Matt Stooks

Five Reasons

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Five reasons to be pissed:

1. We had a late soccer game against douchebags, and next week’s game is later.
2. One of the sucky episodes from the later seasons of Seinfeld is on.
3. I’m out of hard drive space and need more immediately.
4. My WordPress install runs slow, and it’s probably one of the great plug-ins causing the damage.
5. Firefox is being a bitch on my Mac.

Five reasons to be happy:

1. I spent a lot of time in beautiful weather today.
2. Seinfeld is on 15 times a day.  A good episode is just minutes away.
3. I ordered the parts for a 750-gigabyte external hard drive.
4. My WordPress install is still badass, even if it runs slow sometimes.
5. Firefox runs okay on my XP laptop, and Firefox 3.0 should be out soon to ease my Mac troubles.

Verdict:

I’m pissed.  I haven’t been pissed in a long time.  I could use the change of pace.

My first Animoto

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I setup an account at Animoto, pointed it to a photo set on Flickr (you can also upload photos from your computer), picked a song, and five minutes later this came out.

You can make 30-second videos like this using your own music or Animoto’s decent selection. Extended length and downloadable videos are three bucks a piece or thirty bucks a year for unlimited videos and downloads.  I hate to post two “you should try this” posts in a row, but I didn’t expect to stumble upon this site tonight.

Twitter, and why you should use it

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’ve been using Twitter a lot the last week. I setup my account a year ago and never used it. Twitter keeps getting more and more buzz, so I decided to give it the full embrace. I love it. Now, I will try to convert you.

Twitter asks “What are you doing?” Then, you answer in 140 characters (a text message is 160 characters, for reference).

Here’s a collection from my feed:

Running out of hard drive space fast. I smell a terabyte external hard drive on the way. It smells metallic.

Rocking out to Neal Conan on NPR – the perfect after-lunch activity.

Easily made a flash movie with iMovie ’08. Next up: Five Dollar Footlong from Subway. Then, time to embed that movie. Fingers crossed.

Jalapenos from last night’s nachos playing catch up with my gut.

Royals up 9 to 1 after four. If they get any kind of consistent offense this year, people will talk.

Watching my third American Idol episode of the season. I’m so happy my current job doesn’t force me to watch this stale turd.

As a Twitter member, you choose to “follow” others. Their Twitter status will show up on your homepage at Twitter. If someone chooses to follow you, Twitter will let you know, and you can choose whether you want to follow that person’s updates, too. My updates are public, but you can choose to let only approved people see your innermost 140-character secrets.

If I’m not at home, I’ll use my phone’s web browser to update Twitter.

“Hot Eats” customers need to know that they’re slowing the drive thru for us “Cool Treats” people.

Shocker: Crappy driver has a “Mean People Suck” bumper sticker.

In a questionable cab after a great time with live music at Herb’s.

I haven’t used it yet, but you can text updates to Twitter. You can also have Twitter text you updates from select people. I probably don’t want to get text messages from some marketing guy I follow, but I might want to get them from a friend looking to go catch the Royals that night. If I’m out, I can tell Twitter to send texts from the proper friends.

You can setup your instant messenger to use Twitter. It’s pretty cool, too. Like texting, you have to tell Twitter who you want to get IM updates from.

The coolest thing about Twitter is how easily you can mold it into whatever you want. I want to use it to talk to my friends, to share in-the-moment thoughts, to network and to get news and information. I love it now, but the more friends and family I get on it (hint), the better it will be.

Sign up today! If you don’t like this service, you’re doing it wrong.

One more thing: don’t forget to use the “reply” feature when using Twitter.

Randomness from Colorado

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Mike and I went to PJ’s Bistro in Manitou Springs for lunch Friday. The food was good, but the place was empty. They advertised catering services and had no fountain drinks on tap, so they must specialize in catering. Mike’s $2 can of Coke seemed to disappoint from where I was sitting. Our waitress was some variety of European.

