Stooksoscope
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Don’t lose heart if some recent adventures haven’t turned out quite as you’d hoped. Instead, shake off some of that weight pressing down on your shoulders. You really shouldn’t offer piggyback rides to Rosie O’Donnell.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Recent frustrations about your progress on the job will vanish if you take the time to examine any attitudes that are holding you back. Next step: finding ways to get rid of them. Suggestion: a Suzanne Somers piñata.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Feel like your interest in love has been more rusty than lusty as of late? Not a problem. Everyone goes through those low-energy periods now and then. They usually follow a Flintstones Vitamin binge.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Just because you’re in demand doesn’t mean you have to appear at everything you’re asked to attend. There are only so many birthday cakes a reasonable person can pop out of in a given time.
Stooks Proverb: The tongue can paint what the eye can’t see. The Paris Hilton tongue has the added benefit of painting sores on people.
Scoop
Britney Spears went to an actual dentist for her toothache. Now, if we could just get her to the gynecologist…
Sanjaya’s family is so over all the bad press. In fact, they’re challenging the media to “bring it on.” Consider it “brought.”
Meanwhile, it’s hunger strike Day 12 for this MySpace Sanjaya-hater.
Donald Trump wrote Barbara Walters off his “list” for the way she handled the Rosie ordeal. I’m sure Barbara is traumatized.
Jennifer Aniston made out with some random, unknown tall dude at Vince Vaughn’s birthday party. It likely wasn’t as lame as her kiss with Courteney Cox.
Paparazzi caught Leonardo DiCaprio flipping through a porn mag at a liquor store. Those Titanic scenes just don’t do it for him anymore.
Lindsay Lohan’s sporting some serious “Mickelson Boob.”
Bono is now a knight. And you thought he couldn’t become more pretentious.
Diddy says he had tantric sex for at least 30 hours on a recent trip to Paris. He says he’s more meticulous with his lovemaking than “my work.” Doesn’t say much.
Al Roker produced a documentary on childhood obesity for the Food Network. Is he going to recommend parents saw their kids’ stomachs in half?
Show Clips – Your neighbor’s yard
Stooksoscope
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your ideas about relationships are changing and maturing. You no longer seek a companion to get you through an episode of
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Make sure people know you’re not just talk — you know how to take action, too, especially when it comes to those great ideas of yours. Ron Popeil will kick himself for not thinking of a deluxe Food Dehydrator, complete with squirrel jerky compartment.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t let fear influence your next steps. Stick to Viaka.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re terribly allergic to boredom. But, believe it or not, that weird drip you have is a symptom of something else.
Stooks Proverb: The good die young. Maybe Bea Arthur isn’t as sweet as she seems.
Scoop
The courts are using the same lab as Maury Povitch for Anna Nicole’s baby-daddy testing. If they work this into an episode of Maury, I’ll never be sad again.
Bomb threat at E! Don’t get your hopes up. Seacrest wasn’t in the building, and it wasn’t a legit threat, anyway.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt avoided a plot to kidnap their latest adoptee, and extort $100 million for his return. Brad Pitt waived his armpits in the air to propel any human from further infringing on his B.O. He rarely bathes.
Ouch: Angelina Jolie got caught with the same diaper bag as Tori Spelling. I hope she stocked up on some alternatives from a Vietnamese sweat shop.
“I don’t know” – Paris Hilton’s response to a photographer on what her movie “The Hottie and the Nottie” is about. She could, however, name off all 50 of her lovers in the past month.
Todd Bridges isn’t dead. The confusion wasn’t Wikipedia-related this time. Some addict named Shawn Bridges died, and apparently they couldn’t remember Todd’s first name accurately?
“Yup. It feels good to not be dead and have people care about it.”
Marc Anthony moved out of the way so J-Lo could have cameras all to herself before a TRL appearance. At least he knows his place.
Donald Trump slapped Vince McMahon at a Wrestlemania press conference to continue their “feud.” Maybe it’s not a work for the cameras. Vince could’ve said “Rosie’s not THAT ugly,” to provoke him.
