I've always thought way too many voters make their choices on team mentality.

When George W. Bush ran against John Kerry, many people cited the "beer test" for where their vote would go. Who would be more fun to have a beer with? That's who you would vote for.

Almost as bad, is this weird "Hillary's a woman, she knows what it's like to be me!" thing for a lot of women, as Hillary has 2/3 of all democratic females polling her way. Yes, it would be great to have a woman president, but shouldn't women weigh this fact a little differently? Shouldn't you at least take into consideration how she would be as president? Because if she does a crappy job, men everywhere will unite to point out what's between her legs.

Labels: hillary clinton, politics

If you haven't put a Halloween costume together, Robert Goulet just handed you the perfect costume on a platter.

You see, when Goulet was in a hospital waiting for a lung transplant, he didn't really give you much to work with. What're you going to do? Dress up like Goulet in a hospital gown? Boring.

But now that Goulet has passed, you can pull of a Zombie Goulet costume with relative ease. Slick back the hair, throw on a mustache, some white makeup to make you pale, add some blood, and voilà!

Thanks, Goulet!

Labels: celebrities, halloween

1. Are you too old to trick or treat? You usually reach an age where you become "too cool" for Halloween. This typically occurs around the age of 13. A couple of years pass. You turn 16 and realize the value of free candy. It's at this point that you must decide whether free candy is worth the awkward stares and possible "Aren't you too old for Halloween?" exchanges. Doing this with no costume is a further sign of your desperation and dependence on free candy.



2. Are you a shitty house to visit? You can tell a lot about someone based on the candy they give on Halloween. If the wrapper tears and sticks to your candy, and you aren't poor, you are a terrible person. If you give out full-sized candy bars, you're snooty. You should land somewhere in between.



3. What about tricks? I don't know anyone who's given out a trick instead of a treat. Yet, "trick" comes first in the question "Trick or treat?" Are the kids sincere when asking "Trick or treat?" Would they really settle for a trick? I encourage you to learn some tricks to perform on Halloween. See if the kids will be content with a simple trick and no candy. Tip: I wouldn't suggest doing penis tricks. It's usually cold on Halloween. Incarceration is another consideration.

Labels: halloween

The New York Times is trying to give credit to "Grey's Anatomy" for inventing the word "vajayjay."

It began on Feb. 12, 2006, when viewers of the ABC series “Grey’s Anatomy” heard the character Miranda Bailey, a pregnant doctor who had gone into labor, admonish a male intern, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.”

I can't wait for "Grey's Anatomy" to "invent" other fun substitutes for "vagina." I just "invented" some other fun words for them to use: "coochie," "cooter," "hoohoo," "hooha," "tampon socket," etc. Come on, Grey's!

Note: My quotation mark key is tired.

Labels: fun with words, tv

From craigslist:

Write porn reviews, get free dvds and get rewarded

Seeking adult dvd reviewers in exchange for free DVDs and/or free access to online videos.

Uh, so what are the requirements for this position? I'm sure not just any man can come off the street and do such a job.

I can't say I've ever read a porn review before. I know. Such a loser. Do you talk about lighting? Or rigidity/flaccidity of different "actors?" Do you point out ass-zits that should've received proper makeup? I'm lost. I won't be applying for this job.

Labels: craigs list, porn

This article points out Kucinich's total domination in the results:

But here's the interesting point. This website also gives some statistical history of how people have voted. As of this writing, 153,350 people have completed the quiz. Of those people, more than half (57% in fact) have discovered that Dennis Kucinich is the candidate they should be supporting.

Of course, you have to take into account who might be taking this poll in the first place. For example, Kucinich is an Internet sensation. People love blogging about him and looking at him. Spending all this time online will likely lead to them discovering the "Pick Your Candidate" site.

Labels: dumbasses, internet, politics

Okay, I ended up costumeless for last night's Halloween party. It was a little awkward at first, but a dozen Miller High Life Lite's seemed to improve the situation.

I relied heavily on the beard. If people asked, I told them I was Al from Home Improvement. They then chastised me for not wearing a flannel. I went on to explain that we haven't seen Al in ten years, so maybe he's updated his style.

My other costume excuse was that I was going as one of those douche bags who doesn't dress up for Halloween.

Learning the error of my ways, I've decided to leave a little note to refer to for next year's Halloween costume. I'm going to go as a girl who dresses up all slutty for Halloween. Every year, the ladies seem to top the sluttiness of the year before. It's amazing work. They are the real heroes of Halloween.

During a show this time last year, we talked about how easy girls are on Halloween.

Labels: girls, halloween

Lipitor has a commercial based on an endorsement from Richard Jarvik, inventor of the artificial heart.

