Jeri Anne got a tattoo. We discussed whether tattoos are a good idea.
If you’re on the radio, you’re required by law to talk about American Idol.
Stooksoscope for Thursday
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Upheaval may feel unsettling, but it also supplies many opportunities that may not come again. Not everyone has as many opportunities to hurl on their supervisor as you do.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Don’t be too quick to dismiss what’s just happened in your life. After all, you can’t fully appreciate where you are until you’ve realized just where you’ve come from: the Burger King dumpster.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Dare to dream, especially when it comes to your future. Pay attention to the here and now to see what could be: an oddly shaped-and-textured stain on your best friend’s loveseat.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Imitating someone else isn’t going to get you where you want to go. Appreciate their methods and admire their style, but your persona has special attributes that need to be developed. What makes you special? That’s right, it’s your one front tooth, perfect for opening cans of tomato juice.
Stooks Proverb: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. That’s why Britney needs to teach her
Scoop
Paris Hilton’s current BFF, Kim Kardashian, doesn’t deny the existence of a sex tape depicting her and Brandy’s brother doing some dirty, barely sub-Screech things. As TMZ.com says, “it’s a pisser.” Isn’t a little early in the BFFship for upstaging?
Important nugget: “Kim Kardashian, who has a fashion consulting business, is the daughter of OJ Simpson’s late attorney and best buddy, Robert Kardashian.” How long before we see “If I drank it” on the shelves?
Nicole Richie had a plate of nachos AND a soda.
You can let the children out again, Britney Spears’ rep says she isn’t pregnant.
Is Paula Abdul going to be smashed for every episode of American Idol again? Here’s her little drunk-seeming TV interview everyone’s talking about, if you haven’t seen it:
J. Lo and Marc Anthony were caught in the middle of a late night McDonald’s run. Watching Gigli makes one hungry for 2 for $1 apple pies.
“Hi. I’m Marc Anthony! Remember me?”
Back Thursday
We’re in the midst of a couple days off. We’ll be back Thursday.
Show Clips
Stooksoscope for Friday
Leo
You’re intensely fascinating, and the world around you is waking up to that fact. Few signs are as well equipped to deal with adulation as you are. “Yield” has you beat.
Sagittarius
Pursue your goals with fierce determination. Distractions have no place in your life at this moment; all you can think about is the desired outcome: to stop smelling like Goodcents.
Taurus
Work is definitely an important part of your life — but it should enhance your life, not consume it, unless you’re a lady and/or man of the street.
Virgo
Getting more deeply involved with someone brings up all kinds of feelings, so recognize the wide spectrum that your emotions cover. Begrimaced is not an emotion.
Stooks Proverb: The exception proves the rule. What rule? William H. Macy beats Felicity Huffman beats Paul Reubens beats William H. Macy in the game of Macy-Huffman-Reubens.
Scoop
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have finally confirmed their breakup.
Good sign: Britney’s manager is carrying the kid.
“…and then this little chihuahua fell out of my vagina.”
Madonna is on Rosie’s side in the Trump feud. So I guess that’s a point for Trump.
Trump says Star Jones called to congratulate him on his feud with Rosie. Point for Rosie.
David Beckham signed a five year, $250 million contract to play with the L.A. Galaxy in Major League Soccer. I’m still not sure how the five people in attendance will offset that kind of cash.
Paula Abdul will serve as executive producer for “Bratz: The Movie.” She’ll probably be drunk or high.
Show Clips
One of our listeners was troubled by President Bush’s speech last night (4:24).
Financial aid checks went out yesterday at K-State, leading us to talk about what people on financial aid waste their money on.
Segment 1 – $100k into a truck (1:21)
I explained the concept of an “airplane” to Jeri Anne (2:19)
Stooksoscope for Thursday
Aquarius
Style-wise, you’ve got it going on. Whether it’s words, clothes, food or organization, somehow you manage to put everything together in a way that totally works and is totally you. You’re a trendsetter…for carpet baggers.
Cancer
Old resentments can go deep, and with good reason — this person really delivered quite a blow. Forgive them. They didn’t know their breath was strong enough to force your 90 percent completed Emilio Estevez puzzle off the table.
Scorpio
You feel like your romantic prospects could do with some revitalization. The current astro energies think so too. They also think your landlord has a hidden camera in your shower head.
