Matt Stooks

Capricorn

Ease up on yourself and others. You have a high set of standards. Not everyone can cough blood on command.

Gemini

Spend your considerable energy and insight on another person. They could really use your help. Clown makeup is the only thing that’ll make their face reasonable.

Libra

Get ready to close the book on some old emotional business — you’re about to start a new chapter in your life. Sadly, no one ever reads the Epilogue. Loser.

Pisces

Someone’s looking for trouble. Make sure you’re not a target for their ire. More importantly, make sure you’re on the lookout with your posters of Enrique Iglesias and Cindy Crawford. A jealous co-worker has their eyes set on a serious mole score. They’ve got the scissor for the job, too.

Stooks Proverb: Opportunity seldom knocks twice. Jonathan Taylor Thomas, on the other hand, will throw a cinder block through your window for a sandwich.

Ellen’s hosting The Oscars.

WEAK! Paris Hilton’s blood alcohol level was only a .08 when she got her DUI. Any less, and she would’ve been free to go. That was at the scene, so chances are she blew even better at the police station and may get off. What?

Even worse non-celeb Kimberly Stewart was her passenger, by the way.

In unrelated Paris news: she wasn’t making out with Travis Barker from Blink 182. She was making out with his friend. Less whorish, I guess.

Lionel Richie gets quote of the week for what he says about his daughter.

“I live with the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana,”

Well, Diana, but a lot more whorish before dying.

David Letterman’s going to do The Late Show for at least four more years. No new contract, but things seem to be going well for Jimmy Kimmel’s show, too. Conan will slaughter them both.

Michael Jackson has to pay ex Debbie Rowe $60 thousand. That dude is involved in more lawsuits than every celebrity combined, doesn’t he?

Remember that d-bag with the book from Oprah? James Frey and his publishers have to give out up to $2.35 million in refunds for books bought before he admitted to being a fraud.

Brian DePalma wants to cast Nicholas Cage as a young Al Capone in an Untoucables sequel. I don’t approve.

There’s a rumor that Anderson Cooper and Campbell Brown will move to CBS’ Early Show. He’s got to be the youngest guy ever to get a full head of gray hair that early. I’m not sure if he or Taylor Hicks pulls it off better.

We weren’t really feeling a talk topic today, so just a couple of clips.

This guy isn’t happy about Twix bars.

Steve Schnell’s “Stooks in the Morning really blows today” Report.

Leo

There’s more to this relationship than meets the eye, especially if work matters are involved. Bring your full commitment to this enterprise, as well as a willingness to explore all of the possibilities, including a ball gag.

Sagittarius

You’re an ‘action speaks louder than words’ kind of person, but the stars encourage you to explore issues with in-depth conversation. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and perform your punch-to-the-kidney move.

Taurus

The bright side is the right side — that’s your personal motto when it comes to dealing with life. Your motto when it comes to dealing with your neighbors’ dog is “Scruffy doesn’t like horse tranquilizer, does he?”

Virgo

Plants, flowers, foliage — anything green, wild or woody stimulates your creativity and your love for life. Haha. Woody.

Stooks Proverb: All’s well that ends well. Unless it’s a buffet line occupied by Louie Anderson, Kirstie Alley and Mark Mangino at the same time.

BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton was arrested just after midnight Thursday for DUI.

Emilio Estevez is getting married.

“I’m relevant enough to make mattstooks.com!!!”

Jessica Simpson Wednesday! First off, she’s seeming like Ashlee right now: “lost her voice” just in time for her CD release and scheduled “live” performances. She’s also not dating John Mayer or anyone else. The good news? Nick Lachey is getting far less than the $18 million (half of what the couple earned while together) he filed for the divorce. But his career isn’t as over as it looked six months ago, so he won’t end up at whatever parking garage Joey Fatone works.

Katie Couric doubled the audience for the CBS Evening News her first night. And she had Suri photos. People will watch. Go choke on a hot dog.

Katie Holmes says rumors about Suri were “heartbreaking.”

“Some of the crap that’s out there, the stuff that’s said about my parents and my siblings (reports that her family did not hit it off with Cruise), it’s really frustrating the amount of s*** that’s out there.“And the stuff they say about Suri? You shouldn’t say that about us, and you can’t say that about my child.”

Notice how she didn’t object to rumors about Freakshow?

Sickos: there’s no chance you’re gonna see the tape of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dieing. See you in Hell.

