Matt Stooks

Aquarius

Self-sacrifice isn’t a problem for you. Just make sure that while you give, you shouldn’t actually give until it hurts. Usually that’s after you donate the second kidney.

Cancer

Not everyone gets you right now, but that’s fine — after all, you know that you have your own special style that can’t be duplicated. Just because you and Screech are in the minority doesn’t make you dirtballs…unless it involves scat play. What’s that? Oh, never mind. You are a freak.

Scorpio

You understand an emotional type more than most, especially when their ways are dissected by the more straitlaced. Defending them isn’t your job — however, defusing any nasty or unworthy gossip absolutely is. Unless it’s some good gossip like “Do you see how Cindy’s walking today? And check out that smile on Fred’s face!”

Aries

What’s this? Your usually go-for-it attitude has toned down. You’re feeling gentle, dreamy and in touch with the larger forces. Go with the flow. Maximize your mood and explore meditation or keep a dream journal. Just don’t let anyone find out, or it’ll be like that time your mom found those leather accessories in your closet.

Stooks Proverb: If you play with fire, you get burned. And it doesn’t share its Tickle Me Elmo Extreme.

Paris Hilton got punched in the face Tuesday night by Shanna Moakler, an former Dancing With The Stars contestant. Shanna used to date Travis Barker from Blink 182. Paris hooked up with him recently, so Shanna got up in Paris’ face. Then, Paris ex Stavros Niarchos supposedly poured a drink on Shanna and threw her down some stairs. It’s not clear if it happened before or after her stumble, but at some point, Shanna punched Paris in the face.

“Whoops! Here’s something I haven’t screwed.”

Speaking of which, Kevin Connolly wants to marry Nicky Hilton. She is a little reluctant since her first marriage ended after six weeks, and since Paris is winning the “who can sleep with the most people” bet.

To celebrate the birth of his latest son, Kevin Federline handed out cigars…in Vegas. Without Britney. Britney wasn’t very happy about it. Neither is a photographer who had her camera pushed into her own nose when she tried to take a picture of Kevin. I guess he left his “good” wife beater at home. From Page Six: he’ll get $10 million if Britney leaves him.

“Doritos. Mmmm.”

Someone spotted Mel Gibson enjoying a beer with a couple young ladies. What’s that old saying? You can take the Anti-Semite out of liquor but you can’t take the liquor out of the Anti-Semite.

Madonna is such a copycat. She’s adopted an African baby. Then, she wants to makeout with it at the MTV VMA’s.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker haven’t broken up.

SHARON STONE WITHOUT MAKEUP!!!

“There is no Sharon. Only Zeul.”

Cher is auctioning off some paintings, furniture and gowns. Fumigation not included.

Some woman in Georgia wants to ban the Harry Potter books in schools because of their ties to witchcraft. I think she just has wand envy.

Siegfried and Roy have been inducted to the Las Vegas Walk of Stars. They likely madeout later on.

Tori Spelling is pregnant with her first baby. Boring.

I was tempted by a hot girl buying cheese while wearing a Royals shirt in Walmart yesterday. I was too chicken to approach her, though.

This morning, we discussed picking up at Walmart.

Segment 1 – “I got my cheese and she walked out of my life forever” (3:33).
Segment 2 – “What about your grandkids?” (5:08)
Segment 3 – “Hitting on people at Walmart is creepy” (4:25).

“What’s wrong with you, boy? Not a day goes by that I don’t walk out of here with some serious tail.”

We didn’t air this, but we’re guessing it comes from a deaf person who listens to the show. I know that doesn’t make sense. Just listen to it.

Capricorn

Sometimes resting is its own form of exercise. Initially you may scoff at that, but learning how to truly relax and shrug off the everyday burdens of tension is an art: an art well-suited to your meticulous dismembering technique.

Gemini

Learn to admit when you made a mistake. Next, go to the parties who were injured by that mistake and apologize wholeheartedly. No one should be forced to listen to your slander of acting god Dave Coulier.

