Stooksoscope
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
That means keeping it simple, silly. Cut all the unnecessary trim and you’ll find the absolute essence of success. Your wildest dreams come true, especially when you stick close to the original source: the tailpipe on an ’88 Cutlass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You don’t want to get swept away by passion — or do you? Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad right now. So just put yourself in the path of something that makes you extremely excited and brace yourself. A rolling Louie Anderson can pack quite the punch.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone’s feeling awfully sexy, frisky, funny and lovely. Why, that person just might be you! And no wonder — you’re living proof that there’s truth in advertising: sexual harassment does exist in the workplace.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Usually you excel at examining the nitty-gritty, but the stars give you the gift of being able to see the big picture and the small details that make up the whole. No one can paper mache quite like you.
Stooks Proverb: Practice makes perfect. But beware: being too perfect might draw comparisons to your 7th grade class mate, Skinflute Sally.
Scoop
Antonella Barba, the reigning “Miss Nevada” of American Idol, seems to taking the bad press pretty hard. Her best friend, eliminated earlier in the competition, says “She’s the least slutty person I know.” I’m hoping she has some photographic evidence to back up that statement. Upload it. Then, we’ll see.
Howard K. Stern might be a dirty bastard.
Where were you when you found out Anna Nicole died? Larry Birkhead was at the dentist.
Britney Spears’ post-partum depression may the reason why Brit medicates with cocaine and ecstasy. Where’s Tom Cruise?
Paris Hilton had an underpublicized breakup with her pet kinkajou, Baby Luv. The monkey-dog bit her too much. The government was likely behind the breakup, as they didn’t want Baby Luv to contract Paris’ diseases and spread them to innocent animals.
“Just a little chemical testing, that’s all.”
Eddie Murphy got pissed and walked out of the Oscars when he didn’t win. Good.
Bobby Brown is in jail, and can’t get out until he pays $20 thousand in back child support. He doesn’t have that much, which some would find amusing.
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Stooksoscope
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Thinking about others is almost always second nature to you, but right now a little voice is saying, ‘But what about me, me, me?’ Go ahead and give yourself some extra loving attention and kindness too. Just don’t do it in your neighbors bushes this time.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
It’s time for you to get the word out. You’ve got what it takes — compassion, enthusiasm and ability — to mobilize large groups for the greater good. Unfortunately, no one owns a car in your new hippie existence.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Future plans will have a rock-solid foundation if you make an extra-special effort to pay attention to what’s going on in the moment. Stay grounded in the present and you can take the next best step. Stash your pornography in your grandma’s basement so you won’t get distracted.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Sometimes you feel so strongly for a cause that it can be overwhelming. This strength of emotion is actually your ally once you learn to harness it correctly. Take some time every day for meditation, deep breathing and Boy Meets World reruns.
Stooks Proverb: Love is blind. So is Stevie Wonder.
Scoop
Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern’s lawyers have been talking about a settlement. TMZ says Stern’s lawyers may have nabbed a Styrofoam cup from Birkhead during the “who gets the body” case. They’re speculating that Stern’s lawyers tested it for DNA and found out Larry is the father.
Sources “close to” the Britney situation say it looks like Kevin Federline wants to give their marriage a second shot. Not that she’s officially in his league, it might be doable.
Daniel Baldwin says he ran into Britney Spears and told her “Don’t drink. Don’t use.” Ouch, first Courtney Love likes your bald head, now this.
Paula Abdul and Courtney Love went to Paris Hilton’s birthday party.
However, the guy who called Lohan a “firecrotch” managed to scare them both away, along with other guests. Paris cried. Human tears.
“Any everyone thinks future me has just recently gone chemical.”
Jennifer Hudson joins Kelly Clarkson as an ungracious American Idol graduate. She didn’t thank Idol during her Oscar speech, and barely mentioned them backstage as being part of her “trials and tribulations.”
James Blunt and his supermodel girlfriend drove over the leg of some autograph-seeker. It was likely an accident. James Blunt doesn’t see the big deal, as someone drives over his crotch every time he has to hit the high note in “You’re Beautiful.”