The rights to O.J. Simpson’s book, “If I Did It,” go up for auction April 17th. They better throw some Tupperware on the auction block with it.
A friend says Nicole Kidman is pregnant. Much more reliable than her “looking pregnant” in the past.
The ancestors of the guy who tried to assassinate Hitler don’t want Tom Cruise playing the movie role. They think he might try to promote Scientology with the film. They’re also secretly pissed at how he ruined Katie Holmes.
Show Clips
Stooksoscope
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone’s impressed with how good you are at being in charge. Too bad that someone is Jennifer Lopez’s three year old niece.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You have a decision to make, but you need lots of peace and quiet to identify the option that’s really best for you. Tell your loved ones you need to do this on your own. Meditation will help clear your mind. So will pictures of
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Learn to bend and you might not have to break, especially when it comes to dealing with a head honcho type. In other words, someone’s looking for a fight, so don’t give them the chance. Tell them their shoe’s untied, then flee.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ease up on workaholic tendencies. It’s a good time to seek out some fun-loving pals and cement the bonds of friendship with a game of Old Maid, where you all put on grey wigs, dress up like Barbara Bush, and have a pillow fight.
Stooks Proverb: Live and learn, then get Luvs. Actually, Depends are more suited for someone your size.
Scoop
Britney Spears lost 10 pounds in rehab…all in her liver.
Just before her toothache, Britney Spears’ security pulled a gun on a photographer at a church. I’m still not sure what Jesus would’ve done if he were her security.
Cocky potential baby-daddy Larry Birkhead threw down some serious coin at Baby Gap. Maybe he’s just kinky, not arrogant.
It looks like Paris Hilton is dating Josh Henderson from Desperate Housewives. Can they write his rotting genitals into the storyline?
Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton’s The Simple Life taped a segment that has some screaming “Jon Benet!” Jergens stock just went up.
Star Jones went to Shaq’s 35th birthday party. For the first time, she lost the weigh-in.
Diddy seems to have inherited Star’s weight. Or is he just smuggling Barbara Walters under that shirt.
“You’re kidding? Someone already has the name ‘Fat Joe?'”
Jessica Simpson donated a minivan to a Mexican orphanage. She has been looking to adopt, but smuggling is so much easier.
Punk’d has been canceled. I can’t wait until Ashton breaks it to Demi that she’s been punk’d with their relationship.
Show Clips – Male PMS
Stooksoscope
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This rough patch of your recent history is, believe it or not, a great opportunity to learn how to change things for the better. Stop bemoaning your fate. Figure out the divine lesson in these events: Jesus is the only one who can make a decent glass of wine out of water. He makes a damn fine Margarita, too.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Emotional setbacks can hurt like heck. If only you could convince Quentin Tarantino to work Tom Selleck into one of his films.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re not out of the woods yet. Keep a positive attitude and have faith that you’ll get through this just fine. Once you figure out how to use Nair without getting hives, you’ll be at the beach in no time.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A friend may resent the ease with which you attract the right people, but it’s not your problem. If they want to talk about it, of course you’ll listen, or at least pretend to listen while you’re actually replaying Baywatch episodes in your head.
Stooks Proverb:
Scoop
Anna Nicole didn’t kill herself, and neither did anyone else. We’ll have to find something else to occupy our time now.
Britney’s people said it was a toothache, not a relapse, that sent her to the hospital Sunday.
Kevin Federline spent his 29th birthday with Shar Jackson, his inaugural baby mama.
A German TV network prevented John Travolta from talking about Scientology. They’re holding out for a real expert, like Tom Cruise.
“Pretend I still look like this, and Scientology’s responsible. Still don’t want a pamphlet?”
Bruce Willis made out with Courtney Love, but didn’t leave with her, on his 52nd birthday. He figured he’d already knocked himself down a couple notches with the makeout session alone.
