If you can turn it into a powder, Miss USA has probably had it up her nose. That's what she's supposed to tell Matt Lauer on Thursday's Today.


Star Magazine says Federline turned down a $25 million divorce settlement from Britney. That doesn't even cover the damages his image has suffered from wrecking her vag.


Courtney Love will not be replacing Paula Abdul on American Idol. They would likely go with someone LESS chemically challenged if they replaced Paula.


Isaiah Washington is out of homophobe rehab and back on the Grey's Anatomy set.


TMZ.com has sources who say Sienna Miller and Diddy didn't do the diddy.


Seeking privacy, Brad Pitt had conversations with every photographer stationed outside his mansion. Didn't take.


Anna Kournikova is the spokesperson for the "Got breakfast?" campaign, an initiative from the Federal School Breakfast program. I would think her a better fit for the "Got Milk?" ads.

Labels: stooks scoop

Steve Schnell's "Bundle up for the Cold" Report (1:45)

Jeri Anne: Belly Dancer (2:58)

We have some lazy ass smokers in our building who, instead of taking their keys, use a board to prop open our back door for re-entry after they smoke and fill our building with cold-ass, smokey-as-hell, air. We hid the board, and mass confusion ensued. We decided to share some good prank stories.

Pranks 1 (7:46)

Pranks 2 (3:00)

Pranks 3 (3:00)

Pranks 4 (1:09)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Like the song goes, you can't always get what you want. But if you really examine your reasons for wanting it, you'll end up pretty grateful that you didn't get it in the first place. It’s unlikely that a $500 Super Mario outfit will land you a new lover.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Take a step back. Getting some breathing room will help if things have been too intense lately. It's time to transform negativity into something with a higher and more creative purpose: starting the “Justin Guarini Shivers Me Timbers” fan club.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A few old resentments are lingering in your life. It's time to deal with them before they make a point of dealing with you. Keep in mind that these feelings might go deeper than you initially realized, but keep at it. Someday you’ll get over the tragic “Port-A-Potty Tip of 2001.”

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A momentary feeling may run deeper than you suspected. It's important not to overreact. Everyone dreams of Hasselhoff’s chest sometime. Yours just had more sweat beads than the usual.

Stooks Proverb: All road’s lead to Rome, unless Brandy’s driving.

Labels: stooksoscope

Isaac Cohen, a Britney Spears chaser, bought seven pairs of panties. Maybe he's just using Britney so he doesn't have to see her giner in the papers anymore.


You can watch Kevin Federline's Super Bowl ad here. Pretty good. Now he can go away.


OMG! You can almost kinda see the start of Paris Hilton's ass crack in this picture!

Labels: stooks scoop

One of our listeners exposes my shortfalls by asking how I would design a roller coaster (3:37).

A subpar Stoner bit about Barbaro disease (3:34).


Here's a link to a story about a Wichita death row inmate placing a personal ad.

Jeri Anne had some related stories from her days working at the jail (6:31).

A caller told us about the security of dating an inmate (2:37).


In fact, there are several site that cater to dating inmates. Here's a link to Gloria's dating profile, and her photo's below. Not very inmate-ish.

Labels: show clips, The Stoner

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Be very clear about what you both expect if you're about to lend a friend something you value. In fact, maybe you should just go ahead and give them that tampon outright.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It takes a lot of courage and heart to work through an issue, especially when the roots of it go stubbornly deep. Keep at it, however. Afterward, you'll see that your character is stronger than it ever was. Your bladder control remains weak, though. You’ve got the stain to prove it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

It's time to focus on the here and now -- this is where the rewards are. 'If only' are two of the most energy-sapping words in any language. If only you weren’t too dumb to realize it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Focus on love and beauty in your personal relationships. Focusing on it in the mirror will simply take too much time, unless Fox brings “The Swan” back.

Stooks Proverb: All’s well that ends well, unless it starts with Kevin Federline, expired condoms and a tub of Crisco.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears has been trying to get a hold of Justin Timberlake, but he's not answering her calls. No reunion? Might have something to do with her crotch looking like it gave birth to a watermelon.

Or maybe he's holding out for Lance Bass. Lance just updated his status to "single" on MySpace, and has JT's "What Goes Around" as his profile song.


Lindsay Lohan is scaring people away from rehab. One of the rehabees left the center and said Lindsay ruined everyone else's rehab fun.


Isaiah Washington wasn't at the Screen Actors Guild Award with his Grey's Anatomy cast mates. Did anyone check Fred Phelps' place.


Uh oh, Diddy dropped Jude Law's ex off at her place Sunday morning. The, he did the "stand-there-and-stare of shame."

Labels: stooks scoop

How many of your MySpace friends are you allowed to sleep with? (1:49)

Jeri Anne's friend gives her a questionable psychic reading (5:10).

Proof of psychics (5:28).

Psychic return policies (5:02)

"I'm psychic!" (6:08)

Ghost hunting (2:40)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You have an uncanny ability to see trouble coming from afar. But, frankly, Louie Anderson’s ass is large enough that anyone should be able to see it coming, and move out of the way in time.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You're in a mood, and it's imperative that you get some alone time. Someone's about to propose a great idea, and you need to be at your most receptive. Where’s that leftover Schlitz from the weekend?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Can you feel the love? You and that certain someone are in a sweet spot right now when it comes to how you relate: Connect Four.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The more you try to hide from a tough situation, the more difficult it will get. Come up with a plan for how to deal with this, and then walk directly up to your fear. Just be sure no one’s around when you’re wrestling with the life-size standup of Mr. Clean at Walmart.

