Matt Stooks

Emmy Stuff!

Nice! 24 won Best Drama and Kiefer finally won Best Actor.

I think the “Best Miniseries” category exists only to get the likes of Gillian Anderson out of whatever hole she’s been residing in. She didn’t look bad, either. She also didn’t win.

Check out this awkward exhange between Ryan Seacrest and Leah Remini (Stacey Carosi) on the Red Carpet at the Emmy’s. Somehow she’s friends with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus had the most panicked speech, for her random “best actress in a comedy” win for The New Adventures of Old Christine.

Here was one of the more clever speaches of the night. It’s from a writer for My Name Is Earl. It all turns south when he tries to turn the “people I don’t want to thank” bit into a serious thank you.

Here’s the lamest speach of the night. It’s from a writer or something from Elizabeth I.

One of the more frightening moments was from another Elizabeth I contributor. Helen Mirren won for actress in a miniseries. She was wearing a long dress and apparently awkward shoes.

“My great triumph is not falling ass-over-tit coming up those stairs.”

Non-Emmy Stuff!

Kevin Federline scored a guest spot on CSI.

From USA Today:

Federline started filming this week in Los Angeles. He will play a menacing, arrogant teen who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) on a job.

It’s always the arrogant teen roles than launch actors into stardom. Case-in-point: Corey Feldman.

Matt LeBlanc’s getting sued for defamation.

Stephanie Stephens claims in a lawsuit that LeBlanc told an unspecified person last August that she was sexually aggressive, gave him a lap dance in a private room and engaged him in a “night of sexual debauchery … at her place of employment.”

I’m pretty sure she’s not the first person to think a sexual link to Matt LeBlanc is not a good thing.

Rob Reiner wants Mel Gibson to apologize for The Passion of the Christ. He thinks Mel made the movie anti-Semitic on purpose! Also, too much reading.

Someone used Oprah’s name in an investment scam. Oprah wasn’t involved. Her alibi: she was in bed with Gayle…I mean Stedman.

Angelina Jolie had an awkward moment waiting outside a party. Her dad, Jon Voight, was at the party. They haven’t talked in four years, when he said she needed mental help. Eventually, Brad went in the party himself, Jon left shortly after and Angelina was able to sneak in. Which pit do you think Brad made Jon smell until he left?

Paris Hilton has a good friend test: clothing.

“I’ll pick out two outfits, one which is disgusting and one nice and I’ll ask my ‘friend’ what they think. If they go for the revolting one, I cut them out of my life.”

With a revolting outfit being defined as one that could get Paris laid by only five guys in a night.

George Clooney is chasing an older lady: Ellen Barkin from the upcoming Ocean’s 13. He’s 45. She’s 51.

Jennifer Garner is showing signs of pregnancy, again. Ultrasounds show a child with a disgrace for a father.

60 acres of land burned around Neverland Ranch Friday. Luckily the Ranch, and the thousands of assorted DNA strands there weren’t damaged.

Marky Mark’s Invincible was number one this weekend. Snakes on a Plane fell to 6th place with just over $6 million.

Capricorn

It’s so satisfying to check off the items on your ‘to-do’ list until you reach the end. Don’t try to skip over the item about borrowing your grandpa’s weed eater to clean out your mother’s back hair.

Gemini

A tiny opportunity to be kind can lead to something big. Help a senior citizen go grocery shopping. Pick up trash in a local park. Manually remove Reginald’s lazy eye. It’s creeping everyone out.

Libra

Are your finances in good shape? If so, keep up the good work. If not, then it’s time to look at your budget and what you’re buying. Do you really need that custom Slip ‘N’ Slide with Pamela Anderson’s chest painted down the middle.

Pisces

Your hobby becomes so absorbing that you look for even more ways to make it a part of your regular, workaday life. Unfortunately doing manicures on severed arms might get the law on your back.

Stooks Proverb: Love is blind. You see, someone gauged its eyes out for wife-coveting in biblical times.

I was going through my cellphone last night and found four or five girls’ numbers that I never bothered calling. Mostly it was because they were obtained during a state of intoxication that I would need to reach again to have the guts to actually use the number.

We talked about the problems with exchanging phone numbers. My goal was to come up with some guidelines for the ladies and the guys to follow. I didn’t quite reach that goal.

“Haha! That assclown actually called! Let’s drink bottled water to celebrate!”

In other show activity…

A guy with a suspicious voice and cough calls to complain about a proposed smoking ban for Manhattan.

Hit me wit’ some knowledge!

Osama’s former sex slave showed up on MSNBC today.

Here’s a quick, creepy soundbyte.

I knew this was coming: the real reasons Tom Cruise isn’t with Paramount anymore. Mostly, it’s the fact that he made 20% of each film’s gross that cost him. But still, bonus points for being creepy.

Survivor’s latest gimmick? Dividing the teams by race. Black, White, Latino, and people who can stand Jeff Probst. In all seriousness, this is a really crappy way to get publicity.

Were there two Snakes in a Theater at a showing of Snakes on a Plane? A theater in Phoenix says it had two rattlesnakes. My BS meter says “BS” (what else?).

