Donald Trump fired Carolyn! She was using her new fame too much to make money.

"My ears seem heavy..."

Whoops!

I pulled a CNN and forgot to turn my microphone off when I went to the bathroom.



A caller talks about Cosmo polls and how John Mayer fits into the picture.

Chris' back has been messed up.

Luckily, a chiropractor, without a mustache, calls in. We discuss why all chiropractors need mustaches.

Aquarius
You've been ready for success -- and finally, success is ready for you. This is thrilling -- but also just the teensiest bit scary, because Bruce Villanch is the one fluffing success in the backroom so it’s ready for you when it comes out.

Cancer
There's more to your life than meets the eye. Pay attention to dreams, symbols and coincidences. People who keep crossing your path are there for a reason: knife fight.

Scorpio
Your social interactions need a greater purpose. Seek out ways to benefit others. Emphasize altruism and consideration. De-emphasize whipped-cream-pie-to-the-face-ism.

Aries
What makes you fulfilled creatively can also help you make money. But you’ll need lots of penicillin and a close relationship with the fuzz.

Stooks Proverb: Faith can move mountains. It can barely nudge Mangino.

Have you noticed how many magazines start existing each day? One called Watch! featured an altered photo of Katie Couric to make her look 20 pounds thinner than she actually is! Actually, the magazine is only available to CBS stations and American Airline passengers (no joke).

Paris Hilton's new CD debuted at #6. Back to whoring.


Katharine McPhee is up for the role of Wonder Woman. But does anyone want to see her bulimia vomit on the bottom of the Invisible Jet as she flies overhead?

Kidman's rep says the paparazzi are PhotoShopping Nicole's body to make it look like she has a spot where a baby would go. Can they photoshop some tan on her next time, please?

Here's a new feature on MSNBC, "The Perfect." I think my friend Prewitt would like it.

This article says Rosie's going to have a tough time on The View. Just like any heterosexual male, her knees will be trembling as she gazes at Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Recent purchases suggest Britney Spears is having a baby GIRL! (Insert your own incest joke here).

Jennifer Aniston is close to signing a deal with Nike. I don't get it, either.

First off, I went to bed at 7 last night and didn't get a chance to watch Celebrity Duets before the show.

I just got done watching it, and it is ridiculous. You have to watch this show just to get a look at Little Richard's stroke-out sessions. He's one of the judges.

Listen to these...

Little Rich 1 Little Rich 3 Little Rich 5
Little Rich 2 Little Rich 4 Little Rich 6

It looks like a guy was trying to kill himself and some woman by driving into the Kansas River near St. George (Between Manhattan and Wamego).

Unfortunately, the four-foot deep water wasn't enough to kill anyone.

We talked about ways to die.

Capricorn

You could be facing a budget crunch due to some overenthusiastic spending -- or some past generosity could be getting a karmic repayment. Your past finds you when you least expect it. This could go both ways, just like Anne Heche.

Gemini

It seems like some people are predestined to lose their cool, but you don't even break a sweat no matter how hectic the day becomes. Wow, Rush was right about painkillers.

Libra

It's easy to be defined by our problems -- and scary to let go of them. Just be glad you’re not aware that everyone else defines you by one word: bouncy.

Pisces

Recycling. A wonky door hinge. Saying 'I'm sorry.' It's so easy to let the little things accumulate, and before you know it, it feels like everything is falling apart, like Cher’s face. There goes her nose.

Stooks Proverb: The early bird gets the worm. The late bird gets EPT.

The Enquirer says Zach Braff asked Jessica Simpson to help reunite him with Mandy Moore. Unfortunately JESSICA SIMPSON HAS LOST HER ABILITY TO SPEAK!!!


Jessica Simpson's dating John Mayer. It looks legit. Check out how vampire-like John Mayer looked on The Today Show last week.


Sorry, ladies. Springsteen is not separating from his wife of 15 years. But, if you take one step to the left, Tom Arnold is separating from his third wife. At least he's famous, right?


Wow, here's something from The Enquirer that you wouldn't want to read about yourself first thing in the morning: Katie Holmes has been plagued with cold sores, which are caused by the herpes virus, since childhood. Stress can bring on an outbreak of the unsightly blisters.


OUCH! William H. Macy Slam! He's in a movie called Bobby. Lindsay Lohan is in it, too. I guess she has a problem showing up to shooting on time.

"There is not an apology big enough in the world to make 150 people scramble. It's inexcusable. It's nothing but disrespect. And Lindsay Lohan is not the only one. A lot of actors show up late as if they're Gods gift to the film and is inexcusable. They should have their asses kicked."

I got an invite to a couples' shower that I can't attend this weekend.

This "couples' shower" idea worries me.

Leo

Finding it difficult to get some time for yourself? You have to make it a priority on your own schedule -- fight for it if you have to. Spend some time daydreaming, doodling or stocking up on fake Burt Reynold’s moustaches.

Sagittarius

Inquire within when it comes to unresolved questions. Your highly attuned instincts can lead you to the right solutions if you're able to hear them. “Righty tighty, lefty loosey” doesn’t work for helping your dog relieve themselves.

Taurus

Listen to your inner wisdom when it comes to picking new associates for a project. Your dream team is well within realization. Who could possibly beat the team of Optimus Prime, Beach-Head and Skeletor?

Virgo

Keep focused on what's important. Larger influences are bringing your big picture into focus. It’s a spaceship!

Stooks Proverb: You only live once. But there are enough hours of Bob Saget archived footage to take up at least half that. Don’t even try to get into the Stamos collection.

I kinda want to see Andre Agassi play his last tennis matches. The US Open is on USA right now, so I thought I'd watch and see if he was on. Frightening stuff.