Stooks Proverb: There’ll plenty of time to sleep when you’re dead. So put away the Nyquil and get out the razor blades.

Labels: stooksoscope

Katie Holmes turned down $2 million for a Batman sequel, and will instead accept $250 thousand for a role in "Mad Money," a comedy. I think she's cool on money for awhile, so don't worry too much.


J. Lo on Scientology: "It's weird people want to paint it in a negative way...It's just sad that people would look at it in that way." Same goes for Gigli. By the way, it looks like her dad's been a Scientologist for almost 20 years.


TMZ.com says the following photo is the first proof of the existence of the second Federline child. Or a loaf of bread.



Jennifer Aniston might have a new nose, and she's not happy with her plastic surgeon for talking to the tabloids.

The Enquirer says Jen plans on adopting two kids. Why does that sound familiar?


Lindsay Lohan's rehab-mates are annoyed with all the special treatment and extra recesses for Lohan.


Jessica Biel flew out to hang out with Justin Timberlake, and they may have done "the deed" to some degree.


Armed and Famous got its Latoya Jackson handed to it by American Idol and won't be back until the Summer. I'm not aware of what programing will replace it, or could possibly be worth pissing away more than this one.


Michael Jackson, in a phone interview, says he's in the U.S., but he won't say where. Probably in some pubescent's bed.


Mary-Kate Olson needs a bigger purse to hide behind.

Labels: stooks scoop

Free for All Friday

Orville Redenbacher calls (4:12)

German Drivers (3:39)

Drivers by state/Acid Story (3:53)

The Hardees Mental Institution (4:15)

STDs (1:13)

Old bus drivers and immigrants at Walmart (3:25)

Our ancestors shopped at Walmart! (2:43)

Jeri Anne, MySpace Stalker (4:12)

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Binding agreements and long-term situations are looking pretty good to you right about now. And Catharine Zeta-Jones only sweetens the deal.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Hoping for the best is always a great outlook, but it doesn't hurt to have a back-up plan just in case. Save that refrigerator box.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Socially, you're all about putting everyone else at ease. Now the stars say it's time to put yourself at ease with your own body. Delicious and healthy meals, exercise, lots of sleep, a new razor for that thick forest on your back: Make them part of your lifestyle.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Uncharacteristically, you dig in your heels. This conflict could actually have a higher purpose, as God also buys his heels at PayLess.

Stooks Proverb: If you play with fire, you get burned. See Britney Spears crotch for proof.

Labels: stooksoscope

Nicole Kidman went to the hospital as a precautionary measure after she was involved in an accident in a stunt car on a movie set. I'm confused.


Miss USA will do her first post-rehab interview February 1. I hope she pukes on Roker.


The Grey's Anatomy cast is giving Isaiah Washington the shun treatment.


Lindsay Lohan took a break from rehab for lunch with her friends.


Jessica Simpson may be using John Mayer to get back at Nick Lachey. I'm still not sure what John's using her for.


Cameron Diaz went golfing with that surfer guy she's been seeing. Things must be getting serious if he's sport-jumping for her.


TMZ.com reports that Marky Mark had a salad and a bottle of vitamin water by himself.


Keith Urban's ready to return to music. The cocaine will come naturally.

Labels: stooks scoop

A caller chews our asses (4:13)

The High Lady comes to our defense (5:42)

Drivers are morons 1 (3:38)

Drivers are morons 2 (2:14)

Men are like plants... (0:55)

Jeri Anne, apply directly to the forehead (1:26)

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This association is improbable, firstly because you-know-who is the last person you ever pictured yourself associating with, and secondly because of how utterly delightful and necessary they've become. If Carrot Top can change, everybody can change! (Insert Russian translation here)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's time to splurge. That doesn't mean putting your credit card through the wringer or playing hooky on all your duties. Why not indulge in the ultimate luxury: attacking a piñata fashioned after Kathy Griffin.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone's friendship has made things much brighter and happier for you, especially during a recent rough patch. Even better news: you’ll be featured on Fox’s “When Brazilian waxes go bad.”

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your physical self is full of useful information, and right now it's telling you something extremely important. You have swamp ass.

Stooks Proverb: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush are worth three in Britney’s crotch.

Labels: stooksoscope

Kevin Federline has been telling Britney Spears to get into rehab for the sake of the kids. Ouch.


Isaiah Washington has gone into homophobe therapy. First lesson: tolerating highlights on men.


Paris' little sister Nicky was overheard telling Paris to "just walk in a straight line." They'll work on puking in a straight line at a later date.


Jessica Simpson is riding with John Mayer on his tour bus. She'll rub her "suck" off on him if it's the last thing she does.


I hope this doesn't spell doom for their planned makeout session on "Dirt," but the Enquirer says Jennifer Aniston is pissed at Courteney Cox for being nice to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.


A restaurant trade association is upset about a Superbowl spot starring Kevin Federline as a fast food worker. Their employees are much more qualified than K-Fed.


Mandy Moore is dating Nicole Richie's ex. A couple fingers down the throat and she'll surely be his dream girl.


Dustin Diamond is trying to get more free stuff than Gary Coleman at the Sundance Film Festival. If he loses, he can always draw a nice mustache on Gary's face while he sleeps.


Sharon Stone hasn't been wearing her bra. I'm glad to see she's doing her part in spread the message of abstinence to children.


Frankie Muniz is sporting a new badass haircut and "don't 'f' with me" strut.

