Matt Stooks

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Impulse control could become a challenge for you right now, especially when someone appeals to your maverick side. Let’s just hope no one comes along who appeals to your O.J. Simpson side.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

When it comes right down to it, you don’t have the time to waste on petty issues anymore. Reaching your limit can be the greatest gift of all. Then, you can get 400 percent interest on a title loan to pay it off.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Take concrete steps to move past this obstacle and you’ll see tangible results. If you keep your ties to the mob, you might end up with concrete on your feet, so you’re heading in the right direction.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Something’s been on your mind. Go ahead and put it out there. The time is ripe for fresh starts and initiatives. The bolder the better, say the stars. And when everyone hears about your plans for Connie Chung, they’ll have no choice but to carry you on their shoulders in victory.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t kill the goose that lays the golden eggs. Do kill the goose that lays a curled up deuce on the floor.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You have poetry in your soul, and it’s time express it. You might want to keep your Kramer tribute poems to yourself.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Your crackling energy takes a turn for the mellow and sweet early on in the day. Enjoy it to the fullest. Later on, you find an unexpected reservoir of hatred for Mr. Belvedere.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It’s up to you to take the first step when it comes to fixing a breach between friends or relations. The stars give you the gift of perspective. They also give you the gift of gas. Roll down a window.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Deep emotions come your way. The trouble is, you’re so intuitive that you could find yourself drowning in them unless you take care. Never fear! You’ve got a snorkel.

Stooks Proverb: All is fair in love and war, except using Mark Mangino as a human shield.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The stars give you a dose of some sweet, slow energy. Your roar turns into a muted purr. Kind of like a feline Helen Keller.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The people you respect may not understand your plans, but that doesn’t mean you should abandon them. They’re just jealous of your mad Hungry Hungry Hippo skills.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Laughter and chaos: It seems like you’re torn between one and the other. That’s what happens when you watch Full House while huffing Pine Sol.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Be willing to travel beyond reality as you know it. Staying open-minded is key. This may require throwing the balance of some of your personal relationships out of whack. Not to worry — the situation is only temporary. Your UPS man will forgive you as the smell fades.

Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Because you want to open a cow-tipping business. Duh.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You’re over it, but then why are you reliving it in your head — so much so that you’re not even aware of it? The key is to see yourself as you are: a person who has learned the lesson and is truly beyond the situation, rather than seeing yourself as that guy who passed out in urinal five at Rusty’s while still holding onto your Long Island Iced Tea.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Something that seems settled suddenly changes direction, but there’s no need to worry. This is just a small detour before everything gets back on track. Nothing beats a good colon cleanse.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Get ready, because the universe is sending you exactly the information you need, but in a most unusual way. Who would’ve thought the universe used Braille?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Explore an age-old question with some methods that are unusual for you. When this practice turns out to have exceptional results, you’ll want to share it with every person you know. Don’t be saddened by their blank stares when you explain how a Pez dispenser works.

Stooks Proverb: A kind word can even attract a snake from his nest. Maybe Samuel L. Jackson should’ve tried that instead of profanities.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A need to make a fast choice inspires a brilliant decision. You’re so grateful for everything you’ve received. What’s more, that gratitude paves the way for even more good fortune to come your way. Isn’t Welfare great?

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Good fortune is ready to smile on you. Are you ready to receive it? What a silly question — of course you are! Just to be on the safe side, though, get rid of any blocks and inhibitions that could be in your path. Hey, you knew what you were getting into when you decided on a “murder for book profits” career.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your motto is ‘don’t fence me in.’ Unfortunately, the rare strain of Hilton Herpe 118 has you under quarantine.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Reserve the right to change your mind, or you might find that a few casual words become a prison. Who would’ve thought the phrase “Cover me in horse feces now, I dare you!” would have such dire consequences.

