I’ve always thought way too many voters make their choices on team mentality. When George W. Bush ran against John Kerry, many people cited the “beer test” for where their vote would go. Who would be more fun to have a beer with? That’s who you would vote for. Almost as bad, is this weird…
If you haven’t put a Halloween costume together, Robert Goulet just handed you the perfect costume on a platter. You see, when Goulet was in a hospital waiting for a lung transplant, he didn’t really give you much to work with. What’re you going to do? Dress up like Goulet in a hospital gown? Boring.…
1. Are you too old to trick or treat? You usually reach an age where you become “too cool” for Halloween. This typically occurs around the age of 13. A couple of years pass. You turn 16 and realize the value of free candy. It’s at this point that you must decide whether free candy…
The New York Times is trying to give credit to “Grey’s Anatomy” for inventing the word “vajayjay.” It began on Feb. 12, 2006, when viewers of the ABC series “Grey’s Anatomy” heard the character Miranda Bailey, a pregnant doctor who had gone into labor, admonish a male intern, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.” I can’t…
From craigslist: Write porn reviews, get free dvds and get rewarded Seeking adult dvd reviewers in exchange for free DVDs and/or free access to online videos. Uh, so what are the requirements for this position? I’m sure not just any man can come off the street and do such a job. I can’t say I’ve…
Since most of us are too dumb and/or lazy to figure it out ourselves, several websites let you enter your stance on different political topics, and spit out a list ranking the presidential candidates. That’s assuming you know what ANWR Drilling, Kyoto and Net Neutrality mean. Check it out here. It’s non-partisan and the code…
Okay, I ended up costumeless for last night’s Halloween party. It was a little awkward at first, but a dozen Miller High Life Lite’s seemed to improve the situation. I relied heavily on the beard. If people asked, I told them I was Al from Home Improvement. They then chastised me for not wearing a…
Lipitor has a commercial based on an endorsement from Richard Jarvik, inventor of the artificial heart. But wouldn’t you say the inventor of the artificial heart would want people’s hearts to fail so he can put a baboon heart in them? And, I’ve yet to meet a single person with an artificial heart. It’s hardly…
She didn’t serve us, but we had the pleasure of checking out quite the waitress at Chelley’s Mexican Restaurant last night. Then, someone pointed out that they thought she was likely too young. Then, there were the braces. So yeah, she was probably a bit too young. But Jon insisted that if a woman looks…
I’m screwed. I need a costume for tonight, and I have no clue what to do. Children’s costumes usually fit me to comedic effect, but I’m thinking that’s a little played out. I have a beard now, so I’ve been trying to think of ways to brainstorm off that, but all I’m coming up with…
Boyz II Men shocked the world when they sang “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch. How did Boston land that act? Seriously, though, what’s with all the gratuitous America loving? The Star Spangled Banner is more than enough. Here’s a compromise: hand out American flag lapel pins to the first 15,000 fans, and don’t…
Have you seen the new iPhone ads with the douches talking about why they needed an iPhone? One particular ad annoys the hell out of me. The guy talks about how he had to carry a bag around to hold all of his electronic devices. Yes, I’ve done the same, but this guy’s reasoning is…
(2:06 podcast) A phone response from my post on the DMV. If you ever see a topic you’d like to call on, just look to see if “I’m Online” is lit up on the right side of the home page, and we’ll talk it out. If I’m not online, feel free to leave a voicemail.…
Keanu Reeves has me concerned about global warming. But Bonnie Raitt is telling me nuclear power, a key way to fight gloabal warming, is no good. My head’s going to explode from the inner conflict! Keanu? Raitt? Who will win the battle for my mind? BTW, I hate to say it, but I really think…
From Newsweek Ms. Hilton Gets Serious. Please Stop Laughing. Rich girl. Party animal. Jailbird. America’s No. 1 heir-head wants to get out of the bimbo business. And here’s Paris’ “You can’t see it, but my legs aren’t wide open in this pose” pose. “Can I move now? My crabs are itchy.” She’s shooting a movie…
I went to Old Chicago for a couple of drinks tonight. I got busted in a “Do I know her?” stare. We were sitting at the bar, and a red head moved into my peripheral vision. I glanced over, and thought I might know her. So I kept staring, even narrowing my eyes to tighten…
Check out the losers on People’s Sexiest Fan Alive. Of course, the Red Sox fan is in first place. Here’s my write-in choice: Disqualified for choosing the Quaker Oats as his team By the way, I’ve been informed that Wilford Brimley could eventually infringe on Chuck Norris as most-used crutch for jokes. So you know,…
I got a couple of weird phone calls this morning. First, a woman called looking for Famous Dave’s. Ten minutes later, a man called, also looking for Famous Dave’s. I told both they had the wrong number. Then, I get a call from the dude’s number again. I was sitting at the DMV by this…
I went to the DMV to get my tags renewed today. My Corolla was registered in Riley County, and I needed to change it to Johnson, so there wasn’t much I could do to avoid a physical visit to the DMV. People who go to the DMV have problems. Don’t believe me? Then why is…
All this Goulet talk has me thinking about Lou Ferrigno. “I’m twice the size of Chris Benoit, and I never even killed a kitten!”
As of this writing, Robert Goulet lies heavily sedated in a Los Angeles hospital bed, awaiting a lung transplant to avoid a tragic demise at the age of 73. Yet America, thrilled with California wildfires and Marie Osmond fainting, looks the other way. By the way, I just can’t get over how ridiculous this whole…
I’m shocked at the free publicity for Taco Bell’s “Steal a Base, Steal a Taco” promotion (bold mine). There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series matchup since 1990. When the first base is stolen, the unit of Yum Brands Inc, will announce a Tuesday afternoon when consumers will be able…
Goddammit, pork chop, you burnt my tongue! Why you gotta smell so good to trick me into eating you before a proper blowing?
The Kansas City Star publishes many letters that make no sense. Here’s one, with my thoughts included: Rate your life To determine a proper medical treatment, you may be asked, “On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your pain?” With this information the doctor is better able to help. Where is my pain…
FDA warns Viagra tied to hearing loss Viagra and other impotence drugs are about to bear new warnings that users may experience sudden hearing loss. It’s not clear that the drugs truly trigger hearing loss, but the Food and Drug Administration decided Thursday to add a warning about the possible risk after counting 29 reports…
From the Chicago Tribune: About 7 percent of dog owners plan to purchase a Halloween costume for their pet this year, up from 4 percent in 2004. This number seems low. Animals don’t belong in costumes. I used to think dressing up babies in costumes was just as dumb, but at least they’ll grow up…
If you’ve ever gone to the gas station just to buy beef jerky, there’s something wrong with you. Cleave tear + Three foot beef stick = Sexy
We went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza to watch the MU and KU games yesterday. They have touchscreen computers in the booths. You can watch TV, play games or go online. It’s a pretty cool idea. Our particular computer was dicked, though. It wouldn’t let us select any of the options. They rebooted…
I hate online polls (see here and here). News broke this morning about the Royals hiring a new manager. So, they had to throw up an online poll. Sadly, Americans are suckers for polls. In an hour and a half, 700 people jumped at the opportunity to cast their meaningless vote. Screenshot. Clicking will get…
It’s been too long since I last blogged about karaoke. We went to The Red Balloon last night. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s one of Kansas City’s only bars with karaoke seven days a week. Surprisingly, the DJ was the only thing that bugged me about the place. He was in the early stages of growing…