Matt Stooks

Britney Spears got a parking ticket. At least she’s still avoiding charges for random pieces of litter falling from her nether regions.

Paris Hilton drove away from a meeting with her lawyer about driving with a suspended license.

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t think she’s an addict. She doesn’t think in general, either, so this might be a non-story.

TMZ found footage of Sanjaya tap dancing with a broom in a play when he was nine. What a shocker.

Paula Abdul says the competition will get more intense with Sanjaya leaving. His hair was simply too dominating for the other contestants to perform at their peak, apparently.

Katie Holmes might be looking to return to her Catholic roots. No, that doesn’t mean she dumped Tom.

Somehow, Donald Trump was in possession of a pair of Rosie panties from the film “Exit to Eden.” He sent them to Barbara Walters. She needed new bed sheets, anyway.

Joan Rivers lost her duties on the red carpet. If you can’t get Skeletor, why settle for second best?

Looks like we won’t be seeing a Laguna Beach sex tape after all. It wasn’t “exciting” enough. Not enough surfing, either.

Paula Abdul tried to get preferential treatment on a Southwest Airlines flight. Denied. Surely Southwest could at least muster some Viaka to pacify her.

Larry Birkhead is totally copying Howard K., hiring a lawyer to go after tabloids for defamation.

Larry sold photos of dad and baby to OK! magazine. He’s putting it in a trust fund for the kid.

Lindsay Lohan’s condo flooded. Conveniently, a guy she used to date lives directly below her. She left the water running in her bathtub. Yeah, I do that and leave my place all the time, too. Go girl!

Screw the bathing suit, Kirstie Alley can clear a fence!

“I think I see a Cheeto!”

Lawyers in India say Richard Gere’s effigy inducing cheek peck with a Bollywood actress was obscene. No one should be the victim of a Gere smooch.

Britney Spears blames Paris Hilton for everyone seeing her vagina, alcoholism, Kevin Federline…Okay, not Federline. But might as well throw him in there.

Paris Hilton has a May 4th court date to decide whether to revoke her probation for driving with s suspended license. If she does have to do some time, maybe she could smuggle Nicole Richie in and use her to pick the lock.

Sanjaya is officially one of Maxim Online’s girls of the day. Ha.

Madonna, not looking to adopt, took her son back to his orphanage for a visit. Students gathered around the building and threw stones to block paparazzi from taking pictures. Hopefully, she’ll move there so we don’t have to see or hear about her anymore.

TMZ says John O’Hurley, Mr. Peterman or “that dude from Dancing with the Stars who wasn’t ridiculously tan” to most people, now leads candidates to replace Bob Barker on The Price Is Right.

Grey’s Anatomy homophobe Isaiah Washington will play a priest who returns to the Catholic high school where he was molested growing up. This should play out interestingly.

John Travolta says he’s as big as Elvis and Marilyn Monroe, but Scientology kept him from getting dead like them. Xenu offers one bitchin’ health plan.

Want to get into bestiality, but can’t get past the stigma? Jessica Alba and her dog are here to help.

HBO’s Entourage is paying Ron Jeremy $500 a day to use his two balconies. He said they even cleaned up two years worth of bird crap on them. Yeah…bird crap…that’s it.

Somehow creepier than Michael Jackson: a fiberglass replica of the King of Pop on eBay.

Disclaimer: this mannequin is incapable of molestation.

Dave Chappelle did a six-hour surprise show at The Laugh Factory this weekend.

Sanjaya took a trip to Dodger Stadium. He made the JumboTron. The entire stadium booed him off the screen. Ha.

Madonna is in Africa doing charity work, not “give me your baby” work.

J. Lo and Marc Anthony are suing the National Enquirer in Britain for a “J. Larcthony Heroin Scandal” story. Going after J. Lo right now is a cheap shot, anyway.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took Zahara to Baskin-Robbins, surely proving their marriage is perfect. Tastes like 31 flavors of deception to me.

