Matt Stooks

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Katie Holmes bought $3 thousand in lingerie for her wedding this weekend. Maybe they had to pay extra to have anti-Zordon shields sewn in to protect Katie’s areoli from the Scientology goons.

Don’t go there, girl! Oprah didn’t get an invite to the wedding. Oprah says she doesn’t feel dissed, and she even plans on buying them a present: a “remove shoes before jumping on couch” sign.

Freakshow Michael Jackson has a ridiculous amount of press following him around London. Once again, I guess I just don’t get British humor.


Coming soon: Where’s Jacko! Follow the umbrellas, wigs, bleaching cream and noses to find Jacko!

Not until we adopt five more kids: Brad Pitt’s rep put a stop to a mock wedding of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s wax sculptures at Madame Tussauds.

A whole bunch of the suckers in “Borat” are pissed that everyone knows what a bunch of morons they are. Unfortunately, the fools signed away all rights of their image for the movie.

Sacha Baron Cohen, the guy who plays Borat, has signed on to be in Tim Burton’s “Sweeney Todd.” Johnny Depp is in it, of course. Oh yeah, and it’s a musical. Should be pretty odd.

Days of our Lives

Posted on by Matt Stooks

We haven’t had the “Days” segment on the air for more than a year. For some reason, in the last couple months I’ve been bombarded with requests to bring it back.

Ugh.

Here’s the deal: I’ll watch an episode and get as many classic clips out of it that I can. Then, I’ll share them one at a time for each show. If I go back to watching this show every day, that’s it for me.

Enjoy.

Okay, apparently some new actor is playing Shawn, and he’s with some new girl I don’t recognize. Her name is “Willow.” She’s not as cool as the sorcerer.

Sounds like she has a reputation as a bit of a whore

Belle’s not a big fan, either.

I wish they’d bring the old Belle back. She went off a year or two ago to try out a prime time role that only last five episodes or so. Where is she?

Anytime John Black speaks, hilarity ensues.

John Black and Marlena make a breakthrough. They kiss at the end. Listen for it. Then, imagine me struggling to watch it.

Looks like a good spot for Stooks to make an obscure reference to Ipecac syrup.

Oh, I forgot to mention: John is flying a plane for some reason and Patrick may be involved in trying to bring the plane down.

Meanwhile, John and Marlena finished making out, with John dropping the line “Maybe I should put this on autopilot. And Marlena replying “I like it better when you fly manual.” Then their plane starts malfunctioning.

There’s a fun new eye patch character on the show.

He drops a line that only a one-eyed guy could drop. One of the best “Days” lines I’ve ever heard.


“I’m only bearded because my terrible depth perception is killer on shaving.”

Did Patrick knock up Hope? Hope as in “BO” and Hope?

No. It looks like Bo is the father, but Hope thinks Patrick is the baby daddy.

But is she about to find out the truth?

Bo doesn’t know baby-daddy drama, but he does know Patrick is up to no good.

What kind of old person will you be?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Last week, I went to the gas station. As I was about to pay, an old woman came in and made a scene about the credit card machine not reading her card at the pump. She was being unreasonable thinking she might get charged twice. Unreasonable like a fox. I think certain old people take advantage of being old by trying to cheat their way to free gasoline and other various items.

We asked our listeners, what kind of old person will you be?

Segment 1 – I know how the old people operate (2:52)

Segment 2 – The Player (1:00)

Stooksoscope for Tuesday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Focusing on your shortcomings takes the fun out of living and makes you notice others’ shortcomings, too. The power of positive thinking is no joke — the more you do it, the more powerful you’ll feel, even though you have a giant growth under your left eye. Stop picking at it.


Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Distractions may be taking up all of your loved ones’ time at this moment, and you’re at a loss about how to help. Maybe you should plan a distraction of your own to distract them from their distractions. Louie Anderson in drag usually does the trick.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Stamina and a discerning eye: Those two qualities enable you to fix just about anything that needs adjusting right now. Buying just the right air freshener to cover up the dead rodent smell in your house is a tough dilemma.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Some items have been hanging around on your to-do list for too long. Tie up the loose ends, but make sure you go all the way. Granny knots won’t suffice — you need to seal these with a double knot, a bow and whatever adhesive is keeping Bob Barker together.


Stooks Proverb: Dig the well before you are thirsty. And if you’re thirsty and vengeful at the same time, you can throw your victim down the well after enjoying a nice, fresh glass of water.

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Astrologers warn: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding this Saturday will be a shame. Their signs simply don’t make for a good wedding that day. It’s too late! They’ve arrived in Rome Monday! I don’t think they’re worried. Tom wouldn’t believe in something as silly as astrology.

The guy who owns Anna Nicole’s house in the Bahamas turned off the power Friday. He says she hasn’t paid him, she says it was a gift. Larry Birkhead says he is the only reason Anna Nicole fled to the Bahamas anyway, so he must own the house. Anna Nicole is house hunting, if that helps your twisted mind process this story.

Kevin Federline found the time to sign some autographs when he was shopping at Walmart the other day. Then, he played with the blood pressure machine for a couple hours, freaking out at the test results at one point.

People are already wondering if there’s any chance Britney will get back with Justin Timberlake. Well, she did manage to age herself past Cameron Diaz…

Nicole Richie and a random friend ordered McDonald’s drive-thru! “The girls ordered two Big Macs, large fries, an order of Chicken McNuggets and a vanilla shake,” a source tells Star. I don’t think anyone’s ever question Nicole’s ability to eat. It’s more the ability to digest that has us concerned.


“I just had a sugar cube! I’m wasted!”

The mother of the latest kid to say Michael played with him has pleaded “no contest” to welfare fraud. She has to pay almost $9 thousand in restitution, complete 150 hours of community service, and have to do a “Jesus Juice” headstand for 30 seconds (think keg stand on a box of wine).

Michael Jackson has arrived in London for his Wednesday performance at the World Music Awards.


Don’t adjust your monitor.

Nick Lachey wasn’t showing his happy face at a birthday party for his girlfriend, Vanessa Minillo. He probably just saw one of those crappy new Direct TV commercials with Jessica Simpson.

Ellen Pompeo from Grey’s Anatomy is engaged. One hint: it’s not to the guy who plays George.

Creepfest

Posted on by Matt Stooks
Chris saw a woman changing her baby’s diaper at Bramlage after K-State’s basketball game Saturday.

I saw some dude pawing at a copy of the dirty mag “High Society” at Dara’s in Aggieville.

All around, it was just a creepy weekend for the Stooks in the Morning crew.

We asked our listeners to share.

Segment 1 (3:49)

Segment 2 (3:00)

“Don’t you even think of tweakin’ that.”

In other show activity…

The Iraqi Woman is upset she couldn’t shoot off guns in a celebratory manner after K-State beat Texas this weekend (2:19).

“Words with Chris Casey.” Today’s word: “florist” (0:30).

Stooksoscope for Monday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your leadership skills continue to shine early in the day, so handle the big picture. Later on, you discover that tying up loose ends and finishing the details hits the spot. Then, you can show off to everyone how good you are at tying shoes.


Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Who can resist you when you’ve got that certain sparkle in your eye? It’s usually a different group of people than the ones who can’t resist you when your eyes are bloodshot.


Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Step out and strut your stuff. The stars say you can’t go wrong. However, the guy with the quart of Pennzoil in his hair is jealous of your moves. Take heed.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Sweeping the dirty bits under the rug will bite you in the behind when you least expect it. On second thought, you probably should anticipate disaster from your nude magic carpet ride.


Stooks Proverb: Life is just a bowl of cherries. Some fat guy eats them all before you even get one.

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

K-Fed has a Britney sex tape that he’s holding ransom. He’s already been offered $50 million for it, but he’s willing to be a good guy and let it go for a little less for Britney.