Rachel Ray said Oprah "obviously has problems being black" in reference to a photo that depicts Oprah with slavery whip marks simulated on her back.


Rumors swirl that Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are more than just friends.


George Lopez says Jay Leno is a terrible interviewer and a two-face. No double-chin yet. That would be devastating.

Labels: stooks scoop

Is grinding cheating? - "What about the waltz?"/Swingers (2:55)

Is grinding cheating? - "What if you're dating a stripper?" (2:15)

Is grinding cheating? - "Was he sporting wood?" (3:27)

More MySpace drama (2:48)

How Jeri Anne takes her porn (2:31)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

It's tempting to make promises, but can you fulfill them all? If not, it's better to be honest right off the bat. You'll feel adult and responsible for knowing your limits, and others will respect your truthfulness, ever though you can’t really put your legs behind your head while eating a banana.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Spur-of-the-moment decisions can have big effects on your emotional health. Believe it or not, there's always some space to think before you decide, unless Louie Anderson and Mark Mangino are in the same room. Then there’s no space for anything.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Sometimes the universe clears the path for you, but other times, you need to take the action and the realizations will follow afterward. Can you take the initiative now when it comes to your inner development? Start with cutting your three-can-a-day refried bean habit out of your diet.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've got enough energy to power a city, so now the question is, what are you going to do with it all? If you say “Save the Cheerleader,” the stars will smack you.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. That must make Kevin Federline invincible.

Labels: stooksoscope

Watch out! Rumors are swirling that Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox are going to at least have a makeout session on the season finale of Courteney's F/X drama "Dirt."


It seems as if Lindsay Lohan can take breaks from rehab whenever she wants.


Anna Nicole has found a new shanty in the Bahamas.

Here's something odd: an instant message exchange between Anna Nicole and Larry Birkhead, potential baby-daddy. TMZ.com changed the screen names, so don't waste your time trying to get Anna Nicole to your place.

Anna Nicole quit trash me at the casino
Larry not at a casino
Anna Nicole go f**k my mom to
Anna Nicole Yall are sick
Larry show up for the test with the baby\
Anna Nicole don't think so
Anna Nicole u wish
Larry everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole in your dreams


A porn peddler is trying to get Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson to participate in "Virgin Territory," a project aimed at devirginizing people. There aren't too many other details, but I'm wondering if each woman gets a scorecard.


Tara Reid got sandwiched by Akon and one of his band members, "Night at the Roxbury"-style. TMZ.com has the awkward video.

Labels: stooks scoop

MySpace Drama - "The Cheatin Ho" (5:48)

MySpace Drama - "Set the profile to 'private' before trashing your family" (2:57)

MySpace Drama - "Pedophile-and-profile frauds" (5:27)

"My car broke down. Can I have the diarrhea in your bathroom?" (2:46)

High Lady - Sad about her phone (6:33)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Someone insists on barging into your private time. That’s why you should always do that under the covers. Can’t you crochet in peace?

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Sometimes you just have to throw all your eggs into the skillet in order to make a big, beautiful omelet. Just make sure to have the Scrubbing Bubbles on standby to fix the impending damage to the porcelain in your bathroom.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Warrior energy infuses your soul. When it comes to the rules of social engagement, you'll let someone know when he or she is out of line. Whew! They sure won't be messing with you again, and rightly so. You’ve got a mean left hook. Where’d you get that installed at?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Enough with dwelling -- it's time to start living. So like James Brown once said, get up offa that thing. And as James Brown once said, “do as I say, not as I do.” Otherwise, you’ll be dead and have your carcass paraded around the country.

Stooks Proverb: Love makes the world go round. Sausages made Mangino go round.

Labels: stooksoscope

Paris Hilton has decided to stop fighting her DUI case and pleaded "no contest." She has to pay $1500 and go to an alcohol education program. Or teach it.


Anna Nicole Smith's lawyers are trying to avoid a Tuesday deadline for a paternity test.

Meanwhile, she lost her case against the dude who wanted his house back in the Bahamas. They'll fumigate the house, then her vagina.


Tara Reid showed up at the Sundance Film Festival. Maybe she thought she could enter film of her old areola as some kind of art piece.


Johnny Depp has an old school electric chair in his living room. So that's how he gets his hair to do that.


Kate Moss helped push a Mercedes out of the mud. Then she did a celebratory line off the hood.


Paris Hilton was caught leaving her house with a pillow. No word on who's love stain was planted on it moments later.


Billy Ray Cyrus will be on Dancing with the Stars. I wonder which star they'll pair him with.


Some PETA members snuck into an audition for J. Lo's reality series "Glow After Dark." On stage, one yelled out "J. Lo, fur ho." J. Lo corrected them, saying her title should always come first.


Ashlee Simpson says she likes that people pay more attention to Jessica than her in public. She can plan on keeping it that way.


Mike Tyson says he has nothing to do with the bags of coke cops found on him during his DUI arrest. No comment on the half-eaten Lennox Lewis spawns in the trunk.


Isaiah Washington met with gay rights groups to apologize, and say "I would never call you all a bunch of faggoty fag fag fags."


Keith Urban has sent a video message to fans thanking them for their support during his rehab. It may not sound like much until you think about how much time he had to spend getting dried-up vomit off the camera lens.

Labels: stooks scoop

Jeri Anne's dad caught someone shoplifting at his clothing store...after the guy left the store. So he sent him a bill. We asked our listeners to share their stories.