Gary Coleman took over the turntables at a New York nightclub. Did he take home the guaranteed “Coleman can DJ” poontang? Nope. He got on the mic and told them his girlfriend would be man if he got numbers. What a gentleman.

Busted: Britney Spears in the lotion aisle at Target. I hope she got the scented.

Britney Spears dropped several F-bombs on some photographers. No sign of the snuke, though.

Michael Jackson is a good father, according to the publisher of Sister 2 Sister magazine. If you can’t trust Tia and Tamara, who can you trust?

Hindu nationalists are burning effigies of Richard Gere. He gave an innocent kiss on the cheek to a Bollywood actress in New Delhi. PDA is a no-no there. The idea of Richard Gere burnt in effigy is a little fun.

Grey’s Anatomy won an award from GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. Isn’t that the show with the homophobic actor?

Regis is coming back to TV April 26th. Maybe Clay Aiken could stop in and stick his fingers in Kelly Ripa’s mouth in the meantime.

Britney Spears is struggling to find the perfect hat to compliment her wig. Soon enough, it’ll be a liquor dispensing one.

Larry Birkhead is trying to work out a deal with Anna Nicole’s mom, without the aid of a lawyer. She might be the reason for no official word on custody from the court.

Howard K. is suing Anna Nicole’s mom’s lawyer for suggesting that he killed Anna.

Anna’s designer, Bobby Trendy, will play himself in the movie about her life.

J. Lo might’ve dropped a Scientology reference on American Idol when Ryan Seacrest asked her about Simon’s harsh critiques. She said “concentrating on the rightness brings more rightness.” Maybe she should get punched for sounding stupid, regardless of its affiliation with Scientology.

Some talk show caller asked Hillary Clinton what America can do about Sanjaya. She managed a cheesy enough response: “That’s the best question I’ve been asked in a long time…Well, you know, people can vote for whomever they want. That’s true in my election, and it’s true on ‘American Idol.'”

Former Idol contestant Paris Bennett says she votes for Sanjaya, in hopes of helping taking down the “joke” of a show.

Disgraced former House Majority Leader Tom Delay wants to take Rosie down as a tit-for-tat for the Don Imus firing, citing her politically incorrect way of speaking. Trump says: don’t forget her ugly fattiness.

The Britney Spears Diet: Red Bull and dancing. No liquor…that we know of.

Britney says she doesn’t have a crush on Laker player Luke Walton. They’d probably think she were high again if she admitted to that.

Tabloids claim Katie Holmes is pissed about a book called “Hollywood Car Wash,” a book about a young actress who enters into a contracted relationship. Does she want a cut of the profits or something?

Life & Style says Angelina doesn’t love her biological daughter as much as her adopted children. It is a family tradition to either makeout with or hate your own flesh and blood.

Season Two Idol contestant Olivia Mojica made a sex tape with her boyfriend about a month ago. Now, it’s going worldwide.

J. Lo’s marriage isn’t bad enough for him to stay away from the American Idol set during her performance. The question is: did Lo get him his own dressing room?

Last check, Paris Hilton was wearing underwear. I think that fantasy is finally over.

Kate Moss looks like death.

Dennis Rodman is finally righting his wrongs: he’s starring in “The Minis,” as the basketball coach for a team of midgets.

You can buy Anna Nicole’s last film May 1st. It’s called “Illegal Aliens,” starring Anna and Joanie Laurer as aliens who transform into hot chicks to protect the earth from evil intergalactic forces. Joanie used to play China on WWE. If you gotta go out, go out big.

Check out the mysterious wording at the bottom of the art. Eerie!

Willa Ford will play Anna Nicole in the independent film based on Anna’s bio. Was Charlize unavailable?

This is kind of odd: TMZ.com was responsible for arranging the meeting between Larry Birkhead and his baby at Howard K’s place.

Britney Spears stopped for dinner at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. They burned the chair she sat in.

Justin Timberlake is helping Madonna on her next album. This is the only time I’ll say “stick with Britney.”

Adding to the evidence that this is the worst group of Idol contestants: they liked J. Lo the best out of all their mentors this season.