But wouldn't you say the inventor of the artificial heart would want people's hearts to fail so he can put a baboon heart in them? And, I've yet to meet a single person with an artificial heart. It's hardly saving billions of lives. Come on, Lipitor. How dumb do you think we are?

Besides, this Jarvik character is more than a tad on the creepy side.

Labels: advertising, health

She didn't serve us, but we had the pleasure of checking out quite the waitress at Chelley's Mexican Restaurant last night.

Then, someone pointed out that they thought she was likely too young. Then, there were the braces. So yeah, she was probably a bit too young. But Jon insisted that if a woman looks to be fertile, she should be fair game. I told him I didn't think it worked that way.

Labels: girls, mexican, restaurants

I'm screwed.

I need a costume for tonight, and I have no clue what to do. Children's costumes usually fit me to comedic effect, but I'm thinking that's a little played out.

I have a beard now, so I've been trying to think of ways to brainstorm off that, but all I'm coming up with is Al from Home Improvement. He's still top of mind, right?

Labels: halloween

Boyz II Men shocked the world when they sang "God Bless America" during the seventh-inning stretch. How did Boston land that act? Seriously, though, what's with all the gratuitous America loving? The Star Spangled Banner is more than enough. Here's a compromise: hand out American flag lapel pins to the first 15,000 fans, and don't take away our Jumbotron limbo time.

"He can find the monster with the right stroke." - Tim McCarver with Todd Helton at the plate in the 9th. This is a filthy thing to say, McCarver, and your dumb ass knows it.

I'm convinced that Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is at least slightly retarded. Watch him clap at the baby in this commercial.





UPDATE: I forgot to mention the really long interview with the dude from Taco Bell talking about how everyone gets a free taco between 2 and 5 pm next Tuesday, the 30th. Thanks goes to Boston center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury for stealing the base, and thus helping America steal a Taco. USA! USA! USA!

Labels: sports, this is america, tv

Have you seen the new iPhone ads with the douches talking about why they needed an iPhone? One particular ad annoys the hell out of me. The guy talks about how he had to carry a bag around to hold all of his electronic devices. Yes, I've done the same, but this guy's reasoning is really messed up (bold mine).

"I had the iPod, I had a camera, and I had a regular phone, and a phone for text messaging and emails and stuff like that."

So, explain again why you carried around two phones? At first, I hoped he was saying that he had a landline phone. But in the context of "needing a bag to carry it around," he has a regular cell phone and a separate phone dedicated for "text messaging and emails and stuff like that." Why would you have two phones if one of them can do text messaging and email? Are you talking on the phone and sending text messages at the same time? What kind of messed up savant are you, anyway?

Labels: advertising, dumbasses, tech

(2:06 podcast) A phone response from my post on the DMV.

If you ever see a topic you'd like to call on, just look to see if "I'm Online" is lit up on the right side of the home page, and we'll talk it out. If I'm not online, feel free to leave a voicemail. Either way, the number is 785.727.2291.

Labels: DMV, podcasts

Keanu Reeves has me concerned about global warming. But Bonnie Raitt is telling me nuclear power, a key way to fight gloabal warming, is no good. My head's going to explode from the inner conflict!

Keanu?

Raitt?

Who will win the battle for my mind?

BTW, I hate to say it, but I really think the guy who plays Peter in "Heroes" gets his acting cues from Keanu. I was looking for a YouTube video to reinforce my position, but it seems that you can't upload a Heroes video to YouTube without adding some Nickelback for the soundtrack.

Labels: celebrities, politics

From Newsweek

Ms. Hilton Gets Serious. Please Stop Laughing.

Rich girl. Party animal. Jailbird. America's No. 1 heir-head wants to get out of the bimbo business.

And here's Paris' "You can't see it, but my legs aren't wide open in this pose" pose.

Labels: celebrities

I went to Old Chicago for a couple of drinks tonight. I got busted in a "Do I know her?" stare.

We were sitting at the bar, and a red head moved into my peripheral vision. I glanced over, and thought I might know her. So I kept staring, even narrowing my eyes to tighten my focus. I inched closer and closer to declaring her an acquaintance. Just then, she looked over and caught me in my squinty stare. That's when I realized I had no clue who she was, and she likely guessed I was just some creep who tries to squint his way into girls' pants. Not a bad guess.

Labels: bars, girls

Check out the losers on People's Sexiest Fan Alive. Of course, the Red Sox fan is in first place.

Here's my write-in choice:

Labels: baseball, jean claude van damme, sports, wilford brimley

I got a couple of weird phone calls this morning.

First, a woman called looking for Famous Dave's. Ten minutes later, a man called, also looking for Famous Dave's.

I told both they had the wrong number. Then, I get a call from the dude's number again. I was sitting at the DMV by this point, so I just thought "WTF," and let it go to voicemail. He called again a couple of minutes later. I ignored again, as I don't want to explain that I am not Famous Dave while I'm waiting for the digitized voice at the DMV to call my number.

