Jeri Anne was our guest co-host today.

She's a corrections officer for the Shawnee County Jail.

She explained the difference between jail and prison (3:04).

We also heard how she got screwed by her adviser at Washburn (2:21). Literally? You'll have to listen.

The rest of the show was all about the Free for All.

Choosing the Cracker Barrel over Olive Garden for an anniversary (3:25).

"Singing 'Happy Birthday' to yourself"" (4:00).

Revisiting "Mike Myers is gay?" (5:21)

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Put your determination on display. Yeah, just keep sitting there with your Pringles can on the Polydent-stained coach you got from your grandpa.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Let the rational reenter your life as you restore organization to some parts that have gone topsy-turvy. A little chaos every now and then is necessary, but now it's time to clean everything up. Don’t ask O.J. for advice on that. “If I cleaned up after slaughtering” wasn’t picked up, either.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You're in the mood to live large. Consult Mark Mangino for tips.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It's easy to judge someone based on something that's actually just a small part of the overall picture. But should you really base your opinions of people on your ability to solve the Magic Eye puzzles at their house?

Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine, excluding diseases native to Britney’s crotch.

Labels: stooksoscope

Donald Trump continues to amuse over Rosie. She called him a pimp on her blog, and he responded. "Rosie got mentally beaten up by me, because she's a mental midget, a lowlife. I think she's got a death wish. It's too bad a degenerate is able to get away with things like that." Did he forget about her being fat? What's going on?


WorldofBritney.com is shutting down. From TMZ.com: "As Britney keeps losing her identity and credibility within fans and industry people, so is [World of Britney]," writes Ruben Garay. "I believe Britney is unfortunately done (for me at least). No matter what anyone thinks or how they may disagree, it's very hard to maintain the respect needed to keep things going." Ruben says it wasn't all the vagina's fault. There was Kevin Federline, too.


Clay Aiken is an ass. Some 15 year old kid won some competition where the prize is apparently singing before a Clay Aiken show. Then, Clay kicked him off the show for not singing a Christmas song, or for a fellatio refusal. I'm not sure.


The guy who arrested Mel Gibson is being investigated for leaking information to TMZ.com. Oh, how strong the long arm of Mel.


More boobie pictures of Ex Miss Nevada have been discovered online. They've been up since June 2004. The pictures. Not her boobies. Okay, maybe her boobies, too.


Paris Hilton is hosting some New Year's "Bash" in Australia. The venue: her uterus.


Luke Perry and Jason Priestley got a bite to eat in Beverly Hills together.



Ginger Spice ate ice while skating with Posh Spice in London. Scary Spice would've been there, but she freaks out every time she sees her reflection in the ice. Wow. Lame joke.

Labels: stooks scoop

Lots of random fun stuff from today's show.

"Fish in your business" The Song (0:34).

"Fish in your business" The Explanation (2:17).

Is Mike Myers gay? (0:47).

Knight Rider is a logistical nightmare (3:54).

The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (3:39).

"Gotta love the marquee at Dara's" (4:29).

Resolving to win the Lottery for New Year's (2:26).

The Scoop (3:02).

Labels: Logistical Nightmare Guy, show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Now that you've pinpointed what you really want to do, you'll be surprised at the influential person who steps forward to help you on your chosen path: a mummified Don Knotts.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You need to shed whatever's not working, mainly, your Diddy-line Raccoon Dog fur jacket.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Acting with integrity ensures that the future of this situation will be as smooth as possible. The stars suggest you play it straight, so maybe you should lose the two-sizes-two-small Power Puff Girls Summer Short pajamas you’ve been strutting your stuff in.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Cooperation could turn to competition if the players' aggressive impulses go unchecked. This may not be unwelcome, however, since passions will be aroused in all kinds of areas, especially your medulla oblongata.

Stooks Proverb: He who has no children, brings them up well. Or, at least better than Michael Jackson.

Labels: stooksoscope

The Enquirer says O.J. Simpson's addicted to painkillers. At least he's over that whole addiction to slaughtering people phase.


Jessica Simpson is in the midst of a meltdown so severe, Ashlee's been called in to cheer her up. In Touch says Jessica's depressed and even spent two days locked in her trailer on the set of "Blonde Ambition." They say her mess-up at the Kennedy Center Honors is responsible for her depression. I'm thinking she's a little sick of seeing her dumbass in all those DirecTV commercials.


Some think Paris Hilton is now calling Britney Spears "The Animal," to get back at Brit for ending their friendship. Or maybe she just thinks Britney has some kind of creature living in her crotch.


Nicole Richie's dad says maybe she's be better off in prison. Wouldn't they have to install mesh screening over the bars to keep her from escaping?


No one's really sure where Kevin Federline is living these days. He still has wheels, so at the very least he's still got his Suburban to crash in.


Tara Reid has been showing off her body at Caribbean beaches the last couple days. No areoli sightings just yet.


Keith Urban took a break from his rehab to spend time with his family. Sounds like another Kodak Christmas.


James Brown's corpse is barely cold, yet Spike Lee has announced a movie on him.


The Enquirer says the behind-the-scenes crew at Grey's Anatomy is jealous of the stars' exclusive gym on the set. Although, I don't think their jealousy stems from potential intimate steam room encounters between Isaiah Washington and T.R. Knight.


Courteney Cox got a speeding ticket. I guess it's better than having David Arquette leave her for Rosie's fat ass or something.

Labels: stooks scoop

Andrew London joined me as our "guest fill-in co-host." It's quite the prestigious title.

Think returning Christmas Gifts is awkward?

How about returning a douche? (2:13)

Check out this Trump-Rosie mind puzzler (0:34).

