Johnny Rowlands, Kansas City's eye in the sky, drives an Escalade with the license plate "CHOPPR9" (for NewsChopper 9). He pulled into a Sonic near my house this morning.


I'm no Rowlands hater, but this pushes me in that direction. Piloting the coolest traffic copter in Kansas City isn't enough. He has to have a giant arrow, in the form of a personalized-plated Escalade, pointing him out on the street? What an egomaniac.

You sicken me Rowlands. And Sonic? Blech. Toppings have no place on the bottom bun.

By the way, I don't know what kind of dirt you have on Micheal Mahoney, but apparently it's enough to keep him from out-stache-ing you at work.

Labels: egomaniacs, media

I've been on Facebook for awhile now (here's my profile (membership required) (first triple quadruple parentheses on mattstooks.com ever) (not sure I did that right)). I love it so much more for what it could be than what it actually is.

MySpace and Facebook didn't get popular until I was well out of college. As a result, a lot of my close friends aren't on either. More of my friends are on MySpace than Facebook, mostly due to MySpace letting the general public in before Facebook. I try to tell my friends how cool Facebook's news feed is, but they won't convert.

It's so slick to get little one-sentence updates on what your friends are up to today. Then, Facebook decided to go and put "applications" in the news feed. So "Zombie Attacks" and "Movie Quizzes" dominate my news feed instead of worthy and depressing items like "Such and such isn't having a baby anymore."

Labels: internet

Check out the top items in Google Trends for 10 pm Thursday. They're all for lyrics. It's quite the variety, too. I didn't realize "Green Acres" was such a great sing-a-long song.

1. green acres lyrics
2. soul man lyrics
3. should i stay or should i go lyrics
4. taking care of business lyrics
5. if i could turn back time lyrics

Labels: internet, music, trends

I'm making my way through the Republican YouTube Debate.

This is depressing, and not just because Anderson Cooper has to say "time" 15 times per response before a candidate finally shuts up. How about cutting a candidate's mic 10 seconds after you say "time." Why hasn't CNN hired me yet?

I haven't been around all that long, but every debate I've ever seen is the same. Taxes and foreign policy make sense as themes with no end in sight, but how many years are we going to have to put up with hearing about gun laws, health care, Social Security and immigration? What would you think if we're still dealing with these same go-nowhere issues in 30 years?

I hate this YouTube format. CNN airs whatever questions it would've asked in the first place, but we have to watch some douche with his clever props asking the question. I don't need the visual of a guy eating corn to understand his question about the Farm Bill. I don't need a guy shooting his gun to understand his gun law question.



Here's a question: How many guns do you own? How is this relevant to policy decisions? Yes, if you own a gun, it's fairly obvious that you're against more gun control. But, if you don't own a gun, does that mean you're for more gun control? Do they ask pro-choice candidates how many abortions they or their significant other have had? "I just want to make sure they're committed," says Pro-Choice Sally.

I can't believe we're subjected to a year of this crap every four years.

By the way, just who does Chuck Norris think he is?

Labels: dumbasses, politics

It's been too long since we've talked about a crappy poll. Here's a new one.

Kids aged 2-12 think Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are more deserving of coal in their stockings than the Grinch and Darth Vader.

So, little kids think Britney and Paris are naughtier than two of the most evil fictional bad guys of all time? That's harsh. But, while Darth Vader slaughtered younglings, Paris covered their sabers in sores. That's a pretty even trade.

Besides, didn't you always wonder why Darth Vader's face was all eaten up? Mustache rides gone terribly wrong.

Labels: kids, movies, polls

You'll be able to finish your 50-state quarter collection by the end of 2008. The Mint is pleased with the results (bold mine).

The states have been honored in the order they were admitted to the union, starting with Delaware. It was honored with a quarter in 1999. The effort kicked off a collecting craze unlike anything ever seen before in the coin world.

