Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck enter catfight territory. Rosie told Elisabeth "You're very young and you're very wrong" as they were fighting over the Patriot Act.


Paris Hilton's been arrested for violating her probation, driving with a suspended license.


Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have been playing tonsil hockey all over Italy. Looks like baby-daddy-mama-drama can't keep these two lovebirds apart!


The LAPD is looking into claims that Diddy knocked some guy out after the guy wouldn't let Diddy leave a party with his fiancee.


Critics can't get enough of naked Harry Potter riding a horse on stage.


The voice of Ernie the Keebler Elf is dead.

Labels: stooks scoop

Age difference 1 (3:08)

Age difference 2 (2:44)

Age difference 3 (1:57)

Age difference 4 (4:00)

Age difference 5 (3:17)

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

That means keeping it simple, silly. Cut all the unnecessary trim and you'll find the absolute essence of success. Your wildest dreams come true, especially when you stick close to the original source: the tailpipe on an ’88 Cutlass.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You don't want to get swept away by passion -- or do you? Actually, that doesn't sound half bad right now. So just put yourself in the path of something that makes you extremely excited and brace yourself. A rolling Louie Anderson can pack quite the punch.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone's feeling awfully sexy, frisky, funny and lovely. Why, that person just might be you! And no wonder -- you're living proof that there's truth in advertising: sexual harassment does exist in the workplace.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Usually you excel at examining the nitty-gritty, but the stars give you the gift of being able to see the big picture and the small details that make up the whole. No one can paper mache quite like you.

Stooks Proverb: Practice makes perfect. But beware: being too perfect might draw comparisons to your 7^th grade class mate, Skinflute Sally.

Labels: stooksoscope

Antonella Barba, the reigning "Miss Nevada" of American Idol, seems to taking the bad press pretty hard. Her best friend, eliminated earlier in the competition, says "She's the least slutty person I know." I'm hoping she has some photographic evidence to back up that statement. Upload it. Then, we'll see.


Howard K. Stern might be a dirty bastard.

Where were you when you found out Anna Nicole died? Larry Birkhead was at the dentist.


Britney Spears' post-partum depression may the reason why Brit medicates with cocaine and ecstasy. Where's Tom Cruise?


Paris Hilton had an underpublicized breakup with her pet kinkajou, Baby Luv. The monkey-dog bit her too much. The government was likely behind the breakup, as they didn't want Baby Luv to contract Paris' diseases and spread them to innocent animals.


Eddie Murphy got pissed and walked out of the Oscars when he didn't win. Good.


Bobby Brown is in jail, and can't get out until he pays $20 thousand in back child support. He doesn't have that much, which some would find amusing.


Lindsay Lohan's looking good.

Labels: stooks scoop

Steve Schnell's Report about the season change (1:31)

Howard K. Stern vs Howard Stern (0:37)

"How to use the phone" 1 (4:20)

"How to use the phone" 2 (3:32)

"How to use the phone" 3 (3:16)

"How to use the phone" 4 (0:58)

"How to use the phone" 5 (3:39)

"How to use the phone" 6 (4:28)

Grape Ape (1:30)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Thinking about others is almost always second nature to you, but right now a little voice is saying, 'But what about me, me, me?' Go ahead and give yourself some extra loving attention and kindness too. Just don’t do it in your neighbors bushes this time.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

It's time for you to get the word out. You've got what it takes -- compassion, enthusiasm and ability -- to mobilize large groups for the greater good. Unfortunately, no one owns a car in your new hippie existence.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Future plans will have a rock-solid foundation if you make an extra-special effort to pay attention to what's going on in the moment. Stay grounded in the present and you can take the next best step. Stash your pornography in your grandma’s basement so you won’t get distracted.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Sometimes you feel so strongly for a cause that it can be overwhelming. This strength of emotion is actually your ally once you learn to harness it correctly. Take some time every day for meditation, deep breathing and Boy Meets World reruns.

Stooks Proverb: Love is blind. So is Stevie Wonder.

Labels: stooksoscope

Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern's lawyers have been talking about a settlement. TMZ says Stern's lawyers may have nabbed a Styrofoam cup from Birkhead during the "who gets the body" case. They're speculating that Stern's lawyers tested it for DNA and found out Larry is the father.


Sources "close to" the Britney situation say it looks like Kevin Federline wants to give their marriage a second shot. Not that she's officially in his league, it might be doable.

Daniel Baldwin says he ran into Britney Spears and told her "Don't drink. Don't use." Ouch, first Courtney Love likes your bald head, now this.


Paula Abdul and Courtney Love went to Paris Hilton's birthday party.

However, the guy who called Lohan a "firecrotch" managed to scare them both away, along with other guests. Paris cried. Human tears.


Jennifer Hudson joins Kelly Clarkson as an ungracious American Idol graduate. She didn't thank Idol during her Oscar speech, and barely mentioned them backstage as being part of her "trials and tribulations."


James Blunt and his supermodel girlfriend drove over the leg of some autograph-seeker. It was likely an accident. James Blunt doesn't see the big deal, as someone drives over his crotch every time he has to hit the high note in "You're Beautiful."

