Segment 2 – Stooks does too deserve time off! (1:20)
Segment 3 – College athletics blow! (1:38)
Segment 5 – Yeah, she can pull her legs behind her head, but have you seen her face? (3:24)
Matt Stooks
That Not-So-Fresh Feeling Between Your Ears
Stooksoscope for Friday
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Classic business advice says to cut out the middleman, and this applies to all areas of your life right now. You’ll save time, money and stress when you tackle certain tasks yourself. Except for polar bear Slip ‘N’ Sliding, your best off being a spectator for that.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Challenging authority may make you feel powerful, but you could end up in a heated argument over issues that you ultimately see as trivial. But someone needs to take a moral stand on quality tartar sauce.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you have a problem, speak up. When you can identify areas in your life that aren’t working, you’ll be on the right track. You might also want a mental health professional close by.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your abilities are almost superhuman. The only problem is that some parasitic types think that means they can lean on you to clean up their messes. Show them the way, but don’t perform their tasks for them. Just because you know the best way to get cat urine off an afghan doesn’t mean you should be doing it for them.
Stooks Proverb: Man grows most tired while standing still. Kate Moss grows most tired when she gets all the coke out of her system.
Scoop
Britney’s pantie-less tirade has scared anyone decent from hanging out with her. In fact, she’s resorted to dating Brandon Davis, the guy only famous for calling Lohan a firecrotch.
Suspicious: Britney Spears went to the pharmacy twice Wednesday morning. Pregnancy test? Other health problems? Rotten vagina?
Some respectable news sources are asking psychologists to weigh in on Britney’s pantie problem. “When you’re in a marriage and you’re controlled by a lot of people, you repress your personality. When all of that breaks loose, it’s like the hinges come off the door.”
50 Cent says Oprah “started out with black women’s views but has been catering to middle-aged white American women for so long that she’s become one herself.”
50 might want to think the same thing about Tony Danza. Danza’s returning to Broadway to star in The Producers.
Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are engaged.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards’ divorce is finally official. That’ll free up more time for Denise to throw laptops at old women in wheelchairs.
The Enquirer says Nicole Kidman has put Keith Urban on a “short leash.” “Nicole is standing by Keith, but with one big proviso — he has to dump his drinking and drugging buddies.”
The worst idea ever
Some ridiculous consultant clown thinks Manhattan should flip the way the diagonal parking spots face on Moro. This would force you to back into the spots, giving you a clear view of oncoming traffic, all in the hopes of stopping the approximately four accidents a year along that stretch.
I declared this “the worst idea ever.”
We asked our listeners to share what they thought was the worst idea they’ve ever heard.
Segment 2 (2:50) – Features the High Lady, and her filthiest song yet.
Speaking of terrible ideas, Britney Spears has shown off her vagina on three different occasions in the past week.
We tried to figure out what exactly she hopes to accomplish.
“That’s a helluva yeast infection.”
In unrelated news, one of our listeners was annoyed with his commute from Kansas City (2:33).
Stooksoscope for Thursday
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Impulse control could become a challenge for you right now, especially when someone appeals to your maverick side. Let’s just hope no one comes along who appeals to your O.J. Simpson side.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
When it comes right down to it, you don’t have the time to waste on petty issues anymore. Reaching your limit can be the greatest gift of all. Then, you can get 400 percent interest on a title loan to pay it off.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Take concrete steps to move past this obstacle and you’ll see tangible results. If you keep your ties to the mob, you might end up with concrete on your feet, so you’re heading in the right direction.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Something’s been on your mind. Go ahead and put it out there. The time is ripe for fresh starts and initiatives. The bolder the better, say the stars. And when everyone hears about your plans for Connie Chung, they’ll have no choice but to carry you on their shoulders in victory.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t kill the goose that lays the golden eggs. Do kill the goose that lays a curled up deuce on the floor.
Scoop
Britney Spears has shown off her vagina three nights in the past week. She hasn’t been wearing panties:
“Whats that flapping sound? Whoops, caught some wind, there.”