Based on a 2005 survey, Mint officials estimate 147 million people have gotten involved in collecting the quarters with their constantly changing designs.

"The American people have made the 50 state quarters the most successful coins in United States history," said Mint Director Ed Moy.

The most successful coins in U.S. history? What are we comparing them to? The Susan B. Anthony Dollar? Quarters are a useful coin in abundant circulation. Plus, you can't avoid getting quarters with the state designs. Calling their design a success is like saying people buy clothing to collect thread. You can't have one without the other.

147 million people are collecting quarters? Who are these people and where are they hiding? That's half the U.S. population. If 147 million people collect 50 different state quarters, that's $1.8 billion out of circulation. Is this really good news?

Labels: government bs

Labels: how to live, videos

Carson Daly is making a huge mistake.

NBC's "Last Call with Carson Daly" is about to become the first late-night talk show to defy the writers strike and resume production. Daly, who is not a member of the Writers Guild, will begin taping new episodes of his Burbank-based show this week for airing next week.

Carson Daly's show is a catastrophe with his writing staff. Can you imagine how he'll be without it? I think it's time to start watching Carson Daly.

Labels: tv

For years, I've dreaded laundry day. It's reached a peak over the past year. Every time I do laundry, I think "I'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life." It's a depressing thought.

I did the laundry today. I'm proud to say I've finally found a reasonable way to do the laundry. Hopefully, I can help make laundry day a little easier for you, too!

First off, I will take the time to separate lights and darks. This must equal a maximum of two loads. I jam the dark load in the washer first. My dark load requires more hangers than the light load. I'd like to get that extra work out of the way early. Then, when the light load is done, I'll hang up the few light items requiring hangers. Undershirts, boxers, boxer-briefs, and socks don't require folding. These items will be under my clothes, so wrinkles do not matter. Why waste time folding? Therefore, I just jam them into my drawers like this:

Labels: how to live

A new message might be coming from Osama bin Laden. Will it be a video? Will Osama sport an embarrassing new facial hair style? Or will he steer clear of the "Just for Men" treatment this time? Some website, obviously stocked with pedophiles, but surely devoid of babies playing with iPhones, Lolcats, and girls feasting and re-feasting on feces had this to say:

"Soon, God willing, (we will post) a new message to the European people from the lion Imam who defeated the Americans and tyrants, Sheikh Osama bin Laden...Let this message be posted by various Western Web sites so that we deliver to them the truth of their lost war and (confront) them with the purposely hidden fact."

And let it be mashed up with great Western songs like the ever-popular "Macarena," "Achy Breaky Heart," and "Before He Cheats." Furthermore, let Western novice special effects artists put a light saber in Osama's hand and utilize him in those hilarious Coors Light press conference ads featuring Western NFL coaches and wacky fans asking questions.

Labels: politics

Hulk Hogan's wife wants a share of their Florida mansions, alimony and child support.

As long as she doesn't run off with a third-rate wrestler, mix a bunch of drugs with alcohol and die, Hulk's still got one up on Macho Man.

Labels: sports, wrestling

Thanks to his Nobel Prize win, Al Gore got the pleasure of meeting with President Bush Monday.

Labels: politics

Rather than go to Arrowhead Stadium for KU-MU, we went to Ugly Joe's at 103rd and State Line. You see, Arrowhead is clearly in Missouri. Ugly Joe's is right on the border, making it more suitable for the whole "Border War" mentality. Yeah, that's it.

It was almost a 50/50 KU-MU crowd. Obviously, a similar crowd was at Arrowhead. Mixing crowds 50/50 is probably the most ideal situation for fights to break out. Without one dominant group to keep the other in check, total chaos is possible. Sadly, I didn't observe one fight.