Labels: stooks scoop

"Look like Joey Greco on purpose?" (2:44)

Birds in Wal-Mart 1 (5:35)

Birds in Wal-Mart 2 (3:28)

Jeri Anne's disgusting visual (3:03)

Oscars: Defining J-Lo (1:00)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Figure out what you want, because there's a good chance that you'll get it. Who would’ve thought that a greeter collapsing at Wal-Mart would cause the perfect distraction for stealing condoms.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

So things look a certain way, but does that necessarily reflect the entire truth of the situation? Have you learned nothing from Magic Eye?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You're a genius when it comes to social arrangements. Your secret? Yahtzee.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Brush up on your listening skills, because the universe has a message: brush up on your teeth-brushing skills. You could feed a small Indonesian village with what’s buried in your gums.

Stooks Proverb: Take a hair of the dog that bit you. If you were Mel Gibson, you’d have a full fur coat by now.

Labels: stooksoscope

Kevin Federline visited Britney Spears in rehab.

Courtney Love thinks Britney's head shaving was pretty cool. When Courtney Love appreciates something you do, that's your cue to get into rehab.


American Idol contestant Antonella Barba is neck-and-neck with Britney Spears on Internet searches. Pictures of Antonella on the toilet, fake-lesbianing, and boob-profiling seem to be helping.

With a simple two fisted grab, Tyra proved that American Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee's boobs are real. The only thing that would've made it hotter would be if Donahue took Tyra's place.

If American Idol weren't a damaging enough experience to the tens of thousands of rejects, enjoy American Idol Summer camp.


CBS wants to hire Anna Nicole's corpse judge for a regular segment on The Early Show. The segment would be called "Morning Justice" and will run from 8:20am-a week and a half later.


Donald Trump tried to stop pregnant Access Hollywood host Nancy O'Dell from hosting the Miss USA pageant next month, but NBC overruled him. Trump doesn't like the idea of a pregnant woman hosting the show.


Rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopting from Vietnam don't seem to be true. But all this Britney-Anna distraction could help them sneak an adoption in sometime.


The FCC is fining Spanish channel Univision $24 million for not carrying the required three hours of education programming aimed at children. They're trying to trick the FCC into thinking the soap operas are educational, but it doesn't seem to be taking. I'm not joking.

Labels: stooks scoop

PETA vs K-State (3:48)

Stooks in the Morning, M.D. (3:09)

Name Thief (1:52)

Obama vs Clinton (2:55)

"I'm with PETA" (3:55)

Taken advantage of (2:05)

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone wants to tell you something, but you're on sensory overload. If you can find a rhythm with all your multitasking, you'll be able to hear what they have to tell you. If that doesn’t work, it might be time for Miracle Ear.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Are you ready to do the right thing? If you have the courage of your convictions, your gamble may pay off in more ways than you can imagine: free drinks and a comp room if you lose enough.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Sweating out your frustrations isn't just good for your body, it's great for your heart and soul too. Unfortunately, your pungent odor, combined with your hatred of showers may cost you your next job opportunity.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It's so sweet when everything just falls right into place. Your hard work pays off, and your sparkling, effortless charm speaks to all the right people. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back -- you deserve it. Can’t get your hand to reach your back? You probably don’t deserve the pat, after all.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a book by its cover, but by its flammability. You’ll need it for your Emergency S’more Kit.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears is in rehab for the third time in the last week. She went back to stop Kevin Federline's motion for an emergency custody hearing.

Former potential nannies for Britney say she made it clear she wanted a nanny who was cool with her being naked all the time. That explains it. Her vagina must've gotten caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Anna Nicole sent a message to Britney six months before Anna died, looking for friendship. It didn't pan out. So, Anna could've taken Britney with her? Damn.


Bobby Trendy, Anna Nicole's former interior designer, hopes Larry Birkhead is the baby daddy because he's hotter than Howard K. Stern.


Grey's Anatomy homophobe Isaiah Washington says he won't be killed off the show, because the show wants to give people what they want: crappy writing and tension between actors.


Thanks to Power Hits afternoon host Matt McBain for pointing me to this story on the Wii at nursing homes. The picture is more important than the story.

Labels: stooks scoop

Britney's anti-drug message (2:27)

Hell is a laundromat 1 (5:17)

Hell is a laundromat 2 (2:35)

Hell is a laundromat 3 (3:08)

Hell is a laundromat 4 (1:15)

Hell is a laundromat 5 (4:12)

High Lady on bald women (3:24)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You? Making an argument for the tried-and-true? What the heck is going on? There's nothing more innovative than embracing tradition, especially when it works. And wearing a Hasselhoff wig while sifting through your archive of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch” tapes couldn’t work any better.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

When you push too hard to make something happen, it never turns out exactly the way you think it would. Try Ex-Lax or an order of Pintos and Cheese instead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Loyalty is always a big concern with you. You know exactly what you'd do for a loved one, but suddenly you're not sure about their agenda. Is Yoga at 6 or 6:30? Or was it Pilates. Damn. Either way, you’re pretty sure the one you swoon for has a thing for their instructor, Cilantro.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Hang on tight to that idea. It's good, so don't let anyone else tell you differently. It's just its time hasn't quite arrived yet. But one day, people will praise your groundbreaking work on Ziplock for Human Heads.

Stooks Proverb: Throw enough dirt, and some will stick. Throw enough dirt at a buttered-up Louie Anderson, and most will stick.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney is out of a one-day rehab stint again, and even tried to get another tattoo on her way home. I'm telling you, those eyebrows are coming off.

