Ellen’s hosting The Oscars. WEAK! Paris Hilton’s blood alcohol level was only a .08 when she got her DUI. Any less, and she would’ve been free to go. That was at the scene, so chances are she blew even better at the police station and may get off. What? Even worse non-celeb Kimberly Stewart was…
We weren’t really feeling a talk topic today, so just a couple of clips. This guy isn’t happy about Twix bars. Steve Schnell’s “Stooks in the Morning really blows today” Report.
Leo There’s more to this relationship than meets the eye, especially if work matters are involved. Bring your full commitment to this enterprise, as well as a willingness to explore all of the possibilities, including a ball gag. Sagittarius You’re an ‘action speaks louder than words’ kind of person, but the stars encourage you to…
BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton was arrested just after midnight Thursday for DUI. Emilio Estevez is getting married. “I’m relevant enough to make mattstooks.com!!!” Jessica Simpson Wednesday! First off, she’s seeming like Ashlee right now: “lost her voice” just in time for her CD release and scheduled “live” performances. She’s also not dating John Mayer or…
I got into a discussion with a group of girls about body hair this weekend in KC. I learned a lot, so I thought we should take this issue to the air. Segment 1 – Body hair at the bar (3:59)Segment 2 – Old Woman wax (3:48)Segment 3 – Hairy legs protect her (2:13)Segment 4…
Aquarius All the right celestial influences are in place to support your wildest dreams. Crazy, unreasonable and outrageous are just labels other people use when they’re too scared. And well they should be, as your plans for a vacuum cleaner attachment that removes small children out of Mangino fat rolls will sweep the nation. Cancer…
Rosie’s getting pretty good reviews after her first appearance on The View. She didn’t even eat Elisabeth Hasselbeck. In all seriousness, she seems to own this show now. Katie Couric made her debut yesterday, too. She even got to unveil a photo of Suri Cruise-Holmes. Don’t get excited. No horns or hooves. We talked about…
Lots of activity on the show after a long weekend. My weekend in KC included a trip to J.C. Penny Outlet Store with my friend, Chris. We saw a pregnant woman, looking overdue and showing a little too much midriff. Segment 1 – Most guys like it (4:59) Segment 2 – “Whack an Outie” (2:41)…
Capricorn What gives? It seems like casual acquaintances understand you better than your closest friends do right now. Sometimes old habits keep loved ones from seeing each other clearly…so does not using Clear Eyes, but your displeasure with Ben Stein will prevent you from ever clearing that hurdle. Gemini Right now, you’d like nothing more…
The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, died today. Discovery was filming Steve at the Greet Barrier Reef. He was swimming above a a group of stingrays. One of them lashed its poisonous tail up to protect itself and speared him in the heart. It’s a very rare occurrence: 17 deaths in 10 years from stingrays. Here’s…
I’ve always maintained that the High Lady can sense when our show needs some help. We had a pretty rough start to Free for All Friday. Until the High Lady Called to talk about the United Pooties or something. Probably the High Lady at her most ridiculous. “America’s best high schools have giant print magazines.”…
Leo There are many benefits to being an adult — no curfew and not having to ask to borrow the car are a few. You can’t get away with looking up schoolgirls skirts as much, though. Sagittarius Push beyond the borders of your comfort zone, even if it’s only in the smallest ways. Try mango-cranberry…
Remember that guy that put together the sculpture of Britney giving birth on that animal rug? He’s now creating “Suri’s Bronzed Baby Poop.” HAHA! Also hearing that we’ll get to see the first photos of Suri in Vanity Fair some time this fall. “Horns? Hooves? Find out this Fall in Vanity Fair!!!” Misleading headline of…
Whoops! I pulled a CNN and forgot to turn my microphone off when I went to the bathroom. “Don’t forget to have your toilet pets spayed or neutered.” A caller talks about Cosmo polls and how John Mayer fits into the picture. Chris’ back has been messed up. Luckily, a chiropractor, without a mustache, calls…
AquariusYou’ve been ready for success — and finally, success is ready for you. This is thrilling — but also just the teensiest bit scary, because Bruce Villanch is the one fluffing success in the backroom so it’s ready for you when it comes out. CancerThere’s more to your life than meets the eye. Pay attention…