They were putting a tribute together for Billie Jean King (definitely not Michael's Lover). You could tell the announcers weren't really prepared for this kind of a ceremony at a tennis match.

Listen to this and imagine a bunch of kids running out on the field from one of the typical groups that get recognized at football and baseball games (think Cub Scouts/Brownies). They wave at the people in the crowd quite creepishly. But it's at a tennis match. Then, Diana Ross sang.


Anyone not see this coming? That creepy "I killed JonBenet" guy's DNA doesn't match the evidence. He gets to stay in the State's and travel to California to answer for some old child porn charges. There goes his 15 minutes.

"I'm still into kiddie porn! Is that worth nothing anymore?! I'm listening to
relaxing music!!!"

Dumped by Paramount, Tom Cruise is now getting funding from owner of the Washington Redskins. Both of those guys are weird.

Has anyone else noticed how lame Matthew Broderick is compared to when he was Ferris Bueller? What a phoney! He just broke his collarbone after falling off a pony (almost a poem).

Matthew Broderick's pony

Oh no she didn't! Meredith Vieira says The View has become a joke. The more she talks the hotter she becomes.

Casey Affleck is excited to get his first "heroic lead" in a movie. It's funny how only his own brother could make Ben Affleck look reasonable by comparison.

Jessica Simpson's new CD is out Tuesday. It's her FIFTH album. With very few hits, it's interesting to find out why she's so famous? Very good article on branding an artist.

Speaking of quesionable fame... Paris Hilton got rejected by Extras, an HBO show from Ricky Gervais, the creator of The Office. Ben Stiller, Sam Jackson and Kate Winslet have all had guest appearances on the HBO show. Paris asked to be in an episode, Ricky said "no."

Her response is classic: "I guess he's obviously scared of starring alongside an A-lister"

Here's some new Paris is a whore news: Cher's son says he hooked up with her years ago, and was so scared he caught something, he scrubbed himself with household cleaner.

Wow. I kinda saw this coming. On the night of The Emmys, Conan was in a bit at the beginning of the show that had him walk through the sets of some highly acclaimed shows. It starts with him on a plane crashing for Lost. Sadly, a crash in Kentucky killed 49 people just a couple hours before the show.

Will & Grace's Eric McCormack says he may never do a sitcom again. What will we do?

From today's K-State Collegian Classifieds: Help wanted with hog farm. Flexible hours.

This inspired us to hold a little "Bitch about your job Monday" session.

Aquarius

Someone has an agenda that they're not disguising too well. Rise to the challenge of dealing with them and their ulterior motives. Yours, of all the signs, can do it in a way that's caring, discreet and allows for an open casket.

Cancer

It's time to look at old habits and points of view that need a radical overhaul. Whatever needs a makeover in your life, you can get it fixed up and looking great with ease...except Joan Rivers’ face.

Scorpio

The more comfortable you are with a changing situation, the more likely it is that the outcome will be far more to your liking than if you try to force something absolute to happen. Learn to deal with the gray areas…especially if you’re color blind.

Aries

The situation is amusing from a distance, and the trick to maintaining your sanity is keeping it light. That means observing but resolutely refusing to be drawn into any drama. “Momma drama” is still allowed.

Stooks Proverb: There’s honor among thieves. There’s even honor from non-thieves if you’re thieving Enrique Iglesias’ mole.

Emmy Stuff!

Nice! 24 won Best Drama and Kiefer finally won Best Actor.

I think the "Best Miniseries" category exists only to get the likes of Gillian Anderson out of whatever hole she's been residing in. She didn't look bad, either. She also didn't win.

Check out this awkward exhange between Ryan Seacrest and Leah Remini (Stacey Carosi) on the Red Carpet at the Emmy's. Somehow she's friends with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus had the most panicked speech, for her random "best actress in a comedy" win for The New Adventures of Old Christine.

Here was one of the more clever speaches of the night. It's from a writer for My Name Is Earl. It all turns south when he tries to turn the "people I don't want to thank" bit into a serious thank you.

Here's the lamest speach of the night. It's from a writer or something from Elizabeth I.

One of the more frightening moments was from another Elizabeth I contributor. Helen Mirren won for actress in a miniseries. She was wearing a long dress and apparently awkward shoes.

"My great triumph is not falling ass-over-tit coming up those stairs."

Non-Emmy Stuff!

Kevin Federline scored a guest spot on CSI.

From USA Today:

Federline started filming this week in Los Angeles. He will play a menacing, arrogant teen who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) on a job.

It's always the arrogant teen roles than launch actors into stardom. Case-in-point: Corey Feldman.

Matt LeBlanc's getting sued for defamation.

Stephanie Stephens claims in a lawsuit that LeBlanc told an unspecified person last August that she was sexually aggressive, gave him a lap dance in a private room and engaged him in a "night of sexual debauchery ... at her place of employment."

I'm pretty sure she's not the first person to think a sexual link to Matt LeBlanc is not a good thing.

Rob Reiner wants Mel Gibson to apologize for The Passion of the Christ. He thinks Mel made the movie anti-Semitic on purpose! Also, too much reading.

Someone used Oprah's name in an investment scam. Oprah wasn't involved. Her alibi: she was in bed with Gayle...I mean Stedman.

Angelina Jolie had an awkward moment waiting outside a party. Her dad, Jon Voight, was at the party. They haven't talked in four years, when he said she needed mental help. Eventually, Brad went in the party himself, Jon left shortly after and Angelina was able to sneak in. Which pit do you think Brad made Jon smell until he left?

Paris Hilton has a good friend test: clothing.

