Matt Stooks

Aquarius

Education takes you even further than you thought it would. So the topic is unusual — after all, if you want to learn about ant farming practices, why shouldn’t you? It could come in handy in an unexpected manner: making your boss do the “ants in my pants” dance.

Cancer

Giving back to the Earth is a good thing. Tell that to the police the next time they question you as you pop a squat in the woods.

Scorpio

A need for solitude gets turned up a notch. Just make sure you let the people in your life know that this is a temporary thing. If they know you well, they should be used to your pension for sitting in the closet surrounded by your My Little Pony collection.

Aries

A barrage of self-criticism takes you off guard. Who is this inner critic, and why on earth is he speaking so loudly right now? It seems you’ve been possessed by the soul of Gene Siskel again.

Stooks Proverb: Dog does not eat dog. Unless it crashes in the mountains and some greedy person already ate all the chocolate.

Stooks plays the old woman. Chris plays Harold, her husband. They call in about the passing of the metrosexual trend.

Britney Spears has started a contest to see who can sell the most copies of Kevin Federline’s CD, which comes out Halloween. First place gets to party with Britney and Kevin at the CD release party. Second place gets a pair of his old tennis shoes. Third place gets a spent joint with Kevin Federline’s DNA on it.

Madonna’s newly stolen baby has arrived in England. Madonna and Guy Ritchie will bless the baby with their presence in “the next few days.” That’s when they’ll get sick of playing with their TMX Elmo and start playing with their new toy. Madonna has found time, however, to tell everyone she followed the law in adopting the kid.

Anna Nicole busted on film popping pills! Twelve years ago. She must’ve killed her son!

Fittingly, Justin Timberlake will headline CBS’ Victoria’s Secret Gala in December. Maybe they’ll test his strength with some kind of new “unbreakable” bra.

There’s a warrant out for Wesley Snipes’ arrest. The feds say he defrauded the tax system. Plus, “Blade: Trinity” was really lame.

Finally, Joan Rivers is speaking out about Mel Gibson. “He’s an anti-Semitic son of a bitch.” Mel’s response? “Good one. She’s been dead for at least a dozen years.”

Ashlee Simpson has found someone new to ruin: Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. They left a restaurant in London together. They were even holding hands! Hopefully none of Ashlee’s suck rubbed off on Fergie.

Here’s an odd article I ran across on the demise of the metrosexual and why men shouldn’t wear flip flops.

We discussed.

Segment 1 (2:27)
Segment 2 (1:47)
Segment 3 (2:23)
Segment 4 (4:52) Featuring the old couple

In other show activity…

Stooks in the Morning reporter Frank Nareola live in Aggieville at 6:30 a.m. as the U.S. population count officially reaches 300 million (4:13).

The population counter forced Chris and I to recognize our own mortality (2:20).

Here’s the link to the population counter if you want to watch the numbers head toward 400 million. You might be watching for awhile.

Capricorn

You’re a big believer in the true, humble virtues of hard work and impressive results. Now, however, you could use a little glitz to further your cause. Show everyone just what a player you can be. No, I didn’t say “go piggin’.”

Gemini

What happens when you give a little spark plenty of air? Well, it turns into a great, big roaring flame. Use it to burn Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows into something decent.

Libra

The stars give you a much needed center to operate from, especially when it comes to making decisions. Sometimes you can get stuck on being fair. Now it’s time to start throwing above the waist in kickball.

Pisces

Give voice to your concerns in a creative way. Whatever is on your mind can be turned into art if you find the correct outlet. Just beware of that serial mime killer who’s been running rampant.

Stooks Proverb: Live and learn. Then get Luvs. Then soil them. Then place it in your neighbor’s mailbox. They’ll be shocked in two weeks when they come back from Europe.

Rosie O’Donnell may be in talks to get her own F/X show, a spinoff based on her appearance on Nip/Tuck. She played a poor woman who won the lottery then pays Julian McMahon’s character $400 thousand to have sex with her. I saw the episode. I haven’t seen anything since.

Kevin Federline taped an appearance for WWE’s Monday Night Raw program. Too bad wrestling is fake.

