Education takes you even further than you thought it would. So the topic is unusual — after all, if you want to learn about ant farming practices, why shouldn’t you? It could come in handy in an unexpected manner: making your boss do the “ants in my pants” dance.
Cancer
Giving back to the Earth is a good thing. Tell that to the police the next time they question you as you pop a squat in the woods.
Scorpio
A need for solitude gets turned up a notch. Just make sure you let the people in your life know that this is a temporary thing. If they know you well, they should be used to your pension for sitting in the closet surrounded by your My Little Pony collection.
Aries
A barrage of self-criticism takes you off guard. Who is this inner critic, and why on earth is he speaking so loudly right now? It seems you’ve been possessed by the soul of Gene Siskel again.
Stooks Proverb: Dog does not eat dog.Unless it crashes in the mountains and some greedy person already ate all the chocolate.
You’re a big believer in the true, humble virtues of hard work and impressive results. Now, however, you could use a little glitz to further your cause. Show everyone just what a player you can be.No, I didn’t say “go piggin’.”
Gemini
What happens when you give a little spark plenty of air? Well, it turns into a great, big roaring flame. Use it to burn Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows into something decent.
Libra
The stars give you a much needed center to operate from, especially when it comes to making decisions. Sometimes you can get stuck on being fair. Now it’s time to start throwing above the waist in kickball.
Pisces
Give voice to your concerns in a creative way. Whatever is on your mind can be turned into art if you find the correct outlet. Just beware of that serial mime killer who’s been running rampant.
Stooks Proverb: Live and learn.Then get Luvs.Then soil them.Then place it in your neighbor’s mailbox.They’ll be shocked in two weeks when they come back from Europe.
Ashton Kutcher won’t let Demi Moore see President Clinton again. I guess Bill was a little flirtatious with her at some dinner party. The Enquirer says it led to the biggest fight of their relationship. Just because Bill can out-manwhore you Ashton, don’t be a player hater.
Sometimes you can get so attracted by the glitter that you edge dangerously close to going over the top. Take a step back — or better yet, ask a good friend for their perspective on the matter.The temporary tattoo of Bob Saget on your left butt check might be a bit much.
Sagittarius
Sometimes you need to make inner changes to see outer results; other times, it’s the exact opposite. Now is a moment where making concrete changes revitalizes your inner landscape for the better.Laying off the chili-cheese dogs might help your innards, too.
Taurus
Someone seems intent on rubbing you the wrong way.The library just isn’t that place for that.
Virgo
You’re always on the go, but the stars strongly recommend you put on the brakes. Your mind, body and soul need some time to recuperate. Gather your forces so you’re ready for the next required round of effort: a game of Uno at Sue Ellen’s.
Stooks Proverb: Barking dogs seldom bite.Unless you give them a cupcake or something.
Tara Reid is talking about her deformed boobs a lot lately. She also says “Taradise,” the reality show that followed her partying, ruined her career. But I’m thinking it was the “maybe I can score with Tara Reid if I cast her” mentality was the reason she had a career in the first place. So now that she resembles a “safety first with your deli slicer” poster, that’s not so much the case anymore.
“Survey says: Freddy Krueger.”
Michael Jackson’s spokesperson says he hasn’t been to St. Tropez, France in years. So there’s no way pictures of him in women’s clothing could be him. And since he wasn’t treating a 12-year-old like a sock puppet, I know it wasn’t him.
Bill Murray partied with some students in Scotland. He even helped was some dishes. That’s cool as hell. I don’t think he does the panty drop as good as Paris, though, so I doubt anything too scandalous happened.
First off, scroll down to check out our first video production if you haven’t seen it yet. We plan on doing some more, and if you click on the “YouTube” button in the right column you can find all of our videos in the future.
Mistakes were made. Hey, it happens. Sometimes people speak without thinking. That’s what happens when you’re a human being. Poop in your pants happens when you’re old and a human being, too.
Cancer
Focus on the present, especially if you’re dealing with a disagreement with a loved one. Bringing up the past will only create more hurt and can muddy the waters even further. Be big about this and think about the long term: you wouldn’t want your joint “men’s 50 and over” softball card collection to be jeopardized, would you?
Scorpio
You feel more grounded when you’re at home these days. If you want to socialize, why not invite a few very close chums over so you can congregate around a board game? While you’re chumming it up, be sure to compare your rotting teeth.
Aries
Mother yourself right now. Just because you’re normally a go-go-go type doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some slow-slow-slow. Put on a fluffy bathrobe, grab a good book, and beat your mailman over the head with it.
Stooks Proverb: A stitch in time saves nine.But Mangino can sit on all nine at once.A lot of surface area on that ass.
Capricorn You just want to curl up into a ball. Go for it. Just don’t do it at the top of a hill. Someone may “human bowling ball” you.
Gemini Anything worth having in your life is worth protecting. If someone encroaches on your territory, your instinct may be to bob and weave with some verbal wit. But don’t. Take a moment to really absorb what happened. And if you’re wearing clothing made of Bounty, then you’ll have no choice.
Libra Are you longing for the pleasures of home? Hey — you can’t relive the past, and any attempts to do so could end up being more trouble than they’re worth. It’s too hard to find a good Delorean these days.