"I'll pick out two outfits, one which is disgusting and one nice and I'll ask my 'friend' what they think. If they go for the revolting one, I cut them out of my life."

With a revolting outfit being defined as one that could get Paris laid by only five guys in a night.

George Clooney is chasing an older lady: Ellen Barkin from the upcoming Ocean's 13. He's 45. She's 51.

Jennifer Garner is showing signs of pregnancy, again. Ultrasounds show a child with a disgrace for a father.

60 acres of land burned around Neverland Ranch Friday. Luckily the Ranch, and the thousands of assorted DNA strands there weren't damaged.

Marky Mark's Invincible was number one this weekend. Snakes on a Plane fell to 6th place with just over $6 million.

This woman's just a little too infatuated with John Mayer.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and this guy doesn't know what to do.

Pooping in the woods.

Leaving the seat up.

Old Woman gives a farewall/Telling your wife you've got an STD.

Finally, a frightening exchange involving Cindy Crawford's mole in the Stooks Scoop.

Capricorn

It's so satisfying to check off the items on your 'to-do' list until you reach the end. Don’t try to skip over the item about borrowing your grandpa’s weed eater to clean out your mother’s back hair.

Gemini

A tiny opportunity to be kind can lead to something big. Help a senior citizen go grocery shopping. Pick up trash in a local park. Manually remove Reginald’s lazy eye. It’s creeping everyone out.

Libra

Are your finances in good shape? If so, keep up the good work. If not, then it's time to look at your budget and what you're buying. Do you really need that custom Slip ‘N’ Slide with Pamela Anderson’s chest painted down the middle.

Pisces

Your hobby becomes so absorbing that you look for even more ways to make it a part of your regular, workaday life. Unfortunately doing manicures on severed arms might get the law on your back.

Stooks Proverb: Love is blind. You see, someone gauged its eyes out for wife-coveting in biblical times.

The Hip Hop community hasn't had good things to say about Kevin Federline's performance at the Teen Choice Awards. K-Fed is happy with the job he did, though.

"I'm happy. I think I pulled it off pretty well. (But) I'm overly critical of myself. We went straight from there and jumped in the Ferrari and took off. (Britney) was happy, she was proud. My whole family and everybody was there."

Brit was probably happy to just get his face out of the Pringles can for a night.

Speaking of the Spears family, there's some controversy in Japan over a Harper's Bazzar advertisement. That magazine wanted to advertise for the issue below by blowing up the cover and putting it at subway stations in Tokyo.


At first, they weren't going to allow it. Then, they decided it didn't qualify as pornography since no one could possibly get turned on by it.

Britney news all over the place again. For some reason, Jessica Simpson approached Britney backstage at the Teen Choice Awards and asked if she could kiss her pregnant stomach. Just barely edging out Jessica Simpson in the intelligence department, Britney said "hell no!"


Nick Lachey is selling a whole bunch of Jessica stuff on eBay. He doesn't want it around the house when he's servicing his assortment of women.


Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan's feud continues. SpoofCard.com allows users to change how their information shows up on other people's Caller ID displays. It looks like this is how Paris hacked into Lindsay's voicemail.


If Scrubs gets renewed for another season, Zach Braff probably won't be on it. Just FYI.


Jerry Rice thinks that since he was on Dancing with the Stars, he should have his own reality show. The Underdog would be about Jerry Rice helping out various downtrodden people. Maybe he could start out with Dancing with the Stars victor Drew Lachey.


Star Magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's mom don't get along. Apparently his mom has a thing about putting your lips up on the couch.


Like finding out your favorite baseball player is on steroids, there's nothing worse than finding that your favorite model is a cheater. Cindy Crawford admits she's used Botox!

I was going through my cellphone last night and found four or five girls' numbers that I never bothered calling. Mostly it was because they were obtained during a state of intoxication that I would need to reach again to have the guts to actually use the number.

We talked about the problems with exchanging phone numbers. My goal was to come up with some guidelines for the ladies and the guys to follow. I didn't quite reach that goal.

Leo

Financial decisions are best put off until cooler heads can prevail. A big-ticket purchase isn't all it's cracked up to be, so wait before you put your money into Mark Mangino’s circulatory system.

Sagittarius

Usually you're the definition of acceptance, but some celestial influences might release your inner critic. But be gentle when you let your loved one know that their Carrot Top impersonation gets No Stashes. Clean Shaven.

Taurus

You can be a highly organized strategist when you need to be. You know just how to calculate the odds, especially when it's all for a good cause: The “Using George Hamilton’s Face to Make Catcher’s Mitts for the Homeless” Association.

Virgo

Financial matters take precedence right now. Reexamine your budget and see if there are even more ways to save. Once you start, you'll actually enjoy this kind of activity. Everyone else will think you’re lame, though.

Stooks Proverb: Keep your eye on the ball, unless you're next to Lance Armstrong in the restroom. That could get you a punch in the face.

Osama's former sex slave showed up on MSNBC today.

Here's a quick, creepy soundbyte.


I knew this was coming: the real reasons Tom Cruise isn't with Paramount anymore. Mostly, it's the fact that he made 20% of each film's gross that cost him. But still, bonus points for being creepy.


Survivor's latest gimmick? Dividing the teams by race. Black, White, Latino, and people who can stand Jeff Probst. In all seriousness, this is a really crappy way to get publicity.


Were there two Snakes in a Theater at a showing of Snakes on a Plane? A theater in Phoenix says it had two rattlesnakes. My BS meter says "BS" (what else?).


Superman star Brandon Routh is engaged. Anybody else think he won't be in any other movies besides Superman sequels? I knew I wanted Nicholas Cage in that movie for a reason.


