Matt Stooks

The Hip Hop community hasn’t had good things to say about Kevin Federline’s performance at the Teen Choice Awards. K-Fed is happy with the job he did, though.

“I’m happy. I think I pulled it off pretty well. (But) I’m overly critical of myself. We went straight from there and jumped in the Ferrari and took off. (Britney) was happy, she was proud. My whole family and everybody was there.”

Brit was probably happy to just get his face out of the Pringles can for a night.

Speaking of the Spears family, there’s some controversy in Japan over a Harper’s Bazzar advertisement. That magazine wanted to advertise for the issue below by blowing up the cover and putting it at subway stations in Tokyo.

At first, they weren’t going to allow it. Then, they decided it didn’t qualify as pornography since no one could possibly get turned on by it.

Britney news all over the place again. For some reason, Jessica Simpson approached Britney backstage at the Teen Choice Awards and asked if she could kiss her pregnant stomach. Just barely edging out Jessica Simpson in the intelligence department, Britney said “hell no!”

Nick Lachey is selling a whole bunch of Jessica stuff on eBay. He doesn’t want it around the house when he’s servicing his assortment of women.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan’s feud continues. SpoofCard.com allows users to change how their information shows up on other people’s Caller ID displays. It looks like this is how Paris hacked into Lindsay’s voicemail.

If Scrubs gets renewed for another season, Zach Braff probably won’t be on it. Just FYI.

Jerry Rice thinks that since he was on Dancing with the Stars, he should have his own reality show. The Underdog would be about Jerry Rice helping out various downtrodden people. Maybe he could start out with Dancing with the Stars victor Drew Lachey.

Star Magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s mom don’t get along. Apparently his mom has a thing about putting your lips up on the couch.

Like finding out your favorite baseball player is on steroids, there’s nothing worse than finding that your favorite model is a cheater. Cindy Crawford admits she’s used Botox!

I was going through my cellphone last night and found four or five girls’ numbers that I never bothered calling. Mostly it was because they were obtained during a state of intoxication that I would need to reach again to have the guts to actually use the number.

We talked about the problems with exchanging phone numbers. My goal was to come up with some guidelines for the ladies and the guys to follow. I didn’t quite reach that goal.

“Haha! That assclown actually called! Let’s drink bottled water to celebrate!”

In other show activity…

A guy with a suspicious voice and cough calls to complain about a proposed smoking ban for Manhattan.

Hit me wit’ some knowledge!

Leo

Financial decisions are best put off until cooler heads can prevail. A big-ticket purchase isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, so wait before you put your money into Mark Mangino’s circulatory system.

Sagittarius

Usually you’re the definition of acceptance, but some celestial influences might release your inner critic. But be gentle when you let your loved one know that their Carrot Top impersonation gets No Stashes. Clean Shaven.

Taurus

You can be a highly organized strategist when you need to be. You know just how to calculate the odds, especially when it’s all for a good cause: The “Using George Hamilton’s Face to Make Catcher’s Mitts for the Homeless” Association.

Virgo

Financial matters take precedence right now. Reexamine your budget and see if there are even more ways to save. Once you start, you’ll actually enjoy this kind of activity. Everyone else will think you’re lame, though.

Stooks Proverb: Keep your eye on the ball, unless you’re next to Lance Armstrong in the restroom. That could get you a punch in the face.

Osama’s former sex slave showed up on MSNBC today.

Here’s a quick, creepy soundbyte.

I knew this was coming: the real reasons Tom Cruise isn’t with Paramount anymore. Mostly, it’s the fact that he made 20% of each film’s gross that cost him. But still, bonus points for being creepy.

Survivor’s latest gimmick? Dividing the teams by race. Black, White, Latino, and people who can stand Jeff Probst. In all seriousness, this is a really crappy way to get publicity.

Were there two Snakes in a Theater at a showing of Snakes on a Plane? A theater in Phoenix says it had two rattlesnakes. My BS meter says “BS” (what else?).

Superman star Brandon Routh is engaged. Anybody else think he won’t be in any other movies besides Superman sequels? I knew I wanted Nicholas Cage in that movie for a reason.

A new Adam Sandler movie is getting a pretty good cast. Dan Aykroyd and Steve Buscemi (try spelling those names five times fast) will help make I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry one of the ugliest movies ever. Interesting premise, though. It’s about two firefighters who pretend to be gay to get their departments domestic-partner benefits.

