Uh oh! Madonna's new baby is wearing the Kaballah bracelet! It all makes sense now.

Kevin Federline says if you hate on him, it just motivates him and then you better watch out!


Bob Barker's retiring from The Price is Right. He'll do his last show in June. Unbelievable stat: he's been doing the show for 35 years and he only had one real public run-in with a "beauty" on the show. That's impressive.


The head of Paramount says Tom Cruise became an embarassment for the studio. and that everyone hates him. "He just didn't turn one [woman] off. He turned off all women, and a lot of men." Wow.


The Hilton Sisters are such an act. They showed up at a club for some Halloween event (it seems Paris has been celebrating Halloween since September). Paris got up and danced and lip synched to her own song, while her little entourage was dancing around her in some celebratory manner. The normal people at the club said "Jesus Christ."


Uh oh, Tara Reid is partying again. I can already see it. Two years from now. Tara Reid on The View talking about parts of her anatomy resembling rotten roast beef.


In case you haven't been grossed out by Sharon Stone for awhile, she's now dating former NBA player Rick Fox. Get Kim Cattrall in there, and oil prices will spike to new record highs.


Axl Rose was bowling at Lucky Strike in South Beach. He got either visually and/or verbally annoyed when someone bought a Guns 'N' Roses song on the jukebox.


Angela Lansbury is doing a broadway play, called "Deuce." There are at least 12 jokes that could send me to Hell on this one. Like, maybe "Deuce" is about the first time Angela Lansbury's character had to have her diaper changed and ass cleaned as an adult in a nursing home.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:28 PM | Permalink | Comments   

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:20 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Dreams? Intuition? This is unlike you -- but the strangest thing of all is that you're actually enjoying this softer side of your personality. Use it! Accessing a different kind of intelligence only makes you stronger, and it may help you figure out how to defrost your freezer.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

You're an expert when it comes to gab, small talk, chitchat -- whatever you want to call it. Just remember that a judicious silence can say more than all the eloquent words in the world. Learn to hold your peace. Unless it’s a debate on who’s the better garbage man. Then you can’t sit back and take all the MC Hammer-bashing.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Feeling scattered? That can be remedied with some organization. Unless you’re scattered because The Terminator froze you and shot you, then you have no choice but to stay scattered. You’re no T-1000.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Well, hey there, dreamweaver! Whatever gets you through the night is just fine. Remember, however, that what you perceive is not necessarily reality. That isn’t horse blood on your hands.

Stooks Proverb: Look after number one. And since it’s Halloween, look out for a flaming bag of number two on your porch. If Mangino's the culprit, be prepared for a full-on blaze from a grocery bag.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:14 AM | Permalink | Comments   

"Yup, here's the little brat that started it all..."

You haven't met the real Paris Hilton: "With my real friends, you know, I talk normal. But with some people I don’t know, I just do it because I don’t want to give them my real self and I really don’t trust them." Sure. In the meantime, we already told you about the bunny outfit she purchased for Halloween. Not sure if it beats the slut cop outfit she wore the other night.

"Don't make me use my cuffs on you."

Whitney Houston is working on her comeback album. I guess it's easier to sing when Bobby Brown's fist isn't in your mouth.


In other altered celebrity news: Courtney Love has been clean for one year. How does she function as a sober person? Seriously?


That bitch! Instead of donating money she promised to an existing charity in Cambodia, Angelina Jolie has set up her own, independent charity there.


Creepy: Michael Jackson is returning to the World Music Awards, where some first witnessed his relationship with a boy that ended in a $20 million settlement in 1993.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:23 PM | Permalink | Comments   

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:06 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your magnetic personality gains an extra dose of cool glamor, but it's definitely accompanies by a touch-me-not air. People might wonder what's going on with you, but you just need a little space right now. And some hand sanitizer. And a dedicated handkerchief for opening doors.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your natural charm greases the wheels. So does the natural grease that develops from under your, well, you know.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Friends -- where would we be without them? Friendless. So, basically like the youngest kid from Home Improvement who ended up being three feet taller than his older brothers on the show, then turned goth, moved to Lawrence and got married.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

The stars send a surplus of mental energy your way. Your mind is sharper than a box of tacks. But your personality is as dull as Jeffrey Dahmer’s favorite knife.

Stooks Proverb: The early bird catches the worm. The promiscuous bird catches the bird flu.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:01 AM | Permalink | Comments   

"Mmmmmm. Chuck E. Cheese's. They have the best small childr...I mean, pizza."