Ron Goldman’s dad has filed a petition to own the name “O.J. Simpson.” He hasn’t got a dime from a $30 million judgement in 1997.

That Village People cop got three years probation for drug possession. Go ahead. Picture the Village People. Wasn’t that nice?

Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth broke up!!! Things could get awkward when they start filming Seasons of Dust together. Does anyone care?

Desperate Housewives’ Marcia Cross is pregnant. It’s her first kid.

A miniseries about 9/11 on ABC might cause some problems. It blames the Clinton Administration for not getting bin Laden. Harvey Keitel is in it. Random.

I got into a discussion with a group of girls about body hair this weekend in KC.

I learned a lot, so I thought we should take this issue to the air.

Nair for Men’s future spokesperson

In other show activity…

Demone the Demon shows up because of 9/6/06 (1:53).

Aquarius

All the right celestial influences are in place to support your wildest dreams. Crazy, unreasonable and outrageous are just labels other people use when they’re too scared. And well they should be, as your plans for a vacuum cleaner attachment that removes small children out of Mangino fat rolls will sweep the nation.

Cancer

Is someone close to you playing devil’s advocate just for the sake of being contrary? Try to let it roll off your back. Remember how long it took you to dispose of the body last time?

Scorpio

Reserve judgment on this person until you know them better. Sure, they didn’t make the greatest first impression, but they just might grow on you — and take up a permanent, necessary place in your life: a toady.

Aries

Careless speech can be just that — careless speech — so there’s no point in fretting over it. Reinterpreting or analyzing someone’s comments just wastes your energy. Go watch some Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Stooks Proverb: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Where there’s a Mangino, there’s a worried cow.

Rosie’s getting pretty good reviews after her first appearance on The View. She didn’t even eat Elisabeth Hasselbeck. In all seriousness, she seems to own this show now.

Katie Couric made her debut yesterday, too. She even got to unveil a photo of Suri Cruise-Holmes. Don’t get excited. No horns or hooves.

We talked about Diddy’s girlfriend expecting another kid. Turns out, they’re having twins. I hope he still has some names left in his grab bag.

A third cast member from Lost has been arrested for a traffic violation. The guy who plays Eko was arrested for driving without a license and disobeying a cop.

The Beckhams say they aren’t expecting. He better knock her up soon, though, if they want us to still care about them.

Lyrics to a new Keith Urban song indicate he wants two kids with Nicole Kidman.

Nick Lachey has taken Vanessa Minillo home to meet his parents.

Pamela Anderson now knows how to do her own makeup. Her boobs are a different story.

Lots of activity on the show after a long weekend.

My weekend in KC included a trip to J.C. Penny Outlet Store with my friend, Chris.

We saw a pregnant woman, looking overdue and showing a little too much midriff.

“Wanna kiss my outie?”

Two posts down is the story about Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s death.

One caller is particularly saddened by this occurence (2:24).

All this Crocodile Hunter talk got Chris and I debating on whether a shark is a fish.

This guy sets us straight, and the High Lady makes a brief cameo in the background at the end (1:25).

Katie Couric debuts on CBS tonight.

We’ve found some of her promos unfortunate (1:16).

Capricorn

What gives? It seems like casual acquaintances understand you better than your closest friends do right now. Sometimes old habits keep loved ones from seeing each other clearly…so does not using Clear Eyes, but your displeasure with Ben Stein will prevent you from ever clearing that hurdle.

Gemini

Right now, you’d like nothing more than to get this party started — and quickly. Round up the usual suspects — you know, those cohorts whom you can always count on to make merry. It’s time to let down your hair and get all kinds of merry up in everybody’s grill.

Libra

If your perfect plan met with an untimely demise, it’s because the universe didn’t think it was the right strategy for the moment. See what you can salvage and learn from this. Then go buy a chainsaw and lots of bleach.

Pisces

A worthy cause needs your time, money and skill. Clear a little room in your schedule — and budget — to help. Not only will you feel more involved and active in your community, but you’ll also be spiritually refreshed as a result of your mercy killing of Miss Cleo.

Stooks Proverb: Fight fire with fire. Fight Rosie O’Donnell with lots of armor so she can’t eat you.

The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, died today. Discovery was filming Steve at the Greet Barrier Reef. He was swimming above a a group of stingrays. One of them lashed its poisonous tail up to protect itself and speared him in the heart. It’s a very rare occurrence: 17 deaths in 10 years from stingrays.