We also talked about what a clever thinker Trump is (1:41).

"I'll be lit for Christmas" (0:52).

Oprah and Stedman are living together. And Oprah has something hidden in her elastic-waist pants (1:34).

The Stoner has a conspiracy theory (1:21).

We also did a little fast food roundup, complete with the creepy Burger King video games and a not-so-reassuring guy speaking on behalf of Taco Bell (5:41).

Labels: show clips, The Stoner

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You believe two heads are better than one, and the stars give you a chance to prove it. Well, YouTube has the Siamese twins video, too. You might try that first.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

A difference of opinion could turn into something fiery. Wear a condom. No glove, no love.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Self-sacrifice is absolutely necessary at certain times, but this isn't one of them. Why must you mutilate yourself at your aunt’s Christmas party.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The stars give you this opportunity to hone in on the top tasks in your life. It's time to make a clean sweep of less successful efforts from the past. Make sure to back everything up and keep all your helpers in the loop. Keep O.J. on standby. The guy, not the fruit juice.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t suffer the fate of the boy who cried “wolf.” I mean crying “wolf,” in front of your friends? Pretty lame.

Labels: stooksoscope

James Brown died. He kicked ass in Rocky IV. Apollo died in Rocky IV.


Oprah and Stedman are now living together. No word on whether Gayle King will be forced out of the bed completely.


Rosie O'Donnell is blogging about Donald Trump. Here's a line for Trump to use: "I'm surprised they make a keyboard big enough to accommodate Rosie's fatass fingers."


Donald has come to the brilliant conclusion that maybe the Miss USA organization should do some checking into the contestants' backgrounds.


Miss Nevada wants a second chance, and has a valuable lesson for America's youth: "Please don't let your guard down when it comes to being photographed,"


Michael Jackson might have bought a house in Vegas, and is getting ready to be a Vegas act. I think it involves singing, but who knows?

Michael's suing his accountants.


Britney Spears may do a show-and-tell with Vanity Fair, except the pictures will be of her kid, not her vagina.

Britney has been enjoying candlelit dinners with music producer J.R. Rotem., who looks like he isn't quite the trash Federline is.


Diddy's clothing line features a "faux fur" jacket at Macy's. Unfortunately, the "faux" actually stands for "dog." The coats are made of raccoon dogs. That isn't a very "PETA friendly" alternative, if you didn't know.


Nicole Richie was caught eating human food.


Fred Durst was caught bragging about hanging out with Lindsay Lohan. No surprise here.


Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg while skiing.


Carson Daly says he doesn't have a rivalry with Ryan Seacrest. Can you have a rivalry with your exact duplicate?


Martha Stewart has "thousands of shoes."


Angelina Jolie continues to be better than you: she spent Christmas with refugee children in Costa Rica.

Labels: stooks scoop

Today was Chris' last day, and we stuck with our Free for All Friday mode to say goodbye.



"A breakfast tribute to Chris Casey" (3:29).

"A woman wants Chris' help to get into the music biz" (2:37).

"The Harry Potter Fan" fan (1:33)

Longest Distance Listener Shua says goodbye (2:44).

"I bonded this guy out of jail..." (1:54).

The cigarette line at Walmart, revisited (3:52).

Going away joke (1:23)

"I don't know your names" (0:48).

Our last break together (3:53).

We waited all show, even saying "Fran, call us," yet the High Lady waited until the show was over to call us.

The High Lady's Farewell (1:49)

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An unorthodox job opportunity could open up your possibilities for creative freedom. But remember, people just don’t tip as well for fecal art as they used to.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Relationships improve when you apply a good attitude to them. If you do, you'll be able to make smart decisions and stay firmly rooted in the here and now. Who knew that by giving yourself the present, you'd give yourself a future as well? Too bad you’ll never be able to tell anyone about your past. That poor street sweeper.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The more you're able to clear your to-do list, the better you feel. Focus on reducing rather than increasing, and you'll see how easy it is to simplify your life. This sense of relief is easily attained: Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You love helping people out, but the stars say it's time to take a step back to live your own life. Your sock puppets will be fine.

Stooks Proverb: The family that prays together, stays together, especially if they pray in a vat full of Super Glue.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears has been named "Most Controversial Celebrity of the Year" by CNN's Showbiz Tonight. She won by a vagina hair, just edging out Mel Gibson.


Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are feuding and Barbara Walters is stuck in the middle. Ha. Amazingly, Rosie is acting more adult about it than Trump. My favorite part: Donald saying "I'd like to take some money out of her fat ass pockets." Here's the full list.


Diddy's girl gave birth to twin girls Thursday. From TMZ.com: "The older twin is named D'Lila Star, for Porter's grandmother, and the younger is Jessie James, for Combs' grandmother."


Jessica Simpson's performance of 9 to 5 was so bad, even after a retake, that she's been completely cut out of the Kennedy Center Honors tribute to Dolly Parton.


Lohan's vagina almost flopped out in this picture.



Miss Nevada has lost her title because she acted like Miss USA.

Labels: stooks scoop

Today, we spent some time looking over some of our favorite clips over the past year. Since Chris is leaving the show, we explained some of his bits a little more.

You've heard some of these before, but not with the fun explanations from today's show.

"Stooks hungover after watching the Oscars" (4:11). For some reason, this clip never made it to the website the first time around.

We also talked about an interesting incident involving Blade Velasquez (7:22). After we played his first song, someone showed up at the station wanting to confront us. The story's included in the segment. By the way, if you haven't added Blade to your MySpace friends yet, you should. Here's his profile page. You can check out his other songs there, too.