Britney Spears wants to give away pictures of her second son instead of selling them. She wants to make sure Kevin gets as little money from her as possible, and seeing how he was seen buying undies in Walmart, I’d say she’s doing a good job.. She wanted to do a shoot with the baby in Vogue, but they turned her down. Ouch. Meanwhile, Britney’s first ex, Jason Alexander, says he still loves her.

Here’s an interesting stat: before her marriage to Kevin, Britney was worth $100 million. Now it’s closer to $50 million. Who would’ve thought being married to a pothead could use up your cash so quickly.

Did Lindsay Lohan call Paris Hilton a naughty four-letter word the other day?

Must be nice: Anna Nicole Smith is one of the hottest election year issues in the Bahamas.

That “Denise Richards Throws Laptops from Balcony” story just got a little less cool. Turns out, a laptop didn’t hit the 80-year-old woman in a wheelchair, it just landed dangerously close. And she only threw one laptop, not two.

Jack Palance died Friday. I enjoyed him.

“Hand me your keys…I’m Dennis Rodman” – Dennis Rodman, preventing some guy from drinking and driving. How messed up do you have to be to have Dennis Rodman stop you from driving?

From TMZ.com: Jennifer Aniston’s house is being fumigated. She wouldn’t mind the fleas and lice too much, if they didn’t remind her so much of Brad.


“You should see my kickass ball pit.”

American Idol’s biggest moron, Kellie Pickler, is getting her own show on Fox about “a naïve small-town Southern girl” who discovers that her biological father is the state’s governor. Fox just always seems to manage to come up with the worst sitcom ideas.

Stooksoscope for Friday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Prospects that you thought had evaporated reappear in your life when you least expect them to. Those sneaky ghosts.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s time to free yourself of stale situations that are more trouble than they’re worth. Well, at least you now know the problems with making a bicycle out of Sourdough bread.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

When you want, you can be the most charismatic person in the room — and you do it with such low-key but brilliant style that most people don’t even know what hit them. You get tons of flattering attention today. Much better than the time you had pancake in your teeth.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’re not just going to take what someone tells you at face value, are you? You need to wait until you can see the evidence with your own eyes — and even then, you might come to a completely different conclusion about Bea Arthur’s alleged hearing problem.


Stooks Proverb: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the blender is worth drinking if you are dying of starvation and don’t have anything else to sustain you.

Show notebook

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Ed Bradley from 60 Minutes died of leukemia today. Not even Mike Wallace knew anything about Ed’s leukemia.

I really liked Ed Bradley, so I feel bad making a joke already.

But you have to listen to Mike Wallace talk about Ed’s mom to CNN.

Very odd


“What did Wallace say about my mom?”

Maybe you shouldn’t feel bad about K-Fed getting divorced through text message. Turns out, he’s been talking divorce with his own lawyer for the last month. There are even rumors he’ll exploit his children to get more cash out of Britney. A “give me some more money, and I won’t fight you for the kids” type of thing. If only she could hold his bong hostage in some similar fashion.

K-Fed’s first baby mama is finally commenting on his current divorce. She says Kevin is “such a nice guy.” Her facial expression says otherwise.

At his crappy House of Blues performance in Chicago, Kevin was making sure everyone in the audience knew he was a free man. Oh no, Keven the out-of-the-closet bachelor has been born.

You can bid on a rent check from Kevin Federline’s life before Britney, with the words “insufficient funds” stamped on it. I don’t know if I’d fork out the cash for that now…I hear supply is about to go about on this piece of memorabilia.

You can also buy Kevin a pair of shoes. He was being followed by the paparazzi in a sporting goods store Monday night. He asked one of them if they would pay for some shoes for him. And my how they spoil their boy, he got a $120 pair.