Katharine McPhee, who I didn’t know was a bulemic for five years, says she isn’t counting calories on the current American Idol tour. I wouldn’t either if I was picking corn out of the wrong side of my teeth.

Chris always criticizes me for using material from The Enquirer. But a legitimate news source is now naming the four cast members who will leave SNL: Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, with lesser for-suredness on Darrell Hammond. Congratulations to KC native Jason Sudeikis, who’s rumored to take over Weekend Update.

Here’s an interesting article that finds Venezuela is to Britney Spears what Germany is to David Hasselhoff: a place where people who’ve thrown their careers away can still make money.

Speaking of Brit & Co…her dad was seen dressing a la Federline.

Even more Brit news: Justin Timberlake’s mom still thinks she’s a good girl.

Paris Hilton, who’s sworn off sex for a year, has a guy living with her. It’s actually the guy who called Lindsay Lohan a “firecrotch” before he himself went into rehab. At least Paris isn’t changing her standards.

It’s nice to be back in the studio after a couple days on campus.

We missed our callers and air conditioning.

When I got back home after our broadcast yesterday, one of those door-to-door magazine salesmen who’s pitch starts with “can I get your vote” came to my door. He had some severe “meth mouth” working, too.

Segment 1 – A solution
Segment 2 – That guy hit me up, too!
Segment 3 – His friend calls the show?

Everyone wished Gomer had something in his teeth…

The Old Woman called in because she was upset at our “maybe she was high” response to the following piece of mail I got in my MySpace. Note the name of the sender.

From: Butt Dart
Date: Aug 19, 2006 4:28 PM

I have to take a big s*#@…… yeah that’s about it… talk to you later grandma….. tell molly she’s an awesome cat.

Aquarius

All eyes are on you thanks to your charisma. The fact that you have a Lion’s Den accessory attached to your forward might be part of the reason, too.

Cancer

Your instincts will lead you to some great victories right now, so get involved in any competitions now. Whether it’s a three-legged race, a surprise deadline at work, or a game of “throw the rock at the circus clown,” you’re in it to win.

Scorpio

The universe is responsive when you identify your genuine desires. The universe is kinky like that.

Aries

Bring your highest nature into all your day-to-day decisions. What you think of as mundane, earthly matters actually resonate on many, many different levels, including that unholy thing you do in the bathroom when no one’s around. No one should wash their hands that long.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. You can make it without breaking hobo skulls, so stop using that as an excuse.

Paramount Pictures has dumped Tom Cruise’s production company. They say it’s due to his off-screen behavior. No one puts their feet on Oprah’s couch, and that includes Tom Cruise.

Paris Hilton: “I haven’t accepted money from my parents since I was 18. I worked my ass off. I’ve done it all on my own.” With all those encouraging “yeah girl, work that ass” comments, it’s not wonder.

I just found out Kathy Griffin has been nominated in the outstanding reality program category for her show “My life on the D List.” That’s all. I just feel the need to share every piece of Kathy Griffin news I come across.

The Enquirer says Dr. McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) from Grey’s Anatomy threw a hissy fit on the set the other day. He’s threatened to leave the show. They think he might want more money. If they kill him off, they better have another “bomb inside a person” storyline to do the trick. And then George needs to get laid.

Also in The Enquirer: SNL is going to fire four cast members. You probably have never heard of any of them. It could be anybody!

Diddy and his girlfriend are expecting their second child together. That makes three for Diddy. I mean, one for Puffy, one for P. Diddy and one for Diddy.

There are more hints that Zach Braff will star in Fletch Won. He won’t confirm it yet. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for Chevy Chase doing another line off a strip club toilet, either.

Jimmy Kimmel will be the host of the new game show, Set for Life on ABC. He will most likely be squinting the entire show.

Capricorn
When you’re around the right people, you can make faster progress than you’d think possible. Meth dealers just seem to have that effect on you.

Gemini
One of your most valuable skills is your ability to learn on the fly. You may see yourself as scrambling to catch up, but that’s far from the truth. You’re way ahead of the curve when it comes to new developments. But you’re behind the curve when it comes to the Slap Bracelet. And that’s not the limb you’re supposed to wrap it around.

Libra
There’s nothing you love more than a new territory. It’s especially exciting when you’re able to throw the natives off it yourself.

