BREAKING: Steroids!

Friday, December 14, 2007

America took it right in the kisser yesterday. The Mitchell Report lists 86 players connected to performance-enhancing drugs. That's right, a bunch of baseball players have used steroids. If only we would've seen this coming.

I heard a lot of commentary that focused on a weird angle: Not only did superstars take steroids, but some third stringers who never got playing time took steroids. This is surprising how?

Poor Mike Sweeney. He wasn't on the list, but that's almost as damaging as if he were.

If he was in the report, everyone would've said "See, he only had a couple of good years because he was on steroids. And then got hurt all the time because of it."

But, he's not in the report. So, you should be saying "See, if Mike Sweeney would've taken steroids he wouldn't have gotten hurt all the time."

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Missing curtains found



Missing some burgundy curtains? I think the Watson's Girl is wearing them.




I'm sure the Watson's Girl goes to lots of naked hot tub parties as part of her hot-tub-selling duties. Maybe someone stole her clothes, and she had no choice but to confiscate the curtains, as she was headed to a Watson's commercial shoot in less than an hour. That's the only scenario I find reasonable for this outfit.

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Thanks for ruining Junior, scientists!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Some scientists were bored one day, so they thought they'd piss all over our already-damaged childlike innocence.

With all that growing weight up front, how is it that pregnant women don't lose their balance and topple over? Scientists think they've found the answer: There's are slight differences between women and men in one lower back vertebrae and a joint in the hip, which allow women to adjust their center of gravity.

Do you realize what this means? We've got some serious evolutionary hurtles to overcome before a man can carry a baby like in Junior, one of the best Schwarzenegger-Devito classics.




Sure, men could finish out their pregnancies in wheelchairs, but I doubt that's a healthy practice. Sorry, ladies. It looks like you'll either have to start handing over some vertebra, or keep tackling the practice of pregnancy on your own.

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CNN's Turd-O-Meter



CNN grabbed a handful of undecided Iowa voters, gave them a rotary dial and threw them in a room during the Republican debate Wednesday.

If a candidate said something the voters liked, the voters would turn their knobs to the right, indicating a positive reaction. If a candidate said something the voters didn't like, the voters would turn their knobs to the left, indicating a negative reaction.

Then, CNN mashed the real-time responses with the video and fed it to us as news.

Check out the negative reaction to Alan Keyes.




Why did Keyes score so lowly? I've thought of three possible reasons.

a. He was being a dick (my personal selection)
b. Alan Keyes is running for president?
c. Who let the black guy in the Republican debate?

This is such trashy news coverage. What does a viewer gain from seeing how a tiny group of people react, moment by moment, to what a candidate says? I can see a politician putting together such a focus group, but not a major news operation. Report the facts. "You decide!" CNN has turned into such a shithole since Fox News started kicking its ass. Note: This is not an endorsement for Fox News.

Who wants to smoke a bowl and listen to NPR?

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Flashback: Crunchy and Creamy

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Once a week, I'll post a flashback clip from the old radio days.

Crunchy Creamy Peanut Butter (56 second MP3), one of the most moronic bits we did on the show.

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Three word sentences



"This is Sparta!" - from The 300

"I am Beowulf!" - from Beowulf

"I Am Legend." - title of I Am Legend

Mel Gibson's ass better be headed to a studio to cut the famous "They will never take our freedom" speech from Braveheart and replace it with the much easier to understand "I am Braveheart!"

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What you're missing on MySpace



If you don't have a MySpace account (my page here), you're missing out on a whole different world of advertising.


Screenshot. Sorry, you can't play.


It kind of sucks for the dude (he's a dude, right?) in the picture. I'm guessing he didn't get paid much to play the humiliating role of "Guess the Gender" question.

I was so caught up in the ad's concept, I totally forgot to guess. No flirting quiz for me. Now I'll never get a woman.

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1 of 1000 things wrong with Time Warner



Time Warner's DVR remote has a really stupid feature, the "Master Power" button. The button seems to randomly decide whether it will function as a master power or as a power button for the currently selected device. So, when your cable box turns itself off for no reason, you'll press the CBL, then the power button, yet the remote will sometimes send a power signal to all of your devices, turning off the TV in the process.

There are about 50 buttons on the remote, why can't we have separate power and master power buttons? I can't believe I'm writing about this.

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John McLaughlin says...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

John McLaughlin says "If I flap my wings like this, I can fly!"




Sorry, I took a screenshot of John McLaughlin thinking I could surely come up with something clever to say with it. This is the best I could do.

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It's icy!



It's icy and, therefore, cold outside. This is a nuisance. Haven't you figured this out for yourself?

Now, I finally know why Octobaby got rid of her extra limbs. That's way too much surface area to keep warm.