Denise Richards was getting annoyed by the paparazzi in Vancouver, so she somehow got a hold of their laptops and threw them off a hotel balcony. One of them hit an 80-year-old lady in the arm. Only minor injuries. Although you know that old woman’s going to never stop complaining about that bruise.

Daniel, one of the more worthless Baldwins, has been arrested for stealing a car. It sounds like it may have been a misunderstanding, where Daniel was extremely strung out and not realizing he needed to ask permission to borrow someone’s car for a couple days.

Paris Hilton went on a $7 thousand shopping binge last week. Taking a cue from Nicole Richie, she then tried to flush all the clothes down the toilet.

Rumsfeld’s Speech

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’m writing this as Donald is giving his Landon Lecture at K-State.

Ever wonder why we applaud people for not getting divorced or for being alive to be married for a certain number of years? Why is that?

Applauding Rumsfeld’s marriage skills.

Obviously, this speech came at an odd time, what with his being fired Wednesday. Rummy’s doing a good job in this appearance so far. He’s usually pretty entertaining to watch, and you do feel a little bad for him.

Rums describes how good he did publicizing this speech.

Rummy seems to be having a hard time hearing/understanding the questions from the audience so far.

Listen to this mass confusion.

If you remember, when Bush was in town, someone asked if he’d seen Brokeback Mountain.

Listen to this guy fall flat on his face trying to reference that moment.

Uh oh, the Chinese language instructor has two questions she’ll struggle to get through.

Boring question #1

Boring and really ridiculous question #2

Okay, now something weird has happened. Right toward the end of his speech, the video goes to some reporter outside Bramlage. She’s standing there, obviously not knowing she’s live.

Here’s the mic check.

Now, the camera is just staring at her for another silent minute.

Now she’s talking to some K-State student who “saw the speech.” Wait a minute, I’m watching the speech live, and I get cut off by a close-up of this reporter who’s talking to some student who “saw the speech.” The speech is still obviously going on, and this student’s remarks couldn’t be any more generic. Scandal on “Kansas NOW 22!”

Take a listen

Stooksoscope for Thursday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

This current energy makes you results-oriented and gives you fantastic taste. It’s times like these that make you question the limited availability of the McRib.


Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

A good cleaning from top to bottom and putting up some new shelves could help you feel safe and secure, which is exactly what you need right now. Keep the home fires burning by taking the time to update your nest. That hairdo of yours is so 2003.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Have you been spending too much time on something that is essentially a lost cause? Think about this matter very seriously. Is it making your life easier or harder? Could you put your energy to better use? It’s time to let Neil Patrick Harris go.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Let the nurturing side of your nature come out in an unusual — and tougher — way. Sometimes cookies and milk keeps the person who needs a pick-me-up in an infantile state. Especially when you put the date rape drug in there.


Stooks Proverb: You can’t run with the hare and hunt with the hounds, unless you’re a rabbit that wears some kind of clever hound costume.

Show notebook

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Listen as Rosie shows why she’s got a job on The View, and I don’t.

Tons of K-Fed news today. First, the last straw may have been when Kevin stood her up last Thursday, leaving her alone to weep at the restaurant. Monday night, Kevin was filming a special with MuchMusic, when he gets a text message from Britney that seems to break the news that she’s leaving him. Ouch, dumped on text message. He was even talking about how great his relationship was just before he got the message.

Then, Britney shows up on David Letterman a couple hours later. Just for a second, showing off her body, then leaving.

Kevin’s CD debuted at 151 on the sales charts, with only six thousand copies sold. You can even get free tickets to see him at the House of Blues in Chicago, that’s how bad he is.

Britney’s first father-in-law says she should have stayed married to his son Jason, that kid she got married to on a whim in Vegas.

Kevin Federline’s friends aren’t abandoning him. He’s still got a couple weeks of supply left.

Nicole Kidman not only looks pregnant, she is! As the Enquirer says, “she broke the news” to Keith Urban in rehab.

