Matt Stooks

RIP: What century are you in?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Ozzy Osbourne is playing the Sprint Center, and my mom asked “is he going to bite the head off a bat?” I told her I didn’t think he did that anymore. “Maybe he’ll bite the top off a bottle of Geritol, instead,” she said.

Yes, it was funny, but I felt that Geritol was a pretty outdated reference. So, I asked “what century are you in?” At that moment, I realized that “what century are you in?” could include a relatively recent period of time.

“What century are you in?” doesn’t really work as a slam until you’re in the later part of the century. Therefore, it’s dead to me. If only we’d known earlier, we would’ve been sure to use it more when we could. We were simply too distracted with Y2K.

Family Ties

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“Family Ties” is a classic sitcom. MSNBC used the name “Family Ties” for a special on “a bitter custody battle,” and utterly ruined my night after raising my hopes. If it weren’t for Chris Matthews and Tim Russert, I’d be watching Fox News for this disgrace.

While we’re on the topic, Tina Yothers thinks she can hide under a black wig to avoid public stonings for defecating on “Family Ties” with her mere presence on the show. Nice Try, Yothers. Chrissy from “Growing Pains” was better than you.


The actress responsible for the least redeeming character in Television history

Scott Pelley rules!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Dear Scott Pelley,

You need to slow down.

You’re kicking so much ass, it seems Morley Safer has completely given up. Even the senile Andy Rooney‘s confidence dwindles in your presence. Every once in awhile, Bob Simon creeps up on you with a couple of hard-hitting stories, only to have you respond by reporting from five continents at the same time. The legendary Mike Wallace fled the business because of your ridiculous standard. Don’t even get me started on Lesley Stahl.

Don’t get me wrong, Scott. You do amazing work. But I worry you’ll meet your demise at this current pace. A jealous colleague could take you out when you least suspect it. Or maybe you’ll perish in a tragic elephant stampede while reporting on the ivory war. Let the world turn without you tonight, Scott. We’re all worried sick.

Be safe,

Matt

A legendary Lawrence landmark in jeopardy?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I have a certain notorious Douglas County strip club as a friend on MySpace. I received the following bulletin and put my favorite parts in bold:

To everyone who works at the Outhouse, Amber-Zilla runs this promotional page for this club. As the promoter I feel it is necessary to delete this website as it is turning into a bar far different than the one I started working at. In fact, I quit the other night because it is just not worth the effort to come in and waste money to work out here anymore.

Jeff is a Nazi who demands and demands and gives nothing in return which is no way to run an establishment. He gives underage girls alcohol so they will sleep with him and he spreads STD’s. This is not speculation or rumor, this is FACT. To everyone who is quitting, I say, GOOD JOB. You can make better money elsewhere and not deal with the shady bouncers or tyrannical owner of this place anymore.

FYI, all the girls who USED to work here now either work at Whispers, Bonita Flats and/or The Flamingo or Allstars. Allstars isn’t that great of a place either but if you like R&B, you might try checking it out.

In fact I hear that 2 for 1 dances will now be going on all night every night, even in VIP. And also a little birdie told me that they will start doing 5 and 10 dollar dances instead of 20. Someone wants to lose employees it seems. Someone has become power hungry.

So, I am boycotting this place by erasing this site, I will give everyone a chance to read this bulletin and respond first.

Too bad it didn’t remain a music venue as it originally started out as.

I haven’t been to the Outhouse in ages. If anyone’s heading that way soon, it still sounds like a pretty good time. Thanks for the reminder, disgruntled Outhouse employee! Don’t forget: BYOB.

Standard Time

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I didn’t stay up late, I didn’t sleep in, and I ended up pissing away the only benefits of this whole time-change nonsense. When we lose an hour in the Fall, I know it’s going to end up being one of those days when I need a 24-hour day. The time-change benefits me in one way: keeping my clock purchases in check. If I ever got the urge to go on a clock-buying spree, Daylight Saving Time would surely keep me grounded. No one wants to deal with setting all those clocks all the time.