A new Adam Sandler movie is getting a pretty good cast. Dan Aykroyd and Steve Buscemi (try spelling those names five times fast) will help make I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry one of the ugliest movies ever. Interesting premise, though. It's about two firefighters who pretend to be gay to get their departments domestic-partner benefits.


Katharine McPhee, who I didn't know was a bulemic for five years, says she isn't counting calories on the current American Idol tour. I wouldn't either if I was picking corn out of the wrong side of my teeth.


Chris always criticizes me for using material from The Enquirer. But a legitimate news source is now naming the four cast members who will leave SNL: Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, with lesser for-suredness on Darrell Hammond. Congratulations to KC native Jason Sudeikis, who's rumored to take over Weekend Update.


Here's an interesting article that finds Venezuela is to Britney Spears what Germany is to David Hasselhoff: a place where people who've thrown their careers away can still make money.

Speaking of Brit & Co...her dad was seen dressing a la Federline.

Even more Brit news: Justin Timberlake's mom still thinks she's a good girl.


Paris Hilton, who's sworn off sex for a year, has a guy living with her. It's actually the guy who called Lindsay Lohan a "firecrotch" before he himself went into rehab. At least Paris isn't changing her standards.

It's nice to be back in the studio after a couple days on campus.

We missed our callers and air conditioning.

When I got back home after our broadcast yesterday, one of those door-to-door magazine salesmen who's pitch starts with "can I get your vote" came to my door. He had some severe "meth mouth" working, too.

Aquarius

All eyes are on you thanks to your charisma. The fact that you have a Lion’s Den accessory attached to your forward might be part of the reason, too.

Cancer

Your instincts will lead you to some great victories right now, so get involved in any competitions now. Whether it's a three-legged race, a surprise deadline at work, or a game of “throw the rock at the circus clown,” you’re in it to win.

Scorpio

The universe is responsive when you identify your genuine desires. The universe is kinky like that.

Aries

Bring your highest nature into all your day-to-day decisions. What you think of as mundane, earthly matters actually resonate on many, many different levels, including that unholy thing you do in the bathroom when no one’s around. No one should wash their hands that long.

Stooks Proverb: You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs. You can make it without breaking hobo skulls, so stop using that as an excuse.

Paramount Pictures has dumped Tom Cruise's production company. They say it's due to his off-screen behavior. No one puts their feet on Oprah's couch, and that includes Tom Cruise.


Paris Hilton: "I haven't accepted money from my parents since I was 18. I worked my ass off. I've done it all on my own." With all those encouraging "yeah girl, work that ass" comments, it's not wonder.


I just found out Kathy Griffin has been nominated in the outstanding reality program category for her show "My life on the D List." That's all. I just feel the need to share every piece of Kathy Griffin news I come across.


The Enquirer says Dr. McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) from Grey's Anatomy threw a hissy fit on the set the other day. He's threatened to leave the show. They think he might want more money. If they kill him off, they better have another "bomb inside a person" storyline to do the trick. And then George needs to get laid.


Also in The Enquirer: SNL is going to fire four cast members. You probably have never heard of any of them. It could be anybody!


Diddy and his girlfriend are expecting their second child together. That makes three for Diddy. I mean, one for Puffy, one for P. Diddy and one for Diddy.


There are more hints that Zach Braff will star in Fletch Won. He won't confirm it yet. I wouldn't want to be responsible for Chevy Chase doing another line off a strip club toilet, either.


Jimmy Kimmel will be the host of the new game show, Set for Life on ABC. He will most likely be squinting the entire show.

The Sasquatch returns in "Sasquatch Back to School II."

Sick of listening to your professor or boss?

Then you need the Bose Ear Buds.

Capricorn
When you're around the right people, you can make faster progress than you'd think possible. Meth dealers just seem to have that effect on you.

Gemini
One of your most valuable skills is your ability to learn on the fly. You may see yourself as scrambling to catch up, but that's far from the truth. You're way ahead of the curve when it comes to new developments. But you're behind the curve when it comes to the Slap Bracelet. And that's not the limb you're supposed to wrap it around.

Libra
There's nothing you love more than a new territory. It's especially exciting when you're able to throw the natives off it yourself.

Pisces
Your blazing enthusiasm can light up a room. Especially when you're blazing with gasoline close by.

Stooks Proverb: Every man for himself. There's only so much of Star Jones to go around these days.

Osama bin Laden is a big Whitney Houston fan. Follow that link and prepare for one of the weirdest stories ever. Apparently one of his former sex slaves has written an autobiography. She's from America. So Osama kept asking her if she personally knew Whitney. She told him "no." He went on to explain that he wanted to marry her and have Bobby Brown killed.

Leo
Crowds are definitely not doing it for you right now. You need solitude to contemplate some changes that you have to make. You also need solitude when singing your favorite “New Kids on the Block” tunes. Especially since your singing talents are only slightly better than Donnie Walberg's.

Sagittarius
Someone's picking up on the unconscious distress signals you've been sending. They want to reach out to you, so confide your feelings instead of brushing them off. Or express your feelings with a swift kick to their groin. You'll feel much better.

Taurus
Someone craves your attention, but you're not in a space where you can give it without feeling drained. If anyone knows how to turn this negative into a positive, it's you. You can find a way out, and it's name is chloroform.

Virgo
You know that putting off the inevitable almost always leads to anxiety. In fact, when does procrastinating ever lead to something good? No, the time when you procrastinated on that plot against your high school gym teacher who ended up being mauled by a koala before you could execute the deed doesn't count as procrastinating paying off.

Stooks Proverb: Great minds think alike. Bad minds think like the entire cast of Saved By The Bell: The College Years.