Labels: Blade Velasquez, high lady, show clips, The Gnome Guy, The Harry Potter Fan

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Take off in a brand-new direction. It's time to show off your skills -- including a few that people didn't know you had. Just be sure no small children are around when you do it. That trick is illegal in most states and Puerto Rico. Just ask Screech.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Choose to radiate serenity, even if everyone around you decides to cop an attitude. It'll take practice at first, but all this effort will pay off. You'll soar past old obstacles toward new successes, mainly, schizophrenia.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Who knew you could run into romance while taking care of errands? Be sure you don't get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that you miss the smile a cute stranger is sending your way. What is it about transsexuals, anyway?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Take a long look at your finances and career before you join in with someone else's plans. Is this really what you want? Is it even possible right now? These are all crucial questions to ask before you make a move. It may be time to face the possibility that you just can’t hang when it comes to Connect Four.

Stooks Proverb: Ninety percent of inspiration is perspiration. So, when people tell you you smell, just pretend they said “you’re so inspired.”

Labels: stooksoscope

In Touch Weekly says Britney Spears has been calling Kevin Federline and taunting him about her makeout sessions with J.R. Rotem and about how little money K-Fed has.

For Christmas, Paris Hilton gave Britney Spears a $500 purse to carry a dog in.

Britney Spears got a hand tattoo of a star or something white trash related.

Kevin Federline may have driven Five Star Vintage Clothing out of business as their spokesman. He doesn't work for them, anymore. We're not sure if anyone does.


The Enquirer says J. Lo's family is telling her to stay away from Tom Cruise and his Scientology goons.


Cameras caught Pauly Shore checking out Nicolette Sheridan's ass, then spotting the cameras, then acting like he didn't notice either her ass or the cameras.


LOST's Evangeline Lilly's rented house in Hawaii burned down when she wasn't home. I bet Walt or Michael did it. Traitors.

Labels: stooks scoop

I had it on good authority that Santa was listening to today's show. We told our listeners to get their last minute Christmas items onto his list.

Segment 1 - Role models (2:08)

Segment 2 - A Wii for Mom (4:41)

Segment 3 - Someone to do the laundry/Did you say "Happy Holidays?" (4:14)


In other show activity...

"I didn't steal this car, I'm just transporting it" (2:29)

"STD Experience Needed" (0:49)

The Harry Potter fan is excited again (2:19)

Labels: show clips, The Harry Potter Fan

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Feel like someone's put a second helping of anxiety on your plate and you didn't even ask for the first? Maybe it’s time you speak up and say “can’t someone get some G D mashed potatoes up in here.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Lately the tried-and-true just hasn't been doing it for you -- you definitely crave novelty more than most. Are you ready to try something new? No, not hoola-hooping. You’re still not ready for that level of cognition.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Did you take a detour and end up stranded? Never fear, because this time is almost over. The path may not be straight at first, but you'll get used to it. Mel Gibson puked on it the first couple times, but he had a handicap.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You've been eyeing an objective for a long time, especially since you know it's well within your reach. Who put the Twinkees on top of the refrigerator in the first place?

Stooks Proverb: There’s a black sheep in every flock. And Kramer is thinking about sticking it upside down with a fork in its buttocks.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney's going to burlesque clubs, by the way. Here's an incident from the weekend: Britney, while smoking, got on stage, "gyrated for the crowd," and showed off her bra. The club owner asked her to move out of the way. Then, she started drinking again.


Paris Hilton is taking acting lessons in preparation for her role in "The Hottie and the Nottie." Thank God.


Maybe it wasn't the drinking: To avoid photographers, Lohan was driving while ducking under the wheel or covering her face.


Miss USA didn't get demoted, but she did get sent to rehab.


Michael Jackson is in talks to sell The Neverland Ranch through the Bravo show "Million Dollar Listing: Hollywood." Michael used to have a much darker look about his skin.


Oprah's in talks to get Naomi Campbell on her show. Is she trying to get Gayle King killed? Maybe Stedman?


Larry King won't have a replacement when he retires. I guess the name "Larry King Live" might get a little creepy when Larry's not on the show, or perhaps, dies.


The story about one of the supporting actors from Prison Break getting in a car accident that killed a 17-year-old passenger has been a little bit neglected. Blood alcohol tests are still pending. How is that possible? I'm assuming he refused a breathalyser. But still? How long does that take?


Lara Flynn Boyle got married. Then, she got broken in two during consummation.


Speaking of frightening mental images, Kim Cattrall says there will be a Sex and the City movie.


I find this shocking: NCIS was the number one show on TV last week.

Labels: stooks scoop

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It's time to pack up your troubles and get happy. Your luck has just taken a spectacular turn for the better. Now you can gleefully put away any lingering problems that have been on your mind for far too long. Go ahead, try on your grandma’s underwear. No one’s looking.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Renewed energy arrives in the nick of time. Diego always comes through for you in a pinch.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your stable nature also has some wackiness. You're a multifaceted, fascinating person. Someone out there sees this softer side of you and likes what they see: a basket-weaving fool.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You have great expectations and, what's more, the abilities to make them become a reality. Some friends have their own issues and aren't thrilled about this. Maybe if you could resist the urge to lure small children into your cardboard theater for sock puppets, they’d see things differently.

Stooks Proverb: Your tongue can paint what the eye can’t see. Maybe Britney will hire you.

Labels: stooksoscope

It seems that SNL has been pretty decent lately. I've only made it halfway through the Justin Timberlake episode from this weekend, but it's been real solid.

In fact, I think this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen them do. I have new respect for Timberlake.

