A good alternative to a raft requires a good ab workout to maintain.
The bird sleeping under the hood
On our trip back from Big Lake, Missouri, a bird flew right into the path of Chris’ Ranger at 65 miles an hour. The bird, who we’ll call “Hoodie” for short, was waiting for us when we got home two hours later.
KC Media and the Internet
Yesterday, I posted the audio of Jose Guillen blowing his l lid. I couldn’t find audio or video of it anywhere, so I started streaming and rolling tape on 810 WHB. I wanted to capture it and share it with people who were looking for it on a little thing called “The Internet.” Heard of it? My timing was perfect as 810 had just started the clip when I started recording.
Here’s a look at the search traffic to MattStooks.com for today.
Jose Guillen and the Royals collapse are huge news in Kansas City. Every media company in Kansas City had this audio, yet I’m getting all the search traffic for it because no one posted or tagged it correctly.
As of this writing, Matt Stooks.com is number one on Google for “jose guillen tirade” and “jose guillen tirade audio.”
Matt Stooks.com is number three on Google for “jose guillen’s tirade,” number four for “audio of jose guillen going off,” number 10 for “jose guillen audio,” and number 13 for “jose guillen outburst audio.”
None of the other results have the audio.
I’m just a random Royals fan in my home office, I shouldn’t be getting all this traffic. Believe it or not, “MattStooks.com” isn’t exactly the destination for Kansas City news, sports and information. Every media outlet in town should easily outrank me on this. Pathetic. Meanwhile, I’m always looking for more work…contact me here.
Grimace: The Walking Purple Candy Corn
I’ve figured out Grimace. He’s a walking purple candy corn.
Jose Guillen’s tirade
It took me forever to find audio of Jose Guillen going off on his teammates, so I thought you might like to hear it.
Guillen Outburst Tirade Explosion Cursing And Sounding All Around Upset (1:10 mp3)
Podcast: Download (554.3KB)
Nice work, KC Star
I’m loving the placement of the “How will the Royals lose tonight?” poll on the Kansas City Star front page.
You click through, and the poll is pretty classic.
Yes, the Royals are bad
Thanks to my brother Bob for making me realize just how bad the Royals are.
Wow. Just, wow. What a collapse, what a horrible team, what a long baseball season. Something has to be done to shake up the roster, today. And Nunez going on the DL doesn’t count. The only good thing that came out of last night’s game was Guillen’s tirade in the locker room. That was great stuff. Lots of bleeps. My favorite part was when he said (paraphrasing), “Now I know why this organization loses every year. Now I know.” Welcome to the club, Jose.
My full geek unleashed
Command center complete.
I turned my 20-inch widescreen on its side so I can stack my personal gmail and my professional Google Apps mail on top of each other.
Jenna = Hillary
Jenna Jameson lost her mind.
“Being taken seriously as a woman has been the hardest challenge to overcome in show business,” Jenna said. “It took me a long time to make my company successful, and even now it isn’t exactly easy.”
This challenge wouldn’t be so hard if she hadn’t been “seriously” plowed on tape and displayed to the world repeatedly. Looking good at sex and throwing out gratuitous moans does not an actress make. I also love this “as a woman” line she drops. Last I checked, Ron Jeremy wasn’t competing for gigs with Philip Seymour Hoffman. This woman is not Hillary Clinton.
Her first non-porn flick “Zombie Strippers” received a limited release in April and, well, didn’t exactly bust any box-office records. Jameson also didn’t make the Maxim “Hot 100” list, even though she attended the party. But such setbacks certainly haven’t hindered her confidence in the cutthroat terrain of Tinseltown.
“I rank myself as the hottest,” she said. “If I didn’t, I would be lying.”
Now, we know she’s gone mad. She didn’t make the Hot 100 for a reason, and it’s for morphing into the creature you see below.
Jenna, amazingly, without her Zombie Stripper makeup
When you base your career on taking dick in front of a camera, you will stop getting work when you get old – even if you hide it under massive amounts of plastic surgery. It’s a fairly simple concept.
Quickly: On corn
Eating corn on consecutive days makes for fun trips to the bathroom.
Let’s do this, planet Earth!
Firefox wants to set a Guinness record for most downloads in a day with its release of Firefox 3. Go to this website to pledge your support for “Download Day.” One problem: they haven’t quite announced when Firefox 3 will be available. Shouldn’t they get that figured out first?
Okay, she did not go away
On May 6th, the media proclaimed Obama the nominee. The news reports said Hillary was canceling all her public appearances for the next day.
This led to my post “She’s going away?!”
Look at the question mark followed by the exclamation point in that headline.
She’s going away?!
It was as if I were a child – “She’s going away? You mean she’s really going away?! Hooray!” I was skeptical, but I wanted to believe she’d actually chill out a bit.
Three weeks later, she’s still here. That question mark should’ve been in a bigger font.