Segment 1 - Taco Bell Shoplifting (3:15)

Segment 2 - The plants outside Walmart (0:33)

Segment 3 - The High Lady (4:57)

Segment 4 - Someone needs to shoplift a new phone for the High Lady (3:15)


"Ugly Peyton Manning" (4:40)

Labels: high lady, show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You can really benefit from listening to the wisdom in your dreams. Continue ignoring the hermaphrodites in your dreams.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Don't fret if things feel off-kilter in your personal situation now. You can't always be on an even keel, especially with your Rolaids habit.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The stars encourage you to shake off the past. They discourage you from shaking violently in crowds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Usually you're in the driver's seat because you know where you want to go and how you want to get there. Let someone else take the wheel. That way, when your grandma follows you to the porn shop, you can blame them.

Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? To tip over.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears reads US Weekly to catch up on what she does while wasted. Nice floral outfit.


Kevin Federline took in a Justin Timberlake concert. Fifteen women left the show pregnant.

Justin Timberlake didn't dump Diaz to get back together with Britney. He's fine with her being trashy by herself.


Ex-Miss Nevada says she was so blitzed she doesn't even remember putting an assortment of nipples into her mouth in front of cameras.


Halle Berry's remodelers are only allowed to talk to her if she talks to them first. She's probably sick of hearing how hard Catwoman blew. Even from immigrants.


Orville Redenbacher lives! One of the creepiest things I've ever seen.





Speaking of zombies, there's a rumor going around that Bob Ross will rise from the dead for his own game on the Nintendo Wii, although it looks like they're looking for a new developer already.

Labels: stooks scoop

"Open sore" (3:14)

Drinking hours (1:57)

Walmart bathrooms (0:51)

Weekend snow/Tattoos...again (5:29)

Gay marriage/Workplace dating (2:46)

"Robot Baby" (2:08)

Campus drivers/Air Force Playboy (3:36)

No gas for the job interview/Clever old woman (4:08)

You do not delete Stooks off your MySpace (2:09)

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

It's tempting to say that you're right and everyone else is wrong, but is that truly the case? Yes. And it’s time to do some convincing with the help of a knife, hypothetical O.J.-style.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

The same old thing simply doesn't get you going. Grandma really needs to work on her motivational skills, and clean her teeth while she’s at it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

People know that your insights and intelligence are the genuine article. Your chest? Not so much.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Taking a big step forward in your career can be scary as well as exhilarating. You're not quite sure you're ready. But who is? Take a few deep breaths, put on your homeless guy gloves and hit the streets.

Stooks Proverb: Lucky at cards, unlucky in love, but good at smoking cigars and wearing questionable visors.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney hit up a hamburger joint in West Hollywood for some nachos. She thanked the cooks and even offered to "work in your kitchen one night," without even asking about the pay.


It looks like Lohan is in for a full 30-day rehab.

The guy who called Lohan a firecrotch played a key role in getting her into treatment.


Paris Hilton's taking her acting career seriously. She hasn't been partying, while filming 10 hours a day for "The Hottie and the Nottie." Even her crotch scabs are starting to heal over.


Both Simpson sisters are on Donald's good side. Photographers spotted them at the launch party for Trump Vodka. Rosie will never forgive them for stiffing her "I like eating cupcakes" party to attend Trump's function.


One of Nicollette Sheridan's male buddies got into an argument with a photographer. The photographer told the guy to keep his hands to himself if he didn't want to get hurt. I'd hate to see the bloody mess the paparazzi would've become had he been talking to Nicollette's fiance, Michael Bolton.

Labels: stooks scoop

Jeri Anne got a tattoo. We discussed whether tattoos are a good idea.

Segment 1 (3:50)

Segment 2 (3:18)

Segment 3 (4:43)

Segment 4 (4:19)

Segment 5 (1:38)


If you're on the radio, you're required by law to talk about American Idol.

"Serial Killer Idol" (4:27)

"Phrase that pays" (3:02)


The High Lady's duet (2:05)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Upheaval may feel unsettling, but it also supplies many opportunities that may not come again. Not everyone has as many opportunities to hurl on their supervisor as you do.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Don't be too quick to dismiss what's just happened in your life. After all, you can't fully appreciate where you are until you've realized just where you've come from: the Burger King dumpster.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Dare to dream, especially when it comes to your future. Pay attention to the here and now to see what could be: an oddly shaped-and-textured stain on your best friend’s loveseat.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Imitating someone else isn't going to get you where you want to go. Appreciate their methods and admire their style, but your persona has special attributes that need to be developed. What makes you special? That’s right, it’s your one front tooth, perfect for opening cans of tomato juice.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. That’s why Britney needs to teach her Chihuahua to not bite crotches while it’s young, especially with what she has flopping around down there.

Labels: stooksoscope

GLAAD isn't happy that Grey's Anatomy's Isaiah Washington used the word "faggot" again to say that he didn't say "faggot" in the first place. Meanwhile, his castmates say he did say "faggot." Both times.


Paris Hilton's current BFF, Kim Kardashian, doesn't deny the existence of a sex tape depicting her and Brandy's brother doing some dirty, barely sub-Screech things. As TMZ.com says, "it's a pisser." Isn't a little early in the BFFship for upstaging?

Important nugget: "Kim Kardashian, who has a fashion consulting business, is the daughter of OJ Simpson's late attorney and best buddy, Robert Kardashian." How long before we see "If I drank it" on the shelves?


Nicole Richie had a plate of nachos AND a soda.


You can let the children out again, Britney Spears' rep says she isn't pregnant.


