Matt Stooks

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Put your determination on display. Yeah, just keep sitting there with your Pringles can on the Polydent-stained coach you got from your grandpa.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Let the rational reenter your life as you restore organization to some parts that have gone topsy-turvy. A little chaos every now and then is necessary, but now it’s time to clean everything up. Don’t ask O.J. for advice on that. “If I cleaned up after slaughtering” wasn’t picked up, either.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re in the mood to live large. Consult Mark Mangino for tips.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It’s easy to judge someone based on something that’s actually just a small part of the overall picture. But should you really base your opinions of people on your ability to solve the Magic Eye puzzles at their house?

Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine, excluding diseases native to Britney’s crotch.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Now that you’ve pinpointed what you really want to do, you’ll be surprised at the influential person who steps forward to help you on your chosen path: a mummified Don Knotts.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You need to shed whatever’s not working, mainly, your Diddy-line Raccoon Dog fur jacket.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Acting with integrity ensures that the future of this situation will be as smooth as possible. The stars suggest you play it straight, so maybe you should lose the two-sizes-two-small Power Puff Girls Summer Short pajamas you’ve been strutting your stuff in.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Cooperation could turn to competition if the players’ aggressive impulses go unchecked. This may not be unwelcome, however, since passions will be aroused in all kinds of areas, especially your medulla oblongata.

Stooks Proverb: He who has no children, brings them up well. Or, at least better than Michael Jackson.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You believe two heads are better than one, and the stars give you a chance to prove it. Well, YouTube has the Siamese twins video, too. You might try that first.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

A difference of opinion could turn into something fiery. Wear a condom. No glove, no love.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Self-sacrifice is absolutely necessary at certain times, but this isn’t one of them. Why must you mutilate yourself at your aunt’s Christmas party.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The stars give you this opportunity to hone in on the top tasks in your life. It’s time to make a clean sweep of less successful efforts from the past. Make sure to back everything up and keep all your helpers in the loop. Keep O.J. on standby. The guy, not the fruit juice.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t suffer the fate of the boy who cried “wolf.” I mean crying “wolf,” in front of your friends? Pretty lame.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

An unorthodox job opportunity could open up your possibilities for creative freedom. But remember, people just don’t tip as well for fecal art as they used to.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Relationships improve when you apply a good attitude to them. If you do, you’ll be able to make smart decisions and stay firmly rooted in the here and now. Who knew that by giving yourself the present, you’d give yourself a future as well? Too bad you’ll never be able to tell anyone about your past. That poor street sweeper.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The more you’re able to clear your to-do list, the better you feel. Focus on reducing rather than increasing, and you’ll see how easy it is to simplify your life. This sense of relief is easily attained: Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You love helping people out, but the stars say it’s time to take a step back to live your own life. Your sock puppets will be fine.

Stooks Proverb: The family that prays together, stays together, especially if they pray in a vat full of Super Glue.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Take off in a brand-new direction. It’s time to show off your skills — including a few that people didn’t know you had. Just be sure no small children are around when you do it. That trick is illegal in most states and Puerto Rico. Just ask Screech.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Choose to radiate serenity, even if everyone around you decides to cop an attitude. It’ll take practice at first, but all this effort will pay off. You’ll soar past old obstacles toward new successes, mainly, schizophrenia.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Who knew you could run into romance while taking care of errands? Be sure you don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that you miss the smile a cute stranger is sending your way. What is it about transsexuals, anyway?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Take a long look at your finances and career before you join in with someone else’s plans. Is this really what you want? Is it even possible right now? These are all crucial questions to ask before you make a move. It may be time to face the possibility that you just can’t hang when it comes to Connect Four.

Stooks Proverb: Ninety percent of inspiration is perspiration. So, when people tell you you smell, just pretend they said “you’re so inspired.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Feel like someone’s put a second helping of anxiety on your plate and you didn’t even ask for the first? Maybe it’s time you speak up and say “can’t someone get some G D mashed potatoes up in here.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Lately the tried-and-true just hasn’t been doing it for you — you definitely crave novelty more than most. Are you ready to try something new? No, not hoola-hooping. You’re still not ready for that level of cognition.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Did you take a detour and end up stranded? Never fear, because this time is almost over. The path may not be straight at first, but you’ll get used to it. Mel Gibson puked on it the first couple times, but he had a handicap.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been eyeing an objective for a long time, especially since you know it’s well within your reach. Who put the Twinkees on top of the refrigerator in the first place?

Stooks Proverb: There’s a black sheep in every flock. And Kramer is thinking about sticking it upside down with a fork in its buttocks.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It’s time to pack up your troubles and get happy. Your luck has just taken a spectacular turn for the better. Now you can gleefully put away any lingering problems that have been on your mind for far too long. Go ahead, try on your grandma’s underwear. No one’s looking.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Renewed energy arrives in the nick of time. Diego always comes through for you in a pinch.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your stable nature also has some wackiness. You’re a multifaceted, fascinating person. Someone out there sees this softer side of you and likes what they see: a basket-weaving fool.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You have great expectations and, what’s more, the abilities to make them become a reality. Some friends have their own issues and aren’t thrilled about this. Maybe if you could resist the urge to lure small children into your cardboard theater for sock puppets, they’d see things differently.

Stooks Proverb: Your tongue can paint what the eye can’t see. Maybe Britney will hire you.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

All the stars are on your side, so ride out these recent upheavals. They may not look pretty on the surface, but if you wait, you’ll see how they actually end up being beneficial. You could open up a diner with that much face grease.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

The universe thinks you’re on the right track, and it’s sending you little encouragements to keep your spirits up. You’re frustrated because you want a bigger sign. Try taping several pieces of poster board together.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The more you can detach yourself from a conflict, the better you’re able to state your case. Try bathing in tomato sauce before you talk to the sewer people.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If actual travel’s not possible, explore places you don’t know in a mental or spiritual way. Roam if you want to! That’s the way Catherine Zeta Jones would’ve wanted it…if she were dead.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t fear a crooked shadow, unless it has a chainsaw.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If you’re seeking drama, you’re sure to find it. Wouldn’t it be easier to figure out what you need and ask for it? Your instinct may be to go into this with both barrels blazing, but will that garner real results? If you could only find out how O.J. would do it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Doubts can be so persistent, unfortunately. Whatever you do, don’t close your eyes and ears to preserve your fantasy of how everything should work out. Remember your trip to the emergency room the last time you tried to close your ears? A staple gun just isn’t the way to go.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Some deep work is required to clear out an emotional wound, but your inner diplomat is at war with your inner psychologist, and your inner Danny Bonaduce isn’t helping the situation.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Just remind yourself to stay focused in the right direction through these changes. Lately it seems as if up is down, black is white, and Rosie O’Donnell is Al Roker.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a horse by its saddle. Judge it by its dental hygiene.