“Be careful with the hat, bro.”

Jennifer Aniston’s Oprah appearance aired today. As People said earlier, she’s not through with Vince Vaughn. She also says her boobs got bigger not because of a boob job, but because that’s where she put on weight. Why would you lose that weight in the first place, then? Also, Vince Vaughn is reportedly suing three newspapers for reporting a makeout session with some random woman.

Lindsay Lohan got served, literally, while she was on the red carpet at an awards show the other night. They don’t know what she got subpoenaed for, but at least she wasn’t served on the dance floor by Paris again.

“Is this for being a firecrotch again?”

Speaking of which, she was seen the other day, dining with the guy who called her a firecrotch. Maybe she was showing off her wax job so he wouldn’t call her a firecrotch again.

Bobby Brown just got caught up on his child support, paying $11 thousand. Anyone else suspect crack dealings?

Ashton Kutcher won’t let Demi Moore see President Clinton again. I guess Bill was a little flirtatious with her at some dinner party. The Enquirer says it led to the biggest fight of their relationship. Just because Bill can out-manwhore you Ashton, don’t be a player hater.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker madeout in public the other day. Doesn’t it look like she’s missing his face?

“God I love encircling this lipmole with my tongue!”

It looks like Madonna beat the human rights groups and successfully stole a child from Malawi. It was such a loving scene as the child boarded a plane with Madonna’s bodyguard.

My friend Chris got a discussion going on his blog involving a two percent tip for bad service at Buffalo Wild Wings in Kansas City.

We asked our listeners, how low is too low for a bad tip? And if the waitress is pregnant, does she deserve a break?

Segment 1 (5:38)
Segment 2 (5:37)
Segment 3 – The High Lady (8:05)
Segment 4 – The High Lady “Don’t call out Denny’s!’ (1:56)

Tight pink undies as a skirt = 50 percent tip

In other show activity…

“Gnomes,” the movie (3:15).

Leo

Sometimes you can get so attracted by the glitter that you edge dangerously close to going over the top. Take a step back — or better yet, ask a good friend for their perspective on the matter. The temporary tattoo of Bob Saget on your left butt check might be a bit much.

Sagittarius

Sometimes you need to make inner changes to see outer results; other times, it’s the exact opposite. Now is a moment where making concrete changes revitalizes your inner landscape for the better. Laying off the chili-cheese dogs might help your innards, too.

Taurus

Someone seems intent on rubbing you the wrong way. The library just isn’t that place for that.

Virgo

You’re always on the go, but the stars strongly recommend you put on the brakes. Your mind, body and soul need some time to recuperate. Gather your forces so you’re ready for the next required round of effort: a game of Uno at Sue Ellen’s.

Stooks Proverb: Barking dogs seldom bite. Unless you give them a cupcake or something.

This is the third story about Angelina Jolie’s bodyguards getting a bit too intense in India. A photographer says one of the hired Indian security guards punched him and then pulled a gun on him. He was also verbally abused.

Tara Reid is talking about her deformed boobs a lot lately. She also says “Taradise,” the reality show that followed her partying, ruined her career. But I’m thinking it was the “maybe I can score with Tara Reid if I cast her” mentality was the reason she had a career in the first place. So now that she resembles a “safety first with your deli slicer” poster, that’s not so much the case anymore.

Michael Jackson’s spokesperson says he hasn’t been to St. Tropez, France in years. So there’s no way pictures of him in women’s clothing could be him. And since he wasn’t treating a 12-year-old like a sock puppet, I know it wasn’t him.

Katie Holmes parents are threatening to boycott her wedding if all she’s going to do is have a pretend wedding with the Scientologists.

Scroll down the same article, and you’ll find out about Britney Spears plans to get back in prime shape for Federline’s record release on Halloween. And if she can’t get back to her old self, she can always just say she’s going as white trash for Halloween.

Madonna has a new children’s book coming out October 24th. Some believe that may be her motive for trying to adopt a kid from Malawi, rather than a simple desire to ruin an impoverished kid’s life. In the meantime, some human rights groups are going to try to stop the adoption Monday in court.

