Matt Stooks

Waterboarding cows

Posted on by Matt Stooks

A California meat packer is recalling 143 million pounds of beef (bold mine).

Hallmark/Westland Meat Packing Co voluntarily recalled all of its beef produced since February 1, 2006. USDA said Hallmark violated rules against the slaughter of “downer cattle” — that is, animals too ill to walk.

How, exactly, do you recall beef from two years ago? Does the recall cover the stool samples I’ve been saving for the past two years?  Do I get a refund?

The Humane Society of the United States showed videotapes on January 30 showing workers at the plant using several abusive techniques to make animals stand up and pass a pre-slaughter inspection. These included ramming cattle with forklift blades and using a hose to simulate the feeling of drowning.

They waterboarded the cattle?  Somehow this technique made retard cows stand?  Or is this just a cover?  Maybe cows were plotting to use their “downer cattle” to stage intricate milk squirting attacks on ethanol plant workers complicit in occupying the cows’ land?

There’s plenty to be answered in this story.  For now, let’s take solace in the fact that the CIA didn’t destroy these tapes before they came to the public’s attention.

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Downer cattle (See: Rosie O’Donnell)

When has-beens sue

Posted on by Matt Stooks

From Slashdot:

The Pirate Bay’s legal concerns are continuing to grow. Prince and the Village People are planning to sue the popular torrent site with the help of the Web Sheriff law firm. John Giacobbi of Web Sheriff has also asked Swedish band ABBA to join the cause. The suit is seeking “millions of dollars” in damages.

The moral of the story?  If you know any has-been musicians, you might want to tell them about the Internet.  Then, tell them they can pay their Indian-costume maintenance fee by suing file-sharing services.

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Broke

Not cool, Lew’s

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Jon (his amazing performance of “Hurts So Good” with a street performer in Westport here) and I went to Lew’s to celebrate our singlehood on Valentine’s.

Lew’s is a bar and grill, more bar than grill, and definitely not the ideal Valentine’s date location.  However, we did see several couples enjoying Lew’s for Valentine’s.

I couldn’t imagine any decent guy taking his lady to Lew’s.  Making matters worse, the waitresses were giving roses to the women.   So, not only did your man take you to Lew’s, but the waitress outdid him.

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Fox News Redemption

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I hate Fox News. But they made my day with the first sentence in this story.

Bai Ling’s first name may not be synonymous with her actions.

The Chinese-born actress was arrested Thursday for allegedly shoplifting at Los Angeles International Airport after a gift shop employee accused her of swiping, not buying, two magazines and a pack of batteries, Reuters reports.

Pretty funny stuff. Not as funny as an offspring of Greta Van Susteren and Alan Colmes would look like, though.

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Lots of ugly

Single Valentine’s Day

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Valentine’s Day is the best day to be single all year – for a guy.

Single women get depressed because they ain’t got no man on Valentine’s. But it’s fantastic to be a single guy on Valentine’s.

Men have to do the heavy lifting on Valentine’s. Women just have to sit there. Yes, that innuendo was deliberate.

Single guys don’t have to throw money at gifts, a fancy restaurant or a hotel room. Not only are we carefree on Valentine’s, but couples feel bad for our single state.

I started dating a girl in January once. I realized it was going nowhere. I realized even quicker that I needed to bail before Valentine’s. If that relationship had started after Valentine’s, it might have taken all the way until the next Valentine’s before I got the motivation to end it.

I love you Valentine’s. Will you be my Valentine?

American Gladiator Hearings

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I have a feeling Roger Clemens will be indicted for perjury in his Congressional testimony.

Lost in all the baseball hubbub is a steroid crisis unfolding in front of America right on network television. One of our favorite past times is in peril, and no one says a word.

First, take a look at the American Gladiators from 20 years ago.

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These classic Gladiators are clean as a whistle, except for some questionable use of hair products (I’m looking at you, guy next to Nitro).

Now, take a look at the new American Gladiators.

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NBC comes right out and says “A new breed of Gladiator!” They might as well say “A new breed of Gladiator! Half man, half Walgreens!”

Yet we refuse to question the ridiculous size of these beings. In fact, mass crowds of people shower the “thumbs down” upon the feeble, uninjected challengers falling helplessly into pits of water at the Gladiators’ hands.

