Matt Stooks

I’m alive!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Good news! I’m alive!

My brother Tom tricked me into playing indoor soccer. Tonight was our first game.

As expected, I was out of breath 90 percent of the time. Also true to form, I took a soccer ball to the face. I’d say it was the defensive play of the game.

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Police sketch of ball that collided with my face

We had just enough people to field a team. We were all in for the entire game. No substitutions. When I saw 14 minutes remained in the first half, I said “fuuuuuuuuuck.”

Unluckily, my brain was swimming in a place between paint huffing and death, so I blacked out most of the second half. I’m not sure I could tell you we even played a second half at all.

In the end, I made it through the game. We tied. Somehow, I made it to the bar for a couple beers, drove home, got naked and took a shower, put clothes back on, got on my computer and typed this blog.

Tomorrow will be painful.

Old people need to expand their horizons

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Dear senior citizens,

Enough with Wii Bowling already.

While I’m glad you’ve embraced video games, I think it’s time to nut up and try something new.  Every time there’s a picture of you playing Wii, you’re playing Wii Bowling.  I bet you call the Wii “the bowling game.”  “Hey, who wants to come over and play the bowling game at my assisted living hub?”

Do you realize how many people would love to own the Wii but can’t find one?  You and your sick bowling fetish are preventing an entire generation of kids from enjoying games that took more than three seconds to create.  The least you can do is experiment with some other games.

Yes, that slot on the front of your system is made to take games other than Wii Bowling.

You’ve already forced your tired, unmalleable brain to learn how to put a controller on and interact with a TV screen.  Why not go one step further and try a different game?  In fact, there are four other games on the same disc as Wii Bowling.  I want to see old people playing Wii Tennis! Boxing would be classic, but that’s getting greedy.

Have you even heard of Super Mario Galaxy?  Yeah, it’s only like the best game ever created.  It’s mind-blowing at times.  Yet, there you are, like a zombie, rolling a virtual ball down the lane, getting your old person juice all over the Wii Remote.

You don’t have to give up Wii Bowling completely.  I understand the appeal.  Bowling is cool and a good way to socialize.  You can’t go to the bowling alley.  The diaper changing tables weren’t built for adults.  Your wrists and hips would likely snap under the weight of even the lightest ball.  The Wii is a good alternative. But Mario’s getting pissed.

Thanks,

Matthew

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Old person playing bowling, what else?

My future wife

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Thanks to the TiVo commercial below, I now know exactly what I want in a woman.

I want to get ready in the morning while my future wife jams and sings at our grand piano.

I own travel Scrabble. It’s awesome. Check it out here. After we’re done playing piano together, we’ll go to the park on a sunny day and play Scrabble.

If you know this girl, please send her my way.

Letter to Hillary

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Dear Hillary,

Congratulations on winning some states again.  However, this means I have to watch more CNN and Wolf Blitzer’s beard.

Damn you,

Matt

P.S.  What were you thinking Ohio, Texas and Rhode Island?  Seriously.  You’re silly.

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“I often speak awkwardly, awkwardly speaking I do.”

Hillary at Bob Evans

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Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop at a Bob Evans in Ohio.

“In case this other endeavor I’m involved in doesn’t work out, I know I can come back to Bob Evans.”

I think we all can agree that Hillary owes Bob Evans workers an apology.  Besides, who’s she to think she could get any job at Bob Evans?  She has no relevant restaurant experience that I’ve ever heard of.  I don’t think she could even be a decent hostess “on day one.”

Lessons from Manhattan

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I went to Manhattan last weekend to catch up with some friends.

We went to Kite’s Saturday night.  I learned two main things.

1. K-State basketball fans suck.  K-State lost to Baylor Saturday night.  Like KU fans trying to follow football (see this post), K-State basketball fans really don’t understand the game.  They jeer at reasonable penalties, and one particular fan was throwing around bar furniture in disgust as K-State’s fate became inevitable.  KC Star’s Jason Whitlock has an out-of-character, decent column on K-State basketball here.

2. Mom’s weekend seems pornographic.  It looked like it was mom’s weekend for the sororities in Manhattan.  I’d say at least five of these mom-daughter combinations were candidates for a threesome with a college dude, who will no doubt brag about how he had a MILF on one end, and her daughter on the other during a drunken night he barely remembers.  He will never graduate.

The pooping train

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Some woman in India accidentally gave birth on the toilet of a moving train.  This sounds scary enough, but apparently toilets on Indian trains are just open holes to the track below.  So, the baby fell straight through the toilet and onto the tracks.  They found the baby almost two hours later, still alive.

The baby’s pediatrician says “We do not expect such children to survive.”  So, doctor, exactly how many babies shat from trains have you treated in your career?

This is why I don’t walk the railroad tracks in India.  Gross.

My ab routine

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I’ve been fighting a rough cold all week.  The frequent coughing has an upside.  I woke up today feeling like I had done some actual, intense ab exercises yesterday. I have a feeling “Cough your way to health” volumes 1-10 will make me a very rich man.

Debate wrap up!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Oh no!  You forgot to TiVo the debate?  Don’t worry, I’ll tell you what happened.

Here’s my wrap up: Bush, Bush, McCain, Bush, generic Texas pander, Bush, Bush, mandate, McCain, McCain, Iraq, Bush, etc.