A restaurant with no coke on tap

I would brake on a yellow light if this stoplight was in my neighborhood.

I wish this stoplight was in my neighborhood

A Colorado Springs karaoke bar called Good Company had “Pajama Night.” They encouraged customers to wear pajamas to the bar for prizes. We weren’t aware of this contest on the way in. In fact, I’m pretty sure the waitresses are the only ones who got the memo. This wasn’t a bad thing. Most of the patrons really wouldn’t be that fun to see in pajamas. The waitresses played their part nicely. Sports Bra Girl and Ridiculous Boob Girl get extra nods. Four bouncers were working. We didn’t hang around long enough to find out why this bar needed so much security. Maybe fists fly when someone butchers a Eurythmics song.

We went to Denver Saturday night and caught a Rockies game. We avoided this entrance.

We didn't try this entrance

A lot of sweat and tears went into this “Beat LA” sign.

How long did that take you?

Five of us went to the game. The other four made fun of me for taking a picture of the sun setting over the Rockies.

Pretty

After the game, we hit three different bars in the area. Herb’s was my favorite. They had a badass jazz band playing.

After that, we got a ride home from a scary freelance cab driver.

The end.

My drive to Colorado

Posted on by Matt Stooks

My drive to Colorado had all kinds of exceptional sights.

1. A portable crapper strapped to a truck

Keep your distance

I didn’t have much confidence in the strap holding this porta-pottie. I quickly moved into a different lane and passed with vigor. I didn’t want to pick human waste off the front of my car before I even got out of Kansas City.

2. Porn and guilt

On the way to the Lion's Den porn shop

The billboard “Adult Superstore” directs you off the highway to the famous “Lion’s Den.”

As you leave, the next billboard makes you think of the baby Jesus when you pop your new DVD/sex toy into your DVD player/orifice.

As you leave Lion's Den

3. Cows

Lots of cows

I didn’t fully appreciate these cows until the following four hours of tumbleweeds and lifelessness.

4. Stuckey’s

The 3rd closed Stucky's of the trip

I saw three abandoned Stuckey’s gas stations during my drive. These gas station/Dairy Queen hybrids went downhill when gas went above $2. I’m guessing it’s because they all had giant price signs with a fat, unchangeable “1” in the first price position. The owner didn’t want to pony up for a new sign, so they said “screw it” and went out of business instead. Seems like a reasonable guess to me.

5. Windmills

I like windmills

I was a little too fascinated with this giant Kansas wind farm. I could see hundreds of these things from the highway.

6. Fanciest McDonald’s ever

Fanciest McDonald's ever

I needed a one dollar double cheeseburger, so I pulled off the highway in Hays, Kansas. This was the classiest McDonald’s I’ve ever seen. They had couches, a fireplace and a more upscale PlayPlace than any of the other McDonald’s. Check it out next time you’re in Hays.

7. Cool clouds

Cool clouds

I thought these clouds looked cool until…

8. I can’t see

Sucky visibility on HWY 24 toward Colorado Springs

At one point on Highway 24 toward Colorado Springs, some moron school bus tried to pass another school bus by entering my lane. Figuring I couldn’t win this head-to-head battle, I pulled over to the shoulder until idiot school bus realized I had the right of way and moved back into the lane that wouldn’t kill me.

Overall, Kansas City to Colorado Springs has to be one of the most boring drives anywhere. Six hours of the trip is boring farm land. I’m more thankful for XM and mp3 than ever.

Obama paranoia

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’m sick of all the superdelegate talk.

Here’s a typical superdelegate Internet or TV conversation: If the superdelegates steal the nomination from Obama, it will destroy the Democratic Party.

It’s a fair argument, but this scenario won’t happen unless Obama and his pastor tag-team a 14-year-old at a polygamist compound.

Don’t worry paranoid Obama supporters, the only way he doesn’t get the nomination is if he absolutely falls apart in the next month.

Now shut up about superdelegates and move onto a different conversation.