As I'm leaving the parking lot, the guy called for the fourth time. This time I answered with an annoyed "hello?"

"Hi, Matt?" (I'd answered the phone on his first call with "This is Matt," since I didn't recognize the number)

"Yes?"

"Is Rachel around?"

"Rachel? I think you have the wrong number. Aren't you the same guy who called me looking for Famous Dave's?"

"Yes. Do you know Rachel?"

"I don't know any Rachel. Who's Rachel?"

"She's my daughter."

"Well, I don't know her, (silence), what can I do for you?"

"She told me this was the number for Famous Dave's."

"Some girl called me earlier looking for Famous Dave's, maybe that was Rachel?"

"This number was in her phone, so you must know her," the douche says, with a tone in his voice indicating that he busted me on something.

"Nope. I don't know anyone named Rachel. Wish I could help."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks."

Well, it turns out that there's a Famous Dave's with just one digit different from my phone number. So, when this guy's sitting in a jail cell, he'll wish he'd used Google instead of trying to beat the truth out of his daughter while yelling "who the fuck is Matt?"

Labels: cell phones, dumbasses

I went to the DMV to get my tags renewed today.

My Corolla was registered in Riley County, and I needed to change it to Johnson, so there wasn't much I could do to avoid a physical visit to the DMV.

People who go to the DMV have problems. Don't believe me? Then why is there a Value Store and a Beauty & Dollar Plus on either side? Throw in a liquor store two doors down, and you could spend an entire day/passed out night in the same parking lot.

I was out in 45 minutes, a world record.

Labels: alcohol, DMV, dollar store, drugs, hair products

All this Goulet talk has me thinking about Lou Ferrigno.

Labels: random nonsense, sports

As of this writing, Robert Goulet lies heavily sedated in a Los Angeles hospital bed, awaiting a lung transplant to avoid a tragic demise at the age of 73.

Yet America, thrilled with California wildfires and Marie Osmond fainting, looks the other way.

By the way, I just can't get over how ridiculous this whole Marie Osmond fainting thing is! She gets done dancing, jumps up and down a little bit, then hyperventilates for a minute, and then, THUD! She smashes into the floor! The audience laughs. Then, to cap off the hilarity, Bergeron throws to commercial while that stupid judge looks like he's reacting to a fart!





Stay strong, Goulet. Like you, we would prefer Donny Osmond faint in front of a national TV audience, but we'll take whatever fainting Osmond we can get.

Labels: celebrities, stooks scoop

I'm shocked at the free publicity for Taco Bell's "Steal a Base, Steal a Taco" promotion (bold mine).

There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series matchup since 1990. When the first base is stolen, the unit of Yum Brands Inc, will announce a Tuesday afternoon when consumers will be able to walk into the chain's participating 5,800 outlets and ask for a free taco. Anyone who walks into a participating outlet during the give-away period would be eligible for a free taco.

This is not a good deal. I'm just not shit-faced enough on a Tuesday afternoon to appreciate Taco Bell. Even when I'm drunk, Taco Bell is a last resort.

"Nothing else close by when you're wasted? Go to Taco Bell."

Hey, Taco Bell! Why haven't you hired me, yet? I totally owned the drive-thru when I worked at McDonald's in high school.

Labels: advertising, alcohol, drugs, fast food, restaurants

Goddammit, pork chop, you burnt my tongue!

Why you gotta smell so good to trick me into eating you before a proper blowing?

Labels: random nonsense

Labels: letters to the editor, random nonsense

FDA warns Viagra tied to hearing loss

Viagra and other impotence drugs are about to bear new warnings that users may experience sudden hearing loss.

It’s not clear that the drugs truly trigger hearing loss, but the Food and Drug Administration decided Thursday to add a warning about the possible risk after counting 29 reports of the problem since 1996 among users of this family of medicines.

My take: a four-hour erection has the potential to cause a serious amount of hearing loss.

Labels: drugs

From the Chicago Tribune:

About 7 percent of dog owners plan to purchase a Halloween costume for their pet this year, up from 4 percent in 2004.

This number seems low. Animals don't belong in costumes. I used to think dressing up babies in costumes was just as dumb, but at least they'll grow up to have an appreciation for Halloween. Dogs won't. They'll keep trying to paw off some stupid-ass hat, only to have their owner reattach the hat and tighten the string.

Unfortunately, it gets worse.

From the Kansas City Star:

Never seen a dog in a thong? Then you’ve never seen Carol Wells’ dogs dressed up for Halloween. This year her therapy-trained Dalmatians, Carmen and Jonah, are going to be Victoria’s Secret and Joe Boxer, respectively...