Posted by Matt Stooks at 5:45 PM | Permalink | Comments   

Spank it, or serve dinner on it. Your choice.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You're able to accomplish something tremendous. You suddenly have the insight to realize that you're in this for a marathon, not a sprint. Luckily, you’ve got the cankles for the job.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You're feeling quiet and serious. It's a great time to draw up plans for the future. Stick close to home -- that's your anchor and the place where you're best able to explore any new concepts that are coming up. And it’s the place where the public is least likely to encounter your stench.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your determination makes even the most far-fetched plans seem feasible; and that, combined with your unbeatable work ethic right now, makes you hard to stop. But beware: eating that many eggs will have consequences.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Peak productivity is within your reach. The stars urge you to buckle down, get serious and, above all, tackle at least one of those projects that you had vowed to finish many, many weeks ago. You can do it! Just make sure you have someone to stand guard while you’re huffing.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t drink your tea with a fork. Unless you plan on eating the tea cup, also known as “pulling a Mangino.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:17 AM | Permalink | Comments   

"I need to get Geppetto on the Blacberry to see if he can turn me into a real boy again."

Larry Birkhead has filed a fraud suit against Anna Nicole and her creepy-lawyer-kindof husband. It is the first step to forcing a paternity test in the Bahamas, since Anna Nicole doesn't plan on coming back to the States anytime soon. Anna Nicole's response: "like my body?"


Chevy Chase's appearance on Law & Order airs Friday night. He plays a Mel Gibson-like character. Mel blames the Jews for the terrible casting.


You can buy Britney Spears' autographed Vespa (read: Moped) for charity. Isn't that more of a Federline vehicle? Speaking of Federline, Britney sent out a mass email (you know you got it) saying "it's your last chance to pre-order Kevin's CD." I guess you'll just have to burn friend's copy. Literally. Set it on fire. And if you don't like Kevin's music? He says "go ahead and hate me."


Tara Reid had an awkward appearance on The View Thursday while trying to frighten more people about her messed-up boobs. She took a piece of paper and said "say this is a piece of paper," to which Joy said "That is a piece of paper, Tara."

Listen to Tara's explanation of what her areolas looked like.

And hear her "piece of paper" masterpiece.


To keep himself, and his costars of "Babel" entertained, Brad Pitt gave himself wedgies and waddled around like a duck. I think he just got a whole new group of people fantasizing about him.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 8:38 PM | Permalink | Comments   

"Well, it seems to work for the ladies..."

It was a foggy morning, and one of our listeners couldn't see his gnomes (1:51).

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:10 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

A little fire in your belly helps you attack a new task with vim and vigor. It’s time to eat those Fire Sauce packets you’ve been hoarding from Taco Bell.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Being smart is one thing, but you've got the ability to transcend mere intelligence. You absorb information and make connections that seem obvious once you point them out. Your grasp of “Connect the Dots” is unmatched.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You're wildly exuberant and then you've got your nose to the grindstone. And if your name is Kate Moss, you’ve probably got a white powdery substance and a razor blade to the grindstone, too.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pull your head out of the clouds and think about the future. This may not be the most comfortable mental place for you, but it's required. Go ahead and be as abstract as necessary. What is it that you want from your life? Comfort? Style? It’s time to decide. What kind of cardboard box will you be living in?

Stooks Proverb: The last straw breaks the camel’s back. So stop wasting time with straws, the first Mangino breaks the camel’s back, too.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:37 AM | Permalink | Comments   

"Let's see if I can get you to puke."

It's being played off as a joke, but some think Kelly Ripa and Katie Couric are mortal enemies. She said Katie avoids her at media functions and will even move around name cards so she won't have to sit near Kelly. Regis envy for sure.


Lance Bass' boyfriend says he's been getting threats for being gay. Amazingly, they're for the time he spent in the military, not for robbing millions of mentally defective teenage girls of their man.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:41 PM | Permalink | Comments   

"For the last time grandma, you're not Mona!"

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:22 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You have leadership abilities that you haven't even tapped yet. Add to that a sense of optimism that draws even more people to you. This is perfect, because you've been in the mood to lead a movement. Rise ant children! Rise!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Consider yourself blessed. With that winning attitude in place, you shouldn't be surprised when adverse circumstances turn out to be immensely favorable. Believe in yourself and aid will come from a mighty force: Louie Anderson’s lower intestine.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Coordination is the key to making all the elements in your life come together. Give yourself some room to make a few mistakes. It may take a little practice at first, but you'll soon have the rhythm. Then, no one will stand in the way of your wiffle ball dominance.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Sometimes that restless feeling can't be explained away intellectually or rationally -- you just have to learn to accept it for what it is. Long walks or another physical endeavor can help you process it. But nothing will make Gary Busey’s lack of career options go away.