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Stooksoscope
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Figure out what you want, because there’s a good chance that you’ll get it. Who would’ve thought that a greeter collapsing at Wal-Mart would cause the perfect distraction for stealing condoms.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
So things look a certain way, but does that necessarily reflect the entire truth of the situation? Have you learned nothing from Magic Eye?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re a genius when it comes to social arrangements. Your secret? Yahtzee.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Brush up on your listening skills, because the universe has a message: brush up on your teeth-brushing skills. You could feed a small Indonesian village with what’s buried in your gums.
Stooks Proverb: Take a hair of the dog that bit you. If you were Mel Gibson, you’d have a full fur coat by now.
Scoop
Kevin Federline visited Britney Spears in rehab.
Courtney Love thinks Britney’s head shaving was pretty cool. When Courtney Love appreciates something you do, that’s your cue to get into rehab.
American Idol contestant Antonella Barba is neck-and-neck with Britney Spears on Internet searches. Pictures of Antonella on the toilet, fake-lesbianing, and boob-profiling seem to be helping.
With a simple two fisted grab, Tyra proved that American Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee’s boobs are real. The only thing that would’ve made it hotter would be if Donahue took Tyra’s place.
If American Idol weren’t a damaging enough experience to the tens of thousands of rejects, enjoy American Idol Summer camp.
CBS wants to hire Anna Nicole’s corpse judge for a regular segment on The Early Show. The segment would be called “Morning Justice” and will run from 8:20am-a week and a half later.
Donald Trump tried to stop pregnant Access Hollywood host Nancy O’Dell from hosting the Miss USA pageant next month, but NBC overruled him. Trump doesn’t like the idea of a pregnant woman hosting the show.
Rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopting from Vietnam don’t seem to be true. But all this Britney-Anna distraction could help them sneak an adoption in sometime.
The FCC is fining Spanish channel Univision $24 million for not carrying the required three hours of education programming aimed at children. They’re trying to trick the FCC into thinking the soap operas are educational, but it doesn’t seem to be taking. I’m not joking.
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Stooksoscope
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone wants to tell you something, but you’re on sensory overload. If you can find a rhythm with all your multitasking, you’ll be able to hear what they have to tell you. If that doesn’t work, it might be time for Miracle Ear.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Are you ready to do the right thing? If you have the courage of your convictions, your gamble may pay off in more ways than you can imagine: free drinks and a comp room if you lose enough.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Sweating out your frustrations isn’t just good for your body, it’s great for your heart and soul too. Unfortunately, your pungent odor, combined with your hatred of showers may cost you your next job opportunity.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s so sweet when everything just falls right into place. Your hard work pays off, and your sparkling, effortless charm speaks to all the right people. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back — you deserve it. Can’t get your hand to reach your back? You probably don’t deserve the pat, after all.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a book by its cover, but by its flammability. You’ll need it for your Emergency S’more Kit.
Scoop
Britney Spears is in rehab for the third time in the last week. She went back to stop Kevin Federline’s motion for an emergency custody hearing.
Former potential nannies for Britney say she made it clear she wanted a nanny who was cool with her being naked all the time. That explains it. Her vagina must’ve gotten caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Anna Nicole sent a message to Britney six months before Anna died, looking for friendship. It didn’t pan out. So, Anna could’ve taken Britney with her? Damn.
Grey’s Anatomy homophobe Isaiah Washington says he won’t be killed off the show, because the show wants to give people what they want: crappy writing and tension between actors.
Thanks to Power Hits afternoon host Matt McBain for pointing me to this story on the Wii at nursing homes. The picture is more important than the story.
Mii ID: “Snap-Crackle Pops.”
Donald Trump wants to be buried on one of his golf courses in Jersey. Maybe they could fashion one of his orifi into a hole on the course.