Hillary shouldn’t drop out because she’s hurting Obama, but because she has turned into a ridiculous clown, worthy of healthy amounts of satire. It didn’t even enter her mind that talking about Robert Kennedy’s assassination happening in June would raise eyebrows?
I shudder every time I hear her speak.
Weird sidenote: I was searching Google Video for Hillary Clinton, so you could listen to her latest ramblings. I sorted by date. Here’s a screenshot:
Uh, I’d try to fix that, Google.
Okay, I’ll leave you with some Hillary nonsense.
Sharon Stone: Fit to cross and uncross her legs
Sharon Stone said a horrible earthquake in China was karma for the way China treated Tibet and the Dalai Lama.
She went on to say China was “not being nice to the Dalai Lama, who’s a good friend of mine.” I hear they have had some epic pillow fights.
I can’t wait for one of the presidential candidates to have to denounce and reject Sharon Stone’s endorsement.
Dammit mom
You had to go and warn me about cottonwood allergies at Big Lake. I had to go and call “nonsense” on that. I woke up today and my throat was killing me. I guess it’s Claritin season, after all.
Oprah’s detox diet
Oprah’s going on a 21-day cleanse diet. Here’s to hoping that petrified Twinkee from 1984 finally dislodges from her lower intestinal wall.
Graduation and the fat man
It’s a beautiful Sunday in Lawrence, Kansas. You’re a proud mom – your little girl is graduating from KU today. Your husband and your 14-year-old daughter are along for the festivities.
Days don’t get much better than this. It’s eleven o’clock, the sky is blue, the temperature is 70. Downtown Lawrence was made for days like these. Graduation is several hours away – enough time for lunch and some shopping.
Your husband feeds the parking meter that doesn’t need feeding on Sundays, when you turn to see a shirtless fat man asleep on a bench outside The Replay Lounge.
Your brain swells with confusion at the visual bombardment.
The whole torso.
Just the gut.
The look on his face.
The areola.
The discarded wifebeater behind him.
The likely stash of bread tucked under his arm.
You stare at this fat man for what seems like hours before your husband nudges you down the sidewalk. You manage to put the man out of your head, thanks to clothing stores.
Two hours after the encounter, that obese guy enters your mind while you eat a Chocolate Caramel Heaven at Coldstone Creamery.
You wonder who that man was. Why was he so large and asleep with his shirt off on that bench?
Then, you begin to worry. You hope that man wasn’t dying on that bench. Did you even check to see if he was breathing? Surely you would’ve noticed his giant gut inflating, right? You don’t remember it. You are so panicked now that you are just barely going to be able to choke down the rest of your dense dessert.
On the walk back to the car, your stomach churns nervously. You can feel the fat man’s bench approaching from a block out. Would he be a corpse yet? Would his lifeless body be decomposing right on the bench? Or would emergency personnel have carted him away in some kind of extra-large ambulance?
When you arrive, you almost feel disappointed at the lack of police tape around the man’s bench.
You can’t even find an ass-crack moisture mark on the wood bench. Damn sun must’ve dried it up.
But the wifebeater remains.
Ten feet ahead, some guy is playing a flute made out of bottles. He’s just the distraction you need. You quickly pick up the wifebeater, smell it, and tuck it away in your purse. Time for graduation.
I’m getting dorkier
I ordered a 24-inch widescreen monitor to fill in the empty space on my monitor shelf – the 20-inch widescreen just doesn’t take up enough room. Mac Mini will run across both big displays, and the XP laptop will stay where it is. I need more reasons to never leave this room.
The “after” picture should be a tad better.
Miniature, Maxiature, Ature
In the spirit of “miniature,” I’d like us to start using the words “maxiature” and plain old “ature” to describe the size of things.
Spread the words.
A message for News Corp
Dear News Corp,
I know it’s in your interest to keep everyone stupid as shit, but do I really need to click 15 times to post a blog or do anything of significance on MySpace? The economy must really be hurting our boy Rupert Murdoch right now, otherwise you’d think he’d freshen this turd up.
Love always,
Matt
Lawrence Street Performers
Campus Cops on Segways
Why we’re paying out the ass for gas
Some highlights from an interesting read:
Many blame record prices on Wall Street investors new to the oil market, saying they’re bidding up gas prices to artificially high levels – and soaking drivers.
As oil nears $130 a barrel, some say $10 to $70 of that price is due to Wall Street speculation.
Others say big-fund money is making it harder for traditional oil speculators to do their job. This camp says big funds distort traditional models used to predict prices and think $130 oil is a bubble ready to pop.
…
If anyone is to blame, he says, it’s the Federal Reserve, which has been predictably cutting interest rates since August to shore up credit markets. When interest rates fall, investors flock to commodities as an inflation hedge.
…
“After Israel invaded Lebanon, Hurricane Katrina, 9/11, all of these situations, we haven’t seen prices rise to these levels,” said AAA spokesman Geoff Sundstrom. “We have to wonder if the foundation behind these very high prices is nothing more than speculation.”
