Matt Stooks

What’s the matter with technology?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’ve figured out what’s wrong with technology. All the people who appreciate the laziness technology affords don’t get off their asses to invent new stuff.

The only reason an automated Jetsons-like shower doesn’t exist at this point is because all of us who think the process should be automated assume that some other lazy-ass will get the word out that this technology should exist.

In fact I heard that Joseph Barbera didn’t die of natural causes at the age of 95, but from shock that the automated shower hadn’t been invented yet.


Al Gore says: “All the buildings in the future are on stilts because of global warming.”


Al Gore says: “Have you learned nothing, assholes! AirCarpool, goddammit!”

WTF: Green Dot

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but NFL quarterbacks have ugly green dots on the back of their helmets this year.

Every helmet with a green dot has a headset inside. Only one headset is allowed on the offense at a time. With these fun dots, refs can make sure only one is on the field at any given time.

But that green dot is so lame. Here’s what I propose instead:

It’s much more visible, and Damon Huard could flip to a Patriots game when he gets bored watching the Chiefs offense.

Jeffrey Flanagan blows

Posted on by Matt Stooks

It was bad enough that Chiefs fans had to endure the sub-horrible announcing team of Matt Vasgersian and Jayice “J.C.” Pearson for today’s game against the Vikings.

Veteran KC Star sports hack Jeffrey Flanagan had to go and interview J.C. for this morning’s column.

Why would you want to get perspective from the one guy we’re going to pull our hair out listening to later the same day? And who cares what J.C. thinks, anyway? And I know sports fans everywhere have always wondered whether we should call Pearson “J.C.” or “Jayice.”

J.C.’s answer to that question doesn’t even make sense:

“People don’t know my name around the country, and it’s probably easier just to go with J.C. And people probably look at ‘Jayice’ and say ‘How the heck do I pronounce that?’”

You’re in broadcasting, jerkwad. How many people need to know how to pronounce your stupid-ass name? One. Your broadcast partner.

Flanagan then goes on to talk about some “folks” in St. Louis who want to break the Guinness record for the longest baseball game. Who cares?

I personally know 50 people more qualified to write Flanny’s column for the Star. Yet, he’s been there for ages. Terrible, terrible waste of space.

I’m annoyed: Volume Controls

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Hey, Internet!

Can I get a decent volume control over here?

90 percent of online video players have their volume sliders juiced all the way. Unfortunately, 50 percent of online videos have the volume set at some low-ass level. I need to be able to boost those levels, dumbasses!

Solution: keep the default volume where it is, but double the length of the volume slider so I can get some decent amplification. Must I explain everything?

My sweet, silky voice has left

Posted on by Matt Stooks

My voice has been wrecked since Saturday morning before our trip to Chicago.

There’s nothing like being in a new place, meeting new people and not being able to do the one thing I’m decent at: boring the hell out of them with my voice.

I’ve uploaded pictures from the trip here. Or enjoy the slideshow below (click on a photo for the description).

Once my voice returns, I plan to do a narrated slideshow with some video we caught mixed in. It should be a good waste of time.

Does Lars know about this?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I was perusing my Facebook today when I stumbled upon this:

Lars, are you selling out to the Internet? The Internet that cost you millions of dollars? Or is this just Facebook continuing its transformation into MySpace?

For the sake of my fun, I’ll say Lars is selling out. Someone must’ve shown him a graph similar to the one I’ve constructed below.

He was just missing the y-axis all this time.

Phlegm on a plane!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’m flying to Chicago tomorrow morning for a little mini vacation from whatever it is I do.

My friend Kevin and I are visiting Tony, some jerk we know from high school. Factoid: Tony’s nickname was Garden Hose in college.

Like any trip or major holiday, it looks like I’ll have some kind of cold to battle.


Star Jones before gastric bypass

I know I’ve got at least three ounces of phlegm in these lungs. Does that mean I need to take my lungs out and put them in a Ziplog bag for carry-on?

How do you look in spandex?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I don’t qualify for this Craig’s List posting, so I thought you might want to know about it (bold mine).

Are you interested in becoming a Marvel Super Hero?

A leading staffing agency is currently looking for talent to portray a famous action hero for upcoming live appearances in leading retail stores all over the nation! We are looking for responsible, creative, funny, and smart MALES to portray our client’s characters. You must be between 5’10” to 6’3″ tall, be physically fit and in shape to wear the spandex costume (spandex is not forgiving).

TO BE CONSIDERED YOU MUST:
-Include (2) current photos; at least one showing your body
-current stats (age, height, weight, waist size)
-CONTACT phone number
-WHICH CITY YOU ARE APPLYING TO WORK IN!!

LOCATION:
Kansas City, Missouri

Dates and Times:
Saturday, November 3rd
(10:00am-2:00pm)

Pay:
$80 for the Day

In no way could I get hired for this, but I’m feeling the need to send a shirtless picture in. More to come…

If you thought it was funny the first time…

Posted on by Matt Stooks

“If you thought Superbad was funny the first time, just wait ’til you see it the second time.”

I’m not trying to pick on Superbad, as I would like to see it, but I’ve had enough of this “If you thought (blank) was (blank) the first time, just wait ’til you see it the second time” type of advertising.

How are they making good on their promise of “wait ’til you see it the second time?” Are they adding hilarious scenes to the movie weeks after it comes out? Are they giving out prizes for second-time viewers? No. They do nothing. Unacceptable.