Sad: Joe Barbera of Hanna-Barbera died at 95. They had tons of badass cartoons: Flintstones, Jetsons, Yogi, Scooby, Don Knotts, The Harlem Globetrotters, Sonny and Cher...


Britney got booed off the jumbotron at the Laker game Sunday, and then left at halftime. Here's a flattering shot someone got of the jumbotron:


Britney showed up to her mom's birthday in this outfit:

The tabloids continue to think Britney's makeout dude, J.R. Rotem, is trying to milk his publicity. Because, surely some professional music producer would never get into decent clubs or partake in drugs or alcohol on his own accord.


Paris Hilton has a male masseuse who comes to her house. Hopefully she pays enough for him to afford a female delouser to go to his house.


Esquire quotes Katie Couric: "You guys even take a shot at me. You have something about how since I've become an anchor, you don't know me anymore. You don't know me anymore? Bite me." Then she smiled, and said, "help me come up with a cool closing line for the news. Something along the lines of 'smile your troubles away...'"


Japan canceled a Christmas appearance by Michael Jackson over outrage at his $3,300 price tag for individual photographs and meetings with fans. No performance. But if you happen to meet certain unspecified criteria, you just might get quite the individual performance later on. For free.


Mel Gibson's a sloppy eater.



Photographers thought they had a symbolic gesture when they rescued a Paris Hilton poster from Paris Hilton's trash bags. I guess they didn't catch the irony. And how dangerous is rummaging through trash associated with Paris Hilton? You could probably get diseased off just a whiff of it.


After turning it down three times, Joey Fatone says he wants to be on Dancing with the Stars. If John O'Hurley can wrestle Family Feud away from Richard Karn after "Dancing," surely Fatone could land "Blind Cash Cab," after some exposure.


Omarosa says Miss California will take over for Miss USA, who's so much a drugaholic that she's been photographed with Axl Rose, who I've finally given up on completely.


Tori Spelling is still pregnant, but she's pretending to be a mom by pushing her pug around in a carriage. Seems stable enough.



Clay Aiken can sing through vertigo, and you probably can't. Loser.

Labels: stooks scoop

First off, Meatspace has a new video for you. We played the audio for everyone today, but the video does make it slightly better.





Steve Schnell called in with his "One week 'til Christmas " Report (1:36).

We heard about how I almost got our station into a rumble at our Christmas party Saturday (3:21).

One of our callers thinks diseases are racist (2:30).

One of our listeners has a going away offer for Chris (1:49).

Labels: show clips, Steve Schnell

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

All the stars are on your side, so ride out these recent upheavals. They may not look pretty on the surface, but if you wait, you'll see how they actually end up being beneficial. You could open up a diner with that much face grease.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

The universe thinks you're on the right track, and it's sending you little encouragements to keep your spirits up. You're frustrated because you want a bigger sign. Try taping several pieces of poster board together.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The more you can detach yourself from a conflict, the better you're able to state your case. Try bathing in tomato sauce before you talk to the sewer people.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If actual travel's not possible, explore places you don't know in a mental or spiritual way. Roam if you want to! That’s the way Catherine Zeta Jones would’ve wanted it…if she were dead.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t fear a crooked shadow, unless it has a chainsaw.

Labels: stooksoscope

At last check, Lindsay Lohan still goes out every night but isn't drinking.


Britney Spears had a tough time getting her car to follow her commands the other night.

While showing off her vagina, Britney-style, porn star Mary Carey says Britney stole an act she's been doing for four years.

Britney's little makeout session with producer J.R. Rotem looks more and more like a one-time thing. Lucky guy.

Justin Timberlake has no comment on Britney.


Stavros Niarchos wants to introduce Paris Hilton to his parents. But first, he wants her to stop acting like Paris Hilton all the time.


Anna Nicole Smith is back in the United States. All it took was a meeting about her dead husband's money.


Miss USA may be losing her title for behaving like Lindsay Lohan. And she even ragged on Lohan-types when she was pitching for the title.


O.J.'s publisher has been fired. At least she wasn't murdered.


Vanessa Minnillo bought a whole bunch of baby stuff. Could she have made a baby with Nick Lachey?


Beyonce's dad hates Jennifer Hudson of Dreamgirls.


ABC already canceled "Show me the money," the creepy trivia show hosted by a dancing William Shatner and hot chicks.

Labels: stooks scoop

"I finally got a good email!" (1:50)

"Chris is leaving?"/Women proposing (2:48).

Did you say "everyone shares that sediment?" (3:18)

Leave your smoker girlfriend alone (2:46).

Stooks never moves on to bigger and better things (4:15).

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

If you're seeking drama, you're sure to find it. Wouldn't it be easier to figure out what you need and ask for it? Your instinct may be to go into this with both barrels blazing, but will that garner real results? If you could only find out how O.J. would do it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Doubts can be so persistent, unfortunately. Whatever you do, don't close your eyes and ears to preserve your fantasy of how everything should work out. Remember your trip to the emergency room the last time you tried to close your ears? A staple gun just isn’t the way to go.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Some deep work is required to clear out an emotional wound, but your inner diplomat is at war with your inner psychologist, and your inner Danny Bonaduce isn’t helping the situation.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Just remind yourself to stay focused in the right direction through these changes. Lately it seems as if up is down, black is white, and Rosie O’Donnell is Al Roker.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a horse by its saddle. Judge it by its dental hygiene.

Labels: stooksoscope

Nicole Richie is still wearing a blanket around to make it harder to take her picture. It's all good until every bone in her body collapses under the pressure.

Doctors are weighing in on why Nicole might have taken Vicodin the night of her arrest. They say it could've been prescribed for her period. I could imagine losing 50 percent of your body weight during your period might be reason for pain.