Worse, the show claims one of the contestants will “get a shot” at being a new American Gladiator. A shot? NBC is rubbing our face into a giant vat of HGH, and we look the other way. When 160-pound Evan Dollard inevitably wins the competition, then returns as a 250-pound, shrunken-testicle’d bohemith next year, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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“Even though I won’t have a nut sack, I’ll still look like one.”

Congress going after baseball players won’t keep Nitro’s broken Joust records warm at night.

Shame on you, America.

Note: I’m pretty sure the “Wolf” Gladiator is 100 percent natural. Please don’t investigate him.

On Heath Ledger

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Now that we’ve learned the official report of Heath Ledger‘s accidental death from an unfortunate mix of legal prescription drugs and Mary Kate Olsen (one could only imagine what Dave Coulier would’ve added to this deadly cocktail), I feel the need to weigh in.

However, I can only describe my true feelings after viewing “The Dark Knight.”

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Ledger as The Joker…or Pam Anderson without her herpe meds

However, I can give some scenarios.

1. Heath Ledger’s death, not taking into account his role as The Joker.  

Sucks for him.  He was a good actor, but I won’t cry over it.  I didn’t know him personally.

2. Heath Ledger completely rocks as The Joker, and The Joker is killed off at the end of the movie.

I’m a huge Batman fan.  The preview looks great, and I have a feeling he kicks ass in this movie.  I’ll feel slightly sadder for his passing, but glad he went out on top.

3.  Heath Ledger completely rocks as The Joker, and The Joker lives to see a sequel.

I will cry.  Then, I will beg Michael Keaton (swerve, Jack) to take over the role.  Beetlejuice, anyone?

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Moment of Truth

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I saw “Moment of Truth” for the first time tonight. It’s that Fox show where they hook contestants up to a lie detector and ask embarrassing questions.

It’s pretty fun to watch. There are a couple of things to note.

First, does the audience need to let out a shocked “ahhhhh” every time a question comes up? Yes, the questions are embarrassing. But I don’t think we need a collective sound of shock at a question regarding whether this waiter contestant ever took a coworker’s tip.

Second, that stupid lie detector voice is flawed. If the contestant just confirmed an embarrassing question, I doubt he’s lying. Why do we need a dramatic pause to find out whether he’s lying? Let’s say the contestant just answered “yes” to having shat in his English teacher’s flower pot in high school. I don’t think he’d lie and say “yes” to trick people into believing he had awesome bowel movements.

Third, why did this guy just throw away his money on such a stupid question? This former underwear model said “no” to the question of whether he ever stuffed to enhance his package. He was disqualified for a lie. Have you seen some of the guys on underwear packages? I’m pretty sure they’re all packing. If they’re not, they’ve got an odd blob of genitalia that conforms perfectly to their briefs, showing no definition whatsoever. That is not an embarrassing question to say “yes” to.

Yes, I look at the junk on underwear models. How else will I know which will show off my business the best?  I don’t usually stare longingly at it or anything.

Missouruh

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Missouri voted last night.

Missouri is an important indicator in politics, thanks to its mix of urban and rural communities. This means I’ve had to hear almost every news douche opt for the “Missouruh” pronunciation in the last 24 hours.

Here’s a good post about why a correct pronunciation doesn’t exist.

But I don’t care about regional pronunciations. I care about usability and perception.

On usability: “Missouri” should sound like it looks.

On perception: If it’s pronounced “Missouruh,” it sounds like a state of hicks. While some might argue for this point, I think it would be in Missourians’ best interest to start pronouncing their state reasonably.

Speaking of hicks, I know this guy has to pronounce it “Missourah.”

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Speaking of Hicks, I know Bert has to pronounce it correctly.

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Hint: Hicks looks exactly like Bert

Obama is black

Posted on by Matt Stooks

The media has made a point to constantly talk about how Bill Clinton “injected” race into the campaign.

Then, the same media goes on to point out exactly which races and genders voted for Barack and Hillary.

I found this curious.

After some intense investigation, I have determined Barack Obama to be black.  During the course of my investigation, I also stumbled upon the fact that Hillary Clinton is a woman.

