Matt Stooks

Olathe, you screwed me again

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Dear Olathe,

You always manage to find new ways to make your city unbearable to drive.  Your street system is easily the worst out of all the cities in the Kansas City metro.

I wanted to treat myself to a showing of The Dark Knight on AMC 30’s IMAX screen.  Google Maps puts the theater at 15 minutes from my house.  An hour after I left for the movie, I returned home without seeing it or leaving my car.

The clusterfrack at 119th and I-35 would be acceptable if you had some kind of forewarning that the city’s most congested area would lose a lane.  The intersection was in gridlock the entire time.  I bet one percent of the people who wanted to turn left onto 119th actually ended up doing so.

Traffic signs are your friend.  Maybe you should invest in one or two.

I haven’t been this pissed in awhile.  I don’t know how Olathe residents physically function with this perpetual mess.

Get your shit together,

Matt

Breaking: People still racist

Posted on by Matt Stooks

CNN:

Paul Street, author of the forthcoming book, “Barack Obama and the Future of American Politics,” says Obama risks becoming an Oval Office version of talk-show host Oprah Winfrey. She and former Secretary of State Colin Powell are African-American figures whose popularity allows some white Americans to congratulate themselves for not being racist, he says.

Damn.  There goes my planned “White-people-high-fiving-in-the-streets-to-celebrate-the-end-of-all-racism-when-Obama-wins Extravadanza!”  I already ordered banners and buttons.

The day I dumped Obama

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Did you see Obama’s 3-pointer?

Obama’s 3-point prowess has rendered him a useless candidate for me.  His brilliant stroke heightens an already intense insecurity in my basketball skills.

I guess it was only a matter of time until an Obama gaffe cost him my vote.  He has lost the all important “Who would you like to play basketball with?” question.  I easily prefer to unleash my mad hooping skills on McCain.  I imagine a number of other people feel the same way.

Hugh Downs: NAMBLA

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Fareed Zakaria has a terribly named CNN show: “Fareed Zakaria GPS.”

GPS supposedly stands for “Global Public Square,” but I can’t get past the standard meaning for “GPS.”  At the very least, CNN should showcase Fareed’s penchant for maps, with a regular segment featuring lost drivers calling Fareed for directions, which he delivers turn-by-turn without the aid of a computer.

He’s a smart man.  I bet he could do it.

And now, I fix gas prices

Posted on by Matt Stooks

LA Times:

With the Games due to start in less than three weeks, Beijing today cranked up anti-pollution measures by yanking cars off the roads, expanding mass transit and staggering work hours in a bid to meet its pledge of a “green” Olympics.

Maybe we should just let China have every Olympics for now on.  It saves a lot of gas.

Fat guy in some skinny shorts

Posted on by Matt Stooks

CNN:

Sujit Bhattacharya knew he felt sluggish and had trouble putting on his socks and shoes. One day, when he tried on a pair of size 30 shorts, his wife pointed out that they fit only under his belly.

We never learn his height, but his weight was 193 pounds.  What kind of skinny waisted giant was this guy?  How does a 193-pound man not hulk right out of 30-inch shorts, even if they fit only under his belly?  I think Sujit is pulling a fast one on us.

He claims he lost 40 pounds, but check out the before and after pictures.

Oh no, it’s the classic profile view vs straight-on view trick they use in weight loss pill commercials.

And who would’ve guessed?  He’s plugging not just one product, but four, in his typical daily diet.

Morning: glass of low-fat milk with Nestle Quik (150 calories)
Exercise: Lemonade and Gatorade afterward (50 calories)
Late morning: snack of a piece of fruit (75 calories)
Lunch: lean piece of chicken with two vegetables and rice (500 calories)
Late-afternoon: snack of Healthy Choice fudge bars (90 calories)
Dinner: spaghetti with a meatball or two (500 calories)
Night: bowl of cereal like Froot Loops (150 to 200 calories)

Our weight loss heroes eat at Subway and McDonald’s, Sujit.  And you need to practice on sticking your gut out.  Pretty weak showing.

The menacing Al Gore

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Al Gore tells Katie Couric he won’t be VP.

Gore: I’ve imposed a personal term limit of two terms as VP.

Couric: So absolutely nothing could get you to jump on board.

Gore: I … Katie …

Couric: This interview will come back to haunt you if you say it without …

Gore: This interview will not come back to haunt me. You can believe me. (laughter)

Couric: Really? No way.