A photographer rear-ended Lindsay Lohan at 2:00 in the morning the other day. That’s Lindsay’s third wreck caused by the paparazzi. I’m guessing this was after she taped her appearance for Oprah. Wouldn’t that be great if Lohan had Oprah stashed somewhere in the car? And Steadman was cheating on Oprah with Gayle King? And Maya Angelou paid someone to install hidden cameras in all of their bedrooms? That’s the stuff.

Michael Jackson’s going to perform Thriller at the World Music Awards next week. I can’t find a listing for the awards ceremony. I’m thinking only British people will get to watch the “World” Music Awards.

Fun clips for Thursday’s show

From Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: A guy who settled for $500,000 instead of taking a chance on the million gets pissed when he finds out he should’ve trusted his gut and gone for the million.

The following are from Dr. Phil’s Wednesday show

The opening tease

“Urban Cougars” and “Sugar Daddies.”

Dr. Phil says “I’m not sayin'”

Creepy 18-year-old girl calling her 40-year-old boyfriend “daddy.”

America’s couple no more

Posted on by Matt Stooks

America’s couple, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are divorcing. Today, we tried to heal.

Segment 1 – “It’s over for everyone” (3:21).

Segment 2 – The High Lady plans her next move (1:36).

Stooksoscope for Wednesday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Having a mother is simultaneously a deeply personal and widely universal experience. Honor those nurturing energies in your life by either talking with your mother or honoring the mother you’ve created from the body parts of dead streetwalkers you found in Vegas.


Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

The message and the messenger are right on target, but the timing is wrong. Although you know you have information that will turn this situation around, you need to wait. No one’s in the boardroom at 1:00 Thanksgiving morning to hear your solution to the rapid urinal cake vaporization taking place in the men’s restroom.


Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Be prepared to shift gears as the situation changes. If you do, you’ll be able to put the smorgasbord of today’s astrological influences to their best use. Start out fast and furious and downshift to sweet and slow by the afternoon. Then, downshift to “pudding rolling down the hill” mode.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your life has been so hectic lately that an uneventful day seems like a gift straight from the stars. Unfortunately a gift from Big Bird flying overhead won’t seem like such a gift.


Stooks Proverb: There’s no such thing as bad publicity, unless that publicity is about your tragic death after falling face first into a blender set on “puree.”

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Shocker! Britney Spears has filed for divorce. He was on the WWE again last night. I wonder if the fact he makes more money wrestling than he ever will as a singer had anything to do with that decision. I wonder if someone told her that her kids would get half their DNA from Federline? Too many unanswered questions.

Meanwhile, he’s being sued for illegally sampling “She Blinded Me With Science.”

And he’s even resorted to rapping out hints with the online game show Gold Rush. Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer were answers to his clues. I’m not even joking. You can watch the entire segment here. Or you can just listen to the good parts below.

Listen to the host explain the ridiculous premise of the game, “Private Dancers,” in which Federline raps while eight guys in camo march around him in some kind of freak dance.

Listen to his MC Hammer clue.

Listen to his Vanilla Ice clue.


Kevin Federline: Famous from 2006-2006.

Don’t let all this Federline nonsense distract you from remembering Anna Nicole Smith exists. Now, that rich guy with the vasectomy says Anna Nicole tried to get him to agree to be on the birth certificate when he visited her in the Bahamas after the baby was born.

Tom Cruise has a jet reserved for his Scientology friends to get to his wedding in Europe. I hope they crash on the island in Lost. That’d be a good plot twist.

Lindsay Lohan told Oprah “I’m not a party girl.” I don’t know who she thinks she’s fooling after that mess she made at the beginning of the show. I think the funk music got to her.

Take a listen.

“Don’t worry, O! I get stains like that out all the time!”

Paris Hilton was shooting a commercial where she walks from her limo to a scooter. Good lord, she’s desperate for cash. And how does that commercial sell? “Oh my god! Paris has a limo! I can’t afford that! Oh wait! Paris has a scooter! Let’s go to Purple Wave Auction and get one so we can be pretty like Paris!”

