We talked about one of the most divisive issues facing America: the moped.

Segment 1 - Harley Envy (1:55).
Segment 2 - Moped driver...and proud of it (1:37)
Segment 3 - Salina's "Old People on Mopeds" problem (2:09).

Capricorn

You shoot from the hip and speak from the heart, but it may be time to suspend talks, as the person you're talking to speaks from the gastrointestinal tract.

Gemini

Evaluate your surroundings. Are you where you're supposed to be? Okay, but you’ve been lurking around the bras in Walmart for 40 minutes now. It might be time to move on.

Libra

The familiar becomes a restriction if you grow fearful of change. It's time to explore different directions. It's time to grow and adapt, which means you need to let go of what you want to retain: that Chipotle you had three days ago. Just let the pintos fly.

Pisces

Out of all the signs, you're one of the most compassionate and intuitive. However, your generosity can sometimes turn into unnecessary self-sacrifice. Besides, saying your sacrificing your liver to the gods is not an excuse for your alcoholism.

Stooks Proverb: Ninety percent of inspiration is perspiration. And when you perspire as much as Mark Mangino, you’re bound to get a head coach position.

Mel Gibson is speaking out against the war in Iraq. Not enough Jews being inconvenienced.



It's official: there will be a Federline-Britney duet, "Crazy," on Kevin's new CD. The CD, out on Halloween, is called "Playing with Fire." I'm still praying for Paris Hilton to write an autobiographical song: "Peeing with Fire." Wow, that's a pretty cheap way to slam Paris Hilton without having a story about her.


Oh yeah, Paris Hilton's in Germany for Oktoberfest. You don't suppose her clothes will accidentally fall off after beer fell in her throat when she wasn't paying attention, do you?


David Hasselhoff wants to be in the movie version of Knight Rider. I don't think they should have him in the lead role. But I do think they should let him reprise his role as Garth, the man used as a model to reconstruct Michael Knight's face, who felt his own father made Michael Knight as a replacement for him (Garth is evil), so he vowed to destroy Michael Knight with "Goliath," a semi made out of the same material as KITT, Michael's talking car.

Pretty odd topic today.

10:30 Friday night, Chris' dad received a message from some guy who goes on to sing for a minute and a half to "Lisa." He even drops the phrase "I want you to be me wife."

We discussed whether Chris' dad needs to call the dude back and tell him his name, and other features, indicate he's not "Lisa."

Segment 1 - "The Song" (4:26).
Segment 2 - "American Idol" tryout? (3:43)
Segment 3 - "Learn to dial a phone" (3:13).
Segment 4 - "Send a text message (3:44).
Segment 5 - "Leave a song for Lisa after the beep" (5:14).

Leo

You've got someone under your skin -- and frankly, it's pretty irritating. Having a full grown person protruding as a goiter out of the side of your neck can be quite uncomfortable.

Sagittarius

Being irresistible isn't exactly a foreign concept for you, but the stars give your magnetism extra heft these days. People fall under your spell as if hypnotized. But it's likely due to the chemical reactions of the brain when exposed to your B.O.

Taurus

Ouch! Is that crick in your neck from you feeling like the whole world is resting on your shoulders? Oh, my bad. I didn’t see that you were giving Louie Anderson a piggyback ride.

Virgo

It takes less energy to tackle the task you've been dreading than it does to bob and weave to avoid it. In fact, once you walk right up to this fearsome monster, you'll see that it's not so bad after all. No tool is more valuable than a good plunger.

Stooks Proverb: Blood is thicker than water. Not as thick as gravy, though. That’s the only thing keeping Mark Mangino from putting it on his mashed potatoes.

Rumors are back that Julia Roberts will try to have twins again soon. The best thing about it? It gives us an opportunity to show you Chris' Julia Roberts impersonation:



Mel Gibson wore a mask and wig so reporters wouldn't see him arrive to a screening of his new movie, Apocalypto. Can you say "Rabbi Costume?"


Nip/Tuck is easily the most disturbing show on TV. It just got worse. Rosie O'Donnell is doing a sex scene during the October 3 episode. Gross.

This caller hates "Game Day" traffic (2:37).

Cheap gas and broken feet (4:58).

Teen drivers, bad gay guy impression, the High Lady on the Japanese getting back at us for dropping the bomb (5:11).

"I have to have video games so I don't blow up real people" and "Ladies keeping their 'junk' to themselves" (3:00).

"Guys are sluts, too" (3:49).

"Call them while you're doing the dirty" (2:39).

Aquarius

You know that saying about spending money to make money? You’ll soon find an opportunity to bring in more cash, though expenses will increase. Although, it doesn’t cost much to get a homeless guy to hand out your “Three weeks to better body hair grooming” guide.