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Stooksoscope
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You? Making an argument for the tried-and-true? What the heck is going on? There’s nothing more innovative than embracing tradition, especially when it works. And wearing a Hasselhoff wig while sifting through your archive of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch” tapes couldn’t work any better.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
When you push too hard to make something happen, it never turns out exactly the way you think it would. Try Ex-Lax or an order of Pintos and Cheese instead.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Loyalty is always a big concern with you. You know exactly what you’d do for a loved one, but suddenly you’re not sure about their agenda. Is Yoga at 6 or
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Hang on tight to that idea. It’s good, so don’t let anyone else tell you differently. It’s just its time hasn’t quite arrived yet. But one day, people will praise your groundbreaking work on Ziplock for Human Heads.
Stooks Proverb: Throw enough dirt, and some will stick. Throw enough dirt at a buttered-up Louie Anderson, and most will stick.
Scoop
Britney is out of a one-day rehab stint again, and even tried to get another tattoo on her way home. I’m telling you, those eyebrows are coming off.
It looks like Kevin Federline may be behind Britney’s rehab and baldness, after all. Several sources say he threatened to get a hair sample to prove exactly what’s been flowing through her veins.
It’s not clear why, but Britney Spears has hired Mel Gibson’s lawyer. I smell a drunken, anti-Semitic tirade coming.
It looks like Michael Jackson may seriously be considering a permanent freakshow in Vegas, asking Prince for some pointers.
Tom Brady’s current supermodel girlfriend isn’t letting his pregnant ex get him down. TMZ says she still wants to get married, and so does Tom.
Lindsay Lohan was spotted leaving a hotel with Steve-O. Maybe he’s helping her with her substance problems?
Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t crack a natural smile if her life depended on it:
Daniel Baldwin says he’s innocent, and the fact that he’s currently driving the alleged stolen car proves it. He then went off on how much he pays in taxes. I didn’t know he made any money to be taxed, or had any money to pay any taxes.
Heather Mills will be on Dancing with the Stars when it starts back up in March. That’s just cruel.
Ruben Studdard is telling kids to stay fit and not end up like him. He’s lost 100 pounds, but he still has traces of Justin Guarini in his lower intestine.
J. Lo will perform on the April 11th American Idol. I guess they’re sick of record-high ratings.
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Stooksoscope
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Life’s too short to pretend, unless you’re pretending to be Superman. That’s fun.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Are you paying attention? Some good news has landed in your lap. Make sure you tip when she’s done.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The temptation to label things as good or bad is strong, but stop yourself from jumping to conclusions. Something you think is terrible could turn out to be beneficial. Hint: it’s not the series finale of Seinfeld. It sucked.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
There’s nothing as satisfying as making a house of cards and then knocking it over and starting with a fresh deck. Okay, there’s one thing more satisfying: an afternoon with Dennis Franz.
Stooks Proverb: Beggars can’t be choosers. Unless they’ve got discards from both Original and Extra Tasty Crispy buckets of KFC.
Scoop
Oops, Britney Spears is in rehab again. I guess she’ll just have eyebrows left to shave in celebration when she gets out again.
The salon where Britney chopped her hair off thinks it was a publicity stunt. Seals everywhere have been barking their approval ever since.
Donald Trump may become Britney’s twin after Wrestlemania April 1st. He and Vince McMahon will each pick a wrestler. The loser gets his head shaved. I expect to see Brutus the Barber Beefcake for this.
“I also want Britney crotch duty.”
During a break in the “who gets Anna Nicole’s body” trial, Howard K. Stern received a subpoena for his DNA in Larry Birkhead’s paternity suit. Stern’s lawyers said “no fair!”
Great news: the Anna Nicole judge dreams of his own court show on TV. He’s no Ito.
Feel bad for Anna Nicole’s corpse? This should make you feel better: James Brown finally gets buried. Hopefully no one lights a match close to his body before they get him in the ground.
Nicole Richie pleaded “not guilty” to DUI.
A judge has ordered O.J. Simpson to turn over his book earnings to the Goldman family. Or use it for golf.