Libra

Someone you haven’t met could be just the person to change your life. Once they see your face, they probably won’t help.

Pisces

Your intuition is so accurate these days, it’s almost uncanny. You arrive at correct perceptions through unorthodox data: the number of Starburst Jelly Beans it takes to make you hurl.

Stooks Proverb: Old habits die hard, especially when that habit is collecting Hugh Downs photos.

That photographer who says he’s the real baby daddy has filed a paternity suit against Anna Nicole Smith. She will have to return to California for the test. He’s worried about the “health and safety of the child” in the company of Anna Nicole.

Katie Couric has fallen all the way to 3rd place in the ratings. But she is getting more younger viewers. If they get her to start jumping up and down while she reads the news, they’d go up even more. Hire me CBS!

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt hired David Beckham to teach Maddox to play soccer.

Ruben Studdard, realising he’s fat as Hell, is trying to lose weight. “I don’t want to be diabetic. I don’t want high blood pressure. I don’t want to have bad cholesterol.” He kindof left off the part about not wanting to crush any more prostitutes.

Jessica Simpson’s been sleeping on the floor. She thinks it helps her sleep. Too many memories of Nick in her bed with some other woman.

Fox is going to start putting some of its TV shows on MySpace. Good. It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to watch a TV show with frequent white screens saying “Your problem has been forwarded to MySpace’s technical support team.”

90210’s Jenny Garth just had her third kid. Shannon Daugherty doesn’t plan on reproducing, does she?

Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) is still clinging on to fame with another movie, School for Scoundrels. I applaud him for getting as many movie roles as possible before Hollywood realises it shouldn’t cast him in anything.

Little Mermaid is out on DVD for the first time. Oh the things I would do…

“I always have the hardest times undoing those seashell bras.”

I’ve decided to start paying extra and drop my laundry off at the laundromat so I don’t have to deal with it.

One of my concerns is some greazy guy with a bad stash smelling my undies. In fact, I don’t want any man doing my laundry. Any man who does other people’s laundry for a living is disturbed.

Segment 1 – “What’s wrong with a dude doing your laundry?” (2:14)
Segment 2 – “Don’t let any dude touch your laundry” (3:52).
Segment 3 – The High Lady on laundry voodoo (4:26).

“So many panties…so little time.”

In other show activity…

Some guy speaking nonsense (2:06).

Chris and I discuss the idea of James Earl Jones topless (2:10).

Leo

Variety spices up your life if you let it. Just make sure you have some Pepto-Bismol handy.

Sagittarius

One of your greatest gifts is your ability to believe: in yourself, in possibility and, most of all, in UFOs. The stars just love your tinfoil spaceman suit you devised to greet the visitors.

Taurus

A window of opportunity opens up, but it requires a little work on your part to find it — it’s not easily visible. Just follow the smell of burnt Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Virgo

You’ve been so careful about budgeting — whether it’s time, money or energy — that you actually have a surplus. You can afford to share with someone, just not the less fortunate. You have a rule against that.

Stooks Proverb: First come, first served. But they close the buffet when Mangino is in sight.

This weekend, I missed a key opportunity for some good video when some jugglers from K-State took a pen out of my mouth as I stood between them while they juggled.

Vowing to never let this happen again, I headed to Target to find a good bag for my camcorder.

When I was checking out, the clerk said “Is this purse yours?”

I’m already insecure enough about it without having someone ask me if it was my purse, so we asked our listeners what they thought about the man purse.

Harley guy with a purse (0:40).

My boss’ man purse (1:51).

“I don’t want to look European!” (1:18)

“Don’t make me get me mace (2:18).”

“Can you spare a tampon?” (1:36)

“Don’t store toiletries in there (1:22).”

“Your girlfriend could use it (0:47).”

No metrosexuals allowed (0:36).

“No man bags allowed. Period (1:11).”

“I’ll make fun of you. But not to your face (0:55).”

Stooks models the man purse

Chris sees Stooks with his man purse

Aquarius

No one, but no one can bring the wacky the way you can. Except you know that your ideas are far from wacky — it’s just that everyone else is so hopelessly boring! I mean, come on, who wouldn’t appreciate a sweater woven from 100% American back hair.