Aries
It’s easy to get caught in the chatter of your ego. Find a way to shut off your thinking mind. With a little help, you can access inward resources that are just as valuable. Try yoga or Connect Four.
Stooks Proverb: Better safe than sorry. If only they made a 48 hour Cialis.
Scoop
Donald Trump might want to consider shutting up.
Rosie and Barbara humiliated him on the latest “View.”
All he could come back with was calling Barbara a “sad figurehead dominated by a third-rate comedian.”
Trump and Conan had a little awkward exchange of their own Tuesday night.
Paula Abdul says Simon Cowell saved her ass when contestant Corey Clark said he had done the dirty with Paula. “There’s the times when he’s like a big brother – or a lover.” Creepy.
Mike Tyson had just escaped from rehab when he got busted for DUI and cocaine possession. Police followed the trail of earlobes belonging to rehab security guards.
“I’ll eat rehab’s children!”
The Enquirer says Lohan may have permanent liver damage from drinking. Doctors discovered the problem during her appendectomy. They opened her up and her liver was smoking a cigarette.
Tom Crusie and Katie Holmes have 24 hour security around Suri, fearing an abduction plot. But who would dare challenge the spawn of Tom?
Courteney Cox says she’ll have Jennifer Aniston guest star on her new F/X tabloid drama “Dirt.” Like Jennifer has any relevant experience. F’ing cronyism.
Show Clips
K-State’s back to school tomorrow, and somehow it got us talking about creepy teachers.
Segment 1 – Miss Booty/Jeri Anne’s les gym teacher (5:47)
Segment 2 – Why the Home Ec teacher shouldn’t teach Sex Ed (4:10)
Stooksoscope for Wednesday
Capricorn
Thanks to your leadership, old issues are illuminated and people are motivated to take positive action. Your abilities bring attention to a neglected area that’s been swept under the rug for too long: cleaning behind your ears.
Gemini
Finding the sweet spot between focus and energy is an art, and you can do it! It helps if you get used to some ping-ponging between the two concepts. Just hope one of the concepts isn’t Chinese, otherwise you’ll get schooled.
Libra
Flirting is essential. You can make eyes at your sweet patootie. Aren’t you glad you bought that life-sized cardboard Patrick Swayze standup?
Pisces
One part of your life is totally on track, but another feels just a touch out of balance. That’s what happens when you lead a double life as a transgendered soap star.
Stooks Proverb: Look before you leap. If you’ve got Britney Spears’ drinking habits, you might want to hold off on the leaping part altogether.
Scoop
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are Mr. Blackwell’s worst dressed celebrities. I didn’t know two women could make the list. Or does he count Britney’s vagina as its own species?
“Is that your crotch-rot smell or mine?”
Britney hung out with a sailor this weekend. And now it looks like sake was to blame for her New Year’s pass out.
Paris pleaded not guilty to her DUI charge. Not guilty by reason of sluttyness?
Meanwhile, Donald sent a letter to Rosie (must read). He explains more things that Barbara Walters said about Rosie. The good news: he refers to Kelly as Rosie’s “wife.” It looks like he is trying to make The View implode. Stay strong Joy Behar.
Suzanne Somers’ house in Malibu burned down. I’m betting an overheated ThighMaster got it started.
CBS turned down the opportunity to have a porn site pay $50 million for a SuperBowl ad.
Show Clips
Stooksoscope for Tuesday
Leo
True friendships are a gift, and right now your social life is simply an embarrassment of riches. Make sure you honor them in the ways they deserve: the sombrero birthday treatment at El Tapatio. Just make sure you have some Licex on standby.
Sagittarius
A little indulgence is just the affirmation you need. It doesn’t have to be over-the-top, either. Order what you want at a restaurant without looking at the price. Isn’t Long John Silver’s great?
Taurus
Getting straight to the point has its place, but sometimes it makes circumstances a bit more dramatic than they have to be. There’s a special kind of beauty to more receptive energy. Learn to apply it appropriately: directly to the forehead.
Virgo
Strike a balance between paying attention to the facts and listening to your instincts in this matter. Although you feel strongly about this person, you have to look at their actions before you make up your mind. Find out for sure if Screech used a peen double, then you can make your decision.
Stooks Proverb: Faith moves mountains, but not Mangino.