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Stooksoscope
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’re at the center of it all, especially when you take the first step. You’re surprised to see how many people respond to your actions, but you shouldn’t be. You can clear the room thanks to the Chicken-Fried Steak and Eggs after a hangover breakfast at the Village Inn.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sometimes you don’t understand how or where these impulses pop up in your life. If you’re tired of thoughtless and repeated actions, it’s time to look for the divine lesson behind them. Don’t worry. “Oral fixation” isn’t as bad as it sounds.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Sometimes you wonder why others feel the need to go to extremes. Now you have the answer. Some strong cosmic impulses are pushing you to your limits, and to your surprise, you love it. Enjoy this energy. Once you crash, you’ll never be able to watch Power Rangers DinoThunder again.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
What attracts you? What makes you involved, active and happy? Exploring possible answers helps you design your own fate. So figure out what you want your future to look like and then point yourself in that direction. Or find the elderly woman with the “How may I help you?” vest.
Stooks Proverb: You only live once. And if you’re Bob Barker, you never die.
Scoop
Britney Spears lied to a photographer before she got her haircut. He told her he liked her new brown hair. She said “Thanks, I think I’m going to keep it this way.”
OMFG! Separated at birth:
Britney’s wearing a blonde wig to cover up her baldness. I can’t even tell it’s a wig!
“I got it at Spencer’s Gifts!”
Britney’s mom is on a mission to get Britney back on track. I’m guessing a call to Federline should do the trick.
Rosie has a haiku invitation for Britney to come live with her family. Shaving your head will only get the lesbians more riled up for you, Brit.
Paris Hilton’s taking some flack for red blotches on her chest and a sloppy makeup job over the weekend. She does still have hair, though.
Bridget Moynahan says Tom Brady is the baby daddy of her unborn child.
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Stooksoscope
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Knowing what you want is an important first step, but keep reminding yourself that in order to get this off the ground, there are many steps along the way. Start with changing your diaper.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You want to get this party started — you think. It’s hard to decide, really. If you need company, why not have a low-key get-together at your house or a neighborhood coffee shop? The company of friends will lift your spirits. The tenth cup of cappuccino will dislodge that half chimichanga in your lower intestine from six months ago.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Getting the life you deserve is actually a straightforward process. Step 1: Get your Welfare check. Step 2: Cash it. Step 3: Buy Lottery tickets.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
When it comes to your aspirations, you need to dream bigger. When it comes to material goods, it’s the opposite situation. Sometimes you have to trade in those dreams of a little red Corvette for a little red whatever-the-hell Screech is driving these days. Probably an El Camino with the flatbed filled with Ex Lax.
Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine? Screw that. Robitussin is.
Scoop
Britney Spears checked into rehab for one day, got all better, added some tats and went bald. Let’s see Anna Nicole’s corpse top that!
At the tattoo parlor, Britney explained that she shaved her head because she was sick of people touching her. I thought she got confused where her vagina was, but this makes more sense.
“I’m the next Sinead, bitches!”
Without naming her, Justin Timberlake called out Britney Spears at the Brit Awards Wednesday night. “Everyone have a great night. Stop drinking! You know who you are. I’m speaking to you. You are going to get sloppy.” The message didn’t get through.
Sylvester Stallone couldn’t have debuted his mullet at a better time. He’s allegedly sporting the “do” in preparation for Rambo IV.
“It makes my eyebrows less offensive.”
Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas has made the mistake of thinking Michael Jackson will pay him after they’re done working on Michael’s new CD. If Michael ends up paying, I’m guessing it will be in the form of the love he shows a child: free rides!
The View says everything’s cool and no one’s going anywhere.
The inventor of the TV remote is dead. Think about that when you’re oiling up your remote with Dorrito crumbs.
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Stooksoscope
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Everybody needs some silly nonsense in his or her life. Your spirit could do with a little refreshment, so do something you haven’t done in a while. Give your spirit some Orbitz to chew on.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
The strangest things pop out of your mouth when you’re not thinking. Maybe you should brush your teeth to avoid such large tartar particles.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s time to go your own way. Secretly, you know what’s really important to you, but you’re also very aware of what ‘other people’ think about your pension for egging the doors of nursing home residents.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Here you thought you’d already paid that person back, but now they’re popping into your life again. Be honest with yourself and them. Who would’ve thought getting tied up with the mob would be such a bad idea?