It looks like Kevin Federline may be behind Britney's rehab and baldness, after all. Several sources say he threatened to get a hair sample to prove exactly what's been flowing through her veins.

Britney haters, pushed over the edge by her bald head, have been flooding the child services hotline in California.

It's not clear why, but Britney Spears has hired Mel Gibson's lawyer. I smell a drunken, anti-Semitic tirade coming.


It looks like Michael Jackson may seriously be considering a permanent freakshow in Vegas, asking Prince for some pointers.


Tom Brady's current supermodel girlfriend isn't letting his pregnant ex get him down. TMZ says she still wants to get married, and so does Tom.


Lindsay Lohan was spotted leaving a hotel with Steve-O. Maybe he's helping her with her substance problems?


Rosie O'Donnell couldn't crack a natural smile if her life depended on it:



Daniel Baldwin says he's innocent, and the fact that he's currently driving the alleged stolen car proves it. He then went off on how much he pays in taxes. I didn't know he made any money to be taxed, or had any money to pay any taxes.


Heather Mills will be on Dancing with the Stars when it starts back up in March. That's just cruel.


Ruben Studdard is telling kids to stay fit and not end up like him. He's lost 100 pounds, but he still has traces of Justin Guarini in his lower intestine.


J. Lo will perform on the April 11th American Idol. I guess they're sick of record-high ratings.

Labels: stooks scoop

Seacrest and Cowell's one night stand (2:39)

Shaved Head Attractiveness 1 (3:27)

Shaved Head Attractiveness 2 (4:13)

Shaved Head Attractiveness 3 (4:58)

Shaved Head Attractiveness 4 (5:26)

Shaved Head Attractiveness 5 (1:17)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Life's too short to pretend, unless you’re pretending to be Superman. That’s fun.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Are you paying attention? Some good news has landed in your lap. Make sure you tip when she’s done.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

The temptation to label things as good or bad is strong, but stop yourself from jumping to conclusions. Something you think is terrible could turn out to be beneficial. Hint: it’s not the series finale of Seinfeld. It sucked.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

There's nothing as satisfying as making a house of cards and then knocking it over and starting with a fresh deck. Okay, there’s one thing more satisfying: an afternoon with Dennis Franz.

Stooks Proverb: Beggars can’t be choosers. Unless they’ve got discards from both Original and Extra Tasty Crispy buckets of KFC.

Labels: stooksoscope

The salon where Britney chopped her hair off thinks it was a publicity stunt. Seals everywhere have been barking their approval ever since.


Donald Trump may become Britney's twin after Wrestlemania April 1st. He and Vince McMahon will each pick a wrestler. The loser gets his head shaved. I expect to see Brutus the Barber Beefcake for this.



During a break in the "who gets Anna Nicole's body" trial, Howard K. Stern received a subpoena for his DNA in Larry Birkhead's paternity suit. Stern's lawyers said "no fair!"

Great news: the Anna Nicole judge dreams of his own court show on TV. He's no Ito.

Feel bad for Anna Nicole's corpse? This should make you feel better: James Brown finally gets buried. Hopefully no one lights a match close to his body before they get him in the ground.


Nicole Richie pleaded "not guilty" to DUI.


Lindsay Lohan seems sober.


A judge has ordered O.J. Simpson to turn over his book earnings to the Goldman family. Or use it for golf.

Labels: stooks scoop

Why Blackout Bramlage? 1 (2:58)

Why Blackout Bramlage? 2 (2:59)

Why Blackout Bramlage? 3 (2:01)

Why Blackout Bramlage? 4 (1:25)

Why Blackout Bramlage? 5 (1:35)

Breaking up in front of 3000 people (3:26)

President's Day (3:41)

True mustache fans (1:16)

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You're at the center of it all, especially when you take the first step. You're surprised to see how many people respond to your actions, but you shouldn't be. You can clear the room thanks to the Chicken-Fried Steak and Eggs after a hangover breakfast at the Village Inn.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sometimes you don't understand how or where these impulses pop up in your life. If you're tired of thoughtless and repeated actions, it's time to look for the divine lesson behind them. Don’t worry. “Oral fixation” isn’t as bad as it sounds.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Sometimes you wonder why others feel the need to go to extremes. Now you have the answer. Some strong cosmic impulses are pushing you to your limits, and to your surprise, you love it. Enjoy this energy. Once you crash, you’ll never be able to watch Power Rangers DinoThunder again.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

What attracts you? What makes you involved, active and happy? Exploring possible answers helps you design your own fate. So figure out what you want your future to look like and then point yourself in that direction. Or find the elderly woman with the “How may I help you?” vest.

Stooks Proverb: You only live once. And if you’re Bob Barker, you never die.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears lied to a photographer before she got her haircut. He told her he liked her new brown hair. She said "Thanks, I think I'm going to keep it this way."

OMFG! Separated at birth:



Britney's wearing a blonde wig to cover up her baldness. I can't even tell it's a wig!



Britney's mom is on a mission to get Britney back on track. I'm guessing a call to Federline should do the trick.


Rosie has a haiku invitation for Britney to come live with her family. Shaving your head will only get the lesbians more riled up for you, Brit.


Paris Hilton's taking some flack for red blotches on her chest and a sloppy makeup job over the weekend. She does still have hair, though.


