Matt Stooks

Old woman, no!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I went to Target for some Christmas shopping.

Rather than having doors that slide open.

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Target has traditional automatic doors that fold open.

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As I approached the store, I noticed an old woman trying to escape from the entrance.  She was standing about two inches from the glass, her cane helping to prop her up.  She stared straight out the door, wondering why it wouldn’t open for her.

I realized I needed to halt my approach immediately, as the door would sense me, swing open and jack one of the cutest old ladies ever.

I raised my hands in a sort of “WATCH OUT!” manner.  My efforts backfired.  As my hands waived in desperation, they triggered the door sensor, and the old lady took a decent blow from the automatic door.

She stumbled through the now-open door.  I asked if she was alright.  She responded with an apology for her mistake.  I can’t believe she apologized.  I wanted to say so much more, but the whole interaction rendered me a mute.

I wish I would’ve hugged that old woman.  She was so precious and sweet.  The least I could’ve done was given her a piggyback ride to her car.  But I was in shock.  I never thought I would injure one of the cutest old women ever.

Say it ain’t so, Dolph

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’m watching one of the multi-weekly airings of Rocky IV on TV.

I remembered hearing that Dolph Lundgren, aka “The Russian,” was some kind of genius. I went to his Wikipedia page for a refresher.  He has a master’s degree in chemical engineering. I was a little thrown off when I learned he was Swedish.  All this time, I figured he was Russian.  His Wikipedia entry says he speaks a bunch of languages. Notice anything odd in the excerpt below?

He speaks five languages: Swedish, English, German, French, Spanish, some Japanese, and some Italian.

You read correctly.  The guy who played the Russian in Rocky IV speaks at least some of seven different languages, none of them Russian.

Is “ya she blah” even Russian?  Or is just some kind of Dolph gibberish?  What if I had gone to Russia and said “ya she blah” to a native?  They’d probably laugh in my face.

I downloaded the Russian national anthem because of this movie?  And why does the audience start clapping and cheering before Rocky’s “If I can change, you can change, everyone can change” speech is fully translated?  I feel so betrayed by this movie right now.  I don’t want to talk about it.

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Smarter than Brigitte Nielson, equally as Russian

Side note: The cable company ran an EAS Test right in the middle of Rocky IV. WTF?  You do not disrespect Rocky like that!  Unless it’s Rocky V.

What to tell the children

Posted on by Matt Stooks

So, you thought Nickelodeon could raise your kids.

Then, by the time you found out that Britney Spears 16-year-old sister was part of Nickelodeon’s brand of child rearing, she was already knocked up.

Then, the media started running stories on what to tell your children. The storyline was frightening.

“Whether or not moms are ready to have this conversation with tweens, it is being brought up. When tweens are searching the Internet for this character who they like, they are going to find this information on her, they are going to see her on the magazine cover and they are going to hear about it at school.”

Luckily, Christmas break is upon us. With school out, parents have a chance to do some actual parenting…in the form of keeping their tweens away from this news at all costs. You see, Nickelodeon is planning a special about sex and love. If parents can wait this out, Nickelodeon can take over the parental role once again. The parents and Nickelodeon win. The tweens? Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

The War on Christmas

Posted on by Matt Stooks

The “War on Christmas” continues, with no end in sight. The American people grow weary of this never-ending war, as reality sets in. How can you win such a war? The enemy isn’t one country, it’s an ideology.

Those who celebrate Christmas are asking: Why do they hate us? They hate what we see right in our living rooms: meticulously decorated Christmas trees. Their pine trees are unadorned and naked. They hate our traditions: our singing of carols, our hanging of stockings, our desire to put milk and cookies in Santa’s belly.

With every Christmas sign that comes down, and every “Happy Holidays” sign that goes up, they hope that America forgets Jesus, retreating from Rudolph and forsaking the nose that once led the way.