Jennifer Aniston bought a $15 million home in Beverly Hills. That house better come with Luke Perry for that price.

Bill Murray partied with some students in Scotland. He even helped was some dishes. That’s cool as hell. I don’t think he does the panty drop as good as Paris, though, so I doubt anything too scandalous happened.

We thought it might be cool to post the video of one of our character bits so you can see how we execute it.

This was more of a trial run, we need to move some stuff around in the studio so you can see what my hands are doing (tee hee).

We plan to get the old man/woman routine on here, as it’s even more fun to watch.

First off, scroll down to check out our first video production if you haven’t seen it yet. We plan on doing some more, and if you click on the “YouTube” button in the right column you can find all of our videos in the future.

Now, to the Free for All.

DeMone the Demon called in because of Friday the 13th (1:43).

One listener calls John Walsh out. Walsh brings it (1:36).

A woman calls about Nascar. I pretend to care/know what I’m talking about (1:41).

A caller says she hates Betty Boxdale, a key component of our show (3:46).

Underage drinking in Lawrence (1:26).

A woman turned on by her own car (3:26).

Cheating cops (3:31).

Aquarius

Mistakes were made. Hey, it happens. Sometimes people speak without thinking. That’s what happens when you’re a human being. Poop in your pants happens when you’re old and a human being, too.

Cancer

Focus on the present, especially if you’re dealing with a disagreement with a loved one. Bringing up the past will only create more hurt and can muddy the waters even further. Be big about this and think about the long term: you wouldn’t want your joint “men’s 50 and over” softball card collection to be jeopardized, would you?

Scorpio

You feel more grounded when you’re at home these days. If you want to socialize, why not invite a few very close chums over so you can congregate around a board game? While you’re chumming it up, be sure to compare your rotting teeth.

Aries

Mother yourself right now. Just because you’re normally a go-go-go type doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some slow-slow-slow. Put on a fluffy bathrobe, grab a good book, and beat your mailman over the head with it.

Stooks Proverb: A stitch in time saves nine. But Mangino can sit on all nine at once. A lot of surface area on that ass.

Mel Gibson says tequila made him act the way he did when he got a DUI. Am I the only person who wants to take a nap after tequila? By the way, the police searched the house of the deputy who busted Mel. They think he was the one who leaked the arrest report to the press.

Lindsay Lohan was leaving Paris Hilton’s house when she ran into some photographers. They took some photos. Then, realised they got her nips on film.

“Two! Two nipples! Aw! Aw! Aw! (think the Sesame Street Count)”

Paris Hilton says a text message she sent to Nicole Richie started their reconciliation. Who would’ve know “69 2nite” was such a powerful phrase?

Jennifer Aniston just filmed an appearance on Oprah. People Magazine says she told O her and Vince are still together. I think she just said it so Oprah wouldn’t lez out on her.

Kevin Federline is forbidding Britney Spears from using male dancers in her videos. If one d-bag dancer could steal her heart, what would stop another? By the way, K-Fed was on CSI, which I’m watching as I write this. Press the play button to hear his interaction with a cop on the scene of a crime. Man, I’m glad I kept watching. Here’s an even better clip.

Grey’s Anatomy’s Patrick Dempsey and Isaiah Washington have made up after their little cat fight. Now let’s get them a reality show.

Alec Baldwin tried to talk his way past a police barricade after that small aircraft accidentally flew into that apartment building in New York yesterday. Like most things Alec does, it didn’t work.

“My brother was in Backdraft. That pratically makes me Chief of Police!”

Hasselhoff’s wife says the Hoff only claimed a $60,000 income for the past year, yet somehow paid for $100,000 a month in credit card bills. Can you blame him for lying? Those pecks don’t wax themselves.

Madonna adopted a 1-year-old boy from Malawi, after all. Amazingly, he already spoke his first words! “Uh. I’d rather stay here, thank you.”

Angelina Jolie’s driver hit a motorcycle while trying to get away from photographers. No one was hurt. She even read a book in the car while she waited for the police to show up.

Directed by: Chris Casey
Written by: Chris Casey and Matt Stooks
Art by: Photoshop Adam

One of the most honest calls we’ve ever received, got one of the biggest responses from our listeners we’ve ever experienced.