Superman star Brandon Routh is engaged. Anybody else think he won’t be in any other movies besides Superman sequels? I knew I wanted Nicholas Cage in that movie for a reason.

A new Adam Sandler movie is getting a pretty good cast. Dan Aykroyd and Steve Buscemi (try spelling those names five times fast) will help make I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry one of the ugliest movies ever. Interesting premise, though. It’s about two firefighters who pretend to be gay to get their departments domestic-partner benefits.

Katharine McPhee, who I didn’t know was a bulemic for five years, says she isn’t counting calories on the current American Idol tour. I wouldn’t either if I was picking corn out of the wrong side of my teeth.

Chris always criticizes me for using material from The Enquirer. But a legitimate news source is now naming the four cast members who will leave SNL: Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, with lesser for-suredness on Darrell Hammond. Congratulations to KC native Jason Sudeikis, who’s rumored to take over Weekend Update.

Here’s an interesting article that finds Venezuela is to Britney Spears what Germany is to David Hasselhoff: a place where people who’ve thrown their careers away can still make money.

Speaking of Brit & Co…her dad was seen dressing a la Federline.

Even more Brit news: Justin Timberlake’s mom still thinks she’s a good girl.

Paris Hilton, who’s sworn off sex for a year, has a guy living with her. It’s actually the guy who called Lindsay Lohan a “firecrotch” before he himself went into rehab. At least Paris isn’t changing her standards.

Aquarius

All eyes are on you thanks to your charisma. The fact that you have a Lion’s Den accessory attached to your forward might be part of the reason, too.

Cancer

Your instincts will lead you to some great victories right now, so get involved in any competitions now. Whether it’s a three-legged race, a surprise deadline at work, or a game of “throw the rock at the circus clown,” you’re in it to win.

Scorpio

The universe is responsive when you identify your genuine desires. The universe is kinky like that.

Aries

Bring your highest nature into all your day-to-day decisions. What you think of as mundane, earthly matters actually resonate on many, many different levels, including that unholy thing you do in the bathroom when no one’s around. No one should wash their hands that long.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. You can make it without breaking hobo skulls, so stop using that as an excuse.

Osama bin Laden is a big Whitney Houston fan. Follow that link and prepare for one of the weirdest stories ever. Apparently one of his former sex slaves has written an autobiography. She’s from America. So Osama kept asking her if she personally knew Whitney. She told him “no.” He went on to explain that he wanted to marry her and have Bobby Brown killed.

“How can you respect a man who leaves New Edition?”

Paris Hilton’s old, king-size bed is being auctioned off. Now that she’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Overrated Celebrity,” maybe they could test the bed to see if she had the “Most DNA in One Bed.”

Speaking of Paris…she really likes the CD she recorded and paid the Devil to make her sound decent on. “I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.” What a prostitute.

Another article that refers to Snakes on a Plane as “campy.” Here’s the definition, for the 1950’s vocab-deficient:

The deliberate and sophisticated use of kitsch, mawkish or corny themes and styles in art, clothing or conversation.

I can’t believe I missed Kevin Federline at the Teen Choice Awards. If I find the video, I’ll put it up, but you can read about his performance.

One of the guys from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle has been cast as a potential terrorist in 24. More importantly, the article points out the production of Harold and Kumar Go To Amsterdam. One warning: IMDB doesn’t list Neil Patrick Harris for the sequel.

Millions of people will be disappointed today after seeing Snakes on a Plane.

Far less will be disappointed by…

Snake on a Phone.

Snakes on a Plane influenced “Free for All Friday,” as well.

This guy isn’t happy about it at all.

“Bring it Sam Jackson!!!”

Other Free For All Friday Highlights…

This girl’s roommate popped a squat.

This guy explains why he has the hots for Owen Wilson.

Back to School Tips 2006.

Mel Gibson pleaded “No Contest” to his DUI case. He’ll be on probation for three years, go to a drug/alcohol education thing, and community service teaching teens how to take a mug shot photo.

“Freedom!!!!! From horrifying mug shots.”

Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson might be dating. Boring

Beyonce went on a maple syrup diet to lose weight. Her and Aunt Jemima have to be my favorite idea of a hot, lesbian couple.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock got married for the third time Thursday morning, this time in Nashville. They are probably having sex right now.

Ricky Martin is about to be named the Latin Recording Academy’s “Person of the Year.” His humanitarian work helped land him the award. He must’ve done some volunteer work at a soup kitchen serving soup…to himself.

It looks like J Lo and her ex won’t have to go to court over a book he wanted to write.

Justin Timberlake news all over the place today…

First, he says, his song “What goes around comes around” is not about Britney. He doesn’t have any ill feelings toward her now that she’s married to trash and has somehow become even trashier than her husband.

Second, check out what he said about Taylor Hicks.

“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket…If [Hicks] has any skeletons whatsoever, if God forbid, he’s gay, and if all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like [then JT takes on a thick southern accent], ‘Oh my god, I voted for a queer!’ It’s just too much pressure.”

