Once or twice a year, I have to do the toilet paper shuffle. The latest incident was at my friend Tony's place in Chicago.

I noticed the short supply of toilet paper on the roll as I was completing my pinch. I conserved the paper as best I could, but was still one wipe short. I opened a cabinet within reach of the toilet, a likely location for toilet paper reserves. Nothing.

I turned to the toilet paper shuffle. Waddling around, pants at ankles, cabinet-to-cabinet, and ending at the closet. Tony doesn't keep his toilet paper reserves in his bathroom!

Luckily, he had some cotton balls. You can stretch out a cotton ball to about 1/4 the size of regulation ply. It was the essence of comfort, and no noticeable dingleberries resulted.

Labels: restrooms, toilet

Britney Spears has a messed up white Mercedes to go with the black one she used in a hit and run. She's having such a difficult time driving. Her brake keeps sticking to her vagina. Such a shame.

I only bring this up to remind you of the times when we went out of our way to pretend Britney had some talent. We didn't appreciate her like we should have.

It was much like the times when we used to thoroughly enjoy Michael Jackson and David Hasselhoff as non-unintentional-comedic entities, never anticipating the complete disasters of individuals they would inevitably become.

Do you even remember 1999-era Britney?

I'll take this opportunity to be the first person in three years to post an attractive picture of Britney.

Labels: stooks scoop

I've figured out what's wrong with technology. All the people who appreciate the laziness technology affords don't get off their asses to invent new stuff.

The only reason an automated Jetsons-like shower doesn't exist at this point is because all of us who think the process should be automated assume that some other lazy-ass will get the word out that this technology should exist.

In fact I heard that Joseph Barbera didn't die of natural causes at the age of 95, but from shock that the automated shower hadn't been invented yet.

Labels: random nonsense, tech

I've expressed my thoughts on tattoos before, but Channel 9's Crimestoppers has me thinking again.

(1:40 podcast mp3)

Labels: criminals, podcasts

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but NFL quarterbacks have ugly green dots on the back of their helmets this year.

Every helmet with a green dot has a headset inside. Only one headset is allowed on the offense at a time. With these fun dots, refs can make sure only one is on the field at any given time.

But that green dot is so lame. Here's what I propose instead:

Labels: sports, wtf

Don't mess with a cop who looks like he needs vacation.

Almost every time a cop shoots his gun or tases someone, he goes on "paid leave," a.k.a. vacation.

Obviously cops don't typically shoot or tase people just to get time off, but it makes you think.

Labels: police, random nonsense

Here's a narrated slide/video show I put together from our trip to Chicago.

Labels: videos

(1:55 podcast) I'm getting annoyed by a certain part of Michael Jackson's "Black or White."

Labels: music, podcasts, wtf

It was bad enough that Chiefs fans had to endure the sub-horrible announcing team of Matt Vasgersian and Jayice "J.C." Pearson for today's game against the Vikings.

Veteran KC Star sports hack Jeffrey Flanagan had to go and interview J.C. for this morning's column.

Why would you want to get perspective from the one guy we're going to pull our hair out listening to later the same day? And who cares what J.C. thinks, anyway? And I know sports fans everywhere have always wondered whether we should call Pearson "J.C." or "Jayice."

J.C.'s answer to that question doesn't even make sense:

“People don’t know my name around the country, and it’s probably easier just to go with J.C. And people probably look at ‘Jayice’ and say ‘How the heck do I pronounce that?’"

You're in broadcasting, jerkwad. How many people need to know how to pronounce your stupid-ass name? One. Your broadcast partner.

Flanagan then goes on to talk about some "folks" in St. Louis who want to break the Guinness record for the longest baseball game. Who cares?

I personally know 50 people more qualified to write Flanny's column for the Star. Yet, he's been there for ages. Terrible, terrible waste of space.

Labels: broadcasting, sports

I got burned last night by introducing myself to someone I'd met before.

Every once in awhile, I get the feeling I don't have the skills to succeed in society.

Labels: random nonsense

Hey, Internet!

Can I get a decent volume control over here?

90 percent of online video players have their volume sliders juiced all the way. Unfortunately, 50 percent of online videos have the volume set at some low-ass level. I need to be able to boost those levels, dumbasses!

Solution: keep the default volume where it is, but double the length of the volume slider so I can get some decent amplification. Must I explain everything?

Labels: annoyances, tech

My voice has been wrecked since Saturday morning before our trip to Chicago.

There's nothing like being in a new place, meeting new people and not being able to do the one thing I'm decent at: boring the hell out of them with my voice.

I've uploaded pictures from the trip here. Or enjoy the slideshow below (click on a photo for the description).



Once my voice returns, I plan to do a narrated slideshow with some video we caught mixed in. It should be a good waste of time.

Labels: photos

I was perusing my Facebook today when I stumbled upon this:

Labels: music, random nonsense

I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow morning for a little mini vacation from whatever it is I do.

