From Newsweek Ms. Hilton Gets Serious. Please Stop Laughing. Rich girl. Party animal. Jailbird. America’s No. 1 heir-head wants to get out of the bimbo business. And here’s Paris’ “You can’t see it, but my legs aren’t wide open in this pose” pose. “Can I move now? My crabs are itchy.” She’s shooting a movie…
I went to Old Chicago for a couple of drinks tonight. I got busted in a “Do I know her?” stare. We were sitting at the bar, and a red head moved into my peripheral vision. I glanced over, and thought I might know her. So I kept staring, even narrowing my eyes to tighten…
Check out the losers on People’s Sexiest Fan Alive. Of course, the Red Sox fan is in first place. Here’s my write-in choice: Disqualified for choosing the Quaker Oats as his team By the way, I’ve been informed that Wilford Brimley could eventually infringe on Chuck Norris as most-used crutch for jokes. So you know,…
I got a couple of weird phone calls this morning. First, a woman called looking for Famous Dave’s. Ten minutes later, a man called, also looking for Famous Dave’s. I told both they had the wrong number. Then, I get a call from the dude’s number again. I was sitting at the DMV by this…
I went to the DMV to get my tags renewed today. My Corolla was registered in Riley County, and I needed to change it to Johnson, so there wasn’t much I could do to avoid a physical visit to the DMV. People who go to the DMV have problems. Don’t believe me? Then why is…
All this Goulet talk has me thinking about Lou Ferrigno. “I’m twice the size of Chris Benoit, and I never even killed a kitten!”
As of this writing, Robert Goulet lies heavily sedated in a Los Angeles hospital bed, awaiting a lung transplant to avoid a tragic demise at the age of 73. Yet America, thrilled with California wildfires and Marie Osmond fainting, looks the other way. By the way, I just can’t get over how ridiculous this whole…
I’m shocked at the free publicity for Taco Bell’s “Steal a Base, Steal a Taco” promotion (bold mine). There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series matchup since 1990. When the first base is stolen, the unit of Yum Brands Inc, will announce a Tuesday afternoon when consumers will be able…
Goddammit, pork chop, you burnt my tongue! Why you gotta smell so good to trick me into eating you before a proper blowing?
The Kansas City Star publishes many letters that make no sense. Here’s one, with my thoughts included: Rate your life To determine a proper medical treatment, you may be asked, “On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your pain?” With this information the doctor is better able to help. Where is my pain…
FDA warns Viagra tied to hearing loss Viagra and other impotence drugs are about to bear new warnings that users may experience sudden hearing loss. It’s not clear that the drugs truly trigger hearing loss, but the Food and Drug Administration decided Thursday to add a warning about the possible risk after counting 29 reports…
From the Chicago Tribune: About 7 percent of dog owners plan to purchase a Halloween costume for their pet this year, up from 4 percent in 2004. This number seems low. Animals don’t belong in costumes. I used to think dressing up babies in costumes was just as dumb, but at least they’ll grow up…
If you’ve ever gone to the gas station just to buy beef jerky, there’s something wrong with you. Cleave tear + Three foot beef stick = Sexy
We went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza to watch the MU and KU games yesterday. They have touchscreen computers in the booths. You can watch TV, play games or go online. It’s a pretty cool idea. Our particular computer was dicked, though. It wouldn’t let us select any of the options. They rebooted…
I hate online polls (see here and here). News broke this morning about the Royals hiring a new manager. So, they had to throw up an online poll. Sadly, Americans are suckers for polls. In an hour and a half, 700 people jumped at the opportunity to cast their meaningless vote. Screenshot. Clicking will get…
It’s been too long since I last blogged about karaoke. We went to The Red Balloon last night. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s one of Kansas City’s only bars with karaoke seven days a week. Surprisingly, the DJ was the only thing that bugged me about the place. He was in the early stages of growing…