As a KU fan, I was surprised that another KU fan was my first nomination for an ass kicking. We got there two hours before kickoff, and he started a new "Rock Chalk Chant" every five minutes leading up to the game. Luckily, some dumbass MU fans redeemed themselves at the end of the game with the flawed "Overrated" cheer. If you cheer "overrated" at the team you're beating, aren't you demeaning your team in the process? Shouldn't you somehow cheer "underrated" about your team?

Luckily, a waitress with a tattooed muffin top was there to lighten the mood. Look at how she just shoves the credit card folder right into the folds of her back.


The muffin top was more frightening earlier in the evening, but I only got the balls/drunkenness to use my camera's flash at the end of the night.

Our more attractive waitress did a suitable job, even though she disappeared for a half hour at one point. Two other waitresses ended up bringing our food out. When did it become standard practice for your waitress to avoid bringing you your food? This happens to me more times than not.

This ketchup bottle is terrible:


Chris struggled to control the amount of ketchup flowing from the ill-conceived wide-mouth bottle. In fact, so much ketchup poured out, he had to spend a couple of minutes dipping his fries onto the mass of ketchup on his bun.

Ugly Joe's is one of the only establishments to have the bathroom door handle on the correct side of the door. Every public restroom should have the handle on the outside of the door. After you wash your hands, you can just back your way out of the restroom like a surgeon. I'm not sure who's responsible for the majority of restrooms using the inside "filth handle" technique, but they have to be benefiting from the spread of coliform.

A group of lesbians sat behind us. One of them was a lesbian Johnny Sack, of "The Sopranos" fame.



These lesbians were tolerable. None of them were wearing a pink "insert your school logo here" shirt. These shirts make you wonder whether there are women who simply can't go one day without wearing pink. While we're on the subject, you don't look that good in pink, sweetheart.

Labels: bars, gay, girls, jayhawks, kansas city, mizzou, restaurants, restrooms

Thanksgiving dinner is hours away, and I can only hope that I'm not too late in posting this warning.

At Thanksgiving, you will eat something you wouldn't otherwise ever eat. If it's a potluck occasion, you're doubly screwed. You see, there's always one frightening dish at every Thanksgiving dinner. And, you'll have to eat it.

It doesn't matter your position in the buffet line, either.

If you're at the front of the line, you'll think "Oh no, no one will eat that filthy gelatin-based specimen. I better take some so Aunt Sylvia's feelings won't get hurt." Then, at the end of the meal, you'll try to hide the completely uneaten dish under the discarded hard outer layer from the ham.

If you're at the end of the line, you'll encounter a completely untouched casserole. Obviously, you'll take some, as to again avoid an Aunt Sylvia meltdown.

After all this charity work, you'll then have to lie about how good it was, or about how you would love to eat more if you weren't so full.

Labels: fatties, food, holidays, thanksgiving

Mike Huckabee keeps trying to trick everyone into thinking he's the Republican, less orally pleased Bill Clinton. He'll really be pushing it once he starts playing guitar on the modern day version of Arsenio Hall (Ellen?).

Labels: media, music, politics

I was pretty much through with this show, but got suckered into watching it last night. Rosie O'Donnell is on four episodes of Nip/Tuck this season. I'm sure it was her idea to have the "ass bandit" story line inserted (teehee). Seeing Rosie's face while a couple of digits plunged into her rectum was everything I hoped it could be. Excuse me, I must now try to un-invert my manhood.

Labels: assholes, celebrities, tv, ugly people

Why is Thanksgiving a month from Christmas?

Many people live far away from their families. Others just see each other on the major holidays regardless of location. Don't you think that's a bit too much "family time" all at once? Isn't it a bit too much food all at once, too? Shouldn't the holidays be spread more evenly across the calendar? And why do we put these major holidays right in months with the worst weather conditions? We're dumb.

Labels: holidays, thanksgiving

I don't want to turn this into "The Bodily Functions Blog," but my right eyebrow is twitching. Observe.  