When she takes the dogs on their Halloween rounds of hospitals this year, Carmen will wear a thrift-store Victoria’s Secret bra, size 32A, and black lace panties with a hole cut out for her tail. Jonah will be a Chippendale dancer in a pinstripe vest, white collar, black bow tie and black Joe Boxer underwear with fake money tucked into the waistband...

"I do it because it gets a rise out of the people that we visit,” Wells said. “And it’s helpful especially with the seniors to get them to realize what time of year it is.”

Labels: halloween, old people, pets

If you've ever gone to the gas station just to buy beef jerky, there's something wrong with you.

Labels: food, gas stations

We went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza to watch the MU and KU games yesterday.

They have touchscreen computers in the booths. You can watch TV, play games or go online. It's a pretty cool idea. Our particular computer was dicked, though. It wouldn't let us select any of the options.

They rebooted the machine several times, but it didn't help. The waitress joked that we should just hit the screen to try to fix it.

At that moment, I realized Fonzie couldn't fix shit in the digital age.

Labels: bars, restaurants, RIP, tech

I hate online polls (see here and here).

News broke this morning about the Royals hiring a new manager. So, they had to throw up an online poll. Sadly, Americans are suckers for polls. In an hour and a half, 700 people jumped at the opportunity to cast their meaningless vote.


I can no longer blame media outlets for putting up online polls. Polls drive traffic to websites. We need to focus our efforts on the people who click on these things, justifying their existence.

Labels: kansas city royals, polls, sports, this is america

It's been too long since I last blogged about karaoke. We went to The Red Balloon last night. If you're unfamiliar, it's one of Kansas City's only bars with karaoke seven days a week.

Surprisingly, the DJ was the only thing that bugged me about the place. He was in the early stages of growing a wizard's beard, or maybe he was settling on a wizard's goatee. Every couple of songs he would walk around the seating area, either to smoke or do some coke off the toilet. While walking, he would lip sync to every song on the karaoke. That's annoying.

Labels: annoyances, bars, kansas city

Questionable jobs abound on craigslist, but you really have to appreciate scammers like this:

TELL YOU WHAT WE DON'T DO

No lotions, potions, vitamins, or discount Viagra...

No leads to buy...

No inventory to get stuck with...

No friends and family to hit on...

Just the best company, products in the industry...

Come see how our reps. earn $5,000/Week + ...

Okay, this description doesn't exactly scream "legit." It's more like a "solve this riddle to figure out exactly how you'll get screwed and end up interviewed by John Stossel."

Labels: craigs list, scams, stossel

Well, a bunch of scientists decided to go read some Neanderthal DNA, and totally ruin all our fun.

Neanderthals, an archaic human species that dominated Europe until the arrival of modern humans some 45,000 years ago, possessed a critical gene known to underlie speech, according to DNA evidence retrieved from two individuals excavated from El Sidron, a cave in northern Spain.

So, Neanderthals can speak, a major blow to "Neanderthal" as a slam. Luckily, calling someone a "Neanderthal" went out of style with Saved by the Bell. Otherwise we'd all have a big ole' mouth filled to the brim with humble pie.

Meanwhlie, look for "Cro-Magnon" to fill the Neanderthal void. "Hey Cro-Mag! Nice teeth!"

Labels: RIP

Chris Casey called the Skype line yesterday and we caught a little magic for a podcast.

In eight-and-a-half minutes, we covered topics including: old people, having a heart attack vs crapping yourself, Matt Lauer, the government, and Britney's vagina reappearing.

After you're done listening to that, enjoy 20 seconds of brilliance in Chris' "Manu Ginobili: Euro-Flop!" I don't think I've put it on the blog before. Your enjoyment is guaranteed.

Labels: podcasts

I went to Tomfooleries for happy hour last night.

The food was great, the drink specials were on target, but the bathroom situation was a little disconcerting. We sat in the fairly new upstairs area, which probably seats about 100 people, maybe more. One unisex toilet was in place to serve this area.

Here's why you shouldn't have a unisex bathroom:

1. You don't know if someone's in there. You have to check the door handle, frightening the person inside, and possibly yourself if the door ends up unlocked, and Mangino's twin is dropping a serious chicken fried steak bomb with the "hover technique."

2. Women. They take forever in there.

3. "The Piss Notch." That little notch in the front of the toilet seat encourages men to to urinate without lifting that filthy seat. This results in an even filthier seat. I don't think the Piss Notch was meant to be a Piss Notch at all. Rather, it's a "Don't Touch Other People's Genatalia Through Seat Interaction" Notch. Not quite as catchy.

Labels: bars, restaurants, restrooms, toilet

I just got done watching Matt Lauer interview Larry Craig. I don't think Larry really won too many points with the interview, but he didn't really hurt his case either.