But, Britney’s days of being pantie-free look numbered. She just dropped $3 thousand at the place Katie Holmes got her wedding underwear at.
As I think about this odd Britney pantie shortage, I just can’t help but picture K-Fed, high off his ass, sniffing pantie after pantie. Gotta love the pre-divorce pantie raid.
Kevin may have been cheating on Britney with a porn star. From a source “they’re just friends who like to have sex.” Nice friend.
Mel Gibson on Michael Richards: “They’ll probably torture him for a while and then let him go. I like him.” You would like Michael Richards, too, if he just out-racist you.
Jesse Jackson’s boycott isn’t working. Seinfeld season seven DVD is outselling season six by 75 percent, and outselling season five by 90. I think the KKK will be disappointed when they realize Kramer, the character, isn’t really racist.
Latest reason Pamela and Kid Rock divorced: Pam parties too much. And he would always end up back at home, watching her kids. That’s the price of having sex at Pamela Anderson, Kid.
Danny DeVito was likely drunk on Wednesday’s The View.
First, we find out he’s been drinking all night with George Clooney, and hasn’t been to sleep.
Then, he talks about having sex with his wife, Rhea Perlman, in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House. Yes, THAT Rhea Perlman. There’s just something off-putting about Danny DeVito talking to Rosie O’Donnell about having sex with his wife in the White House
“Now imagine us with George Wendt mixed in.”
Finally, Rosie has him try to read off some cue cards.
A judge has thrown Anna Nicole Smith out of her house in the Bahamas. She didn’t even show up to court to make a defense for the house. I wonder which rich guy will get it sat-on next.
Lindsay Lohan is carrying around the 12 steps. Think AA. But not because she’s an alcoholic. I’m still not sure why.
Target goes to Hell…again
Target isn’t allowing bell ringers for the third straight year. They are doing an online campaign with the Salvation Army and have donated $1 million of their own.
We asked our listeners what they thought.
“Okay, did you get the photo? Give me my twenty back.”
In other show activity…
Stooksoscope for Wednesday
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You have poetry in your soul, and it’s time express it. You might want to keep your Kramer tribute poems to yourself.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Your crackling energy takes a turn for the mellow and sweet early on in the day. Enjoy it to the fullest. Later on, you find an unexpected reservoir of hatred for Mr. Belvedere.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s up to you to take the first step when it comes to fixing a breach between friends or relations. The stars give you the gift of perspective. They also give you the gift of gas. Roll down a window.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Deep emotions come your way. The trouble is, you’re so intuitive that you could find yourself drowning in them unless you take care. Never fear! You’ve got a snorkel.
Stooks Proverb: All is fair in love and war, except using Mark Mangino as a human shield.
Inside Edition
I got home early enough to catch Inside Edition today.
I left the TV quite satisfied and with some fun audio for the show.
A great tease about Britney’s new look.
The payoff is even better. Britney hands off her glass of wine and starts her car. But for some reason they lead with “Britney’s got a new hat!”
Here’s an awkward sentence about that face transplant woman from a year ago.
There was a really odd story about some faith healer.
There was a story about some girl who constantly falls asleep.
Hear about her “handful of medications.”
Scoop
So, what was the tipping point in Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock’s relationship?
Could’ve been Borat. Pam’s in Borat, playing herself. I don’t remember her doing anything too filthy, but Kid Rock wasn’t happy after seeing it. “You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that movie?” Are they sure he’s talking about the Borat movie, and not some other piece of Pam’s cinematic career?
Or Maybe PETA broke them up. Pamela’s big into PETA. Kid Rock is big into hunting. She must’ve figured out what “hunting” means.
Here’s what being married to Kid Rock turns you into.
“I didn’t know Elizabeth Taylor had work done again.”
Speaking of PETA, they’ve named Nicole Richie “Worst Dressed Celebrity.” An impressive feat, considering her shortage of surface area for fur.
Here’s what they said about her: “This pelt-wearing party girl is all animal skin and bones. She’s an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match.”
Here’s what they said about runner-up Ashley Olson: “Wearing fur does add 20 pounds, but if Ashley wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead.”
