Matt Stooks

Who likes a clown?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

The University of Sheffield gives me a new study to love (bold mine):

The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.

“As adults we make assumptions about what works for children,” said Penny Curtis, a senior lecturer in research at the university.

“We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable.”

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No one likes a ruffled collar

Let’s dissect.

1. Even older kids find clowns scary 

Many adults find clowns scary, too.

I’m not sure how clowns gained popularity in the first place.  I’m guessing it started with the circus.

At the circus, everyone sits a reasonable distance from the clowns.  The clowns’ antics make us smile.  Then, someone said “Hey, they should have a service where you can rent a clown for your own amusement.”  Then, you see the clowns up close – not so entertaining anymore.

2. Adults make assumptions about what works for children

We’ll call this “Santa Syndrome.”

I have seen so many Santa freakout pictures, I think it’s safe to assume that all children are innately scared of Santa.

However, Santa is able to purchase kids’ affection by showering them with gifts year after year.  Santa gets reinforced with strong branding throughout the season.  Kids eventually get over Santa’s frightening nature, thanks to a phenomenal payoff.

Clowns don’t get a yearly appreciation event, and the gifts they give are balloon animals – not exactly a gift that keeps on giving.

Did Mitt Romney really approve this?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

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If you have a ridiculous name, like “Mitt,” do you really want to remind people how ridiculous your name is all the time?  And what are the benefits of having a baseball mitt associated with your campaign?

Now that I think about it, I do love the leathery, dusty goodness of a baseball glove.  Maybe it’s time for me to start considering Mitt, after all.

The Walmart Line Dilemma

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Walmart checkout stands are usually stacked two deep.

I’ve always thought that one line should filter into both checkout stands. This would allow a cleaner flow of traffic and reward those who stand in line longer.

This works in theory.

In reality, most people will jump to the second checkout stand if it looks like a shorter wait.

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I think Walmart needs to give some direction on this. I always feel awkward jumping to the distant, shorter line. However, everyone else is doing it, and I’m not about to be their bitch.

Friends with bad breath

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Many friends have reassured me that they would tell me if I had bad breath.  I reassure them that I would do the same for them.

This leads me to one frightening conclusion: People with consistently bad breath have no decent friends.

I used to work with a girl who’s breath smelled like rotten garbage.  I observed her in the wild, and she treated most people like crap.  Thus, being a terrible person led to her lack of friends, which led to an unchecked case of filth breath.

What if it’s a medical condition?  Unlike the friendless bad breather, you would be hyper aware of the noxious fumes pouring from your mouth.  Then, you would either binge on Altoids or wear some sort of “I’m aware of the rotting-flesh stench emanating from my esophagus.  My doctor is concerned, too” type of t-shirt.

Having bad breath can be a frightening experience.  Finding out that you’ve had it for years, yet no one was a good enough friend to tell you about it, would trigger a self-destruction unlike any other.  That’s why you will probably never tell someone about their consistently bad breath.  You might as well be saying “You’re a terrible person.  Complete strangers hate you, simply for the fact that everyone else hates you so much they won’t let you in on the secret of your horrifying breath.”  That wouldn’t be fun to hear.

Damn you, NBC!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I know some people who would be very disappointed to see NBC omit the howling Gladiator “Wolf” from the below web ad.

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NBC has gone through some tough times since “Friends” left the air.  Omitting the hilariously stupid Wolf from advertisements just shows you how incompetent this network has become.

 

“Howl.”

It’s official: Crying is cool

Posted on by Matt Stooks

First Hillary Clinton cried, and now Terrell Owens sheds some tears.


T.O. is a tears tease. He cries his ass off while wearing sunglasses. That’s cheating.

So what does all this mean for crying? Does having two of the most perceived bitches cry on TV make it a more acceptable public activity? I think that question answers itself.

Straight up now whiskey, I do really want to love you forever

Posted on by Matt Stooks

This is simply too good to actually happen:

In a major role reversal, ‘American Idol’ contestants might get a chance to critique Paula Abdul’s performance for a change.