Matt tried to put his "I'm a legitimate newsman" face on, but it just didn't take. You could tell he was trying to catch Larry Craig off guard with some of his questions. Matt's best line was when he told Larry that Larry's dad probably didn't take gay bathroom sex into consideration when he told his son to work hard when he grew up. I also thought Matt might get him when he said "what if you're bisexual instead of gay?" Larry was too quick on his feet for that one.

Overall, I thought Matt wasn't exactly Mike Wallace, or even Andy Rooney for that matter. Call me for some tips next time, Matt. In fact, here's a freebie question you could've asked: "Senator, is it possible that at some point in your life you accidentally did a bunch of drugs, had gay sex, and forgot about it?" I bet that one would've got him.

Labels: media, police, this is america

Big news: Hardee's is still in business. Every couple of years, Hardee's introduces a filthy food item to generate some press coverage and remind the world (or the part of the world that isn't Carl's Jr.) that they still exist.

Hardee's on Monday rolled out its new Country Breakfast Burrito -- two egg omelets filled with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and sausage gravy, all wrapped inside a flour tortilla. The burrito contains 920 calories and 60 grams of fat.

The fat police are all over this one. If they catch you eating one, they'll show you pictures of Star Jones before and after gastric bypass. You get it? Because you'd get all fat like Star Jones, then get gastric bypass, and then look like the somehow-more-horrifying skinny version. Ha!

Labels: fatties, food

There are a number of ways people come to mattstooks.com. Most visitors have the site bookmarked, some come over from my MySpace, Facebook or YouTube pages.

A few people come to the website through web search. Check out the breakdown of search strings that have brought people to the site this month.

Labels: internet, random nonsense

Do you ever pick your nose successfully, only to retrieve a bare finger from your nostril?

Many times, the boog falls harmlessly to the ground. Other times, it sets up camp on your shirt. You just hope to death it isn't hiding on your face somewhere.

Pretty scary stuff, and it always happens when you sneak a public pick, with no mirror to help you locate the disappearing boog. And the only person you can ask to look for boogs on you is tied up talking to a person who would surely be sickened by a parked boog.

Labels: boogers

Thanks to media portrayals of Kansas, I now hate The Wizard of Oz.

I was watching the K-State-Colorado game this weekend, and the broadcast relied heavily on The Wizard of Oz for its "about town" footage. I would've preferred footage of Manhattan's Applebees, that's how much I'm sick of the Wiz.

Apparently, we haven't done enough as a state in the nearly 70 years since Oz debuted. Everyone unfamiliar with Kansas thinks we all encounter tornadoes as much as people in Florida deal with hurricanes.

This is bullshit.

Labels: media, state of kansas

I've seen this "Dancer Test" a couple different places over the last week, and thought I'd share it with you in case you missed it.

You're supposed to look at the dancer spinning. Some people see her turning clockwise, and others see her turning counterclockwise. How you interpret her supposedly tells whether you're right-brained or left-brained.

I see her turning clockwise, naked and a little chilly/aroused.

Labels: brain games, random nonsense

Today is Blog Action Day, where bloggers unite to spread the word on the environment. This is my contribution.

If you believe extraterrestrial beings visit the Earth with any regularity, you bear more of the responsibility for keeping the planet clean. The Earth is your home. If you have people coming over to your house, you should try to clean things up. Therefore, if we have visitors from outer space, you really should clean up this mess.

The end.

Labels: environment, random nonsense

The only thing worse than hearing Mitch Holthus call Larry Johnson "The Centaur" is KC Star sports hack Jeffrey Flanagan quoting Mitch calling Larry "The Centaur."

Every Monday, Flanaboner will print sound bytes from the Chiefs' TV and radio broadcasts. Today's was especially annoying.

“And he got his centaur tail up the field.”

| Holthus, after Larry Johnson got a first down.

JF: Was the centaur’s big day a breakout or more just a result of the Bengals’ awful defense? The centaur showed his selfishness with his delay-of-game penalty late in the contest and his carelessness by fumbling into the end zone earlier.

Enough! No normal person's gonna start calling LJ "The Centaur." Flanagan called him "Centaur" twice in this column. Mitch must've promised him a discount on a Kia at Briggs in exchange for propagating the use of "Centaur."

You can tell Mitch really has a hard on for the nickname in this article.

“It just came to me one day as I was thinking about his running style,” Holthus said.

“He runs sort of half-man, half-beast, and I started to think of Greek mythology and that was it — the centaur.”

It's just beautiful how Mitch poetically ties Chiefs fans' love of football and Greek mythology together.

Labels: jeffrey flanagan, Kansas City Chiefs, sports

If you have some lead-infused Chinese toys lying around the house, I'm thinking we should all get together and have another "Lick and paint with Bob Ross" party. I've got some G.I. Joes in my parents' basement that will get me and at least five other people completely Schiavo-faced. First come, first served. Call dibs soon, or you're on your own. My schedule's pretty open this week. Let me know.