Eva Longoria also made the list: “You’d think she’d be more sympathetic to the plight of rabbits considering the way she screws around like one on Wisteria Lane.”
Meanwhile, Nicole Richie posted this on her MySpace about her former stylist:
“BLIND ITEM:
What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?
HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup…”
I think I may have solved the “why in the hell are Britney and Paris hanging out at Britney’s house for when they could be whoring it up on the town?” mystery. Britney, remembering she’s a mom, found out her kid had an ear infection. Paris, liking the idea of playing with Britney’s children as if they were Cabbage Patch Kids, decided to help.
Michael Jackson’s nanny says she’ll be traveling with Michael and Bill Clinton to Rwanda to raise money. Pause for a mental picture. Gross.
Tracy Morgan’s been arrested for drunk driving. He could’ve even avoided jail time, but he turned down a plea offer. Not sure why he turned it down, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with Colin Quinn being the worst Saturday Night Live cast member of all time.
Lindsay Lohan bought an $800 pair of diamond encrusted handcuffs. For trampsing purposes.
Christmas gift cutoff
Over the Thanksgiving break, my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas for my “big gift.”
I asked her when she thought they would cut us off from big Christmas gifts. She thinks never.
We asked our audience, is there a cutoff for Christmas gifts from your parents? I was a little surprised at their answers.
“WTF Child is this?”
We also heard from our Harry Potter fan. He’s excited about bad news for Lord of the Rings fans (2:18).
Stooksoscope for Tuesday
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The stars give you a dose of some sweet, slow energy. Your roar turns into a muted purr. Kind of like a feline Helen Keller.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The people you respect may not understand your plans, but that doesn’t mean you should abandon them. They’re just jealous of your mad Hungry Hungry Hippo skills.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Laughter and chaos: It seems like you’re torn between one and the other. That’s what happens when you watch Full House while huffing Pine Sol.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Be willing to travel beyond reality as you know it. Staying open-minded is key. This may require throwing the balance of some of your personal relationships out of whack. Not to worry — the situation is only temporary. Your UPS man will forgive you as the smell fades.
Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Because you want to open a cow-tipping business. Duh.
Scoop
Hold me…Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing. He’s seeking custody of her breasts.
Jesse Jackson has called for a boycott of the latest Seinfeld box set because of Kramer’s racism. Can you guess what Kramer said in response?
Michael Jackson’s pulling an Angelina, and lending his support to Africa, specifically, Rwanda. Can you legally molest children there or something?
Kevin Federline is on NBC’s trivia game show 1 vs 100 this Friday. Hopefully they let him look good with a question about Mountain Dew or Ice Cube.
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are chilling at Brit’s house as we speak. But doesn’t Paris’ vagina turn into a pumpkin at midnight if she doesn’t get some?
After six years, Richard Simmons is returning to Letterman. Dave must’ve apologized or worn a rainbow tank top to secure the reunion.
Nicole Kidman continues to look pregnant. She won’t talk about the rumors, but her hotel will. They say her workout routine sure resembles a lazy pregnant woman’s.
Lance Bass hired a herd of 14 goats to graze on his land for Thanksgiving. You should check out the sweet health plan they got.
Cyber Monday
Apparently everyone was too busy with Cyber Monday too contribute to the show today. Us blowing didn’t help.
This guy can’t watch Seinfeld after what Kramer did (3:37).
We were so desperate for material, we ripped off some audio from a random YouTube video (0:31).
Here’s a frightening conversation about some mystery “almost cranberry” dish (1:18).
Stooksoscope for Monday
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re over it, but then why are you reliving it in your head — so much so that you’re not even aware of it? The key is to see yourself as you are: a person who has learned the lesson and is truly beyond the situation, rather than seeing yourself as that guy who passed out in urinal five at Rusty’s while still holding onto your Long Island Iced Tea.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Something that seems settled suddenly changes direction, but there’s no need to worry. This is just a small detour before everything gets back on track. Nothing beats a good colon cleanse.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Get ready, because the universe is sending you exactly the information you need, but in a most unusual way. Who would’ve thought the universe used Braille?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Explore an age-old question with some methods that are unusual for you. When this practice turns out to have exceptional results, you’ll want to share it with every person you know. Don’t be saddened by their blank stares when you explain how a Pez dispenser works.