Madonna was caught looking ugly after her workout routine. What a bitch.

“I spy a T-1000!”

"You Decide" Tuesday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

In a blatant ripoff of our Free For all Friday feature, we did “You Decide” Tuesday, so our listeners could decide if they cared to talk about politics or something completely irrelevant.

Guns and pancakes (2:51)

Morrison stash (3:16)

Stooksoscope for Tuesday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The stars give you the ability to think, talk and act at the speed of light. But you still won’t be able to get to the bathroom in time after a 4 a.m. stop at Denny’s.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Go ahead and give in to a whim. Friends may be envious of what you accomplish, so make sure to keep your talk about this modest. Your eye for clearance pricing on garter belts draws the ire of many.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A million different topics interest you right now, and with good reason. The stars are taking your usual laser-like focus and directing it toward various eclectic areas. What happens in the handicap stall stays in the handicap stall.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You have a little extra spring in your step. In fact, the sparkle in your eye is well past the legal limit. You could charm your way into or out of just about anything right now. But charm doesn’t work on the Twix bar, clinging for its life on the spring in the vending machine.


Stooks Proverb: Beggars can’t be choosers, but you still shouldn’t try to trick them into thinking some dirt clumps wrapped in foil are brownies.

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Snoop Dogg turned himself into police for weapons possession Monday. When he made bail, he signed autographs as if he was quite familiar with the surroundings. Hmmmmm.

Madonna claims to be raising her baby as both Kaballah and Christian. That’s cheating.

Kirstie Alley showed off her new body on Oprah Monday. Nope. Still no blood flow down there.


“Good god, woman! Your thighs are as wide as your torso!”

Rosie O’Donnell pops her friends zits. That is beyond filthy.

Here’s the audio to brand it into your brain.

A biographer says Paris Hilton is a marketing experiment from her mom and her grandma, and that her family thought the porn tape wasn’t that bad of a thing. No kidding.

Frankie Muniz just bought at $12 million house, three times the value of his old house. Uh, has he checked out the pad Jonathan Taylor Thomas is living at these days?


JTT, forcing a smile, seconds after finding out this would be his last photo op ever.

Christopher Walken is set for a cameo appearance as Ozzy Osbounre in a movie about Motley Crue. That seems about right.

What good is a 90210 DVD release party without Luke Perry? Maybe the opportunity to knock out Tori Spelling’s teeth is compelling enough of a reason to attend.

Check out his hot, sweaty IQ!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Photoshop Adam gave me one of his valuable dating tips: using iqtest.com to trick girls into thinking you’re smarter than you are. You take the test a couple times to get the answers down, then somehow talk the girl into taking the test with you. When you score 200, she apparently drops trow.

Segment 1 – Photoshop explains himself (1:28).

Segment 2 – Smart ladies skinny dipping (1:24).


Oddly, you can fit five “Smart Cars” in a short bus.

In other show activity…

The High Lady’s confused about a joke I made about Kanye West’s tirade at the MTV Europe Awards this weekend (4:57).

Viewer Mail raises more questions about Stooks in the Morning activity at Manhattan parks (2:05).

Dick Cheney is going hunting tomorrow, on election day. It’s the first time he’s been hunting since he blew that dude’s face off.

This inspired another edition of “Dick Cheney Says” (0:30).

Stooksoscope for Monday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Be careful whom you hang out with — you’re in an impressionable state of mind. Before you know it, beliefs, sayings and habits that aren’t really yours could become ingrained in your personality. Why don’t they list that side effect on the Robitussin bottle?

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You bring a little extra flair to everyday tasks. Why do people ask for your advice on just about everything? Your complete lack of connection with the way society operates provides plenty of laughs for everyone.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Start the day in a low gear, and make sure to take your time with the important tasks. As the hours progress, you find your energy kicking higher and higher. By afternoon, you’re ready to take on the world. By night, you’re ready for a violent, downward spiral, complete with compulsive watching of Saved by the Bell, season three.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

In the morning, finish any difficult tasks so in the afternoon you can go out and socialize. Just be prepared for that hangover that’ll hit about the time you’re watching Heroes tonight.


