Matt Stooks

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Excitement is growing even more than it was before. Has someone been taking the Enzyte plunge with Smiling Bob?

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Assuming that other people’s lives are totally under control while you’re a big mess is silly. See if you can transfer your mess to them, Federline style.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A cooler side of your personality prevails right now. Good for you. Don’t let minor altercations become much bigger under today’s celestial influences. Tomorrow’s celestial forecast is more in line with a beat down. Wait it out.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

‘What goes around comes around’ isn’t just a saying. If anything, it’s more like a rule to live by. What would you rather spread — contentment or anger? Happiness or irritation? It’s in your hands, especially now. Just don’t write a song; Timberlake already did that.

Stooks Proverb: Dead men tell no tales. Dead Mermaids have tails.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Some parties really want to get aggressive, but you don’t have to succumb to their combative tendencies. Give them one of your special brownies, their tone will change in no time.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

People from your past may rekindle old feelings. The million-dollar question is this: Do you want to create new memories with them? Make sure you don’t fall into old, bad habits. Remember how hard it was to explain your imaginary friends the last time?

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Personal needs demand that you rethink your schedule. Maybe it’s time to finally succumb to reading on the toilet. Doonesbury seems like a good natural laxative, anyway.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

With so many new goings-on around you at home and at work, it’s time to take extra-special care of yourself on multiple levels. The stars just aren’t sure what level armpit tickling falls into.

Stooks Proverb: True love never grows old; it just gets wrinkly and sloppy.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Blazing a new trail isn’t easy, but the effort will be worth it. People will know you’re a force to be reckoned with once you’ve completed your Hasselhoffro.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Trying to figure out what’s really going on in someone else’s head is a fool’s game, unless it’s Britney Spears’ head. That’s a challenging game for the whole family.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Take other people’s comments with a grain of salt, and you’ll be much better off. Nothing you sign up for now is set in stone. Luckily, the rule of Columbia House has come to an end.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Pay attention to how you’re allocating your energy these days. If it’s well spent, you’ll end up getting more done than you thought possible. If not, you’ll end up the youngest kid from Home Improvement.

Stooks Proverb: A miss is as good as a mile. And when you’re aiming at Louie Anderson’s ass, it’s all the more embarrassing.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Working with a certain coworker seems like it’s asking for trouble, but you know how making assumptions can cause trouble. The stars say if you restrict yourself to the task at hand, you might get more done than you’d hoped for, especially if the task is playing with Microsoft Paint.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Ignore any pressure you’re feeling (especially if it’s coming from yourself). Let any relevant parties know you’re not quite ready to make a move, but you will be soon. Then go somewhere peaceful to think. Check to see if there’s a Kevin Costner film playing somewhere.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Ambitious moves and power shifts on the job help put you in place for the brass ring. Your success is assured, especially when the powers-that-be get a look at all of your hard work. Who knows where you’ll go next? Maybe they’ll put you in charge of condom surveillance.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You have a judicious eye when it comes to evaluating the people in your life. While you clearly know how to size someone up, make sure they don’t feel manipulated before you do any maneuvering. Make sure they’re not aroused when maneuvering around them as well. That could spell disaster.

Stooks Proverb: There’s a black sheep in every flock. Kramer usually calls it names.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Defending yourself is a waste of time and energy, especially when you’re not the source of the problem. Focus on the task at hand. It’s been your turn in Jenga for like five minutes now.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Focus on bonding with your family. It’s time to heal issues from the past before you charge ahead with your current endeavors. Start with the time you walked in on your dad wearing a training bra while giving himself a pep talk about how “the girls” will move up to the big leagues one day.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Work and personal concerns are really on your mind, and you’re feeling the pressure. Oh, maybe it’s the Louie Anderson sitting on your chest.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Delay important emotional decisions until you’ve got a clearer, calmer head. It’ll take about five more hours for the Robitussin to wear off.

Stooks Proverb: The early bird gets the worm. Big Bird gets hives from worms, so he’s cool with sleeping in with his arm draped over Snuffy’s hairy chest.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Being a party animal takes a backseat to a more contemplative mood. With the stars in their most insightful mood, you can see what was clouded by a fog before: Louie Anderson’s backside.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You don’t need to send out a detailed report about your latest goings-on, even if people are asking questions. They can wait for the family Christmas card like everyone else.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Love can be a puzzle. Check in with your heart to get the rest of the pieces. Or just jam a piece in that obviously doesn’t fit. Then, call it “done.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Love walks right in and changes your point of view. It’s much harder to watch TV while doing the dishes, isn’t it?

Stooks Proverb: To err is human. That’s why Spock was such a cocky jerk.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

There’s a lot to look forward to, especially with the stars’ benevolent rays beaming on your social calendar. Friday: try out that new melon baller!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Your friends just love talking to you, and it’s no wonder. You’ve been popping Altoids.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your romantic interest is giving you mixed signals: ‘Come closer, no wait — now go away.’ Oh, you’re playing the hokey pokey? Nevermind.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You want things to go one way, but a loved one has different ideas about what should happen next. Decisions, decisions. It happens every time you try to make a Screech Smut Tribute Video.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t run with the hare and hunt with the hounds. Flip-flopping hasn’t been cool since John Kerry came in and dorked it all up.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A certain person you’re counting on may turn out to be flaky. Don’t worry, though — it’s just temporary. Tell them about Selsun Blue.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Wait until some of the extraneous noise dies down before you make a decision. What you hear could change your perspective on the situation and open up a world of options, especially if what you hear is Louie Anderson in the bathroom at Olive Garden.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It’s time to do some downsizing when it comes to your personal and professional life. Take control and strip away the nonessentials, starting with your Luke Perry bathmat.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

There’s such a thing as having too much attention to detail, especially when it comes to making decisions. Take a breath and make a choice: paper or plastic.

Stooks Proverb: The eyes are the window to the soul. Eye boogers are the dead insects smashed to the window.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The stars commend you for staying grounded and patient. Is it any wonder that your outward circumstances now match your inner attitude? Unfortunately, the carpet still doesn’t match the curtains.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Is the charm of this person or situation going to wear off in a few days? Yes, but their B.O. won’t. Smells like Goodcents.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Let your intuition guide you when it comes to expressing yourself — right now you’re so attuned with the greater forces that it’s almost uncanny. Show off that inner glow by going out for a night on the town. Don’t puke on your best friend’s cell phone this time. Speakerphone still doesn’t work right.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your warrior spirit is called to action, but in an unusual way. Only you could be so brave in the face of full body lice infestation.

Stooks Proverb: It takes two to tango, which isn’t as easy to remember as the number of people for a threesome.