Gore: This part of it won’t. (laughter)

Al Gore’s laugh doesn’t come off well in text.  It seems quite maniacal.

You liberal!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’ve been getting a decent amount of traffic from CNN.com on my post “Classified B.S.”  CNN shows blogs linking to their articles.  I love the idea.

Anyhow, I got into a comment-fest with a new reader.  I thought I’d share one of my replies on the front page.

Jake,

Thanks for discussing this. It’s a good dialogue.

Now, onto my objection to your use of the word “liberal.” You labeled me as liberal from the very beginning. Did you happen to browse around more than one post on my blog before jumping to this conclusion?

The two-party system is horrible. Too many people like you feel the need to line up, lockstep with the party. So, whenever you see someone embrace an idea that differs from your party’s views, you dismiss them as liberal.

I have the unfortunate pleasure of seeing good ideas from conservatives and liberals. Unfortunately, the Republican brand can’t claim small government, low taxes anymore. The tax we’ve paid for a giant mistake of a war is the rapid devaluation of the dollar. At least liberals are honest when they tax you.

I don’t understand why every Republican isn’t absolutely furious with how things are.

Gank yourself in the face already

Posted on by Matt Stooks

A friend sent me this line from his hotel.

“They have amazing towels here.  I ganked one of them.”

I went on to explain that I’d never heard “ganked” before.  He ridiculed me for a brutally late introduction to “gank.”

From Google:

Related phrases:   gang/gank/gangbang

Definitions of gank on the Web:

  • Destroying another player’s vessel in a very short time, ideally before they realize what is going on. …
    infao5501.ag5.mpi-sb.mpg.de:8080/topx/archive
  • To swindle; To rob, steal; To copy, reproduce, reuse, or save an image, idea, or work of another person, often in the context of materials …
    en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gank

    • The first definition comes from the Wiki for some game called EVE Online: “a persistent world multiplayer online game set in space.” I assumed the towels hadn’t heard of this game.  And if they had, I doubt the hotel would let them play a persistent world multiplayer online game (PWMOG) at work.  There are body parts to dry, people.

    My friend must’ve been using “gank” in the swindling sense of the word – credited first to the Beastie Boys in 1989’s “Car Thief.”

    Now I was faced with a new conundrum.  Why does Google list “gangbang” as a related phrase?  Do people gank wallets at gangbangs or something?  I might have to reconsider a goal.  How much of a letdown would it be to finish a satisfactory gangbang, only to find that you’ll have to cancel all your credit cards so some nympho can gank a net of 20 bucks cash and whatever your wallet is worth on eBay.  Quite the emotional swerve.

    BTW, so like, am I a total dorkburger for not knowing what “gank” means?

    Castratation sounds so much worse

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    The AP tries to clean up a quote.

    Jackson apologized last week after being caught saying on an open microphone that he wanted to castrate Obama for speaking down to blacks.

    The original quote, “I want to cut his nuts off” is far less offensive than the word “castrate” in this context.

    “I want to cut his nuts off” is an underused expression meant to convey a sense of dissatisfaction for another person.  No physical harm will result.

    Jesse “wanted to castrate” Obama indicates that Jesse Jackson was so furious, he wanted to prevent Obama’s genes from further spread.  Jesse thinks Obama is so terrible, that if his first two children aren’t Satan’s spawn, surely the next one will be.  Jesse Jackson must, and surely will, separate Obama’s testes from his body and throw them into a vat of molten metal, like in Terminator 2, to prevent a future, time-travelling Obama from arriving and impregnating Sarah Connor with a baby destined to stop Jesse Jackson from worldwide domination with his self-aware robot cronies.  We’re watching you, Jesse!

    How about we use quotes next time?  Anyone with the sense to read an article about politics can probably afford to see the word “nuts.”

    P.S.  Why haven’t you hired me, producers of The Sarah Connor Chronicles?  There’s more where this came from.

    Satirical attack squads

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    The Obama campaign doesn’t like The New Yorker’s new cover.

    The cover, published Sunday, shows Obama in the Oval Office dressed in traditional Muslim attire. His wife, Michelle, wears an Afro hairstyle and has a machine gun slung over her back. An American flag can be seen burning in the fireplace, and a picture of Osama bin Laden hangs on the wall.

    “The New Yorker may think, as one of their staff explained to us, that their cover is a satirical lampoon of the caricature Sen. Obama’s right-wing critics have tried to create,” Obama spokesman Bill Burton said in a statement. “But most readers will see it as tasteless and offensive. And we agree.”