Bridget Moynahan says Tom Brady is the baby daddy of her unborn child.

Labels: stooks scoop

High Lady on President's Day (5:21)

Jeri Anne: Old Cowboy Tease 1 (4:50)

Jeri Anne: Old Cowboy Tease 2 (3:00)

Jeri Anne: Old Cowboy Tease 3 (1:18)

Jeri Anne: Old Cowboy Tease 4 (5:21)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Knowing what you want is an important first step, but keep reminding yourself that in order to get this off the ground, there are many steps along the way. Start with changing your diaper.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You want to get this party started -- you think. It's hard to decide, really. If you need company, why not have a low-key get-together at your house or a neighborhood coffee shop? The company of friends will lift your spirits. The tenth cup of cappuccino will dislodge that half chimichanga in your lower intestine from six months ago.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Getting the life you deserve is actually a straightforward process. Step 1: Get your Welfare check. Step 2: Cash it. Step 3: Buy Lottery tickets.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

When it comes to your aspirations, you need to dream bigger. When it comes to material goods, it’s the opposite situation. Sometimes you have to trade in those dreams of a little red Corvette for a little red whatever-the-hell Screech is driving these days. Probably an El Camino with the flatbed filled with Ex Lax.

Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine? Screw that. Robitussin is.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears checked into rehab for one day, got all better, added some tats and went bald. Let's see Anna Nicole's corpse top that!

At the tattoo parlor, Britney explained that she shaved her head because she was sick of people touching her. I thought she got confused where her vagina was, but this makes more sense.


Without naming her, Justin Timberlake called out Britney Spears at the Brit Awards Wednesday night. "Everyone have a great night. Stop drinking! You know who you are. I'm speaking to you. You are going to get sloppy." The message didn't get through.


Sylvester Stallone couldn't have debuted his mullet at a better time. He's allegedly sporting the "do" in preparation for Rambo IV.



Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz were caught making "non-touching nice" at a hotel bar in Hollywood.


Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas has made the mistake of thinking Michael Jackson will pay him after they're done working on Michael's new CD. If Michael ends up paying, I'm guessing it will be in the form of the love he shows a child: free rides!


The View says everything's cool and no one's going anywhere.


The inventor of the TV remote is dead. Think about that when you're oiling up your remote with Dorrito crumbs.

Labels: stooks scoop

Peanut Butter of Death (2:05)

UFOs (2:51)

Another baby daddy? (2:01)

Skiing advice (3:26)

Canine Justice 1 (4:15)

Canine Justice 2 (4:33)

Seeking: MySpace Stalker (3:44)

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Everybody needs some silly nonsense in his or her life. Your spirit could do with a little refreshment, so do something you haven't done in a while. Give your spirit some Orbitz to chew on.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

The strangest things pop out of your mouth when you're not thinking. Maybe you should brush your teeth to avoid such large tartar particles.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It's time to go your own way. Secretly, you know what's really important to you, but you're also very aware of what 'other people' think about your pension for egging the doors of nursing home residents.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Here you thought you'd already paid that person back, but now they're popping into your life again. Be honest with yourself and them. Who would’ve thought getting tied up with the mob would be such a bad idea?

Stooks Proverb: Things aren’t always what they seem, especially if you’re on the same stuff as Paula Abdul.

Labels: stooksoscope

A man convicted of making terrorist threats against Anna Nicole Smith has sent a letter to the tabloids saying he could be the baby daddy as Anna took a sperm sample from them when they dated. Odder: the letter looks to have been written in crayon.

Two years ago, Anna Nicole and Howard K. Stern pitched a reality show focusing on Anna's search for a husband. If only the networks said "yes," we might be able to watch her gruesome demise on E! Dammit.

A Florida judge wants enough DNA from Anna Nicole to counter a "baby switching plot." I hope the soap writers are all taking notes of this whole thing.

Former Anna fashion consultant Bobby Trendy says Anna Nicole, and her genitals, will be missed.


Despite attending his wedding, Jim Carey says Tom Cruise was "the big joke" of last year. At least Tom didn't have to die to get the distinction.


It's about time: news from the "astronauts are psycho" scandal. One of her plans was to bury the other astronaut alive.


A Paris Hilton autograph appearance at a mall in Vienna, Austria, ended after fans through a variety of objects on stage. They threw lipstick, tissues and cigarettes. No viles of penicillin, though.


Donald Trump is the new K-Fed, as he has an ongoing, on-screen feud with the WWE's Vince McMahon. You don't want to see Donald's "Rosie gut buster, " Mr. McMahon.


Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards spent Valentine's together with their two girls. Kinky reunion.


Heather Mills McCartney must not be planning on getting much from Paul in the divorce. She was caught at a flea market bargaining for second-hand electronics. Mainstream stores wanted an arm and a leg, and she only had one to give.


TMZ.com has finally helped me put my finger on John Mayer's new look, asking viewers if they notice the resemblance to Edward Scissorhands.

Labels: stooks scoop

Sharing crib notes 1 (3:29)

Sharing crib notes 2 (0:59)

I got on American Idol, you can be my bodyguard (4:50).