Internet will kill the radio star

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’ve been playing around with Pandora for the last week or two. Pandora lets you create multiple Internet radio stations.

You start by entering an artist or song you like. Pandora will play similar artists and learn your tastes as you “Thumbs Up” or “Thumbs Down” songs. You can add more artists to your station to tweak the sound just the way you like. My station uses the following artists to create my stream: Billy Joel, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Mama Cass Elliot, Muddy Waters, Muse, REO Speedwagon, Stevie Wonder and The Beatles.

You can add friends to your Pandora and listen to their custom stations. They don’t play commercials, and if they ever do, I’m guessing they will be minimal.

The iPod is already doing its part to damage traditional radio, but once your car radio has Internet access, services like Pandora will simply annihilate local music radio stations. Why would I listen to a station based on mass-market research when I can create my own custom radio station based on me-market research?

Music radio is screwed. If you’re a fan of local talk radio, this is good news for you. They have to put something on those old FM frequencies.

Roller Derby at The American Royal

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I went to the Kansas City Roller Warriors Saturday night with Heather, Amanda and their Chris Cakes brethren. I haven’t attended too many odder things.

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Popping a squat?

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I’ve seen Roller Derby on TV before, but never in person.

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This guy needs to be available for rentals

I couldn’t make out any faces from where I was sitting, but I did get a favorable view when the roller girls made a certain turn. Unfortunately, the lights were too low for me to capture these moments for you.

Heather and Amanda took off with my camera for awhile. Here are the visual presents they left me.

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Can you spot the Chris Cakes guy?

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Anyone need to juice an orange?

The names of the roller girls were classic. Here are my favorites: Iron Lung #420, Ivana Clobber, Kancer Stiik, Missile Toes, Sassy B. Yatch, Hall Balls, Snot Rocket (she was a badass) and Princess Slay-Ya.

Hold onto your wrappers

Posted on by Matt Stooks

The Royals improved to 1-5 in games with me in attendance, thanks to Friday’s Buck Night game.

If you aren’t familiar, the Royals sell hot dogs, small sodas and peanuts for a dollar on Buck Nights.  Hot dog wrappers flew onto the field.

The grounds crew got to play “Janitor.”

Here are some loud jackasses that were too far away for me to get a great picture but close enough to be annoying as hell.

I ended up having several groups of friends at the game, so I moved seats often.  I made it down to the lower level in time for the Royals to score six runs in the eighth and close it out in the ninth.

Everyone was happy.

My curse on this team continues

Posted on by Matt Stooks

We got free tickets to the Royals doubleheader last night. Geoff, Kevin, Dan and I hung out in the parking lot for the first half of the first game before going inside.

My camera took a bit of a beating last night. After I took the above shot, I tried to take a timed shot off the convertible top of Dan’s Jeep instead of the hood. I wanted more stadium in the picture. The camera fell off as a car was pulling into the space next to us. It was about two inches away from getting crushed under a moving tire. The camera took another severe blow later, but I’ll wait for the relevant picture.

The four of us went through a twenty pack in the parking lot. This led to full bladders and moist pavement.

We were starving by the time we got inside. I opted for the Jumbo Pretzel. They put an obscene amount of salt on these pretzels. I had to scrape most of it off. Look how much ended up on my leg.

The kid in front of us was a little conflicted on who to cheer for. I’m guessing he would go home happy regardless of who won the games.

Notice how amazing our seats were?

My favorite vendor and Stephen Keaton (Michael Gross) lookalike was on patrol with overpriced beer.

Kevin and I got up to get slightly-less-expensive beers from the concession stand. When we returned, Sluggerrr was in our aisle. I was carrying two beers, so it was tough reaching for my camera. As I clutched both beers in my left arm, I threw my camera to Geoff to get pictures of us. I missed by about a row. The camera hit a seat and skidded on the pavement. That didn’t stop my camera from capturing our absolute glee at the sight of Sluggerrr.

Believe it or not, things got even better. One of those hotdog/t-shirt launch people threw us some bracelets sponsoring an important cause: Royals baseball.