Have you noticed how many magazines start existing each day? One called Watch! featured an altered photo of Katie Couric to make her look 20 pounds thinner than she actually is! Actually, the magazine is only available to CBS stations and American Airline passengers (no joke). “Who cares about her waist? They changed her dress!”…
First off, I went to bed at 7 last night and didn’t get a chance to watch Celebrity Duets before the show. I just got done watching it, and it is ridiculous. You have to watch this show just to get a look at Little Richard’s stroke-out sessions. He’s one of the judges. Listen to…
It looks like a guy was trying to kill himself and some woman by driving into the Kansas River near St. George (Between Manhattan and Wamego). Unfortunately, the four-foot deep water wasn’t enough to kill anyone. We talked about ways to die. Segment 1 – How my wife will kill meSegment 2 – HAHAHA! The…
Capricorn You could be facing a budget crunch due to some overenthusiastic spending — or some past generosity could be getting a karmic repayment. Your past finds you when you least expect it. This could go both ways, just like Anne Heche. Gemini It seems like some people are predestined to lose their cool, but…
The Enquirer says Zach Braff asked Jessica Simpson to help reunite him with Mandy Moore. Unfortunately JESSICA SIMPSON HAS LOST HER ABILITY TO SPEAK!!! Jessica Simpson’s dating John Mayer. It looks legit. Check out how vampire-like John Mayer looked on The Today Show last week. Sorry, ladies. Springsteen is not separating from his wife of…
I got an invite to a couples’ shower that I can’t attend this weekend. This “couples’ shower” idea worries me. Segment 1 Segment 2 Guy’s thought bubble: Marriage sucks… In other show activity… Steve Schnell’s “K-State Football Report.” A guy excited about some Harry Potter-related news.
Leo Finding it difficult to get some time for yourself? You have to make it a priority on your own schedule — fight for it if you have to. Spend some time daydreaming, doodling or stocking up on fake Burt Reynold’s moustaches. Sagittarius Inquire within when it comes to unresolved questions. Your highly attuned instincts…
I kinda want to see Andre Agassi play his last tennis matches. The US Open is on USA right now, so I thought I’d watch and see if he was on. Frightening stuff. They were putting a tribute together for Billie Jean King (definitely not Michael’s Lover). You could tell the announcers weren’t really prepared…
From today’s K-State Collegian Classifieds: Help wanted with hog farm. Flexible hours. This inspired us to hold a little “Bitch about your job Monday” session. Segment 1 – School/No Gnomes!Segment 2 – PT Sucks/I clean poo “You should see how I ‘service’ the grease traps on special occasions.” In other show activity… Another edition of…
Aquarius Someone has an agenda that they’re not disguising too well. Rise to the challenge of dealing with them and their ulterior motives. Yours, of all the signs, can do it in a way that’s caring, discreet and allows for an open casket. Cancer It’s time to look at old habits and points of view…
Emmy Stuff! Nice! 24 won Best Drama and Kiefer finally won Best Actor. I think the “Best Miniseries” category exists only to get the likes of Gillian Anderson out of whatever hole she’s been residing in. She didn’t look bad, either. She also didn’t win. Check out this awkward exhange between Ryan Seacrest and Leah…
This woman’s just a little too infatuated with John Mayer. Pluto is no longer a planet, and this guy doesn’t know what to do. Pooping in the woods. Leaving the seat up. Old Woman gives a farewall/Telling your wife you’ve got an STD. Finally, a frightening exchange involving Cindy Crawford’s mole in the Stooks Scoop.…
Capricorn It’s so satisfying to check off the items on your ‘to-do’ list until you reach the end. Don’t try to skip over the item about borrowing your grandpa’s weed eater to clean out your mother’s back hair. Gemini A tiny opportunity to be kind can lead to something big. Help a senior citizen go…
The Hip Hop community hasn’t had good things to say about Kevin Federline’s performance at the Teen Choice Awards. K-Fed is happy with the job he did, though. “I’m happy. I think I pulled it off pretty well. (But) I’m overly critical of myself. We went straight from there and jumped in the Ferrari and…