Cancer

It may be time to reset your course. Give yourself some time and space to examine recent events in your life. Punching that granny in the teeth for stealing your place in line might come back to haunt you. Kicking her while she was convulsing on the floor may have been the tipping point.

Scorpio

It's a great time to make amends with a buddy. Some warm and fuzzy influences ensure that you two can patch things up. Kitten calendars get you both misty every time.

Aries

Just because someone else is in a panic doesn't mean you have to go into a tailspin, too. Disregard if you have some kind of “Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers” type of scheme in mind.

Stooks Proverb: A penny saved is a penny earned, that you can then use as slingshot ammo for your enemies.

Michael Jackson wants to open a Leprechaun theme park in Ireland. Once he fools someone into giving him money, I'm sure that will be quite the creepy adventure.


Five Star Vintage clothing has re-signed Kevin Federline to be the "Face of Five Star!" Isn't that a little shocking? They chose him because of his "renegade style."

This "Dear Abby" inspired us to talk about the Dirty Old Man.

Segment 1 - Sex at the nursing home (2:26).

Segment 2 - We're not too old to "boff" (2:16).

Segment 3 - Old man teeth (4:03).

Segment 4 - Old man at the bar shows off his gums (2:28).

"Feel like vomiting in shame and disgust later?"

In other show activity...

A guy who's happy about an E-Mail (2:36).

Capricorn

Stop fretting -- that news you've been waiting for is on the way, and it's spectacular: that kid from the zoom, zoom commercial has been abducted by a Michael Jackson associate.

Gemini

The universe has a funny way of delivering gifts in the most unexpected wrapping paper: a flaming brown paper bag. And the gift is some kind of fecal. How confusing!

Libra

Your friends will understand that you need to go underground for a while. Just give them plenty of warning and slowly explain your plains to become King of the Sewer People.

Pisces

The stars say you should act now, or this little spate of boredom could become a regularly scheduled part of your programming. Bring back Billy Mays, already.

Stooks Proverb: Where there’s a will, there’s a way, unless Will’s last name is Baldwin.

Mel Brooks co-wrote the pilot and will provide two of the voices for Spaceballs: The Animated Series. Sadly, it's only going to be on the G4 network. WTF?


George Lucas is giving $175 million to the USC film school. Luckily, George just happened to have exactly $175 million cash stored in the second chin fold below his beard line.

Studio 60 debuted Monday night. Good show. I highly recommend. However, the show fell back on a Kansas joke implying we're a state full of hicks and dumbasses.

We asked "Why does Hollywood hate Kansas so much?"

Segment 1 - "I'm from Cali. Blah, blah, blah." (5:01)

Segment 2 - Kirstie and Don Johnson are responsible (3:28)

Segment 3 - "What about Montana?" (5:13)

Segment 4 - It's all because the Wizard of Oz! (3:23)

Segment 5 - "I like Kansas, yes I do!" (4:04)

"I haven't seen one tornado yet. This is horse crap."

Here's a fun break about rainbows (1:20).

The New Tickle Me Elmo: Pedophile edition (2:48).

This guy isn't buying one more Tickle Me Elmo (2:00).

Leo

Think about how your actions affect you and others, from small gestures to large ones. It’s time to move beyond middle finger to something more along the lines of flaming bag of dog doo.

Sagittarius

A winning attitude can go a long way toward ensuring a degree of success, especially when it comes to new ventures. Think pink, be positive, strike up the band. Did I say “think pink?” I meant to say “Think of some badass color.” Maybe magenta.

Taurus

Is someone being extremely unreasonable in their demands? It's time to stand up for your rights. You pee with the door open, and nothing anyone says will ever change that!!!

Virgo

Take your work, but not yourself, seriously. It'll help you focus and keep your loyal supporters working hard. You need all of your keen perceptions and dedicated allies to face the next big project coming down the pike: water repellant underwear.

Stooks Proverb: Silence is golden. No gold if you’re a mute, though. Okay? OKAY?!!!

Lindsay Lohan may be moving to England. That seems about right to me.


Lohan's ex, Aaron Carter, just got engaged to a Playboy Playmate. If you didn't know, Aaron's been blamed for a feud between Lohan and Hillary Duff. He dated both.


Now that Paramount has dumped Tom Cruise, rumors spread about Brad Pitt as the next Mission Impossible star. He'd play a different character with a different team, though.


Say it ain't so, Hank! Hank Williams could stand trial for charges from a cocktail waitress. She says he "yelled obscenities" and choked her.



Justin Timberlake will host the MTV Europe Music Awards. Traitor.


A new Hannibal book is coming out in December. It will be a prequel. Readers sure seem to have a thing for stories about eating human flesh.


One of these days, I want someone to explain Rachel Ray to me. She's going to be on 20/20 this Friday. Stossel better be the interviewer.