Angelina Jolie might have to deal with her newly adopted son’s heroin addict of a greedy mom. She wants money. Angelina has some.
The three Harry Potter kids have now signed on for the rest of the series. They’re still working out the financial arrangements for naked horseback scenes, though.
Eminem and his ex have agreed to play nice in public for their daughter’s sake. Does that exclude money made from “my wife’s a bitch”-related songs?
Show Clips
Stooksoscope
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Someone else’s emotions are making you uncomfortable, possibly because they quite accurately mirror what you’re trying to keep hidden. You really should’ve buried it before having company over.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Communication may be a little touch-and-go now, so make sure you double-check those emails and text messages before sending anything out., especially if it’s something as hasty as LOL.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing freshens up your home like some redecorating attempts or a new coat of paint. Why not apply the same practice to your mind and body, too? Surely a full-body paint job is acceptable for casual Friday.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s a great time to think about putting down roots. That’ll make your constant use of “make like a tree and leaf” joke a tad more acceptable.
Stooks Proverb: Only the tent pitched by your own hands will stand. Just don’t do it at the school bus stop anymore. You’ll get arrested if you keep that up.
Scoop
Friday night, Britney Spears made her first public appearance since rehab. She went to a dance class and had dinner with her girlfriends. Her vagina, meanwhile, stayed behind closed doors.
Mel Gibson to an expert on Mayan culture: “Lady, f**k off.” She had challenged some of the representations in his movie Apocalypto. How insulting…he didn’t even give her the obligatory salutation “sugar tits.”
“How ’bout we take this outside with a bottle of tequila?”
Miss USA Tara Conner handed her crown over to its new owner, Miss Tennessee, this weekend. I hope she boiled it first.
Dina Lohan says her daughter Lindsay tries to set her up with guys in Hollywood. Jon Lovitz seems like a good fit.
The photographers involved in the “Denise Richards snatches laptops, throws them off a balcony and grazes an old woman in a wheelchair” story are suing. The old woman is still confused.
I just found out Brooke Burke named her kid “Heaven Rain.” I hope these celebrities get high and come up with these names before the pregnancy.
Show clips – Free for All Friday
We’re back to 100,000 watts today. Thanks for helping us get through this fiasco. Our engineer, Randy Stewart, is a badass.
Justin Carson leaves, ends friendship (1:43)
Scoop – J-Hud’s chicken wing problem (2:53)
Don’t breathe on the transmitter (1:55)
Free for all – Everyone sucks more than you (4:05)
Free for all – Enough with the sirens (4:21)
Free for all – When our transmitter works… (2:59)
Free for all – Don’t do drugs (1:23)
Stooksoscope
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An eagerness to put a recent squabble behind you may send you from the frying pan straight into the fire. That’s a place only suitable for s’mores.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Having this much activity going on can be just a touch unsettling, but withdrawing from the scene won’t help anything. Just because something feels out of sync doesn’t mean it’ll be that way forever. You just need to stop eating Play-Doh for a couple hours.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Romance can be exhilarating and passionate if you’re willing to take a chance. Make sure you have enough cash and a full-body latex suit for the transaction.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s a good time to be discreet about your options, whether they’re career-related or on the more personal side. Some envious types are looking to cause mischief, and they’ve got the air horn to do it.
Stooks Proverb: Give an inch, and they’ll take a yard or your great aunt Mable at knifepoint.
Scoop
Despite stories saying he’ll get close to 20 million, TMZ says Kevin Federline’s only gonna get about one million in his divorce from Britney Spears. And a source close to her rehab experience says Britney has become “nice as well as reasonable.” Reasonable being defined as just a hair above an exposed vagina.
If you visit Britain, you won’t be reading about Britney’s rehab experience. The courts have blocked any publications from sharing the info. Luckily, only tabloids in Britain care about the whole experience.
Jennifer Hudson diva’d her way out of a performance for Starbucks shareholders. Her agent demanded baked chicken wings be ready for Jennifer at 10 in the morning. They didn’t think it was too harsh a demand, rather, no one needs to see J-Hud downing baked chicken wings at 10 in the morning.