Here’s an interesting read about everything from his death through his career. Here’s an excerpt:

“Our whole passion to be on this planet is to educate people about wildlife,” he said in 1998. “I will die doing that. I have a gift.”

I liked him. I thought he was a unique and compelling TV personality.

Now, back to people we really don’t care for.

Tom Cruise apologized to Brooke Shields. Next, he’ll reveal he only said the things he said because he was always jealous at Brooke for getting it on with Andre Agassi.

Here’s an interesting stunt:

Paris Hilton’s album became the target of Banksy’s latest stunt. The British graffiti artist tampered with 500 copies of her album.

Banksy changed the album sleeves with a topless body and replaced the head with one belonging to a dog. The CDs were substituted by other 40-minute CDs consisting of a remix made by an artist, only giving his name as DM, but rumors suggest it could be Danger Mouse – one half of Gnarls Barkley.

The 500 “touched” albums came with a sticker on the cover, claiming that the album contains hits such as “Why am I Famous?” , “What Have I Done?” and “What Am I For?”

Ellen and her girlfriend, Portia De Rossi were hit by a drunk driver Friday afternoon. Both actresses are okay.

Katie Couric is just hours away from her debut with the CBS Evening News.

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are having closed door discussions to settle their divorce. She could end up with more than $100 million.

Nip/Tuck starts tonight on FX. Here’s an article about the new season.

I’ve always maintained that the High Lady can sense when our show needs some help.

We had a pretty rough start to Free for All Friday.

Until the High Lady Called to talk about the United Pooties or something. Probably the High Lady at her most ridiculous.

“America’s best high schools have giant print magazines.”

Other show stuff…

Steve Schnep’s Purple Power Play on Poyntz Report. Steve Schnell has to intervene.

The Iraqi woman needs 10 tickets to tomorrow’s K-State game.

Leo

There are many benefits to being an adult — no curfew and not having to ask to borrow the car are a few. You can’t get away with looking up schoolgirls skirts as much, though.

Sagittarius

Push beyond the borders of your comfort zone, even if it’s only in the smallest ways. Try mango-cranberry sorbet instead of chocolate ice cream. Tell your sweetie you want to go to Tahiti instead of visiting relatives. Sit next to the guy in the wife beater with that mystery stain on the front.

Taurus

Willow trees survive storms, whereas sturdier types, like the oak, topple over. Why? Because willows are exceptionally flexible. They bend, then go back up. Take this information to heart right now. Trees are fun!

Virgo

What’s that delicious aroma? Why, that’s the sweet smell of success — and it’s coming from you. It resembles the smell of garlic mixed with Angela Lansbury.

Stooks Proverb: True love never grows old. It just becomes bitter and craps itself.

Remember that guy that put together the sculpture of Britney giving birth on that animal rug? He’s now creating “Suri’s Bronzed Baby Poop.” HAHA! Also hearing that we’ll get to see the first photos of Suri in Vanity Fair some time this fall. “Horns? Hooves? Find out this Fall in Vanity Fair!!!”

Misleading headline of the day: “Jessica Simpson Admits to Surgical Enhancement.” It was some Sweedish version of collagen to fatten your lips. Don’t worry. She’s off the stuff.

From the VMA’s taping: Jessica Simpson wins a car, barely misses running into Nick, and Justin Timberlake enraged the press by sneaking in a side door.

Zach Braff is upset that the tabloids have painted him as the “male Paris Hilton.” He says he isn’t getting laid all the time. And his boobs are too big to be even for the “female Paris Hilton.”

Why wasn’t I informed that there were some topless photos of Jennifer Aniston that possibly existed? I’m so far behind this story, she’s already settled with the photographer.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are trying to save New Orleans. Hide your children!

Donald Trump fired Carolyn! She was using her new fame too much to make money.

“My ears seem heavy…”

Whoops!

I pulled a CNN and forgot to turn my microphone off when I went to the bathroom.

“Don’t forget to have your toilet pets spayed or neutered.”

A caller talks about Cosmo polls and how John Mayer fits into the picture.

Chris’ back has been messed up.

Luckily, a chiropractor, without a mustache, calls in. We discuss why all chiropractors need mustaches.

Aquarius
You’ve been ready for success — and finally, success is ready for you. This is thrilling — but also just the teensiest bit scary, because Bruce Villanch is the one fluffing success in the backroom so it’s ready for you when it comes out.