Hey government, I have a suggestion for you, and I’m not even going to charge you for it. In the Spring, let’s just set our clocks a half hour ahead. Then, we’ll have a compromise between Standard and Daylight Saving Time and never have to mess with our clocks again. Why has no one elected me to office yet?


Maybe we can use this clock for a couple months a year.

April O’Neill is hot

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Yellow Jumpsuit April had the best breasts and always showed off the most cleave. Her voice was the most annoying and rarely matched the animation. Lower left April never did much for me at all. Lower right April didn’t have red hair and disappeared way to early in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. I haven’t seen TMNT yet, so I’ll have to withhold judgment on upper left April. For all I know she could be a high school reporter, and I’d be a total perv for wanting to “get all up on that!”

Mindblow: NES Zapper

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Some friends and I were talking about what a technological marvel the original Nintendo Zapper was.

How’d they do that? The Wikipedia explanation hurts my brain.

When the trigger was pulled, the game blanked out the screen with a black background for one frame, then, for one additional frame, drew a solid white rectangle around the sprite the user was supposed to be shooting at. The photodiode at the back of the Zapper would detect these changes in intensity and send a signal to the NES to indicate whether it was over a lit pixel or not. A drop followed by a spike in intensity signaled a hit. Multiple sprites were supported by flashing a solid white rectangle around each potential sprite, one per frame.

It is possible to cheat in games by changing the brightness and contrast of the television, or pointing the gun at a bright light. The gun thinks it is pointing at a solid white target and will report a hit. If there are multiple targets, the “hit” target will be the first to be lit with the white square. This is not as consistent with a fluorescent lamp due to the possible differences in timing of the lamp’s flicker verses the timing of the television’s refresh rate.

Additionally, by using a magnifying glass on the gun, it fools the receptor into thinking that the rectangle is much larger than it actually is, allowing for a shotgun-like effect that will cover the entire screen. The same effect can be achieved by smearing grease to the lens.

Due to the Zapper’s technological limitations, it is not compatible with some HDTVs. The video processing built into a HDTV (scaling, upconverting) can cause a time delay of several frames with the picture output by the console so that even well-aimed shots, which would register as “true” on standard televisions, almost always fail as a result of this time latency.

Whoa!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I changed the header of this website today. I think it’s fun. Especially since you can stare at the “Matt Stooks.com” part and it kinda messes with your head, thanks to it’s quasi-three-dimensionality. You see that!? How the subhead totally plays off the header? I kick ass.

Get killed on craigslist?

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Every once in awhile, I run across a posting on craigslist that makes me wonder if the poster is looking for someone to murder. Like this one:

ladies with hairy armpits/or legs?
Reply to: gigs-466758357@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-02, 9:39AM CDT

I am looking for female models 18-50 with hairy armpits and legs natural

U toucha my Internet, I breaka U face

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Check out this headline from a discovermagazine.com story and the accompanying picture:

This man wants to control the Internet.
And you should let him.

With this headline and photo, Discover is basically saying “Yeah, we know he looks like a complete douche, but what he has to say makes sense. Maybe you should listen.”

Nice try, Discover. You greatly underestimate how high I value looks.

Pubey hair and urine sweat

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’m watching the KU-Pitt State basketball game. The broadcast has already horrified me twice, only 30 minutes into the game.

First off, Sasha Kaun is sporting a giant pubic mass on his head. I hope to God he doesn’t keep growing this thing out. It already looks much more pubic than the picture below.

UPDATE: Sasha looks like absolute death with 12 minutes to go.

Secondly, I saw one of those commercials where the athletes are sweating Gatorade. Can you believe these “sweating Gatorade” commercials are still around? I can’t find it online, but it’s the football one where the guy is sweating the piss-colored Gatorade, delivers a hit, more piss flies around, and then Bill Parcells shows up in a tollbooth and says something about a Golden Shower or something. I’m not sure, but it’s weird as hell.

Did I eat feces?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I ate some Totino’s Party Pizza last weekend. It was the first time I’ve noshed on Totino’s in forever. My timing always blows, as indicated in this news:

Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli.

