Matt Stooks

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Why not give yourself the gift of care and attention? Once you do, you’ll see why no one else wants to.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Happiness is a state of mind. It’s not dictated by outward circumstances or an outward belly button.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Everyone always expects you to stick with the tried-and-true, but you have more tricks up your sleeve than they realize. Isn’t it great having smelly armpits?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Free your mind of its limits and constraints. You’ll be delighted by the concepts that come up. When you’re talking about them with other people, use friendly similes — you’ll find they’ll grasp the essentials quicker better than when you use your “something smells” face.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know, can’t hurt you. That’s why you should continue to keep your tail a secret.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Slow and steady does the trick. In fact, it gets you to the top of the mountain. Whew! Yet after all that effort, you’re not even winded. Barry Bonds sure hooked you up. Unfortunately, he didn’t give you the ability to explain away the now-watermelon-like object sitting on your neck.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

An unusual idea about your home occurs to you. This will either revolutionize your life or make things much more confusing — possibly both at the same time. That’s what happens when you install a hidden camera in your bathroom before you host a total sausage fest.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Ever been signed up for an annoying magazine subscription? Luckily, you can always cancel it. But you can’t always hunt down and punish the clown who tricked you into buying it at your front door.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Biting off more than you can chew is sure to give you a stomachache. That and more in Mike Tyson’s new book: The Art of Cannibalism.

Stooks Proverb: Two heads are better than one. Actually, two-headed people usually have a rough time of it. Don’t envy them.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If anyone knows how to go the distance, it’s you. People marvel at your stamina, and it’s true — right now you feel like you could go on forever. Just don’t forget the Fire Sauce. You tend to do that when inebriated.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

The little details have a way of piling up. One by one, they’re not so bad, but when they clump up, they can throw a real monkey wrench into your plans. Maybe you should start flushing the toilet at least once every three trips.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Put your people skills to work. When it comes to talking to higher-ups, you know how to get the truth across in the most effective way: nude hand puppets.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Be your own personal entourage. Act as your own manager, agent and press person. If you get out there, you can truly make a difference. This will be especially convenient taking into account your complete lack of friends.

Stooks Proverb: Teachers open the doors, but you must enter them yourself. Unless the teacher is Paris Hilton. Then, you should enter with your friend Trojan.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Sometimes, quitting while you’re ahead is actually the best thing you can do to ensure your future progress. In other words, quit “Rock, Paper, Scissors” the second you’re up.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Working hard or hardly working? Actually, while others think you’re having fun, you’re actually working. Your brain functions better when your heart and soul are in the enviable state known as flow, unlike your friend Sarah’s notoriously unenviable state of flow.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Have you ever stood too close to a painting or a photograph? Here you thought you were looking at a drop of rain, but when you back up, you realize it’s the entire ocean. Take that perspective on your life now. Warning: it’s a little tough to walk with your eyes in “Magic Eye” mode.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

There’s nothing you love more than rooting for the underdog. You’re even happier when you see a way to help them get to the top of the heap. Do you have that many kidney punches in you?

Stooks Proverb: Bad news travels fast, failing to explain the spread of the Anna Nicole Smith news.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The how and why of your behavior is a constantly evolving mystery. It seems like the more you delve into your psyche, the more layers and secrets you find. That’s all part of the fun, until you find the layer with your grandma’s inappropriate touching. Surely she knew how granny skin degrades Playdough.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Business is practically your middle name. Just be happy it isn’t Nouvel.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to have a balance between rules and freedom, structure and inspiration. The stars say to check in with yourself regularly to make sure you haven’t had too much of one and not enough of the other in your life. The stars also recommend checking into the walk-in clinic for that rash.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Remember that if you start out by seeing only limitation, that’s very likely what you’ll receive. It’s time to give yourself room to grow and expand. Ask Rosie where she buys her clothes.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t cross the bridge until you get to it. Don’t throw bodies off it until you get the “all clear” from your lookouts.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Honesty is definitely the best policy in this situation. Expect some bewildered looks as you explain why you felt the need to run through Aggieville wearing only a liberal amount of brownie batter.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Your surface is bright and sparkly, but underneath there are some cigarette burns on your interior.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Sometimes staying stuck can feel safer than making a change, even when you know the change would be better for you. Just noticing that is a good start. Real movement often starts slowly. You’ll be a circus clown assistant before you know it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

A once-in-a-lifetime connection is possible — if you open up. That may be tough today, as you’re feeling a little more vulnerable than usual. Go slowly and remember that there’s a divine lesson in all of this: you can’t dig up Wilford Brimley’s grave until he’s dead.

Stooks Proverb: There’s more than one way to skin a cat. But if you want to make clothing out of it, consult J. Lo.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Striking up a conversation is like playing music with someone: you have to allow yourself to get into the rhythm. Sure, there’ll be some fits and starts, but hang in there. After a while, you two will find your groove. Although, onlookers might think you’re a bit off for gyrating during a conversation about Scrabble strategies.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You’re interested in esoteric and intellectual matters, so it’s time to seek out like-minded, stimulating company. New people bring you new realizations, especially when it comes to the larger questions in life, like “Why are pit stains frowned upon?”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A key conversation could go off the rails unless you exercise the right touch. One hint: it’s not a Tune-in Tokyo, also known as a Purple Nurple.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Every problem contains the seeds for its own solution. Clear your mental, emotional and psychic space and you’ll see very soon how this situation can turn out for the best. Try meditation, yoga or attacking a Louie Anderson piñata. Or just attack Louie himself, as he is also filled with candy.

Stooks Proverb: Barking dogs seldom bite, but their white trash owners usually do. Luckily, they’re not all that toothy.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

An odd duck just needs you to make way for them so they can feel at home. You’re just the ambassador who can translate his or her strangeness for the people. Not everyone will know that this person fanning their armpits is a sign of endearment.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

If you’re in the vicinity, a good time is pretty much guaranteed. You’re so delightful — is it any wonder that people just want to be where you are? You’re especially good at getting shy types to join in on the fun. Remember: non-toxic glue won’t work.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Is someone hovering over your shoulder, questioning every statement you make and action you take? Is that someone actually yourself? They have medicine and psych clinics for that.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ve got a million people to talk to, and you’re not sure which one to call first. Take a breath. Then, get a pen and paper and make a list of priorities, or a paper airplane.

Stooks Proverb: The journey is the reward. The syphilis is the side effect.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Hmmm. Why do you keep running into you-know-who? Taking it nice and easy helps you see how a new person can fit into your life. Time to un-retire your Pog collection.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

The stars go out of their way to make sure the channels of communication are crystal clear. So go ahead and talk. It’s easy to tell your nearest and dearest what’s in your heart right now: KFC.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It’s time for more hugs, more kisses, more friendly, flirty conversation — you’ve got so much fantastic social energy in your astrological sphere, it would be a crime to keep it at home. What are you waiting for? Oh, that’s right. The sores.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The decision-making process got you a little down? Getting other people’s opinions seems like it would be helpful, but the white noise might just confuse you. And your stench might affect their decision.

Stooks Proverb: True love never grows old. It just gets high plastic surgery bills.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

There’s no need to ask where the party is — the party is wherever you are. Unfortunately, no one ever attends.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A few tasks have fallen by the wayside while you’ve been concentrating on more important matters: body hair sculpting.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Live life on the flip side. Have your fun during the day. During the night, your brainpower is at its sharpest and can tackle the toughest intellectual tasks, like your 200 piece Snuffleupagus puzzle.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’re like a well-oiled machine or a thoroughbred horse. You smell.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Put some against the side of your 7^th grade gym teacher’s house.