Idol lost another million viewers this week. But the two weekly shows are still easily #1 and #2, so don’t soil yourself.

Idol’s frightening band leader, Ricky Minor, says Sanjaya could win it all.

Laguna Beach loser LC says there never was a sex tape, just a sea of lies. So now she can go back to being worthless.

Bon Jovi owns an Arena League Football franchise in Philly. He doesn’t like it when calls go against his team.

“By the power of my womanly head of hair, I condemn thee, ref!”

“I told you so!” – Larry Birkhead. Larry Birkhead is the baby daddy.

Howard K. Stern is already letting Larry see his kid. What a nice guy.

Anna Nicole’s mom plans to keep fighting for custody of Dannielynn.

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband wishes good luck to Larry and the baby.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee took their kids to the beach. At least the camera work will be more consistent this time.

Justin Timberlake says he isn’t sending coded messages to Britney at awards show, like when he said “stop drinking” at some show in Britain. Well, “stop drinking” isn’t all that coded, so he’s technically correct either way.

Halle Berry might go bald for her next movie role. “My character in a movie has an unfortunate event happen and she is forced to shave her head bald. Now she has to approach life as a bald-headed person and discover who she is.” I don’t think Britney would even need to muster an ounce of acting skill for that role, just get her.

Sanjaya is the number one Internet search term, according to Yahoo! Buzz. You need a good Sanjaya picture to make an effective voodoo doll.

Sharon Osbourne and Elton John went shopping for high heels together.

Paris Hilton’s bff-ship to Kim Kardashian seems to be over. Paris didn’t show up at Kim’s birthday party. I guess she doesn’t like dueling sex tapes in friendships.

Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis got himself arrested at the Panama City Airport on his way to turn himself in to police voluntarily. They’re charging him for breaking a settlement agreement with some girls he filmed. A free t-shirt can’t get you out of everything.

Katie Couric is not “HD friendly.” So she’s not broadcast in it. Thought you’d like to know.

“Dear is me. I don’t look good in HD?”

Britney Spears took in another Laker Game this weekend. No one was blinded or otherwise hurt by her vagina.

Kevin Federline threw out handfuls of fake $50 bills at a Vegas nightclub. I guess you should know what your getting when K-Fed starts throwing out cash.

TMZ says Sharon Osbourne is replacing Brandy on America’s Got Talent. Despite her drawbacks, Sharon’s less likely to kill someone on the way to work.

Tori Spelling’s mom sent an open letter to Larry Birkhead, offering advice on life as a celebrity. Amazingly, it doesn’t say “leech to your daughter.”

Howard K. Stern has vowed to walk away if Larry Birkhead is a baby-daddy match.

KFC has some sick obsession with wanting Sanjaya to get a bowl haircut. First, they offered him chicken for life. Now, they’ve added $5 thousand and an appearance in their next ad for Famous Bowls.

LC from Laguna Beach was spotted with Idol’s Timberlake-wannabe, Chris Richardson. Take advantage of the post-“she might have a sex tape!” publicity while you can, girlfriend.

LC’s rumored sex-tape partner Jason, though, got arrested and even brought out the N-word to the cop. He also called the cop a fag. I think he’s winning this publicity war.

Paris Hilton bought two bunnies for Easter. They simply have to be dead by now.

Take a listen to a GPS with directions provided by Gary Busey.

Isaac Hanson had a baby boy. More impressive: apparently he helped with the conception.

Britney Spears and her manager are having a tough time since she left rehab. I guess it’s not as fun a job when you don’t have a live action Basic Instinct set in front of you at all times.

Britney cut $1 million off the home she shared with K-Fed in Malibu. Now, if she just bleaches all surfaces on the house, someone might find it livable.

Tuesday’s still the day for baby-daddy drama to come to an end. Then, we can all rest assured that Dannielynn will live a healthy, mentally unscarred life.

The Anna Nicole Naked Tribute Edition of Playboy is on news stands now. Hugh Hefner says he isn’t the baby daddy.