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Why not give yourself the gift of care and attention? Once you do, you'll see why no one else wants to.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Happiness is a state of mind. It's not dictated by outward circumstances or an outward belly button.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Everyone always expects you to stick with the tried-and-true, but you have more tricks up your sleeve than they realize. Isn’t it great having smelly armpits?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Free your mind of its limits and constraints. You'll be delighted by the concepts that come up. When you're talking about them with other people, use friendly similes -- you'll find they'll grasp the essentials quicker better than when you use your “something smells” face.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know, can’t hurt you. That’s why you should continue to keep your tail a secret.

Labels: stooksoscope

Anna Nicole's nanny says Anna Nicole underfed her Dannielynn so her baby would be "sexy." Just as long as she didn't violate her TRIMSPA contract by giving the baby Slimfast, I'm cool.

One of Anna Nicole's doctor friends prescribed Methadone to Anna Nicole through a false name while she was eight months pregnant. If I find out he's behind the Worcester sauce in her fridge, I'm going f'n ballistic.

The courts have decided to release Anna Nicole's body, but they don't know who her legal next of kin is. David Gest?

Labels: stooks scoop

Fat Anna Nicole wouldn't get this kind of respect (5:37)

How to kill Valentine's 1 (3:35)

How to kill Valentine's 2 (3:30)

How to kill Valentine's 3 (4:02)

How to kill Valentine's 4 (3:41)

How to kill Valentine's 5 (1:11)

High Lady Valentine wish (4:40)

Anna Nicole and Omaha Steaks in the same dry ice! (2:35)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Slow and steady does the trick. In fact, it gets you to the top of the mountain. Whew! Yet after all that effort, you're not even winded. Barry Bonds sure hooked you up. Unfortunately, he didn’t give you the ability to explain away the now-watermelon-like object sitting on your neck.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

An unusual idea about your home occurs to you. This will either revolutionize your life or make things much more confusing -- possibly both at the same time. That’s what happens when you install a hidden camera in your bathroom before you host a total sausage fest.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Ever been signed up for an annoying magazine subscription? Luckily, you can always cancel it. But you can’t always hunt down and punish the clown who tricked you into buying it at your front door.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Biting off more than you can chew is sure to give you a stomachache. That and more in Mike Tyson’s new book: The Art of Cannibalism.

Stooks Proverb: Two heads are better than one. Actually, two-headed people usually have a rough time of it. Don’t envy them.

Labels: stooksoscope

Anna Nicole is involved in a new custody suit: the one for her body. Her mom wants to bury Anna Nicole, but two court orders prevent her body from getting out of the fridge.

One of Anna Nicole's bodyguards says he could be the baby daddy. At this point, don't you need to have some kind of serious crotch rot to be in contention as the father?

A TRIMSPA executive says Anna Nicole would be in trouble for having Slim-Fast in her refrigerator, if it weren't for the fact that she's dead. They'll probably keep their bitching to a minimum.


Isaac Cohen is adding to rumors that Britney and him dated to make K-Fed jealous. I guess a new boyfriend is the next step to making an ex jealous, just after putting your vagina in every paper he flips through for the pictures.


Rumors place Michael Jackson as a guest and mentor for a week on American Idol. Aren't those kids a little too old to be working with Michael?


The least freaky Olson twin is responsible for the least freaky Olson twin photo in the last year, and it's still a bit odd. She's doing some kind of weird exercise routine.



Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie did an advertising shoot together at a jewelry store in Beverly Hills Monday. It's not clear how many hours it took to decontaminate the store after their departure.

Ivanka Trump is sick of comparisons to Paris Hilton. Ivanka says she works hard for her money, including 13-hour days. Paris just needs 10 minutes and an ever-decreasing amount of KY.


Vince Vaughn attended Jennifer Aniston's 38th birthday party. Was he looking to inspect her new nose before passing on her again?


For some reason, Diddy was yelling at Naomi Campbell at a Grammy party. Even more shocking: she didn't throw a Blackberry at him.


TurboTax has hired Vanilla Ice to promote their software. When K-Fed's too expensive, there's always Vanilla Ice.

Labels: stooks scoop

Newsman Dewey: Predator (1:09)

Two Percent Body Fat (1:52)

Viewer Mail Roundup (5:04)

Time to Draw and Quarter a Groundhog (2:19)

The Anna Nicole Incest Theory (0:57)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

If anyone knows how to go the distance, it's you. People marvel at your stamina, and it's true -- right now you feel like you could go on forever. Just don’t forget the Fire Sauce. You tend to do that when inebriated.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

The little details have a way of piling up. One by one, they're not so bad, but when they clump up, they can throw a real monkey wrench into your plans. Maybe you should start flushing the toilet at least once every three trips.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Put your people skills to work. When it comes to talking to higher-ups, you know how to get the truth across in the most effective way: nude hand puppets.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Be your own personal entourage. Act as your own manager, agent and press person. If you get out there, you can truly make a difference. This will be especially convenient taking into account your complete lack of friends.

Stooks Proverb: Teachers open the doors, but you must enter them yourself. Unless the teacher is Paris Hilton. Then, you should enter with your friend Trojan.

Labels: stooksoscope

Howard K. Stern may be getting $1 million for his interview with Entertainment Tonight.

Police in the Bahamas reinterviewed Stern Monday morning about the death of Anna Nicole's son.

Nothing like dying to get people working on your legal problems. A newspaper in the Bahamas published these photos of Anna Nicole and the Bahamas' immigration minister.



Britney Spears partied so hard she puked all over her car this weekend. Should've gone with the soft tacos.