Stooks Proverb: Love will find a way. Even if Mangino’s in the way, love will still take the 50 mile detour around his perimeter.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:33 PM | Permalink | Comments   

This led to a discussion on stupid fights, cranberries and our company softball game (5:09).

The Cranwhore

The latest Stooks Voicemail (370-HACK) (1:49).

"Terrible Relationship Advice." (1:02)

Posted by Matt Stooks at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You're magnetic -- truly, a creature of irresistible mystery. Get set to dazzle the next person who crosses your path. They'll stay dazzled! And they’ll even tell their friends! Holding a dead squirrel in your mouth is no easy feat.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Trying to read someone's mind? Stop before you start losing your own. The truth is you'll never know exactly what this person was thinking when they said that. Sometimes the phrase “doodoo head” has nothing to do with that accident you had in the Johnny on the Spot.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your sign is deeply misunderstood. Sure, you're dangerous -- but only when provoked. Make sure to give a certain party one or two warning signs. Showing off your pit stains should do the job.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You're holding onto something very tightly because you know deep in your heart that it's yours. What about loosening that grasp? Not only will you get some breathing space, but you'll also get a longer lifespan out of your TMX Elmo.

Stooks Proverb: The eyes are the window to the soul. You might want to think about closing the blinds to keep that creep with the binoculars from getting too good a look...especially with that fat naked guy walking around your soul.

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Capricorn

Are you secretly holding onto an old longing? Be careful -- if you let it sit inside you unvoiced, you could start to feel resentful. Emotions like those can start to fester, just like that Taco Bell bean burrito that fell behind your couch two months ago.

Gemini

There's a part of you that loves chaos -- the more ideas, places and people floating around, the better. No, that’s not an excuse to drown your mailman in the bathtub. You’re the one that let your subscription to High Times lapse, not him.

Libra

Relating to another person and creating solid partnerships is key to your sense of happiness. It's time to look at the partnerships you already have and be thankful. Then look at the ones that need a little more help. Your neglect of Teddy Ruxpin has gone too far.

Pisces

The stars say that it's time to get the teeter-tottering movement of your emotional state under control. Just because you feel like going to extremes inwardly doesn't mean that your outer life has to reflect that. Lose the handlebar moustache, already.

Stooks Proverb: Opportunity seldom knocks twice. But when it does, it usually comes back, all methed-up with a rusty knife.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:57 AM | Permalink | Comments   

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This week's John Stossel Pick: Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person. Five stashes.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Leo

A little modesty adds an intriguing element to your usual self-confidence. Others are intrigued by this humble side of you, but they mostly think your megaphone simply broke.

Sagittarius

It's time for you to take it to the limit. In the process, you might discover that those so-called limits are really just self-perceived limitations. Give yourself permission to try all kinds of things. You’ll show Screech who the real Sultan of Scat is!

Taurus

You can't be considered a sore loser if you remember the most important lesson from this endeavor. Take responsibility for all your actions. Well, all your actions except the time you urinated on that bum in the alley.

Virgo

Other people need to make a lot of bluster to feel like they have a place in this world. You, on the other hand, are so secure that you can afford to be subtle, discreet and quiet. And since you can’t grow a Hitler stash anyway, you’ll have to impress Mel Gibson with your drunken ramblings.

Stooks Proverb: Never do things by halves. Except for Mangino. Always do him in halves.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:41 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Inventor: The "Sunglass in the Wife Beater" look

Shocking news: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding plans have changed. They'll get married next month in Italy, but not at George Clooney's place. I knew he wasn't freakish enough to let Tom Cruise use his home.


Madonna and Guy Ritchie have finally been spotted in England. Madonna went to her pilates session. Guy went on a bike ride. Their new baby boy got to spend some more time without them. Maybe she isn't such a bad parent, after all. The tabloids say she's looking into getting a girl next.


It looks like Eddie Murphy is going to be a new baby daddy, too! He and Scary Spice are expecting. Who would've thought simply getting knocked up by Eddie Murphy could get someone other than Posh in the press.


Omarosa has new boobs. She's talking about it publicly to "avoid speculation." I don't know how much speculating you really need to do, though:

"Let's see Mr. Trump fire me now!"