Stooks Proverb: A kind word can even attract a snake from his nest. Maybe Samuel L. Jackson should’ve tried that instead of profanities.
Scoop
Britney and Paris look like BFF. They partied at Paris’ place after the American Music Awards. Neighbors called the police because their music was so loud.
Then, they had a run-in with Lindsay Lohan this weekend. This is almost as good as the Paris-Lohan danceoff story.
The paparazzi were all focused on Lohan until Paris and Britney pulled up. Lohan gets pissed they stole her attention, gets into her car and chases Paris and Britney while pumping Kevin Federline’s CD as loud as she can. Then, Lohan has the gal to think she can hang out with them at the club. Paris and Britney ignore her. Lohan walks away, later saying how talented and attractive she thinks Kevin Federline is. She “wouldn’t mind hooking up” with him sometime.
***Collective Sigh/Change in Bloodflow Alert*** Britney Spears and Kevin Federline say “there is no sex tape.“
From The Enquirer: Kevin Federline is begging Britney to take him back. He’s finally realized he is a failure and can’t maintain his lifestyle on his own. And she’s hot again.
Michael Richards went on Jesse Jackson’s radio show, saying he never used racist words before he got busted for using them. But if he did, here’s how it would have happened…
Michael Jackson’s been living at “Lord of the Dance,” Michael Flatley’s house in Ireland since June. Creepy.
John Travolta may have boycotted the TomKat wedding because of the nonvite to Oprah. Oprah has called John her “soulmate” before. I smell an angry Steadman.
“Don’t let my mustache fool you, I’m furious.”
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be children hunting again. They toured an orphanage in Vietnam. They even drove around the city on a moped.
Some copies of O.J.’s now-canceled book have shown up on eBay. One of the items hit $15 thousand.
“All My Children” is introducing a transgendered character this Thursday. I didn’t know Bruce Vilanch was available.
Turkey Tuesday
We’re in clip show mode tomorrow through Friday, so we made today “Turkey Tuesday.”
The High Lady is back in song mode (2:05).
“Words with Chris Casey.” Today’s word: Giblet (0:30).
It sucks to suck at football on Thanksgiving (1:32).
Bob Barker has “sweet potato” face (3:20).
“Well, color me pale-faced.”
Stooksoscope for Tuesday
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
A need to make a fast choice inspires a brilliant decision. You’re so grateful for everything you’ve received. What’s more, that gratitude paves the way for even more good fortune to come your way. Isn’t Welfare great?
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Good fortune is ready to smile on you. Are you ready to receive it? What a silly question — of course you are! Just to be on the safe side, though, get rid of any blocks and inhibitions that could be in your path. Hey, you knew what you were getting into when you decided on a “murder for book profits” career.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your motto is ‘don’t fence me in.’ Unfortunately, the rare strain of Hilton Herpe 118 has you under quarantine.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Reserve the right to change your mind, or you might find that a few casual words become a prison. Who would’ve thought the phrase “Cover me in horse feces now, I dare you!” would have such dire consequences.
Stooks Proverb: Give him an inch and he’ll take a yard. Just be glad he didn’t take a meter, because then you’ll be dealing with converting to the metric system, and that’s simply too much for anyone to deal with.
Scoop
Fox has canceled its special on O.J. Newscorp is also O.J.’s publisher, so they canceled the book, too. “This was an ill-considered project. We are sorry for any pain this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown-Simpson,” said Rupert Murdoch of Fox. So, I guess we might never know how O.J. would have killed Nicole and Ron, if he did, that is.
“And this is how her face would’ve looked as I was knifing her.”
Michael Richard’s, usually known only as “Kramer from Seindfeld,” went on a racist tirade the other night at a comedy club. A black guy had heckled him, so Kramer thought a dozen or so n-words would make up for it. You can see the video at the above link. It’s highly offensive, so keep that in mind.