Pisces A sharp sideways move is more helpful than barreling into a situation head-on. Observe the proceedings before you enter the fray. A little strategy will pay off. Now you can make the minimum effort with maximum impact. Especially if Mangino falls down near you.
Stooks Proverb: What goes around, comes around. Think about that when you’re making fun of the guy in the mailroom. You wouldn’t want him eating Rice Crispie Treats out of a crudely fashioned bowl made out of your skull. Would you?
Two of the guys from “Grey’s Anatomy” got into a little bit of a tussle on the set. The guy who isn’t McDreamy was up for the McDreamy role during casting, but lost out to Patrick Dempsey. He gets up in Dempsey’s face, says some “disgusting things” and may have even given him a little choke hold. Maybe it was a little jealousy, or maybe they just felt Paris Hilton was hogging all the good cat fight stories.
At least he got the technicolored skull cap.
Speaking of Paris and her cat fights, she may have dumped Travis Barker after her punched face made headlines. It’s “not what she needs in her life right now.” I’m not sure if she means the drama or the whole only sitting on it with only one dude thing.
I’m not sure if it’s the season change or everything else, but I’ve been pretty pissy the last couple of days.
I’ve noticed a lot of people on edge. So we decided to channel the rage into something productive: today’s show! Instead of raging out on some innocent bystander, we encouraged our listeners to let it all out on the show.
Your quick wit steps in and saves the day. Quips, repartee and rejoinders are all on your mental menu. And Mangino’s hungry.
Sagittarius
Communication is key to making sure events go smoothly on this day. Making a to-do list will help you get everything accomplished in good time.Just make sure “take your semi-weekly bath” is at the top of the list.
Taurus
Expand your understanding of the outside world. Pick up some foreign newspapers. Ask the smartest person you know to explain a difficult concept. Your brain will be grateful once it figures out hopscotch.
Virgo
You’ve been sitting in a chair too long. Feel the rhythm! The stars want you to put on your boogie shoes and cut loose. Take a dance class, jump some rope or just put on some music and shake what your mama gave you: epilepsy.
Stooks Proverb: One man’s meat is another man’s poison.Unless he lives in Massachusetts.
“With the combined I.Q. of a toenail in need of Lamisil…”
Paris also says she will file a restraining order against Shanna Moakler, the girl Stavros Niarchos threw down some stairs after throwing a drink on her. Paris says Nacho just threw the drink in response to Shanna punching Paris in the face. Shanna must’ve “fallen” down the stairs, then.
Someone says something that strikes a nerve — but you’re determined not to show that it got to you. Hey, you’re human — go ahead and reveal the effects. That way it won’t turn into resentment, just a nasty rash to horrify your family and friends.
Cancer
Why not give yourself a break and let life do the work? Rather than planning and micromanaging every aspect of your existence, learn to deal with what happens in the here and now — and, better yet, enjoy it.While you’re at it, buy a new recliner for all your ‘sitting there’ needs.
Scorpio
Start off the day in a leisurely, sensual fashion. Enjoy your body and the environment. But if your boss catches you sucking your own toes again, there’s gonna be trouble.
Aries
What do French fries, bad pop music and a trashy book have in common? They’re all fun and nutritionally worthless. They’re also in Mark Mangino’s belly button at the moment.
Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?If you want to ride it.
It seems like just a week or two ago we were talking about Ruben Studdard going into a weight loss program. Now, he’s lost 100 pounds. He’s also a vegetarian now. Cows everywhere breathe a sigh of relief.
Tim Allen just got married. She’s also an actor. They were in “Zoom” together earlier this year. By the way, a “Santa Claus 3” is coming out to keep Timmy in booze and marriage.
I didn’t go out at all Saturday night, and ended up going to Walmart at 7:30 Sunday morning to buy a Nintendo DS. By the way, I’m quite satisfied with the purchase.
Your inner haggler comes out and runs the show for the day. But who wouldn’t penny-pinch when it comes to buying one of those bracelets that comes in those little dome things out of those little machines.They really drive a hard bargain.
Gemini
Make love the foundation for your entire life. Start at home, and then see how you can expand your definition of love and care to all the areas of your existence. Surround yourself in mirrors, that’ll ensure the love flows freely.
Libra
Your mental scales are tipping wildly as you keep piling more evidence on one side and then the other. Plant your feet and think about what you want the end result to be instead of worrying about making things equal. Now go ahead and move the Cubans back to the cellar.
Pisces
Are you so tired of gritting your teeth over this matter that you’re willing to butt heads instead? Fine — a little healthy confrontation is good for the soul. And you’re knife feels lonesome right now, anyway.
Stooks Proverb:Let bygones be bygones.And let Busey be Busey.
Jessica Simpson and John Mayer hanging out at a hotel bar together? Then, they disappeared into an elevator? You don’t suppose they did anything naughty, do you? I think so. I bet the poor person who got into the elevator after them had to stop at every floor on the way down!
Finally the scandal we’ve been screaming for: a tell-all book by Walter Cronkite’s former chef. The most shocking allegation? Walter would keep changing the number of people who were coming to dinner! What an old, son of a bitch.
“Damn split ends!”