Is Paula Abdul going to be smashed for every episode of American Idol again? Here's her little drunk-seeming TV interview everyone's talking about, if you haven't seen it:




J. Lo and Marc Anthony were caught in the middle of a late night McDonald's run. Watching Gigli makes one hungry for 2 for $1 apple pies.

Labels: stooks scoop

We're in the midst of a couple days off. We'll be back Thursday.

Free for All Friday

Bad joke guy calls in again (1:44)

Jeri Anne pushes for new marijuana laws (2:02)

Jeri Anne's distracting, flowery chest (0:57)

Hooter's spinoff? (0:43)

Didn't your mom tell you not to run with your fingers pointed up? (0:47)

Jeri Anne's huffing problem (2:06)

"Freeze for All Friday" (1:44)

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Leo

You're intensely fascinating, and the world around you is waking up to that fact. Few signs are as well equipped to deal with adulation as you are. “Yield” has you beat.

Sagittarius

Pursue your goals with fierce determination. Distractions have no place in your life at this moment; all you can think about is the desired outcome: to stop smelling like Goodcents.

Taurus

Work is definitely an important part of your life -- but it should enhance your life, not consume it, unless you’re a lady and/or man of the street.

Virgo

Getting more deeply involved with someone brings up all kinds of feelings, so recognize the wide spectrum that your emotions cover. Begrimaced is not an emotion.

Stooks Proverb: The exception proves the rule. What rule? William H. Macy beats Felicity Huffman beats Paul Reubens beats William H. Macy in the game of Macy-Huffman-Reubens.

Labels: stooksoscope

Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have finally confirmed their breakup.


Good sign: Britney's manager is carrying the kid.



Madonna is on Rosie's side in the Trump feud. So I guess that's a point for Trump.

Trump says Star Jones called to congratulate him on his feud with Rosie. Point for Rosie.


David Beckham signed a five year, $250 million contract to play with the L.A. Galaxy in Major League Soccer. I'm still not sure how the five people in attendance will offset that kind of cash.


Paula Abdul will serve as executive producer for "Bratz: The Movie." She'll probably be drunk or high.


Tara Reid got to swim with a dolphin at Sea World.


Mini Me is in rehab.

Labels: stooks scoop

One of our listeners was troubled by President Bush's speech last night (4:24).

Financial aid checks went out yesterday at K-State, leading us to talk about what people on financial aid waste their money on.

Segment 1 - $100k into a truck (1:21)

Segment 2 - Clothing (0:51)

I explained the concept of an "airplane" to Jeri Anne (2:19)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius

Style-wise, you've got it going on. Whether it's words, clothes, food or organization, somehow you manage to put everything together in a way that totally works and is totally you. You're a trendsetter…for carpet baggers.

Cancer

Old resentments can go deep, and with good reason -- this person really delivered quite a blow. Forgive them. They didn’t know their breath was strong enough to force your 90 percent completed Emilio Estevez puzzle off the table.

Scorpio

You feel like your romantic prospects could do with some revitalization. The current astro energies think so too. They also think your landlord has a hidden camera in your shower head.

Aries

It's easy to get caught in the chatter of your ego. Find a way to shut off your thinking mind. With a little help, you can access inward resources that are just as valuable. Try yoga or Connect Four.

Stooks Proverb: Better safe than sorry. If only they made a 48 hour Cialis.

Labels: stooksoscope

Donald Trump might want to consider shutting up.

Rosie and Barbara humiliated him on the latest "View."

All he could come back with was calling Barbara a "sad figurehead dominated by a third-rate comedian."

Trump and Conan had a little awkward exchange of their own Tuesday night.


Paula Abdul says Simon Cowell saved her ass when contestant Corey Clark said he had done the dirty with Paula. "There's the times when he's like a big brother – or a lover." Creepy.


Mike Tyson had just escaped from rehab when he got busted for DUI and cocaine possession. Police followed the trail of earlobes belonging to rehab security guards.



The Enquirer says Lohan may have permanent liver damage from drinking. Doctors discovered the problem during her appendectomy. They opened her up and her liver was smoking a cigarette.


Tom Crusie and Katie Holmes have 24 hour security around Suri, fearing an abduction plot. But who would dare challenge the spawn of Tom?


Courteney Cox says she'll have Jennifer Aniston guest star on her new F/X tabloid drama "Dirt." Like Jennifer has any relevant experience. F'ing cronyism.

Labels: stooks scoop

K-State's back to school tomorrow, and somehow it got us talking about creepy teachers.

Segment 1 - Miss Booty/Jeri Anne's les gym teacher (5:47)

Segment 2 - Why the Home Ec teacher shouldn't teach Sex Ed (4:10)

Segment 3 - Mr. D's kiddie porn (3:33)

Segment 4 - How to wear a thong (3:40)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn

Thanks to your leadership, old issues are illuminated and people are motivated to take positive action. Your abilities bring attention to a neglected area that's been swept under the rug for too long: cleaning behind your ears.

Gemini

Finding the sweet spot between focus and energy is an art, and you can do it! It helps if you get used to some ping-ponging between the two concepts. Just hope one of the concepts isn’t Chinese, otherwise you’ll get schooled.

Libra

Flirting is essential. You can make eyes at your sweet patootie. Aren’t you glad you bought that life-sized cardboard Patrick Swayze standup?

Pisces

One part of your life is totally on track, but another feels just a touch out of balance. That’s what happens when you lead a double life as a transgendered soap star.