Here's a fun little diddy we did, called "Sasquatch Back To School."

"I think the dead people you're seeing might be a result of that laced squeef your smoking."

Britney Spears wants her old body back. So do we. And could whoever has her old brain bring that back, too?

Some paparazzi yelled at Nicole Richie, "Nicole, you look disgusting. Gain some f***ing weight!" She wasn't upset because she's anorexic. She's upset because what if she was anorexic...that wouldn't be cool.

Busta Rhymes has been arrested for assault. Good for him. He's got to keep that street cred up for a possible Shaft 2 role.

Speaking of street cred, Usher is going Broadway this week, taking a role in Chicago.

Barry Manilow is having problems recovering from a hip injury. Too much cavorting with the ladies, if you ask me.

Manilow's gaze: crack for the soul

Marion Jones has tested positive for a banned substance. What is happening to America's sports institutions? First cycling, now track and field. What's next? Canasta?

The Beckhams are coming out with two new fragrances. They are called "intimately Beckham" "for her" and "for him." Victoria's will no doubt smell similar to Chanel. David's similar to Duck Butter (Urban Dictionary link warning: offensive).

The Enquirer says Courtney Cox and David Arquette are having problems. If anything happens to that marriage, every guy's hopes and dreams of scoring a girl way out of their league takes a little step back.

Donald Trump, Ben Affleck, Billy Ray Cyrus, Jon Cryer and other celebrities have helped raise more than $2.8 million for the Jimmy Fund. At the photo op, a reporter screamed "Move out of the way Affleck! You're blocking our shot of Billy Ray!"

Millions of people will be disappointed today after seeing Snakes on a Plane.

Far less will be disappointed by...

Snake on a Phone.

Snakes on a Plane influenced "Free for All Friday," as well.

This guy isn't happy about it at all.



Other Free For All Friday Highlights...

This girl's roommate popped a squat.

This guy explains why he has the hots for Owen Wilson.

Back to School Tips 2006.

Aquarius

You have an unwavering commitment to improving this world. It's not a corny or impractical sentiment at all, but a fascinating puzzle. You've got innovative ideas on how to improve things for everyone here: wear a Richard Nixon mask.

Cancer

Regularly schedule time to appreciate all the joys in your life from the small (chocolate-covered almonds!) to the great (old-people watching).

Scorpio

Make a real effort to get away from it all. Find a few moments to give yourself some TLC. That Waterfalls song is sooo sublime.

Aries

You're not a little kid -- it's not like your friends get you in trouble. However, it's undeniable that someone has a good influence on you: Grover. For your own good, maybe you should spend more time with him.

Stooks Proverb: Always look out for number one. And number two...especially if it’s Mark Mangino’s.

"And an awkward wave to you too, Mr. Timberlake."

So, Britney Spears says her current pregnancy was kind of accidental.

We talked about how, in the future, her kid will be pleased to stumble upon that tidbit, as well as her "time travel" session with Kevin Federline (scroll down a couple posts to watch that video).

This got us talking about some of the things you know about your parents, but wish you hadn't.

Capricorn

Figure out if there's a purpose to a debate before you get started. It's tempting to get involved in a battle of the wits, but be careful: That repartee could quickly descend to the level of 'Did not!,' 'Did too! Did not! Did too! (shotgun blast)’

Gemini

It's time to share what you know. With your charm, you can also persuade other, less forthcoming types to be equally generous with some much-needed information. Unfortunately your charm isn’t quite enough to avoid having to pay for, you know…services.

Libra

Your ability to negotiate everyone's needs along with your own makes you the ideal go-between. You're the acme of courtesy. Too bad you’re also the acne on a butt.

Pisces

Some flaky types in your workplace are infectious. You, however, can ward them off by inoculating yourself with a large dose of organization, or a rubber.

Stooks Proverb: It’s never too late to learn, unless you’re Wilford Brimley trying to learn the proper way to say “diabetes.”

Wow, they found the guy who probably killed JonBenet Ramsey. I guess we owe her parents an apology.


Johnny Depp is doing another movie with Tim Burton. How come no one has questioned that relationship yet?


Drew Barrymore wants to settle down and have a kid. Her boyfriend's name is Fabrizio Moretti, formerly the (dead?) member of Milli Vanilli. Actually, he's the drummer for the Strokes.


Courtney Cox has a new show called "Dirt," coming to FX in early 2007. They just announced Rick Fox will play a (gasp) basketball player. Now, when will they get Vlade Divac on TV?

"Weren't you in The Professional?"

Usually, you can count on FX to put out good TV shows. Apparently sick of that trend, they're now working with J Lo. She's also doing a show with MTV.

While trying to figure out the name of the movie with the guy who looks like Vlade, I found out Natalie Portman is rumored to be in Indiana Jones 4. Maybe she can ruin that series like she did Star Wars.

Another day, another Snakes on a Plane news story. I don't care what anyone says, this movie is going to be huge.

Brace yourself for a shocker. Britney says her current pregnancy wasn't planned. I'm sure the kid will appreciate reading that 10 years from now. By the way, for all the crap people give her, Sean Preston is easily the least messed up kid's name from any celebrity in the past decade.

Bill Murray's always an enjoyable interview. Dropping a Jay-Z reference might be the highlight of his latest.

Gwyneth Paltrow is returning to acting. Apparently she took some time off. Thank god, there haven't been enough movies recently with pleasant looking women who look sad.

Paris Hilton urges you to look past stereotypes: just because she's a whore doesn't mean she can't sing.

From the Enquirer...

Mel's not in rehab! He's at home!

Kelly Clarkson likes to get drunk and play the air guitar.