Cancer

The inner worth of a person is never visible in the outer shell. You know that, especially since you dissected that circus clown.

Scorpio

Some zany ideas will put you in a tailspin. Your first instinct may be to pass on these kooky brainstorms, but hold on. Write everything down and save it for later. Just make sure your ideas don’t fall into the hands Unibrow Sexaholics Magazine.

Aries

You’re ready to strike out on your own with some original and extremely brainy ideas. You’ll be better off mulling over these concepts in private, in a very dark room with African tribal music playing in the background.

Stooks Proverb: Patience is a virtue. So is sitting through just the audio from an episode of “Baywatch.”

Dustin Diamond says he isn’t involved with the release of his Dirty Sanchez technique to the world. He says he and his friends make sex tapes and they try to keep one-upping each other. The gambling site BetUS.com is in the lead to own the rights and distribute the tape, at a rumored cost of $30 to watch, you filthy piece.

The threat of a psychiatric evaluation hastened Michael Jackson’s agreement with Debbie Rowe over custody of their kids. You have to give Michael props for knowing that a psychiatric exam would show how much of a freak he is.

Anna Nicole Smith did not get married to that one lawyer guy. They simply committed to being there for each other, and plan on making it official in the future. If she remembers what’s going on.

Celebrities from Paris Hilton to theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking have signed up to get a brief spaceflight from billionaire Richard Branson’s company in 2008. I am shocked I haven’t seen someone in a Stephen Hawking outfit for Halloween yet.

Lindsay Lohan was seen with her ex the other day. They haven’t even been broken up for a week, and she was with Paris’ ex, Stavros Niarchos the day before. Maybe she just hooked up with Stavros so she could have some new STDs to pass on to her ex before breaking up again.

Liza Minnelli has signed on as a guest star for Law & Order. Get ready to regret that HDTV purchase.

Robert Downey Jr.’s been cast as Iron Man. I always thought he’d be a good Back Tar Heroin Man, but I guess this’ll do.

Avril Lavigne’s apologizing for hocking some loogies at the paparazzi. Especially since she had a sinus infection.

Robin Williams is out of rehab. Now he can get back to acting and being annoying as hell.

Scarlett Johansson is Esquire’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.” I guess I’m okay with that.

More good-looking people news: Miss Czech Republic is now Miss World. Gotta be a sympathy vote.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are having some problems. This article says it has to do Tony being seven years younger than Eva.

Beyonce has a new clothing line. Sadly, the clothes aren’t fitting people. Beyonce may want to let them know they need to turn their ass motors on before squeezing into her clothes.

I caught last night’s SNL on Tivo. It was the best episode I’ve seen in years. I hope it wasn’t just because Dane Cook was hosting. Here’s an article on Seth Meyes joining Amy Poehler on Weekend Update.

Another Free for All Friday, where our callers get to talk about whatever they want.

“Barracks Whores” (3:33).

“Custard Hill” (2:02).

“Speak English!” (1:35)

“How much English do you need to tell if someone’s dying?” (1:51).

“Carlos Mencia sucks” and “Paris Hilton interrupting bill O’Reilly” (2:56).

“I’ll fart in your face!” (3:44)

The new Blade Velasquez song (3:32).

Capricorn

You know that saying about ‘all work and no play,’ and what that imbalance can do to people? Make sure you do something that puts the sparkle in your eye, whether it’s running through the grass, taking a trip, or loosening the tops of the parmesan jars at the pizza place.

Gemini

Get out from under the scrutiny of bosses, managers and other authority figures. You need to have room to play, explore, and light sensitive documents on fire.

Libra

Put your money where your mouth is. If you’re not really poor, you’ll usually lose that game. No cheating with a cashier’s check, either.

Pisces

Be a little whimsical. Skip to the mailbox. Wear a funny hat during lunch. But beware: some mistake your whimsicalness for gayness.