Random: Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey are really close friends. With his lung capacity, you'd think Lance would upset Matthew by smoking all his pot in one draw.


The Enquirer says O.J. is getting $3.5 million to describe how he killed his ex and her lover "blow by blow." Why do I get the feeling "then I watched Naked Gun 33 1/3" will be in the book?


Also from The Enquirer: Isaiah Washington may lose his job as Dr. Burke on Grey's Anatomy for what he said before choking Patrick Dempsey on the set: "I'm not your little faggot like (name withheld)." Gay bashing and attacking the male lead on the set don't usually guarantee job security.


Sharon Osbourne is having her gastric bypass surgery undone and turning to psychotherapy instead to control her eating. That poor psychiatrist.


No Paris Hilton or Lohan story? WTF?!

Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:59 PM | Permalink | Comments   

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:09 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Aquarius

Education takes you even further than you thought it would. So the topic is unusual -- after all, if you want to learn about ant farming practices, why shouldn't you? It could come in handy in an unexpected manner: making your boss do the “ants in my pants” dance.

Cancer

Giving back to the Earth is a good thing. Tell that to the police the next time they question you as you pop a squat in the woods.

Scorpio

A need for solitude gets turned up a notch. Just make sure you let the people in your life know that this is a temporary thing. If they know you well, they should be used to your pension for sitting in the closet surrounded by your My Little Pony collection.

Aries

A barrage of self-criticism takes you off guard. Who is this inner critic, and why on earth is he speaking so loudly right now? It seems you’ve been possessed by the soul of Gene Siskel again.

Stooks Proverb: Dog does not eat dog. Unless it crashes in the mountains and some greedy person already ate all the chocolate.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:36 AM | Permalink | Comments   

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Capricorn

You're a big believer in the true, humble virtues of hard work and impressive results. Now, however, you could use a little glitz to further your cause. Show everyone just what a player you can be. No, I didn’t say “go piggin’.”

Gemini

What happens when you give a little spark plenty of air? Well, it turns into a great, big roaring flame. Use it to burn Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows into something decent.

Libra

The stars give you a much needed center to operate from, especially when it comes to making decisions. Sometimes you can get stuck on being fair. Now it's time to start throwing above the waist in kickball.

Pisces

Give voice to your concerns in a creative way. Whatever is on your mind can be turned into art if you find the correct outlet. Just beware of that serial mime killer who’s been running rampant.

Stooks Proverb: Live and learn. Then get Luvs. Then soil them. Then place it in your neighbor’s mailbox. They’ll be shocked in two weeks when they come back from Europe.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:25 AM | Permalink | Comments   

"Be careful with the hat, bro."

Jennifer Aniston's Oprah appearance aired today. As People said earlier, she's not through with Vince Vaughn. She also says her boobs got bigger not because of a boob job, but because that's where she put on weight. Why would you lose that weight in the first place, then? Also, Vince Vaughn is reportedly suing three newspapers for reporting a makeout session with some random woman.


Lindsay Lohan got served, literally, while she was on the red carpet at an awards show the other night. They don't know what she got subpoenaed for, but at least she wasn't served on the dance floor by Paris again.

"Is this for being a firecrotch again?"

Speaking of which, she was seen the other day, dining with the guy who called her a firecrotch. Maybe she was showing off her wax job so he wouldn't call her a firecrotch again.


Bobby Brown just got caught up on his child support, paying $11 thousand. Anyone else suspect crack dealings?


Ashton Kutcher won't let Demi Moore see President Clinton again. I guess Bill was a little flirtatious with her at some dinner party. The Enquirer says it led to the biggest fight of their relationship. Just because Bill can out-manwhore you Ashton, don't be a player hater.


Eva Longoria and Tony Parker madeout in public the other day. Doesn't it look like she's missing his face?

"God I love encircling this lipmole with my tongue!"

It looks like Madonna beat the human rights groups and successfully stole a child from Malawi. It was such a loving scene as the child boarded a plane with Madonna's bodyguard.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 5:06 PM | Permalink | Comments   

Tight pink undies as a skirt = 50 percent tip

In other show activity...

"Gnomes," the movie (3:15).

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:39 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Leo

Sometimes you can get so attracted by the glitter that you edge dangerously close to going over the top. Take a step back -- or better yet, ask a good friend for their perspective on the matter. The temporary tattoo of Bob Saget on your left butt check might be a bit much.