The new Tickle Me Elmo is out. This one smacks his knee, falls to the floor, rolls over, and pounds his arms during his fits of laughter. I feel dirty just typing about it.

"You try singing with false teeth..."

During today's show, I expressed astonishment that I couldn't find a picture of Willie Nelson with a doobie in hand or even just exhaling smoke to go along with the story about him getting busted for pot.

Congratulations to Tom, who found one for us. "Willie Nelson Smoke" was the key phrase for Google to find it. I tried "Willie Nelson Joint," "Willie Nelson High" and several other typical varieties of Willie searches that failed.

Aquarius

Get savvy about your finances. A few canny moves on your part could push you into an entirely new tax bracket: the one just above M.C. Hammer.

Cancer

It’s likely that boredom and restlessness will kick in today, but you can do something to ease the day. Break up the humdrum routine of work or school by planning a trip to the mall to buy something glamorous. Whether it’s an outfit or a Nixon mask, whatever you purchase is sure to be an upgrade.

Scorpio

Your natural panache comes in handy when you need to tell a story or gather people around a common cause. Your natural odor, however, doesn’t come in handy in those same situations.

Aries

It should be a fairly relaxed day. However, someone rather aloof and enigmatic is likely to catch your eye. Hamburglar gets you every time.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t air your dirty laundry in public. You’re simply too susceptible to those odd crotch stains.

A bad couple days for Lindsay Lohan.

First, she had a fight with her mom at a restaurant on her mom's birthday. Her mom, Dina, had already been throwing back Cristal before Lindsay showed up. Lindsay was pissed at her mom, told her to "go to hell" and stormed out of the restaurant. Dina started crying and then spent 45 minutes typing on her BlackBerry and then more crying when her birthday cake came out. Then, she started throwing fortune cookies at the waiters and flipping them off. Then, she didn't tip.

Meanwhile, Lindsay breaks her wrist after falling at some fashion party. Likely drunk.


Willie Nelson's been arrested for marijuana possession. They had a pound-and-a-half on their tour bus. As a cop, isn't it cheating to bust Willie Nelson for pot?

"Check me out! I'm even blazed off my ass as a cartoon!"

Katie Holmes is having doubts about marrying Tom Cruise. Rumor has it that she doesn't know if she doesn't want to commit to Tom, who is so controlling he makes the Church of Scientology review every script Katie Holmes looks at. She feels she doesn't have a life of her own. Cue the Dawson's theme.


LL Cool J's coming back to TV in The Man. The title alone says how terrible this show has to be.


Mel Gibson's daughter just married guitarist Kenny Wayne Shepard. Kenny Wayne Shepard is a bad ass. And he probably likes to drink. And I don't think he's Jewish.


Napoleon Dynamite's wife is pregnant. He bothers me.

Way too many people think they can forward a message and suddenly find out who's stalking them on MySpace.

MySpace Tracker Works!
Body:	Find out who's visiting your profile, displays picture, location, how long the person stayed and other data. Displays records of anyone visiting your profile. It can display pictures on your profile of your current visitors, or show how many visitors you had and how many are currently online on your profile. Get it now for free, Repost and get tracker

This does not work, yet I get these things constantly.

This is nothing new to complain about, but if you think about it a little more, it's kind of a creepy thing to want. You basically want a way to stalk the people who are stalking you.

Here's our discussion (3:17).


In other show activity...

A Harry Potter fan excited about some recent news (3:17).

I also recommend you watch and listen to the following tweak to the Lord of the Rings ending.

Capricorn

Scrap the idea of being perfect and focus on having more fun. But remember: safety first when towing a shopping cart behind an ’87 S-10.

Gemini

Spontaneous invitations and chance meetings are plentiful. The stars encourage you to say yes to as many as possible. The stars encourage you to say no to sexually aggressive clowns...especially the kinky, midget kind that always try to introduce ponies into the bedroom.

Libra

Center stage is right where you belong. Soak up the spotlight and enjoy this moment before you dazzle the onlookers with all of your amazing talents. Oh, no! It’s that dream where you’re only wearing socks! And they’re only on your feet. And you’ve got that awkward case of rosacea.

Pisces

The excitement factor in your social life goes up a few notches. Get your friends together. Go dancing. Have a karaoke night! Kill a defenseless small animal.

Stooks Proverb: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. It also repels Mark Mangino.

Tom Cruise and Katie Homes' rep says they'll get married in the next three to six weeks. Just in time for the big day, Tom has finally won Katie's grandma's approval.


Britney Spears named her new son Sutton Pierce.


A bodyguard who applied to work for Brangelina has been arrested for impersonating a Homeland Security official. He was padding his resume to try to land the job. He even dressed up a Crown Victoria with some lights and "Homeland Security" decals.


Elton John has ended his feud with George Michael. It started when Elton said George was wasting talent just sitting at home. They also disagreed on which is better: top or bottom.