Michael’s not talking about it too much, but for some reason Jerry Seinfeld has released a statement: “I am sick over this. I’m sure Michael is also sick over this horrible, horrible mistake. It is so extremely offensive. I feel terrible for all the people who have been hurt.”
Britney Spears had quite the weekend in Vegas. She won $10 thousand playing Black Jack. She hit the recording studio. She even got to party with Mario Lopez! Her big mistake: hanging out with Paris Hilton. She was chain smoking all night, and was seen dancing around in just her fishnet stockings. Worst of all, she was dancing to Paris Hilton songs. Noooooooooooo!
Don’t worry about K-Fed, he was partying it up this weekend, too. In Miami. His DJ friend put on one of his crappy songs at the club. Then, everyone started booing and cursing “F*** K-Fed.” The DJ pleaded with the crowd, “Come on people, f*** the status quo, show this guy some love!” Meanwhile, K-Fed’s sipping on champagne and proclaiming “I’m here to stay.”
“Y’all’ll remember my name when you where your hat like this.”
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were walking around without there bodyguards in India! It’s probably because they’re all in prison.
Kelly Ripa is feuding with Clay Aiken. Clay filled in for Regis Friday. Ripa says Clay crossed the line when he covered her mouth with her hand while she was talking. I wouldn’t want to taste those fingers, either.
Holiday shopping
If you hadn’t heard, The George Michael Sports Machine, in all of its crappy graphics glory, is going off the air.
Luckily, they’re replacing it with The Helen Keller Sports Machine (0:59).
“Canceled?! But we just got our new Atari graphics system!”
“Canceled?! But we just got our new Atari graphics system!”
The holiday shopping season started a little early this year with people shooting each other over the PS3 and acting slightly less violent over the Nintendo Wii.
We had a little discussion on how holiday shopping turns ordinary people into the pinnacle of evil.
With Thanksgiving coming up this Thursday, one of our listeners wants to provide a public service announcement.
Hear all about the benefits of cranberries and cranberry sauce (3:29).
Stooksoscope for Monday
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve been working tremendously hard. Now’s the time to take your vitamins, eat right and get plenty of rest – you’ve got Mangino to hunt. Just listen for the wobbling footsteps.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s time to go where you want to go and do what you want to do. The stars lift the last remaining restrictions, which means you’re free to roam wherever your heart desires. Just see if you can avoid an attack on the “Can I help you?” vest woman in the housewares section.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You take someone’s comment to heart, even if it’s totally casual or not even meant for you. Nevertheless, something they say strikes a chord when you least expect it. Now you’re examining your motives. Maybe you just aren’t a big enough fan to have a Bob Saget poster in your bathroom. He’s got naughty eyes, too, so it might be best for everyone.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You can be very much in control of the process, even as you sit back and let events unfold. Let your intentions be your guide. You know what you want the end result to be, even if you’re not sure how to get there. Now if you can just find a shirtless Patrick Swayze to cradle you with his thighs while he guides your hands with his…oh wait, I think I saw a commercial for a Swayze rental service, just $9.99 for the first hour.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t remove a fly from your friend’s forehead with a hatchet. You wouldn’t want to bloody up your favorite hatchet, would you?
Scoop
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were officially married before they ever arrived in Rome! They had to do it that way, seeing how Italy doesn’t recognize Scientology weddings. So the wedding was just for show! You do not waste Brooke Shield’s valuable time!
“We are now one in the eyes of Voltron.”
In the new issue of Oprah’s magazine: what to do if someone hears you didn’t give them an invite. The correct response: “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I invited a different group of friends.” Then, go on to explain exactly what the lucky group of friends believes in, and they’ll know their better off.
Past the point of no return: Britney has dropped K-Fed from her MySpace.
Angelina Jolie’s bodyguards ended up in prison for their little scuffle during a shoot at a school in India. They’re out on bail, but they have to stay in the country for a least a week and could end up spending three years in jail. Or they can opt for the alternate punishment of watching Angelina make out with her brother.