Listen to this woman explain why she should be allowed to sleep with as many men as she wants to, but her “main man” better not even think about sleeping around.

Now, listen to the reaction calls.

Segment 1 (6:09)
Segment 2 (3:03)
Segment 3 (5:49)
Segment 4 (9:14)
Segment 5 (2:32)

In other, more comical show activity…

Another dude trying to get a hold of Swap Shop.

Capricorn
You just want to curl up into a ball. Go for it. Just don’t do it at the top of a hill. Someone may “human bowling ball” you.

Gemini
Anything worth having in your life is worth protecting. If someone encroaches on your territory, your instinct may be to bob and weave with some verbal wit. But don’t. Take a moment to really absorb what happened. And if you’re wearing clothing made of Bounty, then you’ll have no choice.

Libra
Are you longing for the pleasures of home? Hey — you can’t relive the past, and any attempts to do so could end up being more trouble than they’re worth. It’s too hard to find a good Delorean these days.

Pisces
A sharp sideways move is more helpful than barreling into a situation head-on. Observe the proceedings before you enter the fray. A little strategy will pay off. Now you can make the minimum effort with maximum impact. Especially if Mangino falls down near you.

Stooks Proverb: What goes around, comes around. Think about that when you’re making fun of the guy in the mailroom. You wouldn’t want him eating Rice Crispie Treats out of a crudely fashioned bowl made out of your skull. Would you?

Anna Nicole’s other lawyer (not the one she kind of married) has quit working for her. He said he had some disagreements with the lawyer she married over “strategies.” For example, who’s penis to put in Anna Nicole.

Two of the guys from “Grey’s Anatomy” got into a little bit of a tussle on the set. The guy who isn’t McDreamy was up for the McDreamy role during casting, but lost out to Patrick Dempsey. He gets up in Dempsey’s face, says some “disgusting things” and may have even given him a little choke hold. Maybe it was a little jealousy, or maybe they just felt Paris Hilton was hogging all the good cat fight stories.

At least he got the technicolored skull cap.

Speaking of Paris and her cat fights, she may have dumped Travis Barker after her punched face made headlines. It’s “not what she needs in her life right now.” I’m not sure if she means the drama or the whole only sitting on it with only one dude thing.

Shanna Moakler, the girl involved in the fight, says she wants to put it behind her. Thinking it was a challenge, Paris says she wants to put “it” behind and in front at the same time.

Mario Lopez may be diddling his partner on “Dancing with the Stars.” How piggish, right Jessie Spano?

Now performing a Waltz to “Oh, Artie Boy,” it’s Mario Lopez!

Nicole Richie, Lohan and Mischa were all at some karaoke bar the other night. They sang “Girls just want to be sluts.” Sorry.

Busted! Jessica Simpson caught with short and long hair on the same day! Extensions. Maybe her dad has some weird scalping fetish now.

One of Tom Cruise’s rubber stunt guns from “Mission Impossible” has ended up on eBay. Make sure you wash all the crazy off before using.

ABC is bringing back the original “Extreme Makeover” (think “The Swan”) to Friday nights. Let the flubber fly!

I’m not sure if it’s the season change or everything else, but I’ve been pretty pissy the last couple of days.

I’ve noticed a lot of people on edge. So we decided to channel the rage into something productive: today’s show! Instead of raging out on some innocent bystander, we encouraged our listeners to let it all out on the show.

Segment 1 – Smoothies/College (4:28).
Segment 2 – Divorce/The police live in my house (3:51).
Segment 3 – Raging on Stooks/Ferbie Rage (4:24).
Segment 4 – Advice from Stooks’ #1 stalker (3:36).

“Damn split ends!”

In other show activity…

The old, moaning, possibly German woman crashes her car again (1:34).

Leo

Your quick wit steps in and saves the day. Quips, repartee and rejoinders are all on your mental menu. And Mangino’s hungry.

Sagittarius

Communication is key to making sure events go smoothly on this day. Making a to-do list will help you get everything accomplished in good time. Just make sure “take your semi-weekly bath” is at the top of the list.