Labels: videos

Google Trends is a pretty cool tool for seeing what the world is searching for over a given time period.  I subscribe to an RSS feed in Google Reader that delivers the latest hot trends.  Some pretty random stuff shows up.  For example, tonight's 11 pm feed shows Habba Syndrome at number 13.  

What is Habba Syndrome?

Habba Syndrome was first described by Saad F. Habba, MD. The main symptom of Habba Syndrome is post-pandrial diarrhea, (three or more bowel movements per day for at least three months, which can range from simple urgency to incontinence) which is generally thought to be due to dysfunctional gallbladder which produces inappropriate amount of bile, but cholecystectomy does not greatly influence the symptoms, and approximately 10% of patients have nearly no change. Hence, the gallbladder may not be the only factor causing the syndrome.

Making this odd query even odder, "cordless drill" is listed as a "related search" at the trend page. I'm sorry, but I don't want to be anywhere near a Habba Syndrome sufferer handling a cordless drill.  That situation holds the potential for a pretty decent mess.

Labels: disease, fun with words, internet, toilet

Fred Goldman is still pissed at O.J.

"Our intent is to continue to pursue him, to continue to hold him accountable and responsible for Ron's murder," he said during a recent phone interview from his daughter's home in the Los Angeles suburb of Santa Clarita. "And we're going to continue to do that until he's dead."

And you know the handlebar mustache will play a key role.

Labels: celebrities

I have a cold.  As a result, I have a perfectly functioning left nostril and a continuously clogged right nostril.  I can successfully blow the right nostril clean for 0.238 seconds before it clogs back up.  

Labels: disease

Labels: sports, video games

Girls breasts are getting bigger with every generation. Check out this article and all the hilarious profile shots of grandma's tiny boobs, mom's medium boobs, and daughter's suffocation sacks. Here's one family's sample.


See how the smug, big-breasted look on the face of the youngest contrasts with the humble, washboard-chested look on grandma's face?

This breast phenomenon is all good news now, but what happens when this new generation's udders age and sag on their own journey toward grandma-hood? I foresee a bra industry unlike anything we've ever seen, producing multi-geared drawbridge-like contraptions to prevent this mutant National-Geographic boob from scraping against the pavement and/or getting stuck in wheelchair spokes.

Labels: girls, old people

Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They're quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you're not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it's quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can't explain. It's more of a "Did I just crap myself?" type of feeling.  

Labels: random nonsense, restrooms, toilet

Poor Barry.

Barry Bonds, Major League Baseball's all-time home-run leader, was indicted by a U.S. grand jury on charges of obstructing justice and perjury for lying about using steroids.

This doesn't affect my unending desire to play the Barry World on Super Mario Galaxy.

Labels: sports, tech

Check out those silly teens.

More than four in 10 teens, or 43 percent, who instant message use it for things they wouldn't say in person, according to an Associated Press-AOL poll released Thursday. Twenty-two percent use IMs to ask people out on dates or accept them, and 13 percent use them to break up.

It doesn't say what percent set up encounters with 40 year olds at Waffle House.  Sorry, pedophiles, you'll have to wait for the next study.

Labels: internet, tech, teens

First, Marie Osmond faints on Dancing with the Stars.  Now, her son's going into rehab.  What exactly are they smoking at the Osmond house?  I would pass on that pipe, if I were you.  Apparently, it causes your hair to go mad, too.

Locks of Love needs that mane, Marie

Labels: celebrities, drugs

Gene Simmons shares his insight on the music industry.

There is nothing in me that wants to go in there and do new music. How are you going to deliver it? How are you going to get paid for it if people can just get it for free?

The record industry doesn't have a f---ing clue how to make money. It's only their fault for letting foxes get into the henhouse and then wondering why there's no eggs or chickens. Every little college kid, every freshly-scrubbed little kid's face should have been sued off the face of the earth. They should have taken their houses and cars and nipped it right there in the beginning. Those kids are putting 100,000 to a million people out of work. How can you pick on them? They've got freckles. That's a crook. He may as well be wearing a bandit's mask.

