Do I know you?

I went to Old Chicago for a couple of drinks tonight. I got busted in a “Do I know her?” stare.

We were sitting at the bar, and a red head moved into my peripheral vision. I glanced over, and thought I might know her. So I kept staring, even narrowing my eyes to tighten my focus. I inched closer and closer to declaring her an acquaintance. Just then, she looked over and caught me in my squinty stare. That’s when I realized I had no clue who she was, and she likely guessed I was just some creep who tries to squint his way into girls’ pants. Not a bad guess.

People’s Sexiest Fan Alive

Check out the losers on People’s Sexiest Fan Alive. Of course, the Red Sox fan is in first place.

Here’s my write-in choice:


Disqualified for choosing the Quaker Oats as his team

By the way, I’ve been informed that Wilford Brimley could eventually infringe on Chuck Norris as most-used crutch for jokes. So you know, I’ve been making fun of Wilford Brimley since before his appearance as Jean Claude Van Damme’s uncle in the hit movie Hard Target, a 1993 film. So, eat that.

I’m not banging your daughter

I got a couple of weird phone calls this morning.

First, a woman called looking for Famous Dave’s. Ten minutes later, a man called, also looking for Famous Dave’s.

I told both they had the wrong number. Then, I get a call from the dude’s number again. I was sitting at the DMV by this point, so I just thought “WTF,” and let it go to voicemail. He called again a couple of minutes later. I ignored again, as I don’t want to explain that I am not Famous Dave while I’m waiting for the digitized voice at the DMV to call my number.

As I’m leaving the parking lot, the guy called for the fourth time. This time I answered with an annoyed “hello?”

“Hi, Matt?” (I’d answered the phone on his first call with “This is Matt,” since I didn’t recognize the number)

“Yes?”

“Is Rachel around?”

“Rachel? I think you have the wrong number. Aren’t you the same guy who called me looking for Famous Dave’s?”

“Yes. Do you know Rachel?”

“I don’t know any Rachel. Who’s Rachel?”

“She’s my daughter.”

“Well, I don’t know her, (silence), what can I do for you?”

“She told me this was the number for Famous Dave’s.”

“Some girl called me earlier looking for Famous Dave’s, maybe that was Rachel?”

“This number was in her phone, so you must know her,” the douche says, with a tone in his voice indicating that he busted me on something.

“Nope. I don’t know anyone named Rachel. Wish I could help.”

“Oh. Okay. Thanks.”

Well, it turns out that there’s a Famous Dave’s with just one digit different from my phone number. So, when this guy’s sitting in a jail cell, he’ll wish he’d used Google instead of trying to beat the truth out of his daughter while yelling “who the fuck is Matt?”

The DMV

I went to the DMV to get my tags renewed today.

My Corolla was registered in Riley County, and I needed to change it to Johnson, so there wasn’t much I could do to avoid a physical visit to the DMV.

People who go to the DMV have problems. Don’t believe me? Then why is there a Value Store and a Beauty & Dollar Plus on either side? Throw in a liquor store two doors down, and you could spend an entire day/passed out night in the same parking lot.

I was out in 45 minutes, a world record.

Goulet alert!

As of this writing, Robert Goulet lies heavily sedated in a Los Angeles hospital bed, awaiting a lung transplant to avoid a tragic demise at the age of 73.

Yet America, thrilled with California wildfires and Marie Osmond fainting, looks the other way.

By the way, I just can’t get over how ridiculous this whole Marie Osmond fainting thing is! She gets done dancing, jumps up and down a little bit, then hyperventilates for a minute, and then, THUD! She smashes into the floor! The audience laughs. Then, to cap off the hilarity, Bergeron throws to commercial while that stupid judge looks like he’s reacting to a fart!

Stay strong, Goulet. Like you, we would prefer Donny Osmond faint in front of a national TV audience, but we’ll take whatever fainting Osmond we can get.

Free taco!

I’m shocked at the free publicity for Taco Bell’s “Steal a Base, Steal a Taco” promotion (bold mine).

There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series matchup since 1990. When the first base is stolen, the unit of Yum Brands Inc, will announce a Tuesday afternoon when consumers will be able to walk into the chain’s participating 5,800 outlets and ask for a free taco. Anyone who walks into a participating outlet during the give-away period would be eligible for a free taco.

This is not a good deal. I’m just not shit-faced enough on a Tuesday afternoon to appreciate Taco Bell. Even when I’m drunk, Taco Bell is a last resort.

“Nothing else close by when you’re wasted? Go to Taco Bell.”

Hey, Taco Bell! Why haven’t you hired me, yet? I totally owned the drive-thru when I worked at McDonald’s in high school.

Letters: Rate where it is?