Taurus

Expand your understanding of the outside world. Pick up some foreign newspapers. Ask the smartest person you know to explain a difficult concept. Your brain will be grateful once it figures out hopscotch.

Virgo

You’ve been sitting in a chair too long. Feel the rhythm! The stars want you to put on your boogie shoes and cut loose. Take a dance class, jump some rope or just put on some music and shake what your mama gave you: epilepsy.

Stooks Proverb: One man’s meat is another man’s poison. Unless he lives in Massachusetts.

In Mel Gibson’s interview with Diane Sawyer, he says his anti-Semitic remarks were “just the stupid rambling of a drunkard.” His doesn’t normally slur so much when he slurs. The interview is on Thursday and Friday’s Good Morning America.

Scarlett Johansson gets tested for STDs twice a year. I think she’s confusing her sex life with Paris Hilton’s.

Speaking of Paris, her reunion with Nicole Richie means a fifth season of “Simple Life.” God I hate that show. Just the fact that people watch it bothers me.

“With the combined I.Q. of a toenail in need of Lamisil…”

Paris also says she will file a restraining order against Shanna Moakler, the girl Stavros Niarchos threw down some stairs after throwing a drink on her. Paris says Nacho just threw the drink in response to Shanna punching Paris in the face. Shanna must’ve “fallen” down the stairs, then.

Jessica Simpson’s basically confirmed she’s with John Mayer, by saying her relationship with him is “private.” She’s also saying that she’s going to be in a movie with Luke Wilson, so the tabloids will probably say she’s dating him, too. So, the tabloids called a “source” close to Luke, who said “Luke Wilson will never do a movie with Jessica Simpson.”

Quentin Tarantino is dating some hot, mystery Asian woman. She was spotted licking his fingers while he ate sliders at some party. That is filthy.

Ellen and Portia de Rossi will get married in June, according to The Enquirer. Ellen has to be great in the sack to pull this relationship off.

Jerry Springer’s daughter thinks he should run for President. I tend to agree.

Dr. Phil shoots some episodes at a regular house, in a regular neighborhood. But the regular neighborhood doesn’t like the crack addicts and racists Phil puts in there, so now production at the house has been shut down.

Paula Abdul has been named the 2007 Nevada Ballet Theater’s “Woman of the Year.” I guess being drunk for an hour and a half on TV each week is one of the requirements.

Some guy bought the rights to BindiIrwin.com, named after the Crocodile Hunter’s daughter. He said it was going to be a tribute site. But it ended up having a whole bunch of anti-Israel web links. Luckily, a family member was able to get control of the site and fix it.

Bob Saget returns to TV this Friday in the Deal or No Deal spinoff “1 vs. 100.” I hope they let him work in some of his great character voices from the AFHV days.

Since no one wants to broadcast it on their own dollar, K-State is putting this weekend’s game against Nebraska on Pay-Per-View for $3o.

Like boxing, we think their should be some preliminary showing. We asked our listeners to get creative.

Segment 1 – Midget clowns, Jell-O and naked bull rides (2:51).
Segment 2 – Midget running of the bulls (2:49).

Midget clowns are funny…unless possessed.

In other show activity…

“Baby Buying” (0:56).

Steve Schnell’s “Fall Weather Report” (1:08).

Aquarius

Someone says something that strikes a nerve — but you’re determined not to show that it got to you. Hey, you’re human — go ahead and reveal the effects. That way it won’t turn into resentment, just a nasty rash to horrify your family and friends.

Cancer

Why not give yourself a break and let life do the work? Rather than planning and micromanaging every aspect of your existence, learn to deal with what happens in the here and now — and, better yet, enjoy it. While you’re at it, buy a new recliner for all your ‘sitting there’ needs.

Scorpio

Start off the day in a leisurely, sensual fashion. Enjoy your body and the environment. But if your boss catches you sucking your own toes again, there’s gonna be trouble.

Aries

What do French fries, bad pop music and a trashy book have in common? They’re all fun and nutritionally worthless. They’re also in Mark Mangino’s belly button at the moment.

Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? If you want to ride it.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are a duo again! They were spotted eating together in public! Wait, that couldn’t have been Nicole Richie.