Paris BFF Kim Kardashian may have had her sex tape partner tossed out of pre-Grammy party she hosted.


John Mayer's hands victimized Jessica Simpson's various PG bodyparts at the Grammys.

Labels: stooks scoop

"Grammy Roundup" (4:23)

Rita Cosby has an exclusive with Poof Poof, a potential Anna Nicole Baby Daddy (4:18).

The Anna Nicole Tragedy? 1 (5:54)

The Anna Nicole Tragedy? 2 (5:08)

The Anna Nicole Tragedy? 3 (1:50)

The Naked Gun 33 1/3 Curse (4:18)

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Sometimes, quitting while you're ahead is actually the best thing you can do to ensure your future progress. In other words, quit “Rock, Paper, Scissors” the second you’re up.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Working hard or hardly working? Actually, while others think you're having fun, you're actually working. Your brain functions better when your heart and soul are in the enviable state known as flow, unlike your friend Sarah’s notoriously unenviable state of flow.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Have you ever stood too close to a painting or a photograph? Here you thought you were looking at a drop of rain, but when you back up, you realize it's the entire ocean. Take that perspective on your life now. Warning: it’s a little tough to walk with your eyes in “Magic Eye” mode.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

There's nothing you love more than rooting for the underdog. You're even happier when you see a way to help them get to the top of the heap. Do you have that many kidney punches in you?

Stooks Proverb: Bad news travels fast, failing to explain the spread of the Anna Nicole Smith news.

Labels: stooksoscope

Inside Anna Nicole's Refrigerator of Death: Slimfast, yogurt and methadone. I guess we can rule out "spoiled methadone" as a cause of death.

Recent plastic surgery may have killed her, instead. Queen of Anna Nicole Knowledge Rita Cosby says Anna Nicole had her boobs redone.

Howard K. Stern is mourning, but happy to take cash for interviews, if you've got it.

Anna Nicole's baby daddy could be Howard, Larry Birkhead, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband or even her old dead husband, thanks to frozen sperm.

Labels: stooks scoop

Stooks Voicemail: LOST Theory (1:33)

Putting up with your gassy friend (0:49)

Missing Anna Nicole's cans (3:32)

Don't steal this guy's stuff out of the nursing home (1:54)

Septum Girl (2:53)

Anna Nicole murdered? (2:16)

Oh. The old man did die before Anna Nicole? (3:57)

What do I get my boyfriend for Valentines? (3:58)

But I was Anna Nicole for Halloween! (2:47)

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

The how and why of your behavior is a constantly evolving mystery. It seems like the more you delve into your psyche, the more layers and secrets you find. That's all part of the fun, until you find the layer with your grandma’s inappropriate touching. Surely she knew how granny skin degrades Playdough.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Business is practically your middle name. Just be happy it isn’t Nouvel.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You need to have a balance between rules and freedom, structure and inspiration. The stars say to check in with yourself regularly to make sure you haven't had too much of one and not enough of the other in your life. The stars also recommend checking into the walk-in clinic for that rash.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Remember that if you start out by seeing only limitation, that's very likely what you'll receive. It's time to give yourself room to grow and expand. Ask Rosie where she buys her clothes.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t cross the bridge until you get to it. Don’t throw bodies off it until you get the “all clear” from your lookouts.

Labels: stooksoscope

Anna Nicole Smith collapsed and died at the Hardrock Motel in Florida. Nothing makes you feel bad about making fun of and/or suing someone than them dying on you. She was 39.


No hard feelings between Britney Spears and male model Isaac Cohen. Now they're saying he ended the relationship because their schedules never line up.

Britney's not wasting time, having been linked to JC Chasez and whoever's hand is in this picture. And she's not a lesbian.


Britney Spears and Paris Hilton both canceled appearances at Fashion Week to avoid running into each other. Paris is sick of asking for her Valtrex back.


Nicole Richie told Paris she's scared of going to jail for her second DUI arrest. Paris told her everything was going to be fine. Then Paris took steel wool to her own vagina.


You won't see Paris BFF Kim Kardashian get peed on after all. The porn company says that scene won't be in the release.


Justin Timberlake has started performing his "Dick in a Box" routine on stage.


Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow were caught hanging out at one of their favorite restaurants.


Jessica Simpson's new brown hair made it easy for her to go unnoticed by cameras the other night. Or maybe they realized she was Jessica Simpson and no longer worth wasting film on.

Labels: stooks scoop

Jeri Anne has an old woman story! (4:14)

The Old Woman is mad at Jeri Anne (3:10)

"How the teens are cheating in school" 1 (4:43)

"How the teens are cheating in school" 2 (0:52)

Stooks warns Jeri Anne about stalkers. (2:51)

Jeri Anne thinks American Idol is rigged...as a makeover show! (3:50)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Honesty is definitely the best policy in this situation. Expect some bewildered looks as you explain why you felt the need to run through Aggieville wearing only a liberal amount of brownie batter.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Your surface is bright and sparkly, but underneath there are some cigarette burns on your interior.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Sometimes staying stuck can feel safer than making a change, even when you know the change would be better for you. Just noticing that is a good start. Real movement often starts slowly. You’ll be a circus clown assistant before you know it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A once-in-a-lifetime connection is possible -- if you open up. That may be tough today, as you're feeling a little more vulnerable than usual. Go slowly and remember that there's a divine lesson in all of this: you can’t dig up Wilford Brimley’s grave until he’s dead.

