Chris announced his departure from the show today. His last day will be Friday, December 22, when we break for Christmas. He’s headed to film school in Santa Barbara, California.
One of ours callers warns him about parachuting in Hawaii. Don’t worry, we’re confused, too (2:43).
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The situation seems pretty cut-and-dried to you, so you can’t understand why someone else is all tied up with ambiguities and alternatives. Maybe it’s time to get them tied up with rope and duct tape and thrown in the closet, instead.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’re positively a genius when it comes to allocating resources. Unfortunately, you’re positively a moron when it comes to eating spaghetti. Embarrassing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you have more than two choices, you’re often thrown for a loop. In fact, more than one choice is a little too much for you today! See if you can find a grownup to help you make a choice from the vending machine.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Those closest to you have really come to depend on your discerning viewpoint. When you’re done with them, they’ll kick themselves for not realizing on their own just how much better Bob Saget is than Dave Coulier.
Stooks Proverb: If you want something well done, do it yourself, especially if you’re a cannibal.
Nicole Richie could have to spend five days in jail for her DUI. This is her second offense. During her 2002 arrest, she told cops she had only eaten French Fries, took a shot of vodka, and poof! She blew a .13.
Cameras caught Paris Hilton’s with a powdery substance in her nose.
Federline also ended his MySpace friendship with J.R. Rotem, the guy who placed his tongue in Britney’s mouth. Meanwhile, J.R.’s trying to milk a little Federline perk action out of his makeout session. He tried to use his new fame to get into Hyde, a popular nightclub for celebrities. Denied. He’s keeping his hopes alive by “not denying” he’s Britney’s boyfriend.
Tom Cruise may be trying to trick J. Lo and Jim Carey into Scientology.
Tara Reid fell down outside a club in London. I hope she didn’t scrape off her renovated areoli.
A judge says the guy behind Girls Gone Wild has to be $1.6 million and do community service for using underage girls in his movies. The judge says he’ll downgrade the charges and lift his robe for a free t-shirt.
We got to talking about Christmas decorations this morning. Chris put his lights up at 2 a.m. today.
One listener’s mom had a frightening Santa in her collection (3:02).
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Whether you’re dealing with emotional or fiscal debts, it’s important to balance the books before too long, or you could experience a real psychic, and monetary, drain. Deal with the situation honestly. Or at least lie with your fingers crossed behind your back.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Maximize the possibilities by taking care of details in the here and now. Once you start taking these steps, then you can shift your focus to bending time and worrying about things in the past. Or you could choose to just saw the top of the Cheerleader’s head off and steal her brain and powers.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re in a playful, experimental mood. One moment you want chocolate ice cream, the next, butter rum pecan. But, beware: if you keep this up, taste bud overload is imminent.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re bubbly as a can of soda pop, so make sure you get out there and share your sparkling energy with everyone. Just don’t vomit on the curtains this time.
Stooks Proverb: Search knowledge though it be in
Nicole Richie has been spotted for the first time after her DUI arrest. She was leaving her boyfriend’s house. I think the paparazzi stood a little further back when she took off in her car this time.
Don’t worry, Nicole Richie won’t let the arrest hurt her career. At this point, her career could only get worsened by a necrophiliac.
Lindsay Lohan has been sober for a week. Maybe Nicole Richie raided her stash.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes dropped more than $300 on a tricycle for Suri. Are they expecting Scientology to age the baby several years to trike-riding level?
J.R. Rotem, the record producer Britney was slobbering on the other night, worked on Kevin Federline’s CD. Maybe it was a sympathy makeout. Meanwhile, he didn’t even tell his own dad that he made out with Britney Spears.
Kevin Federline’s friend on K-Fed’s new look: “He’s switched his look to ‘GQ.’ It’s just a new phase in his life. He really is just trying to walk a straight line. He’s doing the ‘GQ’ thing now everyday. It’s a great, great look for him. It’s not just something you’re going to see today and tomorrow — it’s going to be there for awhile.”
Angelina Jolie says she’d be willing to sit down and talk to Jennifer Aniston…probably to bitch about the predictability of the series finale of Friends.
Star Magazine is trying to find a new man for Jennifer. It’s about time someone did.
Danny DeVito says his drunkenness on The View was just an act. He says he was legitimately hungover, just not drunk.
Rosie O’Donnell is frightening for many reasons in this photo:
Unfortunately, Pauley Shore getting the ass beat off him on stage by a cop was just part of his act.