By the way, the Enquirer thinks it has a photo of Paris Hilton’s pot in her purse.

Katie Couric manages to do worse and worse in the ratings every week she’s on the air. Time to start removing clothes.

Ellen is buying a house near Oprah’s. I think she’s trying to be gay with Oprah and Gayle King.

Speaking of which…After his breakup with Jennifer, Vince Vaughn has been spotted in London with Kevin Spacey!

CBS is going to start putting clips from some of its shows on YouTube, which just got bought by Google for $1.65 million. Can I finally get some Mike Wallace snuff films up in here?

It seems like just a week or two ago we were talking about Ruben Studdard going into a weight loss program. Now, he’s lost 100 pounds. He’s also a vegetarian now. Cows everywhere breathe a sigh of relief.

Did Anna Nicole Smith pay $10,000 for her citizenship in the Bahamas? I didn’t even know they had citizens there.

Paraphrased Jessica Simpson: “At least I kind of had a career for awhile.”

Tim Allen just got married. She’s also an actor. They were in “Zoom” together earlier this year. By the way, a “Santa Claus 3” is coming out to keep Timmy in booze and marriage.

I didn’t go out at all Saturday night, and ended up going to Walmart at 7:30 Sunday morning to buy a Nintendo DS. By the way, I’m quite satisfied with the purchase.

One of our callers had an impulse buy of her own she wanted to share.

Today’s Columbus Day. We talked a couple of times about how much of a worthless holiday it is.

Both times, we got angry responses.

This caller simply yells at us for our lack of appreciation for the holiday.

This caller tries to persuade us with a song he wrote about Columbus Day.

“Next time I sail the ocean blue, I won’t forget the Rolaids.”

It’s been awhile since the High Lady sang at us.

She’s back with a new song.

Capricorn

Your inner haggler comes out and runs the show for the day. But who wouldn’t penny-pinch when it comes to buying one of those bracelets that comes in those little dome things out of those little machines. They really drive a hard bargain.

Gemini

Make love the foundation for your entire life. Start at home, and then see how you can expand your definition of love and care to all the areas of your existence. Surround yourself in mirrors, that’ll ensure the love flows freely.

Libra

Your mental scales are tipping wildly as you keep piling more evidence on one side and then the other. Plant your feet and think about what you want the end result to be instead of worrying about making things equal. Now go ahead and move the Cubans back to the cellar.

Pisces

Are you so tired of gritting your teeth over this matter that you’re willing to butt heads instead? Fine — a little healthy confrontation is good for the soul. And you’re knife feels lonesome right now, anyway.

Stooks Proverb: Let bygones be bygones. And let Busey be Busey.

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer hanging out at a hotel bar together? Then, they disappeared into an elevator? You don’t suppose they did anything naughty, do you? I think so. I bet the poor person who got into the elevator after them had to stop at every floor on the way down!

“Ouch” on Jessica Simpson’s movie with Dane Cook, by the way. “Employee of the Month” got just more than $10 million for its opening weekend. It was beaten by “The Departed,” the new “Texas Chainsaw” movie and “Open Season.”

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are making news while Brad films a movie in India. They took a rickshaw ride with Maddox. And no one better even think about taking a picture. Their bodyguard is threatening photographers and even grabbed one by the neck and yelled at him. Don’t worry, though. One photographer managed to grab one “quality” photo for your enjoyment.

“I’ll have Sloth beat the hell out of him, hon.”

Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, etc. are in for some trouble getting into some exclusive clubs. Club owners are sick of their childish behavior and don’t plan on letting them in anymore. But what about the dance-offs and assaults we’ve come to know and love from them? Someone call Fox!

Mel Gibson’s taking his story to Good Morning America this Thursday and Friday. He’s already filmed the interview with Dianne Sawyer. I just hope GMA’s accountant wasn’t on hand.

“I think I have one of those damn Jewish earwigs.”

Kate Moss’ boyfriend had to cancel his tour with his band, The Babyshambles. His people say he didn’t take enough time after rehab. But the tabloids say Kate Moss forced him off the tour because of his drug problem. How bad is that when Kate Moss intervenes because of your drug problem? Oh, and this article says she wants to have a baby, thinking that might stop him from using drugs. Too bad his sperm will be too busy beating the hell out of each other to fertilize.