Pisces
Your blazing enthusiasm can light up a room. Especially when you’re blazing with gasoline close by.

Stooks Proverb: Every man for himself. There’s only so much of Star Jones to go around these days.

Osama bin Laden is a big Whitney Houston fan. Follow that link and prepare for one of the weirdest stories ever. Apparently one of his former sex slaves has written an autobiography. She’s from America. So Osama kept asking her if she personally knew Whitney. She told him “no.” He went on to explain that he wanted to marry her and have Bobby Brown killed.

“How can you respect a man who leaves New Edition?”

Paris Hilton’s old, king-size bed is being auctioned off. Now that she’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Overrated Celebrity,” maybe they could test the bed to see if she had the “Most DNA in One Bed.”

Speaking of Paris…she really likes the CD she recorded and paid the Devil to make her sound decent on. “I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.” What a prostitute.

Another article that refers to Snakes on a Plane as “campy.” Here’s the definition, for the 1950’s vocab-deficient:

The deliberate and sophisticated use of kitsch, mawkish or corny themes and styles in art, clothing or conversation.

I can’t believe I missed Kevin Federline at the Teen Choice Awards. If I find the video, I’ll put it up, but you can read about his performance.

One of the guys from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle has been cast as a potential terrorist in 24. More importantly, the article points out the production of Harold and Kumar Go To Amsterdam. One warning: IMDB doesn’t list Neil Patrick Harris for the sequel.

Leo
Crowds are definitely not doing it for you right now. You need solitude to contemplate some changes that you have to make. You also need solitude when singing your favorite “New Kids on the Block” tunes. Especially since your singing talents are only slightly better than Donnie Walberg’s.

Sagittarius
Someone’s picking up on the unconscious distress signals you’ve been sending. They want to reach out to you, so confide your feelings instead of brushing them off. Or express your feelings with a swift kick to their groin. You’ll feel much better.

Taurus
Someone craves your attention, but you’re not in a space where you can give it without feeling drained. If anyone knows how to turn this negative into a positive, it’s you. You can find a way out, and it’s name is chloroform.

Virgo
You know that putting off the inevitable almost always leads to anxiety. In fact, when does procrastinating ever lead to something good? No, the time when you procrastinated on that plot against your high school gym teacher who ended up being mauled by a koala before you could execute the deed doesn’t count as procrastinating paying off.

Stooks Proverb: Great minds think alike. Bad minds think like the entire cast of Saved By The Bell: The College Years.

“I think the dead people you’re seeing might be a result of that laced squeef your smoking.”

Britney Spears wants her old body back. So do we. And could whoever has her old brain bring that back, too?

Some paparazzi yelled at Nicole Richie, “Nicole, you look disgusting. Gain some f***ing weight!” She wasn’t upset because she’s anorexic. She’s upset because what if she was anorexic…that wouldn’t be cool.

Busta Rhymes has been arrested for assault. Good for him. He’s got to keep that street cred up for a possible Shaft 2 role.

Speaking of street cred, Usher is going Broadway this week, taking a role in Chicago.

Barry Manilow is having problems recovering from a hip injury. Too much cavorting with the ladies, if you ask me.

Manilow’s gaze: crack for the soul

Marion Jones has tested positive for a banned substance. What is happening to America’s sports institutions? First cycling, now track and field. What’s next? Canasta?

The Beckhams are coming out with two new fragrances. They are called “intimately Beckham” “for her” and “for him.” Victoria’s will no doubt smell similar to Chanel. David’s similar to Duck Butter (Urban Dictionary link warning: offensive).

The Enquirer says Courtney Cox and David Arquette are having problems. If anything happens to that marriage, every guy’s hopes and dreams of scoring a girl way out of their league takes a little step back.

Donald Trump, Ben Affleck, Billy Ray Cyrus, Jon Cryer and other celebrities have helped raise more than $2.8 million for the Jimmy Fund. At the photo op, a reporter screamed “Move out of the way Affleck! You’re blocking our shot of Billy Ray!”

Millions of people will be disappointed today after seeing Snakes on a Plane.

Far less will be disappointed by…

Snake on a Phone.

Snakes on a Plane influenced “Free for All Friday,” as well.

This guy isn’t happy about it at all.

“Bring it Sam Jackson!!!”

Other Free For All Friday Highlights…

This girl’s roommate popped a squat.

This guy explains why he has the hots for Owen Wilson.

Back to School Tips 2006.