Stooks Proverb: There’s more than one way to skin a cat. But if you want to make clothing out of it, consult J. Lo.

Labels: stooksoscope

Miss USA returned to work for Donald Trump Tuesday. She's modeling for his new catering company. She won't comment on the Donald-Rosie feud, but you have to imagine Rosie is steamed about Trump moving in on her territory: food.


Check out Britney's new hat.

Labels: stooks scoop

Psycho like a NASA chick 1 (4:08)

Psycho like a NASA chick 2 (2:00)

Psycho like a NASA chick 3 (4:54)

American Idol Roundup - Simon and Randy fight over a hot 16 year old, reject a chick for her face, and why you should never shake Paula's hand (5:46).

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Striking up a conversation is like playing music with someone: you have to allow yourself to get into the rhythm. Sure, there'll be some fits and starts, but hang in there. After a while, you two will find your groove. Although, onlookers might think you’re a bit off for gyrating during a conversation about Scrabble strategies.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You're interested in esoteric and intellectual matters, so it's time to seek out like-minded, stimulating company. New people bring you new realizations, especially when it comes to the larger questions in life, like “Why are pit stains frowned upon?”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A key conversation could go off the rails unless you exercise the right touch. One hint: it’s not a Tune-in Tokyo, also known as a Purple Nurple.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Every problem contains the seeds for its own solution. Clear your mental, emotional and psychic space and you'll see very soon how this situation can turn out for the best. Try meditation, yoga or attacking a Louie Anderson piñata. Or just attack Louie himself, as he is also filled with candy.

Stooks Proverb: Barking dogs seldom bite, but their white trash owners usually do. Luckily, they're not all that toothy.

Labels: stooksoscope

Anna Nicole and TRIMSPA are being sued. TRIMSPA for being bogus. Anna Nicole for pitching it and making it look like you could totally catch a buzz using it.


Mike Tyson is at the same rehab facility as Lindsay Lohan. She's still the worse resident, somehow.


Tom Cruise has been talking to Ben Stiller about doing "The Hardy Men" together. After their done with that, maybe they could try doing a movie about grownup versions of "The Hardy Boys."


Paris Hilton will be at the upscale Vienna's Opera Ball next week. After leaving, a new STD strain known as Paris Opera Ball will emerge.


Scarlet Johannson and Justin Timberlake spent the weekend partying at the Super Bowl. Justin's spent the days since applying ointment.


O.J. Simpson says there were some inaccuracies in "how I would have done things" in his unreleased book, "If I Did It." I would start with the word "If."


Miss USA and Miss Teen USA shared a runway this weekend. No word whether they shared each others' runways again.


Kevin Federline looks far less annoying when he hangs out with Steve-O.


There's a warrant out for Daniel Baldwin. He failed to appear for car theft charges and behavior unbecoming a Baldwin.


Cuba Gooding Jr. has dropped the N-word twice in the last two weeks. Racist. If he weren't black, I'd say he was just like Michael Richards.


Who knew astronauts had such a soap opera-like flair for the dramatic? One female astronaut, who was in space a year ago, stalked another female astronaut over some Navy Commander. She even sprayed some mace into the woman's car. Astronaut cat fight. Nice.

Labels: stooks scoop

Bill Clinton's speaking at K-State March 2nd.

The Iraqi woman's concerned (3:03)

"We need to prepare" (1:52)

"Women can't resist his allure" (3:55)


Deviated septums (0:32)

The High Lady's new posse wants Stooks to strap it on? (4:13)

Idiot dogs and their idiot owners (4:25)

Labels: high lady, show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

An odd duck just needs you to make way for them so they can feel at home. You're just the ambassador who can translate his or her strangeness for the people. Not everyone will know that this person fanning their armpits is a sign of endearment.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

If you're in the vicinity, a good time is pretty much guaranteed. You're so delightful -- is it any wonder that people just want to be where you are? You're especially good at getting shy types to join in on the fun. Remember: non-toxic glue won’t work.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Is someone hovering over your shoulder, questioning every statement you make and action you take? Is that someone actually yourself? They have medicine and psych clinics for that.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've got a million people to talk to, and you're not sure which one to call first. Take a breath. Then, get a pen and paper and make a list of priorities, or a paper airplane.

Stooks Proverb: The journey is the reward. The syphilis is the side effect.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears spent the weekend at Fashion Week, observing...not vagina flashing.


They didn't catch her drinking, but TMZ.com found Lindsay Lohan barhopping with Paris Hilton this weekend.


I'm not sure why we needed confirmation on this, but Ron Jeremy says he did indeed show his schlong to Paris Hilton.


An Israeli-Palestinian peace group is trying to get Rosie and Trump to come to their gala to put their differences behind them. Or at least build a fence.


Katie Holmes was caught wearing Granny panties.

Jennifer Aniston's nose job is now being explained away as a fix for a deviated septum. But what will fix her deviated heart?


Kiefer Sutherland admits he is friends with Andy Dick. Move over, Miss USA!


Jessica Simpson as the designated driver sounds pretty frightening.

By the way, it looks like Jessica is set to ruin Christina Aguilera with her friendship.

And Jessica was a little hurt when Nick started dating within three weeks of their breakup.