My friend Kevin and I are visiting Tony, some jerk we know from high school. Factoid: Tony's nickname was Garden Hose in college.

Like any trip or major holiday, it looks like I'll have some kind of cold to battle.

Labels: random nonsense

Enjoy this video from a Britney Spears ally. Note: contains language not suitable for small children or a touchy workplace.

Labels: random nonsense, stooks scoop

I don't qualify for this Craig's List posting, so I thought you might want to know about it (bold mine).

Are you interested in becoming a Marvel Super Hero?

A leading staffing agency is currently looking for talent to portray a famous action hero for upcoming live appearances in leading retail stores all over the nation! We are looking for responsible, creative, funny, and smart MALES to portray our client’s characters. You must be between 5'10" to 6'3" tall, be physically fit and in shape to wear the spandex costume (spandex is not forgiving).

TO BE CONSIDERED YOU MUST:
-Include (2) current photos; at least one showing your body
-current stats (age, height, weight, waist size)
-CONTACT phone number
-WHICH CITY YOU ARE APPLYING TO WORK IN!!

LOCATION:
Kansas City, Missouri


Dates and Times:
Saturday, November 3rd
(10:00am-2:00pm)

Pay:
$80 for the Day

In no way could I get hired for this, but I'm feeling the need to send a shirtless picture in. More to come...

Labels: craigs list

(1:08) In this podcast, I address one of my biggest disappointments since returning to Kansas City.

Labels: podcasts, sports

"If you thought Superbad was funny the first time, just wait 'til you see it the second time."

I'm not trying to pick on Superbad, as I would like to see it, but I've had enough of this "If you thought (blank) was (blank) the first time, just wait 'til you see it the second time" type of advertising.

How are they making good on their promise of "wait 'til you see it the second time?" Are they adding hilarious scenes to the movie weeks after it comes out? Are they giving out prizes for second-time viewers? No. They do nothing. Unacceptable.

Here's how I propose fixing the problem:

"If you thought Superbad was funny the first time, just wait 'til you see it the second time. You see, you probably didn't notice that if you watch the movie like it's a Magic Eye, the movie morphs into a montage of midget clowns riding ponies and throwing whipped cream pies at each other."

Hello? Hollywood? Why isn't my phone ringing?

Labels: advertising, movies

This article's way too long to read, but I get the impression that it proves, once and for all, that endurance training makes you age quickly.

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: Endurance training is antithetical to anti-aging. So it amazes me when guys in their 40s and 50s who are training for a marathon or Ironman suggest that doing so will keep them young. It won’t. You may feel like a stud now with your shaved legs and your magic marker biceps tattoos, but endurance training speeds up the aging process almost as fast as watching TV, drinking sodas and eating potato chips. Actually, in some cases, it speeds it up even faster.

I didn't bother reading beyond this opening paragraph, or do any further research on my own, but there it is. On the Internet. Proof of what I've always hoped.

Fellow lazy asses: we're getting drunk, eating pizza, and smoking Marlboro Reds tonight.

Labels: health, random nonsense

From the KC Star's Letters to the Editor:

Overland Park is very close to changing its ordinance (PMV-2577) regarding parking and storage of RVs and boats...

Even though we will be grandfathered, it will be at a great financial burden to comply with the outrageous screening and side yard requirements.

Storage of RVs over 8 feet tall will not be allowed in the side yards any longer. Furthermore, screening to a height of 8 feet or more will be required on three sides of the RVs. Boats will not be allowed to be stored at all on the driveways and all open parts of boats must be covered with covers that are custom fit to the contours of the boat. The custom fit cover must be designed, manufactured and tailored to closely fit the body style and size group of the specific make, model and year of the item to be covered.

Stop being silly, upset Overland Park RV and Boat Owner. If you wanted to park your rusted-out boat and RV in your front yard with your '83 LeBaron on cinder blocks, you chose the wrong city to live in. Jeez.

On the other hand, I'd hate to further burden financially strapped RV and boat owners in Overland Park.

Labels: letters to the editor

(2:39) Soon-to-be-former Senator Larry Craig takes to the pod-o-verse to address claims on his sexuality.

Labels: Larry Craig Podcast, podcasts, politics

(2:18 podcast) Sailor Jerry kicked my ass into a world of embarrassment last week.

Labels: alcohol, podcasts

On my return trip from Big Lake, Missouri, I had the honor of discovering an interesting restroom configuration.

As you know, most gas station restrooms are filthy, especially when located off the Interstate. While this restroom was clean and tidy, someone made the curious choice of putting a carpet square under the urinal.

Labels: random nonsense, restrooms

My friends Kevin and Dan hosted a Slip N Slide party yesterday.

For the obstacle course, participants start by chugging a beer. Then, a variety of water hazards await as the contestants pick up three flags in this timed challenge.

Labels: sports, videos