The Grammy-winning artist turned ‘American Idol’ judge is in talks to perform at the Super Bowl XLII this February, TV Guide’s Michael Ausiello reports.

That sounds like a great idea. Let’s take a chemically dependent Abdul who could barely sing in her “prime” 20 years ago, and put her on the Super Bowl. Maybe she’ll even whip out her Zeul voice!

If Paula Abdul performs, people who took offense to Janet Jackson’s tit will be begging for full-screen arieolas.

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Either Paula’s singing, or Randy gorged on pintos and cheese again.

Subway Jared needs to go away immediately

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Subway Jared has been packing on the pounds.  Check out this profile shot from his ridiculous appearance on CBS’ NFL Today.

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Obviously this ad campaign is working, otherwise Subway wouldn’t parade him all over TV.

Why, despite Jared’s reoccurring girth, do people still look to him for inspiration?  How many people could possibly look at him and think the Subway Diet could make them “look great like Jared?”  I fear what these people look like.

YouTube fails

Posted on by Matt Stooks

You know those security guards in the yellow jackets at NFL games? They stare at the crowd the entire game, making sure nothing sketchy occurs. This prevents them from seeing the action behind them. This is a formula for hilarious, blind-sided takeouts when a play goes out the back of the end zone.

The Colts-Chargers game had a couple of disappointing close calls, whetting my appetite for some serious NFL-security-guard-take-down action.

I turned to Google Video Search to satisfy my needs. No matter how I searched, I couldn’t find one video of an oblivious security guard losing his ass to an NFL player.

I couldn’t just leave it at that. I desperately needed to see a fully armored, 250-pound, NFL player collide with anyone unprotected and unprepared. So, I turned to searching for a referee collision.

Amazingly, I could only find one such video, and it’s not a good video by any means. It’ll have to do. WTF Internet?

Welcome back, Paula

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Paula Abdul is back on the crazy pills (bold mine):

A tipster who saw her in the Continental Airlines terminal told the site: “She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice.”

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“There is no Paula. Only Zeul!”

Binge drinking debunked

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I have a new favorite study.

The researchers found that playing drinking games, having a personal history of binge drinking, attending a party with many other intoxicated people, and attending a themed event all predicted higher blood alcohol levels.

Maybe if these “researchers” had gone out once or twice during their college years, they could’ve saved the time and money it took to figure out the breathtaking results of the study.

When your parents call Dr. Phil

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I try to avoid talking about Britney Spears, but I can’t resist once Dr. Phil gets involved.

Spears was overheard angrily telling a friend ”this is the final straw” — furious her parents had contacted TV counselor Dr. Phil McGraw to step in and attempt to help Britney deal with her various demons. Spears was not alerted about Dr. Phil, and his appearance in her hospital room came as a complete shock to her.

What goes through your head when you’re hospitalized, likely high off your ass, and in walks Dr. Phil at your parents’ request? Furthermore, what goes through your head when Dr. Phil, king of sleazy broadcasts, deems your situation “too intense” for a planned, special broadcast? I think “I must be really jacked” would be an appropriate thought for both those questions.

My favorite quote in quite some time comes from a nurse at Cedars-Sinai hospital.

”We have had many difficult celebrity patients in here over the years. But Britney tops ’em all — a real hellion. Screaming and carrying on and totally disruptive. Even though she was somewhat isolated in a VIP room, the administration decided she was too much trouble. In addition, it did seem she was no longer a danger to herself or others, as messed up as she is.”

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The only part of Dr. Phil worth showing

Hey Mike, the Chuck stuff is getting creepy

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Dear Mike Huckabee,

I thought it was funny and politically brilliant for you to have Chuck Norris do an ad with you.

But having Norris flank you during your Iowa Caucus victory speech weirds me out a bit.

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Look at the Chuckster, laughing his ass off at your every word.

