Matt Stooks

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Your spirits need a boost. It’s time to take yourself out. You can go solo or not, but it’s important to get out there and have a fantastic time. Beware of yelling “weeeee!” while riding the Farris wheel alone.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Things can get heated on the work front. You know it’s time for your star to shine, but someone else may not be in total accordance. Install a trip wire in their office.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Doing the right thing is a constant theme in your life. It’s time to let your personal star shine brightly, and take out anyone who stands in your way, even if it’s Paul Reiser.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your audience just loves it when you keep them guessing. Heck, you’re starting to get pretty fond of it yourself. When you have no expectations, oftentimes you end up surprising yourself with the results. But do you really need to use monkey feces for your abstract art?

Stooks Proverb: To err is human. To suck blood out of people’s necks is vampire.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Like the song goes, you can’t always get what you want. But if you really examine your reasons for wanting it, you’ll end up pretty grateful that you didn’t get it in the first place. It’s unlikely that a $500 Super Mario outfit will land you a new lover.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Take a step back. Getting some breathing room will help if things have been too intense lately. It’s time to transform negativity into something with a higher and more creative purpose: starting the “Justin Guarini Shivers Me Timbers” fan club.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

A few old resentments are lingering in your life. It’s time to deal with them before they make a point of dealing with you. Keep in mind that these feelings might go deeper than you initially realized, but keep at it. Someday you’ll get over the tragic “Port-A-Potty Tip of 2001.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

A momentary feeling may run deeper than you suspected. It’s important not to overreact. Everyone dreams of Hasselhoff’s chest sometime. Yours just had more sweat beads than the usual.

Stooks Proverb: All road’s lead to Rome, unless Brandy’s driving.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Be very clear about what you both expect if you’re about to lend a friend something you value. In fact, maybe you should just go ahead and give them that tampon outright.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It takes a lot of courage and heart to work through an issue, especially when the roots of it go stubbornly deep. Keep at it, however. Afterward, you’ll see that your character is stronger than it ever was. Your bladder control remains weak, though. You’ve got the stain to prove it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It’s time to focus on the here and now — this is where the rewards are. ‘If only’ are two of the most energy-sapping words in any language. If only you weren’t too dumb to realize it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Focus on love and beauty in your personal relationships. Focusing on it in the mirror will simply take too much time, unless Fox brings “The Swan” back.

Stooks Proverb: All’s well that ends well, unless it starts with Kevin Federline, expired condoms and a tub of Crisco.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You have an uncanny ability to see trouble coming from afar. But, frankly, Louie Anderson’s ass is large enough that anyone should be able to see it coming, and move out of the way in time.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You’re in a mood, and it’s imperative that you get some alone time. Someone’s about to propose a great idea, and you need to be at your most receptive. Where’s that leftover Schlitz from the weekend?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Can you feel the love? You and that certain someone are in a sweet spot right now when it comes to how you relate: Connect Four.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The more you try to hide from a tough situation, the more difficult it will get. Come up with a plan for how to deal with this, and then walk directly up to your fear. Just be sure no one’s around when you’re wrestling with the life-size standup of Mr. Clean at Walmart.

Stooks Proverb: There’ll plenty of time to sleep when you’re dead. So put away the Nyquil and get out the razor blades.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Binding agreements and long-term situations are looking pretty good to you right about now. And Catharine Zeta-Jones only sweetens the deal.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Hoping for the best is always a great outlook, but it doesn’t hurt to have a back-up plan just in case. Save that refrigerator box.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Socially, you’re all about putting everyone else at ease. Now the stars say it’s time to put yourself at ease with your own body. Delicious and healthy meals, exercise, lots of sleep, a new razor for that thick forest on your back: Make them part of your lifestyle.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Uncharacteristically, you dig in your heels. This conflict could actually have a higher purpose, as God also buys his heels at PayLess.

Stooks Proverb: If you play with fire, you get burned. See Britney Spears crotch for proof.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

This association is improbable, firstly because you-know-who is the last person you ever pictured yourself associating with, and secondly because of how utterly delightful and necessary they’ve become. If Carrot Top can change, everybody can change! (Insert Russian translation here)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s time to splurge. That doesn’t mean putting your credit card through the wringer or playing hooky on all your duties. Why not indulge in the ultimate luxury: attacking a piñata fashioned after Kathy Griffin.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone’s friendship has made things much brighter and happier for you, especially during a recent rough patch. Even better news: you’ll be featured on Fox’s “When Brazilian waxes go bad.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your physical self is full of useful information, and right now it’s telling you something extremely important. You have swamp ass.

Stooks Proverb: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush are worth three in Britney’s crotch.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

It’s tempting to make promises, but can you fulfill them all? If not, it’s better to be honest right off the bat. You’ll feel adult and responsible for knowing your limits, and others will respect your truthfulness, ever though you can’t really put your legs behind your head while eating a banana.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Spur-of-the-moment decisions can have big effects on your emotional health. Believe it or not, there’s always some space to think before you decide, unless Louie Anderson and Mark Mangino are in the same room. Then there’s no space for anything.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Sometimes the universe clears the path for you, but other times, you need to take the action and the realizations will follow afterward. Can you take the initiative now when it comes to your inner development? Start with cutting your three-can-a-day refried bean habit out of your diet.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ve got enough energy to power a city, so now the question is, what are you going to do with it all? If you say “Save the Cheerleader,” the stars will smack you.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. That must make Kevin Federline invincible.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Someone insists on barging into your private time. That’s why you should always do that under the covers. Can’t you crochet in peace?

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Sometimes you just have to throw all your eggs into the skillet in order to make a big, beautiful omelet. Just make sure to have the Scrubbing Bubbles on standby to fix the impending damage to the porcelain in your bathroom.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Warrior energy infuses your soul. When it comes to the rules of social engagement, you’ll let someone know when he or she is out of line. Whew! They sure won’t be messing with you again, and rightly so. You’ve got a mean left hook. Where’d you get that installed at?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Enough with dwelling — it’s time to start living. So like James Brown once said, get up offa that thing. And as James Brown once said, “do as I say, not as I do.” Otherwise, you’ll be dead and have your carcass paraded around the country.

Stooks Proverb: Love makes the world go round. Sausages made Mangino go round.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You can really benefit from listening to the wisdom in your dreams. Continue ignoring the hermaphrodites in your dreams.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Don’t fret if things feel off-kilter in your personal situation now. You can’t always be on an even keel, especially with your Rolaids habit.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The stars encourage you to shake off the past. They discourage you from shaking violently in crowds.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Usually you’re in the driver’s seat because you know where you want to go and how you want to get there. Let someone else take the wheel. That way, when your grandma follows you to the porn shop, you can blame them.

Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? To tip over.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

It’s tempting to say that you’re right and everyone else is wrong, but is that truly the case? Yes. And it’s time to do some convincing with the help of a knife, hypothetical O.J.-style.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

The same old thing simply doesn’t get you going. Grandma really needs to work on her motivational skills, and clean her teeth while she’s at it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

People know that your insights and intelligence are the genuine article. Your chest? Not so much.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Taking a big step forward in your career can be scary as well as exhilarating. You’re not quite sure you’re ready. But who is? Take a few deep breaths, put on your homeless guy gloves and hit the streets.

Stooks Proverb: Lucky at cards, unlucky in love, but good at smoking cigars and wearing questionable visors.