What did I do to deserve this? I know I have had diarrhea at least once since the ingestion, so I could easily be hosed. Do they actually expect people who buy Totino’s to be willing to return them?

The frozen pizzas were produced in its Wellston, Ohio, plant and distributed throughout the United States. The plant is currently making other pizzas, but not with pepperoni, General Mills spokesman Tom Forsythe said.

Does this mean we won’t be able to get pepperoni topping on Totino’s Party Pizzas at any store? Have they taken them off the shelves completely? If not, you’d better run to the store before they start price gouging. If they are off the shelves, I hope you have a padlock for that Totino’s stockpile in your freezer. This could get messy like the bloody excrement of an E. coli victim.

It pays to read your food box, kids.

Side note: People who eat Jeno’s pizzas probably do deserve E. coli.

Side note 2: I always thought the sausage was most likely to be tainted. Go figure.

RIP: Dog the Bounty Hunter

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Dog the Bounty Hunter is in trouble for saying the N-word six times during a phone conversation with his son.

Here you go. Beware: he says the N-word a whole lot.

There’s something extra hilarious about this latest N-word fiasco. Dog wasn’t going around saying “N-word this and N-Word that and goddamn N-words!” Nothing like that. Dog is talking on the phone with his son, telling him that he’s worried that his son’s girlfriend will go to the Enquirer and tell them that he uses the N-word. So, he gets busted for using the N-word during a conversation about how he doesn’t want to get busted for using the N-word. Haha!

Waterboarding

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Waterboarding is getting a lot of press lately.

Waterboarding (aka “water boarding”) is the practice of immobilizing an individual on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face to force the inhalation of water and induce the sensation of drowning.

How could something so horrifying have such a fun, California-style name? Do they at least play some Beach Boys while all this is going down?

Women and Hillary

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I’ve always thought way too many voters make their choices on team mentality.

When George W. Bush ran against John Kerry, many people cited the “beer test” for where their vote would go. Who would be more fun to have a beer with? That’s who you would vote for.

Almost as bad, is this weird “Hillary’s a woman, she knows what it’s like to be me!” thing for a lot of women, as Hillary has 2/3 of all democratic females polling her way. Yes, it would be great to have a woman president, but shouldn’t women weigh this fact a little differently? Shouldn’t you at least take into consideration how she would be as president? Because if she does a crappy job, men everywhere will unite to point out what’s between her legs.

Procrastinators rejoice!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

If you haven’t put a Halloween costume together, Robert Goulet just handed you the perfect costume on a platter.

You see, when Goulet was in a hospital waiting for a lung transplant, he didn’t really give you much to work with. What’re you going to do? Dress up like Goulet in a hospital gown? Boring.

But now that Goulet has passed, you can pull of a Zombie Goulet costume with relative ease. Slick back the hair, throw on a mustache, some white makeup to make you pale, add some blood, and voilà!

Thanks, Goulet!

Thoughts on Halloween

Posted on by Matt Stooks

1. Are you too old to trick or treat? You usually reach an age where you become “too cool” for Halloween. This typically occurs around the age of 13. A couple of years pass. You turn 16 and realize the value of free candy. It’s at this point that you must decide whether free candy is worth the awkward stares and possible “Aren’t you too old for Halloween?” exchanges. Doing this with no costume is a further sign of your desperation and dependence on free candy.

Too old and too scary for Halloween

2. Are you a shitty house to visit? You can tell a lot about someone based on the candy they give on Halloween. If the wrapper tears and sticks to your candy, and you aren’t poor, you are a terrible person. If you give out full-sized candy bars, you’re snooty. You should land somewhere in between.

The only candy designed to make kids cry

3. What about tricks? I don’t know anyone who’s given out a trick instead of a treat. Yet, “trick” comes first in the question “Trick or treat?” Are the kids sincere when asking “Trick or treat?” Would they really settle for a trick? I encourage you to learn some tricks to perform on Halloween. See if the kids will be content with a simple trick and no candy. Tip: I wouldn’t suggest doing penis tricks. It’s usually cold on Halloween. Incarceration is another consideration.