Congratulations to Pierce Brosnan on his environmental efforts and for posing with this terrifying facial hair.


Not really breaking news, but here's an interesting take on why Elmo is a terrible character on Sesame Street.


Two corpses in two weeks on two different CSI sets. The latest was on the Miami set. A body washed ashore while they were filming a scene in Miami.

This guy's mouth is full. (2:51)

One of our listeners is going to Hollywood! (2:50)

This guy has seen the Klan around JC. (1:27)

"Willem Defoe cut my hair." (1:36)

Flaming homes on the highway/How'd you get into school? (3:56)

The Walmart cigarette line. (2:59)

Speaking of Walmart... (2:20)

"Oh no! It's Hillazilla!!!"

Leo

Your natural state is zoom, zoom, zoom, but focus on each and every step, or things could go boom, boom, boom. I thought boom, boom, boom was a good thing.

Sagittarius

Someone in your life is intent on losing their head, but you remain calm. Guillotines are far too expensive for one person and usually require two people for operation.

Taurus

Someone close to you is toting a 'Handle with Care' warning. Punch them and call them a sissy. Then tell them you would call them worse, but they’re not worth the trouble.

Virgo

Silence gets your point across more effectively than a torrent of words today. Damn you and your stealthy flatulence.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Bears can, though. Especially if you store your honey in your hair instead of one of those cute little bear bottles.

Whoops, I think I'm a little late on Jennifer Aniston topping the People's best-dressed list. Halle Berry and Jessica Alba were #2 and #3, respectively.


It's about time someone's figured out Rachel Bilson is ten times more impressive than Mischa Barton. It looks like she's been cast as the next Wonder Woman.


She also says she wants to leave The O.C. I'm pretty sure that show's gone after this season, so if you're still a fan, better enjoy it now.


I just watched the trailor for Apocalypto. It's the new Mel Gibson movie. His hatred for Jews aside, it looks like it could be a good movie. I might have nightmares. I have no idea what it's about.


Jennifer Lopez is set to play the wife of a salsa legend, played by Marc Anthony. El Cantante looks like it could be Gigli-level garbage.


Bob Barker's celebrating his 35th year on The Price Is Right. He will most likely squeeze a BB's boob to celebrate.


Ben Affleck's figured out that he needed a break from being in movies because he was being typecast as "Ben Affleck." I agree. What a terrible character to play.


Grey's Anatomy's Patrick Dempsey is expecting a second child. He's one of those guys who women always talk about and love, and who guys could really deal without.


Dog the Bounty Hunter just got arrested in Hawaii on charges out of Mexico. Bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico. So they're trying to extradite him to Mexico just to get a bribe? Seems a bit much.


Jay-Z is unretiring. The world is shocked. New CD November 21.

Here's an odd story out of Lenexa about a kid who's on six months probation for putting some G.I. Joe Survival Beverage in her coffee that apparently made her sick.

I knew people had done worse things to their teachers.

Aquarius

You thrive on fresh influences. The stars say you may need to toss a few things to recharge your sense of inspiration. That rotten meat loaf in your fridge might be a good start. Even Mangino runs in horror from that thing.

Cancer

There will always be stresses present in day-to-day living. You can throw a tantrum like a kid, or you can learn to deal with them gracefully. I agree, kick and scream your way through this one.

Scorpio

Woe to the person who feels the need to challenge you -- you've got witty retorts and dazzling debate techniques to spare. And with your “at least I’m not a fan of Hitler” zinger in your arsenal, no one can stop you.

Aries

You can quip and converse with the best of them. If someone wants to get into some deep issues, reschedule for later. Right now witty repartee is your forte. Profound topics could confuse you both. Especially since you just huffed a bottle of Off bug spray.

Stooks Proverb: Experience is the best teacher. Second best is that one woman who gave it up to that 14 year old.

Kevin Federline confirms he's a father of another baby boy. “Mom and baby are doing well, thanks, but we’re all really tired.” Life & Style Weekly says Britney was craving a double cheeseburger and milkshake from In-N-Out Burger on the way to the hospital, but “Kevin refused to stop to satisfy Brit’s urge.” Then, she had his baby, and he satisfied her urge all night long in a desperate attempt to reimpregnate.


Wow, Whitney Houston has finally filed for divorce. You know, just yesterday we were talking about Kevin Costner's comeback...anyone else smell BODYGUARD SEQUEL!!!!!!!


Some Russian politician wanted to have Madonna be a space tourist. Other Russians didn't want it to happen. I wonder why.


Classic Lohan: she's secretly married, but "Another source, however, says there’s trouble in paradise. Lohan and Morton had a nasty spat on Sunday when he got furious at her for flirting with a DJ, according to the London Mirror." Nice use of the "flirting with the DJ" to cause a fight.