We are not deceived by their pretenses to non-piety. We have seen their kind before. They are the heirs of Ebenezer Scrooge, The Grinch, and Zack Morris’ mom from the Saved by the Bell episode where they did A Christmas Carol. By sacrificing wreaths to serve their secular visions, by abandoning every urge to give things wrapped in multi-colored paper, they follow in the path of the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph. And they will follow that path all the way to where it ends: in a vast forrest overpopulated with Balsam Fir trees.

Americans are asking: How will we fight and win this war? We will direct every resource at our command — every means of scotch tape, every cup of nog, every Salvation Army Bell Ringer, every living Nativity, and every necessary weapon of goodwill — to the disruption and to the defeat of the global “We’re a bunch of crybabies who don’t like Christmas” network.

Fellow citizens, we’ll meet secularism with cookies shaped like Christmas trees — assured of the rightness of our scented candles, and confident of the presents to come for all children who’ve done good this past year. In all that lies before us, may Santa grant us wisdom, and may He remember to take his Lactaid before flying over the United States of America.

Thank you.

Those Worrisome Teens

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There’s a new study out on teens. I’m as shocked as you are to find out that teens socialize outside the Internet (bold mine).

Nearly 40 percent of teens say they talk to friends on a traditional wired phone every day, and 35 percent say they do so on cell phones, the Pew Internet and American Life Project said Wednesday, analyzing its phone surveys from late 2006. Thirty-one percent of teens say they spend time in person with friends every day.

Damn you, teens! Why must your behavior puzzle us so? One minute, you’re all online hooking up and smoking marijuana cigarettes with pedophiles. The next minute, you’re all hanging out like you’re Ralph Malph and Potsie from Happy Days. Give us grownups a break, already! The next study on teens better exhibit more stereotypical behavior, or else!

Itchy Socks

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Dammit.

My socks are itching me.

Yes, I could do something about it, but my feet are all the way at the other end of my body. I’m reclining with my computer on my lap, further complicating the situation.

Aha! My big toes were able to force the socks away from my affected ankles. It’s times like these that I appreciate my feet extending beyond my ankles to my toes. Those toes sure come in handy sometimes, don’t they?

Whoops, now my underwear is itching me. Come on up here, big toe.

Parenting tips

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Ha. I love when real-life stories are funnier than something The Onion could come up with. Poor Britney’s mom.

Lynne Spears’ book about parenting has been delayed indefinitely, her publisher said Wednesday. Lindsey Nobles, a spokeswoman for Christian book publisher Thomas Nelson Inc., said Wednesday that the memoir by the mother of Britney Spears was put on hold last week.

She declined to comment on whether the delay was connected to the revelation that Spears’ 16-year-old daughter, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant.

I hope Kirk Cameron‘s mom doesn’t cancel her book on Wicca.

Another defeat for the mustache

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Kansas Attorney General Paul Morrison resigned the other day, as a sex scandal raged.

While this is a major blow to the Kansas Democratic Party, it is an even bigger blow to the mustache.

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The mustache is an endangered species nationwide, but it seems as if the climate for mustaches in Kansas has become unbearable. Morrison’s resignation comes on the heels of another prominent defeat for the stache in the state, the BTK serial killer.

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Hollywood isn’t exactly fighting the good fight against mustache decline, either. Long past are the days when you could expect to see a stache immediately after turning on a TV.

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Luckily, we still have one man fighting the good fight, not only against mustache extinction, but also against all things give-me-a-break worthy.

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John Stossel, blazed out of his mind

Steroids and Soft Rock

Posted on by Matt Stooks

With all the world’s problems behind us, what should Congress do? Hold hearings on steroids!

This type of nonsense has no business wasting elected officials’ time. Now, when are we going to get that resolution declaring Dan Fogelberg’s life and works highly underrated? Or is that lowly underrated? Hmmmm. Whatever the case, you know we’d be dissecting Fogelberg’s lyrics had he smothered his wife and kid in a hazy, roid-induced rampage. Or had he broke the home run record.

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For full effect, listen with hot cocoa

Santa’s Deb

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Awhile back, we did a show on Santa’s Deb.

Santa’s Deb is a Kansas City dog groomer, writer and owner of this van:

Santa’s Deb used to have a website that had a really odd message from Santa. Santa talked about how great Santa’s Deb’s children’s books were. Santa finished his message “In Jesus Christ’s name, Santa.”