Just by walking in front of some cameras, Lara Flynn Boyle reminds Nicole Richie fans: I’m still frightening, too!
Today was one of the most random shows we’ve ever had. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and Chris is always lacking in sleep. Those two factors combined for an odd day.
“Seasons Greetings from a Stooks in the Morning Listener” (0:22)
“Home Alone is a logistical nightmare” (6:46)
“Nicole Richie’s high off her ass and heading right for me tips 2006” (0:30).
“Let’s Talk About This” Segment 1 (4:33).
“Let’s Talk About This” Segment 2 (3:11).
A frank discussion with Photoshop Adam (4:05).
Rodney hosts the midday show immediately after ours.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
A substantial benefit comes your way on the job, thanks to all your hard work. No one else can shake the Cheetos out of the vending machine with such grace. Except Power Hits 97.5 newsman Dewey Terrill.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Some people in your life have decided that you’re the go-to person for all their needs. That’s what you get for wearing the Wal-Mart “How may I help you?” vest around town.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You have a great need to be of service to others, but you can’t do so at the expense of all your resources. Save some of your permanent markers for later huffing. You’ll thank the stars when you satisfy that urge.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been feeling vulnerable and in need of protection from things that you perceive as dangerous. There’s a new invention called a condom.
Stooks Proverb: Beauty is only skin deep, so is Nicole Richie, but Paris Hilton is more in line with aluminum-baseball-bat deep.
Nicole Richie’s been arrested for DUI. She passed a breathalyser, but told police that she smoked pot and took Vicodin. I don’t know if I’d volunteer that information. She didn’t pull a Mel and go all Hitler on the police either. She was actually quite kind.
Here’s one of the 911 phone calls that led to her arrest. Tip: driving down the wrong side of the highway and then parking in the carpool lane will usually get you busted.
She nailed the mugshot, by the way:
Nicole’s DUI mentor, Paris Hilton, is not lesbians with Britney Spears. They just like dropping their panties in each other’s company.
Not only is Britney still straight, the Enquirer says she was at a club in L.A., making out with the guy who produced Rhianna’s song, “S.O.S.” His name is J.R. Already bad news.
George Clooney says he’s too old to get any woman he want. But a decrease in lesbians switching teams to have sex with him isn’t that big a drop off.
Busted! Keith Urban picked up Nicole Kidman from some type of support meeting. Maybe it was a MHAACSAMEITKHA meeting, also known as “My Husband’s An Alcoholic Country Singer, And My Ex Is Tapping Katie Holmes Anonymous” Meeting.
Kirstie Alley’s getting large again.
Courtney Love completed her probation. Her judge says he followed her progress in the media. Is that how they’re handling criminal prosecution now?
Kate Moss was photographed topless in Jamaica. You can follow the link to see her topless with a couple stars over key areas. I would just put the picture here, but I don’t have a thing for women with the body of a Michael Jackson molestation victim.
Leonardo DiCaprio traded in his Brazilian model girlfriend for an Israeli model. I’m guessing they have different “hairstyles,” if you catch my drift.
Porn Superstar Jenna Jameson is getting a divorce from Justin Sterling, her porn star husband. Wow, first Brad and Jennifer, now this.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Take this recent lesson to heart. You know you deserve to be center stage, but all the time? Not only is that impossible, but it’s not even desirable. Take the time to think it out, and you’ll see how very true this is. Your infant juggling career may come under fire if it becomes too popular.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone needs your help, but he or she is too proud and fragile to actually come out and ask for it. Be a humanitarian and do a little behind-the-scenes work on their behalf. Make sure to keep your identity a secret. Use a fun code name, like Kinkyracoon118.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your career and social success are strongly tied to how well you deal with others. Unfortunately, your second personality is holding you back. You really need to tell Saul to stop unziplocking other people’s snacks, causing them to slowly spoil throughout the day.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Finances have you more stressed out than usual. There’s a simple solution for a lot of your worries: Try spending less than you make, or spending someone else’s money altogether. Note: Louie Anderson is no longer a viable target for cash.
Stooks Proverb: The early bird gets the worm. But, your Aunt Mildred has that beat, because she has worms, plural.
Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was number one at the box office this weekend, with $14 million. Way to make a Jew-hater richer, everybody.
What has Britney started? Mischa Barton has joined Crotchfest 2006, sporting an open fly.
If there’s free booze, you’ll probably find Kevin Federline.