I’m guessing they don’t usually shoot their wad of bracelets on three drunk guys sitting together. I think they had a hard time finding people in the seats.

Dan was gone while we got our bracelets. But his disappointment disappeared into a Polish sausage and Sheboygan mouth orgy.

The Royals lost both games. This makes them 0-5 in games with me in attendance. Buck Night tonight will be quite the scene. Hopefully I can get us a win this time.

Douche Usher at The K

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I went to my third Royals game of the year last night.  The Royals are 0-3 in games with me in attendance.  They’ve lost five in a row. Last night’s game was particularly rough.  Cleveland beat the Royals 15-1.

The good news is I have a douchebag usher to tell you about.

The Douche Usher was patrolling our area – one of the worst in the stadium.  He was easily the douchiest usher I’ve ever seen at The K in my 20+ years of going to Royals games.

He focused most of his attention along the railing, knowing that these seats rarely sell with less than 20 thousand fans in attendance.

Douche Usher, scanning the crowd for victims

Douche Usher walks to remove fans along the railing

More fans fall into Douche Usher’s trap

You can’t hide from Douche Usher – he will be the biggest prick of a cop someday

Douche Usher on his way to force girls on the right to put their feet down

Douche Usher fails to notice the left guy’s hilariously ugly shirt

Douche Usher stands idly by as a giant beer vendor blocks my view

Damn you, Douche Usher.

Milk dilemma (Updated)

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I have a difficult time parting with expired milk. I have about two glasses worth of milk that expired four days ago.

Usually, I notice the expiration date approaching and will finish the gallon no later than two days after expiration. I’ve never known this two-day-expired milk to taste/digest questionably.

I should have seen this coming. I bought a new gallon of milk when it wasn’t due in my milk cycle. I was at the store for a non-milk purchase and cringed at the thought of coming back a few days later for a fresher gallon. No way would I go to the grocery store twice in one week. I had to buy the milk. I would just have to tweak my milk habits to make up for the extra milk on hand.

Early in the new gallon, I told myself that I had plenty of time before I would need to start doubling my milk intake. By the time a milk feast became necessary, I apparently forgot about the milk’s approaching demise.

So here I am with milk four days after its assured drinkability. It sounds troubling, but I am excited. Shall I drink the milk? I’m not thirsty for milk right now, but I will be. I will smell the milk and make a decision. Pray for me.

If this milk turns out fine, we need an explanation. Is the milk industry dating milk before it truly expires so we’ll go into expired-milk hysteria and chug more milk than we want just so Mr. Milk Fat Cat can buy another Mercedes?

I’m so torn on how I want this to turn out.

UPDATE: The milk smelled too filthy to drink.

Hawking downs KFC and Big Macs with his science

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Stephen Hawking, badass:

“If the human race is to continue for another million years, we will have to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Hawking compared people who don’t want to spend money on human space exploration to those who opposed the journey of Christopher Columbus in 1492.

“The discovery of the New World made a profound difference to the old. Just think we wouldn’t have had a Big Mac or KFC.”

I would pay almost as much to go into space as I would to see Hawking putting away a bucket of KFC.

Totino’s scary quality assurance

Posted on by Matt Stooks

From my blog in November:

Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli.

Tonight, when I loaded my supreme Totino’s Party Pizza into the oven, I noticed a change on the package.

Yes, Totino’s assures the quality of this fine 99-cent pie.  However, they implore you to “cook thoroughly.”   It’s almost as if they want you to take this step just in case there might be a certain fecal bacterium still swimming in your pepperonis.  Hmmmmm.

By the way, the Totino’s tasted especially good tonight.

Pope Watch!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I find this banner from washingtonpost.com a bit beyond stupid.

“Pope Watch” reminds me of this Onion article on Catholics lining up for Pope John Paul II’s funeral before he was even close to dying.