Idol’s executive producer says the Cowell-Seacrest homoeroticism is all their own, not scripted.
Jeri Anne should be a judge for this competition: Inmate Idol at an Arizona jail.
Some German douche dropped half a million bucks on two of Anna Nicole’s diaries. Unless he finds half a million worth of methadone in the binding, he got screwed.
Tori Spelling is giving herself and the rest of the population a post-birth gift. She’s getting plastic surgery.
Show Clips
We were still at low power for today’s show. Thanks for following the show online. I apologize again for this fiasco.
Al Gore is the man…robot (3:08)
Stooksoscope
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re ready to raise the stakes when it comes to a high-risk game involving your emotions. The stars say to sit this hand out. So does the secondhand smoke coming from that dude with the Marlboro Reds who hasn’t left the casino in four days.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Family can be absolutely maddening, but they also know and love you like no one else can. How long has it been since you’ve communicated with them? Sounds like the perfect situation for a game of charades.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Expand your current social circle. Yes, your friends are great, but they don’t have easy access to prescription drugs.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If a dish regularly gave you heartburn, would you keep eating it over and over again? Of course you wouldn’t. That doesn’t include diarrhea, so Olive Garden is still in play.
Stooks Proverb: Dig the well before you’re thirsty or before you have a body to dispose.
Scoop
Larry Birkhead turned in his DNA, and only if he’s a match will Howard K. Stern have to do the same. And if they both match, they’ll rock, paper, scissors for the baby.
Hoff was clubbin’ it up in Vegas again the other night, and fans bombarded him for a photo. Luckily he doesn’t realize the photos are surely for comedic purposes.
Michael Jackson went on one of his legendary shopping sprees in London. I’m not sure if he passed their credit check, though.
A woman has gone on a hunger strike until Sanjaya is voted off American Idol. Maybe it was her daughter crying her ass off during the show Tuesday.
Nicole Richie collapsed on the set of The Simple Life last week. Her health problems have been tying up production and driving Chef Boyardee out of business.
Sharon Osbourne could replace Brandy on America’s Got Talent. Can she and Little Richard occupy the same space without a nuclear incident?
Naomi Campbell may get a main squeeze out of her community service. She was spotted with another janitor-type yesterday, looking quite happy.
PETA doesn’t like the idea of monkeys hanging out with Miss Nevada. But we might get a new species out of it.
Show Clips
Our transmitter was at low power for another show. We’re hoping to be back to full power this afternoon or tonight.
Thanks to everyone who called in for the show today.
Family Feud Play-By-Play (5:49)
Sanjaya makes a little girl cry (3:50)
Scoop – Britney out of rehab (3:04)
Who’s listening? Stooks is. (1:05)
Why’d you light the transmitter on fire? (0:55)
Stooksoscope
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Repressing your emotions won’t be helpful in the end. In fact, holding things in will eventually just make you feel like blowing your top. Paris Hilton has video to document this phenomenon.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Remind yourself how far you’ve come. That should help you overcome some mental obstacles so you’re able to move forward. You really should visit that Aggieville dumpster that gave you your start.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Peace and quiet are high on your must-have list, especially when you consider the recent compromises and sacrifices you’ve made. Before you know it, TMX Elmo will fall to number two on the list.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Romance goes right off the charts when you really give it your best shot. If you’re attached, make sure you set aside time for each other — no interruptions. And make sure you check in with that psychologist who specializes in Siamese twin incest.
Stooks Proverb: Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and there’s usually a Donald Trump to tell us exactly how Rosie got the will to look that way.
Scoop
Britney Spears is out of rehab and hoping to stay away. She wants her privacy, even if she’s pushing her vagina up against a photographer’s camera.
Scandal! Those homoerotic exchanges between Cowell and Seacrest might be scripted.
A judge has finally ordered Howard K. Stern to fork over some of his coveted DNA.
