Matt Stooks

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You’re on the receiving end of some unusual celestial energy right now, especially when it comes to trusting your inner wisdom. Oh, wait, that’s just Olive Garden indigestion.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Be on the lookout for miscommunications, especially where relatives, loved ones and old friends are concerned. Your mind is on other things. Make sure they know you’re listening to them when they speak. Maybe you should take that Patrick Duffy poster down so you can pay better attention.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A desire to make the world a better place fills your heart. Unfortunately, a desire to film your own Bumfights videos fills your funny bone.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Does it seem as if someone’s always busy right when you want to talk to them? Communication styles are slightly out of sync right now. Chalk it up to those eccentric stars. Wait it out with patience and good humor. Try using those hilarious cancer jokes you read online.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you, unless what you don’t know is that Rosie is doing her upside-down depression therapy directly above you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Some parties really want to get aggressive, but you don’t have to succumb to their combative tendencies. Give them one of your special brownies, their tone will change in no time.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

People from your past may rekindle old feelings. The million-dollar question is this: Do you want to create new memories with them? Make sure you don’t fall into old, bad habits. Remember how hard it was to explain your imaginary friends the last time?

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Personal needs demand that you rethink your schedule. Maybe it’s time to finally succumb to reading on the toilet. Doonesbury seems like a good natural laxative, anyway.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

With so many new goings-on around you at home and at work, it’s time to take extra-special care of yourself on multiple levels. The stars just aren’t sure what level armpit tickling falls into.

Stooks Proverb: True love never grows old; it just gets wrinkly and sloppy.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Working with a certain coworker seems like it’s asking for trouble, but you know how making assumptions can cause trouble. The stars say if you restrict yourself to the task at hand, you might get more done than you’d hoped for, especially if the task is playing with Microsoft Paint.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Ignore any pressure you’re feeling (especially if it’s coming from yourself). Let any relevant parties know you’re not quite ready to make a move, but you will be soon. Then go somewhere peaceful to think. Check to see if there’s a Kevin Costner film playing somewhere.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Ambitious moves and power shifts on the job help put you in place for the brass ring. Your success is assured, especially when the powers-that-be get a look at all of your hard work. Who knows where you’ll go next? Maybe they’ll put you in charge of condom surveillance.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You have a judicious eye when it comes to evaluating the people in your life. While you clearly know how to size someone up, make sure they don’t feel manipulated before you do any maneuvering. Make sure they’re not aroused when maneuvering around them as well. That could spell disaster.

Stooks Proverb: There’s a black sheep in every flock. Kramer usually calls it names.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Being a party animal takes a backseat to a more contemplative mood. With the stars in their most insightful mood, you can see what was clouded by a fog before: Louie Anderson’s backside.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You don’t need to send out a detailed report about your latest goings-on, even if people are asking questions. They can wait for the family Christmas card like everyone else.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Love can be a puzzle. Check in with your heart to get the rest of the pieces. Or just jam a piece in that obviously doesn’t fit. Then, call it “done.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Love walks right in and changes your point of view. It’s much harder to watch TV while doing the dishes, isn’t it?

Stooks Proverb: To err is human. That’s why Spock was such a cocky jerk.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A certain person you’re counting on may turn out to be flaky. Don’t worry, though — it’s just temporary. Tell them about Selsun Blue.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Wait until some of the extraneous noise dies down before you make a decision. What you hear could change your perspective on the situation and open up a world of options, especially if what you hear is Louie Anderson in the bathroom at Olive Garden.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It’s time to do some downsizing when it comes to your personal and professional life. Take control and strip away the nonessentials, starting with your Luke Perry bathmat.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

There’s such a thing as having too much attention to detail, especially when it comes to making decisions. Take a breath and make a choice: paper or plastic.

Stooks Proverb: The eyes are the window to the soul. Eye boogers are the dead insects smashed to the window.