Why aren’t we hearing the race-gender exit polls about the white guys on the Republican side?   Not enough non-white and non-male Republican voters for a good sample size?

Last night’s big winner

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Who was last night’s big winner? If you guessed K-State, you’re wrong.

It’s this guy:

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He was at Charlie Hooper’s for the KU-K-State game last night.

He has an awesome tattoo of a watch under his watch, but he has an even better shirt.

Things To Do:

1. Your Sister

2. Your Mom

You gotta love when the most unattractive douchebag at the bar where’s a shirt like this.

The Snub

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Have you heard about The Snub?  Hillary reached for Barack’s hand at the State of the Union and struck out.

The media has been using this photo as proof of the snub.

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Barack says he was talking to someone else at the time.  Hillary is obviously talking to Ted Kennedy at the time, so this picture doesn’t prove anything to me.

But let’s say the snubbed happened.

I was raised Catholic.

One of the biggest worries I had going to Church was the Sign of Peace snub.  You shake hands with people around you and say “peace.”  There are lots of hands to shake, so it’s fairly typical to reach your hand out to someone while they simultaneously reach out for someone else.  I wouldn’t say that person deliberately snubbed me.

Until we get the photo/video of Barack staring Hillary down while she put her hand out, I’ll go ahead and call this media-generated bullshit.   But surely no other cameras were focused on Ted Kennedy, Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton at this time.

QuikTrip got me

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I didn’t know what I would buy when I walked into QuikTrip tonight.

I was hoping to avoid taquitos if at all possible.

Then, I saw it.

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I don’t frequent QuikTrip enough to know when this Hot-Pocket-style bread stick came into being, but it looked more than appetizing.

They had three options: cheese, pepperoni or a pepperoni-sausage combination. Naturally, I took the pepperoni-sausage combo.

That’s when I noticed the sign. I could buy one of these glorious-looking bread sticks for $1.19. Or I could buy two for $2.

I don’t know what came over me, but I fell for the deal. I wasn’t even that hungry, but somehow the idea of QuikTrip getting an extra 19 cents out of my bread stick purchase didn’t seem right.

I kicked myself on the way home. I swear I’m not one of “those people.”

That second bread stick better reheat well. Lucky for QuikTrip, I enjoyed the first. Otherwise I might blog meaner about the whole situation.

Why do you have two doors?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

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Dear store owner,

You’ve achieved amazing symmetry with the two glass doors leading into your building.  You could improve upon your feat by making both doors functional.

The natural order of our country is to go right.  You drive in the right lane, you go through the right door.  Can you see the problems that arise when you refuse to keep both doors unlocked?

What kind of sick person takes pleasure in watching customers nearly pull their shoulders out of socket upon failing to open a locked door?  You sicken me.

The State of the Union

Posted on by Matt Stooks

There’s a ton of reasons I wouldn’t run for Congress, but the State of the Union Address just might top the list.

I hate giving a standing ovation, and standing ovations are thrown around like candy at the State of the Union.  I just don’t think that many things deserve a standing ovation.  If I approve of something, I’d be glad to clap for it.  But I’m not going to get up and down like a monkey every time you say something I agree with.  If you blow my mind, I’d be glad to stand.

Why don’t I just stay seated and clap?  I don’t handle standing ovation peer pressure very well, alright?  I’d either sit there awkwardly while everyone stared at me, or I’d stand up and compromise my standing-ovation beliefs.

Even regular applause would cause me issues.

If I wasn’t on the president’s side, I would need to display a disgruntled face.  And what if the president slipped in a “I don’t think people should kill puppies” into the speech, but I wasn’t paying attention thanks to Larry Craig’s leg brushing against mine?  Then, I would have an obviously disgusted face, the camera would pan to me, and everyone would think I was pissed for the end of puppy murder.

Even if applause completely disappeared, I’d be screwed.  The camera always focuses way too long on one person.  Do you realize how moronic someone looks when you just stare at them listening to something?  They might as well have drool seeping from the corner of their mouthes while they sit there, comatose and blinking.

Here’s a shot from the State of the Union Address.  It came after Bush dropped a “fund our troops” line.

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Tons of fun in this photo.