Sagittarius

Sometimes you need to make inner changes to see outer results; other times, it's the exact opposite. Now is a moment where making concrete changes revitalizes your inner landscape for the better. Laying off the chili-cheese dogs might help your innards, too.

Taurus

Someone seems intent on rubbing you the wrong way. The library just isn’t that place for that.

Virgo

You're always on the go, but the stars strongly recommend you put on the brakes. Your mind, body and soul need some time to recuperate. Gather your forces so you're ready for the next required round of effort: a game of Uno at Sue Ellen’s.

Stooks Proverb: Barking dogs seldom bite. Unless you give them a cupcake or something.

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Aquarius

Mistakes were made. Hey, it happens. Sometimes people speak without thinking. That's what happens when you're a human being. Poop in your pants happens when you’re old and a human being, too.

Cancer

Focus on the present, especially if you're dealing with a disagreement with a loved one. Bringing up the past will only create more hurt and can muddy the waters even further. Be big about this and think about the long term: you wouldn’t want your joint “men’s 50 and over” softball card collection to be jeopardized, would you?

Scorpio

You feel more grounded when you're at home these days. If you want to socialize, why not invite a few very close chums over so you can congregate around a board game? While you’re chumming it up, be sure to compare your rotting teeth.

Aries

Mother yourself right now. Just because you're normally a go-go-go type doesn't mean you can't enjoy some slow-slow-slow. Put on a fluffy bathrobe, grab a good book, and beat your mailman over the head with it.

Stooks Proverb: A stitch in time saves nine. But Mangino can sit on all nine at once. A lot of surface area on that ass.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:27 AM | Permalink | Comments   

"Two! Two nipples! Aw! Aw! Aw! (think the Sesame Street Count)"

Paris Hilton says a text message she sent to Nicole Richie started their reconciliation. Who would've know "69 2nite" was such a powerful phrase?


Jennifer Aniston just filmed an appearance on Oprah. People Magazine says she told O her and Vince are still together. I think she just said it so Oprah wouldn't lez out on her.


Kevin Federline is forbidding Britney Spears from using male dancers in her videos. If one d-bag dancer could steal her heart, what would stop another? By the way, K-Fed was on CSI, which I'm watching as I write this. Press the play button to hear his interaction with a cop on the scene of a crime. Man, I'm glad I kept watching. Here's an even better clip.


Grey's Anatomy's Patrick Dempsey and Isaiah Washington have made up after their little cat fight. Now let's get them a reality show.


Alec Baldwin tried to talk his way past a police barricade after that small aircraft accidentally flew into that apartment building in New York yesterday. Like most things Alec does, it didn't work.

"My brother was in Backdraft. That pratically makes me Chief of Police!"

Hasselhoff's wife says the Hoff only claimed a $60,000 income for the past year, yet somehow paid for $100,000 a month in credit card bills. Can you blame him for lying? Those pecks don't wax themselves.


Madonna adopted a 1-year-old boy from Malawi, after all. Amazingly, he already spoke his first words! "Uh. I'd rather stay here, thank you."


Angelina Jolie's driver hit a motorcycle while trying to get away from photographers. No one was hurt. She even read a book in the car while she waited for the police to show up.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:52 PM | Permalink | Comments   

Directed by: Chris Casey
Written by: Chris Casey and Matt Stooks
Art by: Photoshop Adam

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At least he got the technicolored skull cap.

Speaking of Paris and her cat fights, she may have dumped Travis Barker after her punched face made headlines. It's "not what she needs in her life right now." I'm not sure if she means the drama or the whole only sitting on it with only one dude thing.


Shanna Moakler, the girl involved in the fight, says she wants to put it behind her. Thinking it was a challenge, Paris says she wants to put "it" behind and in front at the same time.


Mario Lopez may be diddling his partner on "Dancing with the Stars." How piggish, right Jessie Spano?

Now performing a Waltz to "Oh, Artie Boy," it's Mario Lopez!

Nicole Richie, Lohan and Mischa were all at some karaoke bar the other night. They sang "Girls just want to be sluts." Sorry.


Busted! Jessica Simpson caught with short and long hair on the same day! Extensions. Maybe her dad has some weird scalping fetish now.


One of Tom Cruise's rubber stunt guns from "Mission Impossible" has ended up on eBay. Make sure you wash all the crazy off before using.


ABC is bringing back the original "Extreme Makeover" (think "The Swan") to Friday nights. Let the flubber fly!

Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:57 PM | Permalink | Comments   

"Damn split ends!"

In other show activity...

The old, moaning, possibly German woman crashes her car again (1:34).