Lance Bass' friends don't mind he's gay, but they don't approve of his boyfriend. Apparently when Lance has the guys over, his boyfriend can't make a cheese dip to save his life.

K-State's Tyler Hughes was thrown off the basketball team for being a registered sex offender, or maybe for what he did to become one.

Either way, we went to the Kansas registered sex offenders site yesterday.

We were sucked in by the pure hilarity of the photos. I would put one of them up here, but I've been warned for more personal safety. Go for yourself and enjoy.

Either way, Chris was running tape during our viewing.

Here's our reactions to the different photos.

Leo
You have the imagination and insight to see fresh angles on lifelong friends. Why not share your knowledge with them? Rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, paper beats rock, and corn doesn’t digest.

Sagittarius
Your career success accelerates just as the situation in your personal life gets deep. This might cause you some stress, along with glee as you mercilessly sacrifice five gerbils.

Taurus
You're at the center of all the hustle and bustle in your increasingly busy routine. It may start to feel like just that -- routine -- but what other way do you know of to smuggle Benadryl across the border.

Virgo
You're capable of far more than you know. Music, sculpture, dance -- these and other artistic topics inspire you. They also inspire other people to make fun of you behind your back. But they never liked you anyway.

Stooks Proverb: Seeing is believing. That’s why Helen Keller is so skeptical of everything.

Instead of hastily putting together what I can find for the Stooks Scoop three minutes before it goes on the air, I've decided to work on it a day in advance and put what I find here. Don't worry, any late-breaking stories about Rosie sitting on it will still make the show.


Good lord, you have got to watch the Britney Spears video below. Or, at least read this for some of the highlights.. Here's one little nugget for you:

"Have you ever seen 'Back to the Future?'" she asks Federline.

"Is that possible, to time travel? ... Yes, it is, Kevin," she says. "I think people can do that."

"Well, maybe. But they would never tell the world," the enlightened Federline responds.

Britney's whore friend Madonna could go to jail in Germany if she does he "shocking" on-stage crucifixion this weekend.

If it were 1989, someone in this country, with the exception of San Fran, might care.


In other "who gives a" news, Kate Hudson is getting a divorce.


Oh, no! A third Ace Ventura movie. And no Jim Carrey. Hey, it worked for Dumb and Dumberer. It'll be about Ace's son. I apologize in advance.


It looks like there could be an X-Men 4, in addition to Wolverine and Young Magneto.

They haven't signed Hugh Jackman or Halle Berry. Hopefully the next one doesn't blow as hard as the last one.


Having a kid has changed Ben Affleck's life. Less time for crappy movie-making.


Laguna Beach is coming back. Wednesday (8/16) at 9:00. I'll miss LC. Only because that is the best initial name I've ever heard of.


Did Dane Cook knock up Jessica Simpson? Warning: from The Enquirer.

At least one of my friends on MySpace is the "that guy" who flaunts how ripped he is by having shirtless photos all over the place.

So, we discussed the "Dude who needs to be shirtless all the time."

Aquarius

When your dad calls with another set of instructions about how to change an oil filter, the temptation to roll your eyes is irresistible. Listen attentively and you may just learn something about your family…specifically, about your family’s questionable past in the organized car parts theft crime syndicate.

Cancer

Learn to shake off any little setbacks. Mistakes help you grow for the future. Your high standards have gotten you where you are today: sad, alone, and cynical toward every episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos: Tom Bergeron Edition. You’re still cool with the Saget version.

Scorpio

Do something new. Eat somewhere different for lunch. Try a gyro -- a nice change from the usual burrito! Go a different way to the office break room. Who knew that there was a cute new hire in IT? Use the opposite sex’s bathroom’s sink to do your business. You get the idea.

Aries

Some friends bring out the very best in you. Other friends consistently leave you feeling like you've been run over by an SUV. Hmm -- maybe it's time to reconsider the relationships that fall in the latter category. Then, buy a knife.

Stooks Proverb: Every dog has his day. It’s definitely not the one where (“snip snip” sound effect). That’s Andy Dick’s day…for sifting through the garbage outside the vet’s office.

Did you hear? Mario Lopez and Jerry Springer are going to be on Dancing with the Stars.

"Ouch, I shouldn't have nailed that tranny...it burns."

No caption, just a quick note on Mario Lopez: I believe his Speedo says "Air Mail." Any ideas what that might mean across someone's groin? I only have one...and it's not pretty.

If you haven't heard, BOTH Elimidate AND Blind Date are going off the air.

Roger Lodge, along with his assortment of V-necks and turtlenecks got me through my first couple years of college.

Elimidate renewed my faith in the genre, before a quick rendezvous with Cheaters ended my relationship with dating shows completely.

Goodbye Elimidate and Blind Date...we hardly knew ye.

Now, that's a man who knows how to show off his neck!

Capricorn

Accomplishing things is the name of the game, and you pack double your usual powerful punch, especially when it comes to money matters. Too bad Monopoly money doesn’t count in the real world.

Gemini

You can't go around giving affection always expecting to get it back. The love you make is equal to the love you take, but it doesn't always come back at your from the same source. Sometimes you switch it up and use your left hand.

Libra

Your pleasure in earthly delights is heightened during this cycle of sensual energy. Sink your toes in the grass, get to the beach, or bury your face in Louie Anderson’s stomach and go (motor boating sound effect).

Pisces

Call up your favorite person. He or she can make a trip to the dump a party...especially with their nose for used hypodermic needles.

Stooks Proverb: Easier said than done. Like looking at Bruce Vilanch without a beard.

"Mickelson Boob" is the John Stossel Pick of the Week.