Paris Hilton spent the weekend with Stavros Niarchos.
Other random Paris news: she’s hanging out with her friends’ grandmas, now. Just pray grandma’s wearing underwear.
Lohan went out every night last week, but she’s still becoming slightly less alcoholic. She only had water to drink.
Wesley Snipes turned himself into federal authorities for tax fraud. He says he’s a scapegoat. For who?
Asian-Americans don’t get Rosie O’Donnell’s humor. She’s in trouble for saying Danny DeVito’s drunk ass made headlines in China that read “Ching chong, ching ching chong, Danny DeVito!”
Nicholas Cage is cutting back on acting. I thought he did that already. It was called “Con Air.”
Settle down, Beyonce isn’t 32. She’s still 25. I’m taking it as a hoax brought to us by the creators of “Tom Hanks fell off a cliff” and “Adam Sandler OD’d.” She didn’t marry Jay-Z this weekend, either.
Mariah Carey is trying to stop pornstar Mary Carey from trademarking the name “Mary Carey.” I’m confused, too.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Dare to dream! The current celestial energies say it’s time to go for it in a major way. Ask for that raise or pursue that cutie with all the zeal and fervor you can. Actually, make sure you monitor your zeal level. Last time, your zeal over Lou Diamond Phillips beating up his girlfriend was a little creepy.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Now that you’ve set some limits, it’s time to practice meeting your own requirements. Not only will this make you happier overall, but you’ll actually be prepared to give more. And it will come from a genuinely generous place: your neighbor’s
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Making everything a case of black or white cuts out a lot of creative potential in your life. There’s no reason everything has to be so extreme when it comes right down to it. Kramer.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The only limit is your imagination, so dream as big as you can. Put aside any and all self-criticism and let your mind roam. The one word that’s completely not allowed right now? Punctilious.
Stooks Proverb: He that fights and runs away lives to fight another day. He that fights and just sits there getting a beatdown usually hurts the next day.
Britney Spears acknowledges that everyone saw her vagina. “I probably did take my new found freedom too far…Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected…Thank God for Victoria’s Secrets’ new underwear line!” No mention of thanking God for her less-than-inviting cooter.
Lindsay Lohan is insane. From an email she sent to her friends: “Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me.” She also mentioned getting help from the Clintons. Here’s more: “I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see.” Al Gore’s reps make it look like he won’t be helping her, by the way.
Kevin Federline went to the launch party for “The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties,” and was even seen hitting up the authors for additional tips. I’m hoping the “concise” guide has some kind of pictorial aid for K-Fed.
Scary Spice says Eddie Murphy is indeed the baby daddy.
Want to be like Madonna, but don’t have the time or money to steal a child from Malawi? Don’t worry, she’s got a new clothing line coming out in March.
God dammit: “Lost” is moving an hour later when it comes back, to avoid going head-to-head American Idol.
Sylvester Stallone wants to do a movie about Edgar Allen Poe someday.
This morning, Chris noticed I was clean-shaven. I asked him if he thought I looked better with or without the beard. He refused to commit. We asked our listeners why straight guys have such a hard time commenting on how other straight guys look.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You know your actions were justified, but someone else may not see it that way. Acknowledge that you might have overstepped your bounds. But in the end, replacing someone’s subpar Bread and Butter pickles with the more acceptable Dill variety is just the right thing to do.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
While it may be difficult at first, speaking honestly to one another and putting aside any impulse to wound or hurt is the only thing that can help heal this rift. If the conversation goes south, go ahead and go back to wound-inflicting mode. Start with a Charlie Horse and work your way up.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s easy to get lost in an emotional haze so confusing that even making it to appointments on time can be a challenge. Maybe it’s time to switch to non-toxic crayons.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A series of highs and lows could give you emotional whiplash. Rather than ignoring them, listen to what they’re saying. A deep inner truth is ready to emerge: time to get the Patrick Swayze posters out of storage.
Stooks Proverb: Finders keepers, losers weepers, Angela Lansbury delivers the creepers.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a post-wedding party in L.A. this weekend, for those who couldn’t make the real wedding. No word yet on whether Oprah will show up and drop the “n” word.
Child Services is not investigating Britney for partying.
Kevin Federline’s divorce lawyer’s publicist has issued a press release inviting different media outlets to talk to Kevin while he eats. Kevin is “taking it all in stride.”
Paris Hilton is the only actor signed on for “The Hottie and the Nottie.” I’m sure that will be quality entertainment.