You’re welcome.

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“Which orifice are we talking about, Barack?”

Can we get some zoom on that tongue?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Here comes another Gene Simmons production I never want to experience.

The video, found at genessecret.com, purportedly features Simmons and Australian spokesmodel “Elsa” engaging in sexual activity to the tune of Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is.”

Can’t get hard to “Rock And Roll All Nite” anymore, Gene?

“You may have heard or seen garbage that has sprung up from my past. Rest assured the proper legal team is looking at all ramifications and options,” he says.

Considering the video features Gene Simmons “making love,” I think the “proper” legal team is the United States Department of Justice.  If waterboarding is borderline torture, this has to be close.

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“Okay, I’ll tell you where Osama is! Make it stop!”

By the way, I thought Gene was some kind of self-proclaimed sex god.  I guess keeping your shirt on during the act is step one.

Get your moon on

Posted on by Matt Stooks

It’s going to be cold as the opposite of Hell tonight, but I’ll brave it for some serious lunar eclipse viewing action if the skies allow. Here’s what you need to know (central time).

The partial eclipse phase begins tonight at 7:43 p.m., as the Earth’s dark shadow starts to cover the full moon.

The total eclipse phase starts at 9 p.m. and lasts to 9:52 p.m.; see how dark the moon becomes.

The partial eclipse ends at 11:09 p.m. as the full moon once again shines as normal.

If only they could time the satellite takedown so that it would explode right next to the full moon. Come on, America! USA! USA! USA!

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Speeches about speeches

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Hillary Clinton is starting to annoy me.  She keeps giving the same speech.

“It’s about picking a president who relies not just on words but on work, on hard work,” she said. “We need to make a choice between speeches and solutions, because while words matter greatly, the greatest words in the world are not enough unless you match them with action.”

She’s going after Barack for giving passionate speeches with no substance.  She accomplishes this by giving a speech about how speeches and words don’t matter.  I bet she’s said “speeches” more this last week that Barack has said “hope.”  Who’s without substance here?

Obama bin Laden

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Here comes Chris Matthews with some help for the morons who think Barack Obama is Muslim.

Today, Chris Matthews asked on his show: “What did Barack Obama say and why’s it causing controversy?” It took a couple of seconds before someone realized the accompanying graphic was a little messed up and took it off the screen.

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Dumbshits.

Not so Easy Mac

Posted on by Matt Stooks

For the first time since college, I’ve taken the Easy Mac plunge.

At first glance, Easy Mac looks just as easy as always.  Just add water, heat for four minutes, stir in some questionable powdered cheese, and you’re good to go.

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The poor gourmet

A closer look at the package reveals “Tear Here,” with arrows pointing to where some sort of tearing notch should be.  No such notch exists.

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I don’t like struggling with my Easy Mac, Kraft.  I almost dislodged an index finger trying to get the package open.  Then, I had to use a knife to cut my own notch for tearing.  You’re lucky someone didn’t walk in on me during this embarrassing display.

If Easy Mac cost more than 50 cents per serving, this might have been the end of the road for us.

Waterboarding cows

Posted on by Matt Stooks

A California meat packer is recalling 143 million pounds of beef (bold mine).

Hallmark/Westland Meat Packing Co voluntarily recalled all of its beef produced since February 1, 2006. USDA said Hallmark violated rules against the slaughter of “downer cattle” — that is, animals too ill to walk.

How, exactly, do you recall beef from two years ago? Does the recall cover the stool samples I’ve been saving for the past two years?  Do I get a refund?

The Humane Society of the United States showed videotapes on January 30 showing workers at the plant using several abusive techniques to make animals stand up and pass a pre-slaughter inspection. These included ramming cattle with forklift blades and using a hose to simulate the feeling of drowning.

They waterboarded the cattle?  Somehow this technique made retard cows stand?  Or is this just a cover?  Maybe cows were plotting to use their “downer cattle” to stage intricate milk squirting attacks on ethanol plant workers complicit in occupying the cows’ land?

There’s plenty to be answered in this story.  For now, let’s take solace in the fact that the CIA didn’t destroy these tapes before they came to the public’s attention.

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Downer cattle (See: Rosie O’Donnell)

When has-beens sue

Posted on by Matt Stooks

From Slashdot:

The Pirate Bay’s legal concerns are continuing to grow. Prince and the Village People are planning to sue the popular torrent site with the help of the Web Sheriff law firm. John Giacobbi of Web Sheriff has also asked Swedish band ABBA to join the cause. The suit is seeking “millions of dollars” in damages.

The moral of the story?  If you know any has-been musicians, you might want to tell them about the Internet.  Then, tell them they can pay their Indian-costume maintenance fee by suing file-sharing services.

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Broke

Not cool, Lew’s

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Jon (his amazing performance of “Hurts So Good” with a street performer in Westport here) and I went to Lew’s to celebrate our singlehood on Valentine’s.

Lew’s is a bar and grill, more bar than grill, and definitely not the ideal Valentine’s date location.  However, we did see several couples enjoying Lew’s for Valentine’s.

I couldn’t imagine any decent guy taking his lady to Lew’s.  Making matters worse, the waitresses were giving roses to the women.   So, not only did your man take you to Lew’s, but the waitress outdid him.

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