Stooks Proverb: Look before you leap. If you’ve got Britney Spears’ drinking habits, you might want to hold off on the leaping part altogether.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are Mr. Blackwell's worst dressed celebrities. I didn't know two women could make the list. Or does he count Britney's vagina as its own species?


Britney hung out with a sailor this weekend. And now it looks like sake was to blame for her New Year's pass out.


Paris pleaded not guilty to her DUI charge. Not guilty by reason of sluttyness?


Rosie's winning. The View's ratings are up since her feud with Trump started. The Apprentice got it's ass kicked Sunday night by Desperate Housewives, Cold Case, and just barely edged out Family Guy reruns.

Meanwhile, Donald sent a letter to Rosie (must read). He explains more things that Barbara Walters said about Rosie. The good news: he refers to Kelly as Rosie's "wife." It looks like he is trying to make The View implode. Stay strong Joy Behar.


Suzanne Somers' house in Malibu burned down. I'm betting an overheated ThighMaster got it started.


CBS turned down the opportunity to have a porn site pay $50 million for a SuperBowl ad.

Labels: stooks scoop

Dating your brother? (2:12)

Subway Jerod gets fatter (4:21)

She's magic! (1:19)

Girls asking guys out 1, featuring a Stooks flashback McDonald's story (6:50)

Girls asking guys out 2 - The Job Interview (5:12)

Girls asking guys out 3 (1:21)

Pushing a nameless coworker down a hill (1:27)

How Jeri Anne came to being the way she is (0:35)

Labels: show clips

Leo

True friendships are a gift, and right now your social life is simply an embarrassment of riches. Make sure you honor them in the ways they deserve: the sombrero birthday treatment at El Tapatio. Just make sure you have some Licex on standby.

Sagittarius

A little indulgence is just the affirmation you need. It doesn't have to be over-the-top, either. Order what you want at a restaurant without looking at the price. Isn’t Long John Silver’s great?

Taurus

Getting straight to the point has its place, but sometimes it makes circumstances a bit more dramatic than they have to be. There's a special kind of beauty to more receptive energy. Learn to apply it appropriately: directly to the forehead.

Virgo

Strike a balance between paying attention to the facts and listening to your instincts in this matter. Although you feel strongly about this person, you have to look at their actions before you make up your mind. Find out for sure if Screech used a peen double, then you can make your decision.

Stooks Proverb: Faith moves mountains, but not Mangino.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears got paid $400 thousand for her little pass-out fest New Year's Eve.


It's quite possible Paris Hilton has never pumped a gallon of gas in her life. Before sending some photographer off to get her some gas, she said "how much is gas?"

Tourists regular gather outside Paris' house. Or they think it's a brothel.


Screech may have had a peen double in his little porn video. I'm guessing Elizabeth Berkley.


Anna Nicole Smith made the most of a photo op with Hulk Hogan.

Labels: stooks scoop

Can you date your friend's brother or sister?

Segment 1 (5:10)

Segment 2 (2:29)

We also talked about "Armed and Famous," the Fox reality show that trains has-beens to be cops. This led to a discussion on how weak Jeri Anne's training was for Corrections Officer. She didn't get zapped, maced, or anything fun.

Segment 1 (3:35)

Segment 2 (2:58)

Segment 3 - The High Lady has mace (2:21)


Jeri Anne made the mistake of telling me one of her dreams (2:58).

Country Fried Hinder (1:07)

Labels: high lady, show clips

Aquarius

A telephone isn't just another way to have a conversation when you're doing the talking. It can also be an amazing instrument for change. It can strangle, bash skulls and make music at the same time!

Cancer

Go and get a little frisky. Some regularly scheduled mayhem will help you remember that it's good to be alive. Just make sure you buy the electric pump for your new lover.

Scorpio

Are you looking to someone else to solve a problem that really resides within you? It's fine to ask them for things that are within reason, but it's not so fine to ask them to inspect your hemorrhoids.

Aries

Mentally checking out the situation seems like a dandy idea. But don’t give anyone the opportunity to start calling you a dandy again.

Stooks Proverb: There’s honor among thieves, but not panty bandits.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have a temporary custody agreement through the end of January. He can spend time with the kids from noon-4 p.m. every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at Britney's house. Federline translation: liquor cabinet! Cartoons!

Britney is still partying it up. Her vaginometer must be on high alert, though. Still no photos.

Britney's record label says it isn't dropping her.


Paris Hilton's Bentley ran out of gas, and a paparazzi offered to help. Once we can get some decent crotch-boil powered cars around here, she won't have to worry about that.


Nicole Kidman may or may not look pregnant, but she does shop pregnant. She bought a $400 diaper bag. Maybe Tom is coming to visit the kids.


Oprah Winfrey was the target of a $1.5 million extortion plot. Some dude said he had sensitive recordings of conversations with one of Oprah's people. Is someone blabbing about the secret Gayle King-Jesus Juice room again?


Tara Reid's ass, courtesy TMZ.com:


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie dropped $8 thousand a night on a place in the Virgin Islands. Sick of vacationing in poor countries? Or simply searching for a kid with a little more sophistication?


Save Lindsay Lohan, saved the world. Hours after her appendicitis, she was seen running around yelling out for "Michael." I can't think of what liquor that must be.

Lohan stood up Al Gore. Just a couple months ago she was talking about how Al Gore could help fix her.


Marilyn Manson's marriage is over after only one year. I no longer have faith in any marriage.


