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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Don't lose heart if some recent adventures haven't turned out quite as you'd hoped. Instead, shake off some of that weight pressing down on your shoulders. You really shouldn’t offer piggyback rides to Rosie O’Donnell.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Recent frustrations about your progress on the job will vanish if you take the time to examine any attitudes that are holding you back. Next step: finding ways to get rid of them. Suggestion: a Suzanne Somers piñata.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Feel like your interest in love has been more rusty than lusty as of late? Not a problem. Everyone goes through those low-energy periods now and then. They usually follow a Flintstones Vitamin binge.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Just because you're in demand doesn't mean you have to appear at everything you're asked to attend. There are only so many birthday cakes a reasonable person can pop out of in a given time.

Stooks Proverb: The tongue can paint what the eye can’t see. The Paris Hilton tongue has the added benefit of painting sores on people.

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Bono is now a knight. And you thought he couldn't become more pretentious.


Diddy says he had tantric sex for at least 30 hours on a recent trip to Paris. He says he's more meticulous with his lovemaking than "my work." Doesn't say much.


Al Roker produced a documentary on childhood obesity for the Food Network. Is he going to recommend parents saw their kids' stomachs in half?

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Your ideas about relationships are changing and maturing. You no longer seek a companion to get you through an episode of Dawson’s Creek without crying. That Pacey gets you every time.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Make sure people know you're not just talk -- you know how to take action, too, especially when it comes to those great ideas of yours. Ron Popeil will kick himself for not thinking of a deluxe Food Dehydrator, complete with squirrel jerky compartment.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Don't let fear influence your next steps. Stick to Viaka.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You're terribly allergic to boredom. But, believe it or not, that weird drip you have is a symptom of something else.

Stooks Proverb: The good die young. Maybe Bea Arthur isn’t as sweet as she seems.

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"Yup. It feels good to not be dead and have people care about it."

Marc Anthony moved out of the way so J-Lo could have cameras all to herself before a TRL appearance. At least he knows his place.


Donald Trump slapped Vince McMahon at a Wrestlemania press conference to continue their "feud." Maybe it's not a work for the cameras. Vince could've said "Rosie's not THAT ugly," to provoke him.


The rights to O.J. Simpson's book, "If I Did It," go up for auction April 17th. They better throw some Tupperware on the auction block with it.


A friend says Nicole Kidman is pregnant. Much more reliable than her "looking pregnant" in the past.


The ancestors of the guy who tried to assassinate Hitler don't want Tom Cruise playing the movie role. They think he might try to promote Scientology with the film. They're also secretly pissed at how he ruined Katie Holmes.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone's impressed with how good you are at being in charge. Too bad that someone is Jennifer Lopez’s three year old niece.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You have a decision to make, but you need lots of peace and quiet to identify the option that's really best for you. Tell your loved ones you need to do this on your own. Meditation will help clear your mind. So will pictures of Pauly Shore.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Learn to bend and you might not have to break, especially when it comes to dealing with a head honcho type. In other words, someone's looking for a fight, so don't give them the chance. Tell them their shoe’s untied, then flee.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Ease up on workaholic tendencies. It's a good time to seek out some fun-loving pals and cement the bonds of friendship with a game of Old Maid, where you all put on grey wigs, dress up like Barbara Bush, and have a pillow fight.

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"You're kidding? Someone already has the name 'Fat Joe?'"

Jessica Simpson donated a minivan to a Mexican orphanage. She has been looking to adopt, but smuggling is so much easier.


Punk'd has been canceled. I can't wait until Ashton breaks it to Demi that she's been punk'd with their relationship.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

This rough patch of your recent history is, believe it or not, a great opportunity to learn how to change things for the better. Stop bemoaning your fate. Figure out the divine lesson in these events: Jesus is the only one who can make a decent glass of wine out of water. He makes a damn fine Margarita, too.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Emotional setbacks can hurt like heck. If only you could convince Quentin Tarantino to work Tom Selleck into one of his films.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You're not out of the woods yet. Keep a positive attitude and have faith that you'll get through this just fine. Once you figure out how to use Nair without getting hives, you’ll be at the beach in no time.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A friend may resent the ease with which you attract the right people, but it's not your problem. If they want to talk about it, of course you'll listen, or at least pretend to listen while you’re actually replaying Baywatch episodes in your head.