Here’s how I propose fixing the problem:

“If you thought Superbad was funny the first time, just wait ’til you see it the second time. You see, you probably didn’t notice that if you watch the movie like it’s a Magic Eye, the movie morphs into a montage of midget clowns riding ponies and throwing whipped cream pies at each other.”

Hello? Hollywood? Why isn’t my phone ringing?



Running yourself to death

Posted on by Matt Stooks

This article’s way too long to read, but I get the impression that it proves, once and for all, that endurance training makes you age quickly.

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: Endurance training is antithetical to anti-aging. So it amazes me when guys in their 40s and 50s who are training for a marathon or Ironman suggest that doing so will keep them young. It won’t. You may feel like a stud now with your shaved legs and your magic marker biceps tattoos, but endurance training speeds up the aging process almost as fast as watching TV, drinking sodas and eating potato chips. Actually, in some cases, it speeds it up even faster.

I didn’t bother reading beyond this opening paragraph, or do any further research on my own, but there it is. On the Internet. Proof of what I’ve always hoped.

Fellow lazy asses: we’re getting drunk, eating pizza, and smoking Marlboro Reds tonight.

Poor Overland Park RV and Boat Owner

Posted on by Matt Stooks

From the KC Star’s Letters to the Editor:

Overland Park is very close to changing its ordinance (PMV-2577) regarding parking and storage of RVs and boats…

Even though we will be grandfathered, it will be at a great financial burden to comply with the outrageous screening and side yard requirements.

Storage of RVs over 8 feet tall will not be allowed in the side yards any longer. Furthermore, screening to a height of 8 feet or more will be required on three sides of the RVs. Boats will not be allowed to be stored at all on the driveways and all open parts of boats must be covered with covers that are custom fit to the contours of the boat. The custom fit cover must be designed, manufactured and tailored to closely fit the body style and size group of the specific make, model and year of the item to be covered.

Stop being silly, upset Overland Park RV and Boat Owner. If you wanted to park your rusted-out boat and RV in your front yard with your ’83 LeBaron on cinder blocks, you chose the wrong city to live in. Jeez.

On the other hand, I’d hate to further burden financially strapped RV and boat owners in Overland Park.

Urinal carpet

Posted on by Matt Stooks

On my return trip from Big Lake, Missouri, I had the honor of discovering an interesting restroom configuration.

As you know, most gas station restrooms are filthy, especially when located off the Interstate. While this restroom was clean and tidy, someone made the curious choice of putting a carpet square under the urinal.

Yes, taking a photo in a public restroom is as awkward as you think. Luckily, no one with a wide stance or otherwise was occupying the restroom.

So, why would you put a carpet square under the urinal? Here are the only reasons I could come up with.

1. To soak up piss for easy cleanup
2. Piss puddles are less apparent when soaked in carpet
3. It really brings a heretofore neglected sense of warmth to the urinal

RIP: The "Wide Stance"

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Thanks to Larry Craig, law-abiding visitors to public restrooms can no longer sit upon the toilet with a wide stance.

The senator then tapped his right foot, “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct,” Karsnia wrote, and Craig ran his left hand several times underneath the partition dividing the stalls.

The officer then showed his police identification under the divider and pointed toward the exit “at which time the defendant exclaimed `No!'” the complaint said.

When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that “he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom” and that was why his foot may have touched the officer’s, the report said.

Botox, moles and a flashback clip

Posted on by Matt Stooks
Chris: wtf
Chris: why would you tell me that
Chris: when im about to eat, ass
Stooks: it reminded me of cindy crawford’s mole
Stooks: i’m going to put that factoid up with the flashback audio
Chris: so does jose canseco
Chris: i see
Stooks: jose canseco reminds me of aaron neville’s mole, not cindy crawford’s
Chris: aaron nevilles mole never took steroids
Stooks: bs
Chris: although that would explain the high voice
Stooks: and the mole acne
Chris: uncontrollable mole rage
Chris: the mole killed several other moles then attempted to hang itself

(1:33 podcast) Here’s a flashback that helps make sense of it all.

The good thing about spam

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Sick of dealing with spam? How about phishing?

You could blame people who are dense enough to fall for spam or phishing expeditions for enabling this type of activity.

Or you could rest easy knowing that you’re on the smarter side of the population.

I do both.

Mascot wanted

Posted on by Matt Stooks

In my daily perusal of Craig’s List for marketing gigs, I found this (emphasis mine):

We are looking for two individuals who are hard working and need a little extra cash. The job is to dress up as a mascot and wave to children during author signing. We are in need of two mascots for this upcoming event. The event will be held at Sam’s Club, 8300 West 135th Street, Overland Park, KS. Pay rate is $10.00 per hour. The schedule will be Friday, August 31, 2007 from 12 noon to 6pm. The mascots will be Thumbs Up Johnnie a thumb print and Banker Bill a $10 bill.

We will need a highly energetic person. Great for a college student. The person will be wearing a costume that consists of black tights, black long sleeved shirt, over that would be a large body hat, gloves and spats that will cover their own shoes. Everything for the costume is provided for them. They will not have to do any talking; however, will need to show a friendly non-threatening demeanor.

Let’s break it down:

1. Hard work = Waving at children
2. Pay rate is $10/hr = Desperate for cash or really creepy?
3. Highly energetic = Waving at children takes lots of energy.
4. Non-threatening demeanor = Don’t chase the children while wielding a chainsaw and dressed as a $10 bill. We learned our lesson last time.