Aquarius Some life-long beliefs may come under fire. Others may not understand why you hold onto some ideals as fiercely as you do. You don’t have to explain yourself, but you may have to deal with criticism. After all, mercy killings of every squirrel you see can be a bit much at times. Cancer You…
Capricorn Tough emotional times can definitely be draining, but cheer up, because this has only made you stronger. Loved ones lend their support to you wholeheartedly. Now you know that you can handle just about anything, even both Kathy’s Griffin and Lee Gifford. Gemini Everyone’s feelings are a touch more sensitive than usual right now,…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Put your determination on display. Yeah, just keep sitting there with your Pringles can on the Polydent-stained coach you got from your grandpa. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Let the rational reenter your life as you restore organization to some parts that have gone topsy-turvy. A little chaos…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Now that you’ve pinpointed what you really want to do, you’ll be surprised at the influential person who steps forward to help you on your chosen path: a mummified Don Knotts. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) You need to shed whatever’s not working, mainly, your Diddy-line Raccoon Dog…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) You believe two heads are better than one, and the stars give you a chance to prove it. Well, YouTube has the Siamese twins video, too. You might try that first. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) A difference of opinion could turn into something fiery. Wear a condom.…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) An unorthodox job opportunity could open up your possibilities for creative freedom. But remember, people just don’t tip as well for fecal art as they used to. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Relationships improve when you apply a good attitude to them. If you do, you’ll be able…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Take off in a brand-new direction. It’s time to show off your skills — including a few that people didn’t know you had. Just be sure no small children are around when you do it. That trick is illegal in most states and Puerto Rico. Just ask Screech. Cancer…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Feel like someone’s put a second helping of anxiety on your plate and you didn’t even ask for the first? Maybe it’s time you speak up and say “can’t someone get some G D mashed potatoes up in here. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Lately the tried-and-true just…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) It’s time to pack up your troubles and get happy. Your luck has just taken a spectacular turn for the better. Now you can gleefully put away any lingering problems that have been on your mind for far too long. Go ahead, try on your grandma’s underwear. No one’s…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) All the stars are on your side, so ride out these recent upheavals. They may not look pretty on the surface, but if you wait, you’ll see how they actually end up being beneficial. You could open up a diner with that much face grease. Cancer (June 22 –…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) If you’re seeking drama, you’re sure to find it. Wouldn’t it be easier to figure out what you need and ask for it? Your instinct may be to go into this with both barrels blazing, but will that garner real results? If you could only find out how O.J.…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The situation seems pretty cut-and-dried to you, so you can’t understand why someone else is all tied up with ambiguities and alternatives. Maybe it’s time to get them tied up with rope and duct tape and thrown in the closet, instead. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You’re positively…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Whether you’re dealing with emotional or fiscal debts, it’s important to balance the books before too long, or you could experience a real psychic, and monetary, drain. Deal with the situation honestly. Or at least lie with your fingers crossed behind your back. Cancer (June 22 – July 22)…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) A substantial benefit comes your way on the job, thanks to all your hard work. No one else can shake the Cheetos out of the vending machine with such grace. Except Power Hits 97.5 newsman Dewey Terrill. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Some people in your life have…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Take this recent lesson to heart. You know you deserve to be center stage, but all the time? Not only is that impossible, but it’s not even desirable. Take the time to think it out, and you’ll see how very true this is. Your infant juggling career may come…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Dare to dream! The current celestial energies say it’s time to go for it in a major way. Ask for that raise or pursue that cutie with all the zeal and fervor you can. Actually, make sure you monitor your zeal level. Last time, your zeal over Lou Diamond…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) You know your actions were justified, but someone else may not see it that way. Acknowledge that you might have overstepped your bounds. But in the end, replacing someone’s subpar Bread and Butter pickles with the more acceptable Dill variety is just the right thing to do. Gemini (May…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Right now you’re an expert in body language and hidden emotions…Much better than last week, when you were an expert in body fluid stain removal. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Ignoring a communication stalemate won’t make it go away, though that course of action might be your first…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Some timid types may be in charge of making big decisions right now, so bring out that offbeat, quirky charm of yours. That, combined with the cool logic of your choices, will have them on your side in no time. If that doesn’t work, try threatening them with a…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Even if you’re at a loss, look inward for the guidance you need to get you through this current issue. Damn, Highlights Magazine is challenging reading. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Some information you’re missing is vital to your next enterprise, so don’t jump into a situation before…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Classic business advice says to cut out the middleman, and this applies to all areas of your life right now. You’ll save time, money and stress when you tackle certain tasks yourself. Except for polar bear Slip ‘N’ Sliding, your best off being a spectator for that. Sagittarius (November…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Impulse control could become a challenge for you right now, especially when someone appeals to your maverick side. Let’s just hope no one comes along who appeals to your O.J. Simpson side. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) When it comes right down to it, you don’t have the…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) You have poetry in your soul, and it’s time express it. You might want to keep your Kramer tribute poems to yourself. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Your crackling energy takes a turn for the mellow and sweet early on in the day. Enjoy it to the fullest.…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The stars give you a dose of some sweet, slow energy. Your roar turns into a muted purr. Kind of like a feline Helen Keller. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The people you respect may not understand your plans, but that doesn’t mean you should abandon them. They’re…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You’re over it, but then why are you reliving it in your head — so much so that you’re not even aware of it? The key is to see yourself as you are: a person who has learned the lesson and is truly beyond the situation, rather than seeing…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) A need to make a fast choice inspires a brilliant decision. You’re so grateful for everything you’ve received. What’s more, that gratitude paves the way for even more good fortune to come your way. Isn’t Welfare great? Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Good fortune is ready to smile…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) You’ve been working tremendously hard. Now’s the time to take your vitamins, eat right and get plenty of rest – you’ve got Mangino to hunt. Just listen for the wobbling footsteps. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) It’s time to go where you want to go and do what…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You bring out the best in others. Your ability to get people closer to their goals helps you progress in leaps and bounds on your own as well. Expect a financial windfall to land in your lap just when you need it. Brace yourself. A bucket full of quarters…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Under this influence, there’s a definite ‘when in Rome, do as the Romans do’ vibe going on with you. Just make sure you get a big enough ring so your Christian can survive the lion attack long enough for a good show. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Being…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Trying to make everyone happy all at once is a balancing act — and an impossible one at that. However, if you can balance Bob Saget’s soul on your nose, then everyone will be happy. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Loved ones are demanding more of you than…