It’s about time, bitches
An Ohio-based group of Democratic Hillary Clinton supporters say they’ll work actively against Sen. Barack Obama if he becomes the nominee, arguing that Clinton has been the subject of “intense sexism” by party leaders and the media. “We have been vigilant against expressions of racism, and we are thrilled that the society has advanced that way” in accepting Obama as a serious candidate,” Ruccia said. “But it’s been open season on women, and we feel we need to stand up and make a statement about that, because it’s wrong.”
I totally agree. I mean, come on, has anyone even noticed the black guy’s skin color or pastor? Yet, the media won’t shut up about Hillary’s cycles, cheating husband and that one time when she cried like a silly little girl. Dumb women.
Britney + Mel = OMFGWTF!
Huh?
Britney Spears and Mel Gibson are currently en route to Costa Rica on vacation together! Britney arrived on time, about 5 minutes after Mel, and the plane departed at 9:05 a.m.
We spotted them leaving on a private plane to the Central American state early this morning. Sources tell us that Mel is taking Britney and her father Jamie for a mini-vacation. We’ve learned they will be guests at Mel’s home in Costa Rica.
These two could get quite ugly together.
Show me the freak girl!
Doctors removed what they thought was a 9-year-old girl’s tumor, but turned out to be her dead twin, from her stomach.
Andreas Markou, head of the hospital’s pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.
The girl’s selfish family doesn’t want her name revealed. This girl needs to be on Oprah along with a photo array displaying the creature that resided in her belly for nine years. Unfortunately, her parents want to give their child a normal life rather than cashing in on a sure thing. Fools.
My camera turned me more evil
My neighbors are getting married this weekend. Stephen invited me over yesterday to enjoy smoked chicken and Boulevard Wheat with some friends and family.
His future brother-in-law had a full-grown, three-pound dog of some sort (I’m no dog expert).
I noticed a hawk circling above and wondered out loud whether the hawk was looking to make a meal out of this small animal. The owners seemed concerned, and I responded with “Yeah, it would be terrible. I don’t have my camera on me.”
Olive Garden Diet
We got a pan of Olive Garden lasagna for dinner on Mother’s Day. I got three servings out of the leftovers to take home.
Here’s what my diet has been since Sunday:
Sunday night: Olive Garden Lasagna
Monday lunch: Olive Garden Lasagna
Monday dinner: Olive Garden Lasagna
Tuesday lunch: Olive Garden Lasagna
My innards are surprisingly intact.
No pay at the pump? Screw that gas station.
Mom-and-pop service stations are running into a problem as gasoline marches toward $4 a gallon: Thousands of old-fashioned pumps can’t register more than $3.99 on their spinning mechanical dials.
Many of the same pumps can only count up to $99.99 for the total sale, preventing owners of some SUVs, vans, trucks and tractor-trailers to fill their tanks all the way.
I guess the gas pump company didn’t understand the laws of supply and demand as it pertains to a non-renewable fossil fuel. Either that, or they figured we wouldn’t still be powering our cars this way.
It’s amazing that more people aren’t absolutely astonished at how expensive gas became in such a short period of time. It’s four times more expensive than it was ten years ago. It won’t be long before kids think I’m elderly because I was alive when gas was 89 cents.
Junction City at 600 feet
You know those red lights on radio towers? Someone has to change those light bulbs. This is the view of a tower climber at the top of the KJCK-FM (Power Hits 97.5) tower, 600 feet in the air (click for large image).
Gladiators return
American Gladiators showed up on my DVR – new season, baby!
Here’s the episode description:
A single mother takes on a Chernobyl survivor; a store owner battles with a carpenter.
This Chernobyl survivor better be deformed. Update: No visible deformation.
It’s a 2-hour episode. Is that necessary? I have no problem completely shutting off my brain for one hour, but two hours is just enough time for my drool to dry and crust by the end of the show. Thank God I can fast forward.
Check out this exchange at the top of the show:
Hulk Hogan: Welcome, one and all, to the biggest, baddest, prime-time competition on Earth! We’ve got a brand new arena, brand new Gladiators, brand new events, and Laila even has a brand new baby on the way!
Laila Ali: That’s right, Hulk! And we cannot wait for all the action!
What does Laila Ali’s baby have to do with anything in that sentence? Is this the only place they could find to put a “Yes, Laila’s largess is due to pregnancy” line? Or is Laila Ali’s childbirth going to play a role on the show? If so, I think I can wait for the action, Laila. I don’t need to see any placentas flying out of you.
Wolf is back. If you didn’t know, his real name is Hollywood Yates, and he’s a badass dancer. You should also check out his homepage.
“Howl.”
Note: This post contained the phrase “due to.” Many people aren’t aware of the difference between “because of” and “due to.” If you Google “because of due to,” the first result is the explanation from my old badass copyediting teacher at KU. See what you’re missing out on here. Or don’t. You’ll be the one writing and speaking foolishly.