Same article, Stephen Baldwin says he's praying for Tom Cruise's soul. He's a born-again Christian, who only knows six Commandments. Oh yeah, and he's a Baldwin.


Nicole Richie says she still isn't anorexic. "Stress" is it. The stress from having a cherry-red prosthetic fingernail repeatedly touching the back of your throat.


They found a mummified body at an offset scene while filming CSI: NY. They should pull a Double Impact and have Gary Sinise play the unmummified corpse of a murdered Lieutinant Dan.


The Kazakhstan President is flying in to meet with President Bush about Ali G's Kazakh character, Borat. The new Borat movie is out in some places and the country doesn't like the film makes them look. I'm not joking.


Rock Star: Supernova's finale just got a little interesting. A judge says another band already owns that name, and new Supernova needs to go get themselves a name of their own.


No real new news on Mike Tyson's new job working out in front of people in Vegas, but this is an interesting piece about his career and problems. I remember how cool he was when we were kids. What a messed-up dude.

Men's Health has "7 Reasons to End a Friendship." FYI: They're all really lame reasons and I've never heard of a single guy officially ending a friendship. You just grow apart or you don't.

Well, well, well, all women called in.



We also talked about Chris' dad picking on old people.

And we learned about an enticing offer to improve our mad art skills.

Capricorn

You know what you want done and you know how you want it to happen. Now if you could just afford Jenna Jameson, you’d have quite the film.

Gemini

It's a hectic time, but it's nothing you can't handle. Just make sure you stay mentally and physically flexible. See if you can bend your leg over head and touch your conscience with your toe.

Libra

After all of the efforts you've made, you're like a cat on a hot tin roof, and who can blame you? But luckily for the cat, it was neutered before it got on the hot tin roof, unlike you.

Pisces

Your friends have issues, so be a caring pal and lend a sympathetic ear. Believe it or not, your humanitarian impulses will increase your chances of romance. See, this is where being gay would really come in handy.

Stooks Proverb: Like father, like son. That’s why Jake Busey also picks broccoli out of his teeth with a pick axe.

They’d all come to a local bar to hear Canadian Dan Aykroyd perform a few numbers with the band.

"Oh, that guy. He's in everything."

Eddie Izzard is going to be in it, also. I know you need to see his face, too. Hold on.

"This is just one of my many faces."

Jeopardy weirdo Ken Jennings wrote a book. He says he pretends to not know some things just to make people think they stumped him. What a pompous ass.

We took up a classic today: pooping at work.

First off, here's some terminology that will help with this discusion.

Leo

Engage that cranium, but remember to check in with your heart on a regular basis. You wouldn’t want to have everyone call you “Cheney Chest” again, would you?

Sagittarius

Believe it or not, a surprising turn of events is just what the doctor ordered...much better than dose after dose of the pink stuff.

Taurus

Don't listen to what other people believe. The two most essential tools for succeeding in life are already at your disposal. All you need are love and that creepy guy from the KY warming massage commercial.

Virgo

Security concerns occupy most of your headspace right now. Oh, and lice. Buy that shampoo, already.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a horse by its saddle. Do judge a horse by it’s ability to suck a pimento out of an olive with its nostril.

This is sad: Anna Nicole Smith gave birth in the Bahamas Thursday. They found her 20-year-old son dead in the same hospital.


The mole has returned! Cindy Crawford says she never admitted to using botox.

Jessica Simpson and her dad/manager are feuding again. She better watch out, or she'll be giving spankings again.

Paris Hilton has filmed a movie called "Bottoms Up." Jeez, that really sounds like a porno. However, it's a legit movie. But, one of her co-stars you've never heard of says Paris doesn't have talent and is always late. Double goodbye! Paris doesn't remember anything from the past five years.

This article says Denise Richards and Richie Sambora will get married in May '07. I will vomit.

Here's an interesting read that includes PETA's thanks for Steve Irwin's death and this from Diddy: “I’m still the flyest mother[bleeper] out there. I’m still dictating what’s hot, what the flavor is, what dance should be done. I’m not trying to hold on to my youth — I’m just timeless, I guess.”


The Covenant made $9 million this weekend. It was the worst weekend box office in three years. Why don't they just start putting out decent movies in the Fall instead of jamming them all into the summer? That really annoys me.


Interesting take from Brad Pitt on the photo below:

When a reporter revealed that she, too, was a new parent, the cameras went wild
again, as Pitt made a wacky face. "That's the picture that's going to end up (on
TV) when I have a breakdown," Pitt said, laughing. "When I get arrested for a
DUI late at night, or make racial slurs or something. 'See, we saw it coming.' "

We talked about "being whipped."


All kinds of football action this weekend with the NFL back in action.

One guy called the show to find out the results from the Chiefs' game (3:29).