Another reason to hate Grey’s Anatomy

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The New York Times is trying to give credit to “Grey’s Anatomy” for inventing the word “vajayjay.”

It began on Feb. 12, 2006, when viewers of the ABC series “Grey’s Anatomy” heard the character Miranda Bailey, a pregnant doctor who had gone into labor, admonish a male intern, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.”

I can’t wait for “Grey’s Anatomy” to “invent” other fun substitutes for “vagina.” I just “invented” some other fun words for them to use: “coochie,” “cooter,” “hoohoo,” “hooha,” “tampon socket,” etc. Come on, Grey’s!

Note: My quotation mark key is tired.

Are you qualified?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

From craigslist:

Write porn reviews, get free dvds and get rewarded

Seeking adult dvd reviewers in exchange for free DVDs and/or free access to online videos.

Uh, so what are the requirements for this position? I’m sure not just any man can come off the street and do such a job.

I can’t say I’ve ever read a porn review before. I know. Such a loser. Do you talk about lighting? Or rigidity/flaccidity of different “actors?” Do you point out ass-zits that should’ve received proper makeup? I’m lost. I won’t be applying for this job.

You will vote Kucinich, and you will like it!

Posted on by Matt Stooks
Since most of us are too dumb and/or lazy to figure it out ourselves, several websites let you enter your stance on different political topics, and spit out a list ranking the presidential candidates. That’s assuming you know what ANWR Drilling, Kyoto and Net Neutrality mean. Check it out here. It’s non-partisan and the code is open, so you don’t have to worry about this woman messing with your results:

Katherine Harris is the one on the right

This article points out Kucinich’s total domination in the results:

But here’s the interesting point. This website also gives some statistical history of how people have voted. As of this writing, 153,350 people have completed the quiz. Of those people, more than half (57% in fact) have discovered that Dennis Kucinich is the candidate they should be supporting.

Of course, you have to take into account who might be taking this poll in the first place. For example, Kucinich is an Internet sensation. People love blogging about him and looking at him. Spending all this time online will likely lead to them discovering the “Pick Your Candidate” site.


Kucinich: Handsomely cuddly

A Giuliani supporter, meanwhile, has yet to discover the Internet. Case closed.


Giuliani: Somehow a less ugly woman than man

Next year’s Halloween costume

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Okay, I ended up costumeless for last night’s Halloween party. It was a little awkward at first, but a dozen Miller High Life Lite’s seemed to improve the situation.

I relied heavily on the beard. If people asked, I told them I was Al from Home Improvement. They then chastised me for not wearing a flannel. I went on to explain that we haven’t seen Al in ten years, so maybe he’s updated his style.

My other costume excuse was that I was going as one of those douche bags who doesn’t dress up for Halloween.

Learning the error of my ways, I’ve decided to leave a little note to refer to for next year’s Halloween costume. I’m going to go as a girl who dresses up all slutty for Halloween. Every year, the ladies seem to top the sluttiness of the year before. It’s amazing work. They are the real heroes of Halloween.

During a show this time last year, we talked about how easy girls are on Halloween.

Lipitor conflict of interest?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Lipitor has a commercial based on an endorsement from Richard Jarvik, inventor of the artificial heart.

But wouldn’t you say the inventor of the artificial heart would want people’s hearts to fail so he can put a baboon heart in them? And, I’ve yet to meet a single person with an artificial heart. It’s hardly saving billions of lives. Come on, Lipitor. How dumb do you think we are?

Besides, this Jarvik character is more than a tad on the creepy side.

Age of consent

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She didn’t serve us, but we had the pleasure of checking out quite the waitress at Chelley’s Mexican Restaurant last night.

Then, someone pointed out that they thought she was likely too young. Then, there were the braces. So yeah, she was probably a bit too young. But Jon insisted that if a woman looks to be fertile, she should be fair game. I told him I didn’t think it worked that way.