    It’s fine.  Dumbasses have never heard of The New Yorker.  Their exposure and subsequent misinterpretation of this satire will be minimal – at least until Fox News does it for them.

    Classified BS

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    Here’s something that doesn’t make sense.

    The Transportation Security Administration rejected as a “myth” CNN’s report that less than 1 percent of the nation’s daily flights carry armed federal air marshals. Now the agency is conducting an investigation into who talked to CNN and who encouraged other agents to do the same.

    Spokesman Christopher White said a TSA investigator is looking into the “possible unauthorized release of sensitive and classified information to the news media by covered parties.”

    In one sentence they say the number is false.  In the next, they are investigating the “possible unauthorized release of sensitive and classified information.”  How can false information be sensitive and classified?  We are supposed to declassify our false information first.  Then, use it to manipulate the public into supporting stupid wars.  Get it straight.

    I’m worth more than I thought

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    Good, if creepy, information to know.

    The “value of a statistical life” is $6.9 million, the Environmental Protection Agency reckoned in May — a drop of nearly $1 million from just five years ago.

    When drawing up regulations, government agencies put a value on human life and then weigh the costs versus the lifesaving benefits of a proposed rule. The less a life is worth to the government, the less the need for a regulation, such as tighter restrictions on pollution.

    Consider, for example, a hypothetical regulation that costs $18 billion to enforce but will prevent 2,500 deaths. At $7.8 million per person (the old figure), the lifesaving benefits outweigh the costs. But at $6.9 million per person, the rule costs more than the lives it saves, so it may not be adopted.

    Anyone else feel like a number in a spreadsheet?

    Jesse Jackson’s open mic

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    Does anything stand out in this story?  Besides the “cut his nuts off” part?

    The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized Wednesday for “crude and hurtful” remarks he made about Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama after finishing an interview with a Fox News correspondent.

    The remarks came Sunday as Jackson was talking to a fellow interviewee, UnitedHealth Group executive Dr. Reed V. Tuckson. An open microphone picked up Jackson whispering, “See, Barack’s been talking down to black people … I want to cut his nuts off.”

    I would say it’s the “Fox News” part.  What’s with that place and all their conspiracies?

    Ed McMahon’s financial advice

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    Americans are pretty stupid when it comes to money.  Luckily, we have Ed McMahon teaching everyone to learn from his mistakes.

    “If you spend more money than you make, you know what happens. And it can happen. You know, a couple of divorces thrown in, a few things like that. And, you know, things happen.”

    Throwing in a couple divorces will get you every time.  If you add a splash of payday loans, you’re really asking for it.

    Tony Gonzalez is God

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    In 2001, Tony Gonzalez collided with a sideline photographer.  Thanks to the collission and trip to the hospital, the man found out he had a brain tumor.  Tony saved his life.

    Last week, Tony Gonzalez performed the Heimlich maneuver on some dude at a restaurant, and saved his life, too.

    Gonzalez, sitting with his back to Hunter’s table, looked around when he heard Hunter’s companion yelling.

    “She was screaming, `He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe,'” Gonzalez said by phone from California, where he lives in the offseason. “The whole restaurant was quiet. Nobody was doing anything.”

    Diana Martin, a restaurant employee, said no one else seemed to know what to do.

    “He was so lucky Tony was there,” Martin said. “In a situation like that, every second counts. It helped a lot that Tony’s a big, strong guy because you have to be able to apply some pretty good pressure. I don’t think I would have been strong enough to help him.”

    No one else in the entire restaurant had the sense to give the Heimlick maneuver to someone who’s choking on food?  Tony is a hero, but how dumb can a bunch of people at a restaurant in California be?

    Blister wrap madness

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    I don’t like to attack my new products with a knife, but some companies leave me no choice.

    I bought a $17 Duracell battery charger (includes 4 AA rechargeables) at Walmart.  It took me 15 minutes to get it out of the packaging.  I sustained a superficial cut on the upper knuckle of my right ring finger.

    Why do 85 percent of electronics in the $10-30 range come in the strongest packaging known to man?

    I assume it’s because most of these products are small enough to fit into a pocket.  The manufacturer can design blister wrap for shipping efficiency and theft deterrent.  A big, reasonable to open, box would take twice the space to ship.

    There has to be a better way to secure these products.  Obama ’08.

    Police Officers need text messaging, too

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    Some police departments encourage the teens to send in anonymous tips through text message.

