Here’s an odd story out of Lenexa about a kid who’s on six months probation for putting some G.I. Joe Survival Beverage in her coffee that apparently made her sick. I knew people had done worse things to their teachers. Segment 1 – Nun tortureSegment 2 – Tainting food/drinks/shoes By the way, when we first…
Aquarius You thrive on fresh influences. The stars say you may need to toss a few things to recharge your sense of inspiration. That rotten meat loaf in your fridge might be a good start. Even Mangino runs in horror from that thing. Cancer There will always be stresses present in day-to-day living. You can…
Kevin Federline confirms he’s a father of another baby boy. “Mom and baby are doing well, thanks, but we’re all really tired.” Life & Style Weekly says Britney was craving a double cheeseburger and milkshake from In-N-Out Burger on the way to the hospital, but “Kevin refused to stop to satisfy Brit’s urge.” Then, she…
Men’s Health has “7 Reasons to End a Friendship.” FYI: They’re all really lame reasons and I’ve never heard of a single guy officially ending a friendship. You just grow apart or you don’t. Well, well, well, all women called in. “We’re breaking up our friendship! Let’s kiss…” We also talked about Chris’ dad picking…
Capricorn You know what you want done and you know how you want it to happen. Now if you could just afford Jenna Jameson, you’d have quite the film. Gemini It’s a hectic time, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Just make sure you stay mentally and physically flexible. See if you can bend your…
Always lead with Mario Lopez. He’s a 3-to-1 favorite to win the new edition of Dancing with the Stars. Jerry Springer at 49/1 odds. By the way, I recently caught an episode of Springer at my friend Kevin‘s house. It’s getting violent again. Give it a second shot. Looks like Britney Spears gave birth to…
We took up a classic today: pooping at work. First off, here’s some terminology that will help with this discusion. Segment 1 – The one hour deuce Segment 2 – Pooping without wallsSegment 3 – A block of Velveeta “Does the fake poop you use look a little too real? You need Insta-Poop!”
Leo Engage that cranium, but remember to check in with your heart on a regular basis. You wouldn’t want to have everyone call you “Cheney Chest” again, would you? Sagittarius Believe it or not, a surprising turn of events is just what the doctor ordered…much better than dose after dose of the pink stuff. Taurus…
This is sad: Anna Nicole Smith gave birth in the Bahamas Thursday. They found her 20-year-old son dead in the same hospital. The mole has returned! Cindy Crawford says she never admitted to using botox. Jessica Simpson and her dad/manager are feuding again. She better watch out, or she’ll be giving spankings again. Paris Hilton…
We talked about “being whipped.” Segment 1 – Guys whip themselves (1:46)Segment 2 – The Cat ‘O Nine Tails (3:09) We didn’t know what the hell she was talking about when she started with the “cat ‘o nine tails” teasing, so we had to Google it. Here’s the Wikipedia entry. All kinds of football action…
Aquarius Your intellect receives a large dose of earthy common sense. Here it is: dirt is good for growing things. Cancer Yes, other people depend on you, but you need to make your own needs a priority, too. If you get too caught up crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s for others, your own…
Diddy needs to change his name again! Only in Britain, though. There’s a little-known music producer who’s been using the “Diddy” name since 1992. Tom Cruise had a “decoy Suri” to throw off the media. Brad Pitt says he’ll consider marrying Angelina when gay people can marry each other. A Star Magazine article says otherwise.…
I’m surprised I hadn’t seen this earlier. It’s a video of Ben Affleck on some Montreal TV show while promoting Jersey Girl. At this point, he was between relationships with J-Lo and Jennifer Garner. So, he’s free to grope it up with the host of the show.