For the second time, the power company turned off service at Anna Nicole Smith’s alleged house in the Bahamas. She’s also been served with a second eviction notice.
Nicole Richie is wearing some kind of healing, hippie-bracelets to help her aura. Actually, I think those are her dad’s rings around her wrists:
Nicole Richie’s weight problem is messing with the production schedule of “The Simple Life.” You go, girl!
Lindsay Lohan has avoided PETA’s Worst Dressed Celebrity list by giving up fur. She’s still cool with driving her car into things, though.
Fox is getting more and more pressure to cancel its planned O.J. special. Not quite as tasteful as Temptation Island or Who Wants To Marry A Multimillionaire.
Free for All
Frank Nareola checks in with his report on the Playstation 3 (3:29).
The Old couple is also concerned about the PS3 (1:57).
“I didn’t get a PS3” Tips 2006 (0:30).
“I didn’t know the line to Paris Hilton’s vagina would still be so long.”
What would you do if your significant other had half their face paralyzed? (1:53)
Days of our Lives chat 1 (3:18).
Days of our Lives chat 2 (2:40).
Little brats throwing sticks and stones at cars (3:02).
I came up with a little tribal song (0:21)
One of our callers wants to know about raising a T-Rex (1:15).
Stooksoscope for Friday
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You bring out the best in others. Your ability to get people closer to their goals helps you progress in leaps and bounds on your own as well. Expect a financial windfall to land in your lap just when you need it. Brace yourself. A bucket full of quarters hurts when it’s dumped on your crotch.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You’re on a search-and-destroy mission — you want to stamp out anything boring, stuffy and tedious. You’ll have to look closely for Joan Rivers. She’s hiding.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’d rather be the power behind the throne, but the stars say your very special brand of magnetism needs to be front and center. So get in the limelight. You’ll have a horde of beggars at your command in no time.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You need to consider all sides of the question before you can come to a decision. Try taking some time for yourself. Other people’s opinions might be more distracting than useful. Figure out what you believe. If it’s that you’re Peter Pan, try again.
Stooks Proverb: There’s no place like home. Unless O.J.’s looking for new book material.
Scoop
Justin Timberlake may have slammed Janet Jackson in song. He and Nelly Furtado are on one of the songs from Timbaland’s CD, which comes out in march. He may be referring to an appearance on Oprah, where Janet didn’t talk very nice about Justin.
Take a listen to the 20-second clip, I’ve even provided the lyrics.
The mayor of Rome had dinner with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Wednesday. He avoided abduction.
Jim Carey, Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are among the celebrities arriving in Rome for the wedding. Still no Oprah. They better not plan an “Oh! Swerve!” and have Oprah show up as the maid of honor.
Michael Jackson’s World Music Awards appearance didn’t go as planned. He was supposed to sing “Thriller” with Chris Brown. Chris ended up doing it by himself. Michael ended up singing just a couple of lines from “We are the World.” There are even rumors that Beyonce had to convince him to come out from backstage, and that he had a minivan drive him from his dressing room to the staging area, which was only 20 feet away. He also had some weird demands, like a temporary 18-foot wall around his hotel.
“Icky! These are old ones!”
Angelina Jolie’s security guards are beating people up again. She was filming at a school in India, when the school opened its gates for parents to pick up students. Then, all the paparazzi rushed the school. Angie’s security guards freaked and got tangled up with some of the students and parents, as well. One of the guards called a parent “You bloody Indian.” Do Indian’s understand British profanity?
“But that Paris girl? She’s both finger-and-goatee-licking good.”
Someone keyed Nicole Richie’s Mercedes. It was probably Colonel Sanders, all pissed at anorexia, and pimped in his new threads.
“But that Paris girl? She’s both finger-and-goatee-licking good.”The House of Blues in Anaheim canceled Kevin Federline’s November 20 show. Luckily there’s a kickass thrift store just around the corner.
Tom Hanks isn’t dead. There was an Internet rumor saying he died after falling off a cliff in New Zealand during a movie shoot. Maybe they were just being metaphoric about Tom’s career chances after “The Terminal.”