Chris Tucker's making $25 million for Rush Hour 3. That's annoying to me.

Labels: stooks scoop

This year's Super Bowl controversy (3:07)

Fighting over the Super Bowl (4:47)

Lonely Super Bowl (0:43)

Super Bowl: Women know stuff, too! (2:18)

Jeri Anne kills an old woman? (3:15)

"So drunk, I almost fell down the stairs. So, I drove home." (1:34)

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Hmmm. Why do you keep running into you-know-who? Taking it nice and easy helps you see how a new person can fit into your life. Time to un-retire your Pog collection.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

The stars go out of their way to make sure the channels of communication are crystal clear. So go ahead and talk. It's easy to tell your nearest and dearest what's in your heart right now: KFC.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It's time for more hugs, more kisses, more friendly, flirty conversation -- you've got so much fantastic social energy in your astrological sphere, it would be a crime to keep it at home. What are you waiting for? Oh, that’s right. The sores.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The decision-making process got you a little down? Getting other people's opinions seems like it would be helpful, but the white noise might just confuse you. And your stench might affect their decision.

Stooks Proverb: True love never grows old. It just gets high plastic surgery bills.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears has been wearing her boyfriend's Star of David necklace, leading some to speculate on a conversion to Judaism. She likes the word "kosher."

Kevin Federline demanded a room upgrade in Miami for the Super Bowl. He said his hotel room wasn't big enough for all his women. He would also need an industrial strength air pump for all his women.

Kevin even got to go to Lebron James' Super Bowl party. No word on if he brought queso or reefer.

K-Fed's friends say Britney's been calling Kevin, trying to get back together with him. Kevin's friends also say Kevin is the most popular rapper in the country. They are also high.


Katie Holmes says she loves calling Tom Cruise her husband. She also likes being locked in a room 23 hours a day.


Justin Timberlake will host the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards at the end of March. Maybe he'll perform and rip the crotch out of Spongebob's square pants.


Paris' current BFF, Kim Kardashian, admits the existence of a sex tape. However, she says it won't be released. It features her and Brandy's brother, who doesn't go around slamming his car into people.

Meanwhile, a judge has blocked ParisExposed.com, a website that's somehow managed to find even more slutty information on Paris, including medical records.


Tupperware through Tori Spelling's baby shower. I'm as confused as you.


David Spade and Heather Locklear aren't together anymore. But it'll be years before his taint wears off Heather Locklear.

Labels: stooks scoop

Experimenting with guinea pigs (1:53)

Shawls, landlords and global warming (4:51)

Courtney Love (2:23)

Where's that Matt Stooks fellow? (3:05)

Drawn, quartered, and tips for Jeri Anne (2:46)

How minimum wage will kill the dollar menu (3:10)

Where can I stare at Jeri Anne? (1:51)

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

There's no need to ask where the party is -- the party is wherever you are. Unfortunately, no one ever attends.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A few tasks have fallen by the wayside while you've been concentrating on more important matters: body hair sculpting.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Live life on the flip side. Have your fun during the day. During the night, your brainpower is at its sharpest and can tackle the toughest intellectual tasks, like your 200 piece Snuffleupagus puzzle.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You're like a well-oiled machine or a thoroughbred horse. You smell.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Put some against the side of your 7^th grade gym teacher’s house.

Labels: stooksoscope

Michael Jackson's kids were walking around without masks in Vegas yesterday. Seems like the right place to do it.


Miss USA won't be posing for Playboy. They can probably PhotoShop her various body parts together for something similar, though.


Rather than wear something reasonable, Britney Spears cups her nips to hide them from cameras.


Taco Bell wants Kevin Federline to come work for an hour in one of its stores. Everyone who comes will get free food. Last year, Kevin said his kids would have to work for Taco Bell one day, regardless of how rich they are. Oddly, Kevin may have to work there because of how rich he is.


Courtney Love will not be on American Idol in any way. One of her vomit piles was scheduled to make an appearance during the Seattle tapings, but ended up on the cutting room floor.


Lindsay Lohan has opted out of a movie role so she can focus on taking frequent breaks from rehab.


I don't think Bob Saget looks like that proud of a TV Father in this picture.

Labels: stooks scoop

Flaming mail truck 1 (2:38)

Flaming mail truck 2 (2:33)

Ugly dudes get with hot chicks, but not vice versa 1 (6:10)

Ugly dudes get with hot chicks, but not vice versa 2 (4:12)

Ugly dudes get with hot chicks, but not vice versa 3 (4:23)

Ugly dudes get with hot chicks, but not vice versa 4 (0:29)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Your spirits need a boost. It's time to take yourself out. You can go solo or not, but it's important to get out there and have a fantastic time. Beware of yelling “weeeee!” while riding the Farris wheel alone.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Things can get heated on the work front. You know it's time for your star to shine, but someone else may not be in total accordance. Install a trip wire in their office.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Doing the right thing is a constant theme in your life. It's time to let your personal star shine brightly, and take out anyone who stands in your way, even if it’s Paul Reiser.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your audience just loves it when you keep them guessing. Heck, you're starting to get pretty fond of it yourself. When you have no expectations, oftentimes you end up surprising yourself with the results. But do you really need to use monkey feces for your abstract art?

Stooks Proverb: To err is human. To suck blood out of people’s necks is vampire.

Labels: stooksoscope