Stooks Proverb: Opportunity seldom knocks twice. That’s why the Jehova’s Witnesses have such a tough time.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Someone else's emotions are making you uncomfortable, possibly because they quite accurately mirror what you're trying to keep hidden. You really should’ve buried it before having company over.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Communication may be a little touch-and-go now, so make sure you double-check those emails and text messages before sending anything out., especially if it’s something as hasty as LOL.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Nothing freshens up your home like some redecorating attempts or a new coat of paint. Why not apply the same practice to your mind and body, too? Surely a full-body paint job is acceptable for casual Friday.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

It's a great time to think about putting down roots. That’ll make your constant use of “make like a tree and leaf” joke a tad more acceptable.

Stooks Proverb: Only the tent pitched by your own hands will stand. Just don’t do it at the school bus stop anymore. You’ll get arrested if you keep that up.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An eagerness to put a recent squabble behind you may send you from the frying pan straight into the fire. That’s a place only suitable for s’mores.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Having this much activity going on can be just a touch unsettling, but withdrawing from the scene won't help anything. Just because something feels out of sync doesn't mean it'll be that way forever. You just need to stop eating Play-Doh for a couple hours.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Romance can be exhilarating and passionate if you're willing to take a chance. Make sure you have enough cash and a full-body latex suit for the transaction.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It's a good time to be discreet about your options, whether they're career-related or on the more personal side. Some envious types are looking to cause mischief, and they’ve got the air horn to do it.

Stooks Proverb: Give an inch, and they’ll take a yard or your great aunt Mable at knifepoint.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You're ready to raise the stakes when it comes to a high-risk game involving your emotions. The stars say to sit this hand out. So does the secondhand smoke coming from that dude with the Marlboro Reds who hasn’t left the casino in four days.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Family can be absolutely maddening, but they also know and love you like no one else can. How long has it been since you've communicated with them? Sounds like the perfect situation for a game of charades.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Expand your current social circle. Yes, your friends are great, but they don’t have easy access to prescription drugs.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If a dish regularly gave you heartburn, would you keep eating it over and over again? Of course you wouldn't. That doesn’t include diarrhea, so Olive Garden is still in play.

Stooks Proverb: Dig the well before you’re thirsty or before you have a body to dispose.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Repressing your emotions won't be helpful in the end. In fact, holding things in will eventually just make you feel like blowing your top. Paris Hilton has video to document this phenomenon.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Remind yourself how far you've come. That should help you overcome some mental obstacles so you're able to move forward. You really should visit that Aggieville dumpster that gave you your start.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Peace and quiet are high on your must-have list, especially when you consider the recent compromises and sacrifices you've made. Before you know it, TMX Elmo will fall to number two on the list.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Romance goes right off the charts when you really give it your best shot. If you're attached, make sure you set aside time for each other -- no interruptions. And make sure you check in with that psychologist who specializes in Siamese twin incest.

Stooks Proverb: Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and there’s usually a Donald Trump to tell us exactly how Rosie got the will to look that way.

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"It reminded me of some ghastly after-prom performance at a motel."

Donald Trump has now started a feud with George W. Bush. He thinks Bush is a liar. At least he's not fat and ugly like Rosie.


Star Jones hasn't talked to anyone at The View since she left the show. I'm sure they're all very upset over that.


Lindsay Lohan's dad is out of prison after serving two years. Now he can get back to being a positive role model for his daughter.


Mario Lopez is still single, but he's no Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You're on the receiving end of some unusual celestial energy right now, especially when it comes to trusting your inner wisdom. Oh, wait, that’s just Olive Garden indigestion.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Be on the lookout for miscommunications, especially where relatives, loved ones and old friends are concerned. Your mind is on other things. Make sure they know you're listening to them when they speak. Maybe you should take that Patrick Duffy poster down so you can pay better attention.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A desire to make the world a better place fills your heart. Unfortunately, a desire to film your own Bumfights videos fills your funny bone.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Does it seem as if someone's always busy right when you want to talk to them? Communication styles are slightly out of sync right now. Chalk it up to those eccentric stars. Wait it out with patience and good humor. Try using those hilarious cancer jokes you read online.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you, unless what you don’t know is that Rosie is doing her upside-down depression therapy directly above you.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Excitement is growing even more than it was before. Has someone been taking the Enzyte plunge with Smiling Bob?