BTW, I made the queso last time around. Someone else needs to step up.

Labels: random nonsense

Wow, Dane Cook backlash is in full force.

I appreciated Dane Cook's humor for a couple of hours once. Then, it looked like he ripped off material, did a movie with Jessica Simpson, and cut some horrifyingly bad promos for the Major League Baseball Playoffs.

Farewell, Dane. We hardly knew ye.

Labels: Dane Cook, RIP

Get ready to hear plenty about this "Democrats need vaccinations before going to NASCAR events" story.

In an e-mail, a staffer who works for committee chairman Rep. Bennie Thompson, D-Miss., noted an "unusual need for whomever attending to be vaccinated against hepatitis A and B," as well as "the more normal things — tetanus, diphtheria, and of course, seasonal influenza."

This is already getting loads of play from Republicans trying to convince the two non-Republican NASCAR fans to convert.

I love the fact that NASCAR fans are all "they think we've got diseases" instead of "yeah, there usually are about 100 thousand people at NASCAR events, I guess it's reasonable that some political hack might get concerned about the possibility of a stuffy nose."

Note: NASCAR-inspired mullets are traveling petri dishes.

Labels: NASCAR, politics, this is america

I went to Chipotle for lunch. I left annoyed.

It wasn't busy, so we walked right up to the burrito-press lady. This particular Chipotle employs more natives than most. Today, all the workers at the counter were speaking Spanish. The four customers in front of us were speaking Spanish, too, and were really chatting it up with the Chipotle staff. I figure these mystery Mexicans must also work at the 'potle. Maybe it was their day off, and they came in for a little employee-discount action. Whatever the case, it was practically Mexico in there with all the Spanish flying around.

They eventually took a break from what was surely a discussion on Telemundo hit "12 Córazones" to prep our order.

The cash register woman tallied up my burrito, chips and salsa. Then, she muttered something at me. My best guess was that she wondered if I needed anything else. I said "that's all." Nope, she was asking whether I wanted it to go. I said "Oh. Sorry. To go," and I let out a little chuckle as if to say "silly me." She responded with, "don't you speak English?" She was joking. I admit, it was half humorous, but it still took some restraint to not say "Yeah, I do speak English. But not with a thick-ass Mexican accent."

Labels: chipotle, mexican, restaurants, this is america

A third of U.S. women say the happiness in a presidential candidate's marriage influences their vote. That sounds stupid enough, but lets look a little deeper.

Fifty-two percent of women said they thought Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, had a happy marriage, while 43 percent viewed rival Democratic Sen. Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, as happy, the survey by the Ladies' Home Journal said.

Only 29 percent of women thought Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, were happy. Even fewer, 12 percent, thought New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson and his wife, Barbara, were happy.

Where are these voters getting the insight for determining the happiness in Bill Richardson's marriage? I couldn't spot his wife in a lineup, but random dumb asses polled for Ladies Homes Journal guess the Richardson's marriage to be the most unhappy of the bunch?

I can kind of understand people guessing at the happiness levels in the Edwards and Clinton marriages. They've been publicly observable couples for some time. But, even then, can't the Clinton's have happiness in the amount of power they've wielded thanks to each other?

Bullshit polls like these have no business influencing the public.

Labels: politics

Last weekend, I hit up El Mezcal in Lawrence for Mexican and margaritas with some former coworkers.

I ordered my Burrito Gigante with "no beans." John questioned my line of thinking, forcing me to reply "I hate beans." With a look of shock on his face, he quietly indicated that proclaiming your hate for beans in a Mexican restaurant could amount to retaliation from the all-Mexican staff.

If they spit in my food, it was tasty saliva.

Labels: mexican

All the talk about Myanmar has me thinking about an old Seinfeld episode.

Most articles about the current situation in Myanmar also refer to the country as Burma. Seinfeld tackled this more than ten years ago in "The Foundation," originally airing on September 19th, 1996. If we haven't figured out what to call it since then, maybe it should've stayed Burma.

Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you can't leave.

J. Peterman: I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.

Elaine: Burma?

J. Peterman: You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him)

[The phone is not hung up.]

Elaine: Mr. Peterman?

[New scene.
Jerry's apartment.]

Jerry: Where?

Elaine: Burma.

Jerry: Isn't it Myanmar now?

Labels: random nonsense

Check out this candy corn's striking resemblance to Gary Shandling.

Labels: decorations, gary shandling incarnate

I walked into the Target electronics department just in time to hear the helmet-haired woman behind the glass counter drop something brilliant to a coworker:

"He's one of those guys. He's a bad boy. But when you break him in, he's the sweetest guy ever."