Memphis Grizzlies fan Bill Geeslin says Kobe Bryant elbowed him on purpose, causing him “injuries and damages” worth $75 thousand. His swollen vagina claim has me skeptical, though.
Dancing with the Stars is probably coming back in March because of its continued success.
I blame Springer for this.
Bergeron’s “Stroke Face.”
Larry King has never used the Internet. Being alive when Jesus was born makes it all worth while.
Nicke Nolte and Will Farrell had dinner Wednesday. Guess which one stayed sober. One hint: Not Nolte.
Harry Potter, O.J. and the Order of the PS3
Harry Potter’s favorite fan has some news for us today (2:37).
We talked a bit about the one or two guys who get dragged into Oprah’s audience by their significant others.
One of our callers got dragged to something that still affects him to this day (2:03).
We got to hear a really bad Nascar joke (0:35).
We talked to Photoshop Adam and another caller about the PS3 nonsense (5:39).
We even talked O.J.’s new book (0:43).
Here’s a treat from Photoshop Adam:
Stooksoscope for Thursday
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Under this influence, there’s a definite ‘when in
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Being gracious never hurt, and in this instance, it’ll really help. Direct that sparkling charm toward someone who can get you to the next level: the Old Woman Greeter at Walmart is rumored to be quite the minx.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Why are you letting someone else set the rules? Now is the time to find a way around any perceived limitations. You’ll open new routes where only roadblocks existed previously. Soon, your recurring nightmare of being Gary Busey’s dental hygienist will come to an end.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re in control, but you’re not fully comfortable with the position just yet. If you’re in doubt, call a team of experts and tell them the situation. You’ll effortlessly attract just the people you need in your life: ones who know the proper way to wipe.
Stooks Proverb: Revenge is a dish best served cold. In fact, the best revenge is serving someone a cold bowl of oatmeal.
Scoop
Emmitt upset Mario Lopez, and won Dancing with the Stars. You could see Mario Lopez’ ego completely collapse through his forced smile.
At 45 years old, George Clooney is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for the second time, tying Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is still winning in the “owning more of other people’s kids” race, still.
The “Oprah didn’t get an invite? Don’t go there girl!” story is unfolding a bit more. Some think Oprah’s comments to Good Morning America after the couch-jumping fiasco cost her the invite. She thought Tom was faking it. She always catches Gayle at that, too.
Here’s some fun Scientology wedding vows info: The groom is reminded that he needs to provide his wife with “clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat.” That cat clause might be what’s costing Scientology more male members.
Britney Spears’ people are talking to Realtors about selling her and K-Fed’s mansion for$13.5 million. She’ll even throw in a leather couch, complete with Federline sweat-stain outline.
More news is still coming in about the night their divorce became public. The restaurant Kevin was eating at comped his $1200 tab. Knowing it would be his last warm meal, Kevin had them wrap up the leftovers. One person said they saw Kevin “putting napkins in the tops of the tequila and vodka bottles” and trying to hide them in his coat for later. No word on if he succeeded. But knowing the dedicated alcoholic he is, I’m sure he did.
O.J.’s publisher considers the “If I murdered them” book O.J.’s confession. No kidding.
“Mmmmmm. Murderific.”
Prosecutors are close to deciding on whether to press charges on Shanna Moakler for punching Paris Hilton and Travis Barker for throwing Shanna down some stairs. At least we know Rotcrotch Paris isn’t in trouble.
When not getting arrested, Snoop Dogg is quite the businessman. You can now purchase a variety of Snoop Dogg merch for your dog. Check out the hoodie:
“Aw man, Fivel’s looking sad. Put him in the cardboard box and blow smoke in there again.”
Stooks banned?
From my Email:
Hey Stooks,
I am writing you because I am pissed off. My friend messaged me this morning saying that the Stooks in the Morning website was restricted on our Military computers, I went to see if it was true and the message came up that you were restricted under the category of Malicious. I’m pissed because some of us can’t listen to the whole show because we have PT and we like to see what we missed when we have down time at work. I just thought Id let you know that the military thinks your malicious and we think it is ridiculous.