Basically, it's a guy with boobs, who chooses to wear a form-fitting polo with no undershirt.

Here are the results, from the original "Mickelson Boob."



In other show activity...

I continue to struggle with my shower. I call the shower and try to work things out.

Free for All Friday

Leo
Are you eating because you're hungry, or are you noshing because it's a good way to distract yourself from what's really going on? Food should be appreciated, but it shouldn't be used as a way to avoid emotions. And when Mark Mangino and Louie Anderson get emotional in the same room, may God help anyone who stands in the way.

Sagittarius
Some people think you're only about fun and games, but they simply don't realize that all your clowning has a much higher purpose: a big, Kelly Kapowski-sized zit on your nose.

Taurus
You're more sensitive than usual right now, so keep to yourself. Reread an old favorite story, try to write something yourself, or poison the neighbor’s gerbils. So much for Fred getting pleasured this weekend.

Virgo
Deal with an old emotional wound. Write it down. Talk to a friend. Afterward, find some physical way of releasing it. Suggestion: punch Brian Dennehy.

Stooks Proverb: Lucky in cards, unlucky in love. That’s why they have those cards with the dirty pictures on them.

A perp, with his hands cuffed, managed to bite a Riley County Police Officer on the thigh, and break skin.

This prompted a frank discussion on bites.

"Cheer: getting blood stains out of teeth since 1951."

In other show activity...

"Words" with Chris Casey.

Stooks fights with his shower.

Chuck Knoblauch Tips 2006.

"Quick! Someone call the feds! Kaczynski's innocent! It was Knobby all along!"

Aquarius
How do you always end up in the middle of a drama when you haven't auditioned for the role? No, Mangino, not that type of “roll” (screams).

Cancer
Your ego gets a much-needed boost when you perform well at something you love. Too bad shooting pens out of your belly button isn’t a paying gig.

Scorpio
You need a sense of connection to something larger than the material world. Consult the hippie camping out in Chipotle alley. She knows.

Aries
A personal struggle that has plagued you for far too long is about to come to a happy conclusion. Pack up those troubles and smile, smile, smile. You’ve got some spinach right there. No, not there. Here, I’m a mirror. Right here. Yeah. No, you didn’t get it. No, still there. Nope. Here, take my keys. There you go.

Stooks Proverb: Too many cooks spoil the broth. Too many Federlines is one.

I just read Robin Williams is going into rehab.

Here's what I think about Robin Williams: he's pretty talented, but also happens to be one of the most annoying people on Earth. When he gets sober, he'll...happen to be one of the most annoying people on Earth.

Any guesses on which race or religion he despises?

Robin's most stomachable performance

Capricorn
An on-the-job big shot may not be quite the authority figure you were hoping for. Don't stamp your feet and air your grievances. Plot your revenge behind closed doors. Before you know it, your boss will be picking maggots and whipped cream out of their hair.

Gemini
A fancy social event makes you somewhat uncomfortable. Be true to your nature and help someone else have a good time. Just make sure they quadruple bag it if you run into Paris Hilton.

Libra
It's a great time to finish up old projects or get some closure regarding certain long-standing issues. Put off initiating discussions or trying to get a new project off the ground. Concentrate on tying up loose ends. Remember, “Make two bunny ears. The bunny runs around the tree. The bunny jumps in a hole. Close it up tight!”

Pisces
You have very firm ideas about how to do things, and they may not conform with what people think of as the norm. You know that the correct way doesn't always mean the accepted way. Keep up the good work. Julio will clean up the mess you made in the urinal.

Stooks Proverb: Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Gift horses are notorious for bad dental hygiene.

We talked about how E-Mail is inappropriate for some things.

I got a pair of interesting emails...six months apart.

Leo

With great poetry, one line can mean one thing when viewed in a certain light, and something entirely different when it's read again. Think of your life as an epic poem in progress, with various possible interpretations, although most of them relate to sorting through various refuse.

Sagittarius

You stand apart from the pack in your ability to think about others. It's one of your most developed qualities. Unfortunately, thinking about others in scenarios where they are run over, bludgeoned or harpooned to death isn’t a very nice thing to do.

Taurus

You're feeling a little off-center, but delightfully so. This point of view gives you a unique take on events and a fresh charge to your sense of humor. When other people are down in the dumps, you know just what to say: “nah nah nah nah boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.”

Virgo

Everyone needs to compromise. Keep things moving forward by retaining an open mind. But make sure no dirt gets in there.

Stooks Proverb: Look before you leap. If there’s a trampoline or Louie Anderson below, you should have enough cushioning. Although you might get stuck in one of Louie’s rolls and struggle to escape.

My friend Kevin posted a blog on his MySpace about a coworker who tries to suck everyone into his spousal problems.

We talked about coworkers who take too many liberties with their work "friends" when talking about their personal issues.

Aquarius

Gritting your teeth isn't necessary. Someone really is in charge here. You'll just have to deal with the fact that it's not you (even though you'd do a bang-up job). Be patient. Your turn will get here very soon, and you’ll be able to put the quarter in the K-Mart pony on your very own.

Cancer

Professional help is key when it comes to getting your finances in order. Once you’ve hired someone, you’ll find Henry coughs up the $1.25 he owes you for that Country Time Lemonade pretty quickly.

Scorpio

Put aside the routine chores for now. Some extraordinary opportunities are yours to be had if you're ready. That’ll teach everybody for making fun of you for buying the deluxe package of Urine Gone from TV.

Aries

You're awfully cute, but it's time to let people know that you're much more than just a pretty face. Go ahead and pull out your dentures in front of everyone, and clean them in the office water cooler.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Unless it’s that there’s a food shortage and Louie Anderson is in town…and hungry…for human flesh.