“I don’t know how much longer I’ll have to wait, but whether it’s five days or five months, it’ll be well worth it,” said Bruni from his position near the front of the queue. “This is going to be a funeral I’ll never forget.”

This pope visit is chock-full of fun nuggets.

Here’s one of my favorites:

Betsy Stabler…had expected Benedict to move slowly up the road in his special car but he zoomed by at normal traffic speed, she said.

“He went by really fast,” she said. “But I still saw him and it was really neat… He’s such a cute pope.”

Wow.  A cute pope?  She seems like she should be petting the pope while saying this.  “Oh, who’s a cute little pope?  Yes you are!  YES.  YOU.  ARE!”

In my opinion, Benedict would easily lose “Pope Idol” to Pope John Paul II, a much more precious of a pope, for sure.

The nonsense continues here:

One family with three children held up a banner declaring “We love you pope hope.”

I’m sorry, but “pope hope” is reserved for after President Barrack Obama achieves world peace, converts to Catholicism, becomes a priest, works his way up the ladder, and becomes pope.  Look for this to happen in about ten years from now.

The pope differs from Bush on war:

“Patient efforts of international diplomacy to resolve conflicts and promote progress”

Both of these guys are supposed to have direct lines to God.  This blatant contradiction proves one of them doesn’t have this connection.

Royals stuff

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Royals pitcher Brian Bannister shares AL Player of the Week with former Royal Raul Ibanez.

Bannister was the AL’s rookie of the month last year in June and August, but this is his first award as AL player of the week. He is 3-0 overall with an 0.86 ERA.

Posnanski reminds us of his hatred for the radar gun with his love of Brian Bannister.

There is a stat on Banny that I find absolutely incredible, and it’s not very advanced: Banny has pitched three games, faced 76 batters, and he has yet to give up an extra base hit. Not one double. I mean, that’s stunning.

Royals Authority on whether Joey Gathright deserves David DeJesus’ job:

At any rate, there are certainly two camps when it comes to Joey Gathright. One camp loves his speed and the excitement he can bring to a game. They might harken back to the days of Fred Patek, Amos Otis and Willie Wilson (among others), when the Royals ran wild on the basepaths. Heck, they might even remember fondly the days of Tom Goodwin and, if not too bitter, even Johnny Damon. They love Joey Gathright. If he played everyday, he might steal 80 bases.

The second camp winces at the thought of 650 Gathright plate appearances this year. They believe Joey’s complete lack of power is far more detrimental to the team than any gain he brings with his feet. He does not get on base enough, he does not work the count well enough. Simply put, Joey might not get regular duty on their weeknight softball team.

Extend your bedtime this week.  The Royals are on the West Coast and, except for a 5:40 game tomorrow, play at 9:00 every weekday (schedule here).  They’ll be back home next Tuesday through the following Sunday.

Someone needs to buy Lou Piniella a Redbull and Vodka (hat tip: Mellinger’s Blog).

“I’ve never had Red Bull in my life, but I’ve actually seen people at a bar order Red Bull and vodka,” Piniella said. “I can’t comprehend that. If I had a couple of those things, I’d be like the malt liquor bull (from the old TV commercials) leaving the bar. My lord.”

Check this commercial out, and you’ll agree we could all benefit from seeing Sweet Lou in this scene.

Back to the toilet

Posted on by Matt Stooks

The last week for this blog has been all about toilets, the Royals, toilets at Royals games, and today it’s about toilets at bars while watching the Royals. Unlike recent years, I’m not in a position to talk about the Royals being in the toilet, so that theme will thankfully have to wait.

We went to Corner Cocktail to watch a game last week. Check out the bathroom towel.

I have trust issues with this towel implementation. How much towel rotates through this thing? Do they ever wash it? Is there some kind of sanitizing solution in there?

One of the arguments in favor of this machine is that people will be using freshly cleansed hands on it.  I disagree. Half the guys who do wash their hands merely moisten their fingers, making their peen grease all that more transferable to the towel.

If this is the only option at a restroom, use your pants to dry.