Jude Law’s ex, Sienna Miller, is filming an indie film in Pittsburgh, or “Shitsburgh,” as she calls it. She’s apologized and said her words were taken out of context. Oh, I guess she must’ve said “damn anyone who calls this gorgeous town “Shitsburgh.”

Finally the scandal we’ve been screaming for: a tell-all book by Walter Cronkite’s former chef. The most shocking allegation? Walter would keep changing the number of people who were coming to dinner! What an old, son of a bitch.

Desperate Houswife Marcia Cross is expecting twins. That ought to piss Teri Hatcher off.

Free for All Friday got a little out of hand today, especially after one of our callers said fat people aren’t good people.

Today’s the High Lady’s birthday, and her present is talking about topics we covered days ago (4:09).

“Thanks for not being my wife, guys” (0:41).

A drunk moped accident (6:13).

The most offensive call we’ve ever had/The High Lady calls back with the story on how the asshole became boss (4:30).

Every listener who can get through calls to yell at the girl who called in about fat people being bad people (5:27).

The High Lady calls back again. We accidentally cut her off the first time around (2:03).

Visual approximation of today’s show

Leo

It’s time to put aside petty concerns. Muster up your enthusiasm and think about what lies ahead. Don’t let the small stuff stop you from taking the first and very necessary step toward a new stage in your development: changing your own diaper.

Sagittarius

Activities that involve waiting or patience are definitely not your strong suit right now. Instead, pick up and head out for the open air. Your restless spirit requires lots of stimulation and adventure. Your great grandpa’s spirit still complains about Medicare.

Taurus

Thoughts become actions before you know it, especially if you refuse to fully acknowledge what’s crossing your mind. Be fully aware of what you’re thinking. And beware the dark side of the force.

Virgo

You’re always poised, reserved and in control — until now. Damn you Don Miguel Bean Burrito!

Stooks Proverb: You only live once. Unless you press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start. Then you get 30 lives per player!

Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston broke up. Rumors say the relationship went downhill after he proposed to her with a half million dollar diamond ring at the end of June.

Some dude says R. Kelly beat him up and stole his idea. At least R. didn’t pee on him.

Nick Carter says he slept with Ashlee Simpson to get back at Paris Hilton for cheating on him back in the day. Things got awkward when Ashlee got up, started the tape player and then lip-moaned the rest of the night.

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton insists she’s single. Aren’t most ladies of the street?

The guy who videotaped Michael Jackson during his airplane trip to surrender to child molestation charges is getting six months home detention. And he’s not allowed to have any Jesus Juice ever again. Unless he brings a 12 year old with him.

Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham are now shopping buddies.

Eva Longoria fell down some stairs and bruised a couple ribs on the set of Desperate Housewives yesterday. God that’s hot.

Turns out Madonna isn’t going to adopt an African baby. I still hate her, though.

Scroll down in this article and you’ll find out about Hasselhoff eyeing different female journalists. Imagine the walk of shame after sleeping with David Hasselhoff.

I’ve been pretty good about going to the gym the last couple weeks.

Yesterday, I thought I’d hit about the sauna after my run.

It’s a co-ed sauna, and as I entered the little hallway that separates the locker rooms from the sauna, the door slammed behind me. A Korean woman entered from her locker room at the same time, and was startled by the door slamming. “Oh! You scared me,” she said.

Eventually it’s me, and four Korean women in the sauna. They had a non-stop conversation in Korean while I was in there.

This morning, we tried to figure out if that’s rude or not.

Segment 1 – “Shake some sweat at them” (4:05).
Segment 2 – “Hopefully they were talking bad about you” (4:44).
Segment 3 – “If only you had your man purse” (5:50).
Segment 4 – “Everyone’s friends in the sauna” (7:41).

“We’ll speak whatever language you want, Stooks.”

In other show activity…

Former Congressman/potential pedophile Mark Foley calls the show and confuses me for a 16 year old (1:16).