Stooks Proverb: Jack of all trades, master of none. That’s why even famed one-trick pony Snuffleupugus is better than you.

Right in the middle of some serious baby daddy drama, Anna Nicole Smith married her lawyer Thursday. That’ll be a healthy relationship.

Pete Doherty’s been spotted buying syringes. We’d normally not care about the singer for the Babyshambles, but he just got back with Kate Moss. He bought two syringes. How sweet, a “his” and “hers” syringe. Check out how much of a troll he is.

Synchronized Stoned Gazing

Michael Jackson’s been out of Bahrain since May, and now we’re finding out why. Michael and the Prince had a falling out over money and contracts. It didn’t help that the “Prince” wasn’t the small child Michael expected.

I’m pretty sure we got this story last time Britney had a kid: Christina Aguilera sent a gift bag to Britney for her new son. This means they’ve officially made up.

You might want to scroll down when you read that Tina-Brit story, ladies: Tony Danza’s a bachelor again! The pressure of his talk show affected the relationship. Especially since he portrayed himself as a homosexual on his show.

Page Six says Jessica Simpson is breaking down. Meanwhile, her dad wants to “beat the crap” out of Jackass‘ Bam Margera for saying he slept with Jessica at her parents’ house. He says “It really hurts to hear people say these things about my daugher.” Notice how his quote doesn’t rule out jealousy as reason for his rage.

Joe Simpson thought bubble: “One day, we’ll live in a world where we can eye our own daughter’s tatas without using peripheral vision.”

Even more Simpson-related news: friends tell The Enquirer Vanessa Minnillo will never marry Nick Lachey. She’d rather be with a real man than a pretty boy, they say.

Nicole Richie’s pissed that everyone thinks she’s anorexic. Now she’s a little peeved about reports she’s in rehab. She posted it on her MySpace, which would be impossible to do from rehab, right?

Ouch! Lindsay Lohan has rebounded to Paris Hilton’s ex. That’s a lot of STDs once they consummate the relationship.

George Clooney and Renee Zellweger are back together. Fine with me.

Amanda Peet is pregnant and getting married. She has to be one of the most underrated women in Hollywood. She’s the female lead on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, if you’d like to stare.

“I dreamt about you again last night, Stooks.”

Charlie Sheen is about to become the highest-paid sitcom star at $350 grand an episode. Ray Romano was making almost $2 million an episode his last season.

Chris was wearing a hoodie during the show today. He even went as far as to have the hood up with his headphones on the outside of the hood. I have conflicting views on the hoodie, and it let to a lengthy discussion. I didn’t realize people were so passionate about the hoodie.

Segment 1 – The rules of the hoodie (5:36).
Segment 2 – “Get your boy bands straight!” (4:50).
Segment 3 – “I’ll wear a hoodie however I want to!” (2:29).

“Kill me.”

We also had a discussion on New York’s idea of banning trans fats from restaurants.

Segment 1 – Second-hand Mangino (2:42).
Segment 2 – “Fat guy in a litle car” (1:37).

If you didn’t know yet, Dustin Diamond has a sex tape coming out (scroll down for Scoop story), and you walk a fine line on the air when talking about it, especially discussing his use of the “Dirty Sanchez.”

The old, possibly German woman took exception to what we said on the air (1:12).

Leo

Be willing to learn and take a chance at whatever opportunity comes your way. Encounters with new cultures open your eyes to numerous possibilities. Fortune cookies taste good, too!

Sagittarius

Simple coincidence? The stars say no way! They also say “man, I’m really gassy.”

Taurus

Reenergize your sense of connection to the world. See a play. Go to the beach and watch the waves. Get on your roof with a pair of binoculars focused on your new neighbors bathroom, you get the idea.

Virgo

You’re the wrong sign to pick on. Heck, you’re the wrong sign to hear that someone else is being picked on. And you’re definitely the wrong sign to hear that a scab is being picked on.

Stooks Proverb: He suffered paralysis by analysis. Or by a spinal injury, I can never tell.