People are talking, Mike. They’re saying Chuck must be winning your favor by roundhouse kicking his big toe into the most unholy-est of holes. This won’t sit well with your evangelical base.

While Chuck Norris’ facial crabs have been a minor threat for a long time, a leading presidential candidate shouldn’t be seen rubbing cheeks with him.

All kidding aside, Chuck Norris is a punch line in this country. The joke is old. No one is going to vote for you because Chuck Norris continues to have your back. Seriously, you two are creeping us out.

If you’re serious about winning, it’s time to roundhouse kick Chuck to the curb.

Clemens is full of it

Posted on by Matt Stooks

On tonight’s “60 Minutes,” Roger Clemens said he didn’t use steroids or HGH.  He said he would be willing to take a lie detector, but he made sure to mention this.

“I don’t know if they’re good or bad.”

Sounds like someone is getting ready for their lawyer to come in and declare lie detectors “bad,” which they many times are.  This is common knowledge.  Don’t tell me Clemens’ lawyer didn’t prep him for hours on end before this interview.

If pre-nursing-home Mike Wallace had done this interview, Clemens wouldn’t have gotten away with this crap.

American Gladiators

Posted on by Matt Stooks

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“Has-beens unite!”

American Gladiators is back. Here are some thoughts.

Does Hulk Hogan know he isn’t a Gladiator? That sleeveless black shirt combined with his constant flexing worry me.

Laila Ali has a frighteningly low voice.

I’m not sure what I think about the Gladiator “Wolf.” I could do without his howling. Nitro has to be rolling over in his grave for this one.

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Okay, not really dead. But dead inside, for sure.

Wow, that’s the most impressive Spandex ass I’ve ever seen. Once again, Nitro has to be rolling over in his grave for this one.

This Olive Garden commercial is simultaneously making me hungry and feeling a diarrhea coming on at the same time.

Hulk Hogan needs another coat of Crisco, stat!

The New York firefighter contestant, equipped with stereotypical accent, is dominating the professional skateboarder. If he wasn’t, I would hope the producers would rig it in the firefighter’s favor. Hopefully the skateboarder explains more of his tattoos soon.

The staged dialog on this show isn’t suitable for a community college’s cable commercial.

The Gladiator named Toa just yelled some weird language at one of the contestants. He’s also shirtless, which seems like an unfair advantage. He could put his bodybuilder nip in a competitor’s eye, effectively incapacitating the challenger.

I see that DirecTV is now using their commercials to piss all over my memories of Scooby-Doo.

The new version of “The Eliminator” kicks ass.

I can’t wait to tune into “Celebrity Apprentice” to find out how Gene Simmons insults Donald Trump‘s daughter! Seriously, if I start watching “Celebrity Apprentice,” you have permission to punch me in the face.

Jesus, there’s another hour of “Gladiators” coming on, and then a new episode tomorrow night. My life is ruined.

The new guy Gladiators are complete douche bags. Seriously. All of them.

I’m still waiting for Hogan to run on screen and leg drop someone in the middle of a challenge. Forty minutes left, Hogan. Make it happen!

The best four-second video on YouTube

Something about Laila Ali asking “You guys ready to watch them get it on?” makes me feel not so funny down there.

Oh no, Laila Ali just told a male competitor “You get me wet, we’ll have a problem.” Don’t worry Laila. I anticipate perpetual dryness at the hands of man for quite some time.

Text messages between me and my friend Kevin throughout this show have consisted of his brother Dan proclaiming himself in “The Wolf Pack,” both of them threatening to tryout for the show, Kevin’s crush on the Gladiator “Crush,” and me saying that Toa’s “Toa Constrictors” put Hogan’s 24-inch pythons to shame.

“Assault” is still the best game in the competition. Something about one-sided dodgeball with 100-mile-per-hour tennis balls makes me smile.

Do they sew those pants directly to Hulk Hogan’s legs?