Great, now a less talented version of Lars (see my take on Lars) is out blaming the Internet for inability to sell music, instead of blaming the natural decline of aging rock stars' abilities along with their ball sacks.

I remember when Napster was on fire, me and all my freckle-faced friends sat around downloading KISS until sunrise every weekend. Although, you couldn't see our frecklie faces behind our bandit's masks, which never smelled thanks to our constant state of freshly-scrubbed faciness.

Labels: dumbasses, internet, music

Labels: dumbasses, politics, this is america, ugly people

Matt Damon is People's Sexiest Man Alive.  

Mama Fratelli retains her title as  Ugliest Woman Dead.

Labels: celebrities, ugly people

Read about Paris Hilton: Activist.

Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India.

Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton's was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers' homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," the 26-year-old socialite said in a report posted on World Entertainment News Network's Web site. Her comments were picked up by other Web sites and newspapers around the globe.

I guess this means no Paris-Elephant sex tape.  Worse, it means no Paris-Elephant love child.

Labels: celebrities, random nonsense

This ad for "Hydroderm" is ridiculous.

Labels: advertising, dumbasses

A guy is gay, but a woman is a lesbian. But a lesbian is also gay. "Lesbian" just helps specify the sex of the gay without adding extra words. There's a word specifically for men who are gay, but it's not a nice word.

How come the lesbians get their own word, and the male gay population is left to share the ever-so-bland "gay" with the lesbians, who already have a pretty kick ass word to themselves?

Furthermore, how come public officials always say "gay and lesbian rights" instead of just "gay rights?"

I don't get it. Someone explain, please.

Labels: fun with words, gay, politics

Before reading on, study the smiles on Bob Vila and Norm Abram.

Labels: assholes, tv

My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I'd clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy.

1. No blankets allowed on a bar's patio. I was on the Maloney's patio for my friend Geoff's birthday, and some clown went to his car to retrieve blankets. If you're cold, go inside.

2. Meridith Vieira is hot and doesn't get credit for it.



3. That waitress at Jose Peppers. I went to Jose Peppers with my brother Tom and his girlfriend awhile back. The waitress was training some new guy. She had this attitude of "I'm the waitress in charge of training new wait staff, blah blah blah" and came off like a snooty, know-it-all bitch. Karma caught up with her. She spilled water all over the table. Tom looked at the waiter-in-training and said "that's not what you're supposed to do."

4. Kansas liquor laws. I know I'll get inspired enough to do a full-on post someday, but here's what I got for now. Some places in Kansas still don't have liquor on Sundays, and you can't buy liquor at the grocery store. Bars can't have a happy hour. Somebody explain how these aren't the stupidest laws on the books.

5. What happened to the Inappropriate Mime? Way before YouTube, there was a site called burlybear.com. They had a video called "The Inappropriate Mime." It was funnier than pretty much 99% of the other stuff out there now. The site's gone now, and the video has disappeared off the face of the web. It featured a mime taking a dump in his hand and eating it, blowing his brains out and throwing them at onlookers, doing a double handjob from his knees, etc. It was brilliance. Now it's gone.

6. Where did they hide Micheal Mahoney? The unfortunate looking newsman has virtually disappeared from KMBC 9 News in Kansas City. I think it has something to do with their switch to high definition. You're a badass Mahoney, and that says a lot. You're ugly as sin, and you spell "Michael" incorrectly. You're making up a lot of ground somewhere. I think you should start going by Micheal "Cajones" Mahoney. P.S. Bring back the stache'



7. Pizza Shoppe is the only pizza place where you'll regret not getting a salad. It's the pink stuff.

8. Nick Nolte was chosen to lead the straight-to-video-on-demand revolution. This troubles me. He also reproduced last month without authorization.

9. There is way too much product placement in Talladega Nights. I know it's a film about NASCAR, but they milk that for every cent it's worth. This movie is also about 30 minutes too long.