Stooks Proverb: Eat to live, but don’t live to eat. Have you learned nothing from Mangino?

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Everyone’s coming out this year. Doogie Howser is gay. NPH would never do that.

Madonna encourages her drivers to run red lights and violate other traffic laws to get away from the press. Then, she goes home and reads her Princess Di propaganda.

Last I checked, Larry Birkhead’s website was down, but TMZ.com got a peak before it went down. He was writing to his baby again. He talked about a trip to Disneyland that he thought would cheer him up, but backfired when he felt lonesome seeing the other kids. He also dropped this gem: “I am ready to fight anyone and everyone that gets in my way. One day, you will thank me for fighting for you when others expected me to just walk away.” After reading this, the baby totally ragged on Birkhead on her MySpace.

After seeing Kevin Federline perform to a meager crowd of 300 in New York, one concertgoer said “If I had a bucket, I would vomit in it right now.” He had to beg to keep the concert from being canceled and then took the stage three hours late waiting for more fans to show up.

Paris Hilton was smuggling some mystery woman into a club in Hollywood. Some think it’s Lohan, and others think it’s the digestively-challenged Nicole Richie.


That neckhole’s too tight to belong to Nicole Richie.

Charlie Sheen is getting along with Denise Richards for the sake of their kids. Meanwhile, Heather Locklear and David Spade are back together, for the sake of instant shrinkage for all men.

Kanye West threw a fit about not winning Best Video at the MTV Europe Awards. I guess that’s one thing Europeans can agree on with President Bush: hatred of black people.

Michael Jackson is working on a new CD with the help of Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas. And he says he might do “Thriller 2” someday. At least he won’t be in makeup as long next time.

Stooksoscope for Friday

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A dearly held wish of yours is about to become reality. When it happens, you’ll have to make some big changes in your life. Some advice about how to deal with it is coming your way, albeit in a strange disguise. Damn you Halloween Costume clearance pricing!


Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

As brightly as your light burns, remember that you’re also part of a team, personally and professionally. Playing nice has big dividends if you know what to ask for — and, most importantly, how to ask for it: mayo on the side.


Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Fire, water, air: You have a healthy serving of all the major astrological energies today, and all you need to truly balance it out is a little earthy energy. Just be careful when you’re picking out what dirt to eat. Stay out of Mangino’s backyard.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Just what you needed: a little fire in the belly! The stars give you whatever’s necessary to take it to the next level. Make sure you consult your head, your heart and your hemorrhoids before taking your next steps.


Stooks Proverb: Don’t cut down the tree that gives you shade, unless it made a pass at your mom.

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Anna Nicole is finally talking, well, was finally talking to reporters before her lung collapsed and she ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. The interviews started to air Thursday. Meanwhile, a sworn witness says Anna Nicole told her that Larry Birkhead is the father of her baby.

Listen to ET henchman Mark Steines at the end of this clip. It sounds like he’s encouraging Anna to just go ahead and end it all.

The rest of her interview is a little out of bounds for my taste.

However, ET did have a frightening preview for their next show.

Bea Arthur has a problem.

Feel sad for Bea? I know what will make you feel better.

“The Bea Arthur is Doomed” happy remix by Matt Stooks.

Tom Cruise is taking over United Artists/MGM with the producer who helped him make box office gross of almost $3 billion. It’s the only piece of good career news for him in years. Good. Maybe we can finally get the quality Scientology movie we all deserve! Oh, I almost forgot to mention that he and Katie had a steak dinner at an upscale restaurant Wednesday night. That a-hole!