Cancer
There’s more to your life than meets the eye. Pay attention to dreams, symbols and coincidences. People who keep crossing your path are there for a reason: knife fight.

Scorpio
Your social interactions need a greater purpose. Seek out ways to benefit others. Emphasize altruism and consideration. De-emphasize whipped-cream-pie-to-the-face-ism.

Aries
What makes you fulfilled creatively can also help you make money. But you’ll need lots of penicillin and a close relationship with the fuzz.

Stooks Proverb: Faith can move mountains. It can barely nudge Mangino.

Have you noticed how many magazines start existing each day? One called Watch! featured an altered photo of Katie Couric to make her look 20 pounds thinner than she actually is! Actually, the magazine is only available to CBS stations and American Airline passengers (no joke).

“Who cares about her waist? They changed her dress!”

Paris Hilton’s new CD debuted at #6. Back to whoring.

Katharine McPhee is up for the role of Wonder Woman. But does anyone want to see her bulimia vomit on the bottom of the Invisible Jet as she flies overhead?

Kidman’s rep says the paparazzi are PhotoShopping Nicole’s body to make it look like she has a spot where a baby would go. Can they photoshop some tan on her next time, please?

Here’s a new feature on MSNBC, “The Perfect.” I think my friend Prewitt would like it.

This article says Rosie’s going to have a tough time on The View. Just like any heterosexual male, her knees will be trembling as she gazes at Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Recent purchases suggest Britney Spears is having a baby GIRL! (Insert your own incest joke here).

Jennifer Aniston is close to signing a deal with Nike. I don’t get it, either.

First off, I went to bed at 7 last night and didn’t get a chance to watch Celebrity Duets before the show.

I just got done watching it, and it is ridiculous. You have to watch this show just to get a look at Little Richard’s stroke-out sessions. He’s one of the judges.

Listen to these…

Little Rich 1 Little Rich 3 Little Rich 5
Little Rich 2 Little Rich 4 Little Rich 6

It looks like a guy was trying to kill himself and some woman by driving into the Kansas River near St. George (Between Manhattan and Wamego).

Unfortunately, the four-foot deep water wasn’t enough to kill anyone.

We talked about ways to die.

Capricorn

You could be facing a budget crunch due to some overenthusiastic spending — or some past generosity could be getting a karmic repayment. Your past finds you when you least expect it. This could go both ways, just like Anne Heche.

Gemini

It seems like some people are predestined to lose their cool, but you don’t even break a sweat no matter how hectic the day becomes. Wow, Rush was right about painkillers.

Libra

It’s easy to be defined by our problems — and scary to let go of them. Just be glad you’re not aware that everyone else defines you by one word: bouncy.

Pisces

Recycling. A wonky door hinge. Saying ‘I’m sorry.’ It’s so easy to let the little things accumulate, and before you know it, it feels like everything is falling apart, like Cher’s face. There goes her nose.

Stooks Proverb: The early bird gets the worm. The late bird gets EPT.

The Enquirer says Zach Braff asked Jessica Simpson to help reunite him with Mandy Moore. Unfortunately JESSICA SIMPSON HAS LOST HER ABILITY TO SPEAK!!!

Jessica Simpson’s dating John Mayer. It looks legit. Check out how vampire-like John Mayer looked on The Today Show last week.

Sorry, ladies. Springsteen is not separating from his wife of 15 years. But, if you take one step to the left, Tom Arnold is separating from his third wife. At least he’s famous, right?

Wow, here’s something from The Enquirer that you wouldn’t want to read about yourself first thing in the morning: Katie Holmes has been plagued with cold sores, which are caused by the herpes virus, since childhood. Stress can bring on an outbreak of the unsightly blisters.

OUCH! William H. Macy Slam! He’s in a movie called Bobby. Lindsay Lohan is in it, too. I guess she has a problem showing up to shooting on time.

“There is not an apology big enough in the world to make 150 people scramble. It’s inexcusable. It’s nothing but disrespect. And Lindsay Lohan is not the only one. A lot of actors show up late as if they’re Gods gift to the film and is inexcusable. They should have their asses kicked.”

I got an invite to a couples’ shower that I can’t attend this weekend.

This “couples’ shower” idea worries me.

Guy’s thought bubble: Marriage sucks…

In other show activity…

Steve Schnell’s “K-State Football Report.”