The Kansas City Star publishes many letters that make no sense. Here’s one, with my thoughts included:

Rate your life

To determine a proper medical treatment, you may be asked, “On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your pain?” With this information the doctor is better able to help.

Where is my pain on a scale of 1 to 10? I think I need a special map for that one.

Let’s assume the writer meant to say “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you in?” I still don’t think I’ve ever had a doctor say this to me. Besides, if I were there on Level-1 pain, I would hope they’d kick me out of the office and call me a pussy.

With personal satisfaction in mind — looking for a happy and healthy feeling — on a scale of 1 to 10, where is your most satisfying condition?

What are you talking about? On a scale of 1 to 10, where is my most satisfying condition? This still makes no sense. I’m not even sure what this guy is trying to say.

Looking at marriage, family life, work and studies, relationships, use of leisure time, efforts to create a healthy life, hobby enjoyment, reading and studying time, efforts to help others in need, church relationship, meditation times, times for play and joy, etc., could we not improve our lives, and possibly the lives of others, by responding to what we discover on the scale? I believe so.

What do I need to be smoking to follow this?

Doug Sutherland
Raymore

I can’t believe you signed your name to this, Doug. The best of luck to you.

I think Doug got a little too caught up in his point system. I think he meant to say “find what makes you happy, and go do more of it.” Kudos to you, Doug. Great message. Next time, I don’t want to have to eat imported Chinese toys to decipher your brilliance.

My favorite headline today

FDA warns Viagra tied to hearing loss

Viagra and other impotence drugs are about to bear new warnings that users may experience sudden hearing loss.

It’s not clear that the drugs truly trigger hearing loss, but the Food and Drug Administration decided Thursday to add a warning about the possible risk after counting 29 reports of the problem since 1996 among users of this family of medicines.

My take: a four-hour erection has the potential to cause a serious amount of hearing loss.

Dogs in Costumes vs Old People

From the Chicago Tribune:

About 7 percent of dog owners plan to purchase a Halloween costume for their pet this year, up from 4 percent in 2004.

This number seems low. Animals don’t belong in costumes. I used to think dressing up babies in costumes was just as dumb, but at least they’ll grow up to have an appreciation for Halloween. Dogs won’t. They’ll keep trying to paw off some stupid-ass hat, only to have their owner reattach the hat and tighten the string.

Unfortunately, it gets worse.

From the Kansas City Star:

Never seen a dog in a thong? Then you’ve never seen Carol Wells’ dogs dressed up for Halloween. This year her therapy-trained Dalmatians, Carmen and Jonah, are going to be Victoria’s Secret and Joe Boxer, respectively…

When she takes the dogs on their Halloween rounds of hospitals this year, Carmen will wear a thrift-store Victoria’s Secret bra, size 32A, and black lace panties with a hole cut out for her tail. Jonah will be a Chippendale dancer in a pinstripe vest, white collar, black bow tie and black Joe Boxer underwear with fake money tucked into the waistband…

“I do it because it gets a rise out of the people that we visit,” Wells said. “And it’s helpful especially with the seniors to get them to realize what time of year it is.”

So, dressing dogs for her own wicked amusement isn’t enough for Carol Wells. She has to parade the animals around in front of old people who are all hopped up on God knows how many different chemicals, forcing them to further question reality as two scantily clad dalmatians stand before them. You’re sick, Carol. Get some help.


“Kill me.”

RIP: The Fonzie Fix

We went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza to watch the MU and KU games yesterday.

They have touchscreen computers in the booths. You can watch TV, play games or go online. It’s a pretty cool idea. Our particular computer was dicked, though. It wouldn’t let us select any of the options.

They rebooted the machine several times, but it didn’t help. The waitress joked that we should just hit the screen to try to fix it.

At that moment, I realized Fonzie couldn’t fix shit in the digital age.


The Fonz, oblivious to his future irrelevance

Breaking news: Make a poll!

I hate online polls (see here and here).

News broke this morning about the Royals hiring a new manager. So, they had to throw up an online poll. Sadly, Americans are suckers for polls. In an hour and a half, 700 people jumped at the opportunity to cast their meaningless vote.


Screenshot. Clicking will get you nowhere.

This poll is missing an option: “Hope he doesn’t pick his nose on camera. The Royals are going to be in HD next season.”

I can no longer blame media outlets for putting up online polls. Polls drive traffic to websites. We need to focus our efforts on the people who click on these things, justifying their existence.

Karaoke DJ

It’s been too long since I last blogged about karaoke. We went to The Red Balloon last night. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s one of Kansas City’s only bars with karaoke seven days a week.

Surprisingly, the DJ was the only thing that bugged me about the place. He was in the early stages of growing a wizard’s beard, or maybe he was settling on a wizard’s goatee. Every couple of songs he would walk around the seating area, either to smoke or do some coke off the toilet. While walking, he would lip sync to every song on the karaoke. That’s annoying.