Aquarius

You have an unwavering commitment to improving this world. It’s not a corny or impractical sentiment at all, but a fascinating puzzle. You’ve got innovative ideas on how to improve things for everyone here: wear a Richard Nixon mask.

Cancer

Regularly schedule time to appreciate all the joys in your life from the small (chocolate-covered almonds!) to the great (old-people watching).

Scorpio

Make a real effort to get away from it all. Find a few moments to give yourself some TLC. That Waterfalls song is sooo sublime.

Aries

You’re not a little kid — it’s not like your friends get you in trouble. However, it’s undeniable that someone has a good influence on you: Grover. For your own good, maybe you should spend more time with him.

Stooks Proverb: Always look out for number one. And number two…especially if it’s Mark Mangino’s.

Mel Gibson pleaded “No Contest” to his DUI case. He’ll be on probation for three years, go to a drug/alcohol education thing, and community service teaching teens how to take a mug shot photo.

“Freedom!!!!! From horrifying mug shots.”

Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson might be dating. Boring

Beyonce went on a maple syrup diet to lose weight. Her and Aunt Jemima have to be my favorite idea of a hot, lesbian couple.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock got married for the third time Thursday morning, this time in Nashville. They are probably having sex right now.

Ricky Martin is about to be named the Latin Recording Academy’s “Person of the Year.” His humanitarian work helped land him the award. He must’ve done some volunteer work at a soup kitchen serving soup…to himself.

It looks like J Lo and her ex won’t have to go to court over a book he wanted to write.

Justin Timberlake news all over the place today…

First, he says, his song “What goes around comes around” is not about Britney. He doesn’t have any ill feelings toward her now that she’s married to trash and has somehow become even trashier than her husband.

Second, check out what he said about Taylor Hicks.

“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket…If [Hicks] has any skeletons whatsoever, if God forbid, he’s gay, and if all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like [then JT takes on a thick southern accent], ‘Oh my god, I voted for a queer!’ It’s just too much pressure.”

Hours later, his publicist said his words were taken out of context…

“He has tremendous affection for Taylor Hicks’ success,” his publicist told The Associated Press on Thursday. “He would never say anything that personal about somebody he’s never met. He only wishes him the best.”

“And an awkward wave to you too, Mr. Timberlake.”

So, Britney Spears says her current pregnancy was kind of accidental.

We talked about how, in the future, her kid will be pleased to stumble upon that tidbit, as well as her “time travel” session with Kevin Federline (scroll down a couple posts to watch that video).

This got us talking about some of the things you know about your parents, but wish you hadn’t.

Segment 1 – Dad was on acid when I was conceived
Segment 2 – Dad was a cowgirl/parents grew pot

“Ugly is coming for your someday, too.”

In other show activity…

This guy’s excited because he thinks he finally got some good email.

Steve Schnell’s “Back to School Report.”

Our thought-provoking response to some viewer mail.

Another edition of “Dick Cheney Says.”

Capricorn

Figure out if there’s a purpose to a debate before you get started. It’s tempting to get involved in a battle of the wits, but be careful: That repartee could quickly descend to the level of ‘Did not!,’ ‘Did too! Did not! Did too! (shotgun blast)’

Gemini

It’s time to share what you know. With your charm, you can also persuade other, less forthcoming types to be equally generous with some much-needed information. Unfortunately your charm isn’t quite enough to avoid having to pay for, you know…services.

Libra

Your ability to negotiate everyone’s needs along with your own makes you the ideal go-between. You’re the acme of courtesy. Too bad you’re also the acne on a butt.

Pisces

Some flaky types in your workplace are infectious. You, however, can ward them off by inoculating yourself with a large dose of organization, or a rubber.

Stooks Proverb: It’s never too late to learn, unless you’re Wilford Brimley trying to learn the proper way to say “diabetes.”

“Diabeetis. Arrr! Arrr! Arrr! (seal bark)”

Wow, they found the guy who probably killed JonBenet Ramsey. I guess we owe her parents an apology.

Johnny Depp is doing another movie with Tim Burton. How come no one has questioned that relationship yet?

Drew Barrymore wants to settle down and have a kid. Her boyfriend’s name is Fabrizio Moretti, formerly the (dead?) member of Milli Vanilli. Actually, he’s the drummer for the Strokes.