A guy excited about some Harry Potter-related news.

Leo

Finding it difficult to get some time for yourself? You have to make it a priority on your own schedule — fight for it if you have to. Spend some time daydreaming, doodling or stocking up on fake Burt Reynold’s moustaches.

Sagittarius

Inquire within when it comes to unresolved questions. Your highly attuned instincts can lead you to the right solutions if you’re able to hear them. “Righty tighty, lefty loosey” doesn’t work for helping your dog relieve themselves.

Taurus

Listen to your inner wisdom when it comes to picking new associates for a project. Your dream team is well within realization. Who could possibly beat the team of Optimus Prime, Beach-Head and Skeletor?

Virgo

Keep focused on what’s important. Larger influences are bringing your big picture into focus. It’s a spaceship!

Stooks Proverb: You only live once. But there are enough hours of Bob Saget archived footage to take up at least half that. Don’t even try to get into the Stamos collection.

I kinda want to see Andre Agassi play his last tennis matches. The US Open is on USA right now, so I thought I’d watch and see if he was on. Frightening stuff.

They were putting a tribute together for Billie Jean King (definitely not Michael’s Lover). You could tell the announcers weren’t really prepared for this kind of a ceremony at a tennis match.

Listen to this and imagine a bunch of kids running out on the field from one of the typical groups that get recognized at football and baseball games (think Cub Scouts/Brownies). They wave at the people in the crowd quite creepishly. But it’s at a tennis match. Then, Diana Ross sang.

Anyone not see this coming? That creepy “I killed JonBenet” guy’s DNA doesn’t match the evidence. He gets to stay in the State’s and travel to California to answer for some old child porn charges. There goes his 15 minutes.

“I’m still into kiddie porn! Is that worth nothing anymore?! I’m listening to
relaxing music!!!”

Dumped by Paramount, Tom Cruise is now getting funding from owner of the Washington Redskins. Both of those guys are weird.

Has anyone else noticed how lame Matthew Broderick is compared to when he was Ferris Bueller? What a phoney! He just broke his collarbone after falling off a pony (almost a poem).

Oh no she didn’t! Meredith Vieira says The View has become a joke. The more she talks the hotter she becomes.

Casey Affleck is excited to get his first “heroic lead” in a movie. It’s funny how only his own brother could make Ben Affleck look reasonable by comparison.

Jessica Simpson’s new CD is out Tuesday. It’s her FIFTH album. With very few hits, it’s interesting to find out why she’s so famous? Very good article on branding an artist.

Speaking of quesionable fame… Paris Hilton got rejected by Extras, an HBO show from Ricky Gervais, the creator of The Office. Ben Stiller, Sam Jackson and Kate Winslet have all had guest appearances on the HBO show. Paris asked to be in an episode, Ricky said “no.”

Her response is classic: “I guess he’s obviously scared of starring alongside an A-lister”

Here’s some new Paris is a whore news: Cher’s son says he hooked up with her years ago, and was so scared he caught something, he scrubbed himself with household cleaner.

Wow. I kinda saw this coming. On the night of The Emmys, Conan was in a bit at the beginning of the show that had him walk through the sets of some highly acclaimed shows. It starts with him on a plane crashing for Lost. Sadly, a crash in Kentucky killed 49 people just a couple hours before the show.

Will & Grace’s Eric McCormack says he may never do a sitcom again. What will we do?

From today’s K-State Collegian Classifieds: Help wanted with hog farm. Flexible hours.

This inspired us to hold a little “Bitch about your job Monday” session.

“You should see how I ‘service’ the grease traps on special occasions.”

In other show activity…

Another edition of “An Old Man.”

Aquarius

Someone has an agenda that they’re not disguising too well. Rise to the challenge of dealing with them and their ulterior motives. Yours, of all the signs, can do it in a way that’s caring, discreet and allows for an open casket.

Cancer

It’s time to look at old habits and points of view that need a radical overhaul. Whatever needs a makeover in your life, you can get it fixed up and looking great with ease…except Joan Rivers’ face.

Scorpio

The more comfortable you are with a changing situation, the more likely it is that the outcome will be far more to your liking than if you try to force something absolute to happen. Learn to deal with the gray areas…especially if you’re color blind.

Aries

The situation is amusing from a distance, and the trick to maintaining your sanity is keeping it light. That means observing but resolutely refusing to be drawn into any drama. “Momma drama” is still allowed.