The male-female cameltoe ratio is way out of whack on this show.

Insert more awful, canned dialog here.

They need to publish a stencil so you can create your own Wolf facial hair, without leaving your home!

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For even more great Wolf poses, check out this ridiculous gallery on NBC.com

Tap water is great

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Unless the water coming out of your tap is green, I’m not drinking your bottled water.

It’s fine that you only drink bottled water, but I’m not going to contribute to the bottled water industry by drinking your supply. Basically, unless we’re spending significant time away from a tap, get out of my face with your bottled water.

Stop trying to force your bottled water down my throat.  You won’t convince me to drink it.  Tap water tastes great to me. There’s nothing wrong with it. It doesn’t “taste funny.” It only tastes funny because you’re used to bottled water. Drinking bottled water is the equivalent of drinking two-liter bottles of coke when you have a soda fountain in your kitchen.

CNN keeps blowing, and blowing, and blowing…

Posted on by Matt Stooks

CNN had two different pie charts up at the same time during the Iowa caucuses.

Here’s the pie chart they put up for the Democrats.

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Notice how CNN went out of its way to squeeze Bill Richardson’s two percent piece into the pie?

Now, look at the Republican pie chart.

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Notice the giant void between McCain and Huckabee on the chart? At this point, Ron Paul had 10 percent of the vote. Why isn’t he listed when Bill Richardson’s two percent makes the Democratic pie?

That’s some bad journalism, kids.

Facebook loves me

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Check out what the guys at Facebook (my profile here) sent me.

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You read correctly. The guys at Facebook went out of their way, on New Year’s, to personally wish me a happy birthday and a great day.

Jealous?

UPDATE: It’s come to my attention that some kind of snazzy magic, known as “code,” is responsible for not only sending my birthday wish, but also for birthday wishes to all Facebook users at the appropriate time. More on this as it develops.  I thought we had something, Facebook.

Late shows and the writers strike

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I will watch as many late-night talk shows as possible Wednesday. All the shows will be back with new episodes.

Letterman worked out a deal so he and Craig Ferguson could return with their writing staffs. All the other shows won’t have writers, and strike rules prevent their hosts from writing material. Hopefully we’ll finally see Letterman beat Leno in the ratings as a result.

No actors will have to cross picket lines for Dave, and he’ll have his entire show intact. His first guest is Robin Williams. Leno gets Mike Huckabee. Since actors aren’t too fond of pissing off their writers, I’d expect Leno to have some pretty crappy guests opposite Letterman.

Leno will be unwatchable without writers. Conan will be the best at a show without writers. Kimmel will do decent. Carson Daly’s show has been back for awhile and will continue to be a steaming pile with our without writers.

Get excited. We’re all going to appreciate The Chevy Chase Show after this is through.

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Carson Daly, without the undeserved fame

Man-hating isn’t lesbianism

Posted on by Matt Stooks

A couple of weeks ago, we went to Harpo’s in Westport.

Jon ditched us to hit on some 40-year-old, possible lesbians.

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An overhead shot of Jon with the suspected lesbians

I bet he spent two hours talking to these women. He says they talked about life, love, the world — you know, all the things a guy in his middle twenties would talk about with some older, suspected lesbians.

They denied they were lesbians, but Jon didn’t buy it.

He says the larger woman was a man-hater, indicating possible lesbianism. I explained that the man-hating proved the opposite. An old, large, greasy, single woman will have many difficulties getting a man. At her age, she would be a fully entrenched lesbian. Why would she waste time hating men at this point?

Lesbianism disproven.

Where Are You, Tim Allen?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Something’s felt a little off this Christmas season.

I just figured it out.

It’s been more than a year since Tim Allen released a Christmas-themed movie. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause wasn’t nearly enough to sustain us for two holiday seasons, even with the antics of Martin Short as “Jack Frost.”

Can the world survive this drought? In the infamous words of Al, I don’t think so, Tim.

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JTT Approved