Representation of DJ’s wizard’s goatee, not face

"Give me a break!"

Questionable jobs abound on craigslist, but you really have to appreciate scammers like this:

TELL YOU WHAT WE DON’T DO

No lotions, potions, vitamins, or discount Viagra…

No leads to buy…

No inventory to get stuck with…

No friends and family to hit on…

Just the best company, products in the industry…

Come see how our reps. earn $5,000/Week + …

Okay, this description doesn’t exactly scream “legit.” It’s more like a “solve this riddle to figure out exactly how you’ll get screwed and end up interviewed by John Stossel.”

Stock photo of artist rendering Stashless Stossel (Hat Tip: PSA)

RIP: Neanderthal

Well, a bunch of scientists decided to go read some Neanderthal DNA, and totally ruin all our fun.

Neanderthals, an archaic human species that dominated Europe until the arrival of modern humans some 45,000 years ago, possessed a critical gene known to underlie speech, according to DNA evidence retrieved from two individuals excavated from El Sidron, a cave in northern Spain.

So, Neanderthals can speak, a major blow to “Neanderthal” as a slam. Luckily, calling someone a “Neanderthal” went out of style with Saved by the Bell. Otherwise we’d all have a big ole’ mouth filled to the brim with humble pie.

Meanwhlie, look for “Cro-Magnon” to fill the Neanderthal void. “Hey Cro-Mag! Nice teeth!”

Podcast: Old people, crapping yourself, Matt Lauer, etc.

Chris Casey called the Skype line yesterday and we caught a little magic for a podcast.

In eight-and-a-half minutes, we covered topics including: old people, having a heart attack vs crapping yourself, Matt Lauer, the government, and Britney’s vagina reappearing.

After you’re done listening to that, enjoy 20 seconds of brilliance in Chris’ “Manu Ginobili: Euro-Flop!” I don’t think I’ve put it on the blog before. Your enjoyment is guaranteed.

The Unisex Toilet

I went to Tomfooleries for happy hour last night.

The food was great, the drink specials were on target, but the bathroom situation was a little disconcerting. We sat in the fairly new upstairs area, which probably seats about 100 people, maybe more. One unisex toilet was in place to serve this area.

The unisex toilet is usually an option reserved for mom and pop gas stations in the middle of Kansas, not a place on the plaza.

Here’s why you shouldn’t have a unisex bathroom:

1. You don’t know if someone’s in there. You have to check the door handle, frightening the person inside, and possibly yourself if the door ends up unlocked, and Mangino’s twin is dropping a serious chicken fried steak bomb with the “hover technique.”

2. Women. They take forever in there.

3. “The Piss Notch.” That little notch in the front of the toilet seat encourages men to to urinate without lifting that filthy seat. This results in an even filthier seat. I don’t think the Piss Notch was meant to be a Piss Notch at all. Rather, it’s a “Don’t Touch Other People’s Genatalia Through Seat Interaction” Notch. Not quite as catchy.


A gaping piss notch at Tomfooleries unisex bathroom

Matt Lauer takes on Larry Craig

I just got done watching Matt Lauer interview Larry Craig. I don’t think Larry really won too many points with the interview, but he didn’t really hurt his case either.

Matt tried to put his “I’m a legitimate newsman” face on, but it just didn’t take. You could tell he was trying to catch Larry Craig off guard with some of his questions. Matt’s best line was when he told Larry that Larry’s dad probably didn’t take gay bathroom sex into consideration when he told his son to work hard when he grew up. I also thought Matt might get him when he said “what if you’re bisexual instead of gay?” Larry was too quick on his feet for that one.

Overall, I thought Matt wasn’t exactly Mike Wallace, or even Andy Rooney for that matter. Call me for some tips next time, Matt. In fact, here’s a freebie question you could’ve asked: “Senator, is it possible that at some point in your life you accidentally did a bunch of drugs, had gay sex, and forgot about it?” I bet that one would’ve got him.

And if you want to become a respected newsman, you need to start smothering Muppets instead of hugging them.

Hardee’s still exists

Big news: Hardee’s is still in business. Every couple of years, Hardee’s introduces a filthy food item to generate some press coverage and remind the world (or the part of the world that isn’t Carl’s Jr.) that they still exist.

Hardee’s on Monday rolled out its new Country Breakfast Burrito — two egg omelets filled with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and sausage gravy, all wrapped inside a flour tortilla. The burrito contains 920 calories and 60 grams of fat.

The fat police are all over this one. If they catch you eating one, they’ll show you pictures of Star Jones before and after gastric bypass. You get it? Because you’d get all fat like Star Jones, then get gastric bypass, and then look like the somehow-more-horrifying skinny version. Ha!