Stooks Proverb: There’s honor among thieves. There’s even honor from non-thieves if you’re thieving Enrique Iglesias’ mole.

Emmy Stuff!

Nice! 24 won Best Drama and Kiefer finally won Best Actor.

I think the “Best Miniseries” category exists only to get the likes of Gillian Anderson out of whatever hole she’s been residing in. She didn’t look bad, either. She also didn’t win.

Check out this awkward exhange between Ryan Seacrest and Leah Remini (Stacey Carosi) on the Red Carpet at the Emmy’s. Somehow she’s friends with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus had the most panicked speech, for her random “best actress in a comedy” win for The New Adventures of Old Christine.

Here was one of the more clever speaches of the night. It’s from a writer for My Name Is Earl. It all turns south when he tries to turn the “people I don’t want to thank” bit into a serious thank you.

Here’s the lamest speach of the night. It’s from a writer or something from Elizabeth I.

One of the more frightening moments was from another Elizabeth I contributor. Helen Mirren won for actress in a miniseries. She was wearing a long dress and apparently awkward shoes.

“My great triumph is not falling ass-over-tit coming up those stairs.”

Non-Emmy Stuff!

Kevin Federline scored a guest spot on CSI.

From USA Today:

Federline started filming this week in Los Angeles. He will play a menacing, arrogant teen who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) on a job.

It’s always the arrogant teen roles than launch actors into stardom. Case-in-point: Corey Feldman.

Matt LeBlanc’s getting sued for defamation.

Stephanie Stephens claims in a lawsuit that LeBlanc told an unspecified person last August that she was sexually aggressive, gave him a lap dance in a private room and engaged him in a “night of sexual debauchery … at her place of employment.”

I’m pretty sure she’s not the first person to think a sexual link to Matt LeBlanc is not a good thing.

Rob Reiner wants Mel Gibson to apologize for The Passion of the Christ. He thinks Mel made the movie anti-Semitic on purpose! Also, too much reading.

Someone used Oprah’s name in an investment scam. Oprah wasn’t involved. Her alibi: she was in bed with Gayle…I mean Stedman.

Angelina Jolie had an awkward moment waiting outside a party. Her dad, Jon Voight, was at the party. They haven’t talked in four years, when he said she needed mental help. Eventually, Brad went in the party himself, Jon left shortly after and Angelina was able to sneak in. Which pit do you think Brad made Jon smell until he left?

Paris Hilton has a good friend test: clothing.

“I’ll pick out two outfits, one which is disgusting and one nice and I’ll ask my ‘friend’ what they think. If they go for the revolting one, I cut them out of my life.”

With a revolting outfit being defined as one that could get Paris laid by only five guys in a night.

George Clooney is chasing an older lady: Ellen Barkin from the upcoming Ocean’s 13. He’s 45. She’s 51.

Jennifer Garner is showing signs of pregnancy, again. Ultrasounds show a child with a disgrace for a father.

60 acres of land burned around Neverland Ranch Friday. Luckily the Ranch, and the thousands of assorted DNA strands there weren’t damaged.

Marky Mark’s Invincible was number one this weekend. Snakes on a Plane fell to 6th place with just over $6 million.

This woman’s just a little too infatuated with John Mayer.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and this guy doesn’t know what to do.

Pooping in the woods.

Leaving the seat up.

Old Woman gives a farewall/Telling your wife you’ve got an STD.

Finally, a frightening exchange involving Cindy Crawford’s mole in the Stooks Scoop.

“Are you talking to me?”

Capricorn

It’s so satisfying to check off the items on your ‘to-do’ list until you reach the end. Don’t try to skip over the item about borrowing your grandpa’s weed eater to clean out your mother’s back hair.

Gemini

A tiny opportunity to be kind can lead to something big. Help a senior citizen go grocery shopping. Pick up trash in a local park. Manually remove Reginald’s lazy eye. It’s creeping everyone out.

Libra

Are your finances in good shape? If so, keep up the good work. If not, then it’s time to look at your budget and what you’re buying. Do you really need that custom Slip ‘N’ Slide with Pamela Anderson’s chest painted down the middle.

Pisces

Your hobby becomes so absorbing that you look for even more ways to make it a part of your regular, workaday life. Unfortunately doing manicures on severed arms might get the law on your back.

Stooks Proverb: Love is blind. You see, someone gauged its eyes out for wife-coveting in biblical times.