Trouble! Page Six says Bob Barker was forced out of The Price is Right and they’ve already signed CBS Early Show weatherman Dave Price to replace him. I was thinking the same thing. The head of CBS thought Bob Barker would continue to do the show until he died, which would cause production on the show to shutdown for a year. No hard feelings Bob, but we need our Plinko!

Hide your children. Madonna says she isn’t ruling out another adoption. She really is publicity stunting this thing all over the place, I don’t care what anyone says.

It looks like Paris Hilton wants to ruin another quality woman: Elisha Cuthbert from Girl Next Door and 24. Elisha totally dissed her boyfriend at some club and took off with Paris!

Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray are feuding. Martha had a live show with Barry Manilow. At the same time in New York, Rachael Ray had a previously taped show with Barry, so Barry was on at the same time! Catfight over Manilow. I had no idea he still had it in him.


“I’m having a hard enough time not strangling this pest, and you expect me to smile?”

Snoop Dogg has been officially charged with felony weapons possession at an airport. He had a 21 inch collapsible baton in his luggage. I’m still waiting for them to realize it’s some sort of drug paraphernalia.

At least ten cops escorted Jennifer Aniston through LAX when she returned from her visit to Vince in London. But as TMZ.com notes, she could easily have left out the back way like most celebrities and not be hassled. But, then who would she not look sad in front of if she didn’t make a scene?

You can’t say "hi?"

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Almost everyone in my apartment building will give a simple grunt or even look away when I say “hey, how’s it going?”

We wonder why people can’t say “hi.”

Segment 1 (3:33)

Segment 2 (2:19)

“Words with Chris Casey.” Today’s word: cherub (0:30).

The Stoner plans to watch “Borat” in an interesting manner (2:39).

How sweet: a husband take his wife to the gynecologist (0:46).


“Honey, I need to borrow your tongs for the fried chicken feed.”

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

There are few things more intoxicating than daydreams, Mel Gibson’s urine sample being one of them.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A sudden burst of emotion could cause you to unleash your temper if you don’t take care. Otherwise you might just rip the head off the Happy Meal toy you just got.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re inspired to get up off of that thing and start moving. You might want to Febreze that recliner after you peal yourself off your own sweat stain.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Head, heart and a sense of connection: You’ve got it all in balance right now. Just add a little intellectual energy and a Twizzler binger to the current mix of influences and you’ve got the recipe for success.


Stooks Proverb: Never write a letter when you’re angry. You’re likely to paper cut your wrists in that state of mind.

Scoop

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Anna Nicole Smith is doing her first interview since everything happened. It’ll be on Entertainment Tonight Thursday. She must have some new weight pill to push. Oh, by the way, she’s in the hospital now for pneumonia.

Kevin Federline got booed on Halloween. He’s living the white trash dream, of course they despise him.

Madonna says before she adopted her new kid, she offered to give the kid’s dad money to raise him. When he turned her down, she took that as a sign that she should just take the kid instead.

American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee says Nicole Richie should give her a call. She thinks she can offer her support, seeing as McPhee was bulimic for five years. And it’d help to get some tips in case McPhee gets bulimic again.

Uh oh! Angelina Jolie LOOKS pregnant. It’s amazing what a small breeze can do for a photographers paycheck.


“Ah ha! And everyone knows black is a slimming color!”

Tom Cruise still carries a Sharpie around and signs autographs at his kids’ ballgames. Is that he’s sniffing?

Courtney Love says Mel Gibson was behind the intervention that led to her current sobriety. Or was she just confused while watching Disney’s Pocahantas while stoned.

Flavor Flav is expecting his seventh kid with some woman from Vegas who he doesn’t have any future plans for. He has grand kids who’ll be older than their “aunt” or “uncle” when the baby’s born.

Patrick Dempsey’s first wife says she lied when she told a story about McDreamy. She had said he attacked her on a movie set and then slammed her pinkie in a car door. Nice lie.

Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff reunited Monday night for the DVD release party of Baywatch seasons one and two. They compared boob jobs.