Scoop
Britney Spears got paid $400 thousand for her little pass-out fest New Year’s Eve.
It’s quite possible Paris Hilton has never pumped a gallon of gas in her life. Before sending some photographer off to get her some gas, she said “how much is gas?”
Tourists regular gather outside Paris’ house. Or they think it’s a brothel.
Screech may have had a peen double in his little porn video. I’m guessing Elizabeth Berkley.
Anna Nicole Smith made the most of a photo op with Hulk Hogan.
“We should trade bras sometime, Hulkie!”
Nicole Richie went on a vacation to Mexico. I’m guessing she won’t be back after finding no decent bathroom to vomit in.
Angelina Jolie doesn’t love Shiloh as much as her adopted kids. “I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they’re survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her.” Let’s just hope Shiloh doesn’t get her hands on this month’s “Elle U.K.” magazine.
Angelina also thinks Madonna broke the law when she bought herself a kid. Apparently you have to be with a man who hasn’t bathed in 17 days to adopt a kid from Africa.
Nick Lachey isn’t quite ready to ask Vanessa Minnillo to be his wife. I would hope he plans to do so before he stops being famous completely.
Friend’s sister/Prison guard training
Can you date your friend’s brother or sister?
We also talked about “Armed and Famous,” the Fox reality show that trains has-beens to be cops. This led to a discussion on how weak Jeri Anne’s training was for Corrections Officer. She didn’t get zapped, maced, or anything fun.
Segment 3 – The High Lady has mace (2:21)
Jeri Anne made the mistake of telling me one of her dreams (2:58).
Stooksoscope for Monday
Aquarius
A telephone isn’t just another way to have a conversation when you’re doing the talking. It can also be an amazing instrument for change. It can strangle, bash skulls and make music at the same time!
Cancer
Go and get a little frisky. Some regularly scheduled mayhem will help you remember that it’s good to be alive. Just make sure you buy the electric pump for your new lover.
Scorpio
Are you looking to someone else to solve a problem that really resides within you? It’s fine to ask them for things that are within reason, but it’s not so fine to ask them to inspect your hemorrhoids.
Aries
Mentally checking out the situation seems like a dandy idea. But don’t give anyone the opportunity to start calling you a dandy again.
Stooks Proverb: There’s honor among thieves, but not panty bandits.
Scoop
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have a temporary custody agreement through the end of January. He can spend time with the kids from noon-4 p.m. every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at Britney’s house. Federline translation: liquor cabinet! Cartoons!
Britney is still partying it up. Her vaginometer must be on high alert, though. Still no photos.
Britney’s record label says it isn’t dropping her.
Paris Hilton’s Bentley ran out of gas, and a paparazzi offered to help. Once we can get some decent crotch-boil powered cars around here, she won’t have to worry about that.
Nicole Kidman may or may not look pregnant, but she does shop pregnant. She bought a $400 diaper bag. Maybe Tom is coming to visit the kids.
Oprah Winfrey was the target of a $1.5 million extortion plot. Some dude said he had sensitive recordings of conversations with one of Oprah’s people. Is someone blabbing about the secret Gayle King-Jesus Juice room again?
Tara Reid’s ass, courtesy TMZ.com:
“Unintelligible Jaba-the-Hutt speak.”Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie dropped $8 thousand a night on a place in the Virgin Islands. Sick of vacationing in poor countries? Or simply searching for a kid with a little more sophistication?
Save Lindsay Lohan, saved the world. Hours after her appendicitis, she was seen running around yelling out for “Michael.” I can’t think of what liquor that must be.
Lohan stood up Al Gore. Just a couple months ago she was talking about how Al Gore could help fix her.
Marilyn Manson’s marriage is over after only one year. I no longer have faith in any marriage.
Donald Trump’s prefabricated wife Melania is taking Donald’s side. She says Rosie should read Trump’s book. I’m guessing someone told Melania the gist of it, for surely she cannot read.
Free for All
Stooksoscope for Friday
Capricorn
Saying something naughty can have such a nice effect. What’s the harm in a little mischievous flirtation? The object of your attention will be visibly flattered, you’ll feel an extra pep in your step, and your boss will have to rent a steam cleaner for the carpet in his office.