Six-legged long johns don't come cheap

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The Little Drummer Boy



Poor Baby Jesus. First, he gets gold, a gift his non-materialistic world view could never appreciate. Then, he gets frankincense and myrrh, incenses he would only be able to appreciate in his later, hippie years. Finally, he gets bombarded with a surely horrifying, erratic drum performance from the Little Drummer Boy. Last I checked, a pounding drum doesn't exactly provide a soothing soundtrack for a newborn baby or his parents.

And how delusional is the Little Drummer Boy? Just look at the final lyrics of his song.

Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.

He's smiling because you stopped the incessant flailing of your limbs at your cheap drum, Little Drummer Boy. Shame on you. You're lucky Jesus is pretty laid back.

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Buscemi vs Norm



I can understand Norm MacDonald caving, but I thought there were enough "ugly evil guy" roles to keep Steve Buscemi from voicing a ginger bread man in a "Go Phone" commercial. The world ain't right.

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ROBOT ATTACK IMMINENT!!!

Monday, December 10, 2007

I hoped I wouldn't ever have to do this, but the day has come. Our country is facing impeding doom from robots.

The signs weren't immediately evident when they arrived 25 years ago, but time has exposed their insurrection. That's right, we can longer afford to ignore the Pat Sajak and Vanna White problem.


Sell your soul to the Wheel Watchers Club for eternal, Sajak-like life


Vanna is 50, and Pat is an astounding 61 years old. No human skin can endure that many years under any light, let alone the bright lights of Hollywood and the cancerous California sun. Yet, Pat and Vanna stare, unblemished and eerily, through our TV screens each night as if it were still 1982's Wheel of Fortune.

At best, Sajak and Vanna's plastic surgeon is a witch doctor. At worst, Sajak and Vanna accomplish their youth by feasting on the brains of premature babies. I don't want to find out which is the truth.

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Reality check



Ever since the High Lady called last week, I've been off my game with the blog.

I thought I should address this so you know I'm aware of it and taking the necessary steps to fix the problem (huffing more fingernail polish).

Thanks for your support during this time of crisis.

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John Stossel high at the thought



I'm a huge Ron Paul fan. Watch John Stossel drool when asking Ron if he'd even let the state's legalize heroin.

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Sean Penn is a neocon

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Scenario time. You passionately oppose the war in Iraq. You feel the need to speak out, but you know that every time you speak, you're only hurting your cause. People who've come to hate the war, now like it to spite you. Why would you continue to speak? It's because your name is Sean Penn, and you're either a moron or a neoconservative in disguise (his latest ramblings here).

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This isn't an improvement

Saturday, December 08, 2007

I guess I complained too early about the media name-dropping the Nebraska mall shooter.

Now, we're getting video footage of him walking into the mall and cocking his AK-47. Is our media capable of any restraint? Am I a moron to think this encourages other "troubled teens" to go psycho in front of security cameras?

Politicians and the media are always competing for my hatred. I never thought I'd say the media were winning that battle.

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Guinness Records

Friday, December 07, 2007

The tall guy is the Guinness World Records holder for tallest man, at 7 feet, 9 inches. The little guy applied for the Guinness Record for the shortest man, at 2 feet, 9 inches.


A pint of Guinness? (har har)


I haven't been a fan of Guinness Records since I was a kid, although, I still can't get the image of the longest fingernail woman out of my head. I've been anti-Guinness because it rewards freakshows and those with far too much time on their hands.

As of today, I've changed my ways.

People with the aptitude to go break the record for longest softball game, should probably go do it. Guinness is protecting the rest of us from spending time with these weirdos by giving them something to do. I would have to think you'd get a pretty awful conversation from someone who wants to break a knitting record.

I feel worse for the legit, birthright freakshows. Unlike manufactured record holders, the legit freakshows couldn't avoid their fate. I can only imagine the weird looks they must get on the street. Why not reward them for being so different it messes up their lives?

I'm sorry for doubting you, Guinness. Thanks for taking one for the team.

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God is sick of it, too

Thursday, December 06, 2007

God is getting all kinds of attention this week. The Golden Compass is getting some God-related press. Mitt Romney says he's cool with God.

Why do we care? I understand the importance of religion in people's lives. But can we stop debating our beliefs in public? Just because someone believes something different from you is no reason to piss down your leg. Jesus...I mean, "non-denominational celestial being."

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Gunmen and the media



Another young guy went on a crazy shooting spree. Then, way too many news outlets plastered the killer's name and face on TV.

When will the morons running our media learn that immortalizing these guys' names encourages future behavior in like-minded people? We don't need to learn about the killer's sad poems or video games habits. I don't care that he never got laid.

Yes, there are lessons to learn from these shootings. But making a man famous, who could never get noticed without a gun, teaches a pretty solid lesson to future shooters. Treating these killers like nameless, faceless assholes is a necessity.