Courtney Cox has a new show called “Dirt,” coming to FX in early 2007. They just announced Rick Fox will play a (gasp) basketball player. Now, when will they get Vlade Divac on TV?

“Weren’t you in The Professional?”

Usually, you can count on FX to put out good TV shows. Apparently sick of that trend, they’re now working with J Lo. She’s also doing a show with MTV.

While trying to figure out the name of the movie with the guy who looks like Vlade, I found out Natalie Portman is rumored to be in Indiana Jones 4. Maybe she can ruin that series like she did Star Wars.

Another day, another Snakes on a Plane news story. I don’t care what anyone says, this movie is going to be huge.

Brace yourself for a shocker. Britney says her current pregnancy wasn’t planned. I’m sure the kid will appreciate reading that 10 years from now. By the way, for all the crap people give her, Sean Preston is easily the least messed up kid’s name from any celebrity in the past decade.

Bill Murray’s always an enjoyable interview. Dropping a Jay-Z reference might be the highlight of his latest.

Gwyneth Paltrow is returning to acting. Apparently she took some time off. Thank god, there haven’t been enough movies recently with pleasant looking women who look sad.

Paris Hilton urges you to look past stereotypes: just because she’s a whore doesn’t mean she can’t sing.

From the Enquirer…

Mel’s not in rehab! He’s at home!

Kelly Clarkson likes to get drunk and play the air guitar.

Lance Bass’ friends don’t mind he’s gay, but they don’t approve of his boyfriend. Apparently when Lance has the guys over, his boyfriend can’t make a cheese dip to save his life.

K-State’s Tyler Hughes was thrown off the basketball team for being a registered sex offender, or maybe for what he did to become one.

Either way, we went to the Kansas registered sex offenders site yesterday.

We were sucked in by the pure hilarity of the photos. I would put one of them up here, but I’ve been warned for more personal safety. Go for yourself and enjoy.

Either way, Chris was running tape during our viewing.

Here’s our reactions to the different photos.

It was on my summer reading list…

Speaking of molestation, it’s back-to-school time.

We talked about how evil we were back in our school days. Our listeners’ stories made me feel much better.

Segment 1 – Hooking kids on drugs
Segment 2 – Selling days off and giving Mad Cow
Segment 3 – Farm animals

We surprised New Salesguy Steve with a present for his kids going back to school.

Leo
You have the imagination and insight to see fresh angles on lifelong friends. Why not share your knowledge with them? Rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, paper beats rock, and corn doesn’t digest.

Sagittarius
Your career success accelerates just as the situation in your personal life gets deep. This might cause you some stress, along with glee as you mercilessly sacrifice five gerbils.

Taurus
You’re at the center of all the hustle and bustle in your increasingly busy routine. It may start to feel like just that — routine — but what other way do you know of to smuggle Benadryl across the border.

Virgo
You’re capable of far more than you know. Music, sculpture, dance — these and other artistic topics inspire you. They also inspire other people to make fun of you behind your back. But they never liked you anyway.

Stooks Proverb: Seeing is believing. That’s why Helen Keller is so skeptical of everything.

Instead of hastily putting together what I can find for the Stooks Scoop three minutes before it goes on the air, I’ve decided to work on it a day in advance and put what I find here. Don’t worry, any late-breaking stories about Rosie sitting on it will still make the show.

Good lord, you have got to watch the Britney Spears video below. Or, at least read this for some of the highlights.. Here’s one little nugget for you:

“Have you ever seen ‘Back to the Future?'” she asks Federline.

“Is that possible, to time travel? … Yes, it is, Kevin,” she says. “I think people can do that.”

“Well, maybe. But they would never tell the world,” the enlightened Federline responds.

Britney’s whore friend Madonna could go to jail in Germany if she does he “shocking” on-stage crucifixion this weekend.

If it were 1989, someone in this country, with the exception of San Fran, might care.

In other “who gives a” news, Kate Hudson is getting a divorce.

Oh, no! A third Ace Ventura movie. And no Jim Carrey. Hey, it worked for Dumb and Dumberer. It’ll be about Ace’s son. I apologize in advance.

It looks like there could be an X-Men 4, in addition to Wolverine and Young Magneto.

They haven’t signed Hugh Jackman or Halle Berry. Hopefully the next one doesn’t blow as hard as the last one.

Having a kid has changed Ben Affleck’s life. Less time for crappy movie-making.