Get ready to see Screech perform the Dirty Sanchez and experiment with other bodily fluids. I’m not joking. There’s a 40 minute sex tape, “Saved by the Smell” (still not kidding). Someone actually owns the rights to what sounds like a really filthy video, and is looking for a distributor.

“You probably thought you’d see Slater’s dong first, didn’t ya?”

Serious baby daddy drama for Anna Nicole Smith. Her lawyer says he’s the father. Unfortunately, her ex says the same thing. Call Maury!

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes went out for his mom’s 70th birthday. They did a good job pretending to love each other in public. Also, scroll down in this story for an odd story about the Cruise family appearance in Vanity Fair. Vendors in L.A. say people are buying five copies at a time. Their guess? Scientologists are buying up the magazine to keep Tom famous.

Classic Lohan story from Star. Her boyfriend broke up with her at a club, where she was invited by the Hilton sisters. Then, at the after hours at Paris’ place, Lohan-hater Brandon Davis (he called her a “firecrotch”) started making fun of her for the breakup. Kevin Connolly (Nicky Hilton’s boyfriend) got sick of hearing Brandon be a jerk, so he punched him in the face. Then, Paris and Nicky consoled Lindsay.

Naomi Campbell didn’t show up for her court appearance. This was for the charges she assaulted her maid with a cellphone. It looks like she won’t get arrested, though. I bet she could kick some serious ass in prison.

“R Line,” Seacrest’s clothing line, has failed miserably. I guess some gay clothing stores wouldn’t carry them. Here’s a good quote: “Ironically, if Ryan were gay and had come out publicly, the shirts probably would have sold like hot cakes!”

“Ten bucks says I can get this mic down my throat.”

It looks like Chevy Chase will play a Mel Gibson-like Anti-Semite, complete with a drunk driving scene when he guests on Law & Order. Except this time, his clothes are soaked in blood. Wow, looks like they threw “killing a Jew” into the creative liberties process.

Nicole Richie says she doesn’t miss Paris Hilton. And she says they will never reconcile. And she says, wait, hold on, she’s puking. Nevermind. I guess that was it.

“Ellllllliiiiiiiiiiooooooooootttt.”

So, there was a potential creep going around Aggieville this weekend with a digital camera. I witnessed him approach a group of girls at O’Malley’s with his camera, say “You’re gorgeous. Can I take a picture with you?”

We discussed.

Segment 1 – “Lookin’ for skin” (1:42).
Segment 2 – “I know what he’s doing with those pics” (1:57).
Segment 3 – The High Lady threatens to whoop the camera guy’s ass (5:15).
Segment 4 – Why you won’t see a woman do it (2:13).

“Wow…they’re even letting me touch them!”

In other show activity…

A caller excited about Warner Bros releasing five new pictures from the new Harry Potter movie.

Shua leaves the first ever “Stooks Voicemail” (2:15). We get creeped out. Remember, you can leave a message on Stooks Voicemail whenever you want at 785-370-4225 (HACK).

Peitron lets a call slip in from a (legit) old man who wants to put an anniversary on our sister station (0:58).

Aquarius
Revelations are just around the corner, ranging from the small to the large. Brace yourself, because big news about your favorite brand of rock tumbler will change your worldview forever.

Cancer
You’re so generous that you try to respond to people’s requests — even if they’re not quite sure what they want. Smile and nod as they speak, but subtly take control of the situation. Thank God you bought that chloroform travel kit.

Scorpio
An exciting turn of events leaves you torn. Luckily, you have Scotch Tape.

Aries
Extravagance and impulsiveness combine in some delightfully stimulating ways today. You’re usually so frugal, so practical, but when you see a life-size replica of Ozzie Canseco, you just can’t resist.

Stooks Proverb: Practice makes perfect. Just ask O.J. He played football quite well.

Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe are close to a custody agreement over their children. Their agreement? To make sure their kids have the most frightening existence of all time.

Paris Hilton has been officially charged for DUI. Now, back to whorin’.

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are getting back together for a show on A&E. Are you listening, Columbian coke cartel?