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Leo

Your quick wit steps in and saves the day. Quips, repartee and rejoinders are all on your mental menu. And Mangino’s hungry.

Sagittarius

Communication is key to making sure events go smoothly on this day. Making a to-do list will help you get everything accomplished in good time. Just make sure “take your semi-weekly bath” is at the top of the list.

Taurus

Expand your understanding of the outside world. Pick up some foreign newspapers. Ask the smartest person you know to explain a difficult concept. Your brain will be grateful once it figures out hopscotch.

Virgo

You've been sitting in a chair too long. Feel the rhythm! The stars want you to put on your boogie shoes and cut loose. Take a dance class, jump some rope or just put on some music and shake what your mama gave you: epilepsy.

Stooks Proverb: One man’s meat is another man’s poison. Unless he lives in Massachusetts.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:18 AM | Permalink | Comments   

"With the combined I.Q. of a toenail in need of Lamisil..."

Paris also says she will file a restraining order against Shanna Moakler, the girl Stavros Niarchos threw down some stairs after throwing a drink on her. Paris says Nacho just threw the drink in response to Shanna punching Paris in the face. Shanna must've "fallen" down the stairs, then.

Jessica Simpson's basically confirmed she's with John Mayer, by saying her relationship with him is "private." She's also saying that she's going to be in a movie with Luke Wilson, so the tabloids will probably say she's dating him, too. So, the tabloids called a "source" close to Luke, who said "Luke Wilson will never do a movie with Jessica Simpson."


Quentin Tarantino is dating some hot, mystery Asian woman. She was spotted licking his fingers while he ate sliders at some party. That is filthy.


Ellen and Portia de Rossi will get married in June, according to The Enquirer. Ellen has to be great in the sack to pull this relationship off.

Jerry Springer's daughter thinks he should run for President. I tend to agree.


Dr. Phil shoots some episodes at a regular house, in a regular neighborhood. But the regular neighborhood doesn't like the crack addicts and racists Phil puts in there, so now production at the house has been shut down.


Paula Abdul has been named the 2007 Nevada Ballet Theater's "Woman of the Year." I guess being drunk for an hour and a half on TV each week is one of the requirements.


Some guy bought the rights to BindiIrwin.com, named after the Crocodile Hunter's daughter. He said it was going to be a tribute site. But it ended up having a whole bunch of anti-Israel web links. Luckily, a family member was able to get control of the site and fix it.


Bob Saget returns to TV this Friday in the Deal or No Deal spinoff "1 vs. 100." I hope they let him work in some of his great character voices from the AFHV days.

Posted by Matt Stooks at 5:18 PM | Permalink | Comments   

Midget clowns are funny...unless possessed.

In other show activity...

"Baby Buying" (0:56).

Steve Schnell's "Fall Weather Report" (1:08).

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Aquarius

Someone says something that strikes a nerve -- but you're determined not to show that it got to you. Hey, you're human -- go ahead and reveal the effects. That way it won't turn into resentment, just a nasty rash to horrify your family and friends.

Cancer

Why not give yourself a break and let life do the work? Rather than planning and micromanaging every aspect of your existence, learn to deal with what happens in the here and now -- and, better yet, enjoy it. While you’re at it, buy a new recliner for all your ‘sitting there’ needs.

Scorpio

Start off the day in a leisurely, sensual fashion. Enjoy your body and the environment. But if your boss catches you sucking your own toes again, there’s gonna be trouble.

Aries

What do French fries, bad pop music and a trashy book have in common? They're all fun and nutritionally worthless. They’re also in Mark Mangino’s belly button at the moment.

Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? If you want to ride it.

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"Next time I sail the ocean blue, I won't forget the Rolaids."

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Capricorn

Your inner haggler comes out and runs the show for the day. But who wouldn’t penny-pinch when it comes to buying one of those bracelets that comes in those little dome things out of those little machines. They really drive a hard bargain.

Gemini

Make love the foundation for your entire life. Start at home, and then see how you can expand your definition of love and care to all the areas of your existence. Surround yourself in mirrors, that’ll ensure the love flows freely.

Libra

Your mental scales are tipping wildly as you keep piling more evidence on one side and then the other. Plant your feet and think about what you want the end result to be instead of worrying about making things equal. Now go ahead and move the Cubans back to the cellar.

Pisces

Are you so tired of gritting your teeth over this matter that you're willing to butt heads instead? Fine -- a little healthy confrontation is good for the soul. And you’re knife feels lonesome right now, anyway.