Paris Hilton has been using her MySpace page to defend Britney Spears honor. But here's the thing: Paris doesn't have a MySpace page.


It looks like things between Britney and Paris may already be over, anyway. Her people told her hanging out with Paris wouldn't be good for her career.

Some crazy fan got Britney Spears car door open, and then did an interpretive dance before photographers rescued Britney.


Angelina Jolie is not pregnant. In fact, she's on the pill


Courteney Cox has a pretty intense professional feud with Brad Pitt. She wants her production company to beat his out for projects, and still holds bitter feelings about his breakup with Jennifer.


Pam Anderson says Kid Rock is a liar. He had said she was out partying every night and was just an all-around terrible guy.


Kato Kaelin on O.J. Simpson's pulled book, "If I Did It": "What do you mean, "if?"


Martha Stewart is spending the holidays alone.

Labels: stooks scoop

Chris announced his departure from the show today. His last day will be Friday, December 22, when we break for Christmas. He's headed to film school in Santa Barbara, California.

One of ours callers warns him about parachuting in Hawaii. Don't worry, we're confused, too (2:43).

The Key Grip (2:56).

Why not be a fluffer? (1:32)

Unrelated: Scientology Jingle Bells (0:30).

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The situation seems pretty cut-and-dried to you, so you can't understand why someone else is all tied up with ambiguities and alternatives. Maybe it’s time to get them tied up with rope and duct tape and thrown in the closet, instead.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You're positively a genius when it comes to allocating resources. Unfortunately, you’re positively a moron when it comes to eating spaghetti. Embarrassing.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you have more than two choices, you're often thrown for a loop. In fact, more than one choice is a little too much for you today! See if you can find a grownup to help you make a choice from the vending machine.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Those closest to you have really come to depend on your discerning viewpoint. When you’re done with them, they’ll kick themselves for not realizing on their own just how much better Bob Saget is than Dave Coulier.

Stooks Proverb: If you want something well done, do it yourself, especially if you’re a cannibal.

Labels: stooksoscope

Nicole Richie could have to spend five days in jail for her DUI. This is her second offense. During her 2002 arrest, she told cops she had only eaten French Fries, took a shot of vodka, and poof! She blew a .13.


Cameras caught Paris Hilton's with a powdery substance in her nose.


Kevin Federline is writing a book that says Britney drank while pregnant, has done drugs and even had a little lesbian side action.

Federline also ended his MySpace friendship with J.R. Rotem, the guy who placed his tongue in Britney's mouth. Meanwhile, J.R.'s trying to milk a little Federline perk action out of his makeout session. He tried to use his new fame to get into Hyde, a popular nightclub for celebrities. Denied. He's keeping his hopes alive by "not denying" he's Britney's boyfriend.



Tom Cruise may be trying to trick J. Lo and Jim Carey into Scientology.


Tara Reid fell down outside a club in London. I hope she didn't scrape off her renovated areoli.

Labels: stooks scoop

We got to talking about Christmas decorations this morning. Chris put his lights up at 2 a.m. today.

One listener's mom had a frightening Santa in her collection (3:02).

We heard about one guy's fantasy pillow fight (1:31).

"The Johnny Kaw Radio Show," in typical fashion, tackled the sensitive issue of bathroom etiquette (3:15).

Labels: show clips, The Johnny Kaw Radio Show

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Whether you're dealing with emotional or fiscal debts, it's important to balance the books before too long, or you could experience a real psychic, and monetary, drain. Deal with the situation honestly. Or at least lie with your fingers crossed behind your back.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Maximize the possibilities by taking care of details in the here and now. Once you start taking these steps, then you can shift your focus to bending time and worrying about things in the past. Or you could choose to just saw the top of the Cheerleader’s head off and steal her brain and powers.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You're in a playful, experimental mood. One moment you want chocolate ice cream, the next, butter rum pecan. But, beware: if you keep this up, taste bud overload is imminent.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You're bubbly as a can of soda pop, so make sure you get out there and share your sparkling energy with everyone. Just don’t vomit on the curtains this time.

Stooks Proverb: Search knowledge though it be in China. Or you could just ask Rosie O’Donnell. The likely answer? “Ching chong, ching ching chong, Danny DeVito.” Don’t catch her on an empty stomach.

Labels: stooksoscope

Nicole Richie has been spotted for the first time after her DUI arrest. She was leaving her boyfriend's house. I think the paparazzi stood a little further back when she took off in her car this time.

Don't worry, Nicole Richie won't let the arrest hurt her career. At this point, her career could only get worsened by a necrophiliac.


Lindsay Lohan has been sober for a week. Maybe Nicole Richie raided her stash.


Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes dropped more than $300 on a tricycle for Suri. Are they expecting Scientology to age the baby several years to trike-riding level?


J.R. Rotem, the record producer Britney was slobbering on the other night, worked on Kevin Federline's CD. Maybe it was a sympathy makeout. Meanwhile, he didn't even tell his own dad that he made out with Britney Spears.


Kevin Federline's friend on K-Fed's new look: "He's switched his look to 'GQ.' It's just a new phase in his life. He really is just trying to walk a straight line. He's doing the 'GQ' thing now everyday. It's a great, great look for him. It's not just something you're going to see today and tomorrow — it's going to be there for awhile."


Angelina Jolie says she'd be willing to sit down and talk to Jennifer Aniston...probably to bitch about the predictability of the series finale of Friends.

Star Magazine is trying to find a new man for Jennifer. It's about time someone did.


Danny DeVito says his drunkenness on The View was just an act. He says he was legitimately hungover, just not drunk.