That’s a frickin’ cold night in April

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We went to the Royals game Saturday night. It was cold. We tailgated three hours before the game.

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Highlights

– A very obese, yet not quite Mangino-sized, man tailgated 50 yards away. He wore navy blue sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt.

– We were at the game three hours early, yet didn’t get in early enough to get the free Billy Butler powder blue jersey (the first 20,000 fans beat us). This couple was among the losers who showed up to get their shirt and leave before the game began:

– I didn’t see anyone take their hat off for the national anthem. Sorry, America – it’s cold as balls out here.

– We stayed in our seats for the first half of the game before the freezing wind forced us to congregate on the concourse.

– It was my second game of the year. I want to get 20 games in this season. Eighteen more to go.

– Buy your beer at the concession stand. You get a 22-ounce beer for $6.75. A 16-ounce bottle sets you back $7 from one of the vendors who walks the stands. Do the math.

– One of the concession guys spent a good 30 seconds checking my ID. He told me I hid my age well. I told him he should see my liver.

– I saw some serious meth heads at the game. They walked past us and could hardly talk. I’ve never seen teeth worse than the meth mouths on these guys. Don’t do drugs.

– I talked to the Minnesota fans behind us. They traveled from Minnesota to watch the games on Saturday and Sunday. One of the girls in the group said they came mostly because Minnesota doesn’t have an outdoor stadium. They didn’t seem to mind the cold as much as everyone else. I see a ton of Twins fans every time we play them here. I would say a good number of them drive from Minnesota. Good baseball fans.

– Heather got jacked on a Bailey’s-coffee-hot cocoa mixture. We call that “teamwork.”

A deuce at The K

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I went to my first Royals game of the year tonight.  My goal for the year is 20 games, so if you’re in the KC metro and hankering for some Royals, hit me up.

It was a good time.

That new HD scoreboard is pretty sweet.  They throw lots of information up there.  It’ll take me awhile to learn exactly where to look on the thing for the right info.

My attention moved quickly from the game to the Chipotle brewing in my stomach.  I would need to drop a serious bomb in the public restroom at Kauffman Stadium.

Until the last couple of years, all of the men’s restrooms at Kauffman Stadium had troughs instead of urinals. We’d all line up like animals to relieve our bladders full of $7 beers.

I thought they had put urinals with dividers in all the men’s restrooms, but the one I ended up at still had the troughs.  An apparent side effect of the trough restroom is more men using the stalls to pee – the only way to prevent getting “sized up” at the trough.

There were two stalls, both occupied by pissers, in this restroom.  This spelled trouble.  Not only would I have to drop a deuce in here, I would have to stand and wait with a look of “I need to poo” on my face as other people walked to the troughs.

There’s nothing like wiping half-a-game’s worth of piss and a loogie (I hope that’s what it was) off the toilet seat while your bowels tremble in anticipation of sitting on it.  I feel dirty.  At least I got in there before the rain delay.

Can you spot the future “O” Face?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

From Reuters:

The image shows a pair of computerized ‘averaged’ facial photographs taken from real people’s pictures. According to the research, the face on the right is of someone who is more likely to be interested in a short-term sexual relationship whilst the one on the left is more likely to be interested in a long-term relationship.

Alright guys, looks like you have a fun weekend ahead of you.  Just memorize the “whore face,” strap on a rubber (maybe double bag this one) and enjoy the night.

Don’t confuse the cheap beer drinkers

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Natty Light redesigned its can last summer. Within the last month, the new Busch Light cans started showing up in my 30 packs. The result is unacceptable.

These cans are way too similar. The fonts are all set at the exact same angle, the amount of blue exposed at the top is almost identical, and they both taste like crappy beer. I’ve already had a few nights where I grabbed for someone else’s Busch when I was drinking Natty.

Worst of all, both beers are made by the same company. Could Anheuser-Busch use this packaging deception as a way to phase out Natty Light?

Connoisseurs of crap beer won’t sit for any of this.