Stooks Proverb: Let bygones be bygones. And let Busey be Busey.

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"I'll have Sloth beat the hell out of him, hon."

Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, etc. are in for some trouble getting into some exclusive clubs. Club owners are sick of their childish behavior and don't plan on letting them in anymore. But what about the dance-offs and assaults we've come to know and love from them? Someone call Fox!


Mel Gibson's taking his story to Good Morning America this Thursday and Friday. He's already filmed the interview with Dianne Sawyer. I just hope GMA's accountant wasn't on hand.

"I think I have one of those damn Jewish earwigs."

Kate Moss' boyfriend had to cancel his tour with his band, The Babyshambles. His people say he didn't take enough time after rehab. But the tabloids say Kate Moss forced him off the tour because of his drug problem. How bad is that when Kate Moss intervenes because of your drug problem? Oh, and this article says she wants to have a baby, thinking that might stop him from using drugs. Too bad his sperm will be too busy beating the hell out of each other to fertilize.


Jude Law's ex, Sienna Miller, is filming an indie film in Pittsburgh, or "Shitsburgh," as she calls it. She's apologized and said her words were taken out of context. Oh, I guess she must've said "damn anyone who calls this gorgeous town "Shitsburgh."


Finally the scandal we've been screaming for: a tell-all book by Walter Cronkite's former chef. The most shocking allegation? Walter would keep changing the number of people who were coming to dinner! What an old, son of a bitch.


Desperate Houswife Marcia Cross is expecting twins. That ought to piss Teri Hatcher off.

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Visual approximation of today's show

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Leo

It's time to put aside petty concerns. Muster up your enthusiasm and think about what lies ahead. Don't let the small stuff stop you from taking the first and very necessary step toward a new stage in your development: changing your own diaper.

Sagittarius

Activities that involve waiting or patience are definitely not your strong suit right now. Instead, pick up and head out for the open air. Your restless spirit requires lots of stimulation and adventure. Your great grandpa’s spirit still complains about Medicare.

Taurus

Thoughts become actions before you know it, especially if you refuse to fully acknowledge what's crossing your mind. Be fully aware of what you're thinking. And beware the dark side of the force.

Virgo

You're always poised, reserved and in control -- until now. Damn you Don Miguel Bean Burrito!

Stooks Proverb: You only live once. Unless you press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start. Then you get 30 lives per player!

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"We'll speak whatever language you want, Stooks."

In other show activity...

Former Congressman/potential pedophile Mark Foley calls the show and confuses me for a 16 year old (1:16).

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Aquarius

Self-sacrifice isn't a problem for you. Just make sure that while you give, you shouldn't actually give until it hurts. Usually that’s after you donate the second kidney.

Cancer

Not everyone gets you right now, but that's fine -- after all, you know that you have your own special style that can't be duplicated. Just because you and Screech are in the minority doesn’t make you dirtballs…unless it involves scat play. What’s that? Oh, never mind. You are a freak.

Scorpio

You understand an emotional type more than most, especially when their ways are dissected by the more straitlaced. Defending them isn't your job -- however, defusing any nasty or unworthy gossip absolutely is. Unless it’s some good gossip like “Do you see how Cindy’s walking today? And check out that smile on Fred’s face!”

Aries

What's this? Your usually go-for-it attitude has toned down. You're feeling gentle, dreamy and in touch with the larger forces. Go with the flow. Maximize your mood and explore meditation or keep a dream journal. Just don’t let anyone find out, or it’ll be like that time your mom found those leather accessories in your closet.

Stooks Proverb: If you play with fire, you get burned. And it doesn’t share its Tickle Me Elmo Extreme.

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"Whoops! Here's something I haven't screwed."

Speaking of which, Kevin Connolly wants to marry Nicky Hilton. She is a little reluctant since her first marriage ended after six weeks, and since Paris is winning the "who can sleep with the most people" bet.


To celebrate the birth of his latest son, Kevin Federline handed out cigars...in Vegas. Without Britney. Britney wasn't very happy about it. Neither is a photographer who had her camera pushed into her own nose when she tried to take a picture of Kevin. I guess he left his "good" wife beater at home. From Page Six: he'll get $10 million if Britney leaves him.

"Doritos. Mmmm."

Someone spotted Mel Gibson enjoying a beer with a couple young ladies. What's that old saying? You can take the Anti-Semite out of liquor but you can't take the liquor out of the Anti-Semite.


