Matt Stooks

Have you heard about the Kama Sutra virus?

Well, I got confused after I Googled “kama sutra” to find out about this nasty little bugger, and stumbled upon the “Kama Sutra Animated.” I was shocked to see that this was some kind of obscene website!

Hint! You can set the poses as the desktop on your computer, but they will not be animated.

Hint! Probably shouldn’t leer at website too long while working

So, Stooks in the Morning presents “Stooks reacts while reading the animated Kama Sutra.”

The “I’ve been ravaged by Stooks” Pose

This guy can never gets any good email.

The Pops of Pudding is almost at that age.

The Prewitt and I went to breakfast at Chubby’s in KC the other day.

There was an old woman sitting next to us.

She had three empty packs of smokes, each one stuffed with cigarette lighters.

She used her cane to try to retrieve a penny off the floor. The Prewitt and I made eye contact with each other, as if to say “You help her.”

She was eating some oatmeal concoction that looked like a cat had popped a squat over it.

Yup, that was one crazy woman.

But, she doesn’t beat the old, possibly German woman who called our show today.

Last night, there was a wretched contestant on American Idol named “Wolfy,” “because I love wolves, and all my friends know me as Wolfy, and I love wolves.”

And amazingly, we had a Stooks in the Morning “stooksclusive” interview with Wolfy on our show.

I couldn’t find the complete freak who was on American Idol last night, so I figured the Tina Yothers picture would do the job.

So, we were making fun of this girl from AI, and then she magically called into the show.

There was a lady from Iraq who spoke to President Bush the other day in Manhattan.

So we decided to make fun of her, as “The Iraqi Lady” called into the show.

If you’d like to hear the original Iraqi Lady, so you can tell just how horrible our impersonations are, here it is.

President Bush came to Manhattan yesterday so that everyone would constantly applaud everything he said.

We were talking about it again this morning. The High Lady, even though she wouldn’t mind bedding the President, would rather talk football.

In 25 seconds time, we created one of the oddest skits of all time on the show.

Feel free to comment on the emotions you’re feeling after hearing it.

I met the most entertaining middle-aged woman ever today.

I wish I would’ve gotten her name, but it was at 12:30 at the Handy’s Liquor Store (tee hee…Handys…).

I say “Hey, how’s it going?”

My new friend says “It’s Thursday!”

And then we get into an in-depth conversation about how Thursday is actually better than Friday because of the anticipation of Friday. Whereas Friday itself is never as good as you thought it would be. Kindof like the Mortal Kombat movies.

Unfortunately, I didn’t think of the Mortal Kombat comparison at the time. But I’d guess a Shaft remake reference would’ve been more up her alley anyway.

Then, I say “I’m looking for vodka.”

She points me in the general direction of the vodka.

Feeling that she might be disappointed with me, I say “I don’t think you’ll be impressed with my taste in vodka,” as I retrieve a half gallon bottle of Viaka.

Then, she capped off the best liquor store experience of all time.

“I don’t buy the expensive, either. As long as you’re mixing it with something, who cares?”

I resisted the urge to hop the counter and ravage her right then and there. It took every fiber of my being to resist the temptation.

I paid my $10, and she bid me farewell.

“Have a nice weekend,” said the lovely liquor lady.

“And you enjoy the rest of this Thursday,” I said, fighting away the tears, as I walked out of her life…forever. Or until I want to get drunk in the afternoon again.

Have you ever read the side of one of these Celestial Seasonings boxes?

They have all kinds of wisdom.

And if drinking the tea and following the advice turns me as cool as the badass on the front of the box, I’m all for it.

In celebration of the fine reading available on tea boxes everywhere, Stooks in the Morning presents “Reading the side of a Honey Lemon Ginseng Green Tea box in an annoying voice.”

We get lots of calls for “can you say my friend’s name on the air for their birthday?” And it always comes off sounding awkward if we try to do it.

To help put an end to this activity, Stooks in the Morning presents the Angry Old Lady’s Birthday Wish.

How awkward is it when you catch someone staring at you? Not as awkward as you getting caught doing the same thing.

I always try to play it off like I’m taking a general overview of the room, maybe searching for catsup. Yeah, that’s right. The “ketchup” spelling is for losers.

We got some good responses this morning on the air, including an old man sneaking a peek in the restroom, and another appearance from the high lady.

Then, a little later, another woman calls in. And in the background, you can hear the high lady talking. The high lady snatches the phone away from the other woman and takes over the story. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder.

Santa called in today, and shared some of his secrets. Enjoy.

Why is it spelled that way?

And the alternate spellings are no better:

The bogeyman, also boogeyman, boogyman, or bogyman, is a ghost-like monster that children often believe is real.

“Boogieman” is more like it.