10. The name brand TiVo machine has a much better fast-forward feature than the cable companies' version. You can sit back, fast-forward, and once you notice a scene, hit play. It will magically take you back to the perfect spot every time. You have to sit on the edge of your seat with the cable company DVR and squint at the screen and just hope you press play at the right time. TiVo just needs to hurry up and license that shit out to the cable companies.

Labels: bars, food, movies, random nonsense, restaurants, tv, ugly people

"Made in China" sure doesn't have the sweet ring that it used to. Check out what they're putting in our toys now.

Aqua Dots, which features small beads that bond with water, are made with a chemical the body converts to gamma-hydroxy butyrate, commonly known as the date-rape drug. Two children in the U.S. who swallowed the beads became comatose, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said in a statement. The children recovered.

The Date-Rape Drug is in toys now? Stop toying (teehee) with us, China. We all know you're trying to sink the United States by trying to force a seedy, underground, toddler-date-rape society on us.

BTW, I don't recall licking and swallowing toys when I was a child, but I am a little curious about the chemical compounds sure to exist in some of my old toys.

Labels: kids, this is america

Hollywood writers are on strike. We're already screwed with late night television, and scripted shows could go into reruns next.

Yes, it will be annoying if the strike affects our TV watching, but the idea of the picket line bothers me more.

Labels: tv, wtf

Lou Dobbs says:

As I say in my new book -- Independents Day: Awakening the American Spirit -- the arrogance of our political leaders now threatens the future of our nation, and their elitist sense of entitlement has reached such heights that our leaders are now openly dismissive of the will of the people. Working men and women and their families are simply not being represented in Washington.

You might have a point, Dobbs, but do you have to preface it with "As I say in my new book"?

Labels: books, movies, politics, tv

Have you ever read a quote from a famous person, and you can almost hear them saying it? They usually have to have a distinct voice. Michael Jackson has this power over me in this article about an article about the 25th anniversary of "Thriller."

Michael Jackson knows his reputation as a freak — but just ignores it. "I don't pay attention to that," the 49-year-old singer tells Ebony magazine. "In my opinion, it's ignorance. It's usually not based on fact. ... Every neighborhood has the guy who you don't see, so you gossip about him. You see those stories about him, there's the myth that he did this or he did that. People are crazy!"

I love quotes with exclamation points in them. How loud do you think Michael Jackson's voice got when he exclaimed "People are crazy!"? Do you suppose he jumped out of his chair? Were his arms aflutter? Did his wig fall off as his body quaked in exclaiming goodness? Seriously, I want to know how you can tell if Michael Jackson is exclaiming something. I don't think you can.

Labels: music

Have you heard about the baby with eight limbs?

Labels: random nonsense

Me, dad and the bros went to the KU-Fort Hays State basketball game tonight.

KU started with a 14-2 lead, so I thought we'd end up with seven times the points of Fort Hays State. 93-56 was the final. That isn't even double their points. Weak. How come no team ever ends up with seven times the points of their opponent when they start out at that pace? Something smells fishy, almost tuna-like.

I hadn't been to Allen Fieldhouse since college, so it was nice to be back. They've made some changes since the last time I went, so I need to bitch.

The new videoboard is nice, but I kind of miss the old Lite-Brite model.

Labels: jayhawks, sports

Okay, can we get a week off from something going horribly wrong in the Middle East?

Now, Pakistan's causing trouble before the American public could even figure out how to pronounce "Ahmadinejad." There's a war in Iraq, Turkey's pissed, and we're still trying to fix Israeli-Palestinian relations.

Seriously, the Middle East is not a fun place. I couldn't imagine someone going there on vacay.

Labels: politics

America's been hankering for a Rosie fix. And we might finally get it.