    “If somebody hears Johnny is going to bring a gun to school, hopefully they’ll text that in,” said Sgt. Brian Bernardi of the Louisville, Ky., Metro Police Department, which rolled out its text-message tip line in June.

    Sgt. Bernardi went on to explain that if somebody hears Julie is having another totally kicking party like that one on Cinco de Mayo, hopefully they’ll text that in, too.

    What does Limbaugh want?

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    Rush just signed an 8-year extension worth $38 million.

    If Obama wins the Presidency, Rush’s show will improve.  If McCain wins, Rush will be stale.  The same goes for all political talk shows, but Rush is the obvious leader.

    The media always has ratings and revenue at stake more than anything else.  That’s why you put Obama above the fold and at the top of the hour.  Poor McCain has nothing working for him.

    The Subway Diet meets its end

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    Glenn Beck is a fear monger, but he knows how to communicate – to a certain crowd, of course.

    Considering the average amount of gas used per household, the rise has cost us approximately $1,690. With the average 42-inch plasma screen going for $975, just the extra cash you’ve forked over for gas in the last year and a half could have bought you 1.733 plasma TVs. And that number just keeps rising.

    More importantly, that’s 338 pre-tax $5 footlongs from Subway.  Jared might have never lost all that weight if he tried to start the Subway diet today.  He couldn’t afford it.  He’d be dead, and his memorial page would make a lot more sense, and be a little more offensive.

    You should check out Jared Remembered.  Here’s a taste.

    In lieu of donations, please give low fat condiment packets to homeless shelters with the name “Jared Remembered!”

    …

    Little Pants, Big Heart

    I saw you on the tele-tube,
    I knew you ate the yummy food,
    I saw you lost weight and looked good,
    You did and so could I dude.

    You went from thick and then to thin,
    You walked all over and walked right in,
    To my heart and to my den,
    And gave me thoughts akin with sin,

    I lost some weight, not as much anyhow,
    Such hope you gave this little cow,
    Your curtain has fallen so take a bow,
    You’re eating fresh with angels now,
    Amanda J. – Hartford, CT

    Leesa Baldwin spits at America

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    From the article “Some Americans will drive trucks, no matter cost“:

    Seven women pile out of a massive white Chevrolet Suburban and unload the vacuums, mops and buckets of their trade. Gasoline may cost $4 a gallon, but the Chevy’s driver and business owner Leesa Baldwin has no intention of downsizing to a smaller vehicle.

    Damn, that Leesa Baldwin has balls.  She could easily get seven women, their vacuums, mops and buckets into a Prius, but no.  She flaunts her love of fossil fuels with her fancy-pants Suburban.

    Thank god someone pointed out that there are people with a need for a big vehicle.  Without this knowledge, angry citizens might have taken to the street to light school busses filled with children aflame, protesting the bad gas mileage.

    Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    I knew this Barack Obama sensation seemed too easy:

    Dennis Haysbert likes to believe his portrayal as the first African-American U.S. president on Fox’s “24” may have helped pave the way for Barack Obama.

    “If anything, my portrayal of David Palmer, I think, may have helped open the eyes of the American people,” said the actor, who has contributed $2,300 to the Illinois Democrat’s presidential campaign.

    “And I mean the American people from across the board — from the poorest to the richest, every color and creed, every religious base — to prove the possibility there could be an African-American president, a female president, any type of president that puts the people first,” he said Tuesday.

    Sorry Dennis, but you’re forgeting about the Chris Rock comedy “Head of State.” There was some high-level-white-people-mind-changing moments in that flick.

    “24” is racking up quite the list of accomplishments, by the way.

    1. Causing the War in Iraq.  Putting images of nuclear holocaust on U.S. soil into the imaginations of the easily scared.

    2. Electing Barack Obama

    3. That one time when Jack’s daughter Kim ran from a cougar – the cat, not a woman.  Although, the woman storyline would have been better.  Kim picks up a dude at the bar.  A cougar had been working the same dude over earlier, to no avail.  Angered and jealous at the young, delicious blonde, the cougar shows her claws and chases Kim out of the bar and into the wilderness.

    Elisha Cuthbert is good looking.

    Chimps descended from humans

    Posted on by Matt Stooks

    Chimp on a rampage (ooh ah):

    A 42-year-old chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is believed to be at large in a Southern California forest after escaping his cage.

    We shall call him “Cutlery Toilet Monkey.”  How come we’re so impressed that an animal that could easily outlast us in the wild, can also shit on a pot and cut some steak?