Free for All Friday was full of people seeking my advice on relationships.

Mistake.

But we gave it a shot.

Capricorn

Relationships with others are highlighted and can be easier now. You're on display and drawing plenty of admirers. Not everyone has a mole on their lower back that resembles Dennis Leary.

Gemini

Sacred spaces are necessary for individuals -- and for all of humanity. See what you can do about resuscitating a neglected area in your neighborhood, whether it's a park, a place of worship, or the stairs where Tereza the Lady of the Street puts her business on display.

Libra

Larger forces are at work in your life. It's tough to place your trust in the spiritual when you crave the tangible. It’s tough to be Mark Mangino when you crave everything on the menu and the wait staff can’t keep up.

Pisces

How can you help others? This question has been on your mind more often than usual. Take your current involvement up a notch, or look for brand-new ways to bring aid to those who need it. Or, a good start might be to just stop giving arcade tokens to the homeless as a joke.

Stooks Proverb: It takes two to tango. Three to make a low budget movie for the Lion’s Den.

Even thought tonight's episode wasn't that good, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is easily the best comedy on TV.

It's on FX, Thursday nights at 9.

I just noticed that when they flash the production company logo up at the end of the show, there's some weird audio playing.

Listen here.

It sounded like reversed audio, so I thought I'd flip it around.

Here's the audio flipped.

I'm confused.

I haven't even come close to putting my new apartment in order.

I'm trying to throw a bunch of stuff out that I never use.

But with such disarray around the house, I've been forced to go commando for the second straight day.

We discussed the various positives and negatives of this practice.




In other show activity...

The High Lady and Friends on facial hair. They called at the end of the show yesterday but we couldn't squeeze them in. Classic High Lady.

The Subliminizer 5000. We suspect both Mel Gibson and Rosie O'Donnell of trying to send subliminal messages. The Subliminizer 5000 decodes what they are saying.

The Stoner on the X Games starting today.

Leo

A combination of intuition, imagination and knowledge lead to wisdom. You know more than you think. You just need to tap into all your resources, not just the ones you want to publicly acknowledge. Yes, it’s time to reveal that you were a 1996 World Series of Hopscotch finalist.

Sagittarius

It's important to trust yourself. Do you listen to your instincts? Do you acknowledge your feelings, or do you dismiss them? Most importantly, do you act on them and yell out loud at the Soap Opera’s Digest in the grocery checkout line for the direction of Marlena’s storyline on Day’s of Our Lives?

Taurus

It's time to start a revolution in your life. Chair Spinning Olympics!

Virgo

You've tackled many a job because you're the only person who'll make sure that it's done correctly. Not everyone’s willing to dive head first into the Johnny on the Spot to make sure it’s clean. Or store the waste in their Taurus during 100-degree heat.

Stooks Proverb: Beggars can’t be choosers. But they can be smelly.

Didn't realize my beard would cause such a ruckus. Click the picture for a bigger view.

I shaved the beard last night.

My A/C's been struggling to keep up with the heat, and I needed as much relief as I could get my hands on. Plus, I needed a reason to stay in the cold shower a little longer.

For some reason, I remembered my sister-in-law's parents had a friend who said, "there's an article that says women don't like facial hair on men," right to my bearded face.

We discussed the attractiveness of facial hair.

Aquarius

You're an excellent puzzle solver, but for this one, you may need to call in some outside help. When it comes to emotional matters, the best medicine you could hope for is an empathetic friend...or your pathetic friend Petey, the guy who bathes in the bathroom at work. You’ll feel better just knowing that’s not your life.

Cancer

Unintended consequences are actually very much to your liking at this moment. It just goes to show you what happens when you take your hands off the control and let the cosmos work its magic. But odds are against the cosmos being able to hold it’s breath worth a damn.

Scorpio

Give yourself some peace by tuning out the chaos. Take a break from any drama that's going on. Don't wade into the fray. You're persuasive and magnetic, but the situation is more combustible than you know. It’s just like lighting a match near Mel Gibson on a Friday night.

Aries

Trying to make everyone happy doesn't work, so stop stringing someone along like a cheap kite. Unless it’s that sweet My Little Pony kite you keep hidden under your bed.

Stooks Proverb: You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Don’t worry; I detangled the hair back there so this time your fingers won’t get stuck. Much more flowing this time.

Congratulations to Mel Gibson on having the most un-mug-shot looking mug shot of all time.

InTouch Weekly got their hands on some photos of Mel partying earlier in the night.

I moved across the hall last night, and it spells like urine in there.

The air conditioner hasn't been on in forever so it's 1000 degrees in there.

Not the best night of sleep I've ever had.

To make me, and everyone else who moves into a place in need of a little work, we had callers share their cesspool stories.

Capricorn

Voice your real needs and they'll be met in one way or another. Be honest and forthright about what you've kept concealed for far too long. Yup, just like a Ken Doll.

Gemini

Your intuition is the most powerful tool at your disposal, but you need to use it to keep it sharp. Meditation, yoga and long walks are all great ways to make sure your inner voice comes through loud and clear. Unfortunately, your inner voice speaks Wookie. Get Han to translate.

Libra

A loved one ruminates on the patterns in their personal life, and this gives you some unexpected but welcome insight into your own. Now make sure you've really intuited this wisdom before you take action. No, “intuited” not “inTootieted.” Mrs. Garrett already has her hands full.

Pisces

Why waste time arguing about whose way is the right way? Use the scientific method -- try both options and see which one brings about the best results. Yes, Velveeta is better at both making a cheese dip and at making a bottom dip.

Stooks Proverb: Love makes the world go round. Gravity schmavity.