Donald Trump's prefabricated wife Melania is taking Donald's side. She says Rosie should read Trump's book. I'm guessing someone told Melania the gist of it, for surely she cannot read.

Labels: stooks scoop

Jeri Anne had her first ever energy drink today (2:55).

"Falling up the stairs"/Awful joke (4:41)

"The High Lady on C-Span" (3:59)

"Leaching off your friends' success" (5:30)

"Buying your own engagment ring"/"Taking advantage of old people" (5:30)

Labels: Free for All Friday

Capricorn

Saying something naughty can have such a nice effect. What's the harm in a little mischievous flirtation? The object of your attention will be visibly flattered, you'll feel an extra pep in your step, and your boss will have to rent a steam cleaner for the carpet in his office.

Gemini

Coming up with new ways for people to get to know each other is right up your alley. You're appointed unofficial activities director when two groups of people meet and mingle. However, you might want to reconsider your drinking game based on the obscure TV show Forever Knight.

Libra

The usual won't do, and with good reason. Horse entrails are something you should eat away from the public eye.

Pisces

Too much attention on a murky area could clear things up -- or it could make the issues under discussion shrink further into the darkness. It's your call. Trust your judgment; you'll do what's best. Just make sure you have a clear escape route after you throw eggs at Mr. Peanut, that cocky S.O.B.

Stooks Proverb: One man’s meat is another man’s poison. Just ask Clay Aiken.

Labels: stooksoscope

Donald Trump went off on Meredith Vieira on the Today Show for asking him about the Rosie feud. Yeah, can't she tell he doesn't like talking about that?

Just Wednesday night, he told Showbiz Tonight that Barbara was lying through her teeth when she read her little prepared "we love Rosie" speech on The View.


Britney's manager says Britney is aware of the backlash against her and knows what she needs to do to win back fans. Someone call Hefner.


Justin Timberlake showed up solo to the premiere of Alpha Dog.


Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed. Maybe alcohol has been keeping her from rejecting it until now.


Jessica Simpson is doing Pizza Hut commercials again. Let's just hope she can recapture the magic that made the DirecTV spots so good.


Paris Hilton keeps Jack Daniels in her trunk. I'm more concerned about the Barbie car.

Labels: stooks scoop

First off, we felt the need to address all the sick people you see working in the service industry. We wondered why they weren't calling in sick.

Segment 1 (3:00)

Segment 2 (3:17)



My sister-in-law called last night to ask if I'd heard about Nick Lachey's season ticket arrangement for K-State basketball. I had heard he had season tickets because he is close friends with Coach Huggins. I hadn't heard the rumor about him keeping an apartment here.

We tried to find out more (3:13)


I'm sick of getting MySpace bulletins about ringtones, and a caller shares his fun ringtone with us (2:52).


Jeri Anne shared some fun jail stories (3:50).

Labels: show clips

Leo

Someone enters your life who might be part of it forever. A new friend, lover or mentor -- the stars say that it could be any one of those three. Or Hugh Downs.

Sagittarius

An upbeat energy fills your life, and just in time too. You're game for just about anything: hot-air balloon rides, jungle safaris, peeping tom sessions, you name it.

Taurus

It's important to pay attention to your feelings, but make sure you're not rushing into a situation that could be easily sidestepped. Whenever Mangino charges, just move to the left, there’s no stopping that momentum.

Virgo

Yes, it's true: You have a zillion important things to take care of. No matter how jammed your schedule, find time for a break. The best time might be somewhere between your Pilates session and your weekly delousing.

Stooks Proverb: Blood is thicker than water, but hard to boil pasta in, so you’ll just have to take your chances.

Labels: stooksoscope

The tabloids say Britney's record label is thinking about dropping her. I guess her vagina disappointed them, too.


Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz didn't spend Christmas together, leading tabloids to claim "it's over!" I think Britney's available.


SpyOnVegas.com caught Paris Hilton taking an ice cube to the face. I guess that's better than the alternative.


Barbara Walters says Rosie is here to stay, regardless of what Trump thinks. What does Trump think? Rosie's fat and ugly.


Whitney Houston is selling her bras and panties to keep her cash flow intact. I guess that's better than trading them directly for crack.


Mario Lopez will host the Miss America Pageant in Vegas. I hope he knows they're not as slutty there as they are in the Miss USA competition.


Jamie Foxx couldn't convince Usher to take a shot at a New Year's Eve party. Usher wanted to stay sober and avoid any possible vagina slips.

Labels: stooks scoop

Segment 1 - Cutting up puppies (5:42)

Segment 2 - References (4:05)

Segment 3 - The Man Show? (2:56)

Segment 4 - From a guy's point of view (1:33)

Segment 5 - The High Lady (3:16)

Segment 6 - Cat killers (1:27)


Yesterday, I mentioned a tipped over port-a-potty across from Silverado's in Aggieville.

Today, we talked to our co-worker who happened to experience the tip over from inside the john (3:33).

Labels: high lady, show clips

Aquarius

Some life-long beliefs may come under fire. Others may not understand why you hold onto some ideals as fiercely as you do. You don't have to explain yourself, but you may have to deal with criticism. After all, mercy killings of every squirrel you see can be a bit much at times.

Cancer

You can make the world a kinder, more compassionate place. Look for ways to improve your community. Step one: stop flashing strangers in Aggieville.

Scorpio

Give yourself a head start by looking into the deeper aspects of your current dilemma before you take the next big step: rat poison.