Halloween costumes

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’m screwed.

I need a costume for tonight, and I have no clue what to do. Children’s costumes usually fit me to comedic effect, but I’m thinking that’s a little played out.

I have a beard now, so I’ve been trying to think of ways to brainstorm off that, but all I’m coming up with is Al from Home Improvement. He’s still top of mind, right?


“I don’t think so, Stooks.”

Notes from Game 2 of the World Series

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Boyz II Men shocked the world when they sang “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch. How did Boston land that act? Seriously, though, what’s with all the gratuitous America loving? The Star Spangled Banner is more than enough. Here’s a compromise: hand out American flag lapel pins to the first 15,000 fans, and don’t take away our Jumbotron limbo time.

“He can find the monster with the right stroke.” – Tim McCarver with Todd Helton at the plate in the 9th. This is a filthy thing to say, McCarver, and your dumb ass knows it.

I’m convinced that Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is at least slightly retarded. Watch him clap at the baby in this commercial.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention the really long interview with the dude from Taco Bell talking about how everyone gets a free taco between 2 and 5 pm next Tuesday, the 30th. Thanks goes to Boston center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury for stealing the base, and thus helping America steal a Taco. USA! USA! USA!

iPhone: For Morons

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Have you seen the new iPhone ads with the douches talking about why they needed an iPhone? One particular ad annoys the hell out of me. The guy talks about how he had to carry a bag around to hold all of his electronic devices. Yes, I’ve done the same, but this guy’s reasoning is really messed up (bold mine).

“I had the iPod, I had a camera, and I had a regular phone, and a phone for text messaging and emails and stuff like that.”

So, explain again why you carried around two phones? At first, I hoped he was saying that he had a landline phone. But in the context of “needing a bag to carry it around,” he has a regular cell phone and a separate phone dedicated for “text messaging and emails and stuff like that.” Why would you have two phones if one of them can do text messaging and email? Are you talking on the phone and sending text messages at the same time? What kind of messed up savant are you, anyway?

I’m confused, celebrities!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Keanu Reeves has me concerned about global warming. But Bonnie Raitt is telling me nuclear power, a key way to fight gloabal warming, is no good. My head’s going to explode from the inner conflict!

Keanu?

Raitt?

Who will win the battle for my mind?

BTW, I hate to say it, but I really think the guy who plays Peter in “Heroes” gets his acting cues from Keanu. I was looking for a YouTube video to reinforce my position, but it seems that you can’t upload a Heroes video to YouTube without adding some Nickelback for the soundtrack.

Go away, Paris

Posted on by Matt Stooks

From Newsweek

Ms. Hilton Gets Serious. Please Stop Laughing.

Rich girl. Party animal. Jailbird. America’s No. 1 heir-head wants to get out of the bimbo business.

And here’s Paris’ “You can’t see it, but my legs aren’t wide open in this pose” pose.


“Can I move now? My crabs are itchy.”

She’s shooting a movie called “Repo! The Genetic Opera!” The director put her in a black wig, and gave her a prosthetic nose.

“I don’t want her to look like Paris Hilton,” says the director, Darren Lynn Bousman, “because I want people to know she got this role because she can act.”

Suuuuure. Riiiiiiiiiiight.

I know I’m not breaking new ground here, but I’m ready for Paris Hilton to go away. And here’s my personalized message to her:

Dear Paris,

Congratulations on milking so much out of life by being a rich slut with a night-vision camera. Rick Salomon deserves some credit for your success, but at the rate you were sitting on it, you likely would’ve ran into a similar scenario had Rick not met you. Do you even realize that this single event is wholly responsible for your fame?

You probably didn’t deserve to go to jail for as long as you did. It was unfair. But it simply mirrored your unfair rise to success in Hollywood as a result of being a filthy, skanky, paparazzi-loving, crotch-rotting snob.

You’ve enjoyed your run. We’ve tolerated it for quite awhile. But, you will not end up a successful actress. You’re an idiot with no qualifications. You look like a bird. Go away.

Sincerely,

Matt