Dick Cheney says...(0:31).

Aquarius

Your intellect receives a large dose of earthy common sense. Here it is: dirt is good for growing things.

Cancer

Yes, other people depend on you, but you need to make your own needs a priority, too. If you get too caught up crossing the t's and dotting the i's for others, your own life could start to fray at the edges. Although, it is important to not confuse “pool” with “poot.”

Scorpio

It's amazing how good we humans are at making life more difficult. The next time you're faced with a dilemma, pretend you’re an orangutan.

Aries

It's time to get into some practical habits when it comes to your finances. Any little steps you take toward fiscal health will pay off exponentially. Just wait for double coupons before going on your Escolar-brand herpes ointment.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s more efficient to divide the eggs into individual baskets for each person involved in the egging of your high school art teacher’s car.

Diddy needs to change his name again! Only in Britain, though. There's a little-known music producer who's been using the "Diddy" name since 1992.


Tom Cruise had a "decoy Suri" to throw off the media.


Brad Pitt says he'll consider marrying Angelina when gay people can marry each other. A Star Magazine article says otherwise.


Ben Affleck just won the highest honor at the Venice Film Festival. He won best actor for Hollywoodland, a movie about the investigation into the death of 1950's Superman. Has someone forgotten to remind him he's supposed to be a loser?


I can't really make fun of this, but you have to admit it's odd: the White House says Clay Aiken is about to be appointed to the President's Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities.


Lindsay Lohan got her purse back! For some reason, she carries a million dollars worth of jewelry in there. I don't know how she has room for her tequila in there.


50 Cent keeps his street cred intact: he was cited for a lane-change violation, and for having an expired license and no registration.


Jeff Probst is out defending the new Survivor: Racist.


David Gest has asked the judge to throw out a pre-nup he signed wit Liza Minneli. He said the contract is invalid because it doesn't mention Liza's herpes, alcoholism and short temper. Wow, Liza Minneli's herpes is really something I didn't plan on having to think about today.


Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest has become the third film to top $1 billion worldwide. Titanic grossed $1.8 billion and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King had $1.1 billion.

I'm surprised I hadn't seen this earlier. It's a video of Ben Affleck on some Montreal TV show while promoting Jersey Girl. At this point, he was between relationships with J-Lo and Jennifer Garner. So, he's free to grope it up with the host of the show.

Dick Cheney needs to get on TV more.

He was on Meet the Press this morning. Tim Russert couldn't resist asking him about hunting. Cheney said he hadn't been hunting since he shot that dude in the face, but only because it's not hunting season.

Take a listen to this funny exchange which ends with Russert being glad Cheney didn't bring a shotgun into the studio.

Both College and NFL leagues have started their seasons.

It seems like almost everyone is caught up in a fantasy league or pick 'em league of some sort.

We thought we'd take advantage of this trend.

"Quentin's 'Can't Miss' Picks." (4:32)

"Are you ready for some, whatever this he/she's involved with?"

Free for All Friday

KSU Football/Paris gets what she deserves (3:13).

Leave Paris alone! (1:16)

High Lady on NFL/My friend's wife (4:02).

Capricorn

Ease up on yourself and others. You have a high set of standards. Not everyone can cough blood on command.

Gemini

Spend your considerable energy and insight on another person. They could really use your help. Clown makeup is the only thing that’ll make their face reasonable.

Libra

Get ready to close the book on some old emotional business -- you're about to start a new chapter in your life. Sadly, no one ever reads the Epilogue. Loser.

Pisces

Someone's looking for trouble. Make sure you're not a target for their ire. More importantly, make sure you’re on the lookout with your posters of Enrique Iglesias and Cindy Crawford. A jealous co-worker has their eyes set on a serious mole score. They’ve got the scissor for the job, too.

Stooks Proverb: Opportunity seldom knocks twice. Jonathan Taylor Thomas, on the other hand, will throw a cinder block through your window for a sandwich.

Ellen's hosting The Oscars.


WEAK! Paris Hilton's blood alcohol level was only a .08 when she got her DUI. Any less, and she would've been free to go. That was at the scene, so chances are she blew even better at the police station and may get off. What?

Even worse non-celeb Kimberly Stewart was her passenger, by the way.

In unrelated Paris news: she wasn't making out with Travis Barker from Blink 182. She was making out with his friend. Less whorish, I guess.


Lionel Richie gets quote of the week for what he says about his daughter.

“I live with the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana,”

Well, Diana, but a lot more whorish before dying.


David Letterman's going to do The Late Show for at least four more years. No new contract, but things seem to be going well for Jimmy Kimmel's show, too. Conan will slaughter them both.


Michael Jackson has to pay ex Debbie Rowe $60 thousand. That dude is involved in more lawsuits than every celebrity combined, doesn't he?