Aries

The other party is telling you that this is a limited time offer, but you're not so sure you want to act now. That's fine. Keep your options open. Taking your time is well within your rights. Seek wise counsel: the guy in the polyester vest drinking Boone’s behind Rusty’s.

Stooks Proverb: You can have too much of a good thing. Just ask Kirstie Alley about tapioca pudding.

Labels: stooksoscope

Jessica Simpson's dad is annoyed at her for turning down a New Year's Eve hosting gig at a club in Vegas so she could hang out with John Mayer. Britney Spears ended up hosting the event, where she had her little pass out/spontaneous sleep. At least Joe Simpson doesn't touch her.


Nick Lachey and Vanessa were dirty dancing at some club when Vanessa stumbled backward and out the back entrance. Nick got annoyed and walked away while her girlfriends took care of her.


TMZ.com says Jessica Alba is too skinny.



Anna Nicole Smith has until January 23 to get a paternity test.


Oprah opened a school in South Africa. Stedman continued to sit there with a mustache.

Attempting to deliver a compliment, will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas says Michael Jackson still "sings like a bird." Unfortunately, he still "acts like a pedophile."


The father of Madonna's adopted son wants to know how his kid is doing but has no way of getting in contact with her. I'm glad he reminded me to loathe her today.


Will Ferrell's son Magmus now has a little bro, Mattias. And they can even have their first argument over who's name is more embarassing.


Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy got renewed through the 2012 season. I just hope we see some retro facil hair on Trebek before his time's through.


Demi Moore isn't pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair. She's not creepily old enough yet.


Nicole Kidman insists she go on every tour with Keith Urban.


Kelly Osbourne isn't making any New Year's Resolutions.

Labels: stooks scoop

We spent the morning talking about New Year's, and some of the disasters we observed.

Girlfriend goes home in the back of a cop car/Guy passes out at a random house (4:54).

Jeri Anne told us about an ex who gave her an interesting call on New Year's (2:31).

One of our listeners weighed in on Jeri Anne's story with a creepy story of her own (3:27).

We talked about mental evaluations for potential boyfriends/girlfriends (1:46).

Unrelated: How seasons could fix our problems in Iraq (2:58).

Labels: show clips

Capricorn

Tough emotional times can definitely be draining, but cheer up, because this has only made you stronger. Loved ones lend their support to you wholeheartedly. Now you know that you can handle just about anything, even both Kathy’s Griffin and Lee Gifford.

Gemini

Everyone's feelings are a touch more sensitive than usual right now, so tread carefully. Speaking without thinking could backfire in some surprising ways. Besides, your argument about Melrose place is a little flawed.

Libra

You genuinely enjoy people, and the more different they are from each other, the better. You get the best out of every situation. You're getting a reputation as quite the scenester, and you're loving every moment of it! Much better than when you were getting a reputation as a sewer scavenger.

Pisces

Of course you want someone to be able to meet all of your emotional needs, but is that realistic or even desirable? Absolutely not! Be wiser about your emotional needs, and turn to other resources, like Highlights magazine.

Stooks Proverb: Stupid is as stupid does. Or if your Paris Hilton, stupid just does…everyone.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears people say she fell asleep at 1 a.m. New Year's because she was tired, not that she collapsed because she was too drunk. I'll have to see some photos to be sure. Vagina = sober.


When not passing out, Britney has been pretty good about being slutty. She made out with Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart Friday night. Then, his mansion turned into a trailer.


More weird NFL-celebrity news: Jessica Simpson's dad worked out a deal with Dallas quarterback Tony Romo. In exchange for some Cowboys tickets, Joe Simpson let Tony namedrop Jessica Simpson as a love interest. At least he's not completely whoring her out, well, at least until her career is officially dead.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Nick Lachey have settled their finances. He gets the flat screens and she gets the DirecTV commercial DVDs.


Michael Jackson showed up for James Brown's funeral. He says James was his biggest inspiration. Musically. Not pedophilically.



Paris Hilton's New Year's Resolution: go to a children's hospital everywhere she visits. Let's just hope Britney's vagina doesn't join her for the visits.

You can now wipe your ass with Paris Hilton and not worry about infection. Someone's eBaying toilet paper with her face on it.



Kevin Federline is scheduled to be on tonight's WWE Raw. I called it. I'm betting he's in for a decent string of appearances to keep his cash flow in line with his declining lifestyle.


Lindsay Lohan got pissed and made a scene at Girls Gone Wild Sleaze Joe Francis for hitting on girls not named "Lohan" at some club in Miami. I just can't get over the fact that the guy behind Girls Gone Wild would be hitting on girls. I'm with Lo on this one.


Mike Tyson's mugshot photo from his DUI/Coke arrest isn't quite as glammed out as a Mel Gibson or Nicole Richie mug, but he made an effort. Here's a good Wikipedia entry on Tyson.



Disappointment alert: Mariah Carey is going to be in Playboy...fully clothed.


This'll make you feel better: Indiana Jones 4 will start shooting next year.


Some guy dropped $20 thousand at Jose Canseco's garage sale, and he says Jose hasn't given him the bedroom set yet. So the guy's suing. What's Jose think? "Hey, that guy got more than his money's worth in used needles."

Labels: stooks scoop

I was up too late last night, so no morning show. But I did have the pleasure of sitting in with Justin while he did his half of the Power Hits end of year countdown show. We had a good time.

"Dorkin' out on New Year's" (1:14).

"Chad Kroeger's manscaping" (0:47).

How we got into radio (0:38).

Kelly Clarkson gets hotter/New Year's Resolution (1:55).

Labels: show clips