Stooks Proverb: Things aren’t always what they seem, especially if you’re on the same stuff as Paula Abdul.
Scoop
A man convicted of making terrorist threats against Anna Nicole Smith has sent a letter to the tabloids saying he could be the baby daddy as Anna took a sperm sample from them when they dated. Odder: the letter looks to have been written in crayon.
Two years ago, Anna Nicole and Howard K. Stern pitched a reality show focusing on Anna’s search for a husband. If only the networks said “yes,” we might be able to watch her gruesome demise on E! Dammit.
A Florida judge wants enough DNA from Anna Nicole to counter a “baby switching plot.” I hope the soap writers are all taking notes of this whole thing.
Former Anna fashion consultant Bobby Trendy says Anna Nicole, and her genitals, will be missed.
Despite attending his wedding, Jim Carey says Tom Cruise was “the big joke” of last year. At least Tom didn’t have to die to get the distinction.
It’s about time: news from the “astronauts are psycho” scandal. One of her plans was to bury the other astronaut alive.
A Paris Hilton autograph appearance at a mall in Vienna, Austria, ended after fans through a variety of objects on stage. They threw lipstick, tissues and cigarettes. No viles of penicillin, though.
Donald Trump is the new K-Fed, as he has an ongoing, on-screen feud with the WWE’s Vince McMahon. You don’t want to see Donald’s “Rosie gut buster, ” Mr. McMahon.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards spent Valentine’s together with their two girls. Kinky reunion.
Heather Mills McCartney must not be planning on getting much from Paul in the divorce. She was caught at a flea market bargaining for second-hand electronics. Mainstream stores wanted an arm and a leg, and she only had one to give.
TMZ.com has finally helped me put my finger on John Mayer’s new look, asking viewers if they notice the resemblance to Edward Scissorhands.
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Stooksoscope
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Why not give yourself the gift of care and attention? Once you do, you’ll see why no one else wants to.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Happiness is a state of mind. It’s not dictated by outward circumstances or an outward belly button.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Everyone always expects you to stick with the tried-and-true, but you have more tricks up your sleeve than they realize. Isn’t it great having smelly armpits?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Free your mind of its limits and constraints. You’ll be delighted by the concepts that come up. When you’re talking about them with other people, use friendly similes — you’ll find they’ll grasp the essentials quicker better than when you use your “something smells” face.
Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know, can’t hurt you. That’s why you should continue to keep your tail a secret.
Scoop
Anna Nicole’s nanny says Anna Nicole underfed her Dannielynn so her baby would be “sexy.” Just as long as she didn’t violate her TRIMSPA contract by giving the baby Slimfast, I’m cool.
One of Anna Nicole’s doctor friends prescribed Methadone to Anna Nicole through a false name while she was eight months pregnant. If I find out he’s behind the Worcester sauce in her fridge, I’m going f’n ballistic.
The courts have decided to release Anna Nicole’s body, but they don’t know who her legal next of kin is. David Gest?
“If I could get aroused in the company of human women, I could be the baby daddy.”
Howard K. Stern can’t leave the Bahamas with the baby until the legal situation gets cleaned up. For some reason, they think it will be safer for the baby to stay in the Bahamas with Howard.
Michael Richards had no comment for paparazzi asking for his thoughts on Anna Nicole Smith. If she were black, however…
Michael Jackson went on a toy shopping spree with his kids in Vegas. Instead of masks, they wore face paint. I’m not joking.
Lindsay Lohan is working again. No word just yet on her liver.
Girls Gone Wild has a new clothing line. Did they just cut out the middle man and put two holes on the front of the shirts?
Heather Mills McCartney kicked a photographer in the ass with her wooden leg, while filming all the action. I guess even she gets the hilarity in it.
I can’t wait to get my spring loaded Heather Mills action-kick doll.
Paula Abdul must’ve been drunk when she sat down for an interview with US Weekly. “I’ve never been drunk … Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that.” Is she saying she would’ve been successful if she had?
Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox won’t exchange tongue when they kiss on Courteney’s F/X show, “Dirt.” What’s the point?