Dick Cheney needs to get on TV more. He was on Meet the Press this morning. Tim Russert couldn’t resist asking him about hunting. Cheney said he hadn’t been hunting since he shot that dude in the face, but only because it’s not hunting season. Take a listen to this funny exchange which ends with…
Both College and NFL leagues have started their seasons. It seems like almost everyone is caught up in a fantasy league or pick ’em league of some sort. We thought we’d take advantage of this trend. “Quentin’s ‘Can’t Miss’ Picks.” (4:32) “Are you ready for some, whatever this he/she’s involved with?” Free for All Friday…
Capricorn Ease up on yourself and others. You have a high set of standards. Not everyone can cough blood on command. Gemini Spend your considerable energy and insight on another person. They could really use your help. Clown makeup is the only thing that’ll make their face reasonable. Libra Get ready to close the book…
Ellen’s hosting The Oscars. WEAK! Paris Hilton’s blood alcohol level was only a .08 when she got her DUI. Any less, and she would’ve been free to go. That was at the scene, so chances are she blew even better at the police station and may get off. What? Even worse non-celeb Kimberly Stewart was…
We weren’t really feeling a talk topic today, so just a couple of clips. This guy isn’t happy about Twix bars. Steve Schnell’s “Stooks in the Morning really blows today” Report.
Leo There’s more to this relationship than meets the eye, especially if work matters are involved. Bring your full commitment to this enterprise, as well as a willingness to explore all of the possibilities, including a ball gag. Sagittarius You’re an ‘action speaks louder than words’ kind of person, but the stars encourage you to…
BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton was arrested just after midnight Thursday for DUI. Emilio Estevez is getting married. “I’m relevant enough to make mattstooks.com!!!” Jessica Simpson Wednesday! First off, she’s seeming like Ashlee right now: “lost her voice” just in time for her CD release and scheduled “live” performances. She’s also not dating John Mayer or…
I got into a discussion with a group of girls about body hair this weekend in KC. I learned a lot, so I thought we should take this issue to the air. Segment 1 – Body hair at the bar (3:59)Segment 2 – Old Woman wax (3:48)Segment 3 – Hairy legs protect her (2:13)Segment 4…
Aquarius All the right celestial influences are in place to support your wildest dreams. Crazy, unreasonable and outrageous are just labels other people use when they’re too scared. And well they should be, as your plans for a vacuum cleaner attachment that removes small children out of Mangino fat rolls will sweep the nation. Cancer…
Rosie’s getting pretty good reviews after her first appearance on The View. She didn’t even eat Elisabeth Hasselbeck. In all seriousness, she seems to own this show now. Katie Couric made her debut yesterday, too. She even got to unveil a photo of Suri Cruise-Holmes. Don’t get excited. No horns or hooves. We talked about…
Lots of activity on the show after a long weekend. My weekend in KC included a trip to J.C. Penny Outlet Store with my friend, Chris. We saw a pregnant woman, looking overdue and showing a little too much midriff. Segment 1 – Most guys like it (4:59) Segment 2 – “Whack an Outie” (2:41)…
Capricorn What gives? It seems like casual acquaintances understand you better than your closest friends do right now. Sometimes old habits keep loved ones from seeing each other clearly…so does not using Clear Eyes, but your displeasure with Ben Stein will prevent you from ever clearing that hurdle. Gemini Right now, you’d like nothing more…
The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, died today. Discovery was filming Steve at the Greet Barrier Reef. He was swimming above a a group of stingrays. One of them lashed its poisonous tail up to protect itself and speared him in the heart. It’s a very rare occurrence: 17 deaths in 10 years from stingrays. Here’s…
I’ve always maintained that the High Lady can sense when our show needs some help. We had a pretty rough start to Free for All Friday. Until the High Lady Called to talk about the United Pooties or something. Probably the High Lady at her most ridiculous. “America’s best high schools have giant print magazines.”…
Leo There are many benefits to being an adult — no curfew and not having to ask to borrow the car are a few. You can’t get away with looking up schoolgirls skirts as much, though. Sagittarius Push beyond the borders of your comfort zone, even if it’s only in the smallest ways. Try mango-cranberry…
Remember that guy that put together the sculpture of Britney giving birth on that animal rug? He’s now creating “Suri’s Bronzed Baby Poop.” HAHA! Also hearing that we’ll get to see the first photos of Suri in Vanity Fair some time this fall. “Horns? Hooves? Find out this Fall in Vanity Fair!!!” Misleading headline of…