Remember that d-bag with the book from Oprah? James Frey and his publishers have to give out up to $2.35 million in refunds for books bought before he admitted to being a fraud.


Brian DePalma wants to cast Nicholas Cage as a young Al Capone in an Untoucables sequel. I don't approve.


There's a rumor that Anderson Cooper and Campbell Brown will move to CBS' Early Show. He's got to be the youngest guy ever to get a full head of gray hair that early. I'm not sure if he or Taylor Hicks pulls it off better.

We weren't really feeling a talk topic today, so just a couple of clips.

This guy isn't happy about Twix bars.

Steve Schnell's "Stooks in the Morning really blows today" Report.

Leo

There's more to this relationship than meets the eye, especially if work matters are involved. Bring your full commitment to this enterprise, as well as a willingness to explore all of the possibilities, including a ball gag.

Sagittarius

You're an 'action speaks louder than words' kind of person, but the stars encourage you to explore issues with in-depth conversation. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and perform your punch-to-the-kidney move.

Taurus

The bright side is the right side -- that's your personal motto when it comes to dealing with life. Your motto when it comes to dealing with your neighbors’ dog is “Scruffy doesn’t like horse tranquilizer, does he?”

Virgo

Plants, flowers, foliage -- anything green, wild or woody stimulates your creativity and your love for life. Haha. Woody.

Stooks Proverb: All’s well that ends well. Unless it’s a buffet line occupied by Louie Anderson, Kirstie Alley and Mark Mangino at the same time.

BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton was arrested just after midnight Thursday for DUI.


Emilio Estevez is getting married.

"I'm relevant enough to make mattstooks.com!!!"

Jessica Simpson Wednesday! First off, she's seeming like Ashlee right now: "lost her voice" just in time for her CD release and scheduled "live" performances. She's also not dating John Mayer or anyone else. The good news? Nick Lachey is getting far less than the $18 million (half of what the couple earned while together) he filed for the divorce. But his career isn't as over as it looked six months ago, so he won't end up at whatever parking garage Joey Fatone works.


Katie Couric doubled the audience for the CBS Evening News her first night. And she had Suri photos. People will watch. Go choke on a hot dog.


Katie Holmes says rumors about Suri were "heartbreaking."

“Some of the crap that’s out there, the stuff that’s said about my parents and my siblings (reports that her family did not hit it off with Cruise), it’s really frustrating the amount of s*** that’s out there.“And the stuff they say about Suri? You shouldn’t say that about us, and you can’t say that about my child.”

Notice how she didn't object to rumors about Freakshow?


Sickos: there's no chance you're gonna see the tape of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dieing. See you in Hell.


Ron Goldman's dad has filed a petition to own the name "O.J. Simpson." He hasn't got a dime from a $30 million judgement in 1997.


That Village People cop got three years probation for drug possession. Go ahead. Picture the Village People. Wasn't that nice?


Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth broke up!!! Things could get awkward when they start filming Seasons of Dust together. Does anyone care?


Desperate Housewives' Marcia Cross is pregnant. It's her first kid.


A miniseries about 9/11 on ABC might cause some problems. It blames the Clinton Administration for not getting bin Laden. Harvey Keitel is in it. Random.

I got into a discussion with a group of girls about body hair this weekend in KC.

I learned a lot, so I thought we should take this issue to the air.




In other show activity...

Demone the Demon shows up because of 9/6/06 (1:53).

Aquarius

All the right celestial influences are in place to support your wildest dreams. Crazy, unreasonable and outrageous are just labels other people use when they're too scared. And well they should be, as your plans for a vacuum cleaner attachment that removes small children out of Mangino fat rolls will sweep the nation.

Cancer

Is someone close to you playing devil's advocate just for the sake of being contrary? Try to let it roll off your back. Remember how long it took you to dispose of the body last time?

Scorpio

Reserve judgment on this person until you know them better. Sure, they didn't make the greatest first impression, but they just might grow on you -- and take up a permanent, necessary place in your life: a toady.

Aries

Careless speech can be just that -- careless speech -- so there's no point in fretting over it. Reinterpreting or analyzing someone's comments just wastes your energy. Go watch some Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Stooks Proverb: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Where there’s a Mangino, there’s a worried cow.

Rosie's getting pretty good reviews after her first appearance on The View. She didn't even eat Elisabeth Hasselbeck. In all seriousness, she seems to own this show now.


Katie Couric made her debut yesterday, too. She even got to unveil a photo of Suri Cruise-Holmes. Don't get excited. No horns or hooves.

We talked about Diddy's girlfriend expecting another kid. Turns out, they're having twins. I hope he still has some names left in his grab bag.

A third cast member from Lost has been arrested for a traffic violation. The guy who plays Eko was arrested for driving without a license and disobeying a cop.