Madonna is such a copycat. She's adopted an African baby. Then, she wants to makeout with it at the MTV VMA's.


Eva Longoria and Tony Parker haven't broken up.


SHARON STONE WITHOUT MAKEUP!!!

"There is no Sharon. Only Zeul."

Cher is auctioning off some paintings, furniture and gowns. Fumigation not included.


Some woman in Georgia wants to ban the Harry Potter books in schools because of their ties to witchcraft. I think she just has wand envy.


Siegfried and Roy have been inducted to the Las Vegas Walk of Stars. They likely madeout later on.


Tori Spelling is pregnant with her first baby. Boring.

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"What's wrong with you, boy? Not a day goes by that I don't walk out of here with some serious tail."

We didn't air this, but we're guessing it comes from a deaf person who listens to the show. I know that doesn't make sense. Just listen to it.

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Capricorn

Sometimes resting is its own form of exercise. Initially you may scoff at that, but learning how to truly relax and shrug off the everyday burdens of tension is an art: an art well-suited to your meticulous dismembering technique.

Gemini

Learn to admit when you made a mistake. Next, go to the parties who were injured by that mistake and apologize wholeheartedly. No one should be forced to listen to your slander of acting god Dave Coulier.

Libra

Someone you haven't met could be just the person to change your life. Once they see your face, they probably won’t help.

Pisces

Your intuition is so accurate these days, it's almost uncanny. You arrive at correct perceptions through unorthodox data: the number of Starburst Jelly Beans it takes to make you hurl.

Stooks Proverb: Old habits die hard, especially when that habit is collecting Hugh Downs photos.

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"I always have the hardest times undoing those seashell bras."

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"So many panties...so little time."

In other show activity...

Some guy speaking nonsense (2:06).

Chris and I discuss the idea of James Earl Jones topless (2:10).

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Leo

Variety spices up your life if you let it. Just make sure you have some Pepto-Bismol handy.

Sagittarius

One of your greatest gifts is your ability to believe: in yourself, in possibility and, most of all, in UFOs. The stars just love your tinfoil spaceman suit you devised to greet the visitors.

Taurus

A window of opportunity opens up, but it requires a little work on your part to find it -- it's not easily visible. Just follow the smell of burnt Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Virgo

You've been so careful about budgeting -- whether it's time, money or energy -- that you actually have a surplus. You can afford to share with someone, just not the less fortunate. You have a rule against that.

Stooks Proverb: First come, first served. But they close the buffet when Mangino is in sight.

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Paris Hilton's ass was hanging out at a release party for Janet Jackson's new CD.

"Top that, Lohan!"

Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka, is dating Lance Armstrong. He's also been linked to Paris Hilton. Honestly, who hasn't slept with her, yet?


George Clooney plans to trick the paparazzi by dating a different actress each night. Trick them into thinking he's a man-whore?


Uh oh! In this article, Katie Holmes looks pregnant! And in this one, she's lost an unbelievable amount of weight since she gave birth. In both, she's married to a freak, so at least we know they got that right.


There's an arrest warrant in Massachusetts for delinquent child support payments.

"This is some bullsh#*! In L.A. they let me pay in crack!"

Jude Law is talking about Nannygate. "You have to take it on the chin and learn somehow to hold your head up high and face up to it." That's what she said (credit Michael Scott)


George Michael just got busted while slumped over the wheel of his car. He had pot. He was taken to a hospital since they found him passed out. "He's fine and I've got him a McDonald's," his boyfriend said. I just got a bad image of them playing in the balls at the PlayPlace.

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Stooks models the man purse

Chris sees Stooks with his man purse

Posted by Matt Stooks at 9:11 AM | Permalink | Comments   

Aquarius

No one, but no one can bring the wacky the way you can. Except you know that your ideas are far from wacky -- it's just that everyone else is so hopelessly boring! I mean, come on, who wouldn’t appreciate a sweater woven from 100% American back hair.

Cancer

The inner worth of a person is never visible in the outer shell. You know that, especially since you dissected that circus clown.

Scorpio

Some zany ideas will put you in a tailspin. Your first instinct may be to pass on these kooky brainstorms, but hold on. Write everything down and save it for later. Just make sure your ideas don’t fall into the hands Unibrow Sexaholics Magazine.

Aries

You're ready to strike out on your own with some original and extremely brainy ideas. You'll be better off mulling over these concepts in private, in a very dark room with African tribal music playing in the background.

Stooks Proverb: Patience is a virtue. So is sitting through just the audio from an episode of “Baywatch.”

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