Star Jones

Matt Stooks.com thanks John Stamos

There are a number of ways people come to mattstooks.com. Most visitors have the site bookmarked, some come over from my MySpace, Facebook or YouTube pages.

A few people come to the website through web search. Check out the breakdown of search strings that have brought people to the site this month.

My personal favorites are “mama fratelli” and “joey greco gay.” But they’re all pretty good.

BTW, I guess I need to blog about John Stamos more. Send in your steamy Stamos shots ASAP.

Disappearing boogers

Do you ever pick your nose successfully, only to retrieve a bare finger from your nostril?

Many times, the boog falls harmlessly to the ground. Other times, it sets up camp on your shirt. You just hope to death it isn’t hiding on your face somewhere.

Pretty scary stuff, and it always happens when you sneak a public pick, with no mirror to help you locate the disappearing boog. And the only person you can ask to look for boogs on you is tied up talking to a person who would surely be sickened by a parked boog.

The Terrible Wizard of Oz

Thanks to media portrayals of Kansas, I now hate The Wizard of Oz.

I was watching the K-State-Colorado game this weekend, and the broadcast relied heavily on The Wizard of Oz for its “about town” footage. I would’ve preferred footage of Manhattan’s Applebees, that’s how much I’m sick of the Wiz.

Apparently, we haven’t done enough as a state in the nearly 70 years since Oz debuted. Everyone unfamiliar with Kansas thinks we all encounter tornadoes as much as people in Florida deal with hurricanes.

This is bullshit.


Also responsible for Liza Minnelli.

Right Brain vs Left Brain test

I’ve seen this “Dancer Test” a couple different places over the last week, and thought I’d share it with you in case you missed it.

You’re supposed to look at the dancer spinning. Some people see her turning clockwise, and others see her turning counterclockwise. How you interpret her supposedly tells whether you’re right-brained or left-brained.

I see her turning clockwise, naked and a little chilly/aroused.

Blog Action Day

Today is Blog Action Day, where bloggers unite to spread the word on the environment. This is my contribution.

If you believe extraterrestrial beings visit the Earth with any regularity, you bear more of the responsibility for keeping the planet clean. The Earth is your home. If you have people coming over to your house, you should try to clean things up. Therefore, if we have visitors from outer space, you really should clean up this mess.

The end.

The Centaur

The only thing worse than hearing Mitch Holthus call Larry Johnson “The Centaur” is KC Star sports hack Jeffrey Flanagan quoting Mitch calling Larry “The Centaur.”

Every Monday, Flanaboner will print sound bytes from the Chiefs’ TV and radio broadcasts. Today’s was especially annoying.

“And he got his centaur tail up the field.”

| Holthus, after Larry Johnson got a first down.

JF: Was the centaur’s big day a breakout or more just a result of the Bengals’ awful defense? The centaur showed his selfishness with his delay-of-game penalty late in the contest and his carelessness by fumbling into the end zone earlier.

Enough! No normal person’s gonna start calling LJ “The Centaur.” Flanagan called him “Centaur” twice in this column. Mitch must’ve promised him a discount on a Kia at Briggs in exchange for propagating the use of “Centaur.”

You can tell Mitch really has a hard on for the nickname in this article.

“It just came to me one day as I was thinking about his running style,” Holthus said.

“He runs sort of half-man, half-beast, and I started to think of Greek mythology and that was it — the centaur.”

It’s just beautiful how Mitch poetically ties Chiefs fans’ love of football and Greek mythology together.


The nickname makes sense because of horses’ complete inability to block.

Bonus note to KC Star Sports Editors: Your style book should capitalize “Centaur.” A lowercase nickname makes no sense.

Let’s get creative!

If you have some lead-infused Chinese toys lying around the house, I’m thinking we should all get together and have another “Lick and paint with Bob Ross” party. I’ve got some G.I. Joes in my parents’ basement that will get me and at least five other people completely Schiavo-faced. First come, first served. Call dibs soon, or you’re on your own. My schedule’s pretty open this week. Let me know.

BTW, I made the queso last time around. Someone else needs to step up.

Paranoid, NASCAR fans?

Get ready to hear plenty about this “Democrats need vaccinations before going to NASCAR events” story.

In an e-mail, a staffer who works for committee chairman Rep. Bennie Thompson, D-Miss., noted an “unusual need for whomever attending to be vaccinated against hepatitis A and B,” as well as “the more normal things — tetanus, diphtheria, and of course, seasonal influenza.”

This is already getting loads of play from Republicans trying to convince the two non-Republican NASCAR fans to convert.

I love the fact that NASCAR fans are all “they think we’ve got diseases” instead of “yeah, there usually are about 100 thousand people at NASCAR events, I guess it’s reasonable that some political hack might get concerned about the possibility of a stuffy nose.”

Note: NASCAR-inspired mullets are traveling petri dishes.