The Beckhams say they aren't expecting. He better knock her up soon, though, if they want us to still care about them.

Lyrics to a new Keith Urban song indicate he wants two kids with Nicole Kidman.

Nick Lachey has taken Vanessa Minillo home to meet his parents.

Pamela Anderson now knows how to do her own makeup. Her boobs are a different story.

Lots of activity on the show after a long weekend.

My weekend in KC included a trip to J.C. Penny Outlet Store with my friend, Chris.

We saw a pregnant woman, looking overdue and showing a little too much midriff.



Two posts down is the story about Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin's death.

One caller is particularly saddened by this occurence (2:24).

All this Crocodile Hunter talk got Chris and I debating on whether a shark is a fish.

This guy sets us straight, and the High Lady makes a brief cameo in the background at the end (1:25).

Katie Couric debuts on CBS tonight.

We've found some of her promos unfortunate (1:16).

Capricorn

What gives? It seems like casual acquaintances understand you better than your closest friends do right now. Sometimes old habits keep loved ones from seeing each other clearly…so does not using Clear Eyes, but your displeasure with Ben Stein will prevent you from ever clearing that hurdle.

Gemini

Right now, you'd like nothing more than to get this party started -- and quickly. Round up the usual suspects -- you know, those cohorts whom you can always count on to make merry. It's time to let down your hair and get all kinds of merry up in everybody’s grill.

Libra

If your perfect plan met with an untimely demise, it's because the universe didn't think it was the right strategy for the moment. See what you can salvage and learn from this. Then go buy a chainsaw and lots of bleach.

Pisces

A worthy cause needs your time, money and skill. Clear a little room in your schedule -- and budget -- to help. Not only will you feel more involved and active in your community, but you'll also be spiritually refreshed as a result of your mercy killing of Miss Cleo.

Stooks Proverb: Fight fire with fire. Fight Rosie O’Donnell with lots of armor so she can’t eat you.

The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, died today. Discovery was filming Steve at the Greet Barrier Reef. He was swimming above a a group of stingrays. One of them lashed its poisonous tail up to protect itself and speared him in the heart. It's a very rare occurrence: 17 deaths in 10 years from stingrays.

Here's an interesting read about everything from his death through his career. Here's an excerpt:

"Our whole passion to be on this planet is to educate people about wildlife," he said in 1998. "I will die doing that. I have a gift."

I liked him. I thought he was a unique and compelling TV personality.




Now, back to people we really don't care for.

Tom Cruise apologized to Brooke Shields. Next, he'll reveal he only said the things he said because he was always jealous at Brooke for getting it on with Andre Agassi.


Here's an interesting stunt:

Paris Hilton’s album became the target of Banksy’s latest stunt. The British graffiti artist tampered with 500 copies of her album.

Banksy changed the album sleeves with a topless body and replaced the head with one belonging to a dog. The CDs were substituted by other 40-minute CDs consisting of a remix made by an artist, only giving his name as DM, but rumors suggest it could be Danger Mouse - one half of Gnarls Barkley.

The 500 “touched” albums came with a sticker on the cover, claiming that the album contains hits such as “Why am I Famous?” , “What Have I Done?” and “What Am I For?”

Ellen and her girlfriend, Portia De Rossi were hit by a drunk driver Friday afternoon. Both actresses are okay.


Katie Couric is just hours away from her debut with the CBS Evening News.


Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are having closed door discussions to settle their divorce. She could end up with more than $100 million.



Nip/Tuck starts tonight on FX. Here's an article about the new season.

I've always maintained that the High Lady can sense when our show needs some help.

We had a pretty rough start to Free for All Friday.

Until the High Lady Called to talk about the United Pooties or something. Probably the High Lady at her most ridiculous.



Other show stuff...

Steve Schnep's Purple Power Play on Poyntz Report. Steve Schnell has to intervene.

The Iraqi woman needs 10 tickets to tomorrow's K-State game.

Leo

There are many benefits to being an adult -- no curfew and not having to ask to borrow the car are a few. You can’t get away with looking up schoolgirls skirts as much, though.

Sagittarius

Push beyond the borders of your comfort zone, even if it's only in the smallest ways. Try mango-cranberry sorbet instead of chocolate ice cream. Tell your sweetie you want to go to Tahiti instead of visiting relatives. Sit next to the guy in the wife beater with that mystery stain on the front.

Taurus

Willow trees survive storms, whereas sturdier types, like the oak, topple over. Why? Because willows are exceptionally flexible. They bend, then go back up. Take this information to heart right now. Trees are fun!

Virgo

What's that delicious aroma? Why, that's the sweet smell of success -- and it's coming from you. It resembles the smell of garlic mixed with Angela Lansbury.

Stooks Proverb: True love never grows old. It just becomes bitter and craps itself.