Lance Bass has not broken up with his boyfriend. And they don’t have an “open relationship.” From Lance’s MySpace: “What the hell does that mean anyway? I mean I think I know what that means…and if it is…then the answer is def NO!”
A friend of mine has a stalker ex-girlfriend thanks to his use of the phrase “we can still be friends” during the breakup.
Should this highly used line be retired?
In other show activity…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Right now you’re an expert in body language and hidden emotions…Much better than last week, when you were an expert in body fluid stain removal.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Ignoring a communication stalemate won’t make it go away, though that course of action might be your first instinct. A deeper issue is lingering and upsetting you both. It’s time to express what’s been left unsaid: “Go, go, Power Rangers.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Let’s face it — surprise gifts in the mail are nice, but they usually turn out to be the wrong size or the wrong color. Follow Madonna’s lead, and go directly to the orphanage to pick one out for yourself.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Hindsight isn’t always 20-20. Sometimes it’s Dateline NBC, especially with all your questionable activity on MySpace.
Stooks Proverb: Spare the rod and spoil the child. In other words, beat the hell out of every kid you see.
UPDATE: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are breaking up.
Britney Spears may have backed out of the Billboard Music Awards after learning about a K-Fed skit.
A successful New York plastic surgeon is offering a free tummy tuck and cosmetic surgery to Britney Spears. Seems he was disappointed by the photos, too.
Paris Hilton got locked out of her own house when her security system wouldn’t unlock. She got in her car and put on makeup until someone opened the gate.
The other day, Gayle King said some of her friends used the “n” word. Now, she’s clarifying that neither Oprah, Stedman or Maya Angelou use the word.
Madonna’s husband doesn’t seem to like the idea of adopting another kid just yet. After telling Madonna this, she replied, “what’s your name again?”
Beyonce and Jay-Z might get married this weekend. He might retire if he thinks about it while he’s up and around.
Jackie Chan hurt his chest on the set of Rush Hour 3. He aggravated a previous injury after he got hit with a steal-reinforced wooden table. He’s 52. He says he’ll be okay.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Some timid types may be in charge of making big decisions right now, so bring out that offbeat, quirky charm of yours. That, combined with the cool logic of your choices, will have them on your side in no time. If that doesn’t work, try threatening them with a cheese grater.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Could you choose a new way to deal with a situation you’ve seen in your life before? This time, try using Valtrex instead of sand paper.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Clear communication is one of your desired goals, but so much is going on that it’s easy to forget what the main message should be: Louie Anderson should still be hosting Family Feud.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Watch out — foot-in-mouth disease is catching. Safeguard yourself: clean out those toe crevices quickly.
Paris Hilton is teaching Britney Spears how to work a stripper pole. They’re practicing on the pole at Paris’ house. And the maid just bought another drum of disinfectant.
Paris has been spotted with her ex, Stavros Niarchos. She’s even wearing a locket that has pictures of the two of them together.
Some body part of Jessica Simpson’s popped out at the recording of the Kennedy Center Honors. She ran, crying offstage. Only audience members got to see the boob, as the show is pre-taped and edited for broadcast the day after Christmas.
George Clooney’s 300-pound pet pig, Max, is dead. His bulldog died earlier this year. Are humans next to fall at the hands of Clooney?
Eddie Murphy wanders if he is the real baby daddy of Scary Spice’s coming child.
Larry King, upset the Santa was on a lunch break when he brought his kid:
At about the halfway point in our 7-mile Joggermeister Pub “Jog,” we encountered some cracked-out woman at Kelly’s in Westport, a thriving, yet sometimes rough bar district in Kansas City.
One of the girls said they even saw her snorting something in the bathroom. One of the guys in our group waved her over to our table for everyone’s mutual amusement. He asked for her phone number. She said “I don’t have a phone. I live on the streets.” While we had fun as a result of her company, she had fun, too.
Is it okay to make fun of some cracked-out homeless lady if she doesn’t realize she’s a joke, and she even has fun at the same time?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Even if you’re at a loss, look inward for the guidance you need to get you through this current issue. Damn, Highlights Magazine is challenging reading.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Some information you’re missing is vital to your next enterprise, so don’t jump into a situation before you have the 411. Then, dial 10-10-220. I think those guys are getting lonesome.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You figure out the missing ingredient you need to bring a long-term goal home to rest at last. Make sure you write it down! That’s a-r-s-e-n-i-c, arsenic!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your instincts are saying one thing, but your insecurities are making you doubt what you’re hearing. Heed what your heart and gut tell you. Actually, don’t listen to your gut, you just ate Taco Bell Bean Burrito.