Stooks Proverb: Give him an inch and he’ll take a yard. Just be glad he didn’t take a meter, because then you’ll be dealing with converting to the metric system, and that’s simply too much for anyone to deal with.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You’ve been working tremendously hard. Now’s the time to take your vitamins, eat right and get plenty of rest – you’ve got Mangino to hunt. Just listen for the wobbling footsteps.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s time to go where you want to go and do what you want to do. The stars lift the last remaining restrictions, which means you’re free to roam wherever your heart desires. Just see if you can avoid an attack on the “Can I help you?” vest woman in the housewares section.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You take someone’s comment to heart, even if it’s totally casual or not even meant for you. Nevertheless, something they say strikes a chord when you least expect it. Now you’re examining your motives. Maybe you just aren’t a big enough fan to have a Bob Saget poster in your bathroom. He’s got naughty eyes, too, so it might be best for everyone.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You can be very much in control of the process, even as you sit back and let events unfold. Let your intentions be your guide. You know what you want the end result to be, even if you’re not sure how to get there. Now if you can just find a shirtless Patrick Swayze to cradle you with his thighs while he guides your hands with his…oh wait, I think I saw a commercial for a Swayze rental service, just $9.99 for the first hour.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t remove a fly from your friend’s forehead with a hatchet. You wouldn’t want to bloody up your favorite hatchet, would you?

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You bring out the best in others. Your ability to get people closer to their goals helps you progress in leaps and bounds on your own as well. Expect a financial windfall to land in your lap just when you need it. Brace yourself. A bucket full of quarters hurts when it’s dumped on your crotch.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You’re on a search-and-destroy mission — you want to stamp out anything boring, stuffy and tedious. You’ll have to look closely for Joan Rivers. She’s hiding.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’d rather be the power behind the throne, but the stars say your very special brand of magnetism needs to be front and center. So get in the limelight. You’ll have a horde of beggars at your command in no time.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You need to consider all sides of the question before you can come to a decision. Try taking some time for yourself. Other people’s opinions might be more distracting than useful. Figure out what you believe. If it’s that you’re Peter Pan, try again.

Stooks Proverb: There’s no place like home. Unless O.J.’s looking for new book material.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Under this influence, there’s a definite ‘when in Rome, do as the Romans do’ vibe going on with you. Just make sure you get a big enough ring so your Christian can survive the lion attack long enough for a good show.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Being gracious never hurt, and in this instance, it’ll really help. Direct that sparkling charm toward someone who can get you to the next level: the Old Woman Greeter at Walmart is rumored to be quite the minx.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Why are you letting someone else set the rules? Now is the time to find a way around any perceived limitations. You’ll open new routes where only roadblocks existed previously. Soon, your recurring nightmare of being Gary Busey’s dental hygienist will come to an end.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re in control, but you’re not fully comfortable with the position just yet. If you’re in doubt, call a team of experts and tell them the situation. You’ll effortlessly attract just the people you need in your life: ones who know the proper way to wipe.

Stooks Proverb: Revenge is a dish best served cold. In fact, the best revenge is serving someone a cold bowl of oatmeal.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Trying to make everyone happy all at once is a balancing act — and an impossible one at that. However, if you can balance Bob Saget’s soul on your nose, then everyone will be happy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Loved ones are demanding more of you than usual — or is it that you’ve been withholding more of yourself than you normally do? Come on, do your cross dressing act again this Thanksgiving. Oh, that’s not an act? My bad.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Some stabilizing celestial influences arrive, along with a heightened sense of diplomacy. When you sense that a plan’s just not working, not only are you able to pinpoint why, but you can communicate it to the right person: Dennis Haskins, a.k.a., TV’s Richard Belding from Saved by the Bell.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Strengthening bonds requires that you first check to see where they’re fraying. This may not be the easiest task, and it’ll require a lot of tact and some maneuvering on your part. Finally, a chance for you to put your limbo skills to work.

Stooks Proverb: He who eats alone, chokes alone. That’s why Mangino has an entourage 24/7.