Under one scenario, Ms. O’Donnell would be given the 9 p.m. slot each weeknight on MSNBC, where she would go head-to-head with two heavyweights of cable talk: “Larry King Live” on CNN and “Hannity & Colmes” on Fox News.

That's right, you'll be able to see the three ugliest faces on television at the exact same time.

Labels: media, tv, ugly people

This easily tops my last pick for "craiglist ad most likely to end in murder:

Longest female tongue ?
Reply to: gigs-467420669@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-02, 9:34PM CDT


Are you an attractive woman over 18, with an unusually long tongue ?
You could earn great money just for showing off on video.
This is sexy stuff, but not porn.
No nudity involved .. just your face and tongue.
This sounds unusual, I know, but it`s for real.

You can earn great money just showing off your long tongue
and the tricks it can do! We pay $75 per hour.
The videos can be shot by our Kansas City videographer,
or you can shoot them yourself.

Please write to me at videoman_46@yahoo.com

Thank you.
Mike

Labels: craigs list

Ozzy Osbourne is playing the Sprint Center, and my mom asked "is he going to bite the head off a bat?" I told her I didn't think he did that anymore. "Maybe he'll bite the top off a bottle of Geritol, instead," she said.

Yes, it was funny, but I felt that Geritol was a pretty outdated reference. So, I asked "what century are you in?" At that moment, I realized that "what century are you in?" could include a relatively recent period of time.

"What century are you in?" doesn't really work as a slam until you're in the later part of the century. Therefore, it's dead to me. If only we'd known earlier, we would've been sure to use it more when we could. We were simply too distracted with Y2K.

Labels: fun with words, RIP

"Family Ties" is a classic sitcom. MSNBC used the name "Family Ties" for a special on "a bitter custody battle," and utterly ruined my night after raising my hopes. If it weren't for Chris Matthews and Tim Russert, I'd be watching Fox News for this disgrace.

While we're on the topic, Tina Yothers thinks she can hide under a black wig to avoid public stonings for defecating on "Family Ties" with her mere presence on the show. Nice Try, Yothers. Chrissy from "Growing Pains" was better than you.

Labels: tv

Labels: media, tv

I have a certain notorious Douglas County strip club as a friend on MySpace. I received the following bulletin and put my favorite parts in bold:

To everyone who works at the Outhouse, Amber-Zilla runs this promotional page for this club. As the promoter I feel it is necessary to delete this website as it is turning into a bar far different than the one I started working at. In fact, I quit the other night because it is just not worth the effort to come in and waste money to work out here anymore.

Jeff is a Nazi who demands and demands and gives nothing in return which is no way to run an establishment. He gives underage girls alcohol so they will sleep with him and he spreads STD's. This is not speculation or rumor, this is FACT. To everyone who is quitting, I say, GOOD JOB. You can make better money elsewhere and not deal with the shady bouncers or tyrannical owner of this place anymore.

FYI, all the girls who USED to work here now either work at Whispers, Bonita Flats and/or The Flamingo or Allstars. Allstars isn't that great of a place either but if you like R&B, you might try checking it out.

In fact I hear that 2 for 1 dances will now be going on all night every night, even in VIP. And also a little birdie told me that they will start doing 5 and 10 dollar dances instead of 20. Someone wants to lose employees it seems. Someone has become power hungry.

So, I am boycotting this place by erasing this site, I will give everyone a chance to read this bulletin and respond first.

Too bad it didn't remain a music venue as it originally started out as.

I haven't been to the Outhouse in ages. If anyone's heading that way soon, it still sounds like a pretty good time. Thanks for the reminder, disgruntled Outhouse employee! Don't forget: BYOB.

Labels: girls

I didn't stay up late, I didn't sleep in, and I ended up pissing away the only benefits of this whole time-change nonsense. When we lose an hour in the Fall, I know it's going to end up being one of those days when I need a 24-hour day. The time-change benefits me in one way: keeping my clock purchases in check. If I ever got the urge to go on a clock-buying spree, Daylight Saving Time would surely keep me grounded. No one wants to deal with setting all those clocks all the time.