I had a secret link to Santa’s Deb’s webpage on my old site.  A couple of my readers told me santasdeb.com no longer existed, and that Santa’s Deb closed her dog grooming business’ storefront. Upon hearing this devastating news, a Google search satisfied my Santa’s Deb craving.

Craiglist Post #1

Delightful Christian Christmas Children’s Story

Reply to: see below
Date: 2007-12-01, 5:38PM CSTHow Santa’s Deb Saved ChristmasIt’s a delightful story that will make you HO, HO, HO,
HEE, HEE,HEE and HA, HA, HA. $20

My cause is to help KC Housing Association.
Percentage of proceedings to go to help make it so KC can have a Christmas
void of so many foreclosures…

It is in promotion stage done by author herself. It is copyrighted and trademarked.

It would make a nice keepsake or wonderful children’s holiday gift.

Craigslist Post #2

A Miracle For KC

Reply to: see below
Date: 2007-12-07, 12:11AM CSTA Miracle For KC. A business or organization willing to step out in faith make my book “How Santa’s Deb Saved Christmas” into movie.Proceeds to help people with foreclosures going to Greater KC Housing Association.

WTF!!!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I moved my website to a new server and changed my blogging software from Blogger to WordPress. So far, I want to punch someone. Keep your distance.

UPDATE: Yes, I’m aware that “WTF” traditionally precedes a question mark. However, in this instance, I felt three exclamation points were more appropriate. I am exclaiming “WTF!!!” I don’t expect anyone to give an answer to “WTF,” the question. Understand? Good.

BREAKING: Steroids!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

America took it right in the kisser yesterday. The Mitchell Report lists 86 players connected to performance-enhancing drugs. That’s right, a bunch of baseball players have used steroids. If only we would’ve seen this coming.

I heard a lot of commentary that focused on a weird angle: Not only did superstars take steroids, but some third stringers who never got playing time took steroids. This is surprising how?

Poor Mike Sweeney. He wasn’t on the list, but that’s almost as damaging as if he were.

If he was in the report, everyone would’ve said “See, he only had a couple of good years because he was on steroids. And then got hurt all the time because of it.”

But, he’s not in the report. So, you should be saying “See, if Mike Sweeney would’ve taken steroids he wouldn’t have gotten hurt all the time.”

Missing curtains found

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Missing some burgundy curtains? I think the Watson’s Girl is wearing them.

I’m sure the Watson’s Girl goes to lots of naked hot tub parties as part of her hot-tub-selling duties. Maybe someone stole her clothes, and she had no choice but to confiscate the curtains, as she was headed to a Watson’s commercial shoot in less than an hour. That’s the only scenario I find reasonable for this outfit.

Thanks for ruining Junior, scientists!

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Some scientists were bored one day, so they thought they’d piss all over our already-damaged childlike innocence.

With all that growing weight up front, how is it that pregnant women don’t lose their balance and topple over? Scientists think they’ve found the answer: There’s are slight differences between women and men in one lower back vertebrae and a joint in the hip, which allow women to adjust their center of gravity.

Do you realize what this means? We’ve got some serious evolutionary hurtles to overcome before a man can carry a baby like in Junior, one of the best Schwarzenegger-Devito classics.

Sure, men could finish out their pregnancies in wheelchairs, but I doubt that’s a healthy practice. Sorry, ladies. It looks like you’ll either have to start handing over some vertebra, or keep tackling the practice of pregnancy on your own.

CNN’s Turd-O-Meter

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CNN grabbed a handful of undecided Iowa voters, gave them a rotary dial and threw them in a room during the Republican debate Wednesday.

If a candidate said something the voters liked, the voters would turn their knobs to the right, indicating a positive reaction. If a candidate said something the voters didn’t like, the voters would turn their knobs to the left, indicating a negative reaction.

Then, CNN mashed the real-time responses with the video and fed it to us as news.

Check out the negative reaction to Alan Keyes.