Here's a flashback to the show, where he talks about nailing his unattractive wife all over the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House.


Rosie O'Donnell is frightening for many reasons in this photo:

Unfortunately, Pauley Shore getting the ass beat off him on stage by a cop was just part of his act.


Just by walking in front of some cameras, Lara Flynn Boyle reminds Nicole Richie fans: I'm still frightening, too!

Labels: stooks scoop

Today was one of the most random shows we've ever had. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and Chris is always lacking in sleep. Those two factors combined for an odd day.

"Seasons Greetings from a Stooks in the Morning Listener" (0:22)

"Home Alone is a logistical nightmare" (6:46)

"Nicole Richie's high off her ass and heading right for me tips 2006" (0:30).

The FemSloth (2:07)


"Let's Talk About This" Segment 1 (4:33).

"Let's Talk About This" Segment 2 (3:11).

The Blonde Moustache (0:52).

A frank discussion with Photoshop Adam (4:05).

Rodney hosts the midday show immediately after ours.

He shotgunned me for insulting him (1:13).

Labels: Logistical Nightmare Guy, show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

A substantial benefit comes your way on the job, thanks to all your hard work. No one else can shake the Cheetos out of the vending machine with such grace. Except Power Hits 97.5 newsman Dewey Terrill.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Some people in your life have decided that you're the go-to person for all their needs. That’s what you get for wearing the Wal-Mart “How may I help you?” vest around town.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You have a great need to be of service to others, but you can't do so at the expense of all your resources. Save some of your permanent markers for later huffing. You’ll thank the stars when you satisfy that urge.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You've been feeling vulnerable and in need of protection from things that you perceive as dangerous. There’s a new invention called a condom.

Stooks Proverb: Beauty is only skin deep, so is Nicole Richie, but Paris Hilton is more in line with aluminum-baseball-bat deep.

Labels: stooksoscope

Nicole Richie's been arrested for DUI. She passed a breathalyser, but told police that she smoked pot and took Vicodin. I don't know if I'd volunteer that information. She didn't pull a Mel and go all Hitler on the police either. She was actually quite kind.

Here's one of the 911 phone calls that led to her arrest. Tip: driving down the wrong side of the highway and then parking in the carpool lane will usually get you busted.

She nailed the mugshot, by the way:

Labels: stooks scoop

"Internet Addiction" seems to be a popular phrase these days.

We asked our listeners for proof.

Segment 1 (2:57)

Segment 2 (2:14)

Segment 3 (2:01)

Segment 4 (1:47)

Unrelated: Ice Cream in the Winter (2:12)

Labels: show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Take this recent lesson to heart. You know you deserve to be center stage, but all the time? Not only is that impossible, but it's not even desirable. Take the time to think it out, and you'll see how very true this is. Your infant juggling career may come under fire if it becomes too popular.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone needs your help, but he or she is too proud and fragile to actually come out and ask for it. Be a humanitarian and do a little behind-the-scenes work on their behalf. Make sure to keep your identity a secret. Use a fun code name, like Kinkyracoon118.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your career and social success are strongly tied to how well you deal with others. Unfortunately, your second personality is holding you back. You really need to tell Saul to stop unziplocking other people’s snacks, causing them to slowly spoil throughout the day.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Finances have you more stressed out than usual. There's a simple solution for a lot of your worries: Try spending less than you make, or spending someone else’s money altogether. Note: Louie Anderson is no longer a viable target for cash.

Stooks Proverb: The early bird gets the worm. But, your Aunt Mildred has that beat, because she has worms, plural.

Labels: stooksoscope

Mel Gibson's Apocalypto was number one at the box office this weekend, with $14 million. Way to make a Jew-hater richer, everybody.


What has Britney started? Mischa Barton has joined Crotchfest 2006, sporting an open fly.



If there's free booze, you'll probably find Kevin Federline.


Paris Hilton spent the weekend with Stavros Niarchos.

Other random Paris news: she's hanging out with her friends' grandmas, now. Just pray grandma's wearing underwear.


Lohan went out every night last week, but she's still becoming slightly less alcoholic. She only had water to drink.


Wesley Snipes turned himself into federal authorities for tax fraud. He says he's a scapegoat. For who?


Asian-Americans don't get Rosie O'Donnell's humor. She's in trouble for saying Danny DeVito's drunk ass made headlines in China that read "Ching chong, ching ching chong, Danny DeVito!"


Jessica Simpson's mom chewed her out for sucking hard at the Kennedy Center Honors, for forgetting the lyrics to "9 to 5," in a tribute to Dolly Parton.


Tori Spelling yard sale!


Nicholas Cage is cutting back on acting. I thought he did that already. It was called "Con Air."


Settle down, Beyonce isn't 32. She's still 25. I'm taking it as a hoax brought to us by the creators of "Tom Hanks fell off a cliff" and "Adam Sandler OD'd." She didn't marry Jay-Z this weekend, either.


Mariah Carey is trying to stop pornstar Mary Carey from trademarking the name "Mary Carey." I'm confused, too.

Labels: stooks scoop

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Dare to dream! The current celestial energies say it's time to go for it in a major way. Ask for that raise or pursue that cutie with all the zeal and fervor you can. Actually, make sure you monitor your zeal level. Last time, your zeal over Lou Diamond Phillips beating up his girlfriend was a little creepy.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Now that you've set some limits, it's time to practice meeting your own requirements. Not only will this make you happier overall, but you'll actually be prepared to give more. And it will come from a genuinely generous place: your neighbor’s China cabinet.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Making everything a case of black or white cuts out a lot of creative potential in your life. There's no reason everything has to be so extreme when it comes right down to it. Kramer.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The only limit is your imagination, so dream as big as you can. Put aside any and all self-criticism and let your mind roam. The one word that's completely not allowed right now? Punctilious.