Stooks Proverb: He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by O.J. is sick of hearing hypotheticals over the fence.
Britney Spears turned 25 Saturday. During the day, she went to the zoo with Sean Preston. She went to dinner with some friends, one of whom gave her panties as a gift. Then, she met up with Paris Hilton at Hyde, a club so exclusive that even Jodie “Stephanie from Full House” Sweetin gets denied at the door.
Britney’s first ex, Jason Alexander, and K-Fed’s ex, Shar Jackson have taped Monday’s episode of The Dr. Ablow Show. He says Britney threatened him after their split: “Don’t say anything you’d regret.” So, he waited a couple years and “oh snap”-ed her on The Dr. Ablow Show in from of a worldwide audience of ten people! A-hole.
Justin Timberlake and Britney were at the same club the other night. Both had their panties on.
George Clooney partying with Britney? George says “no.” Probably because she doesn’t look as good as Danny DeVito below the waist.
Kevin Federline is pitching a reality show to the producers of E’s “House of Carters.” That seems about right.
Paris Hilton canceled her appearance at the Billboard Awards Monday night because of her joke material. She thought some of the jokes would be hurtful to her friends. What could the writers possibly have had prepared on Britney, Lohan or Nicole? It’s not like Britney’s vagina has been flopping out, Lindsay Lohan’s going to AA and Nicole Richie is walking death, or anything.
By the way, Lohan’s mom outed Lindsay’s AA experience to Ryan Seacrest. Don’t worry about a boozeless Lohan, though. Her publicist says “And, by the way, she’s not saying…she’ll stop drinking tomorrow. I’m confused.
The Enquirer says Nicole Richie got a boob job. I’m guessing Santa wishes she had ass implants too, as she sat on his lap for a photo, possibly coming close to severing St. Nick’s leg at the thigh.
Michael Richards agreed to apologize in person to the black guys he went crazy on. They have a celebrity lawyer, so Ben Franklin may be doing the majority of the apologizing.
Is Oprah trying to screw subscribers to “O?” That’s what one subscriber thinks, as she sued the magazine for double-billing her subscription, and threatening her with a bad credit rating if she didn’t pay up. At least they didn’t unleash Steadman on her.
Oprah’s new gardening expert was unveiled last week, but she neglected to mention his past as a male stripper at the Australian equivalent of Chippendales.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Classic business advice says to cut out the middleman, and this applies to all areas of your life right now. You’ll save time, money and stress when you tackle certain tasks yourself. Except for polar bear Slip ‘N’ Sliding, your best off being a spectator for that.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Challenging authority may make you feel powerful, but you could end up in a heated argument over issues that you ultimately see as trivial. But someone needs to take a moral stand on quality tartar sauce.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you have a problem, speak up. When you can identify areas in your life that aren’t working, you’ll be on the right track. You might also want a mental health professional close by.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your abilities are almost superhuman. The only problem is that some parasitic types think that means they can lean on you to clean up their messes. Show them the way, but don’t perform their tasks for them. Just because you know the best way to get cat urine off an afghan doesn’t mean you should be doing it for them.
Stooks Proverb: Man grows most tired while standing still. Kate Moss grows most tired when she gets all the coke out of her system.
Britney’s pantie-less tirade has scared anyone decent from hanging out with her. In fact, she’s resorted to dating Brandon Davis, the guy only famous for calling Lohan a firecrotch.
Suspicious: Britney Spears went to the pharmacy twice Wednesday morning. Pregnancy test? Other health problems? Rotten vagina?
Some respectable news sources are asking psychologists to weigh in on Britney’s pantie problem. “When you’re in a marriage and you’re controlled by a lot of people, you repress your personality. When all of that breaks loose, it’s like the hinges come off the door.”
50 Cent says Oprah “started out with black women’s views but has been catering to middle-aged white American women for so long that she’s become one herself.”
50 might want to think the same thing about Tony Danza. Danza’s returning to Broadway to star in The Producers.
Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are engaged.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards’ divorce is finally official. That’ll free up more time for Denise to throw laptops at old women in wheelchairs.
The Enquirer says Nicole Kidman has put Keith Urban on a “short leash.” “Nicole is standing by Keith, but with one big proviso — he has to dump his drinking and drugging buddies.”