I'm assuming this girl is talking about her boyfriend. He's so "bad," only the tough "breaking in" at the hands of a helmet-haired electronics department staffer can dent his rugged exterior.

Labels: overheard, target, tech

From USA Today's article on transplanting hair from dead people:

Some may think such a move — to don the hair of a cadaver — would be extreme, but nobody should underestimate the determination of balding people to reverse the scourge of a receding hairline. Spending on hair-restoration surgeries in 2006 topped $1.2 billion worldwide, a figure that does not include spending on proven drugs such as Propecia and Rogaine or any number of disreputable gadgets and balms sold online or on late-night television.

Nobody should underestimate the determination of desperate men to get laid, either. Does that mean a large portion is turning to necrophilia, USA Today?

Labels: baldness, usa today

I'm quite happy the Yankees lost. I just wish Cleveland would've swept them.

I don't think I'd hate the Yankees nearly as much if there weren't so many Yankees fans in Kansas City. I haven't met too many New Yorkers in the metro, yet the number of Yankees fans at Royals games never fails to astound.

I'm not saying you must be a fan of your hometown team. But being a fan of such a spoiled organization makes you a poser, bandwagoner and probably all-around scum.

Labels: sports

From Craig's List (bold mine):

Get paid way better money plus get FREE Lottery tickets just for doing a good job. Our job is very simple but actually pays really good!

Culligan Water is looking for 2 more people to help us do surveys. Its really simple and we are not selling anything. We simple take quick surveys for informational purposes. But....what's cool is that everytime someone takes a survey for you you get a free lottery ticket. Last week a guy won $50 dollars from one of his tickets and since it's lottery you don't have to pay taxes on it!

Compensation is listed at "$8 to $14 hourly." Isn't that a little high for someone who takes a job based on a "free lottery ticket" benefit package?

Labels: craigs list

From Men's Health on the topic of "grinding":

Dr. Jonathan Huber, M.D., of Queen's University College in Kingston, Ontario, found that about three in 10 women think it's okay.

Good luck finding those three. Men's Health's own spot survey of attractive, intelligent women found near-universal disgust with the move.

Whoa, hold on, Men's Health. Your own survey of "attractive, intelligent women?" No intelligent woman, let alone attractive and intelligent woman, is going to brag to you about their love for being on the ass end of a public grinding session.

"Good luck finding those three?" Come on, Men's Health. I can use a simple formula to find those three who say grinding's okay:

Probability = Number of flashing lights + Glossiness of girl's forehead

Labels: RIP

I love weight loss advertising.

Labels: advertising, fatties

I just got back from the bank.

It was the one time in years that I needed to talk face-to-face with a banking official. It was a dead end, as today is Christopher Columbus Day. Private banks close on Columbus Day for reasons the public can never know.

I'm thinking about joining the Columbus Day opposition movement. The main argument is that Columbus and his friends weren't very nice to Native Americans. I think I can buy into that hype, if it means denying a holiday to bankers and mailmen.

If a closed bank or post office is the only way you know when a holiday happens, it's not a holiday worth closing for.

Labels: government bs, random nonsense

Everything's going to be alright.

Three days after his admission to a Dallas hospital and one day after undergoing "lifesaving surgery" to treat a pulmonary embolism, Isaac Hanson was back home Friday and is expected back on the road as early as Monday.

Unfortunately, Hanson missed a show at the Beaumont Club in Kansas City, as a result. No worries, Hanson Heads; they already rescheduled for November 12th. I just hope all the Heads can get out of jail in time for the show. Surely they tore Westport to pieces upon news of the cancellation.

Labels: music

Today's Chiefs game isn't in high definition. Unacceptable.

Channel 9's local news broadcasts in high definition, and you're telling me CBS doesn't have enough high-def equipment to cover all their NFL games? They pay $622.5 million per year for NFL rights, and full-HD coverage puts them in the red? WTF?

This pisses off and confounds me to a point I can't express.

60 Minutes isn't in high def either, but this can be blamed on Andy Rooney.

Labels: sports, tech, wtf

Bonus: Mangino gets his boob tweaked.

Labels: sports

Garth Brooks will do nine shows in Kansas City.

Parents, you have one month to convince your kids that Garth Brooks is way cooler than Hannah Montana. Start with an explanation of who Garth Brooks is.

Unfortunately, I'm indifferent to Garth. My Hannah Montana money stays in the piggy bank for now.

Labels: kansas city, music

Big game in Manhattan tomorrow. If K-State wins, there'd better not be any fans storming the field. I'm just saying. Act like you've been there. You're favored to win.

KU fans can't be expected to know what to do in these types of situations, thanks to an almost complete indifference to football outside of games against MU and K-State.

I trust you, K-State fans. It's an early game. You can't blame drunkenness for your behavior. I know you'd like to repay KU for over storming, but you should know better. Don't be a bunch of douches. That's all. Wait...don't forget to bring your Power Towel.