Disney is hinting that they won’t use Keith Richards to promote the next Pirates of the Caribbean. If Simba’s allowed to spell out “Sex” in slow motion in Lion King, Keith should be allowed to snort a little pop.

Angelina Jolie’s brother says Shiloh is named after him. It seems like a bit of a stretch though. Shiloh was his runner-up name, before his parents settled on “James.” I think he just wants to sleep with his sister.

Could there be a Laguna Beach sex tape featuring LC and Jason? She denies it on her website, and no one really needs to see Jason ruining her anyway.

Lindsay Lohan would like to play Princess Di someday. I’m sure she could handle the whole car crash scene without a double.

Idol ratings are down the last couple weeks, but the show’s producer is blaming Daylight Savings Time, not Sanjaya.

According to TMZ.com, this woman also says Ron Jeremy signed her boob without permission. Yeah, look at her try to fight him off.

“I don’t know where that pen’s been.”

Britney Spears went to her sister’s Sweet Sixteen in a see-through shirt and no bra. Add a weird stain, and it’s totally February 2007 Britney!

Life & Style says Britney met singer-songwriter Howie Day in rehab, and now they might have a bit of a fling…or her love canal offers great acoustics.

Paris Hilton yelled “Hey, whore!” at some random fan. Maybe the fan was wearing mirrored sunglasses.

Suri Cruise fans are buying gifts in anticipation of her one-year birthday in two weeks. What do you get the Scientology baby that has everything? Something anti-Dr. Phil, for sure.

VoteAgainstTheWorst.com has a strategy to get Sanjaya off Idol. They’re telling certain states to vote for a certain Idol, and not for Sanjaya, ensuring his exit. Not bad.

Now that the Sanjaya hunger strike is over, some dude is “Binge Eating for Sanjaya.” He’ll binge eat until Sanjaya wins. It’s not the SuperSize Me dude.

J. Lo visits American Idol next week. Just what Sanjaya needs.

Out of nowhere, Whitney Houston’s divorce is finalized. How will we talk about Bobby Brown again?

Dennis Miller says Rosie’s trying to get herself fired on The View so she can get her own show. At least, that’s what we think he said, thanks to five hours of deciphering.

Kevin Costner is suing a promotions company, saying they promised him millions to promote The Kevin Costner Band. Does the judge really need to hear the arguments on this one?

Britney Spears went jewelry shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. She needs to accessorize that vagina for the next photo shoot.

Britney managed to go to a nightclub and drink Pepsi without the aid of alcohol. Her panties remained in place, too.

Producer Timbaland says he isn’t working with Britney on her new album. He just got a new leather couch.

Next Tuesday, we should have an answer about Anna Nicole’s baby daddy.

If a deal hadn’t been reached, J. Lo might’ve served jury duty. I’m sure that would’ve been some intelligent deliberations.

J. Lo says she isn’t J. Lo anymore. She’s Jennifer Lopez, if anyone still cares.

A woman asked for Ron Jeremy’s autograph at the Exotica porn convention. She’s filed a police report saying he took the liberty of signing her boob without permission. The Exotica porn convention isn’t apparently the class event we thought it to be.

After 16 days, and a doctor’s order, a Sanjaya hunger strike is over.

Some say Indian call centers for American companies are responsible for keeping Sanjaya on the show. They also say Indian call centers treat them like kindergartners on the phone.

Independent Comedy is looking for a Sanjaya lookalike for a spoof. Surely Cheech is sending in his picture.

GQ interviewed Lindsay Lohan via text message. After the interview, Lindsay cured her “Blackberry Thumb” with a pint of vodka.

Scary Spice popped out a kid Tuesday. The baby girl might belong to Eddie Murphy, but Scary doesn’t fit Eddie’s usual transsexual tendencies.

Keith Richards says he mixed some of his dead father’s ashes with some cocaine, then snorted it. We’re supposed to be surprised by this?

It looks like there will be a Sex and the City movie, after all. Theaters will provide barf bags at every seat in preparation for the first Kim Cattrall sex scene.