Hey government, I have a suggestion for you, and I'm not even going to charge you for it. In the Spring, let's just set our clocks a half hour ahead. Then, we'll have a compromise between Standard and Daylight Saving Time and never have to mess with our clocks again. Why has no one elected me to office yet?

Labels: government bs, random nonsense

Labels: movies

I'm so proud of Christopher Burke for his Attorney General nomination.

Labels: fun with photos, politics, random nonsense

Labels: tech

I changed the header of this website today. I think it's fun. Especially since you can stare at the "Matt Stooks.com" part and it kinda messes with your head, thanks to it's quasi-three-dimensionality. You see that!? How the subhead totally plays off the header? I kick ass.

Labels: random nonsense

Every once in awhile, I run across a posting on craigslist that makes me wonder if the poster is looking for someone to murder. Like this one:

ladies with hairy armpits/or legs?
Reply to: gigs-466758357@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-02, 9:39AM CDT


I am looking for female models 18-50 with hairy armpits and legs natural

Labels: craigs list

Check out this headline from a discovermagazine.com story and the accompanying picture:

Labels: internet, tech

I'm watching the KU-Pitt State basketball game. The broadcast has already horrified me twice, only 30 minutes into the game.

First off, Sasha Kaun is sporting a giant pubic mass on his head. I hope to God he doesn't keep growing this thing out. It already looks much more pubic than the picture below.



UPDATE: Sasha looks like absolute death with 12 minutes to go.

Secondly, I saw one of those commercials where the athletes are sweating Gatorade. Can you believe these "sweating Gatorade" commercials are still around? I can't find it online, but it's the football one where the guy is sweating the piss-colored Gatorade, delivers a hit, more piss flies around, and then Bill Parcells shows up in a tollbooth and says something about a Golden Shower or something. I'm not sure, but it's weird as hell.

Labels: advertising, jayhawks, sports, tv

I ate some Totino's Party Pizza last weekend. It was the first time I've noshed on Totino's in forever. My timing always blows, as indicated in this news:

Almost five million Totino's and Jeno's frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli.

What did I do to deserve this? I know I have had diarrhea at least once since the ingestion, so I could easily be hosed. Do they actually expect people who buy Totino's to be willing to return them?

The frozen pizzas were produced in its Wellston, Ohio, plant and distributed throughout the United States. The plant is currently making other pizzas, but not with pepperoni, General Mills spokesman Tom Forsythe said.

Does this mean we won't be able to get pepperoni topping on Totino's Party Pizzas at any store? Have they taken them off the shelves completely? If not, you'd better run to the store before they start price gouging. If they are off the shelves, I hope you have a padlock for that Totino's stockpile in your freezer. This could get messy like the bloody excrement of an E. coli victim.


Side note: People who eat Jeno's pizzas probably do deserve E. coli.

Side note 2: I always thought the sausage was most likely to be tainted. Go figure.

Labels: disease, food

Dog the Bounty Hunter is in trouble for saying the N-word six times during a phone conversation with his son.

Here you go. Beware: he says the N-word a whole lot.




There's something extra hilarious about this latest N-word fiasco. Dog wasn't going around saying "N-word this and N-Word that and goddamn N-words!" Nothing like that. Dog is talking on the phone with his son, telling him that he's worried that his son's girlfriend will go to the Enquirer and tell them that he uses the N-word. So, he gets busted for using the N-word during a conversation about how he doesn't want to get busted for using the N-word. Haha!

Labels: celebrities, RIP

Waterboarding is getting a lot of press lately.

Waterboarding (aka "water boarding") is the practice of immobilizing an individual on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face to force the inhalation of water and induce the sensation of drowning.

How could something so horrifying have such a fun, California-style name? Do they at least play some Beach Boys while all this is going down?

Labels: fun with words, politics