Labels: sports

Cider Fest is this weekend in Louisburg. I have other plans, but if you're looking to blow out your colon, Cider Fest is the way to go.

The festivities start with a pancake breakfast from 9 to 11 a.m. followed by a barbecue from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. Live music and entertainment begin at noon and run until the end of each day.

Pancake's, barbecue and cider could be one of the best recipes for diarrhea I've ever heard. Huzzah!

Labels: restrooms, toilet

Remember SARS? Remember waking up in a cold sweat at 3 am after nightmaring that you got infected with SARS after a visit to Chinatown?

SARS was far weaker than the Bird Flu. Sars mortality rate was at about 10 percent. About eight thousand people got it, about eight hundred died. Bird Flu got 199 people out of 327, at a 61 percent mortality rate. SARS was more contagious, as people tend to associate with other people far more than they associate with birds.

Aren't we due for another "general freakout" story. Shouldn't a new illness come out of the woodwork? Or is the mystery disease storyline dead? Come on, Asia, we're counting on you.

Labels: media, RIP

You taste like cardboard. Your texture feels of sand. You're a worthless, filthy vegetable, and I hope some kind of disease wipes you off the face of the planet.

Sincerely,

Matt

Labels: produce, random nonsense

From the KC Star's story on Kauffman Stadium renovations (bold mine):

Also scheduled for completion: New bullpens, expanded dugout-box seating, expanded crown seating behind the plate, the removal of one circular ramp on each side and the construction of expanded vomitories to field-level concourse.

I like to think I'm "down with words," but I wasn't positive on this one. I first assumed a vomitory must be a place to regurge after a hot dog and peanut binge on Buck Night. Wrong.

• an entrance to an amphitheater or stadium

wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

• a Swedish brutal death metal band formed in 1989. The band has released six albums as of 2007. They are currently signed to Metal Blade Records.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vomitory (band)

• A popular misconception is that the Romans made use of a room called a vomitorium for the express purpose of vomiting between meals to make room for more food. Only a very small minority of the highest classes indulged in the practice of deliberately vomiting. A vomitorium is actually an entirely unrelated architectural feature – a passage situated below or behind a tier of seats in an amphitheatre, an exit through which the crowds could "spew out" at the end of a show.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_eating_and_drinking#Vomitorium

Labels: fun with words, royals, sports

I've stumbled upon an interesting conundrum.

When someone curses on a reality show, we get a beep. However, when someone curses on a movie edited for TV, we get "Yippie kayay, Mr. Falcon" (Die Hard 2).

Why did the beep ever go out of style for movies? Is the overdubbing union involved? The same overdubbing union that obviously killed Bruce Lee when he started speaking English for real?

Labels: tv

(5:47 podcast) Stooks contributer Shua called the Skype line (785.727.2291) and taught me all kinds of fun things, mostly about TV.

Labels: podcasts, tv

I do most of my email through GMail, but I still have an old Yahoo! address that gets some action. GMail retrieves the email from my Yahoo! inbox, but not the bulk folder. So, I go to Yahoo! and check it every week or so to make sure nothing important got snagged. I have to go through about 500 emails each time.

Lately, I've been getting spammed to death with the "Just saw you on Yahoo messenger" technique. It includes this message:

Hi

I have nothing to do at night a lot and would like to talk with someone. Are you interested?

Stacy19

Is this working? I can't imagine a high probability of someone who just got off Yahoo! Messenger seeing this message and saying "shit, I could be getting E-laid by Stacy 19 right now!" Click.

Every time I observe a new spam technique, I always get the same picture in my head: a toothless hick gullible enough to click through. Why can't the Internet Gods take access away from the people who pay spammer's bills?

I'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning, with an even smaller penis, to fall for this crap.

Labels: dumbasses, internet

I always find it funny when a bunch of people get pissed and go after a business, intending harm.

The latest involves three businesses in Johnson County. A grand jury indicted them for promoting obscenity. Hollywood at Home for four DVDs, Spirit Halloween for obscene costumes, and Priscilla's for five sex toys and a videos.

Free advertising!

I wouldn't have heard of, or even noticed, the Lion's Den in Abilene if it weren't for all the stories of obscene products, watchdogs writing down customers' license plate numbers, or the giant "Every time you wank to porn, the baby Jesus cries" (paraphrased) billboard.

Labels: advertising, porn, random nonsense

Politicians are a bunch of whiny, tattletales.

They waste their/our time voting to condemn ads and write letters complaining about Rush Limbaugh.

Don't you have some laws to write? Wars to fix? Halloween costumes to make resemble White House reporter Helen Thomas? Go do something.

Labels: politics

Labels: random nonsense, sports

Labels: advertising, random nonsense