1.  Notice the reluctant large woman applauding at the top of the photo.

2.  The guy yawning.

3.  The guy next to him looks ready to puke.

4.  The military woman next to the yawning guy with a look of “bullshit” in response to Bush’s funding the troops line.

In summation, I and any reasonable person will never run for office.

What year is this?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

The FCC needs someone to fine:

The Federal Communications Commission on Friday said it plans to fine the Walt Disney Co’s ABC network $1.4 million for airing an episode of “NYPD Blue” in 2003 that showed a woman’s nude buttocks.

I hear there’s some amazing video of the scene here. For some reason, the audio doesn’t work, but I don’t think you’ll mind.

The funny thing is how many more eyes will see this five-year-old clip because of the FCC’s free publicity. The sad thing is how terrible TV has been since Janet Jackson’s boobie showed up at the Super Bowl.

The agency said it received “numerous complaints” about the scene, in which a young boy walks in on a nude woman about to take a shower.

So, what was the magic complaint number for the FCC to finally pull a fine out of its pants for this?

Luckily for ABC, Sipowicz naked ass lies safely in the “public interest” category, otherwise they’d have to pony up for those clips, too. Sorry, I couldn’t find any links to naked Sipowicz. You’d think it would be relatively easy to find some stock photos of a naked Sipowicz buttock. Not so.

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“My face has a hardon for my ass. That’s how ugly I am.”

Grandmas don’t touch my Wii

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Why is it still so hard to find a Nintendo Wii?  All the nursing homes are buying them up.

Why won’t I let a grandma touch my Wii?

Their pruney grandma-hands have crevices that trap all kinds of bacteria and food crums.  I don’t need that on my Wii remote.

Plus, they refuse to wear the wrist strap.  I don’t need to be cussing out some grandma when she throws the remote through my TV.

Sorry, grandmas.  You won’t be touching my Wii anytime soon.  I’ll let you watch.

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Ew, the wrist strap touched her hair!

Regarding Internet porn

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Of course, I don’t have any experience with Internet pornography. But I hear it’s doing quite well.

Several popular sites are basically YouTube for porn.

Vivid Entertainment does not like these sites. They keep masturbators from buying overpriced DVDs from Vivid.

Most of the material comes from amateurs.  But, just like YouTube, some copywrited material leaks onto these sites. So, Vivid is suing.

Opponents of the lawsuit say that the short clips on these sites serve as a promotional tool for Vivid. Vivid thinks otherwise.

Money shot quote:

“Two or three minutes — that’s all you need,” Hirsch says. “After watching two or three minutes of hardcore sex, you’re not going to go and buy the full movie. And if you look on these sites, an overwhelming amount of content is copyrighted.”

So, these sites will likely need to get copywrited content off, leaving a still vast array of amateur videos.

I’m shocked at the number of people willing to film themselves and upload it to the Internet.  Pornography is a hobby that spans generations.  The scat porn you upload today, gets watched by your parents tomorrow.

Dear Presidential candidates,

Posted on by Matt Stooks

You’re all full of shit.

Republicans, you won’t be cutting taxes, the Mexicans are staying, and you’re not going into Iran.

Democrats, you won’t be getting health care.

The market is in the toilet, our money has vanished in an endless pit in Iraq, and the money we do have isn’t worth dick. You can’t pay for any of these tax cuts or expenditures.

Screw all that. Which candidate has the shiniest American flag lapel pin? I’m voting for them.

TiVo and Sports

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I was a little overwhelmed this weekend, so I wasn’t able to watch the KU-MU game until Sunday, a day late.

I was talking to my friend Stephen about how great DVR is. I extolled the benefits of watching sports on DVR, so long as you don’t run into someone who spoils the result.

We talked about watching sports games well after they start, compressing the game into a much smaller time frame as a result. So, if kickoff is at noon, you start watching at 12:30.

Stephen was cool with this idea with one exception: you can’t do this with your favorite teams.

He had a great argument. If you start watching a Chiefs’ noon kickoff at 12:30, you will likely cheer when your team makes a great play – in DVR time. However, the Chiefs may have given up a touchdown or interception in real time. So, while your happily clapping away at your team’s time-shifted play, they could be making a disastrous play in real time. Karmic disaster ensues.