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The latest in "shocking" news



Fat kids could stay fat and have bad hearts when they get old.

Luckily, ABC News has created a graphic for those literate enough to get to a news site, but not literate enough to read a story based on common sense.




Check out this brilliant quote from a pediatrics professor:

"Children who have been obese for much of their childhood will enter adulthood with chronic health problems that will only continue if their BMI remains high."


So, if they stay fat, the problems they got for being fat will stay with the fat? OMFG! I never saw it coming! How is this news?

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Spooning

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

A cold December night was good for "spooning" to make #6 on Google Trends.



Notice the hotness level as "On Fire." Is that one notch away from "XXX?" I had no idea spooning was so raunchy.

"Kama Sutra" as a related search? I think spooning is in the "Child's Guide to Kama Sutra." "What is spooning" is another related search. I would hope Google would answer such a question with "You're missing Go, Diego, Go! right now."

Don't get me wrong, spooning has a certain appeal. I just couldn't ever imagine meeting a person who needed to Google it.

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The things that please me



Want to know something sad?

I'm all giggly and mindblown that I can now chat with my AIM friends and my Google friends, all within GMail. I don't need to have two IM programs open. This made my day. The fact that something this insignificant made my day makes me sad. So many conflicting emotions...

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The High Lady returns



(1:54 podcast) The High Lady called and left a voicemail. I've had a bad habit of not logging on to my phone system. After missing this classic High Lady call, I'll do better on that. The number is 785.727.2291, and you can see if I'm available on the right column of the homepage.

It's been a long time since I've had two podcast posts in a row. Don't get used to it.

By the way, it sounds like the High Lady is watching the Chris Casey-Matt Stooks collaboration "KSU: What to do?" during the phone call.

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I'm not George Carlin yet

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

(3:44 podcast) I tried stand up for the first time tonight.

It wasn't terrible. It wasn't brilliant by any means. It was a good learning experience. I'll do it again.

It's a lot different than what I'm used to: talking into a microphone in an empty room with no encouragement/discouragement from an audience. The lights were blinding. I couldn't see anyone. It was like talking into a black hole. There were probably 20 people in the room, eight of them were there to perform, so the atmosphere wasn't the best. I'll let friends come watch me next time, so hopefully I'll have more laughs in my corner.

Feel free to share your thoughts.

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Presidents and vocab



President Bush is a moron. Today, he talked about the national intelligence estimate, which said Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program four years ago.

"I have said Iran is dangerous, and the NIE doesn't do anything to change my opinion about the danger Iran poses to the world. Quite the contrary."

Quite the contrary? Do you know what "contrary" means? Basically, you're saying a report from 16 intelligence agencies saying Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program four years ago reinforces your position that Iran has a nuclear weapons program.

I'm sick of this President.

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Pedophile campout!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Channel 9 News was at the Sprint Center tonight to show off all the little shits adorable kids who went to the Hannah Montana show.

Notice the boy who'll no doubt get his ass kicked in school tomorrow, unless he's been abducted by a pedophile.

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Hillary picked last in kickball



Barack Obama said "I have not been planning to run for President for however number of years some of the other candidates have been planning for."

Hillary Clinton's campaign, looking to call BS, tracked down a quote from his kindergarten teacher. She said Barack wrote an essay with the title "I Want To Become President."

I can only imagine what a further look at Barack's kindergarten work would reveal. If you think illegal immigrants are bad, just wait until President Obama lets our streets overrun with a variety of fire-breathing reptilian characters, clowns and Human Growth Hormone victims.



If only teachers had looked at Barry Bond's drawings


This goldmine from his kindergarten teacher could doom Barack's Presidential aspirations. He better hope a vengeful Clinton classmate comes forward to confirm Hillary's lesbianism with stories of Hillary "scissoring" Barbie and Ken at recess (remember, Ken has a vagina).

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How will we live?



The writers' strike is a month old and might not end for awhile.

I don't think viewers are going to be as annoyed as you might think. We might even appreciate a break from having to watch our favorite TV shows. Maybe we'll learn to use our non-TV time so wisely, we won't stand for the existence of three CSIs, 20 seasons of ER, or one episode of Last Call with Carson Daly.

Reruns give us a chance to break our addiction to TV. If the networks don't realize this, the writers' strike will cost a whole lot more than Internet residuals.

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I'm old



I'll be 27 a month from now. Even as immature as I am, I'm starting to feel as old as I am.

Yesterday's game of Hacky Sack nearly left me a cripple. Both of my hamstrings are sore and I pulled my right groin (currently taking applications for groin masseuse). This weekend, I'll take part in the annual six-mile ThePrewitt.com Triathlon (running, drinking, puking). It will be a shame.

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