Gemini
Coming up with new ways for people to get to know each other is right up your alley. You’re appointed unofficial activities director when two groups of people meet and mingle. However, you might want to reconsider your drinking game based on the obscure TV show Forever Knight.
Libra
The usual won’t do, and with good reason. Horse entrails are something you should eat away from the public eye.
Pisces
Too much attention on a murky area could clear things up — or it could make the issues under discussion shrink further into the darkness. It’s your call. Trust your judgment; you’ll do what’s best. Just make sure you have a clear escape route after you throw eggs at Mr. Peanut, that cocky S.O.B.
Stooks Proverb: One man’s meat is another man’s poison. Just ask Clay Aiken.
Scoop
Donald Trump went off on Meredith Vieira on the Today Show for asking him about the Rosie feud. Yeah, can’t she tell he doesn’t like talking about that?
Britney’s manager says Britney is aware of the backlash against her and knows what she needs to do to win back fans. Someone call Hefner.
Justin Timberlake showed up solo to the premiere of Alpha Dog.
Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed. Maybe alcohol has been keeping her from rejecting it until now.
Jessica Simpson is doing Pizza Hut commercials again. Let’s just hope she can recapture the magic that made the DirecTV spots so good.
Paris Hilton keeps Jack Daniels in her trunk. I’m more concerned about the Barbie car.
A judge froze O.J. Simpson’s assets. $1 million from his book deal was sent to a dummy corporation to avoid having to pay Ron Goldman’s family for hypothetically murdering their son.
Busta Rhymes got arrested for beating the crap out of some dude in a dispute over money. Sadly, I can’t tell you who owes who.
Leonardo DiCaprio adopted a kid in South Africa. Unlike Madonna and Angelina, he’s letting the kid stay in his country and simply cash checks from Leo.
Some demented fan attacked the guy who plays John Black from Days of our Lives. From TMZ.com: “He was with his family in the backyard of their Malibu home when Carl Raymond Cheney came onto his property and ran at his daughter carrying a bible screaming “Where is he? I will cast him out!” Hogestyn says Cheney was “calling me by my stage name… recalling past storylines, especially the demonic possession of several years past. But more important, he thought I was dead, because the show that aired on Friday 12.29.06 left my character John Black shot & presumed dead.” Classic.
Lachey, ringtones, and sick people
First off, we felt the need to address all the sick people you see working in the service industry. We wondered why they weren’t calling in sick.
When you’re friends throw up, it’s best they do it while surrounded by detergent.
My sister-in-law called last night to ask if I’d heard about Nick Lachey’s season ticket arrangement for K-State basketball. I had heard he had season tickets because he is close friends with Coach Huggins. I hadn’t heard the rumor about him keeping an apartment here.
Stooksoscope for Thursday
Leo
Someone enters your life who might be part of it forever. A new friend, lover or mentor — the stars say that it could be any one of those three. Or Hugh Downs.
Sagittarius
An upbeat energy fills your life, and just in time too. You’re game for just about anything: hot-air balloon rides, jungle safaris, peeping tom sessions, you name it.
Taurus
It’s important to pay attention to your feelings, but make sure you’re not rushing into a situation that could be easily sidestepped. Whenever Mangino charges, just move to the left, there’s no stopping that momentum.
Virgo
Yes, it’s true: You have a zillion important things to take care of. No matter how jammed your schedule, find time for a break. The best time might be somewhere between your Pilates session and your weekly delousing.
Stooks Proverb: Blood is thicker than water, but hard to boil pasta in, so you’ll just have to take your chances.
Scoop
The tabloids say Britney’s record label is thinking about dropping her. I guess her vagina disappointed them, too.
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz didn’t spend Christmas together, leading tabloids to claim “it’s over!” I think Britney’s available.
SpyOnVegas.com caught Paris Hilton taking an ice cube to the face. I guess that’s better than the alternative.
Barbara Walters says Rosie is here to stay, regardless of what Trump thinks. What does Trump think? Rosie’s fat and ugly.
Whitney Houston is selling her bras and panties to keep her cash flow intact. I guess that’s better than trading them directly for crack.
Mario Lopez will host the Miss America Pageant in Vegas. I hope he knows they’re not as slutty there as they are in the Miss USA competition.
Jamie Foxx couldn’t convince Usher to take a shot at a New Year’s Eve party. Usher wanted to stay sober and avoid any possible vagina slips.