Hours later, his publicist said his words were taken out of context…

“He has tremendous affection for Taylor Hicks’ success,” his publicist told The Associated Press on Thursday. “He would never say anything that personal about somebody he’s never met. He only wishes him the best.”

“And an awkward wave to you too, Mr. Timberlake.”

Capricorn

Figure out if there’s a purpose to a debate before you get started. It’s tempting to get involved in a battle of the wits, but be careful: That repartee could quickly descend to the level of ‘Did not!,’ ‘Did too! Did not! Did too! (shotgun blast)’

Gemini

It’s time to share what you know. With your charm, you can also persuade other, less forthcoming types to be equally generous with some much-needed information. Unfortunately your charm isn’t quite enough to avoid having to pay for, you know…services.

Libra

Your ability to negotiate everyone’s needs along with your own makes you the ideal go-between. You’re the acme of courtesy. Too bad you’re also the acne on a butt.

Pisces

Some flaky types in your workplace are infectious. You, however, can ward them off by inoculating yourself with a large dose of organization, or a rubber.

Stooks Proverb: It’s never too late to learn, unless you’re Wilford Brimley trying to learn the proper way to say “diabetes.”

“Diabeetis. Arrr! Arrr! Arrr! (seal bark)”

K-State’s Tyler Hughes was thrown off the basketball team for being a registered sex offender, or maybe for what he did to become one.

Either way, we went to the Kansas registered sex offenders site yesterday.

We were sucked in by the pure hilarity of the photos. I would put one of them up here, but I’ve been warned for more personal safety. Go for yourself and enjoy.

Either way, Chris was running tape during our viewing.

Here’s our reactions to the different photos.

It was on my summer reading list…

Speaking of molestation, it’s back-to-school time.

We talked about how evil we were back in our school days. Our listeners’ stories made me feel much better.

Segment 1 – Hooking kids on drugs
Segment 2 – Selling days off and giving Mad Cow
Segment 3 – Farm animals

We surprised New Salesguy Steve with a present for his kids going back to school.

Instead of hastily putting together what I can find for the Stooks Scoop three minutes before it goes on the air, I’ve decided to work on it a day in advance and put what I find here. Don’t worry, any late-breaking stories about Rosie sitting on it will still make the show.

Good lord, you have got to watch the Britney Spears video below. Or, at least read this for some of the highlights.. Here’s one little nugget for you:

“Have you ever seen ‘Back to the Future?'” she asks Federline.

“Is that possible, to time travel? … Yes, it is, Kevin,” she says. “I think people can do that.”

“Well, maybe. But they would never tell the world,” the enlightened Federline responds.

Britney’s whore friend Madonna could go to jail in Germany if she does he “shocking” on-stage crucifixion this weekend.

If it were 1989, someone in this country, with the exception of San Fran, might care.

In other “who gives a” news, Kate Hudson is getting a divorce.

Oh, no! A third Ace Ventura movie. And no Jim Carrey. Hey, it worked for Dumb and Dumberer. It’ll be about Ace’s son. I apologize in advance.

It looks like there could be an X-Men 4, in addition to Wolverine and Young Magneto.

They haven’t signed Hugh Jackman or Halle Berry. Hopefully the next one doesn’t blow as hard as the last one.

Having a kid has changed Ben Affleck’s life. Less time for crappy movie-making.

Laguna Beach is coming back. Wednesday (8/16) at 9:00. I’ll miss LC. Only because that is the best initial name I’ve ever heard of.

Did Dane Cook knock up Jessica Simpson? Warning: from The Enquirer.

Aquarius

When your dad calls with another set of instructions about how to change an oil filter, the temptation to roll your eyes is irresistible. Listen attentively and you may just learn something about your family…specifically, about your family’s questionable past in the organized car parts theft crime syndicate.

Cancer

Learn to shake off any little setbacks. Mistakes help you grow for the future. Your high standards have gotten you where you are today: sad, alone, and cynical toward every episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos: Tom Bergeron Edition. You’re still cool with the Saget version.

Scorpio

Do something new. Eat somewhere different for lunch. Try a gyro — a nice change from the usual burrito! Go a different way to the office break room. Who knew that there was a cute new hire in IT? Use the opposite sex’s bathroom’s sink to do your business. You get the idea.

Aries

Some friends bring out the very best in you. Other friends consistently leave you feeling like you’ve been run over by an SUV. Hmm — maybe it’s time to reconsider the relationships that fall in the latter category. Then, buy a knife.

Stooks Proverb: Every dog has his day. It’s definitely not the one where (“snip snip” sound effect). That’s Andy Dick’s day…for sifting through the garbage outside the vet’s office.

If you haven’t heard, BOTH Elimidate AND Blind Date are going off the air.

Roger Lodge, along with his assortment of V-necks and turtlenecks got me through my first couple years of college.

Elimidate renewed my faith in the genre, before a quick rendezvous with Cheaters ended my relationship with dating shows completely.

Goodbye Elimidate and Blind Date…we hardly knew ye.

Now, that’s a man who knows how to show off his neck!