Questionable jobs abound on craigslist, but you really have to appreciate scammers like this: TELL YOU WHAT WE DON’T DO No lotions, potions, vitamins, or discount Viagra… No leads to buy… No inventory to get stuck with… No friends and family to hit on… Just the best company, products in the industry… Come see how…
Well, a bunch of scientists decided to go read some Neanderthal DNA, and totally ruin all our fun. Neanderthals, an archaic human species that dominated Europe until the arrival of modern humans some 45,000 years ago, possessed a critical gene known to underlie speech, according to DNA evidence retrieved from two individuals excavated from El…
Chris Casey called the Skype line yesterday and we caught a little magic for a podcast. In eight-and-a-half minutes, we covered topics including: old people, having a heart attack vs crapping yourself, Matt Lauer, the government, and Britney’s vagina reappearing. After you’re done listening to that, enjoy 20 seconds of brilliance in Chris’ “Manu Ginobili:…
I went to Tomfooleries for happy hour last night. The food was great, the drink specials were on target, but the bathroom situation was a little disconcerting. We sat in the fairly new upstairs area, which probably seats about 100 people, maybe more. One unisex toilet was in place to serve this area. The unisex…
I just got done watching Matt Lauer interview Larry Craig. I don’t think Larry really won too many points with the interview, but he didn’t really hurt his case either. Matt tried to put his “I’m a legitimate newsman” face on, but it just didn’t take. You could tell he was trying to catch Larry…
Big news: Hardee’s is still in business. Every couple of years, Hardee’s introduces a filthy food item to generate some press coverage and remind the world (or the part of the world that isn’t Carl’s Jr.) that they still exist. Hardee’s on Monday rolled out its new Country Breakfast Burrito — two egg omelets filled…
There are a number of ways people come to mattstooks.com. Most visitors have the site bookmarked, some come over from my MySpace, Facebook or YouTube pages. A few people come to the website through web search. Check out the breakdown of search strings that have brought people to the site this month. My personal favorites…
Do you ever pick your nose successfully, only to retrieve a bare finger from your nostril? Many times, the boog falls harmlessly to the ground. Other times, it sets up camp on your shirt. You just hope to death it isn’t hiding on your face somewhere. Pretty scary stuff, and it always happens when you…
Thanks to media portrayals of Kansas, I now hate The Wizard of Oz. I was watching the K-State-Colorado game this weekend, and the broadcast relied heavily on The Wizard of Oz for its “about town” footage. I would’ve preferred footage of Manhattan’s Applebees, that’s how much I’m sick of the Wiz. Apparently, we haven’t done…
I’ve seen this “Dancer Test” a couple different places over the last week, and thought I’d share it with you in case you missed it. You’re supposed to look at the dancer spinning. Some people see her turning clockwise, and others see her turning counterclockwise. How you interpret her supposedly tells whether you’re right-brained or…
Today is Blog Action Day, where bloggers unite to spread the word on the environment. This is my contribution. If you believe extraterrestrial beings visit the Earth with any regularity, you bear more of the responsibility for keeping the planet clean. The Earth is your home. If you have people coming over to your house,…
The only thing worse than hearing Mitch Holthus call Larry Johnson “The Centaur” is KC Star sports hack Jeffrey Flanagan quoting Mitch calling Larry “The Centaur.” Every Monday, Flanaboner will print sound bytes from the Chiefs’ TV and radio broadcasts. Today’s was especially annoying. “And he got his centaur tail up the field.” | Holthus,…
If you have some lead-infused Chinese toys lying around the house, I’m thinking we should all get together and have another “Lick and paint with Bob Ross” party. I’ve got some G.I. Joes in my parents’ basement that will get me and at least five other people completely Schiavo-faced. First come, first served. Call dibs…
Wow, Dane Cook backlash is in full force. I appreciated Dane Cook’s humor for a couple of hours once. Then, it looked like he ripped off material, did a movie with Jessica Simpson, and cut some horrifyingly bad promos for the Major League Baseball Playoffs. Farewell, Dane. We hardly knew ye.