Stooks Proverb: He that fights and runs away lives to fight another day. He that fights and just sits there getting a beatdown usually hurts the next day.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears acknowledges that everyone saw her vagina. "I probably did take my new found freedom too far...Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected...Thank God for Victoria's Secrets' new underwear line!" No mention of thanking God for her less-than-inviting cooter.


Lindsay Lohan is insane. From an email she sent to her friends: "Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me." She also mentioned getting help from the Clintons. Here's more: "I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see." Al Gore's reps make it look like he won't be helping her, by the way.


It looks like Oprah got a nonvitation to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes post-wedding celebration this Saturday.


Kevin Federline went to the launch party for "The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties," and was even seen hitting up the authors for additional tips. I'm hoping the "concise" guide has some kind of pictorial aid for K-Fed.


Scary Spice says Eddie Murphy is indeed the baby daddy.


Want to be like Madonna, but don't have the time or money to steal a child from Malawi? Don't worry, she's got a new clothing line coming out in March.


For a $10 thousand check made out to Jessica Simpson's dad, you can get Jessica to read silently from your magazine in the movie Blonde Ambition.


God dammit: "Lost" is moving an hour later when it comes back, to avoid going head-to-head American Idol.


Sylvester Stallone wants to do a movie about Edgar Allen Poe someday.

Labels: stooks scoop

This morning, Chris noticed I was clean-shaven. I asked him if he thought I looked better with or without the beard. He refused to commit. We asked our listeners why straight guys have such a hard time commenting on how other straight guys look.

Segment 1 (4:18)

Segment 2 (1:48)

Segment 3 (4:48)

Segment 4 (4:32)



In unrelated news, The Harry Potter Fan is pumped about some behind-the-scenes features for this Summer's release of "Order of the Phoenix." (2:55)

Labels: show clips, The Harry Potter Fan

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You know your actions were justified, but someone else may not see it that way. Acknowledge that you might have overstepped your bounds. But in the end, replacing someone’s subpar Bread and Butter pickles with the more acceptable Dill variety is just the right thing to do.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

While it may be difficult at first, speaking honestly to one another and putting aside any impulse to wound or hurt is the only thing that can help heal this rift. If the conversation goes south, go ahead and go back to wound-inflicting mode. Start with a Charlie Horse and work your way up.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It's easy to get lost in an emotional haze so confusing that even making it to appointments on time can be a challenge. Maybe it’s time to switch to non-toxic crayons.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A series of highs and lows could give you emotional whiplash. Rather than ignoring them, listen to what they're saying. A deep inner truth is ready to emerge: time to get the Patrick Swayze posters out of storage.

Stooks Proverb: Finders keepers, losers weepers, Angela Lansbury delivers the creepers.

Labels: stooksoscope

Labels: Inside Edition, stooks scoop

A friend of mine has a stalker ex-girlfriend thanks to his use of the phrase "we can still be friends" during the breakup.

Should this highly used line be retired?

Segment 1 (1:57)

Segment 2 (4:12)

Segment 3 (3:39)

Segment 4 (5:33)

Segment 5 (1:12)


In other show activity...

Blade Velasquez called with a new song (2:46).

Labels: Blade Velasquez, show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Right now you're an expert in body language and hidden emotions…Much better than last week, when you were an expert in body fluid stain removal.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Ignoring a communication stalemate won't make it go away, though that course of action might be your first instinct. A deeper issue is lingering and upsetting you both. It's time to express what's been left unsaid: “Go, go, Power Rangers.”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Let's face it -- surprise gifts in the mail are nice, but they usually turn out to be the wrong size or the wrong color. Follow Madonna’s lead, and go directly to the orphanage to pick one out for yourself.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Hindsight isn't always 20-20. Sometimes it’s Dateline NBC, especially with all your questionable activity on MySpace.

Stooks Proverb: Spare the rod and spoil the child. In other words, beat the hell out of every kid you see.

Labels: stooksoscope

UPDATE: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are breaking up.


Britney Spears may have backed out of the Billboard Music Awards after learning about a K-Fed skit.

A successful New York plastic surgeon is offering a free tummy tuck and cosmetic surgery to Britney Spears. Seems he was disappointed by the photos, too.

Britney was the number one search term on Yahoo! this year, even before her crotch spread all over the Internet.


Paris Hilton got locked out of her own house when her security system wouldn't unlock. She got in her car and put on makeup until someone opened the gate.


The other day, Gayle King said some of her friends used the "n" word. Now, she's clarifying that neither Oprah, Stedman or Maya Angelou use the word.


Justin Timberlake dancing around hot models at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show may have made Cameron Diaz jealous.


Madonna's husband doesn't seem to like the idea of adopting another kid just yet. After telling Madonna this, she replied, "what's your name again?"


Beyonce and Jay-Z might get married this weekend. He might retire if he thinks about it while he's up and around.


Jackie Chan hurt his chest on the set of Rush Hour 3. He aggravated a previous injury after he got hit with a steal-reinforced wooden table. He's 52. He says he'll be okay.

Labels: stooks scoop

The Collegian's take on being single for the holidays inspired us to do a show about it.