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Assuming that other people's lives are totally under control while you're a big mess is silly. See if you can transfer your mess to them, Federline style.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A cooler side of your personality prevails right now. Good for you. Don't let minor altercations become much bigger under today's celestial influences. Tomorrow’s celestial forecast is more in line with a beat down. Wait it out.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

'What goes around comes around' isn't just a saying. If anything, it's more like a rule to live by. What would you rather spread -- contentment or anger? Happiness or irritation? It's in your hands, especially now. Just don’t write a song; Timberlake already did that.

Stooks Proverb: Dead men tell no tales. Dead Mermaids have tails.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Some parties really want to get aggressive, but you don't have to succumb to their combative tendencies. Give them one of your special brownies, their tone will change in no time.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

People from your past may rekindle old feelings. The million-dollar question is this: Do you want to create new memories with them? Make sure you don't fall into old, bad habits. Remember how hard it was to explain your imaginary friends the last time?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Personal needs demand that you rethink your schedule. Maybe it’s time to finally succumb to reading on the toilet. Doonesbury seems like a good natural laxative, anyway.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

With so many new goings-on around you at home and at work, it's time to take extra-special care of yourself on multiple levels. The stars just aren’t sure what level armpit tickling falls into.

Stooks Proverb: True love never grows old; it just gets wrinkly and sloppy.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Blazing a new trail isn't easy, but the effort will be worth it. People will know you're a force to be reckoned with once you’ve completed your Hasselhoffro.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Trying to figure out what's really going on in someone else's head is a fool's game, unless it’s Britney Spears’ head. That’s a challenging game for the whole family.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Take other people's comments with a grain of salt, and you'll be much better off. Nothing you sign up for now is set in stone. Luckily, the rule of Columbia House has come to an end.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Pay attention to how you're allocating your energy these days. If it's well spent, you'll end up getting more done than you thought possible. If not, you’ll end up the youngest kid from Home Improvement.

Stooks Proverb: A miss is as good as a mile. And when you’re aiming at Louie Anderson’s ass, it’s all the more embarrassing.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Working with a certain coworker seems like it's asking for trouble, but you know how making assumptions can cause trouble. The stars say if you restrict yourself to the task at hand, you might get more done than you'd hoped for, especially if the task is playing with Microsoft Paint.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Ignore any pressure you're feeling (especially if it's coming from yourself). Let any relevant parties know you're not quite ready to make a move, but you will be soon. Then go somewhere peaceful to think. Check to see if there’s a Kevin Costner film playing somewhere.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Ambitious moves and power shifts on the job help put you in place for the brass ring. Your success is assured, especially when the powers-that-be get a look at all of your hard work. Who knows where you'll go next? Maybe they’ll put you in charge of condom surveillance.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You have a judicious eye when it comes to evaluating the people in your life. While you clearly know how to size someone up, make sure they don't feel manipulated before you do any maneuvering. Make sure they’re not aroused when maneuvering around them as well. That could spell disaster.

Stooks Proverb: There’s a black sheep in every flock. Kramer usually calls it names.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Defending yourself is a waste of time and energy, especially when you're not the source of the problem. Focus on the task at hand. It’s been your turn in Jenga for like five minutes now.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Focus on bonding with your family. It's time to heal issues from the past before you charge ahead with your current endeavors. Start with the time you walked in on your dad wearing a training bra while giving himself a pep talk about how “the girls” will move up to the big leagues one day.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Work and personal concerns are really on your mind, and you're feeling the pressure. Oh, maybe it’s the Louie Anderson sitting on your chest.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Delay important emotional decisions until you've got a clearer, calmer head. It’ll take about five more hours for the Robitussin to wear off.

Stooks Proverb: The early bird gets the worm. Big Bird gets hives from worms, so he’s cool with sleeping in with his arm draped over Snuffy’s hairy chest.