Laguna Beach is coming back. Wednesday (8/16) at 9:00. I’ll miss LC. Only because that is the best initial name I’ve ever heard of.

Did Dane Cook knock up Jessica Simpson? Warning: from The Enquirer.

At least one of my friends on MySpace is the “that guy” who flaunts how ripped he is by having shirtless photos all over the place.

So, we discussed the “Dude who needs to be shirtless all the time.”

If Spock would’ve shown more skin, he could’ve easily had Uhura…or Chekov

Aquarius

When your dad calls with another set of instructions about how to change an oil filter, the temptation to roll your eyes is irresistible. Listen attentively and you may just learn something about your family…specifically, about your family’s questionable past in the organized car parts theft crime syndicate.

Cancer

Learn to shake off any little setbacks. Mistakes help you grow for the future. Your high standards have gotten you where you are today: sad, alone, and cynical toward every episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos: Tom Bergeron Edition. You’re still cool with the Saget version.

Scorpio

Do something new. Eat somewhere different for lunch. Try a gyro — a nice change from the usual burrito! Go a different way to the office break room. Who knew that there was a cute new hire in IT? Use the opposite sex’s bathroom’s sink to do your business. You get the idea.

Aries

Some friends bring out the very best in you. Other friends consistently leave you feeling like you’ve been run over by an SUV. Hmm — maybe it’s time to reconsider the relationships that fall in the latter category. Then, buy a knife.

Stooks Proverb: Every dog has his day. It’s definitely not the one where (“snip snip” sound effect). That’s Andy Dick’s day…for sifting through the garbage outside the vet’s office.

Did you hear? Mario Lopez and Jerry Springer are going to be on Dancing with the Stars.

“Ouch, I shouldn’t have nailed that tranny…it burns.”

No caption, just a quick note on Mario Lopez: I believe his Speedo says “Air Mail.” Any ideas what that might mean across someone’s groin? I only have one…and it’s not pretty.

If you haven’t heard, BOTH Elimidate AND Blind Date are going off the air.

Roger Lodge, along with his assortment of V-necks and turtlenecks got me through my first couple years of college.

Elimidate renewed my faith in the genre, before a quick rendezvous with Cheaters ended my relationship with dating shows completely.

Goodbye Elimidate and Blind Date…we hardly knew ye.

Now, that’s a man who knows how to show off his neck!

Capricorn

Accomplishing things is the name of the game, and you pack double your usual powerful punch, especially when it comes to money matters. Too bad Monopoly money doesn’t count in the real world.

Gemini

You can’t go around giving affection always expecting to get it back. The love you make is equal to the love you take, but it doesn’t always come back at your from the same source. Sometimes you switch it up and use your left hand.

Libra

Your pleasure in earthly delights is heightened during this cycle of sensual energy. Sink your toes in the grass, get to the beach, or bury your face in Louie Anderson’s stomach and go (motor boating sound effect).

Pisces

Call up your favorite person. He or she can make a trip to the dump a party…especially with their nose for used hypodermic needles.

Stooks Proverb: Easier said than done. Like looking at Bruce Vilanch without a beard.

“Mickelson Boob” is the John Stossel Pick of the Week.

Basically, it’s a guy with boobs, who chooses to wear a form-fitting polo with no undershirt.

Here are the results, from the original “Mickelson Boob.”

Never make eye contact with a pair of Mickelson Boobs.

In other show activity…

I continue to struggle with my shower. I call the shower and try to work things out.

Free for All Friday

Leo
Are you eating because you’re hungry, or are you noshing because it’s a good way to distract yourself from what’s really going on? Food should be appreciated, but it shouldn’t be used as a way to avoid emotions. And when Mark Mangino and Louie Anderson get emotional in the same room, may God help anyone who stands in the way.

Sagittarius
Some people think you’re only about fun and games, but they simply don’t realize that all your clowning has a much higher purpose: a big, Kelly Kapowski-sized zit on your nose.

Taurus
You’re more sensitive than usual right now, so keep to yourself. Reread an old favorite story, try to write something yourself, or poison the neighbor’s gerbils. So much for Fred getting pleasured this weekend.

Virgo
Deal with an old emotional wound. Write it down. Talk to a friend. Afterward, find some physical way of releasing it. Suggestion: punch Brian Dennehy.

Stooks Proverb: Lucky in cards, unlucky in love. That’s why they have those cards with the dirty pictures on them.