Segment 1 (3:42)

Segment 2 (1:56)

Segment 3 (4:06)

Segment 4 (2:10)

Labels: show clips

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Some timid types may be in charge of making big decisions right now, so bring out that offbeat, quirky charm of yours. That, combined with the cool logic of your choices, will have them on your side in no time. If that doesn’t work, try threatening them with a cheese grater.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Could you choose a new way to deal with a situation you've seen in your life before? This time, try using Valtrex instead of sand paper.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Clear communication is one of your desired goals, but so much is going on that it's easy to forget what the main message should be: Louie Anderson should still be hosting Family Feud.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Watch out -- foot-in-mouth disease is catching. Safeguard yourself: clean out those toe crevices quickly.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t give advice in a crowd. Especially if you’re O.J. and the crowd has a weak stomach.

Labels: stooksoscope

Labels: stooks scoop

At about the halfway point in our 7-mile Joggermeister Pub "Jog," we encountered some cracked-out woman at Kelly's in Westport, a thriving, yet sometimes rough bar district in Kansas City.

One of the girls said they even saw her snorting something in the bathroom. One of the guys in our group waved her over to our table for everyone's mutual amusement. He asked for her phone number. She said "I don't have a phone. I live on the streets." While we had fun as a result of her company, she had fun, too.

Is it okay to make fun of some cracked-out homeless lady if she doesn't realize she's a joke, and she even has fun at the same time?

Segment 1 (3:07)

Segment 2 (2:40)

Segment 3 (3:52)

Segment 4 (5:53)

Segment 5 (4:03)

In unrelated news, Nancy Kerrigan collect-called us (0:41).

Labels: show clips

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Even if you're at a loss, look inward for the guidance you need to get you through this current issue. Damn, Highlights Magazine is challenging reading.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Some information you're missing is vital to your next enterprise, so don't jump into a situation before you have the 411. Then, dial 10-10-220. I think those guys are getting lonesome.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You figure out the missing ingredient you need to bring a long-term goal home to rest at last. Make sure you write it down! That’s a-r-s-e-n-i-c, arsenic!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your instincts are saying one thing, but your insecurities are making you doubt what you're hearing. Heed what your heart and gut tell you. Actually, don’t listen to your gut, you just ate Taco Bell Bean Burrito.

Stooks Proverb: He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by O.J. is sick of hearing hypotheticals over the fence.

Labels: stooksoscope

Britney Spears turned 25 Saturday. During the day, she went to the zoo with Sean Preston. She went to dinner with some friends, one of whom gave her panties as a gift. Then, she met up with Paris Hilton at Hyde, a club so exclusive that even Jodie "Stephanie from Full House" Sweetin gets denied at the door.

Britney's first ex, Jason Alexander, and K-Fed's ex, Shar Jackson have taped Monday's episode of The Dr. Ablow Show. He says Britney threatened him after their split: "Don't say anything you'd regret." So, he waited a couple years and "oh snap"-ed her on The Dr. Ablow Show in from of a worldwide audience of ten people! A-hole.

Justin Timberlake and Britney were at the same club the other night. Both had their panties on.

George Clooney partying with Britney? George says "no." Probably because she doesn't look as good as Danny DeVito below the waist.

Kevin Federline is pitching a reality show to the producers of E's "House of Carters." That seems about right.


Paris Hilton canceled her appearance at the Billboard Awards Monday night because of her joke material. She thought some of the jokes would be hurtful to her friends. What could the writers possibly have had prepared on Britney, Lohan or Nicole? It's not like Britney's vagina has been flopping out, Lindsay Lohan's going to AA and Nicole Richie is walking death, or anything.

By the way, Lohan's mom outed Lindsay's AA experience to Ryan Seacrest. Don't worry about a boozeless Lohan, though. Her publicist says "And, by the way, she's not saying...she'll stop drinking tomorrow. I'm confused.

The Enquirer says Nicole Richie got a boob job. I'm guessing Santa wishes she had ass implants too, as she sat on his lap for a photo, possibly coming close to severing St. Nick's leg at the thigh.


Michael Richards agreed to apologize in person to the black guys he went crazy on. They have a celebrity lawyer, so Ben Franklin may be doing the majority of the apologizing.


Is Oprah trying to screw subscribers to "O?" That's what one subscriber thinks, as she sued the magazine for double-billing her subscription, and threatening her with a bad credit rating if she didn't pay up. At least they didn't unleash Steadman on her.

Oprah's new gardening expert was unveiled last week, but she neglected to mention his past as a male stripper at the Australian equivalent of Chippendales.

Labels: stooks scoop

Segment 1 - Stooks shouldn't get time off, that lazy ass!/High Lady's friend trying to make a website (3:17).

Segment 2 - Stooks does too deserve time off! (1:20)

Segment 3 - College athletics blow! (1:38)

Segment 4 - Maxing out (1:44)

Segment 5 - Yeah, she can pull her legs behind her head, but have you seen her face? (3:24)

Segment 6 - I can't run six miles sober (1:09)

Labels: Free for All Friday, show clips

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Classic business advice says to cut out the middleman, and this applies to all areas of your life right now. You'll save time, money and stress when you tackle certain tasks yourself. Except for polar bear Slip ‘N’ Sliding, your best off being a spectator for that.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Challenging authority may make you feel powerful, but you could end up in a heated argument over issues that you ultimately see as trivial. But someone needs to take a moral stand on quality tartar sauce.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you have a problem, speak up. When you can identify areas in your life that aren't working, you'll be on the right track. You might also want a mental health professional close by.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your abilities are almost superhuman. The only problem is that some parasitic types think that means they can lean on you to clean up their messes. Show them the way, but don't perform their tasks for them. Just because you know the best way to get cat urine off an afghan doesn’t mean you should be doing it for them.

Stooks Proverb: Man grows most tired while standing still. Kate Moss grows most tired when she gets all the coke out of her system.

Labels: stooksoscope