Dating eval
Yesterday, we briefly touched on creating some kind of evaluation to use on a first date to figure out whether you’re talking to a psycho. Today, we figured out some of it.
Segment 1 – Cutting up puppies (5:42)
Segment 3 – The Man Show? (2:56)
Segment 4 – From a guy’s point of view (1:33)
Segment 5 – The High Lady (3:16)
Segment 6 – Cat killers (1:27)
Yesterday, I mentioned a tipped over port-a-potty across from Silverado’s in Aggieville.
“Did Louie Anderson light a match in there again?”
Stooksoscope for Wednesday
Aquarius
Some life-long beliefs may come under fire. Others may not understand why you hold onto some ideals as fiercely as you do. You don’t have to explain yourself, but you may have to deal with criticism. After all, mercy killings of every squirrel you see can be a bit much at times.
Cancer
You can make the world a kinder, more compassionate place. Look for ways to improve your community. Step one: stop flashing strangers in Aggieville.
Scorpio
Give yourself a head start by looking into the deeper aspects of your current dilemma before you take the next big step: rat poison.
Aries
The other party is telling you that this is a limited time offer, but you’re not so sure you want to act now. That’s fine. Keep your options open. Taking your time is well within your rights. Seek wise counsel: the guy in the polyester vest drinking Boone’s behind Rusty’s.
Stooks Proverb: You can have too much of a good thing. Just ask Kirstie Alley about tapioca pudding.
Scoop
Jessica Simpson’s dad is annoyed at her for turning down a New Year’s Eve hosting gig at a club in Vegas so she could hang out with John Mayer. Britney Spears ended up hosting the event, where she had her little pass out/spontaneous sleep. At least Joe Simpson doesn’t touch her.
Nick Lachey and Vanessa were dirty dancing at some club when Vanessa stumbled backward and out the back entrance. Nick got annoyed and walked away while her girlfriends took care of her.
TMZ.com says Jessica Alba is too skinny.
Moments later, Jessica’s rib cage shredded the Nerf ball.
Anna Nicole Smith has until January 23 to get a paternity test.
Oprah opened a school in South Africa. Stedman continued to sit there with a mustache.
“Stedman, you have Oprah in your stash!”
Attempting to deliver a compliment, will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas says Michael Jackson still “sings like a bird.” Unfortunately, he still “acts like a pedophile.”
The father of Madonna’s adopted son wants to know how his kid is doing but has no way of getting in contact with her. I’m glad he reminded me to loathe her today.
Will Ferrell’s son Magmus now has a little bro, Mattias. And they can even have their first argument over who’s name is more embarassing.
Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy got renewed through the 2012 season. I just hope we see some retro facil hair on Trebek before his time’s through.
Demi Moore isn’t pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair. She’s not creepily old enough yet.
Nicole Kidman insists she go on every tour with Keith Urban.
New Year’s mistakes
We spent the morning talking about New Year’s, and some of the disasters we observed.
Girlfriend goes home in the back of a cop car/Guy passes out at a random house (4:54).
Jeri Anne told us about an ex who gave her an interesting call on New Year’s (2:31).
One of our listeners weighed in on Jeri Anne’s story with a creepy story of her own (3:27).
We talked about mental evaluations for potential boyfriends/girlfriends (1:46).
Unrelated: How seasons could fix our problems in Iraq (2:58).
Stooksoscope for Tuesday
Capricorn
Tough emotional times can definitely be draining, but cheer up, because this has only made you stronger. Loved ones lend their support to you wholeheartedly. Now you know that you can handle just about anything, even both Kathy’s
Gemini
Everyone’s feelings are a touch more sensitive than usual right now, so tread carefully. Speaking without thinking could backfire in some surprising ways. Besides, your argument about
Libra
You genuinely enjoy people, and the more different they are from each other, the better. You get the best out of every situation. You’re getting a reputation as quite the scenester, and you’re loving every moment of it! Much better than when you were getting a reputation as a sewer scavenger.
Pisces
Of course you want someone to be able to meet all of your emotional needs, but is that realistic or even desirable? Absolutely not! Be wiser about your emotional needs, and turn to other resources, like Highlights magazine.
Stooks Proverb: Stupid is as stupid does. Or if your Paris Hilton, stupid just does…everyone.