Why did Keyes score so lowly? I’ve thought of three possible reasons.

a. He was being a dick (my personal selection)
b. Alan Keyes is running for president?
c. Who let the black guy in the Republican debate?

This is such trashy news coverage. What does a viewer gain from seeing how a tiny group of people react, moment by moment, to what a candidate says? I can see a politician putting together such a focus group, but not a major news operation. Report the facts. “You decide!” CNN has turned into such a shithole since Fox News started kicking its ass. Note: This is not an endorsement for Fox News.

Who wants to smoke a bowl and listen to NPR?

What you’re missing on MySpace

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If you don’t have a MySpace account (my page here), you’re missing out on a whole different world of advertising.


Screenshot. Sorry, you can’t play.

It kind of sucks for the dude (he’s a dude, right?) in the picture. I’m guessing he didn’t get paid much to play the humiliating role of “Guess the Gender” question.

I was so caught up in the ad’s concept, I totally forgot to guess. No flirting quiz for me. Now I’ll never get a woman.

1 of 1000 things wrong with Time Warner

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Time Warner’s DVR remote has a really stupid feature, the “Master Power” button. The button seems to randomly decide whether it will function as a master power or as a power button for the currently selected device. So, when your cable box turns itself off for no reason, you’ll press the CBL, then the power button, yet the remote will sometimes send a power signal to all of your devices, turning off the TV in the process.

There are about 50 buttons on the remote, why can’t we have separate power and master power buttons? I can’t believe I’m writing about this.

It’s icy!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

It’s icy and, therefore, cold outside. This is a nuisance. Haven’t you figured this out for yourself?

Now, I finally know why Octobaby got rid of her extra limbs. That’s way too much surface area to keep warm.


Six-legged long johns don’t come cheap

The Little Drummer Boy

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Poor Baby Jesus. First, he gets gold, a gift his non-materialistic world view could never appreciate. Then, he gets frankincense and myrrh, incenses he would only be able to appreciate in his later, hippie years. Finally, he gets bombarded with a surely horrifying, erratic drum performance from the Little Drummer Boy. Last I checked, a pounding drum doesn’t exactly provide a soothing soundtrack for a newborn baby or his parents.

And how delusional is the Little Drummer Boy? Just look at the final lyrics of his song.

Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.

He’s smiling because you stopped the incessant flailing of your limbs at your cheap drum, Little Drummer Boy. Shame on you. You’re lucky Jesus is pretty laid back.

ROBOT ATTACK IMMINENT!!!

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I hoped I wouldn’t ever have to do this, but the day has come. Our country is facing impeding doom from robots.

The signs weren’t immediately evident when they arrived 25 years ago, but time has exposed their insurrection. That’s right, we can longer afford to ignore the Pat Sajak and Vanna White problem.


Sell your soul to the Wheel Watchers Club for eternal, Sajak-like life

Vanna is 50, and Pat is an astounding 61 years old. No human skin can endure that many years under any light, let alone the bright lights of Hollywood and the cancerous California sun. Yet, Pat and Vanna stare, unblemished and eerily, through our TV screens each night as if it were still 1982’s Wheel of Fortune.

At best, Sajak and Vanna’s plastic surgeon is a witch doctor. At worst, Sajak and Vanna accomplish their youth by feasting on the brains of premature babies. I don’t want to find out which is the truth.

Sean Penn is a neocon

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Scenario time. You passionately oppose the war in Iraq. You feel the need to speak out, but you know that every time you speak, you’re only hurting your cause. People who’ve come to hate the war, now like it to spite you. Why would you continue to speak? It’s because your name is Sean Penn, and you’re either a moron or a neoconservative in disguise (his latest ramblings here).

This isn’t an improvement

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I guess I complained too early about the media name-dropping the Nebraska mall shooter.

Now, we’re getting video footage of him walking into the mall and cocking his AK-47. Is our media capable of any restraint? Am I a moron to think this encourages other “troubled teens” to go psycho in front of security cameras?

Politicians and the media are always competing for my hatred. I never thought I’d say the media were winning that battle.