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Whitney Houston is still running around with Brandy's brother Ray-J. She's 17 years older than him and has spent most of her life with Bobby Brown. I wouldn't take her up on that offer. Although, his porn tape is set to go on sale March 21, so he's not keeping it too awful classy.


CBS fired Katie Couric's producer for her piss poor ratings. They should fire her plastic surgeon next.


Paris Hilton has portraits of herself all over her house. It may be a little self-indulgent, but at least she didn't put pictures of Nicole Richie up.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Being a party animal takes a backseat to a more contemplative mood. With the stars in their most insightful mood, you can see what was clouded by a fog before: Louie Anderson’s backside.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You don't need to send out a detailed report about your latest goings-on, even if people are asking questions. They can wait for the family Christmas card like everyone else.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Love can be a puzzle. Check in with your heart to get the rest of the pieces. Or just jam a piece in that obviously doesn’t fit. Then, call it “done.”

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Love walks right in and changes your point of view. It’s much harder to watch TV while doing the dishes, isn’t it?

Stooks Proverb: To err is human. That’s why Spock was such a cocky jerk.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

There's a lot to look forward to, especially with the stars' benevolent rays beaming on your social calendar. Friday: try out that new melon baller!

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Your friends just love talking to you, and it's no wonder. You’ve been popping Altoids.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your romantic interest is giving you mixed signals: 'Come closer, no wait -- now go away.' Oh, you’re playing the hokey pokey? Nevermind.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You want things to go one way, but a loved one has different ideas about what should happen next. Decisions, decisions. It happens every time you try to make a Screech Smut Tribute Video.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t run with the hare and hunt with the hounds. Flip-flopping hasn’t been cool since John Kerry came in and dorked it all up.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A certain person you're counting on may turn out to be flaky. Don't worry, though -- it's just temporary. Tell them about Selsun Blue.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Wait until some of the extraneous noise dies down before you make a decision. What you hear could change your perspective on the situation and open up a world of options, especially if what you hear is Louie Anderson in the bathroom at Olive Garden.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

It's time to do some downsizing when it comes to your personal and professional life. Take control and strip away the nonessentials, starting with your Luke Perry bathmat.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

There's such a thing as having too much attention to detail, especially when it comes to making decisions. Take a breath and make a choice: paper or plastic.

Stooks Proverb: The eyes are the window to the soul. Eye boogers are the dead insects smashed to the window.

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"I don't like mopeds anymore, daddy."

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

The stars commend you for staying grounded and patient. Is it any wonder that your outward circumstances now match your inner attitude? Unfortunately, the carpet still doesn’t match the curtains.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Is the charm of this person or situation going to wear off in a few days? Yes, but their B.O. won’t. Smells like Goodcents.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Let your intuition guide you when it comes to expressing yourself -- right now you're so attuned with the greater forces that it's almost uncanny. Show off that inner glow by going out for a night on the town. Don’t puke on your best friend’s cell phone this time. Speakerphone still doesn’t work right.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your warrior spirit is called to action, but in an unusual way. Only you could be so brave in the face of full body lice infestation.

Stooks Proverb: It takes two to tango, which isn’t as easy to remember as the number of people for a threesome.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

The first step to dealing with your current mood is to acknowledge that it's there instead of ignoring it. Shake off that funk. Or, at least do us all a favor, and Febreeze it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

You just love playing devil's advocate, and you're great at it. You know how to make people say 'I never thought of it that way!' Make sure everyone knows you're kidding so no feelings get hurt. You just can’t be too careful with Pope jokes these days.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Though you may not realize it now, you're on the verge of changing your life. You might find more in common with another culture than you think. However, the homeless sleeping under blankets of Little Caesars boxes doesn’t justify you doing the same on your leather couch.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This seems to be another situation your outsized expectations have created. If you're feeling more fizzle than sizzle, it' time to reevaluate the prospects you have. Luckily there are only two, and they both pick up their Welfare checks at the same time.

Stooks Proverb: Great minds think alike. Bad minds think like the guy who played the non-Paul-Reiser dad on My Two Dads.

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