And children “often” believe he is real? Isn’t that saying the majority of children think he’s real?

As Stossel would say, “Give me a break!”

Disclaimer: Mattstooks.com is not making the assertion that John Stossel is indeed the Boogieman…though his stash is definitely hiding something.

First off, here’s the phone call that prompted the angry Email. We were talking about the occupations that annoy the normal folk. Car salesmen, telemarketers, etc. were on some recent study of the most unethical jobs when a caller said Jehova’s Witnesses should be added to the list.

I got another Email today.

Subject: you miss understood me
To: mattstooks@mattstooks.com

No I know what you meant. I was just saying maybe you should have said it different. Its over with so. I thought you could have slammed me better, but that’s ok. You did get my one long sentence in there. Like my brother said this morning we just like to criticize people we do it to ever one we here on the radio. I don’t hate you guys even though you it might have sounded like it. I was just saying you said something dumb. I guess this is my way of apologizing for miss understanding what you said.

What could I have said to prompt the following email? Did I really imply a Hitler-esque elimination of an entire religious group? I’ll have the audio here tomorrow. In the meantime, do your own grammar check, and then we’ll share notes.

Subject: d.j’s suck
To: mattstooks@mattstooks.com

My brother and I listen to all you dumb ass djs in the morning. You know sometimes you people should keep your mouth shut. Like when you said all jahova witness should be wiped out that was just wrong maybe all religon should be taken out more people die over religon than anything in this world. Now I know you think your funny but quite frankly I think you suck and should be replaced with some one with an IQ over 60.

Don’t go to the bathroom immediately after coming in from the cold. Things are a little harder to get a hold of, and when you finally do, the fingers feel especially chilly.

People who back into their parking space at work are setting the stage to get out of there as fast as they can, even though the net time lost is far greater than pulling in head first. That’s why we can’t make the opposite inference for people who pull in head first. They may just be too lazy to back in, yet still want to get the hell out as fast as possible. But at least we know for sure on the “backies.”

Gravy can be poured over any breakfast. Biscuits, eggs, bacon, Wheaties, whatever.

I have observed two people this week eating DQ (of the “cold treats” variety) while wearing a winter coat inside our office. That’s dedication. I’ve also decided DQ needs to come out with a Blizzard called the “Fudge Gobbler.” I hear it’s high in fiber.

The WWE, formerly known as the WWF, is going to start testing wrestlers for drugs and steroids after Eddie “Latino Heat” Guerrero died a few weeks ago. They didn’t find drugs in his system, but he used to dance with the white lady a couple years back.
That may solve one problem. But looking at the above photograph, I’m wondering if Satan played a part, becoming enraged with Latino’s superior, acrobatic facial hair maneuvers.

I’ve sucked at updating the website lately.

And the longer I go between posts, the more pressure I feel to come back with a good one to make up for it.

I liken it to what Luke Perry must think when he looks over scripts for possible Lifetime original movie roles, looking for the one that will make people say “Wow! LP is back!”

Sidenote: Nothing hurt Luke Perry more than when he took part in the weekly Oz “Who’s going to show their goods this week?” showcase, and even made “Earthworm Stooks” look decent while unclad.

Anyways, I’ll keep trying to think of something decent to put here. If there are any earth-shattering topics you think I should cover, leave me a comment.

I’m full of it.

Holiday cheer, that is.

Okay, I’m full of something else, too.

Our sister station, Q103.5, is going 24-hour Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving.
I

I got the privelege of putting the thing together, which involves staring at several computer screens for eight hours a day and sifting through 800 Christmas songs, trying to find the right mix of Amy Grant and Barry Manilow.

Then, I get to go home and try to find the most flammable Santa suit I can find online while contemplating climbing our 600-foot tower, lighting myself on fire and singing “I’m dreaming of a non-existent Christmas” as I plummet to the ground.

Seasons greetings,

Stooks

P.S. Was the long-awaited new post everything you hoped it could be?
P.P.S. I can’t believe I just did the “P.S.” thing. What a loser.
P.P.P.S. Whoops. I did it again.

Disclaimer: The above photo does not include Justin Carson or Matt Stooks. No way in the world either one of us want to be confused with the douche in red.

1 can cream of chicken soup, ½ Cup sour cream, ¾ Cup On The Border salsa, 2 Cups Colby or Jack cheese, shredded. Mix together all ingredients in microwave-safe 1 ½ Qt. bowl. Microwave on high for 4 minutes. Remove and serve with On The Border tortilla chips.

We enjoyed a batch last night. Quite tasty, and it is in the running for the John Stossel Pick of the Week.

And no, he didn’t rip it off the back of an On The Border chip bag.

The other day on Oprah, Kirstie Alley said “If you’re 45 and you’ve never been married, you’re a perv.”

So we debated it on the show.