Busted! Mary-Kate Olson left a grocery store with a whole cart full of bags! Either she’s eating or stocking up on musical supplies from Dillon’s.
Pamela Anderson says she’s not getting back with Tommy Lee, but she does want him spending time with the boys. “The girls” are off limit for now.
A photographer got a little too close to Keanu Reeves car and had to go to the hospital. That’s better than having him unleash his mad jujitsu skills on you, I guess.
Halle Berry says she’ll never get married again. She failed to mention whether she plans to make money doing movies again.
Show Clips – Online exclusive
Yeah, “online exclusive.”
Our transmitter is operating at such a low power that we’re “clip showin’ it up” today for the listeners who can pick up the station. We’re hoping to be back to full power this afternoon, and back to a full show tomorrow. Thanks for putting up with it.
Scoping out the competition (3:19)
Scoop
Miss USA says she could be dead if it weren’t for Donald Trump’s intervention. It pays to not be fat or ugly to get Trump’s help.
Ripe cantaloupes
Jennifer Hudson says she isn’t a diva, at least not in the bad way of being a diva.
Vivid offered Brandy’s brother Ray J a four-picture deal to direct porns. He’s the one that peed on Paris Hilton’s friend, Kim Karadashin, on amateur porn. If he’s good at directing pee during porn, why wouldn’t he be good at directing porn?
Idol contestant Haley Scarnato wore the same set of hair extensions that Katherine McPhee sported last season. The hairdresser said he washed them first. Give him a break. A show like Idol surely can’t afford new sets of extensions each year.
Probable baby-daddy Larry Birkhead has a stalker. She even tried to get in his car. His potent seed is irresistible to the ladies.
TMZ is calling out The Simple Life for filming multiple retakes for what’s supposed to be a “reality show.” Do they expect the producers to keep all the vomit footage in, too?
John Mayer bought his-and-hers Rolex watches as a gift for Jessica Simpson. The watches can tell the time, date and the rising of the sun to prevent John from melting under its anti-vampire rays.
Show Clips – The one where the trasmitter caught on fire
So, our transmitter kind of caught on fire at 11:00 last night.
Instead of taking the day off, we decided to go for a web-only show.
Thanks to everyone who helped out, and a special thanks to my friend Danny Bristow for the Morgan Freeman bit.
We explain the transmitter problem to The High Lady (7:16).
Stooks’ Weekend Adventures (3:54)
Scoop
Angelina Jolie plans to be a stay-at-home mom for awhile.
E! says the fifth season of The Simple Life will have Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie as counselors in a fat camp. I’m sure they’ll get results.
Simon Cowell regrets turning down a $100 thousand offer to critique a couple’s lovemaking.
“It reminded me of some ghastly after-prom performance at a motel.”
Donald Trump has now started a feud with George W. Bush. He thinks Bush is a liar. At least he’s not fat and ugly like Rosie.
Star Jones hasn’t talked to anyone at The View since she left the show. I’m sure they’re all very upset over that.
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is out of prison after serving two years. Now he can get back to being a positive role model for his daughter.
Mario Lopez is still single, but he’s no Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Show Clips – Free for All Friday
Stooksoscope
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’re on the receiving end of some unusual celestial energy right now, especially when it comes to trusting your inner wisdom. Oh, wait, that’s just Olive Garden indigestion.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Be on the lookout for miscommunications, especially where relatives, loved ones and old friends are concerned. Your mind is on other things. Make sure they know you’re listening to them when they speak. Maybe you should take that Patrick Duffy poster down so you can pay better attention.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A desire to make the world a better place fills your heart. Unfortunately, a desire to film your own Bumfights videos fills your funny bone.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Does it seem as if someone’s always busy right when you want to talk to them? Communication styles are slightly out of sync right now. Chalk it up to those eccentric stars. Wait it out with patience and good humor. Try using those hilarious cancer jokes you read online.
Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you, unless what you don’t know is that Rosie is doing her upside-down depression therapy directly above you.