mine):
We are looking for two individuals who are hard working and need a little extra cash. The job is to dress up as a mascot and wave to children during author signing. We are in need of two mascots for this upcoming event. The event will be held at Sam’s Club, 8300 West 135th Street, Overland Park, KS. Pay rate is $10.00 per hour. The schedule will be Friday, August 31, 2007 from 12 noon to 6pm. The mascots will be Thumbs Up Johnnie a thumb print and Banker Bill a $10 bill.
We will need a highly energetic person. Great for a college student. The person will be wearing a costume that consists of black tights, black long sleeved shirt, over that would be a large body hat, gloves and spats that will cover their own shoes. Everything for the costume is provided for them. They will not have to do any talking; however, will need to show a friendly non-threatening demeanor.
Let’s break it down:
1. Hard work = Waving at children
2. Pay rate is $10/hr = Desperate for cash or really creepy?
3. Highly energetic = Waving at children takes lots of energy.
4. Non-threatening demeanor = Don’t chase the children while wielding a chainsaw and dressed as a $10 bill. We learned our lesson last time.
How memory works
"What if?" Michael Vick Edition
What if Michael Vick had sponsored bumfighting instead of dogfighting?
Do you think Dr. Phil would invite him on his show and then throw him off without interviewing him? Or do you think he would’ve milked his moustache the interview a bit longer?
Castro keeps going, and going
Okay, listen up Internet.
If I have to postpone another “Castro is Dead!” celebration party, you don’t get a chance to hit the piñata.
American Gladiators return!
“The timing to bring the franchise back is perfect, and NBC is the ideal home.” – Gladiators producer douche.
Look for it, minus Nitro, midseason. Maybe they could get him as an analyst. You can catch reruns on ESPN Classic. Here’s Nitro talking about the event the Gladiators hated the most. One hint: it’s not acting.